Resource Fanfiction Scene Writing Assistance Thread

Thanks! That's a huge help.

 

And just one more. This time i've actually described her appearance, plus added some more of her personality. I'll make this my last request for assistance as i'm most likely nearing my 800 word limit. Thanks again, everyone. In this version, I'm trying to capture her visual appearance along with demonstrating that she is calculated, and meticulous.


Rey crouched behind the small rocky mound, peering briefly over its peak. Her first glance was unable to see anything more than the Bantha which obscured her view of the vehicle from which the scavenger was ransacking. But, it was obvious what was taking place. Not from the sight of things, but from the sound. She dismissed his method in her head, 'He is an amateur, isn't he?' All that could be heard were desperate attempt to rip the part from the engine body. These sounds consisted of grunts, metal instruments crudely striking the engine or improvising a tool to jimmy the part that was being sought. It was almost boring to Rey to remain so patient. It would just be my luck that he has a lookout. With that in mind, Rey took another look around and behind her. Perhaps i'm over estimating.

She grew impatient because the heat of the sun indicated no sign of dimming. Her clothing may have been light in colour, but it made little difference. Her toga like garment wrapped over her shoulders in a criss-cross formation and stretched down to her knee cap, hanging loose but held in place by a brown holster belt wrapped tightly around her hip. At one stage in its life, the clothing was white but is more a dirty baige which coordinated cloth of identical colour wrapped tightly around her arms. Underneath she wore a white form fitting tank top and over the knee leggins. all of which met the colour of her desert uniform. Her flat sole dark brown boots were made of a soft suede and stopped at the calf. Much like the rest of the outfit, they were worn, showing their age.

Rey wiped the sweat from her her forehead, brushing aside a strand of her dark blonde hair that had fallen into her eyes. She tucked the strand under her thick goggles that sat on her forehead. The opaque lenses made her look more alien when she wore them as intended. That is provided nobody looked at her bare white hands.

 

Okay, not bad.

The toga would not be stretched down to her kneecap unless she was kneeling on it, or there was something down there to secure it. So likely it is stretched to her waist, where the belt is.

Other than that, watch the spellings: leggings, beige.

You could mention that she wraps cloth round her head and face when she wears the goggles, because going by your description alone, one wonders why we would not be able to tell she was not an alien by the rest of her face around the goggles.

 

That's really helpful, thanks again.

 

I'm going to make myself unpopular and say that there is too much description in this scene, esp adjectives and adverbs. Too much description can grind the flow if a story to a halt, for example "short, weathered wooden stool" could really just be stool, it makes the narrative a bit more snappy and keeps the emphasis of the scene where it should be, which is on Ray and not on the stool. The same goes for the adverbs, telling us that she poured water crudely into a cup really doesn't tell us anything. A more interesting observation might be that she was careful to preserve every drop of water that she poured in because it is in such short supply.

Similarly there isn't much need to describe her clothing beyond scavenger rags or desert wrappings, unless as stated above she scavenged them from a star destroyers curtains, which tells us something about her beyond a bland description. Basically only describe it if its relevant and interesting.

There are a couple of other things but all in all I enjoyed this little story. It shows Ray as a canny and resourceful character. Although it's been pretty well discussed I'm with you on her knowledge of the First Order. Luke knew all about the Empire despite being on Tatooine and Ray seems like she knows a lot about Finn when he turns up. I'd attribute her wide-eyedness to the fact that she has never encountered anything like him before. It's like the difference between seeing pictures of the Grand Canyon and actually visiting it.

Anyhoo, feel free to agree or disagree, its your story and a good start, I look forward to more.

 

Now that you said it...with hopes that it's allowed in this thread, because otherwise its purpose would be defied- these were my problems, too. In many cases when somebody verbs the noun adverbially, it does not mean anything. What's crude for you may not be crude for me.

Similarly there isn't much need to describe her clothing beyond scavenger rags or desert wrappings, unless as stated above she scavenged them from a star destroyers curtains, which tells us something about her beyond a bland description. Basically only describe it if its relevant and interesting.


I see this everywhere if it's reader-bait, then it's also kinda...wrong and borders on objectification. Not in this segment, but in many, many stories it can come across as awkward.

What's also confusing is the mix-up of inner monologue and the words that appear to be actually spoken out loud. There's got to be a way to do it and not confuse the viewer.

 

Hi Guys!

I am in the middle of writing a short story and could use some input for a short scene. I have re-worked it a couple of times but somehow it still doesn't quite ring true for me. The scene takes place in the middle of the story, so if there's any confusion please give me a shout and I will try to clear it up.

Background: After Shmi's death Cliegg Lars is reflecting on the death of his younger brother who died when he was 14. The story is a flashback to those events. Cliegg and Ed were sent to Tosche station for some vaporator parts but their speeder crashed, severely injuring them both. This scene takes place after the family finds out there is little more that can be done for Ed. The story is mainly about Cliegg's guilt as he allowed his brother to drive the speeder. In the scene I want to show Cliegg's feelings of guilt but also look at how his parents Lef and Gredda might react to it.

Any help would be greatly appreciated!


Gredda and Lef hadn’t spoken during the whole trip back to the homestead. They had borrowed a speeder from Mitch and Cass in order to get Cliegg home. As soon as they arrived Lef had gone out to check on the vaporators, leaving his wife and son alone. Cliegg could hear his mother bustling about in the kitchen, banging pots and pans and shuffling clutter to cover up the silent absence of her youngest son.

