Saga Saga - ST Beyond the Saga Lord of the Rings but Kylo Ren is there for some reason

Title: Lord of the Rings but Kylo Ren is there for some reason
Author: gizkaspice
Timeframe: During the Force Awakens; During Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
Characters: Kylo Ren, his cat Blackie, and Middle Earth characters from Tolkien's world
Genre: Parody, Comedy
Summary: Kylo Ren finds a mysterious wardrobe aboard the Supremacy and discovers the world of Middle earth--a place where he meets many fascinating creatures and characters who, quite frankly, just want him to go away. This is part of the continuous adventures of Kylo Ren visiting different dimensions and annoying the people that inhabit them. The Cat, the Kylo, and the Wardrobe is where he visits the "Legends" world and annoys Mara Jade; and of course, traveling back in time to annoy Mando. This will be a series of short stories that are there just for fun. Yes, I know--this is stupid and whatever or something. Enjoy!


Chapter 1: The Shire

Kylo Ren was wandering around the Supremacy when suddenly he came across a janitor’s closet with a sign that read “STAY OUT” with an angry Snoke icon. Blackie, his black kitten, jumped off his helmet and began scratching at the door.

“No, Blackie,” said Kylo, pulling the kitten back. “Supreme Leader Snoke will be angry at us if we go inside..”
Still, the little kitten was persistent and he continued to scratch at the door until it opened, and the duo entered the mysterious room….

There they saw a broom, a broken iron droid, Snoke’s extra pair of golden slippers, an exclusive Millicent the Cat plush toy, and right in the middle of the room many large, cat-decorated wardrobes. One of the wardrobes was engraved with some kind of Elvish markings and looked ancient as spider webs covered it.

"Huh, looks interesting."

Its doors creaked open and the kitten jumped inside. Kylo followed and momentarily got stuck with his butt sticking out as he tried to fit inside, and finally disappeared into a black void……

*****

The hobbit, Bilbo Baggins of the Shire, was admiring his shiny dinner plates when something, or rather, someone, fell out of his closet all of a sudden.

"Oh my, what was that noise?" wondered Bilbo as he grabbed his walking stick warily. "Who's there?! Show yourself!"

"Mrrhmmm," mumbled a black masked man who stood up and hit his head on the ceiling. "Ow! God damn it, why is this place so small!?"

"It's a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort," explained Bilbo. "The name is Bilbo, Bilbo Baggins. And who are you? And why were you in my closet?"

"I'm Kylo Ren," said Kylo, rubbing his helmet. His kitten, Blackie crawled out from under his hood and sat on his shoulder. "Kylo Ren, grandson of Darth Vader," he corrected himself as he read the manual of how to introduce oneself in the world of Middle-earth. "I'm from another dimension. You wanna see my cat?"

"Uh....I'll get back to you on that, Mr. Kyle," said the hobbit before backing away, right into the wizard, Gandalf, who was standing behind him. "Gandalf! Thank goodness you're here! There's...some strange person who fell out of my closet. I'm scared, petrified."

Suddenly, Kylo Ren grumbled angrily, igniting his lightsaber, huffing and puffing angrily. “IT’S KYLO REN, FOOL!”

Fearful of the strange man destroying his beloved plates and cups, the hobbit apologized quickly. "I'm sorry, Mr. Kylo Ren! My mistake for getting your name wrong. Please, just spare my home!"

Kylo turned off his lightsaber and put it back on his belt just as he was about to destroy the small creature's tea cup collection. "No problem. Happens all the time."

The hobbit breathed a sigh of relief. Gandalf raised an eyebrow, not sure what was happening. "Who are you, stranger? Are you a man, an elf? A servant of the Dark Lord!?"

"I'm Kylo Ren."

"......that doesn't answer the question...."

Kylo saluted before jumping back into the closet. "Adios."

"Did you see, Gandalf? Did you see? That black cat of his was....was..."

"Peeing on him?" Gandalf finished the hobbit's question. "Yes, and he did not care. He did not care."

******
To be continued.....

 

This is great fun. I want to see more of Kylo and his cat in middle-earth

 

Thanks for reading and commenting! I'm glad you think it's fun. There are many more adventures of Kylo and his cat right here in the next chapter

Chapter 2: Riddles in the Dark

Kylo Ren thought he had returned to his own world, but instead he appeared in a dark, slimy cave that smelled of fish.

Gollum, Gollum....

"I have a bad feeling about this," said Kylo to his cat who sat fearfully on his helmet. A small creature crawled out from under a rock and approached them. Kylo rested his hand on his lightsaber. "What the hell are you?"

"Is it lost?" asked the creature, Gollum. "Is it tasty? Is it scrumptious? Is it crunchable? Ah, it has a catsy. Tasty little thing, give it to us!"

Kylo ignited his lightsaber and pointed it towards the pathetic creature. "You touch one hair on Blackie and I'll slice you apart, limb by limb."

