Discussion in 'Fan Fiction and Writing Resource' started by SatineNaberrie, Jul 27, 2015.
Some narration on how the characters feel during the scene could be used to break the quite demanding portion of dialogue into smaller bits, so the reader can focus on what they have read so far. Perhaps show us the scenery, the atmosphere. The way Darred and Bail observe each other the first time they meet could be interesting, for example. This way, it reads like a script for a theatre play, and we don't have the visual aspect available in fanfic, so you have to show us more. Paint with words.
In addition to that, you don't need a dialogue tag in the second to last line, it's obvious that it was Bail who said it. Instead of that, he can turn to them and look at Darred, or we can be left to realise that it was Darred he was looking at.
Hope that helps.
Good idea for a thread.
My ability to visually describe people is very limited. Especially hair styles and faces.
Google can help on some things, but when you don't know the name, you are kind of stuffed.
Eg. Recently, I was faced with describing roman type columns from a Lara Croft game. I've played the game, so I know what they look like. I'm thinking marble, tall, the word "crennelated" feels like it could be useful, but I honestly have no idea what the word means, or how to put in words, what I remember from countless films.
According to Chyntuck, I post a draft of a scene I am stuck since three **** days. (related post here: http://boards.theforce.net/threads/...ns-and-advice.31993115/page-100#post-52898788)
In raw English this could be something like this:
The star of the daytime (ok in French) was rising imperceptibly in an immaculate sky. Its rays caressed the tops of centuries-old forest of conifers rocked by an acute vibrato singing necklace nightingales, endemic specie of Alderaan. It was cool and mist was slow to dissipate amidst a sea of greenery. A teenager was barely making his way through the tall grass and finger ferns (invented specie). His heart beat faster than usual. His breathing was strong. And sweat beaded on his temple.
I stopped because I feel my writing too wordly and boring. I am looking for something more sparkling if I may say.
Mod edit: the entire curse word needs to be starred out
I think that re-arranging could have a huge impact here: the guy's feelings before the atmosphere around him, and the star in the very end. And the rest I said elsewhere applies.
OK, here's a possible edit:
Does this help?
Ewok Poet Chyntuck : bright ideas you have. I am going to rework this draft with all the pieces of advices I got since
No problem, glad to see you get un-stuck. We're here to help.
I have read a second time your proposal more carefully, and it is quite impressive for a non native French speaker --- and even for a native one... How long did you learn French?
Thank you The answer is many, many years. I'm from Greece, but I took French throughout middle and high school, then I did part of my university studies in Paris, plus my father was a lover of French-language literature (he had been a student in Switzerland and he could speak French very well, much better than me). I still have all his books, so that would be about 30 years in total.
Gosh, am I really that old?
We will probably have some talks about your French past someday
Thanks anyway. You saved my week ^_^
L'astre du jour s'élevait imperceptiblement dans un ciel immaculé. Ses rayons caressaient la cime des conifères pluri-centenaires d'une forêt, bercée par le vibrato des chants aigus des rossignols à collier - espèce endémique d'Aldérande. Il faisait frais et la brume tardait à se dissiper au milieu d'un océan de verdure. Une adolescente se frayait son chemin avec peine à travers les herbes hautes et les fougères digitales. Son cœur battait plus fort qu'à l'accoutumée. Sa respiration était forte et de la sueur perlait sur sa tempe.
Je pense que ta difficulté est simplement la structure de tes phrases. Parfois, tes phrases sont....prolixe, mais les autres sont parfait. Peux-tu dire "se dissiper au milieu d'océan de verdure", au lieu de "d'un" ? Un chose petit, mais the vs a (en Anglais) pourrait le rendre mieux?
Quand tu dis "s'élevait imperceptiblement", veux-tu dire "le soleil s'élevait lentement", ou "le soleil est imperceptible dans le ciel"? (C'est un question pour moi, parce que je voudrais savoir ce que je comprends.)
J'ai rassemblé des photos pour toi, aussi. Il peut t'aider. Je pense, peut-être, tu pourrait jouer Skyrim ou un autre jeux avec un forêt?
PS, tu peux envoyer un "PM", si tu voudras.
Yeah, my issue was something like you mentioned. I was not able to find a good rythm to my scene.
