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Before - Legends Ice - An OC vignette - SOTM for November! Cover art added 23/11!

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by JediNemesis, Sep 29, 2006.

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  1. JediNemesis

    JediNemesis Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Mar 27, 2003
    Title: Ice
    Author: JediNemesis
    Genre: Angst, drama, horror - maybe all three.
    Era: 7000+ years pre-TPM.
    Characters: OCs.

    Notes: Another late-night effort. It must be hormonal. There's no other explanation.

    Cover Art [done by the author]
    [image=http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b22/JediNemesis/Covers/Ice1.jpg]


    [b]DISCLAIMER:[/b] George Lucas owns the universe, I own my paltry few OCs and original planets, no money is involved anywhere.

    [hr]

    So she had come here, to far distant Sheyari, the world locked for nine months of the year in endless and perpetual ice. Deep below its surface was an ocean of water kept liquid only by bitter dissolved salts and the last, faint, pulse of the heat remaining at the world?s core. On the surface of the black sea rode innumerable ice floes, continent-sized, groaning and cracking against one another as the water swelled or fell beneath them.

    Sometimes, as now, she walked out to the edge of the floe and listened to the noise of the ice. It never stopped, never lessened; always there was the low, harsh sound of the planet?s skin tearing, a splintering and shivering that echoed halfway round the world.

    Sheyari?s few cities were low clusters of domes centred on the huge pipes that pulled precious water from the mantling ocean. Processed, it yielded the minerals that were the only reason the two hundred thousand Sheyarin lived there. Since coming, she had joined the maintenance crew at one of the plants. It was precarious, fragile work keeping the pipes clear; the chill of the deep sections combined claustrophobia with fear of the dark, of drowning, and of the sucking depth below. She coped, but barely; how could the others stand it, when even she - with her training, her discipline, and her link to the Force - found it torture to force an unwilling body into the drop capsule?

    It was a different kind of hardship than the Order had been. The stringent ideals of the Jedi, of peace, of truth, of justice and liberty, meant little when life was nothing but a cold, bitter struggle from day to day. She had been first shamed and then humbled by the speed with which, starving, she had lied and stolen to keep herself alive.

    She had given up her lightsaber, her family and her name to come here.

    Only six Jedi in the history of the Order had done likewise. She made the seventh; the Lost Six had become the Lost Seven, and maybe one day would become the Lost Eight as another all-too-human Knight or Master cracked under the pressure of the galaxy.

    Perhaps she had more reason than most to leave, but still it was a heavy certainty to bear: that no matter what she had done, what she became, she would be remembered by a bust in the tiny, cramped Archive Hall and a line in the history books as a Lost One. A stray, an apostate, a misguided child believing that she knew better than the ancients of the Order did . . .

    Strange, that those who merely renounced their calling were shamed in the histories, but that those who left the Order for the sick embrace of the Sith were not.

    But no; the Sith feared death more than they loved power, and even the lasting shame of a Lost One was a gift that most of the Dark Lords would kill for.

    Immortality.

    She had wondered, once, if it were possible to go out to the very edge of the ice-continent, to where the black sea stretched into dimness, and swim out into the paralysing cold. Little lived in the water; even the bacteria clustered around the hot spurts on the sea floor. In due time, the surface of the sea would lose some of its salt and freeze, and entomb her with it.

    When she had reached Sheyari, in the first desolation of grief, she had thought an eternity in ice an attractive end. Now it seemed repugnant, the mere idea of her withered shell inhabiting the ageless beauty of the ice a travesty.

    She turned and began to retrace her steps, following the single line of scuffed prints back through the perpetual snowfall. Her home was a tiny half-sunken dome a little wa>
     
  2. Meredith_Kenobi

    Meredith_Kenobi Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jul 20, 2005
    Wow. Strange. Fascinating. A little creepy...

    =D= Very nice work.
     
  3. VaderLVR64

    VaderLVR64 Manager Emeritus star 8 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Feb 5, 2004
    That was incredible, :eek: but no surprise considering who the author is. :p

    She shrank back from him again, the anger frozen in her throat. Tears came unbidden, and with them sick shame that she had ever believed the worst. All the aching grief of the first days on Sheyari returned, colder and sharper than before.

