Saga - OT More Than He Can Chew --one shot, Dare Challenge

Title: More Than He Can Chew
Genre: Humor, One shot
Characters: Vader, Palpatine, Admiral Piett, Stormtroopers, Imperial guards, and a very unlucky OC

The dare:

Spoiler

Issued by RX_Sith , and leading to me now knowing more about dental procedure than I ever wanted to know! It inspired me to be better about flossing, fer sher!

A fun dare, and our hapless dentist is being played by Martin Freeman. Hope this lives up to expectations!

* * *
Three thousand, one hundred and ninety one days to retirement. It couldn’t come soon enough for Perimel Shaples, DDS. It had seemed a good deal at the time. Join the Imperial Navy, dental school would be paid for. After ten years, you retire, go into private practice, and have a nice, quiet life. Fat chance.

He’d been assigned as junior dental officer on the Executor, Lord Vader’s personal ship. Okay, not so bad. And then something had happened to his superior, Dr. Fluvius (he’d never learned what), and he’d abruptly been put in charge, with two HYG-1N3 droids. The crew of the Executor, the Stormtroopers of the 501st, all of them, under his care. Lucky him.

He looked at the chart of his current patient on the datapad. Admiral Piett. Admiral? He was a captain when he made the appointment two weeks ago. “Ah, Admiral Piett, sir. Are we ready to have the filling out, then?” The Admiral grunted. He couldn’t say much else, with wadding stuffed in his mouth. Perri nodded. “Yes, this is fairly simple. You’ll have to watch out for those tark nuts; if you catch any shell you can crack even a titanium filling. Right, now…” He peered at the tray of instruments and took up a small hyposyringe. “Yes, here we go. You’re just going to feel a tiny pinch, hardly anything…”

“Leave us!” Perri jumped, accidentally jamming the syringe into Piett’s cheek, and whirled to the door. Lord Vader, the Emperor’s personal representative, filling the doorway, with his dark cloak swirling around him. Perri swallowed. “Er, ah, yes, my Lord!” He began to move towards the doorway, to let Vader confer with Piett.

“Not you! Him!”

Perri looked from Vader to Piett in confusion. “Huh?”

Piett bolted from the chair, with the sanitary bib still fastened around his throat and his mouth full of wadding. Perri watched him go, with some consternation. “Er, ah, my Lord…you wanted to see…me?”

“I require your services.”

Perri’s mouth worked, but nothing came out. Vader required his services? Vader had teeth? Did he even eat? The man had never been seen without the mask, Perri had always assumed that he ate by way of some sort of intubation process. “Er, yes, sir, of course. Ah, well, if you’d just, um, take a seat and, ah, if you could remove your, um, your, er, ah…”

An invisible hand slammed into his chest, throwing him across the room into a wall. “Ow.” Perri gasped for breath as the dark being stood there glowering at him. As he watched in terror, Vader reached to a pouch under his cloak somewhere and withdrew a small box. He held it in his hand and it…it floated across the room to Perri, who somehow scrambled to his feet and took it tentatively. He looked at Vader, who waited. Cautiously, with many misgivings, he opened the box.

Dentures. Perri blinked. Not what he was expecting to see. He picked them up, turning them over in his hand, looking to Vader for an explanation.

“They are damaged,” said Vader. Perri looked more closely. Ah, yes.

Now he could see, the lower plate had a fine, hairline crack across the bottom, and it looked like a burr of some type had developed along the second and third molars on the lower left. “Oh. Ah. Ah, yes.” Perri studied it for a moment longer. “I’m afraid it will have to be replaced, er, my Lord,” he said.

“Do it,” said Vader. “I require them by tonight.”

“Er, yes, sir. And, uh, did you want the same color…? Or…?” He squirmed under the gaze of the mask. “It’s only that you could have a set in hematis alloy, if you’d prefer, or…er…” Vader cocked his head.

“This is sufficient, Doctor. Have them delivered to my quarters.”

“Yes, er, my Lord. Of course. I’ll get right…right on it!” Vader studied him a moment longer, then turned and swirled out the door. Perri exhaled. He went to his inner office, placing the dentures into the replication chamber and carefully reprogramming the machine to start work on the replacement. Then he reached into the back of the supply closet, finding the bottle of mouthwash labeled “SAMPLE ONLY –NOT FOR RESALE”and drank several generous gulps. Ortolan rum really shouldn’t be drunk straight up, but this was for medicinal reasons.

He put the bottle away and ran through several breathing exercises. When his heartrate finally slowed, he put in a call to his assistant. “J-5? Could you contact Admiral Piett? Tell him I’m free now.” He looked at the patient roster. HYG-35 was signaling him to come in to station 4.

