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Saga Mondo (First Sentence Challenge)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by Shira A'dola, Oct 13, 2015.

  1. Shira A'dola

    Shira A'dola Jedi Master star 6

    Registered:
    Sep 4, 2012
    Title: Mondo
    Author: Shira A'dola
    Characters: All OC's
    Timeframe: OT Timeline
    Rating: G
    Genre: Fluff, One-Shot
    Length: 557 words
    Summary: Just a short entry for the First Sentence Challenge. A young boy dreams of being Admiral and having his own Star Destroyer.

    This is part one of Jaye's story.

    Part 2: "Here's How It Started"

    Part 3: I Rise




    “No one really knew where Mondo came from.” Jaye began. “Some said he was a rogue Mandalorian, a being so dangerous that his own people exiled him. Others said he was a crazy assassin that no one wanted to hire unless they had no other choice. Whoever Mondo was, one thing was for sure: he never died.” A small gasp from Paxis, Jaye’s younger brother, made him smirk inwardly. “Imagine that…living forever. Except it’s not always fun. Because while he was immortal, his body wasn’t. His body kept aging and getting older. Getting more and more wrinkled until his skin fell off and his spirit slipped out of his body. Now Mondo travels through space, looking for bodies to take so that he can be a person again.”

    Little Paxis’ lip began to tremble and eight-year-old Maya wrapped her arms around her little brother. “Stop it, Jaye! That’s not even true!”

    “Yes it is! You’ve heard the soldiers talking about him. If he isn’t real, why would distinguished members of the Empire talk about him?”

    “Because old Spacers like telling stories late at night to spook themselves. Now stop it, you’re scaring Paxis!”

    “Soldiers aren’t old Spacers! You should show more respect! I’m gonna be an Admiral one day, just like dad. Maybe even a Grand Moff!”

    “What’s going on in here?” The three children jumped as the door slid open with a quiet hiss.

    “Jaye’s telling stories again and scaring Paxis, mama!”

    Leda sent an admonishing glance in her eldest son’s direction. “Jaye, you know your brother doesn’t like scary stories. Not to mention, I sent you all to bed an hour ago!”

    “Admirals don’t have bedtimes!” Jaye protested, folding his arms huffily. “They can go to bed whenever they want to. No one tells them what to do.”

    Leda smiled faintly and leaned against the doorframe. “On the contrary, even Admirals have a higher authority giving them orders. Even your father answers to someone of a higher rank. You have to learn to follow orders if you expect to be an officer. There’s no room for rogues or rebels in the Empire, is there?”

    Jaye blushed, remembering his schooling on the Rebels from his lessons earlier in the day. “No, mama.”

    “Precisely. So what would a good officer do if he was told to go to bed?”

    Jaye lowered his head. “He would go to bed without any protest.”

    Leda nodded her head and walked over to her children. “Exactly. Now go to bed, it’s very late. Your father comes home on leave tomorrow and you will all have lots of stories to tell. But until then, you need to sleep.”

    “Yes, mama.” Jaye, Maya and Paxis returned to their respective beds, climbing beneath the blankets. Leda walked over to each of her children and kissed them on the forehead.

    “Goodnight, darlings, and sleep well. I’ll see you in the morning.”

    Jaye yawned widely as the bedroom door hissed shut. He was tired, certainly, but his mind kept going back to the lessons of the brave officers battling the Rebels. Someday I’m gonna be an Admiral, he thought as his eyes began to close. I’ll fight the Rebels just like my dad. He drifted off, a small smile on his young face as his dreams showed him his very own Star Destroyer.
     
  2. Ewok Poet

    Ewok Poet Force Ghost star 6

    Registered:
    Jul 31, 2014
    Context, please? I want to know who, where and what.
     
  3. whiskers

    whiskers Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Registered:
    May 19, 2005
    [face_rofl] You perfectly captured the stubborn little kid that all of us once were!

    I think, even with what little you showed of the characters, that you really made them feel like real people. Teasing their siblings with scary stories, not wanting to go to bed, dreams of the future and all that. Good job, Shira.
     
    Admiral Volshe likes this.
  4. Shira A'dola

    Shira A'dola Jedi Master star 6

    Registered:
    Sep 4, 2012
    Honestly, there really is no context. It's just a simple little one-shot of a family awaiting the return of their father in the middle of OT events and a 12-year-old boy who wants to follow in his father's footsteps. I haven't written in a very long time and I'm a bit rusty, so I just wrote what happened off the top of my head to get things moving again. Sorry I don't really have any answers haha.

    Thank you, whiskers :)
     
  5. Admiral Volshe

    Admiral Volshe Chosen One star 10

    Registered:
    Sep 2, 2012
    This is great. You not only captured the stubborn child as whiskers stated, but you also captured that lovely hopeful, optimistic attitude that children tend to have. I love that. It's so authentic! :D

    It really feels like a family. They have a dynamic that's impeccable.

    And you may feel rusty, but you certainly aren't. ;)
     
    Findswoman and Shira A'dola like this.
  6. Shira A'dola

    Shira A'dola Jedi Master star 6

    Registered:
    Sep 4, 2012
    Well I wouldn't have figured that out if it wasn't for you, Volshe ;) Thanks for telling me to give it another go :)
     
    Ewok Poet and Admiral Volshe like this.
  7. Chyntuck

    Chyntuck Force Ghost star 5

    Registered:
    Jul 11, 2014
    What whiskers and Volshe said. If that's your writing in rusty mode, I want to see what it's like when you consider yourself back on track! Great take on the sentence and I can just see so many possibilities for spin-offs -- the complete Mondo myth, what Jaye actually becomes when he grows up, how Paxis gets revenge on his brother... This was just lovely!
     
  8. Shira A'dola

    Shira A'dola Jedi Master star 6

    Registered:
    Sep 4, 2012
    Thanks Chyntuk! It feels nice to write again after such a long hiatus. Thanks for coming up with the challenge, I really like that idea!
     
    Ewok Poet and Chyntuck like this.
  9. mavjade

    mavjade It's so FLUFFY! Fanfic Manager star 6 Staff Member Manager

    Registered:
    Sep 10, 2005
    I could have sworn I commented on this before and when I saw your new story I began to wonder if I actually had done so. Clearly I didn't. :(

    Jaye is so cute! [face_love]

    “Admirals don’t have bedtimes!” Jaye protested, folding his arms huffily. “They can go to bed whenever they want to. No one tells them what to do.”
    I loved this line! But I also liked how mom diffused that. I bet Leda has to be quick on her toes with that one. :)

    Wonderful little story! (Off to read the other one!)
     
  10. Shira A'dola

    Shira A'dola Jedi Master star 6

    Registered:
    Sep 4, 2012
    Thanks! It's really reassuring to know I didn't lose my ability to write after taking such a long time off :D
     
    Ewok Poet likes this.
  11. Ewok Poet

    Ewok Poet Force Ghost star 6

    Registered:
    Jul 31, 2014
    Coming back with the rest of my comment - sorry that it took me so long!

    It's hard to write children and you wrote not one, but three of them and their different personalities and age are showing well. Also, who hasn't been there before: you're naughty and then your parents draw a strange comparison to calm you down or make you eat something that's otherwise dianoga food. :p Have not seen THAT pop up in a fic before. Made me laugh.
     
    Shira A'dola and Findswoman like this.