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Lit Join Me and Achieve Perfection: A Reread of The Glove of Darth Vader

Discussion in 'Literature' started by instantdeath, Apr 18, 2013.

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  1. instantdeath

    instantdeath Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Jul 22, 2010
    We all knew this day was coming. It was inevitable. I could only contain it for so long. It is not enough that the taint of Trioculus invade every thread. It is not enough to sneak a Glove of Darth Vader joke into every post. No. True perfection shall only be attained once it has been given its own ongoing thread.

    Inspired by the recurring inability to sleep, and a general desire to reread the series, I have decided to host a reread. The goal of this project is simple: to discuss, analyze, celebrate and, assuming you're a soulless husk that hates creativity, critique the Jedi Prince series. For now, I'll just commit to doing the first book in the series, but if I'm not the only one who enjoys it, I'll gladly be up for doing the whole series. Could be that the people aren't quite ready for Trioculus. We'll just have to find out.

    I will be doing this in the style of the Tor Reread program. The format is simple; I will post a summary, complete with quotes in necessary places, and then offer commentary. I will continue in this fashion, allowing discussion between the chapters. I'd be thrilled if you read along, and I welcome other people to offer their own commentaries, but I'll be posting fairly detailed summaries. If you've always wanted to read the Jedi Prince series, but have never been able to work up the courage, this is your chance. Trust me folks, some of the content of this series simply must be public knowledge.

    But why Jedi Prince? If you have to ask that question, you're in the wrong place. But stay anyway. We don't judge others here, by their convictions and beliefs, the color of their skin, or even the number of eyes they have. Sure, it's no secret that having a third eye is a genetic advantage, but the important thing here is that you have a third eye in spirit.

    Can one be a murderer, a liar, an inhuman monster, yet still have a living, beating heart? I can't pretend that I know the answer to that question. No one can. But the answer is not what's important. It's how we arrive at that answer. Join me, and together, we can attempt to solve this puzzle. I cannot promise that you'll find the answers that you're looking for on this reread. I can only promise that you'll learn from the experience, and be a better person for it.

    Let's get this show on the road, shall we? I don't have a set timetable yet. I'm thinking maybe around 3 chapters a week? My only fear is that's too slow, to the point where the thread will just die out in the days in between. I suppose we'll see. It will depend on a lot of things, most notably how busy I am. For now, I'll do the first chapter, and probably follow up with the second sometime tomorrow.

    So sit back, relax, grab a nice, cold glass of zoochberry juice, and away we go.
  2. instantdeath

    instantdeath Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Jul 22, 2010
    I'm going to try not to get too quote-happy on this, but it's hard. Oh so hard. This is a work where it's very difficult to do the text justice without using the text itself, so expect to see lots of them. I'll just try my best not to make it all quotes.

    The Adventure Continues...

    It was an era of darkness, a time when the evil Empire ruled the galaxy. Fear and terror spread across every planet and moon.

    Emperor Palpatine, the Imperial dictator, reigned, aided by his second-in-command, Darth Vader. Together they tried to crush all who resisted them-but still the Rebel Alliance survived.

    The Rebel Alliance was formed by heroic men, women, and aliens, united against the Empire in their valiant fight to restore freedom and justice to the galaxy.

    Luke Skywalker joined the Rebels after his uncle purchased a pair of droids known as See-Threepio (C-3P0) and Artoo-Detoo (R2-D2). The droids were on a mission to save the beautiful Princess Leia. Leia was a Rebel Alliance leader who was being held captive by
    the Empire, and was caught in the clutches of the evil Darth Vader.

    In his quest to save Princess Leia, Luke was assisted by Han Solo, the dashing pilot of the spaceship Millennium Falcon, and Han’s copilot, Chewbacca, a hairy alien known as a Wookiee.

    Han and Luke eventually succeeded in rescuing the Rebel princess, but their struggle against the Empire did not end there. Luke and his ragtag group of Rebel freedom fighters battled armor-clad stormtroopers, and mile-long star destroyers, and faced the Empire’s mightiest weapon of all-the Imperial Death Star. The Death Star was a battle station as big as a moon, with the power to destroy an entire planet. It was exploded by the Rebels in a deadly mission. The Empire soon built a second Death Star though, this one even larger and more powerful than the first.

