Before - Legends In Silent Moments (Obi-Wan, Xanatos, Qui-Gon, OC's) Obi-Wan's Journal ~~Updated 1/13~~

Title: In Silent Moments
Author: Jinngerbread
Characters: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Xanatos deCrion, Qui-Gon Jinn
Genre: Drama
Summary: Fifteen-year-old Obi-Wan Kenobi is in mourning. His first Master, Xanatos deCrion is dead. In meditation he has flashes of memories that appear to belong to him, on first glance. But is all really as it seems, or are these silent moments the tip of something darker?
Author Notes: I have been anxious for the Diary Challenge, perhaps a bit too anxious. Anyway since this is being posted before the challenge officially begins, this won't count as my entry, but the bunny refused to go away. So I let it run wild in my house and an explosion sort of resulted. I've never done an Obi-Wan story before, so I hope I do a decent job of portraying him. As always, all feedback is welcome. Constructive criticism can be dropped in my PM box, or e-mail which is listed in my profile. Thanks! I have enough written to do weekly updates, so enjoy!

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[b]Entry One[/b]

I'm supposed to be writing this to help myself recover. I don't see the point much, how writing can help. It's not as if writing it down changes anything. It can't bring people back from the dead, nor can it undo the things that have happened in the past. But supposedly it provides comfort.

Master Xanatos deCrion is dead.

It feels more real seeing it written.

It's hard to put into words what I'm feeling like the Healers want me to do. I just am having trouble accepting it. I still expect him to walk through the door and reassure me that things are fine, that he was just held up and delayed.

Even if I know it's impossible.

Healer Han'yaie told me his wounds were too extensive and mine almost were. I don't really care about my own. Why didn't he make it? I thought we would both make it out together! He promised things would be all right!

He was just telling me what I needed to hear so that I could survive.

Problem is, how can I go on like this?

I don't even know if I can.

We're not supposed to miss people who die. We're supposed to be happy about it and rejoice with those who go into the Force.

Rejoice. Yep, right here. Can't you see I'm smiling? Oh wait, it's on the inside, maybe that's why you can't see it, or maybe it's cause it's not there at all, nor will it ever be.

Master deCrion always said that Master Yoda was more ancient than anything and had lived so long it was no wonder he was able to completely detach himself from feeling anything when somebody died except happiness. Most beings reaction to death is not happiness or rejoicing, so he said.

He knew from experience, he told me. He lost his wife before he came back to the Order and so he said that whenever he died he wouldn't expect me to be happy about it. I don't even remember why we had the conversation in the first place, I only remember us having it. I think he didn't expect it to be this soon though.

I know I sure wasn't.

There's a huge gaping hole where he should be. A void.

Healer Han'yaie says it's time for bacta; now there's something to really rejoice over, being suspended in blue liquid and tasting the stuff on my breath later. At least I get to sleep through it.

I hope I don't dream.

~*~

 

Really well done. I liked how he was bitter with the idea that Xan had lied to him in order to keep him going plus Yoda's not-so-good advice. Glad to see you spreading out!

 

Oh, wow - PM list PLEASE!

 

What dreams may come ...

Please include me on the pm list!!

 

Okay, you know I want to be on the PM list for this one.

 

aww this is really good and I can even ignore the AU (which I tend to only like really well done AU). Good job. Add me to the pm list please!

 

Oh poor Obi!

I hope in the days to come he will allow himself to be comforted and move on.

Please PM me when you update

Looking forward to more

 

Excellent beginning, straight into the angst for my favourite Jedi.
It is so nice to have Xanatos as a Jedi even though he's dead already.

May I be added to your PM list please.

 

Dianethx Yeah, with all that going on, I thought he would be quite a bit bitter after what happened. Thanks for reading! I'm working hard to branch out.

Valairy_Scot No problem! Thanks for reading!

ratna Absolutely! And you know, that's a better title than mine. Thanks for reading!

VaderLVR64 Sure thing! Thanks for reading!

JediKaren Thanks! I'm glad you like it, and I'll try to make sure that this is one of the really well done types. Thanks for reading!

Kelia Yeah he's going through a rough bit right now. Thanks for reading!

Gkilkenny I thought diving straight into the angst barrel would be attractive. Thanks for reading!

PM List

Gkilkenny
JediKaren
Kelia
ranta
VaderLVR64
Valairy_Scot

If I have left you off the list, and you want to be added, let me know! I think I got everybody but I could have overlooked one.

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[b]Entry Two [/b]

It's the little things that count.

Just a couple of months ago, I got really sick with the Rhumian Fever and I was half delirious with my illness. Even as I was drifting in and out of consciousness, I still could feel him holding my hand. I knew he was there and that made me feel better, even sick as I was. There really is something comforting about having someone you care about stay there with you in difficult times. I have friends but they aren't quite the same.

I didn't know it'd be the last time he'd sit at my bedside when I was sick. If I had known though I would have told him how much I appreciated him doing it for me.

When I woke up, I expected to see Master Xanatos standing next to the tank, like he always has when I'm hurt. But he wasn't there. Just another way things are beginning to coalesce into the fact that this is my reality now and not just some horrible waking nightmare. Really to be honest, anybody would have been a welcome sight but only the medical droid was there this time to clean the tank and help me out. Droids make life easier but that doesn't mean I want them around me when I'm hurting. I'd rather have a human touch, or at least something organic.