"Hisssss," whined Gollum as he quickly crawled away and curled up in fetal position. "Turn it off! Its light burns us, it burns us!"

"What are you supposed to be? Some kind of Jar Jar Binks imposter?" said Kylo, rolling his eyes, turning off his lightsaber. He could easily kill this stupid thing with the Force if he wanted to. "Now tell me how I get out of here before I get angry. I have a short temper."

"What's Jar Jar, precious? What's Jar Jar, eh??" asked Gollum, then corrected himself. "Mustn't make it angry....it has a stinging blade, my love. Gollum, Gollum."

"Will you just shut up already?" warned Kylo, now getting impatient. "Who are you even talking to?"

Gollum stared at Kylo suspiciously. "Not you! Tell us your name first!"

"I'm Kylo Ren, grandson of Darth Vader."

"Nasty Kylos......" mumbled Gollum in disgust.

Kylo rolled his eyes. "Whatever, weird dude. This place smells like a dump. How about we play a riddle game? If I win, you show me how to get out of here."

"He wants out, does he? A game of riddles, it is. And if he loses, we eats it. We'll go first!"

Kylo Ren knelt down to meet the creature eye to eye, sending shivers down his spine. "I'll go first. I always.....go first."

Gollum gulped fearfully. "Yes, yes. Kylos goes first. Kylos always goes first."

He stood up and sat on a nearby rock that was clean. Meantime, Blackie wandered off and caught a big fish before bringing it back and devouring it, making even Gollum jealous that a kitten caught fish better than he did. "I am in the grain group. I am long and stringy and you can put sauce on me. What am I?"

Gollum scratched his head in thought. "Worms? Worms, it is!"

"It's spaghetti. Not something that even exists in your world."

Gollum narrowed his eyes at him. "Nasty Kylos....It tricks us! We hates it!"

"Hahaha," laughed Kylo before jumping back into the void with his cat, hoping this time it led to the Supremacy. "I'm getting out of here, no thanks to you. Adios, loser!"

And just like that, he disappeared again.....

******
To be continued.....

 

Gollum and Blacky with Kylo that's great. And with the game and how Gollum speaks. You do a fun job in this. Jar Jar and Gollum What comes next?

 

Thanks so much and I'm glad you think so! This was a fun entry to write because Gollum is fun to write (pair that up with Kylo and it's a weird combination).
What comes next? Good question....I think Kylo will start annoying some high profile people

Chapter 3: The Council of Elrond

"Strangers from distant lands, friends of old, you have been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor, but....an unexpected guest has appeared that has oddly rolled out of my closet that must be addressed first."

The half-elf, Elrond of the Elven town, Rivendell, was referring to the black masked man sitting on the stand where Frodo Baggins had just placed the One Ring on and now his butt was covering it from sight.

"Hi," said Kylo, waving and swinging his legs just as Blackie shifted his eyes suspiciously at everyone gathered at the council meeting.

Gandalf closed his eyes and sighed. "He's here now..."

"Who?" asked Frodo.

"Kylo Ren...."

Elrond continued. "He is called Kylo Ren. He claims to be from another world, far different than ours, where technology is beyond our comprehensive and people travel in spaceships. He can use something called the "Force.""

Boromir of Gondor stroked his chin in thought. "Perhaps we could use Kylo Ren in our battle against Sauron? His powers could prove useful to us to defeat the armies of Mordor."

"Who's this Sauron you're talking about? Someone I should be friends with?" asked Kylo.

"Don't give him ideas," whispered Gandalf. "Don't give him ideas..."

"No," said Elrond sternly. "He wouldn't like you."

"You sound like a lot of fun to be around with," mumbled Kylo sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

Blackie the black kitten jumped off his owner's helmet and wandered around and the council members pet him. He ate a bug and then wandered back over to Kylo.

“You guys wanna get to know Blackie, my cat?” asked Kylo while taking the kitten into his arms and accidentally showing them the cat's butt. “She’s called Blackie cause she’s black, like the Dark Side and Darth Vader. It’s a cool color.”

"That cat is a male cat," said Aragorn as the cat now jumped onto his lap. He held up the cat and displayed Blackie's butt clearly to the other man. "Can your eyes not see, Kylo? Familiar sight, maybe?"

"Blackie's just special. She has these radio transmitters to help her navigate the world. Many have tried to take away her manhood. All have failed. They were fools for trying."

Elrond just sighed now. "I have told you that there's no strength left in the world of Men. It is now filled with stupidity."

"He is no man," huffed Boromir in laughter, almost falling off his seat. "He doesn't even know his own equipment! Did your parents not give you a talk about sex education? Do you not know the differences between that of a man and a woman?"

Samwise Gamgee covered Frodo's ears instinctively. "Don't listen to this nonsense, Mr. Frodo. I'll protect your innocent, virgin ears."

