Author: Raissa Baiard Title: Toon Wars Era: Saga-OT Genre: humor, crack!fic, dare challenge Summary: A SW fanboy submits a script treatment to the DizNerds forum I recieved the following dare from Ewok Poet: For my good friiend Ewok Poet I hope this lives up to your toon-tastic, crack!tastic vision! DizNerds Forum >> Movies >> Rumors SWGuy: Hi, I’m new to the DizNerds. Not really a Disney fan, more of a Star Wars guy but I joined since the Mouse bought out LucasFilm. I happen to very good friends with a HIGHLY PLACED SOURCE at Disney who showed me this incredible script they’re working on! They’re planning to remake all the Star Wars starring Disney characters! My friend said not to show anyone, but I couldn’t resist giving my fellow DizNerds a sneak peek at this awesome treatment! Here’s a scene from Toon Wars: The Empire Strikes Back: INTERIOR: CLOUD CITY -- CARBON-FREEZING CHAMBER Darth Vader, a tall, stocky rooster in black armor and beaked helmet and Lando Calrissian, still Billy Dee Williams, because Lando is awesome, are on the carbon-freezing platform. Six Smurfs with piggy noses wearing gray coveralls carry in a coffinlike container, singing. SMURFNAUGHTS: La la la la la la, la la la la la! Boba Fett, a helmeted avian with a pointy beak and a wild plume of red feathers protruding from his helmet, leads squad of six stormtroopers who bring in Han a tall, gangling youth with shaggy brown hair and a prominent adam’s apple,Leia a hostile looking girl with a uni-brow and ponytails that stand straight out from her head, and Chewbacca a squat brown marsupial with bow legs, and tufts of fur like devil’s horns. Strapped to Chewie's back, with only his head, torso, and one arm assembled, is Threepio, a droid with pointy cat ears. HAN:(to Lando) Like, hey, what’s going on old buddy…old pal…old friend? LANDO: You're being put into carbon freeze. Boba Fett darts away from the group to Darth Vader, and performs a bizarre dance, popping up from around the freezing chambers, warbling: BOBA FETT: He’s no go good to me dead, dead, dead! No good! No good dead! Dead! No good to me dead! VADER: Don’t worry so much, boy! I say-- don’t worry. The Empire will compensate you if he dies-- compensate, I say. More money than you can shake a stick at-- stick, I say stick! Realizing what is about to happen, Chewie lets out a wild howl: CHEWIE: Grrrr whhhhhthhhhbpffftt bleah! He starts spinning like a miniature tornado and crashes into the stormtroopers, who go over like a set of bowling pins in a strike. They spring back up immediately and begin clubbing Chewie. He chomps off the end of one and belches a blaster bolt. His face twists into a wicked, toothy grin and he begins chasing the troopers around the stage, spitting laser fire. They yelp, grabbing their armored posteriors. HAN: Like, stop, Chewby-Doo, stop! Do you hear me? Stop! CHEWIE: (shakes head) Wheehoo ptthhh ftttt...uh-uh. HAN: Would you do it for a Chewby snack? He pulls a green box with a picture of a bone on it out of his vest and shakes it. Chewie pauses in his pursuit and his eyes light up. He spins across the platform to Han, grabs the box, empties the contents into his tooth maw and then eats the box, too. In a flash the guards have slipped binders on Chewbacca, who is too busy chewing to protest. Han turns to Princess Leia, who shoots a spitball at him. LEIA: (Scoffs.) Han. What a womp rat . What a moof-milker. What a stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder. How I hate you. And yet... (pulls a tiny, hand made Han doll from her belt pouch) I love you. Oh Han, bastion of sanity in this crazy mixed-up galaxy in which we live. When you brush past me in the corridors, my heart leaps like a hyperactive tauntaun, and I forget my chaos. How the essence of you lingers in the Falcon’s cockpit, sweetening the air from the scent of Wookiee fur. And I feel peace: true peace at last. Ohh… HAN: Zoinks! Leia punches Han for the last time, and the troopers lead him to the hydraulic platform. Suddenly, the platform drops. HAN: Chewby-Doo! HELLLLP!!!! CHEWIE: WHRRRTHHWHEEHPPPTH URRGGGH BLEEAH GRRR THPBT Instantly, fiery liquid begins to pour down in a shower of sparks and fluid as great as any steel furnace. A huge mechanical tong lifts the steaming carbonate slab that encases Han out of the vat and stands it on the platform. Some Smurfnaughts rush over, push the slab over onto the platform, and attach an electronic monitor to it, singing the whole time: SMURFNAUGHTS: La la la la la la, la la la la la! Lando kneels and adjusts some knobs. He shakes his head in relief. Meanwhile Vader inspects Han in carbonite, rapping on Han’s frozen head. VADER: I always knew -- I say I always knew that boy was hard headed. Hard. Head. That’s a joke, Calrissian. (In an aside