Story [Multi-Fandom] The Count's Drabbles (12/30: "Ancillary Intervention Services" (Community))

Thanks.

Title: The Detective at Sea
Fandom: Sherlock Holmes


"There is a reason," Admiral Dennison said, "that Her Majesty's naval vessels don't typically host civilian 'consultants' such as yourself, Mr. Holmes."

My friend gave a short nod. "I see several reasons. First, there are no other 'consultants,' as you say, like me. I remain disappointingly unique. Second, I would find the sheer monotony of life aboard a ship stultifying. Within a day, I would be in need of heavy narcotics. Within a week, I would have murdered or been murdered."

"The latter, most probably," I added. Holmes and the admiral turned toward me, but neither of them contradicted me.

 

Title: The White Terrors
Fandom: Dark Shadows


Barnabas and Quentin glanced toward each other and winced. They'd faced off against many terrors at Collinwood, from vampires and werewolves - present company very much included - to a snake god. But none of those threats had been quite as unsettling as what they saw waiting inside the Blue Whale now.

"Should we go in?" Quentin asked. "Maggie's expecting us."

Barnabas tried to cross the threshold but couldn't. "Perhaps we should send Willie in to tell her we're running late."

"He ran away at the first sight of those..."

"Clowns?" Maggie stood by the doorway. "You're really both afraid of clowns?"

 

Title: Re-Grifted
Fandom: Maverick


Bart waited until the Clayton brothers were long gone before he climbed out of the bushes and stood beside Bret. "Awful shame to see three grand ride off like that."

"I guess," Bret said, "we'll just have to make do with the other seventeen."

"Seven," Bart corrected. "We only have seven thousand."

For the next six hours, they went back over the con, the bluffs, the double bluffs, the sextuple bluff, unable to figure out where the other ten grand went.

Which was more than enough time for the woman pretending to be Miss Jennings, local schoolmarm, to leave town.

 

Title: The Chili Estimation
Fandom: The Big Bang Theory


Sheldon was waiting when Leonard and the others returned to the apartment. "Et tu, Judas?" he snarled.

"Trust me," Leonard said, "you wouldn't have wanted to be there."

"Why not?"

Howard started, "For one thing," but was pushed aside.

"Doctuh Coopuh's not in bed yet? I thought he neveh stayed up past eight o'cwock."

"You guys went out with Kripke?" gasped Sheldon.

"I found the best chiwi in Pasadena," Kripke taunted, "but appawentwy, you don't wike chiwi."

"It was at a strip club," Raj pointed out.

"Oh. Longhorny's? Their chili's passable, hardly the best. What? You don't have to look!"

 

Title: Eliminating the Impossible
Fandom: Sledge Hammer!


Captain Trunk sat back, his feet up on his desk. "What even made you think it could be the senator's daughter? It just seems so impossible."

"No, just improbable," Dori explained. "I was following the old Holmesian method: once you've eliminated everything else-"

"But not by shooting it," Sledge interrupted.

The captain grunted, "I know," through clenched teeth.

"Everything else as impossible," Dori pressed on, "then whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. The daughter and her trained cat were the only possible answer."

"'Cause I've made that mistake, you know," Sledge muttered, pouting. "The gun thing, I mean."

 

Title: The Christie Correlation
Fandom: The Big Bang Theory


"Where," Howard asked, "is Sheldon?"

The others looked around, but there was no sign of him in the train's dining car. In fact, nobody had seen him anywhere in hours.

"He's the whole reason we couldn't just fly to New York," groused Bernadette.

"What if he was murdered?" Penny wondered, just a bit too happily. "Like in that book by the English lady?"

Amy guessed, "Murder on the Orient Express by Agatha Christie?"

"Yeah, that's the one."

"That would mean we all murdered Sheldon together, taking turns stabbing him," Leonard explained.

"Hey!" shouted Raj. "Way to warn for spoilers, dude!"

 

Title: In the Very Highest of Circles
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Eleventh
Set after: "Nightmare in Silver"


Clara found the Doctor at the console, frowning and staring off into space. "What's the matter?" she asked.

He shook himself out of his reverie. "It would've been nice traveling with an empress."

"I wouldn't have been allowed to travel much," she pointed out.

"Nonsense! I'd have you back before you'd left! You know, I've traveled with kings, queens, the occasional pharaoh."

Clara wondered, "How many is occasional?"

"Four," he answered.

"You've had four pharaohs in the TARDIS?" she gasped.

"No! Don't be absurd!" he said. "I've had seven in the TARDIS, but only four actually went anywhere with me."