"Sam, we learnt all this in hobbit school years ago," said Frodo, rolling his eyes. "It's nothing new; I assure you."

"And we're learning it no more, Mr. Frodo! I'll save you--I'll protect you--from all this adult conversation!" Frodo grumbled under his breath annoyingly in response.

"Your cat is peeing on you," announced Aragorn suddenly, seeing yellow liquid dripping from the masked man's helmet.

Kylo shrugged. "Yeah, she does that sometimes."

Gandalf face-palmed, shaking his head. "And he does not care...he does not care..."

"There is only one option: we must get rid of Kylo Ren," announced Elrond finally, standing up. "He is a burden on our world and must return to his own!"

Boromir face-palmed. "One does not just get rid of Kylo Ren......"

"Allow me!" said the dwarf, Gimli, as he raised his axe and rushed at the man, preparing to strike. But a strange force field threw Gimli away before the axe even touched Kylo and it broke in half.

Elrond sighed. "You cannot destroy Kylo Ren. I have heard rumours that suggest only the kiss of a girl from Jakku can kill him."

"And where is this girl!?" demanded Gimli, bouncing back up. "Let's bring her here and have her kiss him!"

"Enough!" warned Elrond. "There will be no thoughts of murder in Imladris!"

"Getting really close to that," mumbled Gimli under his breath.

"Wait," said Frodo, turning to the wizard. "Where is the ring? Is he....still sitting on it?"

Gandalf sighed. "I'm afraid so."

"Can Sauron see his....."

"....Butt?" finished Sam.

"Alright, now both of you stop your foolishness!" warned the wizard before turning to Kylo sternly. "Kylo, wherever you come from, you must return back. You cannot be in our world!"

"I'll leave when I feel like it, old man," replied Kylo as Blackie jumped back on his shoulder.

"The council cannot continue with this fool disrupting our discussion of the One Ring," announced Elrond. "I suggest to give him some space--perhaps he will get bored and leave on his own peacefully?"

Kylo looked over at his "atlas of Middle-earth" book, found some good contact information, and then suddenly disappeared with Blackie in a shower of sparkles.

"Oh, those were some nice fireworks Mr. Kylo made for us," said Sam.

Gandalf gasped, guessing where the idiot had gone next to. "Fool of a took! Now he's going to annoy Sauron!"

"You make it sound like that's a bad thing," commented Elrond.

"Or he will recruit Kylo Ren, corrupt him to become one of the Nazgûl," argued Aragorn. "We might be in trouble."

"Does that mean we'll need to deal with him again later?" mumbled Boromir angrily.

"More importantly, is the ring still here?!" asked Gandalf suddenly, then saw the One Ring still on the stand and breathed a sigh of relief, thinking it had been stuck on Kylo's pants and would have been brought directly to the Dark Lord.

Frodo glanced around uncertainly before speaking. "Uhm...might it be a good idea for the ring to air out a bit? Just out of precaution."

******
To be continued.....

 

Nice to see him at Elrond's place. But where will he appear next? Big Trouble?

 

We'll have to see where he ends up! Big trouble for someone...that's for sure...

Chapter 4: The Dark Lord

Kylo Ren stumbled out of a strange closet and rolled out, seeing a nice, ordered, but flaming room with fine bone china tea mugs and a coffee table that was obsidian-black. Even the paperclips were ordered alphabetically. A tall, dark figure clad in spiky silver armour sat at a typewriter next to some cat figurines.

"Hi. Are you the Dark Lord Sauron?" asked Kylo.

"I don't like being called that. Call me Mairon," said the Dark Lord, too busy to care for the stranger at the moment.

"Okay, MYRON. I'm Kylo Ren, grandson of Darth Vader. I'm from another dimension and I'm kind of just exploring my career options in the Dark Side. I see we are both fond of awesome looking helmets and outfits so that's pretty cool."

"Darth Vader?" asked Sauron, pondering. "Name seems familiar from a committee meeting."

"You wanna get to know Blackie, my cat?” continued Kylo while taking the kitten into his arms and accidentally showing the Dark Lord the cat's butt. “She’s called Blackie cause she’s black, like the Dark Side and Darth Vader. It’s a cool color.”

"You might want to double check on that," suggested Sauron.

He noticed the Dark Lord was writing something. "What are you writing, MYRON?"

"My fanfiction," answered Sauron at his typewriter. "It's called "Lord of the Rings," but now I have to add to the title, 'but Kylo Ren is there for some reason.'"

Kylo Ren shrugged. "Tough times for sure. You gotta do what you gotta do."

"There's a department meeting in a few minutes; perhaps you'll like to join?" suggested the Dark Lord as he led Kylo to the doorway which had a blazing eye icon on it which is where the meeting was being held. "Might give you a sense what we do around here."