    The Dark Lord rose and resettled his hood and left, silent, unmoved; without so much as a backward look.

    Still later, the tide came in.

    The black sea met the cliff-edge of the floe with a sound like constant, driving rain; the rush and sluice of water up and down the ice was countered by the endless creaks and sighs as chunks of the continent broke free. Surf washed inland over the lip of the tilting cliff.

    And there was one more set of tracks leading out to the edge of the ice, one more white shape drifting out to sea.


    Definitely creepy, but powerful as well. =D=
     
  4. dianethx

    dianethx Jedi Master star 6

    Registered:
    Mar 1, 2002
    Creepy and strange. I loved the images of cold and desolation, especially the ending.

    Great job.
     
  5. ardavenport

    ardavenport Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Dec 16, 2004
    Oh, very nicely done. The setting was perfect for...well depression and with just enough detail to move the story and the mood forward. The Sith showed exquisite cruelty to drive the lost seventh to the sea; minimal effort for maximum effect. That guy must be really evil.
     
  6. JediNemesis

    JediNemesis Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Mar 27, 2003
    Hello there :)

    Meredith_Kenobi Wow. Strange. Fascinating. A little creepy... =D= Very nice work. Thanks! 'Strange' and 'creepy' seems to define my style pretty well . . . thanks for dropping by :)

    VL That was incredible, :eek: but no surprise considering who the author is. :p .... Definitely creepy, but powerful as well. No surprise? I'm blushing. I'm glad you liked it. :D

    diane Creepy and strange. I loved the images of cold and desolation, especially the ending. ... Great job. As far as the images go, I'm a sucker for pathetic fallacy - having the setting mimic the tone of the story; I love the atmosphere it can generate. Thanks :)

    ardavenport Oh, very nicely done. The setting was perfect for...well depression and with just enough detail to move the story and the mood forward. Like I said to diane, I love having the setting fit the tone, and the whole mood I was going for is cold. The Sith showed exquisite cruelty to drive the lost seventh to the sea; minimal effort for maximum effect. That guy must be really evil. Absolutely. He's clever and cruel and a Sith of the old breed.

    I've just realised I never actually mention a name. It's Ionnàs, a returning OC of mine. The green eyes are the giveaway. :p

    Thanks everyone who read!

    Nem :)
     
  7. JediNemesis

    JediNemesis Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Mar 27, 2003
    Okay, maybe it's true that OC fics drop quicker. :(

    Up to the top, baby!
     
  8. Luton_Plunder

    Luton_Plunder Jedi Knight star 3

    Registered:
    Jun 15, 2006
    Okay, maybe it's true that OC fics drop quicker.

    I may not have been here long but I already sympathise with the other OC writers ;) This was really good, JediNemesis - I (like everyone else it seems) loved the setting and really enjoyed reading about the ancient jedi/sith stuff. I'm something of a n00b when it comes to that side of Star Wars lore, so this was all very eye-opening :p

    Great tone and great style!

    LP
     
  9. JadeSolo

    JadeSolo Manager Emeritus star 6 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Sep 20, 2002
    I felt cold just reading this. :p You never fail to impress, Nem.

    So she had come here, to far distant Sheyari, the world locked for nine months of the year in endless and perpetual ice.

    I loved this first line because it sounds like you're already in the middle of the story. Amazing what adding "So" can do to the entire tone. Everything sounded so quiet and empty, and it ended without any fuss at all.

    one more white shape drifting out to sea.

    Not to mention that image matching the despair that the OC feels. I also got a big kick out of the Sith's appearance - he came to that god-forsaken planet just to make her suffer with a few words. Nice. :cool:
     
  10. Pandora

    Pandora Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Registered:
    Apr 13, 2005
    This story is so creepy, and cold, yet with emotion and pain moving right below the surface. The winter planet is the perfect setting, to show such absolute cold, such absolute isolation and numbed despair. I was almost surprised to learn that there are other people, and an actual city, there. It feels as though the main character is completely alone.

    But then, in a way, she is, no matter how many people live nearby.

