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Before - Legends Fitcher's Apprentice (Pre-KOTOR, OCs) Dare Challenge Response - Expanded Version Posted

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by SoA, Mar 21, 2009.

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  1. SoA

    SoA Jedi Knight star 3

    Registered:
    Apr 2, 2008
    Title: Fitcher's Apprentice
    Author(s): SoA
    Timeframe: Pre-KOTOR Era
    Characters: Alek Squinquargesimus, Atris, Zayne Carrick, Mical, Mastar Vrook, Master Vandar, Master Vrook, Master Kavar, and the OCs Bryony Thuvell (the future Jedi Exile), Ak'ren Fitcher, Cresh (a droid remote)
    Genre: Adventure
    Keywords: Dantooine, Kidnapping, Dark Jedi, Droid
    Summary: Jedi apprentices have been mysteriously disappearing from the Dantooine Jedi Enclave, and a couple of Padawans take it into their hands to get to the bottom of the situation.
    Notes: This was for the 2009 Dare Challenge.

    An longer version of this story can be found later on this page.

    In 'A new hope' an innocent farmboy goes on a quest to save the princess from the evil sorcerer. During his quest he finds a magical sword and some companions who help him reach his goal.

    If that isn't a classical fairytale! So this is my dare: rewrite a classical fairytale, one from the brothers Grimm (their version, no sugarcoated Disney version!) into a Star Wars story. But beware:

    - the story must be a true Star Wars story, and fit canon, so no, this isn't about creating an AU
    - Jedi and lightsabers must be involved in some way
    - throw in at least two canon characters
    - one of your characters never says a word and still is very much involved in the story
    - one of your characters has a hidden power or a secret that turns out to be important
    - the story must be told from the POV of a robot, and that robot can't be R2-D2 or C3PO
    - bonus points if you can get Qui-Gon Jinn involved, especially if you can do it in a story set after TPM, but without resorting to making him a ghost spirit and still keep the canon intact

    As for the fairytales, here are some links on the net for those who don't have this classic book on their bookshelves:
    http://www.nationalgeographic.com/grimm/index2.html
    http://www.pitt.edu/~dash/grimmtales.html
    http://www.farid-hajji.net/books/en/Grimm_Brothers/ft-index.html

    Please let us know at the end which fairy tale you chose!


    I chose to use [link=http://www.pitt.edu/~dash/grimm046.html]"Fitcher's Bird"[/link] as a base for this story. Obscure, but it sparked a bit of inspiration. Probably the hardest part of this dare was writing a whole fairy tale in under 2,500 words. I had to cut a lot. The hidden power is Mical's healing powers that kept him and the other apprentices alive. Unfortunately, I ran out of words to go into that further. And, giving the era I was unable to insert Qui-Gon Jinn without breaking canon or making him a ghost.



    [b][u]Fitcher's Apprentice[/u][/b]

    I hovered in the Enclave's lightsaber practice arena, sending sporadic bolts of harmless laser fire at the padawan before me: a pale human female with white hair; Atris. Not far off, two other humans sparred: a tall male with bushy black hair by the name of Alek, and a petite dark-haired female called Bryony Thuvell.

    ?This is ridiculous,? Alek complained, ?How long can the masters keep from us what's really going on??

    ?It might be too dangerous for padawans like us to know,? Bryony suggested.

    ?The masters always know best,? Atris agreed, missing my laser bolt.

    ?You can say that, but I still want to know,? the male retorted.
    ?Though, I can't help but think,? Bryony said, backing away from Alek, ?There's got to be some way we can help. With apprentices disappearing??

    Suddenly, an unkempt Jedi apprentice skidded into the room. ?Where's Master Vandar?? he panted.

    ?He's in a council meeting,? Bryony replied soothingly, ?Can it wait??

    ?Sh?Shad!? he stammered, ?Shad's gone too! This morning, he went out and didn't come back.?

    ?Woh, slow down Carrick,? Alek said, then eyed Bryony, ?We might be able to help. Where was he going in the first place??

    ?Down to the stream, I think,? the boy, Zanye Carrick, replied. ?That?s where Kamlin was when she disappeared,? he added a moment later.

