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  1. In Memory of LAJ_FETT: Please share your remembrances and condolences HERE

Before - Legends Letters of Complaint (humor, first one up is Obi, updated 11/05/06, Yaddle's lament)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by Neon Star, Apr 9, 2003.

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  1. Arwen-Jade_Kenobi

    Arwen-Jade_Kenobi Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Feb 9, 2002
    By the way, what is your obsession with killing me? Do you people truly hate me that much? I know I?m scheduled to die, but do we really need to speed up the process? I?m not so bad that I need to die just so my Padawan can suffer angst, am I? No, I didn?t think so. So keep you nasty little knives, poisons, lightsabers, torture devices, heart attacks, natural and unnatural diseases, broken hearts, Sith Lords, suicides, and other means of murder away from me!

    LMAO!!!! That was hilarious!! More soon please!!

     
  2. Agent_Jaid

    Agent_Jaid Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Registered:
    Feb 21, 2003
    Kenobi's Letter

    I do not appreciate waking up every morning to the terror of yet another day of ?kidnap and torture poor Obi.? It gets annoying. Or the, ?oh, lets put Obi through emotional damage,? that?s always fun.

    But, but, but......... I LIKE those games!!! :p

    But, back to me. What is the deal? Sure, I?m cute, soon to be totally hot, Jedi, but does that qualify for sixty thousand beatings per day?! And some of the things a few of you have thought up, shudders, how did you come up with those?! Twisted, people, very twisted!


    [face_laugh] HAHAHAH!!!!!!!! Only 60,000? Rats. I was SURE there was more then that!!

    All I ask is that you people would please leave me, my braid, and my Master alone, or give me a rest!

    Sorry, against our religion.

    Xanatos is almost as good looking as I am. Go beat him up!

    But, but..... He's no fun! He's ALREADY fallen to the darkside!!!

    Jinn's letter

    To start off, lets discuss my apprentice, your torture toy.

    Hey! You said that! Not me!

    The boy can?t leave his room now without putting on full body armor under his robe, make sure his locator is working and updating his will, though I don?t know why.

    I do!!! *waves hand wildly in the air*

    The armor doesn?t help, the locator, thought its supposedly not suppose to, malfunctions for some reason every time he is kidnapped, and he should know by now that everything he owns goes to me, plus you people will resurrect him in an hour or less if you kill him. But whatever gives him comfort.


    No-no, Sir. Everything works just like it's supposed to!!

    By the way, what is your obsession with killing me? Do you people truly hate me that much?

    Yes. He shouldn't have to ask about that. Sheez. :D

    I know I?m scheduled to die, but do we really need to speed up the process?

    Yes.

    So keep you nasty little knives, poisons, lightsabers, torture devices, heart attacks, natural and unnatural diseases, broken hearts, Sith Lords, suicides, and other means of murder away from me!


    NO!!!!

    Please consider my Padawan?s and my pleas.

    *considers*

    *throws the idea out*

    +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

    THESE ARE GREAT!!!!!

    May we have more please?? :D


    God Bless!!

    -+- Jaid


     
  3. Neon Star

    Neon Star Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Registered:
    Mar 30, 2000
    Wow! Loving the responses everyone! :D

    Lurkalidth: Of course, I've read too many of the afore mentioned items in the orginal letters, so they had best have some truth. ;) Thank you! I love sharing my works with my wonderful readers!

    Altaira: Qui just wants to say, it seriously wasn't his fault. It was all Lucas, he, Qui, didn't want the little sith brat. And he says he has talked to Obi, Obi isn't really happy having his dead Master desturb his sleep, but he has told him what Lucas wouldn't let him. Or so he tells me, but Qui hasn't always been truthful. ;) Thank you!

    Padawan: Heh, you read my mind again! Xan was coming up anyways, and so here he is. Thanks! :D

    OTK: Qui says he can't. Heh, but that's just Qui. ;) Thanks, and I have to admit, its fun writing it. :)

    SilverWander: Thank you!

    female_obi_wan: Who says they are not? I talk to them all the time! Oh, and Qui is now hiding in the corner... ;) Thanks! And I guess you're now seeing who gets to voice his complaints. ;)

    Sabe126: Thanks, here is more!