A Stormtrooper there was in armor, although without his helmet, and eyed Perri sourly. Perri looked at the scan of the trooper’s mouth, and frowned. The trooper’s gums were red and rather puffy.

“You’re not flossing, are you, Trooper?” he scolded. “You’ve got to be better about that, or you’ll lose all your teeth.” A vision of Vader’s dentures flashed through his head. “Er, yes. That would be bad. So, um, you can see the gumline is receding—“

“Doctor!”

Perri jumped. “Oh, for stars’ sake!” he complained. “Can’t you see I’m with a patient?” He turned to see a figure in a long red cloak with a helmet concealing his head. Royal Imperial Guard? What are they doing on the ship?

“The Emperor requires your services immediately.”

“The…the…the…” He looked at the trooper, who was smirking. Perri vowed to do any fillings on this guy without anesthesia. “Yes, of course, coming right away!”

As he went out to door to station 2, the Imperial Guard cleared his throat. “And, uh, if you’ve got a minute after you’re done, Doc, I’ve got a pain in my jaw, on the left side, I’d be grateful if you’d take a look at it,” he said in a low voice.

“Yes, yes, of course, put your name in with J-5 and I’ll get to it when I’ve finished with…with…with His Majesty.” Assuming I’m still alive. The Emperor had a certain…reputation, when it came to his personal attendants.

Perri took a deep breath, and slowly walked through the door. Three Royal Imperial Guards, standing at attention, with Perri’s escort falling in to formation with them. And standing at the center…a withered, hunched figure in a cloak of deep blue cosali velvet…Sheev Palpatine, Ruler and Lord of the entire Galaxy.

Perri swallowed hard, dropped to one knee, and bowed his head.

“Your H-highness!” he gasped. “I…I am honored. Er, what…what can I do for you, my Lord?”

There was a long silence. Perri shivered, as a cold chill swept through his body, a strange pressure inside his head. Then, Palpatine responded. “I have a toothache.”

“Ah. Yes, of course.” Perri stood cautiously, eyeing the Emperor. “If, uh, if your Highness would, uh, take a seat…?” For a moment, the Emperor didn’t move, and Perri wondered if he’d have to attempt an extraction while the all-powerful Master of Life and Death remained standing.

For a moment, Palpatine just glared at him with his yellow eyes. Perri wondered if His Majesty had been screened for jaundice. Then, the Emperor’s thin lips twisted in a cruel smile, and he reclined in the exam chair. Perri fussed with the light, but the Emperor had opened his mouth without prompting. Perri took up his probe and a small mirror, and peered inside cautiously.

The Emperor’s teeth were yellow, and curiously pointed. Perri wondered if that was deliberate. It was easy to see where the problem lay. Number 31, on the lower right hand side, had a tiny pock mark in it, and the gums around it were red and puffy. Cautiously, Perri inserted the probe. The tip went further than he would have liked.

“Er, I’ll have to do a full scan, Your Majesty,” he said.

“Do it and be quick.” Perri fled to his office for two more gulps of the Ortolan rum. Then, he summoned HYG-23. The droid placed a flat plastisteel plate against the Emperor’s cheek, and beamed the diagnostic scanning ray into the man’s mouth.

“Focus on 31,” ordered Perri. The droid obediently directed the light at the offending tooth. Perri looked at the holographic image forming outside of the plate and winced. Decay, deep inside the root. It would call for a full root canal. Of course, he could just do an extraction, and put in a bridge. He stood back, saved the scan to his records, and cleared his throat.

“I’m afraid it’s decay, my Lord, at the root,” he said. He explained the options to the Emperor. The man’s eyes narrowed.

“So you will have to drill?” he asked.

“Yes, my Lord. Drill down to the corrupted section, remove the decayed material, then fill in with an amalgam, and put a crown over the top. Or, if Your Majesty prefers, I can simply remove the entire tooth and replace it with a bridge.”
The Emperor began to laugh, a cold, terrifying sound. “Drill, Doctor!” he commanded. “Drill it all out!”

“Er, yes, my Lord.” Perri had HYG-23 assemble his tools, and he hesitated a moment, holding the sanitary bib over the Emperor’s elegant front. When he made to fasten the hook around the man’s neck, he felt a cold hand of fear clutching at his heart, and the Emperor’s beady eye fixed on him. Taking a deep breath, Perri simply lay the bib on the man’s chest, praying that it would stay in place. Three thousand, one hundred and ninety one, he told himself. He reached for the hyposyringe, willing his hands to stay steady. “Now, Your Majesty, you’ll just feel a little pinch—“

“No!”