    ?Alek, I see that look in your eyes,? Atris observed, ?What's your plan??

    ?Carrick, go wait for the masters outside the council chamber,? Alek advised. Zayne nodded, looking pale, >
     
  2. MiralukaJedi

    MiralukaJedi Jedi Knight star 4

    Registered:
    May 15, 2008
    Very nice. I have to say, well done.
     
  3. p_stotts

    p_stotts Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jan 21, 2001
    Your story comes across very well as a fairytale. I especially liked the droid's pov. It added a nice touch.
     
  4. VaderLVR64

    VaderLVR64 Manager Emeritus star 8 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Feb 5, 2004
    ?No,? Master Vrook said firmly, ?You will stand trial before the Jedi Council on Coruscant for your crimes.?

    ?But I am Sith!? he shrieked.

    Vandar shook his head, ?Now come.? Vrook and Vandar led Fitcher out of the cottage. I spotted the padawans following after them, each supporting two apprentices.

    ?Master,? Bryony exclaimed and rushed over towards Kavar, who embraced her. ?Thank you for coming.?

    ?You did well, my padawan,? He said, releasing her. ?You did what we could not.?

    ?I couldn?t have done it without this remote,? she said, looking at the floor. I hovered down beside her.

    ?A brave remote?? Kavar said, raising an eyebrow, ?We will shine you up as a reward.? He turned to Bryony, ?But don?t ever disobey the council again. You scared me, disappearing like that.?

    Bryony nodded, ?I promise, Master.?



    Nicely done! =D=
     
  5. Seremela

    Seremela Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Jul 12, 2008
    =D= =D= Great answer to the dare! This really is a Star Wars tale, but the fairy tale elements are all there. I think you did a great job translating them from fairytale elements into Star Wars elements.

    I found Cresh wonderful, and IMO the fact that the droid was also the one who couldn't talk worked really well. 'Bobbing up and down' to get attention, lol, indeed! I can just see the little round thing doing it :D

    [:D] Love it!


     
  6. SoA

    SoA Jedi Knight star 3

    Registered:
    Apr 2, 2008
    Thanks for reading everyone! This was certainly a fun piece to write.

    MiralukaJedi, I'm glad you enjoyed it!
    p_stotts, I'm glad the droid POV worked. It was one of the aspects of the story I was most nervous about.
    VaderLVR64, thanks for reading!
    Seremela, thanks! I've gotten kind of attached to Cresh now. I think I need to insert him in some other stories in the future.
     
  7. Seremela

    Seremela Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Jul 12, 2008
    Oh, yes, you should, he's great! Heh, maybe he can meet HK-47 one day..... :D


     
  8. amidalachick

    amidalachick Jedi Master star 5

    Registered:
    Aug 3, 2003
    Really great job with this! =D= It captures both the Star Wars and fairytale feelings very well. And I like Cresh. He's got a lot of personality!
     
  9. KotOR_girl

    KotOR_girl Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Jun 16, 2007
    Very cool story! :D Nice job on OCs and I really liked Kavar. ;)

    =D= =D= =D=
     
  10. Commander-DWH

    Commander-DWH Manager Emeritus star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 3, 2003
    I'm such a dork for not commenting on your story sooner. It's a really great story- I'd love to see the expanded version someday. Someday after finals, right? [face_batting] I swear I'm not a bad influence. Really.

    Cresh made a really fun POV character. And yay, Zayne! He should show up more often. :p Poor kid, always getting into trouble...

    In any case. I applaud you for staying within the word count and still getting a really fun story out of it. Excellent response to the challenge posed! :D
     
  11. SoA

    SoA Jedi Knight star 3

    Registered:
    Apr 2, 2008
    I've been putting serious thought on how to get Cresh into my "Under the Shadow of the Builders," and I think it's going to happen. I'm attached to the spunky little guy. That was totally and unintended consequence of this story.

    amidalachick: I'm glad you liked it! I've been a fairytale nut long before the Star Wars bug bit me, so I was thrilled to be able to write a fairytale adaption. It's something I've been meaning to do for a long time.
    KotOR_girl: Kavar is a great character. Although the games aren't specific on whether or not he was the Exile's master, I loved him so much, I had to do that.
    DWH: I really am going to have to write the expanded version, aren't I? There's so much I cut or just didn't write... prod me again after graduation. ^_^ I admit that I love cameos, and I love Zayne, so it had to happen.
     
