Story [LOTR] Sauron: The Lord of the Cats (2023 Fanfiction Summer Olympics)

Title: [LOTR] Sauron: The Lord of the Cats (2023 Fanfiction Summer Olympics)
Author: gizkaspice
Timeframe: Various (some references to the Silmarillion, Rings of Power, LOTR, the Hobbit, but serioiusly you don't need to know very much to know what's going on)
Characters: Sauron, cats, Morgoth, Galadriel, and others
Genre: Mostly parody, comedy
Summary: Sauron has had many names and many forms, from Mairon (his original name), Gorthaur, Annatar Lord of gifts, Halbrand (Rings of Power stuff) and the Necromancer and having forms such as serpent, werewolf and vampire bat to the armoured Dark Lord from the LOTR movies.
There's one form Tolkien decided to abandon which honestly I think was a huge mistake--- a cat. The original "concept" of a Sauron-like character started out as Tevildo the Prince of Cats in the original draft story of Beren and Lúthien in Tolkien's the "Book of Lost Tales Part 2" (which I totally recommend!) which is a collection of generally 'non-canon' stories that are fun to read.

In this version, Sauron takes the whole "cat" stuff to a different level and because I am gizkaspice, you probably already know where this is headed, no surprises here.

Disclaimer: I am no means a Tolkien expert and I haven't read the Silmarillion in focus detail in a while. I do, however, read parts I like and take it from here.

Spoiler: Very simplified Tolkien definitions for your reading needs

First Age: The events in Tolkien's world that happened near the beginning of time

Second Age: The events in Tolkien's world that happened after Morgoth's defeat by the gods (Valar) (Also when Rings of Power takes place)

Third Age: The events in Tolkien's world that happened during LOTR/Hobbit and a bit previously I think

Valar: godlike beings (ie Melkor/Morgoth, and Aulë the Smith)

Maia (plural Maiar): A lesser angelic godlike being (examples are Sauron, Gandalf, Saruman...)

Morgoth Bauglir: Sauron's boss

Angband: Morgoth's fortress

Balrog: those big horned demon-thingamajigers in LOTR

Index:

1. Sauron, Prince of Cats (200 Freestyle: An exactly 200 word story about your character, family, friendship or couple with a free choice of any theme)
2. The Vet (400 Word Cross Country: Exactly 400 words about your character, couple, family or friendship with any theme.)
3. Cats Vs Dogs (1500 Word Dash: An exactly1500 word story about your character, family, friendship or couple with any theme.)
4. Somehow the Cat Returned (High Dive: Write a story of 500 or more words of dialogue-free introspection.)

5.The Elf and the Cat (Fantastical Fencing: A story of at least 100 words involving your character, family, friendship or couple in which something fantastical happens.)
6. The Four Types of Cat (4x100 Relay: 4x100 word drabbles of exactly 100 words each on the four types of love (affection, intimacy, friendship, and charity) as experienced by your character, family, friendship or couple in one post.)
7. Cat-Sauron Unleashed (Prime Time Coverage: Minimum 500 words of action, adventure, or excitement with your chosen character, friendship, family or couple as the star)
8. Mordor, the Land of Cats (110 Word Hurdle: Exactly 110 word story.)
9. The Temptation of Dr. Tanä (3x3 Basketball: Write 3x300 word stories. Use the prompts Synergy, Toil, and Dauntless for your triple drabbles. Each story should be exactly 300 words long).
10. The Reign of Cat-Sauron (AU Archery: A story of at least 100 words set in an alternate universe with your character, family, friendship, or couple.)

Bonus Material:
B1. The Beginning of Creation (200 Freestyle: An exactly 200 word story about your character, family, friendship or couple with a free choice of any theme)
B2. The Years of the Cats and Trees (200 Freestyle: An exactly 200 word story about your character, family, friendship or couple with a free choice of any theme)
B3. Of Lúthien, beauty products and cats (Fantastical Fencing: A story of at least 100 words involving your character, family, friendship or couple in which something fantastical happens.
B4. Of Cat Songs, Giant Mice, and Assassin Kittens (for the Meow You're Talking Challenge)
B5. Of Dr. Tanä, Morgoth's servant and patty-cakes (for the Meow You're Talking Challenge)
B6. Of Mando, Mandos and This is the Way
B7. Of Let it Meow ( Meow You’re Talking! – The Cat Challenge)
B8. The Box

 

1. Sauron, Prince of Cats (200 Freestyle: An exactly 200 word story about your character, family, friendship or couple with a free choice of any theme)
​

The First Age.

