ESB Humorous Version (spoilers)

LOL! This is great! Keep it up, Purp.

 

Watt?? u on the 2nd page this can not bee..
ill put a stop to this....
UP!!!!! UP!!!!!
DarthDVD!!!

 

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Geneva,Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Purp:
LEE: I never miss. Especially not you.


ROTFLMAO!

 

this is great, Purp!

 

INT. HOT - REBEL BASE - COMMAND CENTER

RIKKAN looks up grimly from a console screen. He calls over Lee and Hands.

RIKKAN: Princess . . . we have a visitor.

LEE: If it's about my credit card bill, I'm not here.

RIKKAN: No, I mean we have a different kind of visitor. Here, listen.

A controller turns up to volume, and a garbled transmission is played over the loudspeakers. It sounds like a lot of dogs are barking in the background.

STOMPTROOPER: (faintly) Hello, can you hear me? This is stomptrooper THX-1138-3263827 with an urgent message for Imperious command. Message is as follows: I'M COLD! I'M REALLY, REALLY, COLD! GET ME OFF THIS GODFORSAKEN PLANET! End message.

STINKY-O: Sir, I am fluent in over six million forms of communication. It could be an Imperial code.

Everyone stares at Stinky-O.

HANDS: You didn't understand that? What kind of interpreter are you?

STINKY-O: Well, I... uh... (hopefully) I speak Ewok.

Whack

HANDS: Like that'll ever come in handy. Come on, Chunky, let's go kill whatever it is out there.

EXT. HOT - SNOW PLAINS - DAY

The stomptrooper is shaking so hard his armor is clattering. Hands cautiously pokes his head over a ridge, and the trooper spots him.

STOMP: Oh, thank god! Please help me! I surrender, unconditionally!

Chunky sticks his head up over the ridge behind the stomptrooper and chucks a bottle of steak sauce at him. The stomptrooper looks at the sauce dripping down his chest, and then at the drooling dog team.

STOMP: Uh-oh.

The dogs pounce on him. Suddenly, the stomptrooper blows up. Didn't see that one coming, did you?

INT. HOT - REBEL BASE - COMMAND CENTER

Lee and RIKKAN listen intently to the commlink.

HANDS: (over comm) 'Fraid there's not much left of it.

LEE: What was it?

HANDS: Stomptrooper with a dog team. I didn't hit it that hard, the guy writing this must have a really sick mind.

LEE: It's a good bet the Umpire knows we're here.

RIKKAN: Why?

LEE: Because we have to have a plot.

 

YES! Another post, and it was TOO LOL-ish! And now to the grand entrance of Darth Vacuous!

 

ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

2nd page!? I say thee nay!

Hey Purp are you the only one writing this or are there others (Vac, RIKKAN) behind the scenes?

 

EXT. SPACE - IMPERIOUS FLEET

Five Imperious Star Whackers sit in the vastness of space, dozens of smaller BOWTIE fighters darting about them. The Imperial March blares from the speakers. With a flourish of trumpets, the camera pans down to reveal... nothing.

GL: I said pan up!

CAMERAMAN: Sorry.

The camera quickly pans up to reveal Darth Vacuous' Super-Sized Star Whacker. (for only an extra 59 credits) The trumpets belatedly hit the high note again.

INT. DARTH VACUOUS' SUPER-SIZED STAR WHACKER - BRIDGE - MAIN CONTROL DECK - SECTION A - ROW 15 - SEAT 5J

Darth Vacuous, Lord of the Sith, surveys his fleet from the bridge. Taped to his back, faded and torn, is the KICK ME sign.

Captain Piett hurries up to the squat, evil-looking-yet-handsome-in-a-rugged-sort-of-way Admiral Nozzle.

PIETT: Admiral Nozzle.

NOZZLE: Really? What a coincidence, that's my name, too!

PIETT: Uh... no, Admiral, it's me. Captain Piett?

NOZZLE: Ah, yes. John, isn't it? What's up, old chap?

PIETT: I think we may have something, sir. The report is only a fragment from a stomptrooper in the Hot system, but it's the best lead we've had.