 

Title: A Laundry Quandary
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Eighth


The Doctor stepped into the console room and was very nearly felled as something heavy and wet smacked him in the face. "Lucie Miller!" he shouted.

"Yeah, yeah, keep your hair on," Lucie grumbled. She peeled the drying shirt off the Doctor's head, and then she took down the cord hanging across the doorway. "I just needed to get some laundry done, right?"

"There are better places in the TARDIS for that kind of thing," explained the Doctor. "I'll be sure to direct you to them, just as soon as I find where they got to after the last redesign."

 

Thank you. Thank you very much.


Title: Worst Among Equals
Fandom: How I Met Your Mother


"What's Ted done this-" began Robin, but then she saw him hard at work on the structure, already three feet tall, he was building on their usual table. "I didn't know McLaren's had that many sweetener packets."

"Wendy's gotten what she can from every store and coffee shop within three blocks, and he's almost gone through those," Carl explained. "We're worried he'll snap when he finds out."

"Ted, honey," Robin called out, "what are you building?"

"I don't know," he said without looking up, "but it's definitely one of the top five things I've ever designed."

* * *

"Well, maybe top eight."

 

Title: Point of Succession
Fandom: Star Trek: The Next Generation


Worf slowly climbed to his feet, leaning against the console for support. He knew instinctively that he was the only one left, that he now stood alone on the bridge.

As he made his way down toward the captain's chair, he staggered at first. Soon, though, he was walking with confidence. He kicked Commander Riker's body out of his way and yanked Captain Picard's emaciated corpse from the seat. "This is mine now."

"Ensign Worf!"

Worf snapped back to reality, and he saw Commander Riker standing impatiently before him. "Ensign?"

"It got your attention. Nice daydream?"

Worf just shrugged noncommittally.

 

I can't believe it took me this long to think of this crossover.

Title: By the Book
Fandom: Castle / Barney Miller


"Do you see what you started?" snapped Captain Montgomery. Castle just shrugged.

"What did he do?" Detective Beckett asked.

"Opened the floodgates. Starting today, we're going to be babysitting a second writer."

"If it helps, I used to be a detective in the Twelfth Precinct." An older black man in an expensive suit stepped into the office. "Ron Harris. You've probably read my novels."

Castle came over to shake his hand. "Rick Castle. I can't believe we haven't met before now."

"We have," Harris said. "Quite a few times, in fact. You even wrote a blurb for my last book."

 

Title: The Opposite of Progress
Fandom: Daria


Daria sat back in her leather armchair and put her feet up on her antique oak desk. She still wasn't sure how she'd wound up here. Her candidacy had started as a joke among a few colleagues; one sex scandal later, and suddenly she'd become first the frontrunner, and then the victor.

She was almost the youngest serving member of the House of Representatives. Almost.

The door opened and Quinn entered. "I have Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie moving my things into my office. Wow, my office! Congresswoman Quinn Morgendorffer. Can you believe they waived part of the Constitution for me?"

 

Title: Photo Shot
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Eleventh


"Wait right there!" The Doctor ran back into the TARDIS and emerged seconds later carrying an expensive new camera with all the gear.

"When," Amy asked, "did you become a professional photographer?"

"When," he shot back, "did you become a famous fashion model with her own line of perfumes?"

"One perfume is not a line!"

He raised the camera. "Oi, Mr. Pond! Come get in the picture with your wife! Perfect! Now, you two, strike a pose!"

"That term's offensive." They turned to see a giant creature composed entirely of fatty tissue waddling past. "We're Adipose, thank you very much."

 

Title: The Fog of Time
Fandom: Doctor Who


Captain Magambo jumped down from the helicopter and strode over to UNIT's scientific advisor. "Dr. Taylor, what do we know so far?"

"Nothing new, I'm afraid," Taylor admitted. "Robot, thirty metres tall, unknown origin."

"Joy," she muttered, shaking her head wearily.

He said, "I quite enjoyed that one outside Glasgow last month."

"That was in February," she told him.

"What month is it now?" he asked.

"November."

He considered this for a long moment; several times, he appeared ready to speak again, but then he went back into deep thought. Eventually, he said, "I see. And what year is it?"

 

Title: Sharks and the City
Fandom: Ghostbusters


Egon descended slowly, not because he suspected a spectral ambush, but because he feared that the rickety stairs could collapse any second. As he reached the bottom, he held up his meter. "I'm not detecting anything, Peter. Whatever Miss Clark's been experiencing, it's not a ghost."