He was known as Mairon, a student of Aulë the Smith, who taught him the ways of craftsman and smithing. Now, they called him Sauron in mockery of his original name, a servant of Morgoth, his chief lieutenant and in command of his fortress, Angband, within the Iron Mountains. His dark master disliked parties within his fortress, but he was absent today.

Sauron found a band of singing and dancing cats that were playing some pretty smooth jazz which echoed in the hallways and awoke the hibernating Balrogs who also joined the party for some reason. If there was any better time to be a cat, this was it!

So, he shapeshifted into a black cat and joined the cat jazz band with some other servants who apparently also wanted to be cats. The singing cats were pretty talented, he had to admit. And they sang, “Everybody wants to be a cat!” and some pretty heavy catnip usage proceeded afterwards which led him to eventually zoning out.

The cats dispersed upon Morgoth’s arrival who was obviously enraged that his fortress was being used for a sassy, musical cat party. And now his servant needed a vet visit.

 

Now I"ve read it all, a cat jazz band. Too insanely hilarious.

 

Thank you for fixing Tolkien's mistake.


(This was delightful, btw)

 

@WarmNyota_SweetAyesha Thank you! Glad you enjoyed! And there is more to come and it will get more...uh..interesting

@UltramassiveUbersue Thank you! It was a mistake that needed to be fixed

So I usually don't post two entries on the same day....but in order to really understand the first entry, the second entry is needed before we head off to the Second Age so here is the second entry.

2. The Vet (400 Word Cross Country: Exactly 400 words about your character, couple, family or friendship with any theme.)​

Sauron was taken to the best veterinarian in Middle-earth, a woman by the name of Dr. Silmë Tanä who had her own clinic somewhere beyond the Iron Mountains. She was rumoured to be highly skilled.

“Can we solve this quickly? I have a meeting later today with an elf king that I must smite with my hammer,” said Morgoth.

Dr. Tanä examined the black cat on the examination table who the Dark Lord brought in a pet carrier. “Mr. Bauglir, it appears your pet overdosed on catnip.”

“He’s not my pet!” protested the Dark Lord. “He’s my servant! He turned into a cat and now refuses to return to his former form.”

“I want to be a cat,” protested Sauron. “Because a cat's the only cat who knows where it's at!”

Morgoth glared. “You can talk!? Then why am I speaking on your behalf?”

Sauron shifted his orange eyes suspiciously.

“There he goes again,” said the Dark Lord. “Scheming or shifty eye medical condition?”

The vet performed an ophthalmic exam on the cat and checked his reflexes. “There doesn’t seem to be anything wrong. His cornea is clear; there’s no discharge. Allow me to perform a full examination.”

“No sticking thermometers back there or I’ll bite,” warned Sauron, twitching his tail now.

“Are you aware you are a female cat?” said the vet.

“Did thou just speak of him as a ‘she’?” Morgoth helmet-palmed now. “I leave him alone for a short while and he shape-shifts not only into feline form but of the wrong sex. Idiot!”

“Nay, I’m certain I’m a male cat,” argued Sauron. “Perhaps your source of information is outdated.”

The vet sighed and held up photos of typical cat genitalia to the cat. She then pointed to the poster in front of him of cat anatomy “Can you see, servant of Morgoth? Can you see? Unfamiliar sight, maybe?”

“Very well, you made your point!” agreed Sauron. “Now take those unsightly graphics away from me. I’m a civilized Maia.”

Morgoth glared at his servant. “Dr. Tanä, perhaps you should spay him. That’ll teach him a lesson.”

Spay him?!? The vet was glad she took her blood pressure medication this morning. She felt that this confusion about a cat’s anatomy was the spark of something worse in another dimension far from Arda. But then again, she was dealing with divine beings who were apparently a little bit stupid.