    In the course of his adventures Luke sought out the wise old hermit, Obi-Wan Kenobi, who became Luke’s first teacher in the ways of the Jedi Knights.

    The Jedi Knights, an ancient society of brave and noble warriors, were the protectors of the Old Republic in days before the Empire was formed. The Jedi believed that victory comes not just from physical strength but from a mysterious power called the Force.

    The Force lies hidden deep within all things. It has two sides: one side that can be used for good, the other side a power of absolute evil.

    In training to become a Jedi Knight, Obi-Wan Kenobi sent Luke to study under a great Jedi Master, Yoda. From Yoda, Luke discovered some startling truths about himself-Princess Leia was actually his twin sister and his father was none other than Darth Vader. Luke learned that Darth Vader had once been a Jedi Knight, but Vader was lured to the ways of the Dark Side by Emperor Palpatine and then became obsessed with power and consumed with hatred.

    The Jedi Masters realized that it was Luke’s destiny to battle his own father, or else the Dark Side would triumph. There were two confrontations between father and son, both of them duels fought with blazing lightsabers.

    Before Darth Vader’s death, Luke helped his father come to the understanding that Emperor Palpatine had turned him against everyone and everything he had ever loved. Darth Vader then destroyed the Emperor, hurling him down into the power core of the Death Star. Then the Death Star itself was destroyed, exploded in a Rebel attack.

    With the Empire’s evil leaders gone and their battle station destroyed, a new era has begun. Imperial warlords have been fighting for power among themselves, but no one knows who will seize control. However, the Prophets of the Dark Side have foretold that a new Emperor will soon arise, and on his hand he shall wear an indestructible symbol of evil-the glove of Darth Vader!

    Ladies and gentlemen, we have our opening crawl! An incredibly long and perhaps overly detailed opening crawl, but it does certainly set a tone. And by "set a tone", I mean it establishes from the very beginning that the Davids wrote this series for kids who may have never even seen the movies and, after reading these books, probably never went near them. Whether this even does an effective job of summarizing the movies is certainly debatable- personally, I think it borders on information overload- but there's so much greatness ahead that I feel the best decision is simply to move on. Just lay back and think of England.

    Just to be annoying, I will be including all sound effects. That's right. All of them. It's simply not right for me to be the only one who enjoys them.

    Chapter 1: Droids on a Mission


    Our epic begins in the humblest of settings: a Droid Repair shop on Yavin IV. Apparently, the New Republic is seriously hurting in the espionage department, as Threepio is prepared for a spying mission to Kessel. Naturally, Threepio is not amused, as Luke selects an "evil looking" face to replace Threepio's normal head for a disguise.


    We are now joined by R2, similarly pimped out in Kessel national colors, a "dark green", because every droid on the planet is painted in the same color or something

    "Dweeeet bchooo tzniiiiiiiit!" beeped Artoo-Detoo, turning his new dome left and right so that Luke and Threepio would notice.

    Luke compliments the droids excellent disguises, and proceeds to visit "the New Senate", as Luke describes it. Hear, we are introduced to the ever important SPIN, the Illuminati of the GFFA

    Luke walked toward the door quickly, thinking to himself how fortunate the Alliance was to have a distinguished and brilliant woman like Mon Mothma as its leader.

    "When Mon Mothma explained our strategy for the battle against the Death Star, you were on time to hear her then-and this is no time to be late, either, Threepio. Especially since all of the key members of SPIN will be there."

    SPIN was short for the Senate’s Planetary Intelligence Network, a secret organization within the Alliance’s new galactic government.


    We then learn that the entire New Republic is run solely by a former smuggler, a compulsive gambler, a walking carpet, a Princess of a dead planet, Mon Mothma, and Ackbar, the "sad-eyed fishman and war hero from the watery world of Calamari" (has there ever been a more apt description of Ackbar?).

    Han proceeds to helpfully inform us that the movies did, indeed, happen.

    "Well, kid," Han said to Luke, "you sure did a great job on these droids. If I didn’t know what was going on, I’d swear I was on Kessel."

    "Thanks, Han. Coming from you, that really means a lot," Luke said to his friend.