    This is certainly a way of having the landscape and character match up, with each reflecting the other. And each is the main character of the story, as the title shows.

    I like the opening, because it has such a matter of fact tone that reminds me almost of folklore in a way. The Jedi lore of those who are lost. The fact that so much is left for the reader to figure out.

    And that Sith... I don't know what to think of him. He traveled, I'm assuming, long distances, just to make the main character suffer. All he needed was a few, well-chosen words. I think this is a good example of how the truth (and I do believe what the Sith says, for why should he lie?) can be a more brutal weapon that any lie.

    The ending is so ominous and bleak, mostly because of the ambiguity. It looks like the main character has finally gone into the sea, but we don't really know that. We just wonder, and that is much scarier.
     
  11. Nienna_Narmolanya

    Nienna_Narmolanya Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jul 5, 2005
    The black sea met the cliff-edge of the floe with a sound like constant, driving rain; the rush and sluice of water up and down the ice was countered by the endless creaks and sighs as chunks of the continent broke free. Surf washed inland over the lip of the tilting cliff.

    And there was one more set of tracks leading out to the edge of the ice, one more white shape drifting out to sea.


    Wow! *pulls warm blanket tighter* So very haunting! Tragic and beautiful. I loved this! You painted such a vivid picture with your words. I could feel the woman's despair (and I truly mean that), even though we never learned the whole story behind her brother's death.

    Beautifully and powerfully written, JediNemesis! =D=
     
  12. JediNemesis

    JediNemesis Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Mar 27, 2003
    Hello everyone :D

    Luton_Plunder This was really good, JediNemesis - I (like everyone else it seems) loved the setting and really enjoyed reading about the ancient jedi/sith stuff. I'm something of a n00b when it comes to that side of Star Wars lore, so this was all very eye-opening. Everyone starts off a newb. And besides, the ancient history of the galaxy isn't half as well documented as the post-Saga era, so with certain exceptions you can make up anything you like; glad you found it 'eye-opening', though ;) Great tone and great style! Thanks! Thanks for reading - hope I'll see you around :)

    JadeSolo I felt cold just reading this. [face_laugh] Fantastic, I must be doing something right. :p You never fail to impress, Nem. Whoa - thanks; I'm flattered. I loved this first line because it sounds like you're already in the middle of the story. Amazing what adding "So" can do to the entire tone. Yes, absolutely. I thought of the Old English poems like Beowulf, where they tend to start in the middle of the action and give you the backstory later, and begin with the bard saying "So . . ." Not to mention that image matching the despair that the OC feels. Yes; I love matching imagery to mood - I think I may do it too much. I also got a big kick out of the Sith's appearance - he came to that god-forsaken planet just to make her suffer with a few words. Nice. Glad you liked him - I'm quite fond of him myself. But yes, he's a nasty piece of work. :cool:

    Pandora26 This story is so creepy, and cold, yet with emotion and pain moving right below the surface. The winter planet is the perfect setting, to show such absolute cold, such absolute isolation and numbed despair. Thank you. I thought of it as maybe unconscious on her part, wanting to go somewhere that reflects how she feels. This is certainly a way of having the landscape and character match up, with each reflecting the other. And each is the main character of the story, as the title shows. Yes. The planet of Sheyari is certainly as much a star of the story as either of the characters. I like the opening, because it has such a matter of fact tone that reminds me almost of folklore in a way. The Jedi lore of those who are lost. The fact that so much is left for the reader to figure out. It reminded me while I was writing it of old, old sagas - the sort that everyone at the time knew by heart, but looking at them now we have to fill in the details for ourselves. And that Sith... All he needed was a few, well-chosen words. I think this is a good example of how the truth (and I do believe what the Sith says, for why should he lie?) can be a more brutal weapon that any lie. Indeed. He has no reason to lie when the truth is so wonderfully fitted to his needs. I like to think that not all the Sith were simply powerful thugs, and that some of them at least were clever enough to realise that they can use the Jedi ideals of truth, justice, mercy et al. against them. The ending is so ominous and bleak, mostly because of the ambiguity. It looks like the main character has finally gone into the sea, but we don't really know that. We just wonder, and that is much scarier. I hoped so. Long shot of the sea, looking out over the lip of the floe . . . fade to black.