********
Notes: Silmë means "starlight" in Quenya. "Tanä" is uh...my version of "Tana" in an attempt to make it fit with Tolkien's world. Because "Dr. Silmë Tanä" is actually the Middle-earth version of Dr. Scarlet Tana from my SW cat stories where she tries to explain to Kylo Ren that his cat, Blackie, is a boy cat but here it's the opposite! Hahahah! Yes, I went there.

 

Hilarious fun with Sauron in a jazz band and now being with a female anatomy. As a Maia he should be able to change that

 

The vet is understandably frustrated.

 

Happy, happy to read of cats not familiars as in witchcraft, but jolly and up for any sort of lark. Oh that clip, classic Disney at its best. Marie was my favorite lil kitty.

And what he doesn't know won't hurt him! Much.

Perfect response. I'd predict that, a la Disney's Sorcerer, he's about to wallop Mickey'sSauron's behind, but I'm able to wait to see what Author comes up with next!

 

Ah, yes, LotR definitely needs more cats!

And we all know what the kids do when the authority figures are absent....

Free drinks and catnip? Why wouldn't they join the party?

Morgoth, what do you mean, "the wrong sex?" Excuse me, but on behalf of my gender, HEY!

If the character who has to explain cat genders to people isn't actually an archetype yet, s/he definitely should be. I mean, it seems to be happening a lot, first in the GFFA and now here....

Carry on!

 

Sounds like a good time!

Poor Dr. Tanä. She gets no peace in any universe.

Fantastic start, and I can't wait to see what's next!

 

I never knew that there was a cat-Sauron concept in Tolkien's notes, but I'll take it as an omen that the existence of this thread was preordained by none other than Eru Ilúvatar himself.

And, well, I have to say that Female Cat Sauron singing Everybody Wants To Be A Cat and overdosing on catnip isn't something I ever expected to need in my life, but now that it's here, I don't know how I could live without it until now.

Also, something about the name Silmë Tanä felt familiar, but when I read this...

... I realised that we'd met before.

And now I'm curious to see if Cat Sauron will be leaving things in people's shoes or peeing on their helmets. I mean, if the space-time continuum is being disrupted already, anything is possible, right?

 

Thanks everyone who read and commented. I was not expecting so much interest and enthusiasm for this story and I greatly appreciate it! Thanks for your kindness

The fact that Tolkien is all about music and the world came into being with music makes it appropriate that Sauron is in a jazz band---no raised eyebrows here, right?? And yes I guess he could do that and maybe this time gets it right (although the concept of a male Maia being female and visa versa was something Tolkien never explored sadly and I think is quite interesting).

Like @amidalachick said....

I enjoy torturing my OCs

The Aristocats is a great film!! They don't make it like that anymore...

Honestly, I think Morgoth walloped Sauron's behind on more than one occasion. Tolkien didn't really give a lot details what exactly Sauron was doing in the First Age so I can imagine he probably got into trouble here and there which makes for great fun and that's what fanfic are for! Thanks for reading--there is definitely more to come!

Honestly it should have just BEEN about cats

Honestly, I wasn't really considering the double meaning of this quote but now somehow it actually fits Morgoth quite well because well, he hates everything.

The Cat Sex Educator?

The Cat Sex Educator: this archetype is often present in stories involving cats. At some point, one character takes a cat to a veterinarian (often with some variation of the last name "Tana") and the vet becomes "the cat sex educator" and tries to convince one or more characters that the cat is not a female (or male) and is actually a male (or a female) but the other character disagrees no matter how much evidence they are shown otherwise. This usually results in the vet face-palming.

So technically, there isn't a direct "cat-Sauron" anywhere in Tolkien's notes, but there is a prototype of a Sauron-like character (named Tevildo) who is a cat and somewhere down the line Sauron takes the place of Tevildo (who is never mentioned again), which to me honestly just summarizes that the character of Sauron was originally supposed to be a cat but I guess Tolkien decided that was silly or something like that. Or maybe he just didn't like cats... I mean, he also wrote in one of his letters to someone that "Siamese cats belong to the fauna of Mordor" which just confirms there are cats in Mordor and gives me an excuse to write about THAT NOW, DOESN'T IT!?

It's like one of those random things you find in your closet and you're like "how did I live without you until now!?"