NOZZLE: Stomptrooper? I thought we were using probe droids. Why am I always the last one to find things out around here, Ted?

PIETT: Well, we ran out of them, sir.

NOZZLE: Ran out of what?

PIETT: Probe droids.

NOZZLE: Well then send out some stomptroopers. Come on, Steve, do I have to think of everything around here?

Darth Vacuous comes up behind them.

VACUOUS: You have something?

NOZZLE: I do? (pats his pockets in confusion) Okay, I need a hint. Is it bigger or smaller than a bread box?

Piett rolls his eyes and shows Vacuous the footage of the stomptrooper b*tching.

VACUOUS: So?

PIETT: Well, that's it.

VACUOUS: Where's the proof?

PIETT: (starting to sweat) Well, I, uh-

NOZZLE: That's it! That's the system!

Vacuous and Piett look curiously at him.

VACUOUS: Are you sure?

NOZZLE: Sure as I am of anything, Bill. That's the system. And I'm sure Streetwalker is with them.

Vacuous rolls his eyes behind his mask. Piett throws him a 'come on, just humor the old fart' look.

PIETT: (gently) Admiral, there are so many uncharted systems. It could be smugglers, it could be...

NOZZLE: Smugglers, you say? I had an uncle who was a smuggler. At least, we thought he was a smuggler. Always talking about spice. Of course, he claimed he was a chef. Had to turn him in. Terrible story, Tom, just terrible. What were we talking about again?

Captain Piett pauses in the act of lifting a hip flask to his lips.

PIETT: Rebels, sir.

NOZZLE: Ah, yes, Rebels. They're in a hot system. Unless... that's what they want us to think! Eureka, that's it! Matt, what's the coldest system around here?

PIETT: The Hot system, sir.

NOZZLE: Really? Strange weather in this part of the galaxy. Must be El Nino. That settles it, Ken. We're going to the Hot system. After all, we have to have a plot.

Vacuous has been raising his hand for the famous choke-move thingy, but he stops at the Admiral's last words.

VACUOUS: I'll be damned. I think he's on to something. Set your course for the Hot system!

[This message has been edited by Purp (edited 04-27-2000).]

 

&lt;&lt;Hey, nice timing. I have bounced some of these ideas off Darth Vacuous over ICQ before posting, but it doesn't look likely at this point that he'll join in. (he's busy with an offline project) GENERAL RIKKAN was out of town this weekend, but I think he said he'd be back Tuesday. (yesterday) I know he definitely plans to keep posting.&gt;&gt;

 

&lt;laughs&gt; So funny! &lt;laughs again&gt; Keep it up.

 

Purp: What say those Imperial forces run into the Eskimo villiage for a foolish encounter before pressing on to the Rebel base?

Eskimo! Eskimo!

"If I have to give one to you, I have to give one to everybody else."

Oh, and if I were to write this, Marcus would get shot down by his OWN teamates. That, and Dack would be trying to get out of his posting with him. Trying to sabotage the snowspeeder or something.

Just some suggestions.

 

Move along. Go about your business.

 

Purpfect! Now I have something to do over the spring breaks!

 

2nd Page? I don't think so. Homey don't play that.

 

More?

 

Hello?

 

You know I am truly blessed to see my actual screen name being used for this humorous thread. I get goose bumps just by looking at it..thanks Purp, for putting me in the story...I owe you one, pal ....

INT. HOT - REBEL SCUM BASE- TRANSPORT BAY


THE REBEL SCUM CAPTAIN ISSUES INSTRUCTIONS TO TWO OF HIS LACKEYS AT THE ENTRANCE TO THE MAIN TRANSPORT COMPLEX


REBEL SCUM CAPT. : I don't know what you kids have heard...but rest assured, when the Sh** goes down... I aint gonna be nowhere around..you hear what I'm sayin ?

LACKEY ONE: Man you aint got to tell me twice, homeboy...you know I got my Sh** together. My starfighter fueled up and ready to go. I cant believe that broad, Lee wants us to fight off a whole imperious fleet..is that B**ch crazy ?

