Beyond - Legends Letters of Complaint to the NJO Authors: 7/21 Tenel Ka and Wes' Letters. Finally. :)

I'll review it, if there is still a need.

 

So hilourious- i'd offer to review it but i haven't read all of the njo and other books sorry. heaps. i cnai't wait unthil mara's and everyone elses.

 

Okay, here's Mara's letter. Sorry it took so long to post. A special thanks go to Delwanna Solo, ChildOfWinds and -Trickster- for their pre-reading.

As a warning, this letter is more caustic than Kyp and Jacen's letters since I figured that is how Mara would express herself to the authors: in a tone of sarcasm and scorn.

Disclaimer: the views expressed in this letter do not necessarily belong to the author.


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To the idiotic NJO authors,

You are the worst group of male-chauvinistic bantha fodder I have ever come across. Palpatine, with his anti-alien, anti-women discrimination, and Vader, with his annihilating all the Jedi compulsion, combined couldn?t hold a candle to you. Your blatant inability to handle a strong and stable female fighter is sickening. You took my promising young apprentice Jaina from a happy, strong young woman in the YJK series and turned her into a psychopathic unstable woman bent on killing herself. You introduced a brilliant and brave scientist who even the Vong thought was worthy and turned her into an insignificant damsel in distress whose only purpose at the end was to show that a woman--no matter how trained and how brilliant?could never solve a galactic problem before an oblivious male jedi hero. Next, you took one of the most steadfast, capable warriors I have ever met and turned her into a queen unable to do more than sit in on meetings and have her name mentioned occasionally so we know she?s still alive. Beyond that, you took an innocent, carefree girl and caused her to become a devastated split-personality freak. Finally there?s me. From the Emperor?s Hand, imperial assassin, trained fighter, probably the most-feared woman in the galaxy to those who know of me, one of the few who has ever outmaneuvered the late Grand Admiral Thrawn and the only one to be able to keep Farmboy in line to a stay-at-home-so-I-can-protect-my-kid-instead-of-helping-to-fight-a-war-mom.

Since the series came out Timothy Zahn has been banging his head against a wall screaming ?No, no!? He created the most popular EU character in Star Wars history and you turn me into a horrible mockery of female strength. I kept waiting for the end of The Unifying Force where you revealed that the Mara you had all been writing about was actually Maara, a psychopathic, absolutely distorted clone and that I had really been away on a successful mission to take out the head Vong leader in their own galaxy. You, kriffen sarlaacs left that part out. It?s like leaving the line ?Luke, I am your father? out of the movies. Instead, there was no redemption for my character. There is a difference between character development and character destruction. Apparently, the difference is too complicated for your infinitesimally small brains to understand. Maybe I can find a four-year old agamarian child to explain the difference.

Now about this disease you stuck me with? are you deranged sith-lords in training? What was the point? It added to the plot as much as having a mynock crap on the falcon while they were stuck in the space slug in TESB. Maybe that was your pathetic attempt at adding originality to the story line. You obviously failed everywhere else. Having Ben kidnapped? Sending him away from me so I don?t get to see my baby grow up? Those concepts were stupid to begin with when they were used on Leia?s twins in the EU. All you authors put together couldn?t come up with enough originality to power a stun blaster. How did you get hired to write for the SW universe? Even Karrde can?t figure it out.

It really is a good thing for you that we don?t live in the same galaxy because regardless of my overly pacifistic husband I would kill you. No torture, no chance at escape. Just quick, pointless death. Just like what you did with Anakin. Remember him? The true hope of the New Jedi Order. The kid with guts and strength. Oh, but that?s right: you had to kill him off because he spent a little tim

 

That was brilliant! that's exactly what Mara would say. And she's right on every point. Well, you're right on every point, but I digress. that was kriffin' awesome, Kettch. I can't wait for tenel ka's, or Jaina's-oh! Is Luke getting one too?

 

Wow, I just found these, and they are hilarious Its so true, too. The NJO really screwed a lot of characters up

I hope you do one for Anakin, Tenel Ka, Jaina, and Luke.

Anyways, good job, and keep 'em coming.

 

GO MARA!!!!!! One problem, Mara, you forgot Leia. She gets left out of everything!!!!!

Mara and Kyp and Jacen have all hit the nail on the head. Hope the others do too.