Wellll.......I don't know about that. I feel like that's a Blackie™ thing, but I mean, Sauron was a jerk and likes being a cat now so I'm pretty sure he went around and did that to Morgoth's enemies or something....Ughh should that be an entry!? There will be some pee in the next one though.

Thanks again for your lovely comments--so glad people are enjoying this and there will be more fun things to come

Next entry will be posted shortly.

 

Next entry right here but before that....

Context (if you want to read it): Below entry is based on the love story of Beren and Lúthien. Long story short, to win Lúthien's marriage, her father dares Beren to get a Silmaril (a type of gem) from Morgoth's crown. This leads to Beren being captured by Sauron along the way and imprisoned in the fortress of Tol-in-Gaurhoth. Lúthien goes looking for him with a dog named Huan. In the Silmarillion, Sauron is the lord of werewolves and fights Huan as one. In the "Book of Lost Tales Part 2" , a similar thing happens except that Tevildo, the lord of cats, fights Huan in a cat vs dog fight. In this version, everything is mixed together and revised as according to the grand gizkaspice plan

Updated Definitions:
Valinor: Realm of the Gods (the Valar)
Nekomata: In Japanese mythology, a nekomata is a type of malevolent demonic cat. They have powers of shapeshifting and necromancy. They have forked tails (unlike the bakeneko, which have one tail).

Word count: 1500

3. Cats Vs Dogs (1500 Word Dash: An exactly1500 word story about your character, family, friendship or couple with any theme.)
​

Lúthien, the beautiful daughter of Melian and King Elu Thingol, approached the bridge of Tol-in-Meoihoth* which was a fortress that was also known as the Isle of Werecats. She was worried about her love, Beren, who had ventured towards Angband to steal a gem from Morgoth's crown and was now missing in action. The fortress was located mid-way and she was sure he had passed through it.

She approached the bridge and saw a kitten sitting all alone at the entrance to the stronghold. She reached out a hand to comfort it. "Poor creature, why is thou all alone in this darkness?"

The kitten reared its head, revealing an open mouth full of large teeth and if the elf maiden had not quickly pulled her hand away, she would have been bitten. Lúthien was suddenly surrounded by very small demonic kittenfolk, all bearing the same kind of teeth, as if a cat begot with a piranha. They were known as the ferocious kittens, the most dangerous cats in Middle-earth and for good reason. They were malicious spirits trapped in the bodies of evil kittens; a new cat breed created by Sauron.

"Welcome to our lands," said the kitten leader in a very deep masculine voice for some reason. "I will take thee to my master. Perhaps thy fate will be better than that fool we have captured."

The elf maiden knew who he (or she?) was referring to, feeling a heaviness in her heart. "Beren!"

"Is that his name? Well, now he shall chase mice for eternity in my master's dungeons and it will entertain us for a while until naptime.” The ferocious kittens closed in, their jaws snapping in warning like bear traps (although, they didn’t really seem that ferocious or dangerous).

Lúthien was more concerned the angry kittens would nip at her feet and she figured that would probably be slightly unpleasant because she just painted her toenails a nice azure blue which fit her blue dress nicely. And she spent hours painting them and now they would be terribly ruined and somehow this upset her more than the fact she was surrounded by evil demonic kittens. All of those huckleberries will now go in vain, she thought. And I spent so much time crushing them into a perfect paste and now all will be ruined! Alas!

And those special blue huckleberries were only found near the sea of Helcar, planted there centuries ago by some elf noble nobody remembered the name of. They were round like marbles and azure-blue and had all the characteristics of a huckleberry, except that most huckleberries in Arda were not really blue except this one specifically that Lúthien used to make blue toenail polish with.

Anyways, back to the story at hand.

Just before the kittens attacked, a great wolfhound pounced before the kittenfolk and scared them away with a long growl. The evil cats scrambled away back into the darkness in terror except one who ran back into the fortress at lightning speed.

The wolfhound was called Huan, the hound of Valinor, and he was as big as a horse. His grey fur shimmered in the moonlight and he turned to the maiden and said: "Don't worry. We'll find our friend but I sense this battle has just begun. Fate will determine the victor."