    PaddyJuan Dumb question, but mind giving me the meaning of that? [face_blush]

    mad4dos: I'm glad it is!

    dianethx: I'm glad you and your daughter are enjoying my work! I hope to contiue this rare strain of humor. Heh, and I think he reliazes his mistake in mentioning that. ;) As to Yoda, I plan to do him next, so you shall see his letter soon! :)

    Jedi_Master_Kat: Thanks! And I shall consider that. I'll probably have Mace's letter after Yoda's, and I will say it will be intresting to write him, since I'm one of those that neglects him. ;)

    C3SoloP0: Thanks! Glad you loved his letter. :)

    ForceAchtungBaby: Thank you! I have to say, I'm rather suprised, humor isn't usually my strong point.

    Arwen-Jade_Kenobi: Thanks! Glad you are enjoying it! Here is more!

    Agent_Jaid: LOL! You're review was rather funny, and so very very true! Expecially about giving Obi a day off being against the code of all torturers! ;) :D

    Sorry, got cut off when trying to post. Heh, anyways, also sorry this is late in coming. I lost the orginally letter, as my comp ate it, and holidays are busy. But I've got it now! And I've really enjoyed all of your reviews! Thank you all! :D

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



    Dear lovely ladies and talented gentlemen,

    It has come to my attention that my former Master and his apprentice have written to you about the treatment they have been receiving, and I have decided to add my own comments. During the last year, fanfics centering on me have been on the rise, even after my untimely ?death?, and I should be grateful, if not for the fact that I am getting the poor Obi treatment.

    Now I understand why Kenobi hates this. You people are insane! Force, Qui-gon thought I was crazy for jumping off a building, and turning to the dark side of course, but obviously he didn?t know about you people then. Why are you hunting me all of a sudden?! I mean, I know I?m hot, sexy, and one of the only attractions worthy enough of such interesting audiences when in the JA books, but seriously, why must you wreck havoc upon me?!

    Okay, so I was torture to Qui-gon, and tore the ever so great Master?s heart out when I fell, have torn poor lil Obi?s emotions to shreds, destroyed a few planets, and own a multi billion credit evil corporation, but does that really give you the right to strap me to a table somewhere and use me as an experiment for your demented torture ideas for Obi-wan?! No! It does not!

    Sigh? And I am really miffed at those who say they love me. Really, if you love me so much, why do you do this to me? Why do you scar me body, soul, and mind? Is that any way to show that you love your wonderful dark Jedi? No, it isn?t?.

    But maybe I shouldn?t complain, Obi-wan has it far worse then I?. But I have another subject to bring up.

    My redemption issue, Force, my favorite topic. Lets get down to the point, shall we? I have never, will never, shall never, will not in any time, place, r
     
  4. obi_ew

    obi_ew Jedi Master star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 14, 2002
    :p I love ya and if I want to redeem ya I will! So there! :D Too funny Neon !
     
  5. Padawan_Jess_Kenobi

    Padawan_Jess_Kenobi Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 20, 2002
    [face_laugh] Master, I'd have to say this is the funniest one yet! I love you Xanatos, and I will never stop redeeming you?! :D This bit was hilarious here:

    Now I understand why Kenobi hates this. You people are insane! Force, Qui-gon thought I was crazy for jumping off a building, and turning to the dark side of course, but obviously he didn?t know about you people then. Why are you hunting me all of a sudden?! I mean, I know I?m hot, sexy, and one of the only attractions worthy enough of such interesting audiences when in the JA books, but seriously, why must you wreck havoc upon me?!

    Okay, so I was torture to Qui-gon, and tore the ever so great Master?s heart out when I fell, have torn poor lil Obi?s emotions to shreds, destroyed a few planets, and own a multi billion credit evil corporation, but does that really give you the right to strap me to a table somewhere and use me as an experiment for your demented torture ideas for Obi-wan?! No! It does not!


