Saga Journal of a free Woman (AU, Shmi Skywalker, Diary Challenge 2013) updated 5/10/2013

Pshaw - if that's dark...well, anyway. I think Shmi was finally feeling self-sufficient, independent and that offer kind of "threw her back."

 

earlybird-obi-wan That's a small part of it.

Jade_eyes and Thumper09 Between the two of you, you hit the nail squarely. Jobal will play more of a part in Shmi's diary later.

Valairy Scot I didn't mean to imply the darkness was a large part of her personality, but there is quite a bit of anger still hiding inside her that she's unaware of. This incident only showed a hint of it.

~~~

Primeday, Welona 11, afternoon
I had time to reflect on what happened this morning, and realized I have quite a bit of anger in me that I’d buried... anger towards not only the slave owners and those who trade in slaves, but towards the galaxy in general for allowing this to take place, and to those who have no idea what it is like to be a slave. It’s not a just anger. It’s hurtful, unreasoning and something I’m ashamed of.

Another part of why I reacted the way I did was pride. Even though I was a slave for most of my life, I prided myself on my self-reliance. I’ve had to make do in some really harsh circumstances, and have been fortunate in that I could help others, even if it was in a small way. Mrs. Naberrie’s gracious offer, made with no intent to insult me, bruised my ego.

I’m appalled at lashing out at her the way I did. She didn’t deserve that.

I deserved the anger Padme had when she came to visit me. I had just come to the self-realization about the anger and pride when she knocked on my door. She didn’t yell at me at first. In fact, her voice was very quiet, but hard and cold as she told me about hearing her mother talk to her father about what happened this morning. “Who the hell do you think you are? My mother taught me everything I know about helping others... about not being selfish. She is the most giving person I know, and you practically slapped her in the face with your words when she only wanted to help you.”

I couldn’t answer her. I couldn’t even look her in the eyes.

Then she raised her voice. “Answer me, damn it, because I’m having doubts about letting you stay at the Palace when you get out of this hospital. If my mother’s offer of help is so abhorrent to you, perhaps you need to find another place to stay!”

I still couldn’t look at her, but I found my voice, though it was only a whisper at first. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry!” Tears were burning my eyes as I looked up at Padme. “I... you have the right to be angry with me. I... don’t deserve the hospitality you’ve shown me.”

I apologized again as I turned away from her. I didn’t want her to see me weeping. I didn’t want to see the pity in her eyes. I felt her hand on my shoulder, and next thing I knew she was holding me in her arms as I cried on her shoulder.

After a minute or so, I pulled away and wiped my tears. “I’m sorry I yelled at your mother. I really do appreciate her offer, and I’m thankful for your hospitality. I just...” I stopped talking and shook my head as I looked down at my feet. Taking a deep breath, I told Padme about what I had felt when her mother offered me those dresses. “It hurt my pride. I know it’s petty and spiteful, and I hate myself for what I said. I hope she can forgive me. And even if you don’t want me to stay at the Palace any more, I hope you can forgive me, too.”

“Of course I forgive you,” she said as she took my hands in hers. “Mrs. Skywalker... back on Tatooine, you helped us... gave unselfishly, even though you couldn’t afford much... you gave more than we asked for.” She squeezed my fingers as she said, “What I’ve given you, and what my mom offered, is only a small fraction of what we have... so much less than what you gave us. Please, will you allow us to give that much?”

We hugged again when I accepted her offer.

This made me realize that even though giving is a good thing, receiving with grace enriches those who give. I’m grateful to Padme for helping me learn this lesson.

 

Excellent! Just superb! Shmi shows a candid humility in acknowledging where she needs to grow -- to herself first and which is harder to another. Very admirable.

 

A very nice meaningful lesson. And shown in with emotion and great words in her diary

 

You have a fantastic characterization of Shmi in this and your other connected stories. She seems very real, having understandable mixed feelings and difficulties while adjusting to freedom. I'm glad you included this incident with Jobal. It really drives home how far they all have to go in understanding each other and how deeply Shmi's past has affected her. Her conclusion that "receiving with grace enriches those who give" speaks strongly about her willingness to grow and heal. Hardship has left its mark on her emotions, but so many people with much less pain in their lives see so much less clearly.