“That kitten had a weird manly voice,” said Lúthien casually. “Do you think Dr. Silmë Tanä taught them about proper cat sex education?”

“Thanks for the reminder,” said Huan. “I need to follow up with her about my annual vaccination. It’s a bit difficult to note that down when you don’t have opposable thumbs!”

“Already on it,” said Lúthien, pulling out her mini-calendar and pen from the pocket in her dress.

Meanwhile……

The messenger kitten sped towards the Throne room where it found its master. Sauron, now in a fair and attractive human form with cat ears, was sitting upon his Throne chair which was engraved with beautiful wooden cat artwork and had a strange Rococo art style to it.

And he was dressed in soft and silky cat-themed robes and many of his cat servants lounged around lazily around the room while he was reading the latest newsletters on cat fashion and cat accessories to fill within his fortress in an orderly and coordinated manner.

He wore a cat-themed crown with cat-shaped gems. His cat servants were also cat-shaped and one of them threw up a cat-shaped hairball. Even the floor had cat decorations, right down to the miniature details in the tiles which were also cat-shaped. Some other servants of Morgoth thought he was taking the whole cat thing to ridiculously worrisome OCD levels and they were probably right. But he was the Lord of the Cats and his title was well-deserved.

The messenger kitten stopped in front of her master. "Lieutenant, there is a maiden and her dog outside these doors! We have tried to capture them but, alas, we ferocious kittens are no match for the hound of Valinor!"

Sauron stood and a bag of cat treats fell from his lap which was quickly devoured by some of his servants. He dodged stepping into another hairball with his cat-shaped golden slippers which was common practice in the tower.

He glanced outside the window and saw the daughter of Melian singing to the hound a random song about picking blue huckleberries or something like that. And while he could not deny that her voice was beautiful, he believed that his singing of “Everybody wants to be a cat!” was actually far more impressive and he stood by that quite frankly.

"What greater rival there is to a cat than a dog? I will have to deal with this mutt personally,” said Sauron. He knew there was a prophecy: Only the greatest cat who ever lived could kill Huan and so he would be just that.

He changed his form into a nekomata, a large and malicious demonic cat with a forked tail and large orange eyes. And in this form, he was terrible and sent fear into every creature that set eyes upon him and he would kill Huan the hound of Valinor. When he appeared, the wolfhound and maiden were afraid and momentarily backed away.

"Lo, dog! Behold, I am the greatest cat that has ever lived," said Sauron. "Let’s see you challenge me now.”

“We’ll see about that, cat,” replied the great hound.

Then Huan leapt towards his feline rival. Tooth and claw met and there was a lot of hissing as the ancient battle raged and would be settled today once and for all. Cat-Sauron whipped the dog off his feet with his forked tail but Huan rose up again and sprang forward towards his enemy, now more determined than ever.

Huan made his way towards the throat but Cat-Sauron was faster and unsheathed his claws, sending him backwards with a bloody nose.

With the dog down, he turned to the maiden and leapt towards her with extended dagger-like claws and a wide gape filled with pointy teeth. Lúthien could smell the foul vapour of his breath which was something like evil-flavoued tuna.

She gagged at the cat breath and threw upon him her magical cloak which halted him in his tracks and made him temporarily drowsy. Somehow, it also messed up his shapeshifting abilities and he now turned into a small domestic cat, shifting his eyes suspiciously. In his arrogance, he had thought he could trick the prophecy for he was not the greatest cat that ever lived but a Maia that could only turn into one.

Huan took his chance and now a chase began around and around until he sent the evil cat up a nearby tree. Upon seeing the hound’s open snout filled with snapping teeth from below, he peed himself out of sheer fear. And then laughter proceeded.

"Poor cat. I guess Morgoth never really potty trained him," said Lúthien casually. “Or would that be litter-box trained?”

"HA. HA," laughed the dog a toothy laugh that echoed into the night and made other things laugh, like bats and owls nearby who had no idea what was going on.

Lúthien walked up to the tree and pointed at the cat in warning: “We will spread rumours across Middle-earth that Morgoth’s greatest servant was chased up a tree by a dog and then peed himself which will entertain many."

"No!" protested the cat.

"Very well," said the maiden. "Then abandon this fortress so we can save our friend. I give thee two options.”