We should send the completed verison to DR! I would love to see what they would think of them! (if they could understand what's being said! )

 

Oh man...

This is fantastic!!! Hilarious! Side-splitting!! Please email all of these to the respective NJO authors. I'm sure they would learn from them.

All right. Post Anakin's and Tahiri's next. This is too good to wait for!!

 

Go kettch, go kettch, GO, GO!

that was wonderful and SO true. Those male chauvinistic bastards!


I vote for Leia or Anakin next!

 

I wouldn't have thought it was possible, but these just keep getting better and better!!!


Mara Jade Skywalker
Very Good Assassin and Jedi Master

 

That was GREAT! I don't think Mara would worry to much about the Jedi here, I'm pretty sure we'd help her! Once again, GREAT POST!

~*Whisper*~

 

Hey there, this is great!

I especially like Kyp and Mara, probably because their personalities are so sarcastic normally that it feels like the most natural thing in the world!


Hysterical!!!


~M

 

Love it, I can just hear Mara saying it.

And Keyan Farlander was the hero of the Farlander Papers which accompanied X-Wing (just as Maarek Steele was the hero of the book that came with TIE Fighter).

http://www1.theforce.net/cuswe/search.asp?search=Farlander is a good summary.

They have his homeworld invaded and don't let him turn up until 10 books later...and when he does he is having to take orders from Traest Kre'fey and needs Madurrin on his bridge as a link to the Jedi.

After a moment came General Farlander's reply, relayed through Madurrin.

Eh? Okay, maybe you could say that Farlander needed to remain outside the meld to maintain objectivity...but that doesn't mean he should be unable to give a quick order through the force.

 

Exxelent as usual Kettch. Now time to come to the laundry mat with me, the Tainer kids got you dirty again

 

Pellaeon undoubtably has a beef or two about some of the stuff in Destiny's Way or the Force Heretic Trilogy. So does Kre'fey.

And Fey'lya, Sal-Solo, Ta'a Chume, Viqi Shesh, Pwoe, Flennic, those Praetorite Vong from Vector Prime and that Hutt who made the pact with the Vong are probably all falling over themselves trying to mass spam the Del Rey folks with letters of "more than mild disapproval".

And Kyle Katarn probably wants some more page time, too.

 

Now about this disease you stuck me with? are you deranged sith-lords in training? What was the point? It added to the plot as much as having a mynock crap on the falcon while they were stuck in the space slug in TESB.

Hilarious! I can picture Mara taking just this stance. What's sad is that she's right. What happened with the NJO series? Sigh....

 

HAHAHAHA good job!

Edit: Do Han or Anakin next!

Phoenix

 

And, finally, lay off my ship. I don?t let ANYONE fly it, nor do I let parasitic authors destroy it because they were bored with their own plot line and wanted some destruction to liven the story up.



That was great! SO Mara! Much better than most of those NJO creeps!

EJ

 

I'VE JUST READ MARA'S IT IS SOO HER. I LOVED IT I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE OTHERS. WELL DONE.

 

GO MARA!

I love it, I LOVE IT!

*grins like an idiot*

:Targeter:

 

Loverly loverly! You already got my comments though. ;D

 

That was HILARIOUS. I loved the Jacen one (I just began reading YJK - What happened to him in the NJO????). I'm not much fond of Kyp (read: my least favorite character in all of Star Wars - sorry Kyp fans!) so I didn't really mind his portrayal. Mara's was absolutely perfect. She did get a lot wimpier in the NJO! The Mara Jade Skywalker - Very Good Assassin and Jedi Master part was hilarious - exactly what she would say. I feel sorry for all of the poor NJO authors once Mara finds them. And what ever happened to Danni? She had such promise! And why is Tendra so invisible??? (Sorry, that was completely off the subject...)

I must say, Luke's would be interesting... I was rather disappointed with his portrayal in many of the books. I thought the Force Heretic books and TUF were nice to him, though. The beginning almost mutilated his personality.

 

That was so Mara...Brilliant.

 

That was GREAT! It was so hilarious all of them, but especially the Mara one. The ending with the Very Good Assassin part was a stroke of pure genius! That was such excellent work, one of the best humor fics on this site!

 

That was really good! And so true.

NYC

 

Hey just linked over here.

These are GREAT!!! Can't wait for more.