Title: Get It While It's Hoth!™ Author: Ewok Poet Genre: Humour, vignette Characters: OCs, references to canon characters Timeframe: 3 ABY // 1BBE Rating: G Length: Short Summary: Spin, the company behind the ANGRY MACE™ products, is using the Battle of Hoth to promote its new soup... This is an award fic for Mistress_Renata. Her excellent story, Hobbie's Law won best Action/Adventure and tied for the Best New Canon story at the 2017 Golden Yoda Awards. She requested an ad for an ANGRY MACE™ product and I asked her for a couple of elements to include in it. The story is late because I was literally brainless for months and absolutely "out of happy". The ANGRY MACE™ brand was previously featured in a bunch of other stories, most notably those where Kylo Ren sees his grandfather in food...oh, and this award skit. The soup started out as an inside joke between the three of us - Findswoman, Raissa Baiard and yours truly, after we had read a story featuring a really, really OOC Mace Windu. Of course, Snakes on a Plane came to mind. So, the soup was the first in the never-ending assortment of ANGRY MACE™ products. However, I must point out that it was Raissa who gave the soup its current name. Curiously enough, she received an award fic from me featuring another ANGRY MACE™ product last year - there's also a picture of the packaging, make sure you have a looksie if you want TEH LULZ. I might, just might, photoshop this can of soup at some point, too - have not done anything other in Photoshop than editing RAW files of photographs off my Canon DSLR in a while... ***Two Bith are walking down a crowded street, with tall buildings appearing behind them*** DIDDOMEL: "But, Grer'in, those beings are known for having sex! We cannot possibly be sharing the condo with them!" GRER'LIN: "I know, Diddomel, but we have managed it to the mid-levels without being banished! That gig at the Millaflower Lounge will help us survive! Many Imperial officers come there while off duty and they tip the musicians generously!" DIDDOMEL: "Perhaps we really are an inferior species. I don't think I will ever manage to adapt to their world..." GRER'LIN: "That's the price of safety, Diddomel. The sooner we realise that, the better." ***The transmission suddenly stops*** ***Large red text written in a slab serif font flashes at the viewers*** PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT ***Announcer in Imperial Uniform appears onscreen, stands perfectly still.*** We interrupt this episode of "Bith Marriage" to bring you the most exciting news - after the Rebel aggressors destroyed our pride, the Death Star and committed a genocide against millions of innocent beings, many started to doubt their future. But we are pleased to inform YOU that our mighty army has destroyed the Rebel scum secret hideout in the Hoth System. Many a great soldier has given his life for the Galactic Empire, but their families and YOU should be proud, for they took many enemies with them. ***Subliminal message briefly flashes onscreen: Join the Imperial Youth! Join the Imperial Youth! Carida, Carida, Carida!