HELP!!!!!...would be great (Younger Writer)

Heya pplz! I'm a younger writer and am beginning to start to write Fanfictions based on the Rebel Pilots cauz they're so cool and have great charcters. I luv Tycho Celchu and thought that I'd write a Fanfic about his time on Lusankya. I'm not finished it yet but was wondering if any1 could give me any info on Tych, Lusankya, Isard...any info that u think would help me.

This is a bit of my story so far...any constructive critism would be great This is a bit when Tych's having a nightmare bout his past.

Disclaimer: The characters of this fiction are licensed and property of George Lucas. This Fanfiction is based on characters created by Lucas and was not written to be sold for monetary reasons. Please do not use any additional characters, settings or themes in this FanFiction without my consent.

The crystal blue sky tore apart, shattering like fractured transparisteel, unleashing chaos upon the world below. Molten crimson explosions expanded to fill the sky, casting harsh red radiance upon the civilians below. He looked up at the sky, the flaming scarlet luminosity reflecting painfully in his blue eyes. His family were suddenly hundreds of metres away, dark silhouettes against the burning red of the atmosphere. Fire burned at his flesh and heat stole oxygen from his lungs, causing him to falter and stumble to the scorched earth below him. He looked up and saw the towering flames over him, threatening to engulf his family. Terrified screams of his sisters rang sharply in his ears, bringing anguished tears to his eyes. He ran blindly toward the dark shadows amidst the flames, desperately trying to reach them, to rescue them from the inferno that burned uncontrollably. He stumbled again, falling helplessly to his knees, and reached out a hand to his younger sister before him. He pleaded with her to come to him so that he could protect her from harm but she turned suddenly, her azure eyes blazing with anger.
"You murdered us. We didn't stand a chance against you," the innocent voice of his sister spoke with a hatred that crushed his soul.
He cried out to his brother, his mother, his father. They looked at him with the same loathing that his sister held in her eyes, their stares of hate burning him more that the flames that blazed around him. The powerful force of severe guilt slammed into him, crushing his chest and causing him to gasp for breath.
"You murdered us. You are to blame for our deaths. You destroyed Alderaan," the voices of his family cried in unison, their united accusations shattering his heart.
"No. Please?please don't do this to me," he heard his voice cry sorrowfully, closing his eyes against the tears that flooded his eyes and spilled down his cheeks.
"But it is the truth, Celchu," a cold voice spoke, crisp tones of a Coruscant native obvious in her speech.
He opened his eyes unwillingly, sudden illumination and glistening tears in his eyes distorting his vision. Her dark presence stood over him, commanding authority over him and instilling helplessness in his mind. Her voice, with imposing tones, while still being somewhat feminine, pierced the memories of his family, shattering their images before his eyes.
"You must accept responsibility for the atrocities that you have committed."
"No," he whispered softly before he cried aloud, pulling defiantly against the restraints around his body. "No. I didn't kill my family. The Empire destroyed Alderaan."
"But that is simply not true, Lieutenant. You shift your blame onto an innocent government," the woman spoke, the callousness of her voice contrasting with the innocence of her words.
"I am a Rebel. I fight the Imps that destroyed my home," he shouted angrily, uncertainty in his strained voice.
"You are a Rebel to the Empire's command. Imperials do not believe that the destruction of a world is honourable; they oppose any such tragic act of needless devastation."
His enduring resilience could no longer defy the hurtful accusations with which she bombarded him, doubts clouding his mind. The

 

Nice post. I'm interested. What would you like help with??

 

Hmmm...not bad. Good dialogue. So, what is it you need help with?

 

you have a wonderful start here, and a very talented style, imho. you're writing is very discriptive, which most readers tend to gravitate towards because it paints a clear picture in the mind's eye.

i really don't see any huge flaw to fix. you depict Isard well--i like how you didn't give away her identity up front to the readers. Tycho's emotions are very clear and well founded, and the "dream" is very realistic based on the information we have of Isard's torture.

if you would like to know more about Tycho, I suggest posting over in the Literature forum a few detailed questions. the posters there are experts and know more about some characters than you ever thought existed!

 

Especially 'Valiento,' or 'Genghis12.'

 

One thing for those of us who have ruined our eyesight by sitting in front of computer screens for too many hours...

Separate your paragraphs with a line in between each. I tend not to even bother with a story if it's one huge block of text because trying to read it hurts my eyes too much.

Otherwise, I enjoyed it! Post this story over in the fanfic board and I'll read it!

 

Thanks everyone!!! You're all so nice...I have to admit that I was nervous about putting it up. All the hard work I put into it...but I'm sure you all know heaps about that.

When I've finished the whole thing I'll put it up in the Fanfic section. And I'll put the lines between paragraphs next time. Sorry!!!

Thanks everyone and hope you all can read my stuff when it's done!!!

 

you're welcome

btw, i've been here over a year and i still get nervous when i put up a new fic!

 

The worst part about posting is waiting for the first reply. I go through that with every story I post.

 

Corellian_Rogue,

There's a pattern to your sentence structure that you need to try and vary. Your sentences have a pattern of starting off with the initial action, followed by phrases that expand upon it. You should try to avoid having two of these sentences one right after the other.

For example,
"The crystal blue sky tore apart, shattering like fractured transparisteel, unleashing chaos upon the world below"

"The crystal blue sky tore apart" is the initial action. "shattering like fractured transparisteel, unleashing chaos upon the world below (sic)" is the expansion.

Example:
"He looked up at the sky, the flaming scarlet luminosity reflecting painfully in his blue eyes."

"He looked up at the sky" is the initial action, followed by "the flaming scarlet luminiosity" as the expansion.

Example:
"His family were suddenly hundreds of metres away, dark silhouettes against the burning red of the atmosphere."

"His family were (sic) suddenly hundreds of metres away" is the initial statement, followed by "dark silhouettes against the burning red of the atmosphere" as the expansion.

Not to be harsh, but those above examples are three consecutive sentences with no variability in the pattern. If you must use the extra phrases to expand the idea, try inserting them at the beginning of your sentences or possibly in the middle to give some variety.

Also, just a word grammar-wise, don't end sentences in prepositions. That is why I put "sic" next to "below" in one of the above sentences.

"Family" is singular, necessitating "was" instead of "were." That is the reason why I put "sic" in that sentence as well.

You also have a tendency to get too melodramatic in your descriptions. Personification is a creative use of words, but personification for the purposes of manipulating emotions is melodrama, something to be avoided. For example, a presence cannot stand over a physical human being. A person can. A shadow can, but a presence cannot.

Guilt cannot slam into someone and crush their chest. But, feelings of guilt CAN cause someone to lose their breath.

I do understand that it is personification you are trying there. Yet, when you use personification for the sake manipulating emotions, it goes into the area of melodrama.


Anyway, sorry for the harsh critique, but it appears you do have a good story to tell. You just need to work on the delivery.

 

I know what you mean about the waiting for the first reply. To say I was kinda nervous is an understatement

Thanks alot Vonn for the help! I guess I do over dramatise a bit I'll take your ideas into consideration.

Thanks everyone!

 

Also, with most of the sentences that contained dialogue, you started them off with the dialogue. Try to mix it up a bit.

For example, you might start one off with:

His sister's once innocent voice, now filled with hatred, said....

Or:

His heart shattered as he heard their accusations; "....."

Also, try to break up some of the dialogue. Other than that, the plot is excellent, and the story has great potential.