Saga My Secret Life...Padmé's Diary...Updated 08/09/09

Title: My Secret Life
Author: Kelia
Characters: Padmé, Sabe, Senators
Timeframe: Post ATOC - this will cover the first year of Anakin and Padmé's marriage
Genre: Will vary
A/N: This is my response to the [link=http://boards.theforce.net/fan_fiction_resource/b10304/29588737/p1/?116]2009 Diary Challenge[/link]. I'll be updating weekly - yes I said weekly - but if you'd like a PM, just say the word.

Thanks to earlybird-obi-wan for the idea and permission to use it


Dear Diary,


I don?t even know why I?m starting this diary, other than I have no one to talk to about the most important part of my life, strange as that may sound. Everyone is supposed to have someone they can confide in but in my case, things are just too?complicated and I don?t want to burden anyone else with keeping my secret. Well, our secret, really. You see, I have been blissfully married for three days now and I want to shout my glorious news from every rooftop on Naboo but I can?t. Not only that, but I can?t tell a soul, not even my family.

That may sound extreme, but in our circumstances, it isn?t. We shouldn?t have even allowed ourselves to peruse our feelings for each other but, in truth, our love was just too powerful and too intoxicating for either of us to resist. Not that Anakin tried but I certainly did. I knew and still know we should have remained strong and kept our relationship platonic but?

I could tell you Anakin swept me off my feet, that I so wrapped up in the intensity of his love for me and mine for him that I couldn?t think straight but that would be a lie. The truth is, I love him more than I?ve ever loved anyone before and I wanted to marry him regardless of what it will cost us in the end.

I don?t doubt that there will be a price to pay for our love but I believe deep down in my heart, no matter what that price is, Anakin and I will face it together and come out stronger and more in love than ever.

Now you may be wondering why I am writing all this down instead of enjoying my honeymoon. Let me just say I did enjoy the honeymoon ? while it lasted. But reality has reared its ugly head, forcing us back to our responsibilities. Anakin left for Coruscant and the Jedi Order this morning and I won?t be far behind him. I?ve two more days on Naboo before I have to return to the Senate and we?ve no idea when we?ll see each other again.

As bad as that is, this morning, saying good-bye was worse. I tried to stay strong, as Anakin did for me, but my eyes filled with tears the minute I woke. It was torture fixing his breakfast, helping him gather all his belongings and walking him to his ship, knowing it would be the last time we would be together for who knows how long.

Our last moments together were bittersweet. Anakin cupped my cheeks, told me not to worry, that we would see each other soon and gave me the most gentle, tender kiss I?ve ever received.

Then he was gone and my tears haven?t stopped.

I?ll have to pull myself together by this afternoon when I?m expected at my parent?s house. Somehow, I?ll have to find the strength to smile, laugh and act normal around them, the people who know me best and will be ever vigilant for any signs of anything out of the ordinary.

I don?t know how I?m going to do it.

Wish me luck.

 

Touching!

Pleae put me on the pm list.

 

Oh this is going to be great!

I can't wait for more. I'll try and remember to check in once a week.

 

Yes, a diary of Padmé and please put me on your PM list

 

Superb! Touching!

 

This is going to be good! Please add me to the PM list, as well.

 

Absolutely lovely and tender all at the same time. Please add me to the pm list if you continue this.

 

I like it. It's the very definition of bittersweet. You really show how Padmé would feel when her honeymoon was over. The happiness of true love, and the sadness of knowing what the limitations of that love are.

I hope to see more of this.

Specterace

 

Lady_Misty Touching!

Thank you! I wanted to diary to reflect Padmé?s deepest emotions.


VaderLVR64: Oh this is going to be great! I can't wait for more

I hope it will live up to your expectations


earlybird-obi-wan: Yes, a diary of Padmé and please put me on your PM list

I certainly will! And thank you again for the idea


Jade_eyes: Superb! Touching!

Awww?thank you!


Force_chick: This is going to be good! Please add me to the PM list, as well

That?s the plan I?ll be happy to add you to the list


FitJedi: Absolutely lovely and tender all at the same time

I?m glad you enjoyed the mix. I think Padmé would have very mixed emotions once reality returned to her world.


Specterace: You really show how Padmé would feel when her honeymoon was over. The happiness of true love, and the sadness of knowing what the limitations of that love are.

I?m glad you liked that. I wanted to keep this diary as close to reality?or what I think Padmé?s reality would be after the honeymoon ended.

 

Dear Diary


I am finally on my way to Coruscant, where I will hopefully get to see Anakin again. Even if it is only for a brief time, I will take what I can get and be thankful for it.

I?m sure you?re wondering about the two days with my family. It went about as well as I could have expected. I was able to keep my emotions under control, probably too much under control as my mother and sister, Sola, knew instantly something was troubling me.

They tried, individually and together, to get me to talk about whatever was on my mind but I would just smile and say I was still trying to absorb all that had happened in the last few weeks. They naturally assumed I meant with the assassination attempts and the crisis on Geonosis.

I was dying to tell them all about Anakin and our marriage. They would have kept our secret and probably even helped us in any way they could but I knew it would be unfair to expect them to help me carry such a heavy burden. I made the choice to marry Anakin and keep our relationship a secret and now I, alone, have to bear the outcome of those choices.

We did have fun, making meals together, watching our favorite holovideo, playing games and talking. If only Anakin could have been there, it would have been perfect! I kept picturing him by my side, across the room laughing with my father, lying next to me in bed.