    "Kessel is a planet that all experienced cargo pilots try to avoid," said Han. "Especially me. But a few times, when there was a fortune to be made from transporting spice, I flew the trip from Kessel anyway, against my better judgment. In fact, I’ve made the Kessel Run in the Millennium Falcon in less than twelve standard timeparts."

    "You told me that the day I first met you, back in the cantina at the Mos Eisley spaceport on Tatooine," said Luke. "Remember? When I showed up with Obi-Wan Kenobi and-"

    Mon Mothma cuts them off, on the basis that the absolute dictators of the free galaxy have stuff to do. In her words, "thousands of grand moffs, evil warlords, and stormtroopers" will be showing up for a big meeting in the capital city of Kessel, and only the unarmed protocol and astromech droids have any hope of successfully infiltrating it.

    Mon Mothma is kind enough to quickly introduce us to another plot point of the series: the Prophets of the Dark Side, and their mysterious leader Kadann. He's also got a thing for poetry, as the recording she plays demonstrates.

    After Palpatine’s fiery death

    Another leader soon comes to command the Empire

    And on his right hand he does wear

    The glove of Darth Vader!

    A menacing silence fell over the briefing room.

    "Ptooog bziiiini?" beeped Artoo, as his new dome rotated back and forth.

    "He wants to know how the right-hand glove of Darth Vader can still exist," said Threepio.

    "Unlike the left-hand glove, the right glove was made to be indestructible," Mon Mothma replied. "A symbol of evil that would survive forever. After Luke cut off Darth Vader’s right hand in their lightsaber duel, the glove was believed to have been hurled out into space when the Death Star exploded.

    Mon Mothma proceeds to detail the droids entry points, a giant meteor that is actually an escape pod as helpfully designed by Ackbar and his fellow Calamarians (you may want to get used to Ackbar being portrayed as a glorified errand boy). This meteor/escape pod will be launched by Han Solo and Lando Calrissian from the Falcon.

    Threepio has doubts about the mission, but Luke and Leia remind him of all the times in the movies that they helped out. The meeting concludes, and Mon Mothma wishes everyone a good night. Dictators need their rest too.

    Now that we've covered the grand scale galactic politics, it's clearly time to showcase smaller, more intimate scenes, this one between Han and Leia.

    Under the starlit sky of Yavin Four, Han Solo walked Princess Leia to her quarters.

    "Your highness," said Han. "After Chewie and I drop off the droids in the meteor pod on Kessel and take Lando back to Cloud City . . . well, I don’t know exactly how to put this
    . . . I’m not planning on coming back for a while."

    "But, Han," Princess Leia protested, "you know how important you are to SPIN."

    "Maybe so, but Lando’s offered me a lease on a piece of sky near Cloud City. I’ve always dreamed of having a place of my own, and I figure it’s about time Chewie and I built my dream sky house."

    "Can’t you put it off until we know what’s going on with the new Emperor?" asked Leia.

    "Princess, there’s always something important that seems to come up before I can take care of my own dreams. Time is running out. And a man’s got to do what he’s got to do."

    "If that’s the way you want it, Han," Leia said, not quite understanding him. She turned away.

    "I’m going to miss you, Princess," said Han, taking her hand. "May the Force be with you."

    That's right, my friends. Chapter 1 ends with a foreshadowing of the mother ******* SKY HOUSE!


    Yeah, my original intention was to keep the summary relatively free of any type of judgment or derisive tone, but that's very difficult for a work like this, and frankly much less fun. All that I really need to say about this chapter is that, one chapter in, you know you're in for a ride.

    One recurring element that the Davids waste no time in establishing is that it's a small, small galaxy out there. I can't recall for sure, but I don't believe a planet is ever visited or mentioned that wasn't visited or mentioned in the films. As far as the Davids are concerned, the galaxy consists of roughly a dozen planets. Plus, in this chapter alone, the events of the films are referenced at least eight times. Han's still very proud of that Kessel run, I suppose.

    But of course, that stuff has nothing on SPIN. I still find the very concept of SPIN hilarious. It's quite unambiguously portrayed as the full working Senate of the New Republic, and it's run exclusively by characters from the films. For all I know Chewie is really good at that stuff, but considering they wouldn't even give him a medal, I have a hard time believing they'd make him joint dictator.