    [face_laugh] Can't...breathe...too funny!!! I love these so far! Wonderful, and Xanatos' was too good. I can't wait for the next one, though I doubt that they can be much funnier than Xanatos' (or Obi's or Qui's- but I hope they are!) I'm still laughing over here... :D
     
  6. dianethx

    dianethx Jedi Grand Master star 6

    Registered:
    Mar 1, 2002
    You have another winner here. I can just picture Xanatos, lounging back in his black silk leggings, every hair in place, writing this. He's never turning away from the dark side. Got to love it!!!

    I look forward to many more letters....oh, could you have them mail each other, too and complain about the authors? Just a thought.
     
  7. Arwen-Jade_Kenobi

    Arwen-Jade_Kenobi Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Feb 9, 2002
    *applause* Great show.

    And Xan, I'm not listening to Qui or Obi so I am NOT listening to you either!! Live with it!
     
  8. PaddyJuan

    PaddyJuan Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 15, 2002
    laughing my froggy bottom off

    grins
     
  9. SilverWander

    SilverWander Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 18, 2001
    *hahahahah * Just to funny, Well done Neon Star!!!:D
     
  10. Altaira

    Altaira Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 11, 2002
    I did enjoy that but I have to say, I haven't read the JA books. I have heard of Xanatos and know who he is. I?ve hesitated in posting due to my ignorance.

    Without knowing what?s going on, your letters have been hilarious! [face_laugh] I like how he?s staying evil... and when he finds his saber...

    Your letters have inspired me, I?m gonna have to read the books.
     
  11. Neon Star

    Neon Star Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Registered:
    Mar 30, 2000
    Ai, its been too long. Life, a great annoyance at times, but hopefully I'll be able to update more frequently from now on. Sorry for the wait.

    obi_ew: Xan is trying to figure a way to hide currently. ;) Heh, and thanks, glad you think so! :D

    Padawan: Hopefully I'll live up to expectations, though now I have to move into unexplored territory! Thanks, Xan was willing to complain, too bad he doesn't understand that we won't listen. ;) Thanks for the comments. :D

    dianethx: Wow, you were right, that was his stance until he started getting to the end of the letter, then his hair went flying! But he's just stressed. ;) Thank you. :) And I did consider your idea, and since it too me so long, I decided to add a side letter to this one with your idea in mind. Hopefully the side letters will improve, if wanted.

    Arwen-Jade_Kenobi: Thanks. :D And you had better be happy Xan is still missing his lightsaber. ;)

    PaddyJuan: Ah, heh. Glad you find it enjoyable. :)

    SilverWander: Thank you! :)

    Altaira: Well, at least you know about him. :) I'm glad you've decided to, they really are good, most of the time. ;) Oh, and heh, Xan is scary with his lightsaber. But he won't find it for a while yet. Twirls lightsaber. ;)
    *~*~*~*~*~**~*~**~*~*~*

    Dear Fanfic writers known otherwise as evil incarnate

    Yoda, this is, annoyed I am. Destroyed my image, you have, turned me evil, you have done. Evil I am not?.

    Oh, Sith this, prophetical speech is just too hard when trying to get the point across, so lets just discuss this by regular verbal messages for once, though please do not tell the others, or ruined my reputation will be. Hmm, anyways, down to the point, I have heard my grand padawan, great grand padawan, and the fallen idiot, I mean?, Xanatos, have written to you, and decided they had a good idea, coughfor oncecough. So, here I have come, to write up my own complaints.

    Though my list may be small compared to Padawan Kenobi?s, or even Qui-gon?s, size matters not!, and there are some details that need to be attended to. For one thing, no matter how much you like to bring angst by any methods available, I am not one of those things that should be used as an outlet. I am not an evil, cold, sadistic, Master who takes pleasure in putting down those younger then me. Though those fics are rare, and more then not directed to Xanatos angst, they are still there, and I am not like that. I prefer to think of myself as a kind and humble Master, willing to give comfort when needed, thank you very much.