Silly, right? He had only been gone two days and I was missing him so.

Mom made me my favorite breakfast this morning and again tried to get me to open up to her. I was so tempted! It took all my willpower to just shake my head and tell her I was fine. My heart broke at her sad but knowing gaze. I?ve never been able to fool my mother but she didn?t press me.

Later, when we were saying good-bye, she pulled me into a tight embrace and told me if I ever needed her for anything, no matter the time or the seriousness of the situation, to call her and she would come. ?I?ll always be there for you, Padmé,? she whispered before kissing my cheek.

I?ve only just now stopped crying.

I hate keeping this from her and dad and Sola. But I know it?s for the best. I truly believe the time will come when Anakin and I are free to be together and I will be able to explain everything.

I just hope they will understand and forgive us.

 

Whoa. I like the tilt of Padme's thoughts here. She's all alone, and yet she's not. She wants to talk about the marriage to Anakin, but at the same time, she feels she can't burden people with it.

The saddest part has to be the thoughts about eventually getting it all out someday. Because if this follows canon (and all indicates it will), then that someday never comes.



Specterace

 

Poor Padme, never able to reveal her secret.

A very touching update

 

Man, it's hard keeping a secret even if it's just a surprise for your parents like you did all the laundry, cleaned the house, made dinner and rented their favorite movie and you are going to take the youger siblings out.

 

I love the timeframe you've picked for her diary here! I know you'll do it justice.

 

Augh...how absolutely torturous to have to keep such a secret from those who mean the most to you. I wish she could have opened up about her marriage but I understand her reasoning. Still, very sad indeed. Well done.

 

Specterace: I like the tilt of Padme's thoughts here. She's all alone, and yet she's not. She wants to talk about the marriage to Anakin, but at the same time, she feels she can't burden people with it.

That?s Padmé all right. I really wanted to explore how torn she must have been during the marriage and I?m glad you are enjoying it.


earlybird-obi-wan: Poor Padmé, never able to reveal her secret.

At least not the way she hoped she would be able to reveal it


Lady_Misty: Man, it's hard keeping a secret even if it's just a surprise

Yes, it certainly is!

VaderLVR64: I love the timeframe you've picked for her diary here!

Thanks. I wanted to pick a time little explored in the movies. That?s about the only way I can stick to cannon?assuming that?s what I?m planning to do, of course.


FitJedi: how absolutely torturous to have to keep such a secret from those who mean the most to you.

Yes, it is as Padmé is learning?the hard way.

 

Dear Diary


Today, I returned to my apartment to resume my real life as Senator from Naboo. It was strange getting off the elevator and walking down the hallway. I kept wishing Anakin were there to carry me over the threshold. I could picture us holding hands and giggling with anticipation as we got closer to the door.

Silly, I know.

This isn?t really our home. Our home will always be the lake retreat on Naboo where we first discovered our love for each other.

Still, the image played in my head as I let myself in and I found myself in tears, yet again. I think I?ve cried more since my marriage than I have in my entire life.

Anyway, Sabé was waiting for me and was instantly alarmed. I tried to shrug my tears off and attribute it to jet lag. A lame excuse and she knew it, but she didn?t press me, for which I was grateful.

I got my tears under control and began to walk through the apartment to my bedroom and found myself overwhelmed with sadness. Why? Another silly reason.

As I looked around at all my things, it occurred to me, there were no signs of Anakin. Which of course, there wouldn?t be. Anakin had only been to my apartment a handful of times and never after we acknowledged our love for each other so why were my eyes so desperately seeking something?anything of his?

What was wrong with me? And did all my emotions mean I wouldn?t be able to handle my double life?

I started crying again and Sabé pulled me into her arms, asking in the gentlest of voices to please tell her what was going on.

So I did. I told her everything and afterward, it was as if a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. She was shocked, of course, but happy that I?d finally found some happiness in my life. She promised to keep our secret and help us in anyway she could.

I am so grateful for her support and even her approval. A part of me feared, and still does to some degree, the reactions Anakin and I will get when our secret finally comes out.

Knowing we have one person who understands helps me to believe we will have more positive reactions than negative ones.

I pray that will be the case, anyway.

In the meantime, I am grateful I can confide everything to Sabé. I know that will help me bear being apart from my beloved Anakin.

 

Lovely to see she has a friend in Sabe.

This isn?t really our home. Our home will always be the lake retreat on Naboo where we first discovered our love for each other. So true and such a beautiful place compared to city Coruscant.

Great update

 

Update 01-12: I can so relate to Padme's decision not to burden her famiily with her secret and her longing at the same time to share it... and Anakin there would have made it perfect.
01-19: So very glad Sabe is there as a confidante... and that her warmth and support will be a balm to Padme and a source of strength.

These entries are great--they have Padme's warmth and inner courage all the way through.

 

So she's confided in Sabe, huh? Nice. It'll help Padme a lot, I'm sure, to be able to talk to someone about this. I wonder what Sabe will tell her as time goes on...

Specterace

 

Nicely done Padme...

Will make a point to check in weekly to see what she's up to...

 

Okay... so I am three weeks late (Luckily I am only three weeks behind and not three months!)

Can you please PM so I don't over look this touching look into Padme's life.

Thanks.

 

I don't think her crying is silly I mean she's a newly wed and her husband just marched off to war she's just worried.

 

poor padme, at least she has Sabe to help her through her situation and give her a release of some sort.

 

Interesting.....is this following canon? Please add me to the Pm list-I'm intrigued