    This chapter is mostly introduction, but let it never be said the Davids don't know how to make the reader beg for more. Han's getting a SKY HOUSE. By leasing a piece of the sky. Screw the rest of this book, I want to know how that **** is gonna go down.

    And that will get the ball rolling. Let me know what you think. Hope it's enjoyed so i
  3. Zorkel567

    Zorkel567 Jedi Master star 4

    Jan 20, 2010
    Oh, this could be great fun.
    SithStarSlayer likes this.
  4. Barriss_Coffee

    Barriss_Coffee Chosen One star 6

    Jun 29, 2003
    I was going to complain that I don't have my books with me ATM and I can't read along with you in your book (DAMMIT DISNEY!). But it appears I won't need them after all. Clever scheme you've cooked up here.

    So re: what Zorkel567 said.:p

    EDIT: OMG either the Davids were precognitive or Obi-Wan read this book!

    SithStarSlayer likes this.
  5. RC-1991

    RC-1991 Jedi Master star 4

    Dec 2, 2009
    You have to make sure to post appropriate illustrations from the books. No discussion of GODV is complete without the illustrations.

    You might say that they are the third eye of any discussion, in fact... [face_whistling]
  6. darthcaedus1138

    darthcaedus1138 Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Oct 13, 2007
    NO! Silence you fool! I shall have no eye puns while I sit the Imperial Throne!!!


  7. Dr. Steve Brule

    Dr. Steve Brule Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Sep 7, 2012
    I've always thought that SPIN could be the basis of some interesting backstory. I forgot that there was an existing "Rebel Senate" at this time, but SPIN is still basically a military dictatorship. My thought was always that the Senate part of SPIN referenced the Imperial Senate, and that it was originally founded as an Imperial Senate intelligence committee whose members defected, and could therefore (through some legal context) justify itself as being the official continuation government (due to it being the last vestige remaining of the old senate) during the transition to the New Republic. At the same time, its original mandate could allow it to keep functioning as an intelligence agency.

    That all just adds to my view that for all its ridiculousness, GODV has a lot of potential for some good stories that can be mined from the dross. The Imperial Grand Admirals article by Dan Wallace and Abel Pena alone basically retconned the entire series into something much more interesting, and that was only one part of a relatively short article.
    SithStarSlayer and Starkeiller like this.
  8. instantdeath

    instantdeath Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Jul 22, 2010
    I'd actually be very grateful if someone could help me out on that front. I'm afraid I don't have physical copies of the book, so I sacrifice those beautiful pictures.

    I'd agree that a surprising amount of interesting things have come out of the series. More for this series than perhaps any other, I like to use the "unreliable historical source" method of approaching Star Wars canon: the events in the novels happened, more or less, but the way that they happened is quite different. So maybe Han did indeed buy a Sky House, but he's not constantly waxing about how it's been his lifelong dream, and he didn't begin to worship his maid droid Kate.

    Of course, for this rereads purposes, it's all taken at face value.
    SithStarSlayer likes this.
  9. AdmiralWesJanson

    AdmiralWesJanson Jedi Grand Master star 5

    May 23, 2005
    I find the best way to reconcile the GoDV is by treating it's actual existence as the format for it's in-universe existence. It's a children's story about real events, but altered to fit the format. Probably told in the time of peace between the Callista Trilogy and BFC. The focus on Whaladons in universe would work as well, as Mon Cal got hit hard by the Reborn Emperor and then later less hard by Daala, so Whaladon conservation would still be in the publics mind. Darksaber also happened fairly recently, involving hutts and Luke's OT planet tour with Callista, so those items would come up in a family story. And the Crystal Star/Reborn conspiracy would tie in with Ken and the Prophets of the Dark Side.

    Actually, with the sound effects, we can probably pin this down even further- GoDV is a story about real events, told to the Solo Twins and Anakin by Threepio sometime between the Reborn Crisis and Black Fleet Crisis.
  10. Lugija

    Lugija Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Oct 3, 2009
    When you hear this sound *Blilink* turn the page.

    Great, now I'll finally learn how exactly the Glove was found. I assume there will be angels, choirs and light from the skies.