LACKEY TWO : Kiddo, why do you even care ? If that girl wants to go down with the sinking base..thats on her. The imperious forces is gonna come down on us like hard rain..destroy everything in its path..kill all men, woman and children.. Rape all farm animals that we have stationed here.. Violate our protocol droids in a sacrilegious and filthy manner.... and do you know where I'm gonna be when all this is happening ?

LACKEY ONE : Where you gonna be at, you Lackey ?

LACKEY TWO ( while he snickering ) : I'm gonna be resting comfortably at home... and just in time for Corn Flakes !

INT. HOT - REBEL SCUM BASE - MAIN HANGER DECK


ALARMS SOUND. TROOPS, GROUND CREWS, CIRCUS PERFORMERS, WHITE HOUSE SENATORS AND DROIDS RUSH TO THEIR ALERT STATIONS. IN THE MIST OF THIS TENSION FILLED ACTIVITY, HANDS DOES SOME FRANTIC WELDING ON THE LIFTERS OF THE MILLENNIUM BUG. HANDS FINISHES HIS WORK AND SPEAKS TO HIS CO-PILOT...


HANDS ( into his comlink ) : Okay, thats it.... try it....

THE SIGHT OF SMALL EXPLOSIONS ROCK THE AREA WHERE HANDS IT AT..

HANDS : Oh, Sh**, Turn it off ! Chunky ! Turn it off.... I'm on fire ! Oh god help me somebody...

AN OFFICER GOES TO GET THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER AND RUSHES TO PUT OUT THE FIRE.. HE SHOOTS THE FOAM AT HANDS BUT MISSES HIM COMPLETELY..
MEANWHILE..HANDS IS STILL BURNING. HE STUMBLES AND FALLS OFF THE SHIP...

OFFICER : Damn... I think I need to get some glasses

THE OFFICER RUSHES TO THE AREA WHERE HANDS IS AND FINALLY SPRAYS HIM WITH THE FOAM, PUTTING OUT THE FIRE....HANDS IS LAYING STILL ON THE GROUND....

HANDS ( Struggling to speak coherently ) : Will somebody...please get me some help...I seem to be in quite a lot of ..pain !

OFFICER : Sir , are you okay ?

HANDS : My entire body...is burnt..beyond recognition...with smoke coming out of my skin...what the ***k do you think, huh ? Do you think I'm okay...

THE OFFICER PAUSES FOR A LONG MOMENT..

HANDS ( Struggling to move, but still wincing in pain ) : Answer..me, you retarded bas***d. Do you think I'm okay ?

THE OFFICER MOTIONS LIKE HE GONNA ANSWER BUT HE REMAINS STILL...

HANDS : Never mind...just please go..and get help in the medical center.. Oh, God..The personal problem....its..its returning...

OFFICER : I think I better go and get you some help sir......

HANDS ( Still mumbling while hes feeling himself ) : Oh, God... The personal problem....


INT. REBEL SCUM BASE - MEDICAL CENTER

MARCUS DRESSES IN READINESS FOR THE EVACUATION AS HIS ATTENDING MEDICAL DROID STANDS BY...

MEDICAL DROID ( with the voice of Star Trek's Seven of Nine ): Sir, you must understand...it will take a while to evacuate the T-forty sevens...I find this course of action to be highly irregular.

MARCUS : Well, forget the heavy equipment... there's plenty of time to get the smaller modules on the transport...uhh hey, where is my pack of winstons ? Ahh forget it..gotta cut down anyway..cigarettes will kill me.

MARCUS WALKS TO THE SMALL TABLE AND GRABS A SMALL PACKAGE OF MARIJUANA AND PUTS IT IN HIS FLIGHT JACKET...

MARCUS: Well I'm off to see da wizard..

MEDICAL DROID : Sir..you are going into battle.

MARCUS ( Looking stupid..as usual ): Oh, yeah...I knew that...

MEDICAL DROID : Sir..I wish you luck. May you assimilate the day and tell the imperious forces that resistance..is futile..