behind one hand) Nice kid, but he’s about as sharp as a bag of wet pittins. Well, Cal-I say well, Calrissian, did he survive, I say did he survive? LANDO: Yes, he's alive. And in perfect hibernation. CHEWIE: (grabbing Lando by the collar) Whyfore you put Han in the cold, cold carbon? SWGuy: So, what do you guys think? It’s going to be epic, isn’t it? MickeyEarz: Um...you can’t be serious right? You realize that almost none of these charactersactually BELONG TO DISNEY? SWGuy: Really? FreakinGoofy: Yeah. And the one that does is like the most obscure Disney character this side of Oswald the Lucky Rabbit. This has got to be fake. Your “highly placed source” must be high. SWGuy: This is 100 percent genuine, you guys! Here’s another scene; I know you’ll love this one: INTERIOR: CLOUD CITY -- CORRIDOR Leia, Lando, and Chewie, with Threepio on his back, march along, guarded by six stormtroopers. The group reaches an intersection where Lobot a young boy with thick black-trimmed glasses, a shock of curly red hair and a cybernetic implant, and a dozen homemade robots of varying sizes, shape, and builds stand at attention. The robots aim their weapons at the startled stormtroopers. Taking the stormtroopers' weapons from them. Lobot hands one to Leia and one to Lando. LOBOT: (to the stormtroopers in a vaguely Russian accent) Get out of my laboratory! Meanwhile, Artoo-Detoo, a diminutive astromech droid with a large pair of round mouse ears and a long tail, rushes towards them. Threepio, still in the sling on Chewbacca’s back sees him and does a double-take. The camera zooms in to an extreme close-up of Threepio’s head, revealing that he is imagining himself about to take a bite from a sandwich made of Artoo between two slices of bread. The camera pans out again. Threepio licks his lips, scrambles out of the sling and falls to the floor in a heap. He is instantly reconstituted as a whole droid and runs after Atroo, his legs moving so fast all you see are circular blurs at his sides. Artoo spots his pursuer, jumps into the air and flees back the way he came. He ducks into a small hatch that is just big enough to admit him. Threepio crashes into the wall. He is flattened like a pancake, and falls to the floor, spinning like a dropped coin. The protocol droid shakes himself back into three dimensions and sticks one hand into the hatch and gropes around, trying to find Artoo. His hand connects with something and his eyes light up in triumph. He pulls out his prize, only to find that it is a lit stick of dynamite. Threepio fumbles frantically with it, trying to stuff it back into the hatch before it explodes, but too late. It blows up in his face; he puffs out a smoke ring. MickeyEarz: oh come on! Do you think we’re stupid? These still aren’t Disney characters! SWGuy: I’m pretty sure they are. FreakinGoofy: Uh, no….Tom and Jerry are MGM. Dexter’s Laboratory was on the Cartoon Network. None of us believe your “script” is real! SWGuy: Wow, you guys are harsh! I’m telling you this is absolutely true and this next scene will prove it! INTERIOR: CLOUD CITY -- CARBON-FREEZING CHAMBER Luke a mouse in a flight suit with large white buttons at the waist, white gloves and puffy yellow shoes, and Vader are dueling on the platform overlooking the chamber. Their lightsabers clash and the platform sways. LUKE:(as they fence) Whoa! Ha...ah...oh..whoa! VADER: I say, you've learned much, boy, much, I say. You’re a regular egghead! LUKE:(laughs nervously) Heh-heh...gosh, I guess I’m just full of surprises.Vader sends Luke's saber spinning, forcing him to jump back. Luke loses his balance and tumbles down the stairs, bouncing on each one, his tail coiled like a spring. LUKE: Ow….oof...ooch… He sprawls on the floor, dazed. He shakes his head with a rattling “oy-ee-oy-ee-oy-ee” noise and looks up to see Vader flying at him. VADER: Your destiny, I say your destiny lies with me, Sky--I say, Skywalker! Pay attention to me when I’m talking to you boy! Even old Obi-Wan knew it and he was strictly G.I…..gibberin idiot. Idiot, that is.. LUKE: Ah, golly, Mr. Vader, sir,...ah, I don’t think Obi-Wan ever said that! Behind Luke the lift cover has opened. He cautiously moves back, away from Vader, who lunges at Luke forcing him to topple back into the opening. LUKE: Whoa! There is a rumble as steam rises from the carbon freezing apparatus. VADER:(dusting his hands together) Well, that was easy--I say, easier’n taking candy from a youngling, youngling that is! That boy’s about as sharp, I say he’s about as sharp as a nuna-ball. I say, he’s thicker than a Hutt’s mid-section! (The Sith Lord is clearly tickled by his own wit.) I say, that boy’s about as bright as…. Behind Vader something blurs upward. He turns around to see Luke, who leapt fifteen feet straight