Saga - ST Ghostly Guidance- Humorous one-shot, Kylo Ren

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by Ridley Solo, Apr 18, 2017.

  1. Ridley Solo

    Ridley Solo Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Aug 27, 2010
    Hello! Been a very long time since I've posted FanFic in here. I used to go under the name JainaSoloYJK...obviously that's Legends now.

    Anyway, without further ado....
    GENRE: Humor, Parody, Family
    SUMMARY: Kylo Ren finally meets his grandfather...but not in the way he expected

    He sat an attitude of supplication, head bowed, shoulders loose, gloved hands folded in front of him. His wounds were still fresh, but he used the pain to fuel his anger. A single tear stung the deep scar that ran from face to collarbone. His thick, curly black hair hung hidden beneath the dented mask.

    "I've failed you," said Kylo Ren in his filtered, modulated voice. "I've failed you, Grandfather. I feel the Dark Side...but it is not enough. I need more strength to defeat the Light. And that girl..." His voice hardened with anger. "That girl...defeated me! Untrained, and yet she defeated me! She could be our ally if only she would join us." Kylo hunched his shoulders. "Please...I need your guidance. Show me how to convince her."

    For a moment nothing more than the silence Kylo was used to filled his private meditation chambers. Then, suddenly, he sensed a presence in the room. It was familiar...and yet completely alien.

    "Ben..." said a voice.

    Kylo whirled around to see who it was.

    Before him stood a man of indeterminate age, with curly hair to his shoulders, stern eyes, and Jedi robes. But this man was only half there. He stood with a bluish glow about him, somewhat transparent like a hologram. But this was no hologram. He had a definite presence in the Force.

    Instinctively Kylo leapt to his feet and put a hand on the hilt of his lightsaber. "Who are you? What do you want?"

    "Ben Solo, I am thoroughly ashamed of you. What have you done?" asked the ghost, crossing his arms.

    "Who are you?" Kylo demanded again.

    "I am Anakin Skywalker, your grandfather," answered the ghost.

    "My grandfather was Darth Vader," said Kylo proudly. He lifted his chin. "And Ben Solo is dead. I killed him. He was weak and foolish-"

    Anakin's ghost rolled his eyes. "Oh, give it a rest, will you? Every Dark Sider since Bane has used that line. But then..." he threw a pointed glance to Kylo's helmet. "You aren't exactly going for originality, are you?"

    Slowly Kylo sat back down and let his hands drop. His senses told him this spirit was telling the truth...but he spoke nonsense. "What do you want?"

    Anakin frowned. "I was hoping to talk some sense into know, turn you from your dark ways?"

    Kylo smirked. "You are too late. I am one with the darkness."

    Anakin raised an eyebrow. "'One with the darkness'? Oy. So I see you've inherited my drama. By the way, you never answered my question."

    "Which was?"

    "What do you think you're doing? I've heard of hero worship, but this is just creepy. I mean, you're talking to a crispy fried helmet, for crying out loud! Did you actually go all the way to Endor to dig that out of the ashes?"

    Kylo Ren blinked. This was not how he had imagined his grandfather. "I did not steal it, if that is what you mean."

    Anakin nodded. "Oh yes, you did. I might be dead, and I might not be Darth Vader anymore, but that was my grave you dug up and my helmet you're staring at like a rabid fanboy. If you're looking to earn brownie points with me, grave robbery isn't going to cut it."

    The young man wavered uncertainly in his seat. This cannot be real. I must be hallucinating. His senses told him otherwise. " are who you say you are...then please help me."

    Anakin lifted an eyebrow. "Oh, yeah. You need help, all right. Mental help. Where are the men in white coats when you need them?"

    Anger flashed in Kylo's eyes. "Are you trying to tell me I'm crazy?"

    "Hey, if the shiny helmet fits..." The ghost shrugged.

    "I am not crazy!" roared the cloaked figure, hand going to his lightsaber hilt.

    "So says the guy talking to a helmet."


    Anakin scoffed. "Or what? I'm already dead, in case you haven't noticed."