MARCUS

 

FREEDOM!!!!!

 

Wonderful. Keep up the laughter.

 

LOL.

 

&lt;&lt;Hey Gonk, I can't speak for RIKKAN, but I'd love to hear some suggestions from everyone. Keep 'em coming. (that doesn't always mean they'll get put in, but hey, you never know)&gt;&gt;

INT. VACUOUS' STAR WHACKER - VACUOUS' CHAMBER - MEDITATION CUBICLE

The Dark Lord sits brooding in his meditation chamber. General Leer enters, yet does not have the courage to interrupt Vacuous' meditation. After several seconds, Vacuous still hasn't moved or said anything.

LEER: (softly) My lord?

A soft snore issues from within the black mask. Leer clears his throat loudly, and Vacuous jumps up.

VACUOUS: Don't touch my stuff!

LEER: Uh, my lord?

VACUOUS: Huh? Oh, right. (resumes menacing demeanor) What is it, General?

LEER: The fleet has dropped out of hyperspace. Com-scan has detected an energy field protecting an area of the sixth planet of the Hot system. The field is strong enough to deflect any bombardment, but strangely enough, not big metal walking tanks.

VACUOUS: (angrily) The Rebels are alerted to our presence. Admiral Nozzle came out of lightspeed to close to the system.

LEERS: Well, he said he wanted to make a collect call to an old friend...

VACUOUS: He is as stupid as he is senile. And clumsy. As stupid as he is senile and clumsy. Or is it as senile as he is clumsy and stupid? Oh, he's a frikkin moron. General, prepare the Troopers for a surface attack.

LEER: Yes, my lord.

He salutes and leaves. Vacuous activates a huge viewscreen showing the bridge of the ship. Admiral Nozzle is standing in front of the viewscreen, with Piett slightly off to the side.

NOZZLE: Ah, Lord Vacuous. The fleet has moved out of lightspeed and we're preparing to-

Vacuous stabs a button on his armrest. A trapdoor opens in the floor right next to Nozzle.

NOZZLE: What the hell?

VACUOUS: Damn! Hey, Piett, a little help here?

PIETT: Yes, my lord.

He shoves Nozzle into the pit.

NOZZLE: Aaagh!

VACUOUS: That's better. Captain Piett?

Piett takes a long stride back from the pit and looks around to make sure no one is standing next to him.

PIETT: Yes, my lord?

VACUOUS: Make ready to send down the Troopers, and deploy the fleet so that nothing gets out of the system. You are in command now, Admiral Piett.

PIETT: Really? Cool! In that case, you're fired.

VACUOUS: What!?

PIETT: Look, I appreciate the promotion, but we can't have you going around killing officers all the time. I'm afraid we have to let you go.

VACUOUS: I meant that you're in command of everyone else. Not me!

PIETT: Oh.

VACUOUS: Hey, I think you dropped something. It's about a foot behind you and a few inches to the left.

PIETT: (looking anxiously at the outline in the floor) No, I didn't drop anything.

VACUOUS: Oh, yes you did.

PIETT: Uh... hey, look at the time! Sorry, gotta go!

He cuts the connection and wipes the sweat off his forehead. He reaches for his hip flask, only to find it empty.

PIETT: Damn.

OFFICER: Sir?

PIETT: Yes?

OFFICER: Well, me and a couple of the other boys have discovered something that really helps you on the job. It's called coffee.

PIETT: Coffee?

OFFICER: Yes, sir. Really keeps you on your toes. I can bring you up a cup, if you want.

PIETT: Hell, yes. One mistake and Vacuous chokes my @ss. Get me a cup. No, make it a whole pot. On the double!

OFFICER: Yes, sir!

&lt;&lt;Anyone who has visited the humor section at the Cult of Piett website probably knows what's coming up. Anyone has hasn't, check it out. There's some good stuff in there.&gt;&gt;

[This message has been edited by Purp (edited 04-29-2000).]

 

More?

 

and where is this said cult....(i think thats spelled right)

 

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Geneva,Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Really? Cool! In that case, you're fired.LOL! Keep it up, Purp!