Beyond - Legends Passing for a Politician; or, the Crook, the Wook and Me: A Memoir in Three Parts (Dear Diary) ~3/15

Title: Passing for a Politician; or, the Crook, the Wook and Me
Author: Lady_Tahiri
Timeframe: potentially Thrawn era through FOTJ
Characters: Leia, Han, SkySolos galore
Genre: Humor
Summary: The credit for the subtitle goes to James Luceno - as does the entire premise. I'm just spoofing, since we'll probably never know what Leia's actual memoirs look like.
Disclaimer: It all belongs to George.

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Preface to the Second Edition

For forty years now, my husband has cautioned me not to tell him the odds. If you are reading this, then the odds are that you have a figurine of my husband perched atop your desk, right next to the miniature replica of that hunk of junk he calls a ship. He?s probably wearing his custom modified DL-44 blaster holstered at his hip. I?ll give you any odds he doesn?t look a day over thirty.

One of the fringe benefits of gallivanting about the galaxy with such a man is that you eventually learn to lay the odds so you can?t lose. My husband calls it the vaunted Solo luck. I call it spending too much time with Lando. Either way, after four decades of marriage, three intrepid kids and too many people trying to kill us, he?s finally made a convert of me. (The kids, of course, sided with him from the day they got their first model X-wings.)

I am publishing my journals in an effort to sketch the reluctant process by which I adopted my husband?s questionable maxims. Now you, too, can rescue princesses, win firefights, and blow up superweapons with impunity. While my tone may strike some as irreverent, these are likely the same people who insist on calling my husband ?General? despite the fact that he has tendered his resignation not once but three times. If you think public figures should keep a lid on their private lives, then you can stop right here. But if you want to know how I went from imperious senator to enthusiastic scoundrel, then read on.


Leia Organa Solo
Former Princess of Alderaan
Former Member of the Alliance to Restore the Republic
Former Chief of State of the New Republic
Full-Time Scoundrel

 

I like it already! Please include me on the PM list.

 

Oh, this is a great beginning! I do hope you throw out some of the evil profic books while writing this, though.

 

This is going to be AMAZING Please add me to the PM list!!

 

Love this! Can't wait for the next post!

 

interested to see what comes next

 

I remember reading the book and Leia mentions that she might write her memoirs. Interesting choice for the DDC too.
Continue...

 

Very interested. Would love to see more! PM me when you update please

 

If you are reading this, then the odds are that you have a figurine of my husband perched atop your desk, right next to the miniature replica of that hunk of junk he calls a ship. He?s probably wearing his custom modified DL-44 blaster holstered at his hip. Guilty.

Great start! Love it.

 

, great start! Put me on the PM list if you have one, please!

 

Not just one... guilty, too!!! The ship (lego model) requires constant maintenance, too!

Can't wait to see how this goes, loved Leia's sig (former..., former...., etc. Full Time Scoundrel). She's come over to the scoundrel side of the force!

Add me to your PM list as well, please.

 

This is amazing. You've really have Leia's dry sarcasm down pat and I can't wait to see where this goes. PM list as well please?

TWIN_SABER

 

Part I: Princess


It was Luke?s idea.

While normally that would be a ringing endorsement, my brother is not noted for his history of successful long-term relationships. (Though the number of women who send him holos, accompanied by requests for autographs, dates, and lap dances, seems to increase exponentially day by day.) If I have a moral dilemma, I go to Luke. On the other hand if my love life is in shambles, then I would do better to break out the Whyren?s Reserve and watch old holodrama reruns with Chewie, because he?s the only man in my life likely to have any answers.

The problem is that ? according to Threepio?s best calculations ? where you find Chewie, you run an eighty-four percent chance of finding Han, too.

Fortunately for me, today was in the other sixteen percent.

He swept me off my feet with a thunderous roar and swung me around and around, my waist-length braid flying through the air, before setting me back down. I buried my face in the warm ginger fur of his stomach.

He growled an interrogative.

?No, I was hoping he?d be out. I need to talk to you.?

A rumble of concern.

?I?m fine, really. I just got back from a meeting of the Alderaanian Council.? I paused. ?The entire session was basically an excuse to start planning my wedding to Prince Isolder. Who hasn?t even asked me to marry him.? Yet.