***
The Council of Evil sat around the round table which consisted of the Mouth of Sauron, a mortal man serving under the Dark Lord, and the nine Ringwraiths including the Witch-king of Angmar who was their leader and wore a spiky helmet.

"Everyone, I'd like to introduce you to Kylo Ren," began the Dark Lord as he sat in the center with the black kitten beside him. "Kylo is from another dimension and a Dark Side warrior who is exploring his career options."

The Mouth of Sauron turned to Kylo. "Ahh, I bid thee welcome. Thy career options are many for thee to discover."

"Okay, not sure what language that was in but whatever, ugly dude," said Kylo, shrugging."You guys wanna hear about my annoying co-worker? His name is Hux and he has this stupid fat cat that leaves surprises in my shoes named Millicent."

"No," hissed the Witch-king under his helmet in a deep bellow.

"Wow, you seem like the light of the party," said Kylo, rolling his eyes.

"Be certain that I can extinguish your light if you do not keep silent," warned the Nazgûl.

"Be certain that I can stick my lightsaber up your ass if you piss me off," warned Kylo.

"OK. Can we stop arguing back there? Moving on to today's agenda," began Sauron. "How's progress in finding my ring?"

"Slow," said the Witch-king, stirring in his seat. "The Nazgûl need new steeds. Flying ones would be ideal."

"Why flying steeds?" asked Kylo. "The Nazgûl should be riding motorcycles and wearing sunglasses. Hunting for the One Ring in style."

"Not in this year's budget," said Sauron as Blackie helped him through the budgeting spreadsheets by tapping at the documents with a paw. "All we can afford is 9 flying beasts that smell bad. How about that?"

"I suppose that will do," agreed the Witch-king.

"Farting, flying beasts? Lame," said Kylo. "You guys should have spaceships. You could blow up the armies of Gondor entirely from the comfort of Barad-dûr."

Sauron considered that as he put his hand on the edge of his helmet where his chin might have been. "I suppose that would make dominating all life easier so I could focus more on my jewelry-making hobbies and writing fanfiction."

"Totally," agreed Kylo.

"Anyways, I was thinking maybe you could be one of my servants who stands outside the gates of Mordor and yells at solicitors and salesmen. What do you think, Kylo?" suggested Sauron.

"Sounds like a dream job," agreed Kylo. "I love yelling at people." He ignited his lightsaber and cut apart an innocent chair. "PEOPLE MAKE ME ANGRY!"

"Great. I think a dangerous idiot such as yourself will be a great asset to my army. Also, can you do me a favour and put a shirt on? Condition of the job."

"Okay," agreed Kylo, giving a thumbs up.

"And, FYI, your cat is peeing on you."

Kylo shrugged. "Yeah, she does that sometimes."

******
To be continued.....

 

Hilarious fun. Nazgul with sunglasses on motorcycles and spaceships. That should do it for Sauron. Waiting for the next part

 

I can see that definitely being more helpful locating the ring

Next chapter right here:

Chapter 5: The Salesmen

Kylo Ren stood atop the Black Gate of Mordor and overlooked the empty and sandy terrain down below. It had been hours and there was no sign of the supposed "solicitors and salesmen" that the Dark Lord mentioned. In fact, he was beginning to think Sauron was just duping him into doing mundane tasks, especially when he mentioned that afterwards Kylo could mop the floors of his fortress for the next 50,000 years.

"MYRON, if you dare trick me, I will destroy your fanfiction and then you'll have something to cry about. You better watch out," warned Kylo, shaking a fist in the air.
Then a voice from below caught his attention. He peered down and saw a pair of men on horseback waving to him.

"Hello there. Can we talk to Mr. Sauron?" cried the men below. "We are salesmen from South Gondor. We've been trying to reach him about his volcano's extended warranty."

Kylo grumbled under his helmet. "Salesmen." He looked down at them and bellowed from below: "The Dark Lord has no use for your 'extended warranty." The volcano is fine as it is. Be gone from here!"

"Perhaps he'll be interested in our migrating coconuts instead? We have a sale going on currently: buy one, get one free."

"We have no use for your foolish products. If you do not leave, we will kill you."

"Perhaps you'll like a new doorbell? There are many styles and colours to choose from for your scary-looking gate."

Kylo clenched his fists and turned to his Orcs on patrol duty. "I want every arrow that we have to fire on those men! Prepare the catapults!"

The Orcs obeyed, aiming their bows at the men below and a shower of arrows flung down on them.

"More," demanded Kylo, turning to the trolls responsible for the catapults. "MORE!" The trolls gulped and quickly loaded the catapults with more rocks, flinging them down below.

"MORE! MORE! MORE!" roared Kylo, jumping up and down in anger before the Orcs finally ran out of arrows to shoot with.

The cloud of dust below slowly faded, revealing the two men still in tact, one pulling an arrow from his shoulder casually. "Well, that was strange," said one of the salesman. "Now we're surrounded by thousands of arrows but you somehow failed to kill us."