    Oh, sorry, I forgot something. I meant dark angels, dark choirs and dark light from the skies.
  11. Zorrixor

    Zorrixor Force Ghost star 6

    Sep 8, 2004
    Dark Greetings, instantdeath et al!

    Love the idea of this thread... even an illiterate, farcical, hyperbolic text can still have a living, beating story worthy of sound literary discussion. Triolocus would be pleased.
    It sounds like you just can't handle the awesomeness of GODV and are looking for ways to deny the literal truth of its events!

    Such a shame that some of you cannot get behind the truth and righteousness of the story that brought us the sky house. That by itself makes every word gospel that should not be challenged. [face_shame_on_you]
  12. instantdeath

    instantdeath Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Jul 22, 2010
    Alright, this is a little soon, but since this is only just starting, and I won't have much access to my computer today and will likely not be able to do another chapter until Monday, I hope I can be forgiven for doing two in two days.

    Let me know how I'm doing on the summaries. The idea is to provide enough information and quotes to be able to follow the story, but not to be so overly detailed that you may as well just pick up the books instead (though you should do that). The goal here is to enlighten and educate, but not to overload. This is my first time doing something like this, so obviously I'm not expert at finding the right balance. Also, please let me know if you feel I am using too many quotes.

    Chapter 2: Lightning Power of the Dark Side


    We begin the chapter following the Millennium Falcon, where Han and Chewie fly directly into a "huge electrical storm in Kessel's outer atmosphere", because "black lightning clouds are an unsuspecting place to eject a meteor pod".

    ZWEEEEEEK! The pod is launched.

    The Davids make an incredibly half hearted attempt at describing the physics of it all, and describes the pod landing and "rolling into a few Kessellian trees", but fortunately our heroes escape unscathed. Threepio points out that their escape pod looks like a rock, and will therefore be perfectly safe hiding among other Kessellian rocks. Artoo enthusiastically agrees.

    The droids make their way to Kessendra Station through an underground tunnel, getting into some minor shenanigans on the way (silly Artoo initially projects the map upside down). Along the way, we're given some background information on Kessel, and shown that even Threepio remembers the films.

    Threepio continued talking without pause, since droids never have to stop to catch their breath the way organic creatures do. "It’s positively horrifying. Half the Imperial officers in the galaxy are gathered together, practically right above our heads, and goodness knows what evil plans they’re making."

    Kessendra Stadium was the frequent site of gladiator games in which slaves fought to the death, while sportsmen from throughout the galaxy placed bets. Today, however, there would be no gladiator games.

    "Droot boopa zinnn," beeped Artoo.

    "I quite agree with you," replied Threepio, nodding his head. "I’d have thought they’d given up the war, too, when their second Death Star blew up, and when Emperor Palpatine and Darth Vader died, and-Oh no!"

    There's no need for alarm, of course; silly Threepio simply walked into a wall. He'll have to be more careful. They continue on, Artoo apparently voicing a fear of Kessel being inhabited by droid eating monsters. Eventually, they resurface to find themselves in the stands of a giant arena, among "green humanoid droids with menacing heads". It's no longer fun and games for our droid friends. All too suddenly, they find themselves swept up in the majesty of an Imperial gathering.

    The crowd became quiet as a grand moff, one of the Empire’s regional governors, began to speak. The beady-eyed grand moff was bald and his teeth had been filed into sharp, spearlike points.

    "I am Grand Moff Hissa," he announced, just as Artoo figured out who he was. "And to my fellow grand moffs, and to the grand admirals, other officers, stormtroopers, bounty hunters, slavelords, and slaves, I bid you all Dark Greetings!

    "We have gathered here today to mark a new beginning," he continued, puffing out his chest proudly to display his brown uniform. "The destruction of our latest Death Star was but a temporary setback. The Rebels have yet to see the full fury of our power and our might. We are developing even more advanced weapons, and when we are done, we shall rule the entire galaxy and crush the Rebel Alliance."

    As he listened, Threepio whispered to Artoo. "Oh, dear, I certainly don’t like the sound of this. No, I don’t like the sound of this at all."