Sauron agreed with a meow and then fled down the tree, now turning into some weird flying cat-bat thing that accidentally hit a nearby tree before flying clumsily away down a hill.

Too humiliated and fearful to return to Morgoth, least he be punished for his embarrassing defeat at the paws of a dog, he hid in the nearby forest. There he would stay for many years, shifting his eyes suspiciously and biding his time.

********
Notes:
1. *Tol-in-Gaurhoth means "Isle of Werewolves" with "gaur" meaning werewolf in Sindarin. I don't think Tolkien ever made a word meaning cat in Sindarin but there is one in Qenya which is "meoi" and so "Isle of Werewolves" becomes Tol-in-Meoihoth meaning "Isle of Cats."
2. This entry was so difficult to write because I hate writing long things and OMG how do you fit 1500 words without just going full-blown Tolkien-style and describing a tree for two chapters Kudos for for the challenge and torture @devilinthedetails

 

a cat and dog fight. Hilarious with the comments and Sauron loosing the fight

 

Epic confrontation with one of my favorite characters, Luthien. She and Huan won the day.


Too funny with the toenail pedi comment.

 

You've got to be kidding me. I'm telling you, the existence of this thread was foretold.

Epic name is epic!

I laughed out loud at the Tolkien-style digression here. The only thing missing was a poem in dactylic hexameter or something, but then there was a word limit.

LOVED THE CAMEO! Doctor Tana/Tanä is officially the veterinarian of the boards, no matter the fandom.

I also loved the cross-pollination of Sauron's throne room with Finn's description of Snoke's quarters in The Pawful Truth. I don't know if anyone here has sought professional help about this cat obsession we all seem to have, but apparently it's like Covid, very contagious and constantly mutating to allow for re-infection.

And that mental image of Sauron being chased up a tree by Huan! My goodness, I laughed so hard!

And now, we know where Sauron was while waiting for the Second Age to come

 

Can there be such a thing as too much fun? *ponders while reading*

I picture Luthien's toes as perfectly polished and painted, no slopovers on the sides of her toes, no sirree! She invented the toe spreader thingy that keeps everything neat.

*holds nose* Peeyew!

 

He also loses the fight in the original and in every possible draft written by Tolkien so it was only appropriate that he cannot win in this alteration

I really do like Luthien as well and she is really cool! Fits the meme of "Pretty Cool Guy (Girl)" : I think Luthien is a pretty cool girl. She dances and makes Morgoth take a nap and doesn't afraid of anything.

I had to put the toenail pedi comment--it was the only way to reach the word limit!

In response below to a cat breeder who asked permission to use names from LOTR for her cats:

I fear that to me Siamese cats belong to the fauna of Mordor, but you need not tell the cat breeder that.
—J.R.R. Tolkien, Letter 219 (dated October 14, 1959)

From https://tolkiengateway.net/wiki/Cats



Honestly, I'm fine with Tolkien being a dog-person...it just means he accidentally gave me inspiration to write about all the cat stuff he included in his notes and make them into the stories he decided not to write!

Anyways, more on how those darn Siamese cats got into Mordor in the next entry!

I should have consulted with you before I wrote the entry..... brilliant. (And I'm so glad you enjoyed that Tolkien-style digression because I did that on purpose )

I developed quite a fondness for Dr. Tana/Tanä and now she needs to be included in more entries! Thank you for also being so fond of her!

Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed that cross-pollination of Sauron's throne room and Finn's terror being in Snoke's quarters. @Seldes_Katne 's The Pawful Truth was brilliant and it only made sense I would take inspiration from its superb use of cat obsessions, which indeed is quite contagious I mean, here I was making an initial fanfic joke with Millicent a few years ago and now it spilled into LOTR.....I fear what may come next.

Fun fact: In the Unfinished Tales, it's Tevildo that gets chased up a tree by Huan (who in Tolkien's draft is called "Captain of the Dogs" and there's this Cats vs Dogs battle). So I just revised it and made Sauron be the one who gets chased up a tree

In the Silmarillion, he also runs off into a forest and hides but after that Tolkien never writes what happens. My impression is he just continues to hide in the forest and cry for losing and never comes back to Morgoth in fear of getting his ass kicked which is what I'm going with

Nope, the fun has just begun!