"And the big rocks somehow missed us, too," said the other salesman. "I guess you should try harder, you fopdoodle."

"Then allow me to come down there and finish you off myself," screamed Kylo, waving his hand to open the gates using the Force. As the Black Gate slowly opened, he appeared with lightsaber in hand. "I am Kylo Ren, emissary of the Dark Lord Sauron," said Kylo as he rode towards the salesmen on his black horse. "You have no business here in Mordor. Get lost."

"Might you benefit from knowledge how to ride a horse?" asked one of the Gondorian men. "Your horse's butt is pointing towards us."

"What?" asked Kylo, before his horse kicked him off its back and casually walked back inside the Gate.

"And now his butt is pointing towards us," said the other man's companion. "Shall we pelt it with arrows?"

"OW!" cried Kylo, pulling an arrow out of his buttock shot by one of the men and tossing it to the side. He used the pain to make himself even more angry, tapping into the Dark Side.

"Listen, Mr. Kyle, til' you buy our products, I'm afraid we will not go away," said the man who shot the arrow. "Mordor has a lot of revenue and we will gain some of it from selling useless migrating coconuts and volcano insurance."

Kylo stood up, picking up his ignited lightsaber as he glared at the two men through his helmet's visors. "IT'S KYLO REN, FOOLS!"

They watched as the dumbass angrily etched K-Y-L-O into the Black Gate using his lightsaber as he went into a full-blown temper tantrum like a 3-year old little kid. And then he started arguing with air for some reason.

"This is a little embarrassing," said one of the salesman, seeing Kylo curl up into a fetal position and cry "Darth Vader help me!'

"Shall we go?" said the other salesman, turning his horse back away from the Gate. "We will spread rumours across Middle-earth of Sauron's minions being manchildren that throw temper tantrums which will entertain many."

And with that, they left Kylo alone in the sands as he continued to argue with air and the other servants of Mordor just shook their heads in disappointment.

******
To be continued.....

 

those salesmen with their coconuts and insurance for a volcano. Hilarious. Impervious to rocks and arrows and Kylo shot in the buttock. What will his cat do?

 

This is beyond hilarious! I will never be able to read Lord of the Rings again without thinking just be glad Kylo hasn't shown up

 

We'll have to see what Blackie is up to...probably nothing good!

Thanks for reading and commenting! Now I can't read LOTR without imagining Kylo is there somewhere...in the background

Next chapter right here:

Chapter 6: Kylo's Bicycle

Blackie was busy helping the Dark Lord with Mordor's annual budgeting and learning all about evil accounting when Kylo Ren stormed into the office at the top floor of Barad-dûr, huffing and puffing angrily. He looked around the room and noticed Sauron had built complicated cat scratching posts and cat houses for Blackie and was now apparently becoming a bit cat-obsessed. Seemingly, he also discovered the existence of Millicent the cat and had ordered a lot of her merchandise and even subscribed to her newsletters.

"I did what you told me to do: guard the Black Gate of Mordor against solicitors and salesmen. A bunch of salesmen shot me in the butt with arrows and now my butt hurts. Good news is that the salesmen went away."

"My servants informed me you also etched K-Y-L-O into the Gate to inform my enemies of your annoying presence. I think that should keep them away from Mordor quite nicely," said Sauron at his desk.

Kylo mumbled something under his helmet. "Look, MYRON, I think we need to talk..."

"I'm kind of busy trying to take over the world and look for my lost ring right now," interrupted Sauron. "Why don't you take this complimentary fruit basket to Saruman and pester him for a while?"

Kylo grumbled. "You're going to have to give me more context who this "Saruman" guy is and why he is getting a complimentary fruit basket."

"Saruman is a wizard who resides in the fortress of Isengard. I figured since I'm the ultimate gift-giver in Middle-earth, giving him a complimentary fruit basket for making me an army worthy of Mordor is a nice gesture," explained the Dark Lord.

"And how will I get to this Isengard place? Do I get one of those cool flying dragons your Nazgûl get? That would be pretty awesome."

"No budget for that. You can use my bicycle--might need some maintenance and oiling. Haven't used it for several thousand years."

Kylo's mask's visor raised up as though he was raising an eyebrow. "Your....what? You, the Dark Lord of Mordor, rides a bicycle? You....are....freakin' kidding me, right?"

"You have a problem with that, Kylo?"

"Look, I'm not going to gift a fruit basket to some creepy wizard living in a fortress riding on your stupid bicycle. Not happening, dude."

"Fine, forget it," said Sauron casually as he continued writing at his typewriter. "I knew you wouldn't want to go on a cool adventure on an ancient bicycle Darth Vader probably once rode to work at some point in time maybe."

Kylo huffed angrily as he kicked an innocent trashcan. "What the hell, man? Now you're not letting me? I'll show you!"