    Oh, and I may be going senile, but as they say, ?when nine hundred you reach, think as good you will not,? but truly, am I so forgetful and also losing what little brain Lucas left me? I mean, truly, if I can?t see the darkness that some of you have portrayed in your fics, then I must be either blinder then a mynock, or more idiotic then a bantha.

    Oh, and rather not complaining about how little attention I get, I wish to thank you for not focusing upon me. Its bad enough watching Qui die constantly, Obi getting kidnapped and beaten every other minute, and Xanatos turning good and dying. Do you know how disturbing it is to see your grand Pad die that often? I?ve been around a long time, and have had many Padawans, grand Padawans, and great grand Padawans, etc. yet never have I seen anything like these two. Very disturbing?

    As to Xanatos, though we do not talk, I would like to say I didn?t hate him when he was a Padawan, and certainly wasn?t one of the multiple reasons you Sith incarnate people think was the reason he fell. I rarely met the boy, always on missions he and Qui-gon were. I only suspected something when he tripped over me one time, nothing more. How was I supposed to know the egomaniac freak, uhhh, my great grand Pad was going to turn?

    Oh, stop messing with my love life! I?ll have you know that when nine thousand years old you reach, love life you will have not! And I will not discuss my relationship with Yaddle, thank you very much.

     
  12. PatttyB0123

    PatttyB0123 Former RSA star 6 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Apr 2, 2003
    Dear Obi-Wan Kenobi
    [face_laugh]

    Sounds that you are refering to my two stories
    So you are being reading my two stories?

    Next time be more polite and leave a note
    [face_laugh]
    I did not know that you stopped by.
    [face_laugh]

    Hey Neon nice post [face_laugh]
     
  13. Arwen-Jade_Kenobi

    Arwen-Jade_Kenobi Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Feb 9, 2002
    LOL loved that Neon!!

    Ah Obi, ,so rude, drop lines when you visit peoples stories you should. You may have hurt patty's feelings. For that, I shall go devise new ways to torture you muhaha!
     
  14. Altaira

    Altaira Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 11, 2002
    Finished book #1-18 of JA. I love the fallen idiot... I mean, Xanatos. They never should have killed him off / had him jump in acid pool. He would have been great to keep driving the others mad. Oh, Yeah! Many of you have brought him back and he is driving the others mad, but I do prefer him evil.

    Thanks for the inspiration. I have been considering reading the books for a few years now but never spent the money. They still cost $5 each. I?d like to complain about that, I should have gotten a volume discount getting the whole set in one purchase.

    Still have the two special editions to read (next comes further understanding of Bruck). After the marathon read I was on, I took a few weeks off. And, the writers are torturing these poor characters. I can see the reason for the complaint letters.

    Great Job!!! I have been lurking on some stories and enjoying then. I?ll have to post, I have been evil. Everything in its own time.

    As to Yoda?s letter size matters not!... when nine hundred/thousand years you reach,... love life you will have not!...losing what little brain Lucas left me... [face_laugh] [face_laugh] Obi was funny again, give him a can of Raid.

    ANOTHER GREAT LETTER!

    EDIT: just read back over the letters, [knowledge dawns] YOU have his saber... [face_shocked] [face_laugh] [face_laugh]
     
  15. PatttyB0123

    PatttyB0123 Former RSA star 6 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Apr 2, 2003
    Oh!
    Thanks Arwen!

    By the way Neon
    Please can you make one letter about Anakin?
    You have talent.
    Will be cool.
     
  16. obi_ew

    obi_ew Jedi Master star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 14, 2002
    How was I supposed to know the egomaniac freak, uhhh, my great grand Pad was going to turn? [face_laugh] These are hilarious! Loved poor Obi's follow up letter! More soon?
     
  17. PatttyB0123

    PatttyB0123 Former RSA star 6 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Apr 2, 2003
    Oops!
    Dear [face_laugh]
    Obi-Wan
    you always whining,Whining.
    Where are your Jedi manners?
    Sincerely
    Pattty.
     