“Er, sir?”

“No anesthesia!”

“No—“ Perri stared at him. “My Lord, this is a very complex operation. I’ll have to go down to the nerve; it will be extremely painful!” The Emperor favored him with that cold, terrifying smile.

“Pain is strength, Doctor,” he said. “Only weaklings fear pain!”

As far as Perri was concerned, pain was an extremely unpleasant state to be avoided at all costs. But the Emperor was determined. He lay his head back in the chair, chuckling. Perri swallowed hard. He gently lay the hyposyringe back on the tray and adjusted HYG-23’s extender in the Emperor’s mouth. Then, taking up the lasercutter, he carefully began the task.

He’d done this many times before, but he’d never had a patient laughing his way through the procedure. He accidentally burned the Emperor’s tongue once or twice, when His Majesty’s “BWAH-HA-HA!” led it into harm’s way. With the tooth bored through, he took the nanodroid from its case and sent it inside the gaping cavity to excavate and destroy all of the corruption and decay at the bottom of the tooth. There was a thud from behind him. Perri whirled. One of the Imperial Guards had passed out on the floor. One of his fellow guardsmen bent over him.

“ ‘Ake ‘im a-ay an’ ‘ERMINA-ay ‘im!” the Emperor slurred.

“I beg your pardon, my Lord?” asked Perri.

“Yes, my Lord,” said the guard. He jerked his head at the other and the two of them dragged their hapless colleague from the room, leaving one behind to stand watch. Perri frowned. Erminay? What was…? He swallowed hard. TERMINATE him?! He looked longingly towards his office. He really should check on Lord Vader’s dentures. And on the mouthwash stocks, while he was at it. But Palpatine’s eye was fixed on him, like a hawkbat watching a dust-mouse, and he didn’t dare stir from the Emperor’s side. After what seemed like forever, HYG flashed the recall signal, and Perri held the nanodroid’s casing to the side of the Emperor’s tooth. It turned green, showing that the droid was where it was supposed to be. Perri took up the sterilization wand, holding it over the cavity, and then took up a puncture syringe with the sterile disinfecting solution.

“Er, this might hurt a bit, Your Majesty,” he said.

“Heh, heh, I’m ‘OUN’-ing on i’!” Perri depressed the syringe, sending the liquid into the cavity, while the Emperor laughed maniacally. When it seemed well drained, he took up a different syringe with the filling amalgam and pushed it into the tooth as far as he could. The liquid foamed and spread, filling the entire tooth and soon it hardened, sealing the cavity shut.

Perri’s hands were shaking as he coded the replacement crown specs into the replication chamber which HYG was holding out to him. In a few moments, a new cap was ready to cover the damaged tooth. He was relieved when it was all done. “There we are, my Lord,” he said, whisking the bib away from the Emperor’s chest and checking quickly to see that no unwanted liquids sullied the man’s rich cloak. “You might want to, er, stick with soft foods for a day or so, but it should be fine now. Just, er, let me know if you have any further trouble.”

“Oh, don’t worry, Doctor,” said Palpatine, swinging his feet to the floor and smiling broadly. “I will.”

With Palpatine gone, Perri fled to his office. He would have polished off the bottle of rum, except that the replicator was pinging. Vader’s dentures were finished. He checked them over, filed off the offending burr on the tooth, and put them in a new container. Two quick gulps of rum, and the dentures were on their way to Vader’s headquarters, carefully cradled in a messenger droid.


He collapsed into his chair, and stared at the wall. Three thousand, one hundred and ninety one days left to go…

 

Awww. Poor dentist. But at least he survived. So far. I would recommend, however, that he defect to the Rebellion at the first opportunity. Our heroes may not try his sanity any less, but at least he won't be in constant fear for his life.

 

poor, poor perri. that was an awesome look at this kind of situation. i can't imagine having such demanding patients that... don't... exactly follow the rules. >_<

the masochistic palps was an interesting take i have to say, but very fitting. he seemed to be enjoying himself a bit too much with that whole situation. >_> not a look at palpatine i ever would have thought of, i have to say. i would not want to be this man's dentist. though i suppose steve martin's dentist would love it. far too much.

vader with dentures isn't something i've ever considered before either, but you know, it makes way, way too much sense. especially given every other problem and replacement part that he has going on.

i really enjoyed this a lot. you should get more interesting/obscure dares. you're great at them.

 

First Vader, then the Emperor himself, what a day for a dentist.

But I mostly liked this scene: The Emperor began to laugh, a cold, terrifying sound. “Drill, Doctor!” he commanded. “Drill it all out!”