Anything beats a cold, unfeeling machine.

I don't like this empty feeling. I can't really bring myself to care much about anything at the moment. Around me, life goes on.

People go on about their day without thinking about the fact that a great man is dead.

How can they?

I really don't know.

Master Han'yaie just came in and told me he wants me to try and eat some broth. Normally I would protest about the fact that that's all I was getting. But I couldn't really even bring myself to care.

~*~

[b](Later, same day) [/b]

Well the broth didn't go over so well.

I'm really sore now after all that heaving. They gave me some anti-nausea medication now and want me to try eating again in a couple of hours after I've rested. Except I really don't want to try it after what happened. It was really uncomfortable and I'm not in a hurry to go through it again.

I want to rest but at the same time not.

I hate this feeling.

I'm going to try and sleep and hope for the best.

 

Poor Obi-Wan! Loving this story!

 

Poor Obi - he's not well and he needs - and a - I'll gladly contribute both.

How awful to feel so bad (mentally AND physically) and need the one person who will never be there again.

 

Ok, so I am consumed with curiosity about this AU Xan that you have created, but is deceased from the very first page.

Obi's memories ARE going to give us glimpses of him, right? Right?

So glad you are planning to update weekly!!

 

I'm going to try and sleep and hope for the best.

Well sleep always helps me to see things more clearly and sometimes even feel better.

Poor Obi. I wish there were someone to help him grieve.

Great update

 

Such a sad reality for Obi-Wan. To be lost and alone without his beloved Master.

He seems to be a person who doesn't like to be alone.

Thanks for the PM

 

awwwww!

 

poor Obi so sad at the moment, but I hope he will find a new Master. He will be love and everything will be okay.

Please PM me when you update

 

[/color
Whoa Hooo that was awesome where's the rest of it. Poor Obi-wan I wouldn't want to eat soup if was sick.

 

VaderLVR64 Yeah things aren't really very good for him right now. Thanks for reading!

Valairy_Scot No, he's not doing too well and a few hugs wouldn't be a bad thing, I don't think. Thanks for reading!

ratna I can't say what his memories are going to be about or it would spoil my whole plot. Thanks for reading!

Kelia I think a lot of people wish that. Thanks for reading!

Gkilkenny Well after such a huge loss, who would want to? Thanks for reading!

JediKaren Thanks for reading!

littleobiwankenobi Well, you'll just have to wait and see! I'll be happy to PM you, thanks for reading!

Yodasbadgirl1 Soup is wonderful when you're sick, all sorts of healing properties. Thanks for reading!

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[b]
Entry Three[/b]

I have a bad feeling about this.

You ever have one of those days where you're just sitting and you know something is wrong, but you can't quite figure out what? It seems like it should be obvious since my Master is dead, but there's something even bigger nagging at me. That's how I feel right now.

Something is wrong and I don't know what.

Last night I had the strangest dream.

I was hooked up to a monitor, in a white outfit medical ward robe, all sorts of electrodes and things were in me. It was a sterile white room, like some sort of Healer's Ward room, but it didn't look like the Healers Ward to me, if that makes any sense. And staring down at me with a worried look on his face, was a Master I've only had limited acquaintances with.

Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn.

Why would we be together in a dream in this weird place? Was it a vision? I don't really understand. Healer Han'yaie says it could be just a side effect of all the medication. But I don't usually have dreams that affect me like this. Most of the time I can brush them off. Master Xanatos always said that dreams eventually passed.

But what if these don't?

This almost gives me hope that maybe Master Xanatos isn't really dead after all. Maybe I'm just grasping at straws that don't really exist to fill the void. Time and the Force will tell, I guess.

Master Han'yaie wants me to try and eat again today. I did better after that second broth, since it stayed down and actually find myself being somewhat hungry. That's a definite improvement from yesterday.

I think I'm actually looking forward to it?

I'm not sure yet.

We will see.

[b](Later)[/b]


Healer Han'yaie suggested I meditate on what to write. I like those suggestions. It's been so long since I've meditated. I really need the peace from the Force now more than ever.

I think I'll stop writing and try and do that now.

 

He's dreaming of a worried Qui-Gon? Hmm, methinks fate or the Force will bring them together (I wonder if Qui-Gon was Xan's master in this AU - did you address that?)

However, he's dreaming of being hooked up to monitors with a worried Qui-Gon looking at him - NOT GOOD!

It sounds like Obi-Wan is starting to feel a bit better, but it'll take a while.

 

I hope he gets over his master dying, it doesn't seem like it if he is attached to monitors in his dreams.

I'm liking this.

 

This is getting VERY interesting. I shall restrain my overabundant impulse to guess, and just meditate quietly in hopes that all will become clear with time ....

 

mm short chapter, and my second favorite Jedi is mentioned "Qui-Gon". Can´t wait for more.

 

awww. Do keep writing!

 

Very mysterious! I'm intrigued.

Can't wait for the next update.

 

Hmmmmm....I hate it when Obi dreams he's in the healer's ward, mainly because that is usually where he ends up after said dream.

But having a worried Qui stand over him...now that's interesting. I can't wait to see if his meditations tell him any more.

Great update