up, hanging from some hoses on the carbonite outlet. LUKE: (grins sheepishly, wiggling his fingers in greeting) Uh..heh heh...hi there. VADER: Well boy, that, I say that was impressive...most, I say most impressive. Luke jumps down to the platform and raises his hand. His lightsaber, which had fallen onto another part of the platform jumps into his outstretched hand, performing several neat loop-de-loops as it flies. LUKE: (amazed as lightsaber lands in his hand and ignites)Heh-heh...gosh! VADER: Obi-- I say, Obi-Wan has taught you well, but only, I say, only your hatred can destroy me. Hatred, that is. INTERIOR: CLOUD CITY -- TUNNEL AND REACTOR CONTROL ROOM Moving through a tunnel like entrance, Luke approaches the reactor room. He ignites his lightsaber as Vader enters. Behind Luke a large trapezoidal weight marked “500 lbs” comes smashing forward toward his back. Luke ducks, spins and cuts it in half just as a another weight, this one labeled “1000 lbs” rockets towards him. Using the Force, Luke manages to deflect it and send it flying as if it had been hit by an invisible baseball bat. A grand piano comes out of nowhere and flies at Luke. LUKE: Huh? He deflects it. A drawer pulls out of the wall. Its entire contents of forks, knives and spoons come flying at him. Luke’s lightsaber morphs into a giant, glowing flyswatter and he swats frantically, doing his best to deflect everything. Finally, an over-sized anvil with the word “Acme” on it hurtles towards him. He ducks just in time, but the anvil crashes through the window. A white feather wafts in the window and settles on Luke’s nose. He is knocked out of the window. INTERIOR: GANTRY -- OUTSIDE CONTROL ROOM -- REACTOR SHAFT VADER: You're beaten, beaten, I say, like an egg. Egg. Beaten. I made a funny, boy, and you’re not laughing. Luke rolls sideways, thrusting his lightsaber at Vader and nickshim on the shoulder. The black armor sparks and smokes LUKE:(sheepishly) Heh heh…oops! VADER: Now cut that out boy, or I’ll spank you where your flight suit’s thinnest! Luke backs off along the narrow end of the gantry as Vader comes at him, swing his lightsaber and singing: VADER: Lum dum dum dum da da de doo da, DOO-DA, DOO-DA! On the last “doo-da “ Vader's lightsaber comes slashing down, cutting the top off the pillar Luke was hiding behind. He ducks down to hide behind the remainder; Vader slices off another chunk, forcing Luke to squeeze himself behind the tiny piece that still stands. Vader cuts this off as well. LUKE: Uh-oh! At that instant, Vader's red blade comes down across Luke's right arm, sending a white gloved hand and his lightsaber flying. Luke stares down. LUKE: Golly...ah..hah…that wasn’t very nice! Screwing up his face, Luke crawls along the gantry to its end. Vader follows. VADER: You can’t escape, boy! Don't, I say, don’t make me destroy you. Pay attention to me boy! I’m not just talkin’ to hear my head roar! Join me boy, I say join me and we can bring order to the galaxy. LUKE: Sorry, Mr. Vader, but, uh...huh...I'll never join you! VADER: If only- I say if only you knew the power of the dark side. Dark. Side. Dark Side, that is. Obi-- I say, Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father. LUKE: He-- he told me enough! He--ah, he told me you killed him. VADER: No. I’m--I say, I’m your father, boy. Your father! I’m your dear old dad, and you’re my sonny boy! Sonny! LUKE: N-n-no! No. That's--that’s not true! That's...huh..that’s impossible! VADER: Search, I say search, your feelings, son. You know it’s true. True, I say. (aside) Nice kid, but a little on the dumb side. Musta, I say musta got that from his mother... LUKE: No! No! No! VADER: Luke-- I say, Luke. Son, you can destroy the Emp--I say the Emperor--destroy him that is. That Sith’s as cold as a nudist on Hoth, but you and me, boy, --I say you and me, we can can rule the galaxy. Gal-I say galaxy! Whaddaya say, son? Vader puts away his lightsaber and holds a black-gloved hand out to Luke. A calm comes over Luke. He steps off the platform into space. LUKE: (as he falls) Ya-ha-hoo-hoo-hooey! SWGuy: I told you! Epic and completely true! MickeyEarz: YOU CUT OFF MICKEY’S HAND1!! FreakinGoofy: WaltsFrozenHead (admin): SWGuy, under the DizNerds’ TOS, your activity constitutes trolling. SWGuy: Trolls? That was a great Disney movie, too! Hey, maybe they could use the Trolls instead of Ewoks...no,wait, the Ewoks already was a Disney cartoon… WaltsFrozenHead: #sorrynotsorry SWGuy’s account has been suspended---------------------------- SWGuy closes his laptop, chuckling to himself. The camera pulls out to show the back of a man with curly, salt and pepper hair, wearing a flannel shirt. He turns around and grins at the camera. GEORGE LUCAS: And they said I couldn’t write a good script!