    Nienna_Narmolanya Wow! *pulls warm blanket tighter* So very haunting! Tragic and beautiful. I loved this! You painted such a vivid picture with your words. Thank you! It seems that everyone got quite a detailed picture of the setting, which is great. I could feel the woman's despair (and I truly mean that), even though we never learned the whole story behind her brother's death. Whoa . . . thanks. [face_blush] It's wonderful that so much emotion came through. And it proves, I think, that acres of backstory aren't always necessary. Thanks for reading [:D]

    Thanks again, everyone.

    Nem :D

    Beautifully and powerfully written, JediNemesis!
     
  13. Jade_Skywalker

    Jade_Skywalker Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 16, 2000
    Okay, that was interesting. Now you've got me wondering about backrounds. You told a little but not enough to satisfy my curiosity. It was very well written though. I love how you just paint a picture before our eyes. Well done! :D
     
  14. NYCitygurl

    NYCitygurl Manager Emeritus star 9 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Jul 20, 2002
    Wow. This is fascinating!! It's a little creepy, but absolutely and beautifully written. I really, really love it. You did such a good job creating the character and the world, and shaped this into a truely beautiful vignette. Wonderful!!
     
  15. the_wandering_shadow

    the_wandering_shadow Jedi Knight star 3

    Registered:
    May 16, 2005
    I read this a couple of weeks back. I am so bad at replying sometimes. Oh well, at least I did get to it.

    Firstly, I believe the author might need some anti-depressants :p

    But seriously, great job as usually. Very cool. Grim and of course icy...
     
  16. Healer_Leona

    Healer_Leona Community Squirrel Whisperer star 9 Staff Member Manager

    Registered:
    Jul 7, 2000
    Wow, that was just stunning in the emotions it showed.

    I could so feel all her desperation, her thoughts of simply ending her life after the desolation she sought wasn't quite enough. I wonder if the Dark Lord knew he brought her the last straw that would make her take that step?

    Brilliant Nem. =D= =D=
     
  17. JediNemesis

    JediNemesis Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Mar 27, 2003
    Hi guys; sorry for the delay. :)

    Jade_Skywalker Okay, that was interesting. Now you've got me wondering about backrounds. You told a little but not enough to satisfy my curiosity. If it works, great :p I didn't consciously set out to be obscure; it was just that there didn't seem to be anywhere where detailed backstory needed to go. It was very well written though. I love how you just paint a picture before our eyes. Well done! :D Thanks for reading and I'm glad you enjoyed it [:D]

    NYCitygurl Wow. This is fascinating!! It's a little creepy, but absolutely and beautifully written. I really, really love it. Thanks [face_blush] Creepy is looking increasingly like a stock-in-trade for me . . . You did such a good job creating the character and the world, and shaped this into a truely beautiful vignette. Wonderful!! I'm glad that the characters and the world came to life; and thanks so much for 'truly beautiful'. :D

    TWS Good to see you, t-wiz. Firstly, I believe the author might need some anti-depressants. Me? Make a sentence from the following words: kettle, pot, black, calling :p But seriously, great job as usually. Very cool. Grim and of course icy... Thanks. I'm flattered by 'as usually' . . .

    Healer_Leona Wow, that was just stunning in the emotions it showed. Hey thanks :) I could so feel all her desperation, her thoughts of simply ending her life after the desolation she sought wasn't quite enough. I wonder if the Dark Lord knew he brought her the last straw that would make her take that step? That's a decision you'll have to make yourself. Personally I'd say he's certainly clever enough to guess that it might work - and more than cruel enough to try it. Brilliant Nem. Thanks so much :D

    Thanks everyone who read!

    Nem [:D]


     
  18. JediNemesis

    JediNemesis Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Mar 27, 2003
    Hello again everyone :)

    Firstly, thanks and many many hugs [:D] to the mods for granting this story the honour of Story of the Month for November! It's most welcome :D

    Secondly, I've decided to finally upload some of the cover art that I've been doing for months now, among which is the prospective cover for Ice. It's been edited into the first post - please feel free to have a look :)

    Nem :D
     
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