    Kylo snarled and ignited his lightsaber, bringing it down toward the ghost. It passed directly through him several times with no effect.

    Anakin looked on, unimpressed. "Oh, yeah. Slice and dice anything that makes you mad. That works real well. Geez, and I thought I had anger issues. So what's going on here?"

    The cloaked Darksider, already so confused he could hardly process what he was seeing, stumbled backward, lightsaber still in hand. "What?"

    Anakin crossed his arms. "Why did you turn to the Dark Side?"

    Now it was Kylo's turn to scoff. "So speaks the man feared throughout the galaxy as the second in command to the Emperor. The Dark Side is more powerful, as you well know."

    Anakin glared. "All right...I'll be the first to admit I was wrong...but the Dark Side is not more powerful. That's what Snake wants you to think."

    Kylo pointed his lightsaber at the ghost again. "You lie. Why else would you turn to the Dark Side?"

    Anakin shook his head. "Ugh. Not this old line again. And for your information, I didn't exactly have the best childhood. Born a slave, grew up without a father, left my mother as a small child, returned to have my mother die in my arms, and then lost my wife. Oh, yeah, and some guy fed me all those lies that the Dark Side was more powerful."

    Kylo straightened his spine with pride. "It is. I will soon overtake even you."

    "Riiiight. So far all I can see is a toddler with a robe and a lightsaber throwing a fit every time he doesn't get his way. What Sith name would you have? Darth Tantrum?" Anakin snickered.

    "I do not need to listen to this!" Kylo deactivated his lightsaber and turned away.

    "So, just tell me one thing. Why the heck do you worship Darth Vader?" Anakin wanted to know.

    "He was the most powerful Sith who ever lived-"

    "-he killed a bunch of kids! Is that anything to look up to?"

    "And I will finish what he started."

    Anakin narrowed his eyes. "Which is?"

    Kylo turned slowly to face the ghostly apparition. "To wipe out the Jedi."

    Anakin shook his head. "Never gonna happen."

    The young man crossed his arms. "Why?"

    Anakin began ticking off his fingers one by one. "First of all, you're never gonna get the jump on Luke. He knows who you're after. Second, there's this new kid...what's her name? Rey. She kicked your butt once already-"

    "I was injured!" protested Kylo loudly.

    "Yeah, just keep telling yourself that. And third..." Anakin leaned in until his nose was practically going through Kylo's. "I. Won't. Let you."

    Kylo scoffed, though he took a step back. "And how do you propose to stop me, ghost?"

    Anakin pressed an index finger to his chin and rolled his eyes to the right to pantomime thinking. "Hmm...let's see...what should I do?"

    Kylo smirked in derision. "You see? You cannot tell me because you cannot do anything. You no longer have any power in this world."

    Anakin lifted an eyebrow. "Not so fast, bub. Just because I'm a ghost doesn't mean I can't do anything. By sacrificing myself to save my son, I have become more powerful than you could possibly imagine."

    "That's my line!" Called another disembodied voice.

    "What was that?" asked Kylo, eyes darting about. He sensed another presence in the room, but saw now one. "Show yourself, spirit!"

    "That was Obi-Wan. Don't mind him. He likes to mess with your head," shrugged Anakin.

    "That's still my line...which, by the way, I told you right before you killed me," reminded Obi-Wan's ghostly voice.

    Anakin cringed. "You had to bring that up, didn't you?"

    "Honesty is the way of the Jedi."

    "Okay, then I guess you won't mind my mentioning this clown is named after you."

    Obi-Wan groaned. "Touche."

    Anakin turned back to the ceiling with a frown. "C'mon, Kenobi. This is my gig. Go bug Luke or something."

    With a ghostly sigh, Obi-Wan's presence dissolved back into the Netherworld. Anakin and his grandson were left alone.

    Anakin twiddled his see-through thumbs. "Now...where were we? Oh. Yes. You were threatening my son...and your uncle."

    Kylo growled with impatience. "If you must speak, then do so and leave me. I haven't time for this nonsense."