Chewbacca said something for which my rudimentary command of Shyriiwook was inadequate, but I caught the drift of it easily enough. I tried to suppress my mirth.

?While that might be gratifying to watch, I don?t think it would do us any good in the long run. They?d just arrest you, and probably me too, and then Han would bail us both out and I?d never live it down.?

The Wookie equivalent of a snort.

?I came to ask you a favor, Chewie. Mon Mothma has suspended my other diplomatic duties so I can spend more time with the Hapan delegation. And I don?t mind the Prince? ? a warning growl from Chewbacca ? ?it?s just, he?s always got those amazon guards. He?s even assigned one to me ever since the last assassination attempt. I thought if I could demonstrate that I?m well protected right where I am ??

The vigorous growl of assent was immediate and unhesistant.

?You will? That?s wonderful! Only for a couple of days, you understand, until things die down. I know it must be hard on you, and if that pigheaded oaf gives you any trouble, you just tell him it?s not fair to draw our friends up into battle lines.?

?Who?s a pigheaded oaf?? a voice demanded from the doorway.

Framed in the soft light of the corridor?s glowrods, Han?s familiar features looked more tired than I had ever seen them. He was dressed in informal military fatigues and carried a duffel that made it clear he was returning from maneuvers with the fleet.

?Hello, Han,? I said. ?I didn?t expect to see you here.?

?What, in my own apartment??

Chewbacca pointed out that Han was not necessarily the main attraction.

?Fine. Have it your way. She came for the pleasure of the big furball?s company. You can go shed all over her carpet anytime, buddy.?

There was a brief silence. ?Actually, that?s what I asked him to do.?

?You what?!!? Han exploded, dropping the duffel with a thud.

?I need someone imposing ??

?Isn?t that what those belly dancers disguised as bodyguards are for? Looks like Isolder?s got a whole harem tucked away on that flagship.?

?Yes, but I need someone on my side,? I said impatiently.

?I?m on your side,? he said, and for a moment the longing in his eyes almost caused me to relent. Almost.

?Chewie will be accompanying me tomorrow,? I said briskly, preparing to make my exit. As good as it was to see Chewie, I couldn?t stand another minute of that infernal man.

?Hey, wait just a minute. Where, exactly, is he accompanying you to??

?Since it?s Prince Isolder?s first visit to Coruscant, I thought it was important for him to see firsthand the long, proud history of the Republic. To see that we?re a people, not just a hodgepodge of species and cultures thrown together ad hoc.? L

 

Thank you all so much for reading and commenting! Thanks for dropping by, and come back soon!
_______________________________

VaderLVR64
Glad to hear you liked it, and of course I'll add you to the PM list

PonyTricks
Oh, this is a great beginning! I do hope you throw out some of the evil profic books while writing this, though.
For sure. It might not be massively AU, but there are some aspects of the EU I'm just dying to take a pair of shears to.

NYCitygurl
This is going to be AMAZING
Thank you, I hope so too!

star_writer24
Here it is.

Browned-Eyed_Girl
interested to see what comes next
After I wrote the preface it was hard to pick a starting point for this diary, but I think I settled on an interesting era.

LittleMissNightsaber
I remember reading the book and Leia mentions that she might write her memoirs. Interesting choice for the DDC too.
Right, and I always expected her to do it eventually, or for them to mention it again, like a shoutout in another novel, but no such luck.

tahiriveilax
Very interested. Would love to see more! PM me when you update please
Anything for a fellow Tahiri

FelsGoddess
I bet they're even more popular in the GFFA than here.

GoldenJedi
Thanks, and of course I'll add you.

dm1
Not just one... guilty, too!!! The ship (lego model) requires constant maintenance, too!
Haha being the Falcon, I imagine it would require that kind of upkeep.

Can't wait to see how this goes, loved Leia's sig (former..., former...., etc. Full Time Scoundrel). She's come over to the scoundrel side of the force!
Very happy you caught onto the scoundrel thing. The memoir is divided into three parts. Can you guess what the third one is called?

Twin_Saber
You've really got Leia's dry sarcasm down pat and I can't wait to see where this goes.
I always thought from Leia's underexploited potential for snark that she could be hilarious in writing, if she so chose.

 

This is Great!

 

Great post from a fellow Tahiri

Keep it coming!