  18. Valiowk

    Valiowk Chosen One star 6

    Registered:
    Apr 23, 2000
    so lets just discuss this by regular verbal messages for once, though please do not tell the others, or ruined my reputation will be. Hmm, anyways, down to the point, I have heard my grand padawan, great grand padawan, and the fallen idiot, I mean?, Xanatos

    That was simply great! Yoda, for the first time not talking in a confunding manner :D
     
    Jedi Knight Fett likes this.
  19. Padawan_Jess_Kenobi

    Padawan_Jess_Kenobi Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 20, 2002
    Oh, and rather not complaining about how little attention I get, I wish to thank you for not focusing upon me. Its bad enough watching Qui die constantly, Obi getting kidnapped and beaten every other minute, and Xanatos turning good and dying. Do you know how disturbing it is to see your grand Pad die that often? I?ve been around a long time, and have had many Padawans, grand Padawans, and great grand Padawans, etc. yet never have I seen anything like these two. Very disturbing?

    As to Xanatos, though we do not talk, I would like to say I didn?t hate him when he was a Padawan, and certainly wasn?t one of the multiple reasons you Sith incarnate people think was the reason he fell. I rarely met the boy, always on missions he and Qui-gon were. I only suspected something when he tripped over me one time, nothing more. How was I supposed to know the egomaniac freak, uhhh, my great grand Pad was going to turn?


    [face_laugh] Loved it! :D

    I also loved Obi-Wan's side letter. Awesome. Poor boy getting tortured, although it was hilarious. [face_laugh] Heh, sounds like he is referring to my three fics where he is kept in constant pain... [face_shocked] 8-} Us fan fic authors really are sadistic, aren't we? :D Again, hilarious! [face_laugh]
     
  20. Happy_Hobbit_Padawan

    Happy_Hobbit_Padawan Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Registered:
    Feb 3, 2003
    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh] These are hilarious! Very creative. I loved Obi-Wan's final side letter. :D Please write more more more!


    And this reminded of a humor thread I saw a long time ago, The Art of Obi-Torture (And How To Get It Right!), by Tahiri. I think you'd all get a kick out of it. ;)

    The Art of Obi Torture (And How To Get It Right!)
     
  21. dianethx

    dianethx Jedi Grand Master star 6

    Registered:
    Mar 1, 2002
    Loved the latest letter and side letter. Wonderful.
    Yoda talking just like the rest of us - thank you Neon Star. Yoda turning evil - I always disliked the old troll so fan fic authors turning him to the darkside is not unexpected (sorry, Yoda).

    As for the Obi side letter, love how you had him be able to use the Force to type the note and yet not use it to get the bugs off his body. Happens a lot in fan fic...
    As for the bugs burrowing in....yuck!

    Great job. Would love to see a letter from Xan to Qui...
     
  22. TenelKaJedi

    TenelKaJedi Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 9, 2003
    I love this thread. The bit about the bugs burrowing into Obi is hilarious!

    Yoda turning to the Dark side? Little bit strange. (heck, what am I talking about, I CREATED strange!)

    Obi-Forget about the bugs! If you die, you'll come back to life in about an hour, so chill out! What is it with guys and creepy-crawlies anyway?

    Xanatos-You just THINK you can never be turned to the Light. C'mon, if you can live,die,live,die,etc., then eventually you are going to have to turn to the Light to get a little peace!

    NEON STAR: could one of the letters be from Chewie? I mean, the poor thing is always having to save Solo's rear. I'm sure he feels like complaining SOMETIMES, but is too polite to say anything. Give him a break.

    *pauses*
    WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY ARE NOT REAL!! I'm talking to them, aren't I?
    *confused look on face*
    Oh. Just voices inside my head, huh? What, do you think I'm insane!? Just because I write SW fanfic doesn't mean I'm crazy!
    Oh, it DOES mean I'm crazy?
    *glances back at computer screen*
    OOPS! Sorry. Having a little conversation with my other half. Having multiple personalities can be taxing at times. ;) [face_laugh]
     
  23. Sabe126

    Sabe126 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 18, 2002
    ROTFL! Brilliant! :)
     
  24. ForceAchtungBaby

    ForceAchtungBaby Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jul 18, 2002
    My sides hurt from all the laughter this thread induces! You should put a warning on here! [face_laugh]
     
  25. Neon Star

    Neon Star Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Registered:
    Mar 30, 2000
    PatttyB0123: Obi-wan wishes to say he has not read any stories, he has experienced them. He only found out the JC existed today. He also says his Jedi manners went out the window the day Phantom Meanace came on screen. ;) Thank you for your comments! :) I am planning to do Anakin in the upcoming PT/OT verison of this that should appear soon in the During Saga.

