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Saga Letter to the Galaxy - by Darth Vader

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by rhonderoo, Aug 31, 2004.

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  1. rhonderoo

    rhonderoo Former Head Admin star 9 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Aug 7, 2002
    Now for something completely different...


    November 30, 2004 -A/N 2: I rewrote a little of this and added some to it for another site and thought I'd post new version here. :)

    A/N: I need a break from angst if only for a day, and since work is involving major suckage today, I thought I'd write something to de-stress. :p All the characters belong to George, and feedback is certainly welcome and appreciated. :)






    Letter to the Galaxy


    by Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith




    [image=http://www.rhonderoo.com/vaderpoint.jpg]




    First - let us get this out in the open, immediately.

    I do not stalk the streets of Coruscant at night looking for kittens to dismember. I am a Dark Lord of the Sith, not a common criminal, for the love of the Emperor.

    The last time I did anything remotely similar was when that Devoronian idiot stepped on my cape at the last Imperial function that my Master insisted I attend?and that was appropriate.

    It was entirely his fault.

    How stupid must you be to get close enough to me to step on my cape?

    Moving on?

    I do not drink blood, collect body parts or shrink heads. After all, I do all of the work in the galaxy and the Emperor must have SOMETHING to do. If it were not for me he?d be back in the Senate pouring tea for Bail Organa?or dead.

    Since we are on the subject of dead?. How did his face get like that? When I accepted this assignment, I was told the dark side would be everlasting life. I must go back and look at my contract. He should look into the whole mask concept. And his breath...

    Pardon me, I digress.

    I do not purposely and/or maliciously set out to do mayhem and murder each day, although it does sometimes unfortunately happen. Sometimes it IS actually ME that actually does these terrible and unfortunate things, although I am positive that your confidence in my ability to be 23 places AT ONE TIME does sometimes lend itself to skepticism.

    Furthermore, I take no delight in killing those of you that are unfortunate enough to step a little close to the line, although you would be behooved to learn your limits, I?m getting impatient and irritable in my old age.

    I have never gotten any extreme pleasure out of impaling, dismembering, or choking any victim that has had the unfortunate pleasure of, how shall I say it?.making me unhappy. Except maybe the Hutt who tried to sell me a slave, but that is a different story for another time.

    My point is this: I believe you all get somewhat carried away in your... perceptions ?of me.

    My intention has always been to bring order to the galaxy; it is not my fault that you, the galaxy as a whole ? LACK DISCIPLINE.

    Now, on to the whole ?torturing and trying to kill my own children? thing?

    And, please, do not interrupt me with so called ?facts?; I have not completely forgotten how to use a Force choke.

    Why in the name of Yoda would I try to kill my own son? So he can be a bit of a complainer?okay, he can be very whiny.

    But I daresay that is probably the only bad trait he inherited from his mother. And looking back it should be decidedly evident that I was trying to teach the boy a lesson. You will notice that only when I pushed ?THE? Skywalker button did he beat me. Ahem, I mean?did I let him beat me.

    His sister, on the other hand?is definitely my kid. Granted she may have gotten a little misguided in her intentions along the way, but never let it be said that one can cross her and come away unscathed. Now if only she would improve her taste in men?

    At least he can fly.

    Pilots can be dashing figures. Just ask her mother.


    And finally - my favorite subject. Obi-Wan.

    I have heard various snide remarks regarding my refusal to LET IT GO. In my defense, I must say that it is only because he owes me 20 credits that I even remember him.

    Oh, and the fact that he ATTEMPTED TO KILL ME!
     
  2. Jedi Trace

    Jedi Trace SouthEast RSA star 6 Staff Member Manager

    Registered:
    Dec 15, 1999
    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh]

    TOO FUNNY!!

    How stupid must you be to get close enough to me to step on my cape?

    [face_thinking] I dunno, Roo. You can let us know after C III. [face_mischief] ;) Ahem..... :D


    How did his face get like that? When I accepted this assignment, I was told the dark side would be everlasting life. I must go back and look at my contract. He should look into the whole mask concept.

    Not a bad idea. The mask could even have a MUTE button....


    Loved it!!! =D=

    I needed a laugh today.