    The ghost shrugged. "Okay. Seriously, you do NOT want to go any farther than you have. Just give up this whole 'destroy the Jedi' campaign. Turn back from darkness. Go call your mom."

    The young man wavered a little at the mention of his mother, but stood firm. "You cannot influence me with your foolish talk."

    Anakin spread his hands. "C'mon! Last chance, pal. You pass this up, it's all downhill from here. Trust me. I know."

    Kylo glared. "You know nothing. Now, begone!"

    A heavy sigh issued from Anakin, and he hung his head. "Well...I warned you. You wanna keep screwing up the galaxy, be my guest. Just know that Luke and Rey are gonna kick your sorry backside from one side of this galaxy-"

    "I said BEGONE!" roared Kylo, wishing he could strangle the apparition.

    "Okay, okay. Man, you are a hothead, aren't you? All right. I'm gone. Sayonara, Emo Boy." And with that, the ghost faded back into oblivion, leaving Kylo Ren alone in his chambers.

    Kylo was about to sigh in relief when the voice popped back into his head.

    "Oh, by the way-"


    "Get a haircut."

  2. Cowgirl Jedi 1701

    Cowgirl Jedi 1701 Force Ghost star 5

    Dec 21, 2016
    Yes! Yes, yes, yes, and yes! Now we need the scene in the netherworld of the Force where Han and Anakin are commisserating about what a stupid posterior orifice Ben is acting like.
    Ridley Solo likes this.
  3. Ewok Poet

    Ewok Poet Force Ghost star 6

    Jul 31, 2014
    This was great. I love the stories where ghosts troll Kylo - in fact, I wrote one myself and since you're looking for Kylo stuff, it's a matter of the moment when you'll come across it. :p

    Some of my favourite bits:



    [face_rofl] [face_rofl]

    An enjoyable read on a cold afternoon - thank you. :)
    AzureAngel2 and Ridley Solo like this.
  4. Mistress_Renata

    Mistress_Renata Manager Emeritus star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Sep 9, 2000
    This was cute. Kylo so shocked that his great hero is just a guy like him; Anakin calling him out on his emo moodiness (if anyone would know the consequences of that...). And especially that last line, which turned him into a total old fogey grandpa:


    Well done, Ridley Solo!
  5. Mr Chyntuckopoulos

    Mr Chyntuckopoulos Jedi Youngling

    Apr 20, 2017
    This is so funny Ridley Solo! I'm not sure what had me laughing harder, the Darth Tantrum nickname or the haircut comment? Your story reminded me of the old Vader Monologues, but the combination of Kylo Re with Anakin is even better!
    AzureAngel2 and Ridley Solo like this.
  6. AzureAngel2

    AzureAngel2 Chosen One star 6

    Jun 14, 2005
    This was a fun story, where AnakinĀ“s Force ghost said all the things that I always wanted to tell Kylo Ren myself.


    Thanks for writing it! This should be turned into a "Saturday Night" clip. :D
    Ridley Solo likes this.
  7. brodiew

    brodiew Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Oct 11, 2005
    What a fun read, RidleySolo! I loved Anakin's incredulity at Kylo's deficient hero worship. If anyone can tell a cautionary tale of going to the Dark Side, it's Anakin Solo. I really enjoyed his wicked taunting of Emo Boy! =D= [face_devil][face_laugh]
    AzureAngel2 likes this.
  8. GregMcP

    GregMcP Force Ghost star 5

    Jul 7, 2015
    Flowed along good and easily.
    Said what needed to be said.

    And showed the essential fragility of The Sith. They are only serious and scary if you treat them that way. If you decide to view The Sith as being a bit silly, then yeah, they are all very silly.
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2019
    AzureAngel2 likes this.
  9. gizkaspice

    gizkaspice Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Nov 27, 2013
    Can't believe I missed this hidden gem! Oh, where to start---Anakin trolling Kylo, emo Kylo realizing his 'idol' isn't exactly how he pictured him, sassy Anakin: "Go bug Luke or something", "Get a haircut" ? [face_laugh]

    Well done! :D
    Ridley Solo likes this.