I do not know what triggered it, but I had to think about the dentist song from the Musical "Little shop of Horrors".

 

I don't advocate drinking by any means but I don't blame Perri for wanting to get drunk after a day like that.

 

Some obviously very demanding patients for the dentist to take care of including Vader and the Emperor. Great all around.

 

It was a good dare, RX_Sith! Not as tricky as yours. Hope it met all the requirements.

I had not thought of that song before, but maybe it would be Palpy singing it... "Find a Deeentist!"

 

Three thousand, one hundred and ninety one days left to go… Well, this may be your chance to entertain us with 3191 vignettes about the dentist's life aboard the Executor

Oh dear, what a day for poor Perri. No wonder he needed some emergency rum therapy in-between patients! Vader and Palps, just minutes apart? That's enough reason to wish he had become a plumber instead.

Like ABP, I loved masochistic Sheev and I found that Vader's dentures made perfect sense. The whole thing made me laugh so much! Thanks for sharing

 

The first time I read this story, I laughed like a complete idiot - it's you and Raissa Baiard who provoked such a reaction in me and, perhaps, in the past, Amber Kenobi ...but NOBODY else. Just...just...WHAT THE KRIFF IS THIS AND WHY IS IT SO GOOD?

I can totally understand why this poor soul is drinking. I mean, you do have drinkers in all your stories, but this poor dentist with his "sample" has the best excuse - if he doesn't do this well, his whole body is in for some...implants or well, removal.

This is how it goes in USA, right? My friend's dad did not have the money to study at the university, so he joined the Army and was sent to Antarctica...solely to then be relocated to - gulp - Vietnam. Good idea to have a similar logic going on the GFFA and I can totally see how the scary stuff about your country could be implemented into their doctrine. Now, they need some of my country's scary stuff. Oh, wait.

And wow, that's, like...ten years until he can retire?

Now, poor Firmus Piett. He was the least troublesome of these people and he ended up having to do his usual "hi, I'm a doormat" thing, so Vader could have his freaky procedure done. Le gulp. And he's waiting and waiting and waiting...

LOL, ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

And lovely how Vader's dentures are freaking Perri out while he's looking at other people's teeth. Just http://www.nooooooooooooooo.com/

And this is where I cry from laughter. It's just...just...too crazy for words. I can't stop laughing and if I die, it's entirely going to be your fault. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Love how the crimson guard can't take it, either and how the other one appears to be vomiting. AM I A SITH NOW, FOR ENJOYING IT?

Okay, who is this 'Ermina and what does she want? Is she Mrs. Palpy?

Okay, I'm two. And for the end, the scary throwback to TESB:

*gulp* RIP Ozzel, I guess?

This was so much fun that I CAN'T EVEN.

 

Plumber on the Executor? Maybe that's next year's dare challenge! Or maybe the cable guy!

Sometimes, I have my moments.

A little over 8, I think. I was messing around with my calculator, trying to figure this out.

Vader's dentures would freak out anyone!

I confess, I was influenced by the version of the Emperor in the LEGO Freemaker Adventures series, who is more of a prima donna and not nearly as scary as the real thing.

Gotta love Google! I don't know what a stranger would make of my search history... lots of Star Wars...and dental charts?! I've never had a root canal, but the description was horrific!

And once I envisioned Martin Freeman as Perri, the character really came together. Glad you all got a giggle! That was my purpose.

 

perfect! What a clever dare. Juxaposing the mundane dentist with the horror of the strong arm of the Empire!

Loved the grousing that Dr. Perri did at the beginning:

Counting down the days until retirement. With this post he may never make it!
Clever names, too; Dr. Fluvius and the HYG-1N3 droids. I see what you did there.

Who would know under that mask? People don't think abour such mundane things like that when dealing with the Dark Lord of the Sith. Of course they would be dentures.

Best part, of course, is when Palps himself wants dental attention. You just knew he would be all "NO ANESTHESIA!!!" Because pain. All the pain.

Excellent job!

 

OMG, didn't even notice. AWESOMESAUCE!

 

I revisited this because REASONS, though I have it copied somewhere on my Evernote, in case the board ever disappears and aliens are about to destroy Earth and thought I'd tell you.

It aged like fine wine - or something, as I never liked wine or alcohol in general. There is something about tormenting a helpless dentist that just strikes a different chord than before.

There should be a hall of fame for very, very disturbing fics with "More Than He Can Chew" in it, tbh.

 

Oh every single. Word. was priceless! I can just imagine he's counting not just the days but the seconds then a huge ginormous sigh of relief!

 

As I have said... bookmark this and every single time you feel horrible, read it. Works for me!