    Arwen-Jade_Kenobi Obi-wan is currently begging you not to devise further ways to torture him, he is quite happy with the current ones, really. ;) Thanks. :)

    Altaira: LOL, I prefer him evil as well, though a good Xani here and there is fun. Glad I could inspire you, and that you liked them. Agree with you on the prices. Heh, and of course, the chars have more then enough to complain about! Thank you very much, :) and of course, can't have him attacking anyone. ;)

    obi_ew: Thanks! And yes, more now in fact! :D

    Valiowk: Yes, he was happy to finally get out of talking so confusingly. He really only does it to make fun of the other council memebers without them understanding. ;) Thanks!

    Padawan: We are, we truely are, its in the code to be so. Obi-wan seems to refer to many fics in his letters, though he never specifies. ;) Thank you for your comments. :)

    Happy_Hobbit_Padawan: Thanks and I shall write more! :D Yes, I've read it, masterful look at our very excellent art of torture, heh.

    dianethx: You must have read my mind, cause that was what I was thinking of doing as my next side letter. Yeah, and poor Obi is a victom of irony, massive irony. And no it isn't really, Yoda deserves it at times. ;) Thanks! :D

    TenelKaJedi You'd be suprised, Yoda turning is a rare but not unheard of case. Heh, and Obi-wan says he doesn't mind bugs, until they start burrowing into his skin and eating him alive. Xan is still determined not to turn, not even a little, he is stubborn like that. ;) Oh, Chewie is going to have a lot to complain about, and his letter will be up with the rest when I get the PT/OT verison up. Thanks. :D

    Sabe126: Glad you like it. :)

    ForceAchtungBaby: Glad my humor is amusing! :D And where would the fun be in a warning. ;)

    Well, all suggestions for JA chars are welcomed. Mace really is a PT, but I kind of know little of his fanfic rep, so I just winged it. Hope it comes out somewhat good, as I was a little unstable on it... Enjoy!
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Dear writers,

    I doubt many of your know who I am, in fact, I think only the Fett fans acknowledge my existence majority of the time, and that is just before they have the dear little demon named Boba chop off my head for killing his father! Now, if that isn?t enough of a clue, then this shall be. My name is Mace Windu, not Windy, not Wendy, not Macey, not baldy, (even if Obi-wan likes it), and not shiny head! It is Mace Windu, preferably Master Windu, or Mace.

    Now, my letter will be massively short, because I don?t get enough attention to complain as it is. I want attention! I don?t see why Qui and Obi-wan hate it, truly, you get worshiped as you get whipped, don?t see any prob there! But maybe that?s the depression talking?

    Qui-gon: ?I think its time for your meds, Mace??

    Mace: ?Shut up, Qui-gon, and let me finish!?

    I mean it, why do golden boy and expert swordsman get all the attention? Why can?t I, a high-ranking Council member, get some? In fact, I should get more, I outlived Qui-gon, and I am going to kill Jangle?Jando?Jango? something or other, Fett, I deserve more attention!

    Qui-gon: ?Mace, remember that is why you get killed a lot in fics??

    Mace: ?Did I or did I not tell you to shut up, Qui-gon? Do you want me to tell them your pet name??

    Qui-gon: ?No! Sorry, please, continue. (Evil council member).?

    Mace: ?Of course I?m evil. That?s how you get on the Council, not being a goody good like you. Now be quiet.?

    Anyways, I am important before that. I?ve had many successful Padawans, and none may I add ever turned to the dark side, like a certain others?? coughQ
     
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