I will keep you in touch of my progress sure ^^
Nice pics also
I used those:
I'm posting in this thread based upon a recommendation by @ Chyntuck - very helpful, thanks again!
Given that Rey is very new to the Star Wars canon, there is little literature out there at the moment to base her character upon. Furthermore, i've only seen TFA once so far. But, i'm in the process of writing a story about Rey, prior to the events of TFA.
What i'm wanting is some constructive feedback about a short piece I have written. At the moment the scene has no real context or meaning. But, the short version is that she was attempting to obtain an engine part and was interrupted by a storm trooper. She successfully knocked him out, with the help of a little girl whom she didn't intend to invovle. Now, the trooper is tied up. She needs his help and is offering him incentive. Otherwise, she knows that he will just go back to the unit and report her to which she will be captured or killed. That's a very brief idea I am working with and it is extremely rough. But i'm just testing ideas.
Could I have some feedback? I've based her character upon Clint Eastwood's Man With No Name character from the Sergio Leone trilogy with elements of Luke Skywalker. Basically, I need help with her treatment. Again, i've only seen the film once and yet to have read the novelisation. Here is a bit of the scene I have written:
Rey sat on a short, weatherd wooden stool. Sitting oopposite to the trooper she had confronted earlier, she still remained undecided on how to deal with the threat that could potentially undo all of her efforts. Even worse, sitting in a family barn, she realised that her actions may implicate the owners when they had no role in the scenario. Well, the daughter was but only by the presence of Rey. The helmet of the trooper uniform lay in the corner. The soldier himself sat on the dusty floor with his hands tied above his head to a post. Sitting in his trooper uniform (minus the helmet), his he slowly woke from his sleep. His hazel eyes could be seen widening, nearly obscured by his messy hair that had been brushed down into a bowl type shape.
Rey raised her index finger to her own lips, walking forward slowly to the jug of water that sat near him. She poured some water crudely into a cup, looking to the prisoner, kneeling next to him and holding the cup near his lips.
"If I was going to poison you, I had ample opportunity to do so in the hours that you've been knocked out."
He turned his head away from her, looking to the wall. Part of the training, she surmised, don't let them in. She put the cup back down and resumed seated on the stool, looking to the dirt floor beneath her boots for a moment and back up to the man, approximately in his early thirties.
His head remained turned away but slowly looked back to her, "I have nothing to say."
"I didn't come here to capture a trooper. You just got in the way, I did what I could to avoid you. I'm not trying to make it hard for you."
"Then let me go."
She looked at him with a knowing and slightly expression, "i can't do that."
"Then kill me."
Rey retorted with a smug smile, "sorry - failed the entrance exam during the recruitment process. I'm just not cut out for it."
His expression remained fixed on her, "then I guess we're at a stalemate."
Rey shrugged, "you could call for help." She held her stare to his eyes. "We're in someone's home - not mine. Someone is bound to hear you."
The thought pondered upon her at that moment, why doesn't he? He's pretty convinced i'm not a killer. What's he waiting for? Then it dawned upon Rey.
"I understand. You really want to be killed."
He just stared back at her blankly.
"You literally want to die. You want to die because you know if they get their hands on you, you'll be no good to them. I can't imagine what that feels like."
"Oh, please." He muttered with a roll of the eyes.
"Get used to saying that." She sat up a little more on the stool, straightening her back, squaring her shoulders so they were less rounded. "Please...one more chance...please don't shoot...please leave my family out of this."
The soldier's bottom lip trembled, "ok!"
They both knew.
She softened her stare, "you want better for yourself. Help me. I can free you from this."
"Then what? I just wander the desert for work?"
Rey looked away for a moment and back to him. She wasn't well off, but she could try to make it worth his while. "I deal in parts. Once I leave here, i'm going to do a delivery. I'll give you a cut - 50%"
"Why do you need me?"
She sighed, looking away and back to him again, "frankly I do not. I'm here....i'm in the town to obtain something."
"You're a thief!"
She stood out of frustration, hands on her hips, looking to her toes and back up, "I could say something to that", nodding over to his blaster which sat by his helmet. "It's important...I can't explain now. But with the soldiers casting the martial law over the town, they're going to make it very hard for me to do what I need to. If you alert them, i'd have to leave empty handed. This way we both get something. I get my parts...you...you have a chance at a new start."