*** Background voice: "Good, good...now, what was the deal we had with SPIN? THIS SPECIAL BULLETIN WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE ANGRY MACE™ BRAND CREAM OF VENGEANCE SOUP***NOW WITH TIE-FIGHTER AND AT-AT PASTA SHAPES*** DO YOU HAVE TROUBLE DISCIPLINING YOUR YOUNGLINGS? IS IT HARD TO KEEP TRACK OF THEM? ARE THEY - PERHAPS - BEHAVING LIKE REBEL SCUM? ARE YOU WORRIED THAT THEY WILL END UP IN THE SPICE MINES OF KESSEL AND NOT IN THE IMPERIAL ACADEMY ON CARIDA? "SPIN", THE CORPORATE SECTOR'S MOST SUCCESSFUL FOOD CONGLOMERATE, RENOWNED FOR SUPPLYING RATION BARS TO OUR TROOPS AND CATERING FOR THE BANQUETS ON STAR DESTROYERS, HAS A SOLUTION FOR YOUR PROBLEM! THE NEWEST ADDITION TO OUR ECONOMY LINE OF FOOD PRODUCTS WILL GET YOUR LITTLE WOMP RATS TO BECOME SUBMISSIVE AND YOU WILL NOT HAVE TO MOVE A FINGER! ***a holotoon of an angry bald man jumps out from behind the text on the screen, tearing the canvas apart...he then throws a bowl of unidentified red liquid towards the fictional holocam, thus creating an illusion of its being splattered across the viewers' viewscreens*** BEHOLD THE ANGRY MACE™ BRAND CREAM OF VENGEANCE SOUP. THE LEGEND HAS THAT THE EVIL JEDI MACE WINDU, WHOSE GHOST STILL ROAMS AROUND THE LOWER LEVELS OF THE IMPERIAL CENTRE, ONCE THREW A BOWL OF THIS STRAIGHT IN EMPEROR PALPATINE'S FACE, PERMANENTLY DAMAGING HIS FEATURES AND VOCAL CHORD. WE HAVE GOT A HOLD OF THE CURSED RECIPE DURING THE GLORIOUS RAID OF THE JEDI TRAITORS' ALLEGED "TEMPLE" AND NOW, MORE THAN TWENTY YEARS LATER, WE ARE PROUD TO SHARE A SAFER VERSION OF THIS ELIXIR OF ULTIMATE POWER AND SMOOTH SUBMISSION....WITH YOU, IMPERIAL DENIZEN! OUR GLORIOUS FIGHTERS ON HOTH USED THE DEHYDRATED VERSION OF THIS FOOD PRODUCT AND ATE IT WITH MELTED SNOW IN ORDER TO KEEP WARM AND SERVE THE EMPIRE BETTER. OUR AGILE PILOTS HAD AN INFUSION OF THIS FOOD PRODUCT BEFORE THEY SET OFF. IN ORDER TO PRESERVE THEIR MEMORY, WE HAVE DITCHED OUR TRADITIONAL VENGEANCE SPRINKLES AND CHOSE TO IMPROVE THIS SOUP PRODUCT WITH PASTA SHAPES RESEMBLING TIE FIGHTERS AND AT-ATs. THIS WILL MAKE THE PRODUCT MORE INTERESTING TO YOUR YOUNGLING AND SOONER OR LATER, THEY WILL REQUEST TO WATCH PROPAGANDA HOLOTOONS AND PROMISE THAT THEY TOO WILL SERVE THE GALACTIC EMPIRE ONCE OLD ENOUGH. TRICK THEM INTO SUBMISSION - PREPARE THEM FOR A FUTURE MISSION! GET THE SERPENTS ON OUR ENEMIES' X-WINGS - CREAM OF VENGEANCE FOR THE WIN! ANGRY MACE™ BRAND CREAM OF VENGEANCE SOUP. GET IT WHILE IT'S HOTH!™ SO GOOD THAT IT HAS TO BE YELLED OUT! *CONTAINS 60% WATER, 15% GENETICALLY MODIFIED DUSTCORN FLOUR PASTA SHAPES, 5% ARTIFICIAL FLAVOURING, 20% REDUCED BANTHA LARD FROM OUR FARMS IN THE COLONIES AND 5% MONOSODIUM GLUTAMATE. RADIATION LEVELS DETERMINED SAFE IN IDEAL SURROUNDINGS. PASTA SHAPES HAVE BEEN SHOWN TO CAUSE SOME SIDE EFFECTS THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE LIMITED TO SUFFOCATION, RASH, HAIR AND FUR LOSS. ***Advertisement is over, back to the studio. The announcer looks remarkably confused.*** So, that's right - celebrate our victory with...vengeance soup, yes. Now back to "Bith Marriage". ***The scene resumes where it had previously stopped*** DIDDOMEL: "So, are we going to eat now? Let's see what they have at the nearby cantina." GRER'LIN: "Look at what it says on the display. Today's table d'hôte features the ANGRY MACE™ SCALEFISH CHOWDER. Your favourite, darling!" DIDDOMEL: "Oh, my Sith! Let's go in! I hope there are still free tables!" Footnotes Spoiler I created “Bith Marriage” for a later chapter of The Blind Charts the Stars, but it was so unbelievably stupid that I just had to use it here and make the whole thing more absurd. I reckon that, in the days after the fall of the Empire, Doddomel and Grer’lin will be acting much, much different… The Millaflower Lounge would be a club on Coruscant somewhere. Fanon. The ingredients amount to 105% - you’re not seeing things and yes, it’s on purpose.