YES! Now I want to write about Luthien's beauty care inventions and how they revolutionized modern Middle-earth's women's lives or something like that. Those toe spreader thingiees are the best!!

Thank you all for reading and commenting! Next entry will be up soon.

 

Context: This is now concludes the First Age (although there is probably a lot more cat stories missing from this Age). The Second Age is going to be a mix of Tolkien lore, LOTR: Rings of Power lore (That Amazon series), and gizkaspice lore. You don't need to be familiar with Rings of Power to understand the next few entries but if you are, the references within them will be just FAR more hilarious. This entry is solely from the perspective of Sauron (hence the introspection).

4. Somehow the Cat Returned(High Dive: Write a story of 500 or more words of dialogue-free introspection.)​

Second Age.

Morgoth was ultimately defeated by the Valar in a great battle and taken in chains. Sauron emerged from hiding and saw the world in ruin from the anger of the Gods and was scared.

He approached another Maia, named Eönwë, who was the herald of the Valar, and repented for his sins. He confessed to doing terrible things, such as being directly responsible for the extinction of numerous species of native birds and the torturing of prisoners with cat stories without any washroom breaks. But Eönwë could not pardon him and advised him to return to Valinor for judgement.

But being judged by the Gods was far too scary. Sauron shape-shifted into a cat and ran off into the forest again. There he dwelt and continued to ponder what to do next.

A part of him flirted with the idea of returning to the light and being good, but perhaps he was already too far down the path of darkness.

Perhaps if not for Morgoth corrupting him, he would be living in Valinor as a great smith and have his own pet business crafting massive cat towers, cat trees, cat ramps, cat condos and other furniture to satisfy feline household needs; instead, he was hiding on a tree and it was too reminiscent of that failed fight with the dog, Huan, not too long ago.

So, he decided to take a cat nap and decide later.

500 years had passed and the tree he was sleeping on had grown three times its size and the seedlings around the forest were now huge trees reaching into the sky. He saw an Ent family walk by with the tree-wife holding the hand of a smaller tree-child. That definitely was a long cat nap and apparently he had no perception of time.

He left the woods and saw the people of Middle-earth living happily together but cats were now just mere domesticated animals and not the mighty creatures they were once before. This bothered him. He decided he would become the next Dark Lord and coordinate Middle-earth as per his own feline vision.

Sauron found a stronghold in the East, a land named Mordor. He knew this was Mordor because not too long ago, a large volcanic eruption changed the Southlands into that place. He also got a big hint because the letters of the left side of the screen changed from "The Southlands" to "Mordor" exactly like the below:

​

Then he searched for allies, luring cats and cat supporters with catnip. The Siamese cats from the far east entered Mordor on their own terms without any invitations.

They often mocked the Dark Lord by singing how they were Siamese if you pleased and how they were Siamese even if you didn't please. How dare they! They were looking over their new "domicile" that was Mordor and if they liked it they would stay for quite a while. Infuriating they were, those Siamese cats, but they had their purpose.

As long as they didn't scratch his newly constructed cat tower of Barad-dûr, he would allow them to stay and multiple. The Siamese cats would do a fine job keeping away Sauron's enemies with their annoying singing and their paws containing dainty claws. Within a few years, Siamese cats would quickly become the new fauna of Mordor and would spend their days chasing rodents and singing all about their greatness, much to the annoyance of the Orcs.

Sauron now took the form of a human and journeyed towards the realm of Eriador to find the finest veterinarian for his cat followers. And because he hosted another big cat party and apparently overdosed on catnip again somehow....

********
Notes:
1. Siamese cats are from Disney's Lady and the Tramp with their "We are Siamese" song.

 

Those Siamese must be infuriating for him with their singing. And again catnip and falling asleep?

 

"Coordinate"? Is that what they're calling it now?

Say, he is a thoughtful Dark Lord!

 

Nice segue into the Second Age complete with singing Siamese.

 

Suggestion for an alternative title: "Somehow the Cat Returned".