He sternly looked to her, he shook his head, "no."
Rey kicked the dirt, some of it brushing up into his face. She briefly looked to the blaster, no - not me she thought to herself.
Stalemate she thought to herself as she studied his eyes.
I'm putting my reply behind a spoiler tag, because while your piece isn't particularly spoilery as far as I can tell, my comments include a few references to the film and books. I saw TFA only once too, but I've read the novelisation and the Rey chapter in Before the Awakening.
EDIT: Actually, maybe you can put a spoiler tag over your excerpt anyway, just to be on the safe side.
I like your characterisation of Rey, especially the fact that she wants to find a solution where no one gets hurt in the long term. I think it's very much in keeping with what we see of her in the film and the books: she can take care of herself, but she doesn't want to harm others unless she can't avoid it. Also, I totally dig the Sergio Leone feel of the scene
My objection to the way you handle the scene is that I wouldn't expect Rey to be that knowledgeable about the First Order. My impression (but I may be wrong about this) was that Jakku is so remote, and she has lived in such isolation, that considerations like what goes in a stormtrooper's training would just fly past her. She's a bit too wide-eyed in her encounter with Finn and her reaction to the stormtroopers shooting at her in TFA to be so familiar with the First Order's modus operandi.
I would think instead that she should be puzzled by the fact that her prisoner doesn't seek to bargain with her like a fellow scavenger would do in such a situation. Basically it should take her some time to realise that FO stormtrooper logic isn't Jakku survivor logic, and it would take a slightly different mental path for her to come to the conclusion about the First Order and the fact that he wants to die because he can't go back.
I also have a small editing comment (but I may be wrong again, since I'm not a native English speaker). I think that you would use a comma only with a dialogue tag, not a descriptive/action sentence, and that the first word of the dialogue itself must be capitalised in both cases. So for instance, this exchange:
Rey retorted with a smug smile comma "sorry - failed the entrance exam during the recruitment process. I'm just not cut out for it."His expression remained fixed on her comma "then I guess we're at a stalemate."
Rey retorted with a smug smile comma "Sorry - failed the entrance exam during the recruitment process. I'm just not cut out for it."His expression remained fixed on her period "Then I guess we're at a stalemate."
Can someone confirm?
Thanks for that!
I'll definitely take on board the technical stuff, thanks for that.
Glad you liked the character too, although i'm definitely going to watch the film again before getting into any serious writing AND also purchase the novel next month when the hardcover hits the shelves.
As for her knowledge...
My memory of her knowledge of The First Order is that she at least recognised who they were, I think she may have even commented on them to Finn briefly. Also, she has heard of Luke Skywalker. Surely she must know something of The First Order? But i'll definitely watch out for that when I see the film for a second time next month. I think I was too lost in the nostalgia of TFA to pick up on the intricacies of the characters, so i'll have my eyes peeled once again.
Thanks so much!
I thought you wrote Rey really well, a lot like the one in the film, and liked that you thought to describe her seating arrangement.
You're very welcome!
Oh, I think she has definitely knows *about* the First Order. The sentence that stuck out to me was 'Part of the training, she surmised, don't let them in.' This is what comes across as too specific for me in terms of her knowledge. If she knew such details, she wouldn't be surprised, for instance, when the stormtroopers that spot her in the market with Finn shoot at her too, you know what I mean?
I'm usually a lot more "visual" with my writing in terms of describing the character. But, for now I just wanted to focus on the nuances of her personality. But when I actually get around to writing her, i'll describe her look such as her non-fancy clothing, the slight ruggedness of her hair etc...
The only other thing i'm struggling with is describing her clothing.
Seriously, what is it?
Quick mod note: we are still in the 2 week post-TFA drop, so everything from the movie not seen in promotion or trailers still have to be in spoiler tags unless the thread states otherwise. Most people have seen it, but we want to be aware that some still haven't so I have gone back and placed spoiler tags
Over-the-knee or knee-length leggings, cloth wrapped around both arms, and a toga (although that is a Greco-Roman term) formed by a length of cloth (choose one of the SW silks, or as she's a scavenger, maybe curtains from the wardroom of a crashed Star Destroyer...dunno where she'd find one of those) crossed over her shoulders and secured with the tool belt. She might be wearing two lengths of cloth to go over front and back.