Character: Daron Neris, OCs
Genre: Diary
Summary: With his life in shambles and his inner demons tormenting him, Daron is given a chance to redeem himself for his crimes and do some good in the galaxy.

This story is a offshoot of Adalias and my story From Slavery to Aristocracy, though it should be able to work on its own as well.

Thanks to @Adalia-Durron for the beta and support.

Had never thought I would be writing down something again, thought the rest of my life would be nothing but smashing rocks in prison, to return utterly exhausted for a few hours in a cell and then back to work the next morning. Not that I deserve any better, that the fate of a murderer, well attempted murderer in my case, but that´s hardly a difference. Every night I am back in the hospital again, every night I press the pillow onto her face, and every night no one comes to stop me, every night I become a real murderer. Tried to tell myself that I was just acting on my families orders, that it was nothing personal, just a part of the great game, but that's no excuse, as there could never be an excuse for what I've done. And so when my family turned on me, denounced me as a lunatic who had acted on his own I ended up in front of the court alone, with no one to blame but myself. The worst was the media, the holocams pointing at me through the whole ordeal. I knew my life was gone anyway so I pleaded guilty, evidence was dooming me anyway. They gave me fifty years, so maybe if I could live through the decades of hard labor I might have been able to get out as an old man. An old man with nothing left in the world. Thought about suicide in there, but that felt too easy for me, I deserve to suffer, to go through the punishment I was given. And now? I'm not in prison anymore but my body hurts more than it did in the weeks of smashing rocks behind me. They call it "training" here but to me it feels more akin to torture, some of the other recruits have mocked me, called me a pampered Noble and that's probably true. There are times when I miss it, my old life, my bed, my holo books, being allowed to sleep for as long as I want, just having a good time with friends. But then I realizes the reality, how I revoked my right to all of that with my actions. I don't know if I should be here, if this "chance" that was given to me is something I truly deserve. Master Ramiel says that's one of the reasons I was chosen, because they could see my guilt and self hatred over what has happened in the last few weeks. He is probably the first person to show me any kindness since Adrian Malek spared my life. Sometimes I wish the young Malek had just run me through with his blade and ended this, but Ramiel tells me to stop thinking about what was and what could have been. It was also him who encouraged me to write this diary, saying that many new recruits who struggle with their past do it to be able to reflect and then let go of it. Don't think I could ever let go of the memories of spiking first Garth Redan's drink to have him put up a fight with her and then hers so I could pin it on him. Or of my hands pressing down the pillow onto her face. But Ramiel is right, there is nothing I could do to change it, it happened and now this way has lead me here, at the southern edge of the galaxy, a recruit to the Order of the Dawn. In a time that seems ages ago I remembered reading about them in a history book. An ancient military order sworn to protect the galactic south from Nagai and other raiders. Or at least that´s what they claim to have been, in modern times they are little more than a dumping ground for veterans with no place to go, younger children of nobility their families want to see removed from the inheritance and criminals who offered a chance of redemption by joining the order. Criminals like me. Three days ago they made me the offer, and now I´m here, on some forsaken world near the southern edge of the galaxy, a cold and dangerous world, where me and the other recruits are now trained and tested on our abilities, if we succeed we will become members of the order, if not... well those who are here voluntarily can try again next year, but for prisoners like me it would mean going back to smashing rocks for the rest of our lives. In my youth I used to dream of becoming a hero, defending the galaxy from evil, but growing up I became the opposite, part of the evil I sought to oppose. But it seems the universe sometimes believes in second chance and maybe, just maybe, if I can make it through the training, I can hope to make up for at least some of the suffering I caused.

 

Well, it certainly seems as though he's genuinely remorseful for what he's done. I'm interested to see where this goes.

 

@Cowgirl Jedi 1701 Glad you are intrested. He defenetly has a lot of remorse over what he did. Thanks for your comment!

This training is killing me, wakeing up at four in the morning to an ice cold shower and then out into the training grounds, running through a two hour parcour through the wilderness and freezing cold. Then a simple breakfast before weapons training begins, not just shooting blasters thought but also with bladed weapons as the Nagai will often engade in close quarters combat. Was hard for me to pick up the training blade for the first time, not only is it a universe inferior to my handcrafted sword on Eriadu but holding a blade brought the memories back, of the duel I provoked and what happened afterwards. The weapons are blunted but still every hit is painfull, pain that I deserve and that helps drive the memories away at least for brief moments, After the training its again a simple lunch then the whole routine again until the sun sets. When we finally retun to the warmth of the fortress to spent the evening in quiet meditation and reflection. These are the hardest hours, harder than all the pysical pain as they leave me alone with my inner deamons. Master Ramiel told me that it is the only way to overcome my torment but I doubt I will ever be able to leave what I did behind. He also encouradged me to speak with some of the other recuits and so I did. Most look down upon me, are disgusted at the mere tought of talking to someone like me. Some did talk however, Josu who is a noble like me but here because he considers it his duty to protect the galaxy, or Fenn a criminal, only that her crime involved killing her cruel and abusive parents to protect her younger siblings. Its good to talk to people again but I feel that even they look down upon me for what I am. And why wouldn't they? I am selfish coward who tried to murder an innocent woman to start a war. How could anyone ever forgive me?

 

They came in the night, just as master Ramiel told me they would. Don´t know how many it where but they quickly overpowered me, tied my hands and put a closed hood over my head blinding me before dragging me outside, to the place where they would determine my fate. It was cold there, especially just in my short sleeping tunic. So there I was freezing, on my knees, hands tied, the hood still over my head when they place a knife to my throat and yet that wasn´t what made me shiver, but what I was expected to do next. They interrogated me, had me confess my sins, three voices, one asking questions, one filled with hatred and disgust for my actions and the third, I recognized as Ramiel´s friendly, but treacherous, offering easy excuses for each sin I confessed. I told them everything, from every time I was mean to my siblings as a child, every time I was lazy and ungrateful to the servants, over the countless lies I told as part of the political game to eventually: her. The woman who I almost killed twice. It was a long confession going for hours through the night and it made a realize just how terrible of a person I am, I was a selfish, cowardly, spoiled brat even before I tried to murder someone. Felt nothing more than self hatred and guilt kneeling there, rejecting each and every excuse of kindness the third voice offered me, knowing that there was no excuse and no kindness that I deserve. So in the end, when they asked me what should happen to me, I agreed with the second voice, that I should be send back to prison, to be punished for my sins for the rest of my life, or even just have the dagger slit my throat. But instead the dagger was removed and so was the hood. I was we were on one of the balconies of the fortress overlooking the cold desolate mountains that surround it. The third voice was indeed of master Ramiel, the second Taleah the mistress of arms, and the first Grandmaster Saren himself. They told me I had passed the test, that accepting and admitting my crimes, while denying any easy excuses show my true and honest regret for what I had done and my desire to become a better person. Its and old ritual every initiate has to go through, with the heads of the order acting as the interrogators. After the trial master Ramiel brought me back inside, where I could take a bath and was assigned a new quarter. Don´t think I had a better sleep ever before in my life, the first time I didn´t dream of the hospital since that happened. I feel that my confession helped me, made me more at peace now that my sins where confessed and judged. Later today there will be a ceremony where me and the other initiates who passed our test will enter the ranks of the order, becoming novices and being assigned to a senior knight for further training. It´s also the day I will die. When I take the oath Daron Neris will be gone, gone to his family, his homeworld and his friends, even his enemies, instead I simply will be brother Daron of the Order of the Dawn. But I don´t think that´s a bad thing, the old Daron was a terrible person, maybe this new one can be something better.