    ......staying away from the cape........

     
  3. Hananiah

    Hananiah Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jan 15, 2003
    This is hilarious, anyone who can make Vader look like the victim is very, very clever. Y'know from this pov Vader's an okay guy, you see what fanfic does to me?
     
  4. AnakinsHeir

    AnakinsHeir Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    May 2, 2004
    I do not purposely and/or maliciously set out to do mayhem and murder each day, although it does sometimes unfortunately happen. Sometimes it is actually me that actually does these terrible and unfortunate things, although I am positive that your confidence in my ability to be 23 places at one time does sometimes lend itself to skepticism.

    Furthermore, I take no delight in killing those of you that are unfortunate enough to step a little too far over the line, although you would be behooved to learn your limits, I?m getting impatient and irritable in my old age. I have never gotten any extreme pleasure out of impaling, dismembering, or choking any victim that has had the unfortunate pleasure of, how shall I say it?.ticking me off. Except maybe the Hutt who tried to sell me a slave, but that is a different story for another time.


    Ah, the poor guy! I feel so bad for him now. Witty and funny, I loved it.

     
  5. Gina

    Gina Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 3, 2003
    Obi-Wan. I have heard various snide remarks regarding my refusal to LET IT GO. In my defense, I must say that it is only because he owes me 20 credits that I even remember him. Oh, and the fact that he ATTEMPTED TO KILL ME! And let me tell you, it was not like living in the same quarters with him for 13 years was a vacation on Naboo. He snored. He was always grumpy in the morning, and he never remembered the code to the entry pad. I know what you are saying, that I am obsessed. But you would be too; if he STILL came to you constantly to gloat that he knew all along of the ?good in there.? Damn! Why must he always be right???

    ROTFL! This was great!


     
  6. VaderLVR64

    VaderLVR64 Manager Emeritus star 8 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Feb 5, 2004
    I've always said he was just misunderstood! I LOVED this one! It appealed to the sick sense of humor I cherish. Hey, maybe that wasn't a compliment. Oh well, take it in the spirit it was intended. This was hilarious!


    Having said my piece, I?m sure we can move forward for a mutually beneficial understanding. I am sure you will no longer see the need to tremble with trepidation when you hear of me. That is?unless you step near the cape.

    I will steer clear of the cape. I hate it when people step on my shoes, so I can relate!

    Very well done!

     
  7. Jedikma

    Jedikma Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Feb 5, 2004
    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] Very funny!!! [face_laugh] [face_laugh]
     
  8. StarFighter5

    StarFighter5 Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jul 25, 2003
    I needed a laugh today. Thank you! [face_laugh]
     
  9. RebelScum77

    RebelScum77 Manager Emeritus star 6 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Aug 3, 2003
    I love a Vader with a sense of humor... cos let's face it, he's Anakin- he MUST have had one! :p

    Too funny... well done honey!!
     
  10. DarthIshtar

    DarthIshtar Jedi Grand Master star 9

    Registered:
    Mar 26, 2001
    Oh, force, that was too funny for words, mostly because those first three paragraphs perfectly describe me...
     
  11. -Erela-

    -Erela- Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Jun 9, 2004
    LOL! ::dies laughing:: I. Love. Vader.

    So funny.

    The cape. Hehe. ::falls into fits of never-ending giggles ::

    -Erela
     
  12. Qui-Gon Tim

    Qui-Gon Tim Memphis, TN FanForce Chapter Rep star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 1, 2000
    That was absolutely hilarious, Roo!

    (If y'all like her humorous Vader, you should see how she writes him in serious matters. Rhonderoo knows how to get inside his head better than anyone I've read. You should read [link=http://boards.theforce.net/The_Saga/b10476/16297538/?0]this[/link].)
     
  13. Jedi_Jen

    Jedi_Jen Jedi Master star 1

    Registered:
    Nov 7, 2003
    That was great! Poor Darth, so misunderstood. :)
    I enjoyed this- very funny! [face_laugh]
     
  14. Darth-Don-King

    Darth-Don-King Jedi Youngling

    Registered:
    Feb 24, 2001
    Dear Lord Vader: Perhaps you should try something to relax. A good, healthy round of Tai Chi can do wonders. Perhaps your Chi is out of balance. Feng Shui would greatly enhance...ack....cough....choke....gasp......