"If a talking shark in a Brooklyn walk-up isn't a ghost," Venkman asked, "what is it?"

"Just another immigrant eking out a living in the Big Apple?" The trenchcoated figure squeezed by them and started up the stairs. Before reaching the second floor, he turned around and grinned, flashing several rows of sharp teeth.

 

Title: Cold and Slightly Damp Case
Fandom:The Closer / Mitchell


As soon as the man opened the door, he asked, "You a hooker?"

"No, I'm Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson of the Major Crimes Division."

He trudged back into his apartment, and she followed him in. "I liked you better when you were a hooker," he snorted.

"I'm here about an old case of yours, Detective Mitchell," she explained.

"Lady, I'm retired."

She handed him a photograph. "Do you recognize this man?"

"Nope."

She added a file. "According to this, you killed Mr. Benton in 1975."

"Don't you hate it when you kill a guy and he doesn't stay dead?"

 

In case anyone's wondering, yes, I wrote that crossover after watching the Turkey Day marathon.

Title: Punchlines
Fandom: World of Warcraft


I wiped the bar and tried to ignore the dwarfs at the corner table. As they got drunker, their jokes got worse and their laughter louder. The ringleader declared, "Two trolls walk into a bar, and I beat them to death with it!"

I kept my expression calm, but I was groaning on the inside. This was a neutral town, and more than a few Horde races were represented in the pub tonight. Sure enough, an orc rose. "You know my favorite dwarf punchline?" she yelled before smacking the dwarf.

Where, I wondered, was I keeping my resume these days?

 

Title: A Full Closet
Fandom: Doctor Who


Commander Naksor rounded on his Zygon lieutenant. "Taking the form of humans is repulsive for all of us, regardless of the ape creatures' sex! I'm sure you've masqueraded as a female or two during our exile here."

"Washerwomen or nurses as necessary, yes! But in over a century, you've never taken a male's form. You have seven females in the body print chambers right now, all young and, by human standards, pretty."

Naksor hissed, "What's your point?"

"You should diversify, perhaps passing the young females to others."

"If you want to borrow one," said Naksor, "why don't you just ask?"

 

Title: Bad Reception
Fandom: The X-Files


Mulder stepped up to the reception desk and was about to ring the bell when he noticed a pair of men carrying camera equipment toward the exit. "News crew?" he asked.

"Please," one said. "The closest thing this backwater's ever seen to a newsworthy event is us."

"We've been shooting a pilot," the other explained, "for a hidden camera show. Two weeks setting up this prank about aliens, and we got maybe three minutes of usable footage. Couldn't fool anybody."

* * *

Scully didn't look up from her laptop as Mulder got back in the rental car. "Giving up already?" she teased.

 

Title: Pocket Monster
Fandom: The Office


Jim smiled apologetically at the camera. "I don't even remember what the goal of the prank was anymore," he admitted. Behind him, police were cordoning off the building.

* * *

Michael set the duffel bag on his desk and waved his finger at the reptile inside. "All the socialites are switching to pet lizards now," he explained. "Paris, Britney, all of them. I read about it in Cosmo."

* * *

"Seriously," Jim asked, "why'd I have a fake Cosmo made?"

* * *

"Gila monsters are what?" Startled, Michael dropped the venomous lizard; it ran straight for an open vent and vanished within. "That can't be good."

 

I adore JIm

 

Thanks.

Title: The Science and Psychology of Sound and Fury, Respectively
Fandom: Community


Staggering against the debilitating roar that rattled the very air around him, Jeff stormed out into the hallway and pounded on Dean Pelton's door. After a long moment, the dean answered; two pillows were strapped to the sides of his head with a rhinestone belt.

Jeff launched into a tirade but realized almost immediately that the dean couldn't hear him and wasn't causing the noise. They both turned toward the door directly across.

Before Jeff could knock, the door became a swirling blue vortex, and the noise grew exponentially. "Sorry," a voice inside their minds intoned, "should be done soon."

 

Title: Workin' Overtime
Fandom: Mrs. Doubtfire


Daniel trudged onto the set, moaning, "You know Lundy never would've made everyone work on Christmas Eve."

"Says the man who practically begged me for any excuse to get us out of the house," Natalie replied. "And 'everyone' is you, me, and three volunteers getting double overtime."

He grinned. "Have I told you lately that you're my favorite producer?"

"Not counting the times you wanted something?" Ignoring his wounded expression, she stepped back behind the cameras. "All right, let's see how many of these promos we can get through," she said. "I promised Mom we'd only be here until three."

 

Haha nice! Quality family bonding time