    "The Central Committee of Grand Moffs has summoned you all here for this meeting to announce our new leader," said Grand Moff Hissa in a bellowing voice. "Even though Emperor Palpatine is dead, his line continues. For many years you have heard rumors that the Emperor had a son. But our departed Emperor and the Central Committee of Grand Moffs always denied those rumors, for reasons of Imperial security. However, today I am authorized to inform you that the Emperor did indeed have a son-a son who shall be our new chosen one!"

    The stadium was filled with gasps of shock and surprise at this revelation.

    "The Emperor’s son has lived among you on Kessel for many years now, keeping his true identity a carefully guarded secret," Grand Moff Hissa continued. "And now at last the time has come for the Emperor’s son to take his rightful place as heir to the Empire."

    "Who is the Emperor’s son?" shouted a grand admiral.

    There was a suspenseful moment of silence.

    Then a huge, black door suddenly opened, and a tall mutant dressed in black came out to face the gathering.

    "Friends of the Empire," Grand Moff Hissa announced, "I present to you the son of Emperor Palpatine-Trioculus, the Supreme Slavelord of Kessel!"

    But instead of cheering, a frightened hush crept through the crowd at the sight of the new ruler. Trioculus was known to be a ruthless and merciless slavelord, one who had sent many slaves to their deaths.

    Threepio could see that Trioculus looked powerful and threatening. But he was surprised that he wasn’t ugly like Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine had been. In fact, Trioculus was almost handsome. Except for one thing --

    Two of Trioculus’s eyes were right where Threepio expected them to be, on either side of his nose. However, it was Trioculus’s third eye, right in the middle of his forehead, that made him look rather unusual.

    Threepio bent down to talk quietly to Artoo. "A mutant-part human, part alien," he said. "Quite surprising. I’ve certainly never heard any gossip that Emperor Palpatine had a son by a three-eyed alien woman. Have you?"

    Artoo wastes no time in telling us all he knows of Trioculus. For years, it had been rumored that Palpatine had a three eyed son on Kessel.

    Trioculus had a reputation for being among the most evil and cruel of the Kessel slavelords, personality traits that developed when Trioculus was just a child.

    As the only mutant in his school on Kessel, he was teased and hit constantly by the other students who made fun of his third eye. Trioculus became obsessed with fighting back and taking revenge. He became the schoolyard bully, and he learned how to make his classmates fear him, by spying on them and reporting those who didn’t follow the rules.

    As Trioculus grew older, he studied the history of warfare and Imperial military tactics. That was when he had first become devoted to gaining total control over both his enemies and his friends.

    Trioculus had few friends. But it was the quality of his allies that counted, not the quantity. Through his study of warfare he had won friends among important Imperial officers-especially the spike-toothed Grand Moff Hissa, who respected Trioculus’s total loyalty to the Imperial cause.

    A truly inspiring story, no? From tattletale to God.

    Trioculus allows a strained silence to fall and hang over the crowd. Then, after deliberation, he addresses his subjects.

    Trioculus began to speak in a cold, throaty voice. "My father, the Emperor, had many powers of the Dark Side. But without three eyes he could never achieve perfection. It was known by the ancients that a Dark Lord with three eyes has a secret strength possessed by none other. And so it is my destiny to rule over my father’s Empire and bring us the glory that he never achieved!"

    Though one would assume such logic is self explanatory, one headstrong Imperial guard objects by asking a "troublesome question". He alludes to others that have claimed to be the rightful leader of the Empire, such as Grand Admiral Grunger, who has a fleet of 30 Star Destroyers at his disposal. Trioculus is not shaken in the slightest, and promises to deal with him when the time comes.

    But this Imperial Guard is not the only one to question Trioculus today.

    Then an admiral stood to speak. "How can you claim to be the new chosen one when you do not wear Darth Vader’s glove? The Prophets of the Dark Side have said that the next Emperor shall wear-"

    "As the Emperor’s son," shouted Trioculus, "it is through my blood that I rule, not with some glove!"

    "But the Prophets of the Dark Side are powerful!" declared the member of the Imperial Royal Guard. "They foretold that the Rebels would blow up both Death Stars-and they even knew when they would be destroyed. They saw the future. Therefore they must know our destiny!"