"Reverse psychology, don't forget about it, Blackie," advised Sauron to the black kitten.

Blackie nodded and then narrowed his eyes, shifting his eyes suspiciously.

Kylo stormed to the doorway. "I'm heading out right away."

"Can you get my groceries on the way back while you're at it? Darth Vader would be proud of you."

"I do love my grandpa," said Kylo as he walked out with the big fruit basket to fetch the old bicycle downstairs in the storage room.

******
To be continued.....

 

a bicycle on those bumpy roads in Mordor. Will he get to Saruman in one piece with all the fruit?
Blacky is so convincing him. Sauron has a friend?

 

Oh this is rich!

 

They better do something about those roads in Mordor. Blackie is definitely having some influence here...Is Blackie really a friend or just another servant? We'll have to see!

I am glad you are enjoying it. There is more to come, so stay tuned!

Next chapter right here.

Chapter 7: Isengard

"Don't follow the lights," warned Gollum as he led the two hobbits through the Dead Marshes, which was a boggy terrian near Mordor. Frodo and Sam followed the creature until they paused, seeing something rush at them through the fog at full speed. They heard a bicycle ring.

"Is that....?"

"Kylo Ren riding on a bicycle right towards us?" Sam finished Frodo's sentence.

"OUT OF MY WAY, LOSERS!" screamed Kylo as he zoomed past them on the bicycle, making sure to splash them with the disgusting marsh water.

"Gross!" complained Sam, wiping marsh water from his face. "What a jerk!"

Gollum shook his fist at him as he sped away. "Nasty Kylos!"

As he made his way out of the Dead Marshes and towards the plains, Kylo was now riding up a very steep hill on his bicycle towards the fortress of Isengard when suddenly a spying flock of birds flew by, pelting Kylo with their droppings. "GOD DAMN IT!" cried Kylo as he fell off the bicycle and hit his knee. "Darth Vader, help me!"

After sometime complaining and destroying everything in sight with his lightsaber, he got back on the bicycle and arrived at the doorsteps of the fortress of Isengard. He heard someone singing "Duel of the Fates" from the top of the fortress.

Kylo grumbled under his helmet as he ran the doorbell. "I have a bad feeling about this...."

***

"Smoke rises from the mountain of Doom. The hour grows late and Kylo Ren rides to Isengard on a bicycle seeking to give me a gift from the Lord of Mordor. For that is why you have come, is it not?"

"Whatever, weird dude. Are you Saruman?" asked Kylo.

"That I am," said the wizard dressed in white as he sat on his throne. "You may call me Saruman the White, but I prefer Saruman of Many Colours." And there suddenly his robes were flashing colours like a Christmas Tree.

"Okay, hippe, I got a delivery for you from Mordor," said Kylo. "Where do you want this fruit basket?"

"Well, put it in that corner with the others, I suppose."

Kylo Ren did as he was told, throwing the fruit basket along with the others in the corner that were gathering fruit flies. "Here you go. I'll be on my way."

"I know who you are," said Saruman ominously before Kylo left. "You are the grandson of Anakin Skywalker, the one who would become Darth Vader."

Kylo turned around, keeping his hand on his lightsaber. "How do you know this, old man? Talk."

"I see you have inherited much of his anger," continued the wizard as he stood from his throne. "I have been watching you, Kylo. You are stuck in Middle-earth now, unable to find your way home."

"Who are you?"

"I was once known in your world as Count Dooku."

******
To be continued.....

 

Hilarious meeting the hobbits, Gollum and Saruman, revealing more
Dooku that's really something for Kylo.

 

WOW! I never saw that coming, Dooku = Saruman

 

Thank you! Yup...more Dooku for Kylo coming up!

I mean, who would have known, right!??

Next chapter right here:

Chapter 8: Ex-Dooku

"While lost in my books, I found your world one day through a strange portal in my closet and was curious about it. I arrived at your world and lived as a man named Count Dooku, trained as a Jedi by Master Yoda.

I trained Qui-Gon Jinn, perhaps you may know of him? But then, seeing the corruption of the Jedi Order and the Republic, I founded the Separatists. Then I met Paplatine and became a Sith. Didn't work out too well as he betrayed me and ordered your grandfather to murder me. My spirit returned to Middle-earth where I resumed the form of a wizard."

"Oh yeah. I think I probably heard about you from a book I read," said Kylo.

"I doubt it," said Saruman. "You don't look like the kind who can read."

"Watch it, space wizard," warned Kylo. "I'm Darth Vader's grandson. I'll murder you a second time if you get on my bad side."

Saruman rolled his eyes. "Oh, I'm sure you would try.....and lose instantly. Tell me, what has happened since I left your Galaxy? Are the Jedi and Sith still in existence?"

"They're dead," said Kylo. "There's still one Jedi left but I'm trying to hunt him down and kill him. Been tough. The First Order has risen from the ashes of the Galactic Empire. We are young and ambitious, unlike the old fools of the past. We'll rule the Galaxy."