I also liked Padme's reaction, that she doesn't immediately understand (why would she, when she's from a wealthy family on a peaceful and thriving planet?) and yet is willing to listen through her anger and give Shmi the forgiveness she needs.

 

Shmi is very wise. It takes a lot of maturity to recognize and acknowledge something like that about oneself, and I'm glad she was able to. It looks like she and Padme both understand each other better now and can move forward into a stronger relationship because of it. Hopefully with Jobal too.

Great job with the emotions and the post overall!

 

Jade_eyes, earlybird-obi-wan, Kahara, Thumper09, AzureAngel2

Centaxday, Welona 12

I’m back at the Palace. Yané greeted me and apologized for not coming to visit me in the hospital... she’s been so kind and has been teaching me the culture here... she was the one who found me when I’d passed out in the refresher. I told her she didn’t have to apologize. I know she’s busy with her duties as handmaiden, and I know she is also taking classes at a university.

Mrs. Naberrie... no Jobal... she doesn’t want me calling her Mrs. Naberrie... came to my room with a box full of dresses. “Padmé told me you agreed to look through these. I hope you like them. They’re nothing fancy.”

I thanked her, and apologized... I actually burst into tears again while doing so, and she hugged me.

“Please, don’t feel you owe me anything. Especially apologies,” she said. “I’m just sorry I embarrassed you.”

After we forgave each other... really, she had nothing to apologize for. She did nothing wrong. It was all my fault. Anyway, after that was out of the way, we started talking... it’s funny, it was like we were long lost friends. I felt really comfortable with her. It is like we have some sort of kinship of the soul... it’s as though if I hadn’t been a slave the majority of my life, I’d be just like Jobal.

At her request, because she was anxious to see if I liked them, I looked through the dresses as we spoke. The funniest thing happened in the middle of all this... there was one I instantly fell in love with even before I took it out of the box... it was a dark red color with a soft velvety feel... and as I took it out and the skirt flowed down, Jobal said, “That’s my favorite. I think it’ll look good on you.”

This solidified my impression that she and I were much alike. We even have the same taste in clothes. Funny how such a superfluous thing as that can bind two women together. At her behest, I went into the refresher and tried it on. It’s a little big for me right now (as is my own worn out dress I previously had on) because of how much weight I’d lost.

“I could help you take these in, but I think you’ll be able to fit in these soon with a regular diet,” she commented.

I laughed. “With the food here at the palace, I’m likely to be too big for these before long.”

We were both laughing about that when Padme knocked on the door. She came in with Mr. Naberrie... rather, Ruwee. Padme’s eyes brightened when she saw me in the dress. “That looks wonderful on you, Mrs. Skywalker.” I asked her to please call me Shmi. I know she respects me, but I don’t want my friends to be so formal with me.

Friends...

I feel like they’re family.

Though I still want to find out where I came from and if there are any blood relations around, I feel like I will always have a place here on Naboo.

 

very sweet with the friendship and the similar tastes
Shmi needs this

 

How very wonderful to feel burgeoning kinship leading to friendship. It speaks to the genuineness and caring natures of Jobal and Padme that Shmi already feels they're family

 

Friends...

I feel like they’re family.

Though I still want to find out where I came from and if there are any blood relations around, I feel like I will always have a place here on Naboo.

I can´t wait to discover that, too. But I fear that there might be obstacles and darkness. Perhaps even some mean elderly senator...

 

It's touching to see their similar tastes in dresses and their bonding now that the air is cleared. It's such a great feeling to find someone you just click with, and I hope this helps Shmi feel more comfortable there with them.

Great post! Looking forward to more.

 

earlybird-obi-wan Thumper09 Jade_eyes AzureAngel2 Kahara Valairy Scot

Taungsday, Welona 13

I had a wonderful dream last night. I was laying in bed with Qui-Gon holding me in his arms. I felt warm and safe... and oh so loved.