    THUD!
     
  15. BrownEyes_Blue

    BrownEyes_Blue Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Aug 29, 2002
    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] This was hilarious!!! I espeically liked the part about the emperor needing a mask and dental plan...so true! Thanks for sharing it.
     
  16. rhonderoo

    rhonderoo Former Head Admin star 9 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Aug 7, 2002
    Jedi Trace - Thanks for the Skywalker button idea! [:D]

    Hananiah - I know! Poor baby! Thanks for reading!!!

    AnakinsHeir - Thanks for stopping by! He's so misunderstood, the big lug... [face_laugh]

    Gina - Thanks!!! :)

    VaderLVR64 - It was my sick sense of humor that brought this around. [face_laugh]

    Jedikma - Thanks for stopping by!

    Starfighter5 - Thank you! Good to see you again!

    Rebelscum77 - C'mon, you know he's got a sense of humor. [face_laugh]

    DarthIshtar - Thanks for stopping by! Looks like we all have a sick sense of humor.

    -Erela- Thanks so much for reading!

    Qui-Gon Tim - As much as you, Trace and I laugh about this, you knew this was coming. [:D]

    Jedi-Jen - Thanks for reading!!!!

    Darth-Don-King - *looks down* Oh... :eek: ;)

    BrownEyes_Blue - Thanks for reading!!! :)

     
  17. leia_naberrie

    leia_naberrie Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Sep 10, 2002
    OHMYGOD!

    That was BEYOND HYSTERICAL! :eek: [face_laugh]

    I am positive that your confidence in my ability to be 23 places at one time does sometimes lend itself to skepticism.

    :eek: [face_laugh] :eek: [face_laugh]

    And finally, my favorite subject, Obi-Wan. I have heard various snide remarks regarding my refusal to LET IT GO. In my defense, I must say that it is only because he owes me 20 credits that I even remember him. Oh, and the fact that he ATTEMPTED TO KILL ME. And let me tell you, it was not like living in the same quarters with him for 13 years was a vacation on Naboo. He snored. He was always grumpy in the morning, and he never remembered the code to the entry pad.

    :eek: [face_laugh] :eek: [face_laugh] :eek: [face_laugh]

    I am sure you will no longer see the need to tremble with trepidation when you hear of me. That is?unless you step near the cape.

    :eek: [face_laugh] :eek: [face_laugh]
     
  18. Dally

    Dally Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Apr 2, 2001
    Haha! Very good! And he's certainly right... any whininess Luke may exhibit MUST be from his mother... it's not a Skywalker trait. No way.
     
  19. rhonderoo

    rhonderoo Former Head Admin star 9 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Aug 7, 2002
    leia_naberrie: Thanks for stopping by! :)

    Dally: Yeah, it was Padme whose was known for her whining....yeah. [face_laugh]
     
  20. mixza

    mixza Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jan 28, 2004
    About time DV spoke up for himself! :p
     
  21. rhonderoo

    rhonderoo Former Head Admin star 9 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Aug 7, 2002
    mixza: I know. He's usually so shy.












    [face_laugh]
     
  22. MY-T-Chewbacca

    MY-T-Chewbacca Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    May 10, 2004
    See, now don't you feel bad for making Vader out to be the bad guy? He was simply misunderstood, that's all! Great story.
     
  23. owphoenix

    owphoenix Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Sep 7, 2003
    "....son? So he can be a bit of a complainer... Okay, he can be very whiny. But I daresay that is probably the only bad trait he inherited from his mother"

    What a nice chuckle to have after a bad night at work.
    [face_laugh]
     
  24. Lilu

    Lilu Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Mar 15, 2000
    *LOL*

    I alway knew he has been misunderstood.

    What can I say but: Aww, poor Vady....
     
  25. NamelessAlien

    NamelessAlien Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Nov 25, 1999
    Meheheheheh.
    I do not purposely and/or maliciously set out to do mayhem and murder each day, although it does sometimes unfortunately happen. And he looks so innocent saying that! LOL.
     
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