    "Only I know the destiny of the Empire," thundered Trioculus, "and only I have the power of my father and more-including the lightning power of the Dark Side!"

    Trioculus raised his arms and bolts of lightning shot from his fingertips. The lightning crackled in two directions, striking both the member of the Imperial Royal Guard and the grand admiral who dared to question him.

    The men fell to their knees, pleading with Trioculus to stop as they quaked and thrashed on the ground, moaning, while the electricity sizzled all around them.

    At last Trioculus showed mercy on them and lowered his hands. "Now who will be the first officer to step forward and pledge his loyalty to me?" he demanded.

    As one can only imagine, the foundation of the Empire itself trembles at this display of raw anger. The most powerful men in the galaxy are suitably cowed; one by one, they step forward to swear allegiance to the great and powerful Trioculus.

    Threepio and Artoo decide that they have seen enough, and turn to leave. But as they do, they make a horrifying discovery: the entrance is guarded by stormtroopers!

    Commentary: Not a cliffhanger! Who would ever suspect that a gathering of hundreds of the most influential people of the Empire would have guarded entrances! Curse your deviousness, Trioculus!

    Right. If I was to make one simple, gut reaction to what I have just read, it's that the Empire is entirely populated by idiots. But they're just so polite; this is, of course, the first appearance of the phrase "Dark Greetings", one that shall be uttered many times throughout the series. It's unfortunate that this isn't said more in other sources. Perhaps manners died when Trioculus did.

    This chapter is just Imperial glory from beginning to end. I really wish I could have posted more of Grand Moff Hissa's dialogue, but I was going overboard with quotes as it is. Dude is the biggest kiss ass you've ever imagined. Perhaps I'm looking too deeply into it, but I'm already getting a very clear impression of "schoolyard morality" going on here. Grand Moff Hissa is a suck up, and he's bad, and even has pointy teeth. Trioculus was a big fat tattletale, and he's frying people with lightning. This is, of course, a kids book, but it's still quite amusing that the entire galaxy seems to follow such a rigid third grade code of ethics.

    But of course, it's not just Dark Greetings. This chapter is made even more legendary with the inclusion of Trioculus's speech about Palpatine. "Without three eyes, he could never attain perfection". There's plenty I could say about that, but there is no way that I can properly articulate just how perfect of a statement that really is. So I'll leave it. Just enjoy it.

    We are, of course, also introduced to Trioculus's lightning power (I'd just like to point out how hokey this chapter title is). I imagine that this is used in order to convince the reader that Trioculus just may indeed be Palpatine's son; after all, who else do we know that can shoot lightning? Later, we'll learn that it's artificial lightning. I don't even want to know how that works.

    Before the Imperial patriotism kicks in, this chapter is all droid shenanigans. This, I believe, is an attempt to emulate the films, or at least ANH and ROTJ. I have to confess, actually, that of all the characters, the Davids write Threepio the best. I mean sure, he feels somewhat off, but... not ridiculously so. I didn't quote very much of his dialogue, but much of what he says, I feel, actually sounds like something Threepio might say, particularly his referral of Artoo as a "near sighted tin can". Of course, their habit of actually writing out Artoo's dialogue is absolutely maddening.

    Though this series is very preoccupied with the films, to the point where characters will recall something from them just about every other page, the inclusion of Grand Admiral's does lead me to believe that the Davids did some research. This will come up later, actually, at the very end of the final novel, when Leia sees a vision of Jacen and Jaina. But more on that later.

    I suppose one other thing of note in this chapter is the description of Kessel. It's been a long time since I've read the JAT, but I certainly don't recall it having "Kessellian trees". Obviously this can't be "Little Kessel", the garden world that Han visited in Classic Star Wars.

    Until next time. If you want to live, don't cross Trioculus! He'll tell on you.
  13. instantdeath

    instantdeath Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Jul 22, 2010
    Also, a visual aid, should you require it.


    Imagine, Trioculus standing in the middle of such a crowd, staring directly into the heart of the Empire's power, and claiming it for himself.

    But of course, the hearts of men are prone to folly. The heart of Trioculus holds much love, but also holds anger to any who defy him.