Then it seemed as though time had passed, and again, I was in bed again, but this time I was sitting up and had a baby girl in my arms. She had thick brown hair and though her eyes were brown like mine, they were shaped like Qui-Gon's. He was sitting beside me and making cooing sounds as she held one of his fingers in a grip only infants seem to have.

I felt so peaceful.

To bad it was only a dream.

 

Oh sweet dreams.

 

And will those dreams be coming true?

 

Great updates! The quiet scenes with her new friends on Naboo are warm and the dream is interesting (the future or a reflection of wishes?)

 

I do hope for her that dreams will come true!

 

Jade_eyes, Kahara, earlybird-obi-wan, AzureAngel2, Thumper09

Taungsday, Welona 13, late afternoon

I was able to do some research today on the Skywalker family name. It seems Ani and I are the only Skywalkers in existence. I saw several news stories about Ani’s heroic exploits... I’m proud of what he did, and even more proud of how he humbly responded to a reporter in one of the newscast holos... though his idea of fun makes me cringe.

What really took me by surprise was the newscasts showing Padme’s efforts to get funds from Naboo’s taxes allocated to freeing me! She had finally gotten it after Qui-Gon and Ani already freed me, though. Now she’s trying to get those funds distributed to the refugee camps. There is debate in Naboo’s senate whether it should be for that, or given to me to help me settle into my new life as a free woman. I’d rather it go to the refugee camps. I’d go to them and tell them, but I have a feeling Padme doesn’t even wish me to know what she did on my behalf. I’ll let her keep her ‘secret.’ I love her so much for the thought.

I also went job hunting. I think I need to go shopping for some appropriate clothes for the jobs I’m applying for... the dresses Jobal gave me are too nice for mechanical engineers. I also need to think of other skills I have that would be helpful for other types of jobs. It doesn’t hurt to keep my options open, right?

 

She is certainly doing her best settling into a new life!

 

Nice post with Shmi getting her new life and trying to get work

 

Very nice thing to do, donate to refugees, and looking forward to how the job hunting goes.

 

Interesting about the Skywalkers. It looks like whoever Shmi's relatives were, they must have been living "off the grid" if they left no traces behind. Neat that Shmi is looking for a mechanical job. It is connected to what she did before at Watto's shop, but makes me wonder if she shares Anakin's interest in tinkering with machines. The controversy over the funds raised sounds like it might come up again later. Shmi has a very sensible and generous attitude about the whole thing.

 

That was a sweet part about Shmi's dream.

It's neat that she's able to follow some of Anakin's activities in the news. That connection can mean a lot sometimes and bridge distances.

The money collection shows how much Padme cares about Shmi. I'm curious to see where the money will ultimately end up, and if it goes to Shmi, what she'll do with it.

I hope her job search goes well!

 

AzureAngel2, earlybird-obi-wan, Jade_eyes, Kahara, Thumper09

I'm sorry I can't respond to each of your replies individually right now, but I really do appreciate your feedback

~~~

Zhellday, Welona 14

Yesterday was unusually warm for midwinter here in Theed, but today it was appropriatly frigid, and I bundled up in several layers as I went out to shop for some sturdy trousers and tunics so I could "dress the part" of a mechanic. I figure when I go on a job interview, it would look silly to dress in something I would be afraid would be ruined by the grease and grime that goes with working with machines. Also, I think that appearing as though I belonged in a company's workplace would make a favorable impression.

I went to a resale shop, and was happy to find out that I happened to come there on the day they always had a special in which customers can fit as much clothes as they can in a bag for five credits. I wound up getting three pairs of trousers, four shirts and two scarves (to keep back my hair) for the five credits, and also bought some sturdy workboots for three credits.

When I came out, feeling elated at getting such a bargain, I was astonished to see white chrystal flakes floating from the heavens. It was snowing, and the streets had a light dusting covering them. It was so beautiful! It was the first time in twenty years since I'd seen snow. It was the first time seeing it as a free woman.

Freedom makes everything look better.

 

Freedom makes everything look better.

That is a very wise statement.

 

Shmi did some sensible shopping and got a bargain too And woot! She's enjoying stuff anew because of her new status.