There had been no further discussion on the matter of Ed’s future. Cliegg didn’t like to think about it, much less talk about it, and he realised his parents weren’t interested in his input anyway. And why should they be? He was the cause of it all.

His leg twanged with pain. Cliegg lay back on the bed and closed his eyes. The quilt cover had been patched together for Ed two years ago on his birthday and Cliegg wrapped it around himself, running his fingertips over the soft material. His brother’s smell filled his nostrils. Cliegg felt like he wanted to cry but he had shed so many tears over the past few days there didn’t seem to be anything left.

He heard footsteps outside and quickly sat up. Gredda stepped through the low doorway, drying her hands on her apron. Her face, once so prone to smiling, now simply looked old and worn.

‘Hey there,’ she said, coming to sit next to him. She looked around. ‘How come that boy can never keep his room tidy?’

Cliegg shrugged. ‘Dunno. I guess it’s just part of being a kid.’

‘He is such a kid, isn’t he?’ said Gredda. She laced her fingers into Cliegg’s. ‘I can’t imagine how difficult this has been for you. I’m afraid your father and I have been so focussed on Ed we’ve been ignoring you.’

‘You haven’t ignored me.’

‘No, but we haven’t been there for you enough. Your father tries, he tries very hard, but he’s not used to letting his emotions out. He’s worried about you.’

Cliegg was taken aback. There seemed to be far more important things for his father to worry about at the moment. Gredda seemed to sense his train of thought.

‘Nothing is more important to us than you and Ed. Not the farm, not anything. We know you’ve been blaming yourself for what happened.’

‘It was my fault.’

‘No it wasn’t.’ Lef Lars stepped through the doorway. He was still wearing his thick desert robes, stained with sand and dust. He crouched down and leaned back, resting his head against the white-washed wall. ‘We can’t let you take on that kind of responsibility.’

He tilted his head and looked straight into Cliegg’s eyes. ‘It’s not fair on you and it’s not true.’

‘But I let him drive the speeder.’

‘I know, and I know you want to blame yourself. I feel the same way. I keep telling myself it was my fault for sending you off to Anchorhead or for not maintaining unit seventeen properly. We all find ways to blame ourselves for what happened, because when we’re angry it’s always easier to have something to be angry at.’

He looked up at Gredda. ‘We can’t change what happened. All we have to do is stick together, the way we’ve always done. No matter what.’

Cliegg stared at his father, aware that this was probably the most open and honest he had ever been with anyone. With his words, some of the weight slipped from his shoulders, not much but enough to make him feel lighter. His mother slipped her arm around him and pulled him in close.

 

There is some telling in emotional places. Some telling is OK, but when it comes to emotions, you want to show them.

 

I second what Volshe said. There is something else that bothers me a bit, but since I have to catch up, either way; I'll think of how to word it. The overall idea of there being a Lars story, however, is great!

 

I love the idea, but feel that the emotion really gets lost somewhere in there. Some minor tweaks and you'll be golden though


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gaarastar58 Did you try the indirect approach? For instance, after Gredda says "He's such a kid", instead of cutting to the chase and saying that she's worried, she could say something along the lines that Cliegg always seeing his brother as a kid deprived him of his own childhood and that he always felt responsible for his brother even when he was far too young to shoulder that responsibility, leading to the conclusion that as parents she and Lef shouldn't have let him get into that position (or something like that). I also think that a bit of reminiscing about the time when Cliegg and Ed were children would give you the opportunity to show more of the parents' personalities by describing the memories they pay attention to, or their body language as they speak. Does that make sense?

 

Perhaps it would be best if I take a bit more time to describe the room and the family's memories of Ed. I think the focus in this scene is a bit skewed as I wanted it to be about Cliegg and his guilt but maybe it would be better to focus on each characters reactions to their grief? Cliegg's guilt is rooted in his perception of his brother as a kid, a perception that will be challenged by the end of the story.

Gredda is worried about Cliegg, but I'm struggling to find a natural way for the worry to show without simply coming out and stating it. I'm also not sure if Lef even belongs in this scene, perhaps it would be better if it was just Cliegg and his mother?

Thanks for the feedback!

 

I don't really have enough context to come up with a firm conclusion here, but if the idea is that Cliegg's guilt and his perception of his brother will be challenged in the end, I think that you definitely need to tell us more about the perception in order to give depth to the idea that he feels guilty.

Also, just throwing an idea out there, but perhaps a way for Gredda to show that she's worried without saying it directly would be for her to treat Cliegg like a kid? It could be a different entry point to the conversation.

Lastly, if you want this scene to remain short, I'd say take the father out and let the mother speak on his behalf. Having more characters in a short scene means that you take the focus off Cliegg. On the other hand, if you don't mind doubling the word count, it's always fun to elaborate on minor characters, their personalities and their motivations

 

I have a scene where two friends are arguing. The argument is created when one friend starts giving her friend grief over her mooning devotion to her boyfriend. Said argument starter does not have the best relationship with the boyfriend. They are not hostile but antagonize each other.

What suggestions would you have to give the argument depth even heat, but also bring it around so that the friendship is not broken?

 

???

"Stop dropping your pants to show him your butt cheeks!"

"But I'm devoted to him!"

Not sure how to achieve your other goals, but if the above is what mooning means in this context, should add a new dimension to the argument.

 

Perhaps they shouldn't talk for a couple of days afterwards or be generally stingy until the one with the boyfriend suggests that yes, her friend may be slightly right.

 

Listless, kind of a emotional dwelling on someone or something.

Honestly, I feel like her teasing her friend and saying something flippant is a natural way to start an argument.