I love how Sauron is totally cat-ified, thinking of running a pet business in Valinor, then taking a cat-nap, then deciding to conquer Middle-Earth to govern it in a feline way AND BUILDING THE CAT-TOWER OF BARAD-DUR!!!

It's very tolkienesque that his cat-nap would last five hundred years. I mean, this is the Second Age, what's a few centuries more or less?

(I have to say, I loved that episode of TRoP, but the name change on the screen took me completely out of it. Then again, I can see that not everyone who watched the series knows Tolkien's world, so I can understand why they did it, but yeah, it spoiled the moment for me.)

This whole Siamese cat sequence is so meta! I just loved how you inserted the actual quote from Tolkien's letter to the cat breeder, and the reference to Lady and the Tramp too!

So this is the real reason Sauron ever went to Eriador! Are we going to see Dr. Tanä again? Is she a long-lived veterinarian?

And since "he hosted another big cat party and apparently overdosed on catnip again somehow", my guess is we're also going to find out what he was doing on that raft!

 

Catching up on two pieces at once:

It’s the return of the Ninja Kittens! Oh, wait, no it’s not, darn it. Sorry, jumped the gun, there. Ahem. Please continue.

Because all sensible elf maids (along with every other sentient female in all the universes) have POCKETS IN THEIR CLOTHING! (All designers of women’s clothing should take notes on this!)

All of which was passed from one generation to the next after Sauron’s demise, until it ended up in the hands of Supreme Leader Snoke, who installed them all in his fortress…. Or, wait, was it the other way around? Did the events of LotR come before or after those in the Galaxy Far, Far Away? Confusing. Both were taking place so long ago. I will have to go work that out….

Well, I guess if you’ve never flown before, that’s to be expected.

Wish modern-day maps and globes here on Earth would do that every time a country decides to change its name.

Sensing a trend, here. Someone might have to stage an intervention.

Enjoying all the silliness. Write on!

 

More Siamese cat stuff later! And also more catnip and falling asleep..naps are important

I have no doubt the Siamese cats will be the REAL reason why the Fellowship of the Ring couldn't just use eagles to fly to Mordor

Sauron would call it "coordinating" but we would call it world domination..but with cats

Only when it comes to cats, of course. Cats are his most important and valuable servants

The purr-fect title was in front of me all along! (I'm changing it to that, thank you! )

I'm glad you think so as much as I enjoy writing about it
I'm also sure that after Morgoth's defeat, Sauron must have thought about his next steps before it came down to eventually taking over Middle-earth.

And those Siamese cats better not scratch it or he'll kick them out of Mordor...oh, who am I kidding? They'll kick him out of Mordor. Don't mess with the Siamese cats!

Right!? So in Tolkien-verse, Sauron really doesn't do anything for about 500 years into the Second Age which leads to the question what exactly was he doing? My headcanon says taking a catnap.

I will admit I am not a big fan of TRoP because they totally butchered the Second Age's timeline and messed up Finrod's backstory but fair enough, they did not obtain the rights to the Silmarillion, etc, etc and it's not all bad BUT that "Southlands to Mordor" Powerpoint slide was like...really bad and they should have just gotten that Half-Orc dude to say "Mordor" instead. I just had to make fun of it

I'm glad you enjoyed the Siamese cats! There will be more of them soon!

Yes to all of the above! And we will find out more in the next entry. Dr. Tanä will be a reoccurring character even into the Third Age for reasons we will find out soon

Good thinking! Yes, we are going to find out and let's say it's...um...very cat-ified

Wait a minute here...you're onto something. What if the ferocious kittens are the ancestors of the Ninja Kittens and somehow they ended up in Mando's world?! Oh no...plot bunnies!

Yes and YES! Pockets are only sensible, especially for women's clothing! I don't know if Tolkien ever wrote about women having pockets in their clothing but it's a thing now.

Good question! I think for me this is how it runs:
First Age = Sequel Trilogy
Second Age = Original Trilogy
Third Age = Sequel Trilogy

Which means that Snoke had a lot of time to install cat stuff in all of his fortresses and also ask for advice on them...or something. This needs to be a separate fanfic all on its own

Absolutely needs to be an intervention! I think there will be one in the next entry...and thank you, glad you are enjoying the silliness! It has just begun!

Next entry will be posted soon.