"Ah, yes, now I understand," said Saruman. "Now some punk kids are trying to take over the Galaxy and you're cosplaying as Darth Vader. How embarrassing. Well, good luck failing."

Kylo ignited his lightsaber immediately. "I told you not to piss me off, wizard!"

Saruman only had to reach out his hand for the lightsaber to get pulled out of Kylo's hand into his. He promptly turned it off. "Let's not resort to violence so quickly, shall we? As Dooku I was a man of culture. You, however, are uncivilized. And as Sauron's delivery boy, you should have better manners around your elders."

Kylo glared at him beneath his helmet but decided to comply, seeing that the wizard was more powerful than he was. "I completed my task. I have no further use to talk to you, ex-Dooku."

Kylo turned suddenly and saw a round, crystal ball on the standing table that caught his eye. It glowed a pale, fiery orange.

"This is called a palantir," explained the wizard, hovering his thin fingers over it. "I use it to communicate with Mordor. It seems that someone is calling."

******
To be continued.....

 

LOL Saruman telling Kylo that he is just a punk kid and getting the lightsaber with ease. That's quite the opposite from where he was Dooku and killed by Anakin/Darth Vader/grandfather.
Who is sending a message?

 

Oh, this is great!

Every time I read the "he did not care, he did not care", I imagine it as a song.

I mean, this is pretty relatable.

Working with the public, I have to say I kind of agree with him here.

Now that's a threat!

Totally canon Kylo behavior.

I literally LOL'd at this!

So he's actually a billionaire CEO of a multi-billion-dollar corporation?

Aaaah, the bicycle shenanigans! All I can picture is that scene in Napoleon Dynamite and Kylo trying (unsuccessfully) to do some sweet jumps.

Okay, why didn't Disney put this scene in one of the movies or a TV show (*cough*Book of Boba Fett, who cares about timelines and whatever*cough*)? This is such a funny visual!

Haha, sick burn, Dooku Saruman!

Your stories are always so fun to read, and I'm looking forward to more if/when you choose to share!

 

In a way, Dooku/Saruman is getting his revenge over Anakin/Darth Vader killing him so it all works out at the end

It's the Ballad of Kylo Ren!

It's canon, all of it!

Honestly, I can't imagine Sauron anything else but a CEO and Mordor is just his multi-billion dollar corporation and the Free People of Middle-earth just don't want to be micromanaged and work to death

Yes, absolutely. He will do some sweet jumps unsuccessfully, fall, hit his knee, and cry "Darth Vader help me! This is all dad's fault!" or some other nonsense.

Disney would much rather put scenes of punk biker kids on old-people bikes riding verrryyy slowly

I'm glad you like them! Next chapter is right here!


Chapter 9: The Palantir

Kylo saw a lidless flaming eye appear within the crystal ball, slowly changing form. He then saw a black kitten wearing a tiny helmet that looked very similar to the Dark Lord's and also a miniature cat armour set. It also had a golden collar around its neck with engravings that glowed.

"One Cat to rule them all,

One Cat to find them,

One Cat to bring them all,

and in the catnip bind them," said Saruman as he read the engravings on the cat's collar written in the Black Speech.

"Blackie!?" wondered Kylo out loud. "Why are you inside the crystal ball?"

"Hold on," said Saruman suddenly as he peered closer into the palantir. "It might just be Sauron shapeshifting into a cat again. He has a habit of doing that sometimes and then just sits inside a box for no reason."

Kylo stared at the palantir, seeing the cat inside it shift its eyes suspiciously. "No, that's definitely my Blackie. She has this shifty-eye medical issue."

Saruman just glared at the manchild for a moment as though he was a little bit demented. "Lord of the Earth, can you hear us? Are you a cat?"

"Blackie must have answered my palantir thinking it was a fish bowl," explained Sauron from his palantir at his fortress. "Did you want something? I'm kind of busy."

"Yo, what's with Blackie and the little evil fashion going on?" asked Kylo.

"Blackie is now my chief lieutenant, in command of my armies. I have full trust in him or her or them," explained the Dark Lord. "Don't take it personally, Kylo, I just think Blackie is more qualified than you are."

Suddenly, Kylo grabbed the palantir from Saruman's hands. "Mairon, listen to me. Blackie is too young to be leading your armies. If the enemy captures her, they will take her to a vet and have her radiotransmitters removed, essentially removing her manhood. Her radiotransmitters help her navigate the world! She'll be lost without them and she will never grow up to be the beautiful woman-cat that she was meant to be."

Sauron turned to the wizard. "What brand of hallucinogenic mushrooms has he ingested? You can't just make this stuff up."

"How should I know?" said Saruman, rolling his eyes. "This is Kylo we're talking about. Perhaps the Ents gave him a little treat on the way to Isengard."