  12. SoA

    SoA Jedi Knight star 3

    Registered:
    Apr 2, 2008
    Under DWH's continued pestering, I finally finished up the "extended edition" of this story. I put back in a number of things I had to cut because of the word count limit in the challenge and added even a few more things.


    I hovered in the Enclave's lightsaber practice arena, sending sporadic bolts of harmless laser fire at the padawan before me: a pale human female with white hair; Atris. Not far off, two other humans sparred: a tall male with bushy black hair by the name of Alek Squinquargesimus, and a petite dark-haired female called Bryony Thuvell.

    ?This is ridiculous,? Alek complained taking a hard swing at Bryony, ?How long can the masters keep from us what's really going on??

    ?It might be too dangerous for padawans like us to know,? Bryony suggested, dancing out of the way of his blow. He caught her on the back-swing, but she blocked him. Even with two hands on the hilt of her weapon, Alek would soon easily overpower her with size and strength.

    ?The masters always know best,? Atris agreed, missing my laser bolt as she looked over her shoulder at them.

    ?You can say that, but I still want to know,? the male retorted, leaning harder on his saber. Bryony raised her hand to signal her defeat and Alek let up.

    ?Though, I can't help but think,? Bryony said, panting backing away from Alek, ?There's got to be some way we can help. With apprentices disappearing??

    Suddenly, an unkempt Jedi apprentice skidded into the room. ?Where's Master Vandar?? the young human male panted.

    Atris's attention redirected towards the new arrival, and she retracted her lightsaber. Seeing that she no longer wanted to practice, I switched off my laser and hovered behind her.

    ?He's in a council meeting,? Bryony replied soothingly, ?Can it wait??

    ?Sh?Shad!? he stammered, ?Shad's gone too! This morning, he went out and didn't come back.?

    ?Woah, slow down Carrick,? Alek said, then eyed Bryony, ?We might be able to help. Where was he going in the first place??

    ?Down to the stream, I think,? the boy, Zanye Carrick, replied. ?That?s where Kamlin was when she disappeared,? he added a moment later.

    ?Carrick, go wait for the masters outside the council chamber,? Alek said in what was apparently a calming tone, ?I'm sure they'll be finished soon.?

    Looking paler than usual, the padawan nodded and scurried away.

    ?I wish Roan'ev wasn't off with her master on Coruscant,? Alek muttered, ?She'd know what to do...?

    ?Alek, I see that look in your eyes,? Atris observed as soon as Zayne was gone, ?What's your plan??

    ?We may be able to get to the bottom of this in a way the masters can't,? Alek began, ?Bryony, do you really want to help those apprentices??

    ?Of course,? she replied evenly, extinguishing her lightsaber. Alek did the same.

    ?You're the youngest and smallest of us,? Alek explained, ?You could go to the stream and pretend to be an apprentice. Whatever it is isn't daring enough to take an older Jedi, but you could fool it by leaving your lightsaber and untying your padawan braid.?

    ?I couldn't lose my braid,? Bryony responded indignantly.

    The Jedi seemed to place an undue significance on those thin plaited locks of hair.

    ?Fine, hide it then,? he replied, throwing his hands up defensively.

    ?In case you two failed to notice,? Atris cut in, ?This is bound to be dangerous. How can you prepare for a threat we don't even understand??

    ?I'd be more prepared than any apprentice,? Bryony said hesitantly.

    ?But what if it's a trap and you are injured?? Atris argued, ?An unconscious padawan is just as defenseless as an unconscious apprentice.?

    ?We'd have to track her somehow,? Alek suggested, ?But putting a tracker right on her would be too obvious.?

    I whizzed down closer to the group and bobbed up and down in the air.

    ?Hey!? Bryony exclaimed, ?I think this remote could help. The enclave already tracks all the remotes to keep them from wandering off, and he's small enough to sneak around and follow me.?

    ?Good thinking,? Alek praised, ?And thanks,? he studied my identification letter, ?Cresh. Now we have a plan.?

    ?I'm st>
     
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