    Thank you RC-1991 Your service to the Empire, and to Trioculus, is noted.
  14. Starkeiller

    Starkeiller Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Dec 5, 2004
    Everything actually happened, but the form they were published in is the way Leia recounted them to her kids as bedtime stories. Prophets of the Dark Side article in Polyhedron #103. Great retcon. :cool:

    "Dark light".... You know, having read some of the Jedi Prince... things, that's actually a term the Davidses might use in their prose.
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  15. AdmiralWesJanson

    AdmiralWesJanson Jedi Grand Master star 5

    May 23, 2005
    Sky House is canon. Zoochberry juice is completely made up.
    SithStarSlayer likes this.
  16. Gorefiend

    Gorefiend Chosen One star 5

    Oct 23, 2004
    Well TCW did go for that stupid idea…
    SithStarSlayer likes this.
  17. Zorrixor

    Zorrixor Force Ghost star 6

    Sep 8, 2004
    Dark Greetings once again one and all!
    Never realised "part alien" was given as the explanation for being a "mutant".

    Unless GODV is revealing the truth that all aliens are nothing more than mutants resulting in genetic mutations of the divine human genome accelerated by the Mother Machine in ancient days past! [face_skull]
    Never has a truer truth ever been uttered.

    This is why Pellaeon didn't win. He forgot the leader of the Empire must be a Gran.
    Too right he will.

    30 Star Destroyers? Pfft. I'm sure Triolocus has the magic 42. He's Emperor now, after all, and you need a good 42 Star Destroyers to rule a galaxy.
  18. JediMara77

    JediMara77 Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Mar 5, 2004
    Hahahaha. I did a reread of this series last year for Tosche Station and oh man. It was rough. I'm glad to see someone else putting themselves through the horror. ;)


    (link for those interested)
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  19. Zorrixor

    Zorrixor Force Ghost star 6

    Sep 8, 2004
    Boo... it isn't available on Kindle. I only bought one yesterday, and was tempted to make this my first purchase... oh well.

    I see, however, that GODV is available on Amazon for a princely sum of £0.01.


    That's a surefire guarantee of this historic text's quality for you, right there.
    SithStarSlayer likes this.
  20. JediMara77

    JediMara77 Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Mar 5, 2004
    I got the omnibus versions on the ebays.
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  21. Barriss_Coffee

    Barriss_Coffee Chosen One star 6

    Jun 29, 2003
    What I love about this series it's got such a reputation that before you start reading it, you know it's gonna be horrifically, hilariously bad. But it far exceeds its reputation. Even rereading it is like living the experience for the first time. It's like you've got this voice in the back of your head screaming "WHY DOES THIS EXIST? WHY???" the entire time.:p
  22. instantdeath

    instantdeath Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Jul 22, 2010
    How's the summary length working for you guys so far? Too long?

    I'm afraid that Zoochberry juice is very real. Just because you're too young to drink it doesn't mean you need to go and ruin it for the rest of us.

    And it only gets worse from here. I sincerely hope I'm able to move on past the first book :p

    I can't wait to get to the environment themes.
    SithStarSlayer likes this.
  23. AdmiralNick22

    AdmiralNick22 Fleet Admiral of Literature star 6 Staff Member Manager

    May 28, 2003
    I actually rather like that description. It does fit Ackbar rather well. However, I have never read any of these books. Does Ackbar appear and do anything else?

    --Adm. Nick
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  24. instantdeath

    instantdeath Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Jul 22, 2010
    Yes! All I'll say at this point is that he has an, erm, integral part to play in the first book :p

    Also, he's what you might call a hit at Han's Sky Housewarming party.

    I'll be sure to quote pretty much everything Ackbar says.
  25. Zorrixor

    Zorrixor Force Ghost star 6

    Sep 8, 2004
    Dark Greetings again (because one can never be bidden too many Dark Greetings),

    I admit they're possibly a bit on the longer side... but... I kinda like that, personally, as I've never read the books, so without you prompting things I'd not have anything to comment on.

    Sooo... if you keep doing all the work*, and the rest of us keep sitting here and bidding everyone Dark Greetings, that works perfectly fine with me. :p

    *Apologies if I have offended anyone by implying that reading such a divine work of art could ever be thought of as "work". ^:)^
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