"No, sir, I would never take strange candy from talking trees," said Kylo Ren. "My mom told me not to."

"Great, good for you," mumbled Saruman impatiently. "My Lord, why are you keeping this idiot around? Clearly he is pathetic and an obstacle to our plans. Allow me to kill him and spare you the misery."

"Only the kiss from a scavenger girl from Jakku can kill him," said Sauron.

Kylo flipped the wizard off. "Tough luck, ex-Dooku. I'm invincible."

"Anyways, I have to go," said Sauron as he petted Blackie. "I have a lot of things to do today: meetings, supervising tortures, strategic planning, and Blackie still needs to complete their 'Dark Lord 101 Leadership and Military Planning' micro-certificate. Kylo, I expect to see you in my office for your next assignment."

"Okay, but Blackie is a girl so that certificate should say, "Dark Lady" just for FYI," agreed Kylo as the palantir was turned off from Mordor's end. He accidentally dropped the one he was holding on the wizard's foot who was now hopping on one leg in pain angrily around the room.

"Out, impudent pest!" demanded Saruman as he used his staff like a hockey stick to blast him out through the window which, somehow through sheer force perhaps, made him fly all the way back to the land of Mordor.

******
To be continued.....

Note: credit for brand of hallucinogenic mushrooms comment goes fully to the wonderful @Chyntuck who said that somewhere in a previous fanfic of mine because I found it very appropriate here

 

Hilarious, Blackie with the ring. Is it a ring of power? Kylo back in Mordor, what will his next assignment be?

 

Loved the snark and the one cat to rule them all bit.

 

I will admit that the whole "Blackie with the ring" thing was totally inspired by a depiction of Tevildo the Cat Lord who appeared in Tolkien's the "Book of Lost Tales" who was kind of originally supposed to be placeholder for Sauron or something

I'm glad you enjoyed the snark as much as I enjoyed writing it

Next chapter right here:

Chapter 10: Saving Blackie

Gandalf the wizard returned to Minas Tirith, which was the capital city of Gondor and a huge fortress embedded in the plains.

"I have terrible news to report," he said to the others remaining in the fellowship as he rode on Shadowfax, his white horse. "I have heard rumours of Blackie being the chief lieutenant of Sauron's armies. He has.....joined forces with the Dark Lord."

Aragorn was almost in tears upon this news. "No. It cannot be. Not Blackie!"

"Not Blackie!" cried Legolas the elf as he caught Gimli who fainted upon the news.

"Blackie, what have you done? You must return to the light," said Aragorn.

"I suppose even a kitten with a pure heart as his cannot withstand evil and darkness," said Gandalf in dismay. "Perhaps Sauron tempted him with catnip."

"That must be it," agreed Aragorn. "Few cats can withstand the temptation of catnip. We must bring Blackie back to the light. He's our only hope."

Merry the hobbit stared at them for a moment. "Uhm...shouldn't we be concerned about Frodo and maybe not some random black kitten from another dimension?"

"Who?" asked Gandalf.

"Frodo! How could...how could you forget!?! He's risking his life to destroy the One Ring! Does anyone care? Anyone at all!?"

There was some quiet chatting and then silence fell.

"Anyways, we must save Blackie at all costs before he becomes Sauron's servant forever," continued Gandalf.

"This is our top priority," agreed Aragorn.

Meanwhile, Merry shifted his eyes between the wizard and everyone else. "Hello, is anyone actually listening to me?"

"Forget it, Merry, they've all become cat-crazed," said Pippin.

Gandalf turned to both of them sternly as the group rode on their horses out of the gate. "Would you two fools just be quiet? We have to save Blackie from the darkness of Mordor! Quickly now, we don't have much time---perhaps the catnip will wear off soon to talk some sense into him!"

"All of that sounded really bizzare and not quite right at all," commented Merry.

Somewhere down the road, the group stopped, seeing a lone stormtrooper wearing an orange cat hat. "Excuse me. Is this the way to the Millicent Rules! movie?"

"Wrong franchise, wrong movie," advised Gandalf.

"Wait, this is a movie?" asked Legolas. "I thought this was a book?"

Gimli glared. "The elf just broke the fourth wall!"

"It's both," said Aragorn. "But it just has cats in it and is strange."

"I suppose that is true," agreed the wizard. "It also has Kylo Ren."

"Let us not speak of that evil," commented Aragorn.

The stormtrooper watched them ride away, ignoring him. He lowered his Millicent-themed flag. "Well, alright then."

******
To be continued.....

 

This:
Merry the hobbit stared at them for a moment. "Uhm...shouldn't we be concerned about Frodo and maybe not some random black kitten from another dimension?"

"Who?" asked Gandalf.

"Frodo! How could...how could you forget!?! He's risking his life to destroy the One Ring! Does anyone care? Anyone at all!?"

Too hilarious! You would think Frodo would be the major priority.