 

It was Luke?s idea.

While normally that would be a ringing endorsement, my brother is not noted for his history of successful long-term relationships. (Though the number of women who send him holos, accompanied by requests for autographs, dates, and lap dances, seems to increase exponentially day by day.) If I have a moral dilemma, I go to Luke. On the other hand if my love life is in shambles, then I would do better to break out the Whyren?s Reserve and watch old holodrama reruns with Chewie, because he?s the only man in my life likely to have any answers.



How true!

 

Poor Han! I could never understand why Leia treated him so badly in The Book Which Shall Not Be Named.

 

I would do better to break out the Whyren?s Reserve and watch old holodrama reruns with Chewie, because he?s the only man in my life likely to have any answers.



Love it.

 

Loved it!

 

Gotta love Chewie, he's always been on the ball! Uh, oh... I think there's going to be trouble between Han and Isolder. Hopefully Leia will come to the correct conclusion here without having to be kidnapped.

I can guess what the third part (and the second part) will be called, but I'm not telling. Wouldn't want to spoil the surprise! Keep it coming!

 

This was so good! I love it I had a hard time picking out my favorite part, but this was pretty dran funny:

Take Chewie along if you want, Luke had suggested, but for the love of the Force don?t let Han find out.

Awesome post And I love her blaming Luke for everything

 

LT, I told you I'd keep a lookout for you. T'was the title that caught my attention: I recalled reading it on Wookieepedia last week, I did.


Anyway, this looks good. Add me to the PM list if it isn't too much trouble?

Peace,
Bea

 

ccp
Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it.

tahiriveilax
Thanks. In your place I'd expect nothing less, from a fellow Tahiri.

VaderLVR64
Indeed, it was hard to believe Luke was such an innocent before he met Mara.

PonyTricks
Poor Han! I could never understand why Leia treated him so badly in The Book Which Shall Not Be Named.
Haha agreed. I do feel kind of bad making my narrator sort of unsympathetic here at times, but you're right, you can't overlook that she *is* really mean to Han.

Golden_Jedi
Good! I hope you continue to enjoy it.

dm1
Gotta love Chewie, he's always been on the ball! Uh, oh... I think there's going to be trouble between Han and Isolder. worried Hopefully Leia will come to the correct conclusion here without having to be kidnapped.
Hopefully!

I can guess what the third part (and the second part) will be called, but I'm not telling. Wouldn't want to spoil the surprise! Keep it coming!
Haha thanks for not spilling. Will do.

NYCityGurl
Awesome post And I love her blaming Luke for everything
Thanks, I thought that would be fun.

Bea
So good to see you, and of course flattered that you liked it! I thought you would have been buried under mounds of Fear and Love manuscript pages by now. So it's good that you still have time to browse the boards.
LT, I told you I'd keep a lookout for you. T'was the title that caught my attention: I recalled reading it on Wookieepedia last week, I did.
Lol I would be interested to know what the wookiepedia page says!

 

I?m going to let you in on a state secret: I was a tomboy and a reprobate child. This caused no end of embarrassment to my mother, the vicerene of Alderaan, who threw the best dinner parties in town, to which I was never invited on account of my inability to keep my clothes clean for more than fifteen minutes at a time. She probably wondered why she hadn?t adopted a nice Kuati orphan instead of the daughter of a Sith Lord.

Growing up in the Aldera Royal Palace, Winter and I got into a lot of scrapes. By that I mean to say that I narrowly escaped incarceration half a dozen times before the age of ten, while Winter stood by waiting to haul me out of trouble once the dust had settled. She was everything a princess should be ? poised, well-spoken, possessed of stoic reserve. It was no accident that visitors often mistook the precocious amber-eyed girl with the regal bearing for royalty. Nobody thought to look for the grease-spattered urchin in the corner, busily disassembling things that shouldn?t have been disassembled unless one wished to cause a thermal detonation in the capital.

Far from entertaining feelings of envy or inadequacy, I was pleased, happy even. My life was divided into two parts. Before Winter?s arrival I had been adrift in a sea of etiquette and diplomacy. Afterwards, I had Winter on hand to tell me that Bothans were allergic to catnip and that vermilion was really not my color (which saved me from mortally offending the ambassador from Bothawui and becoming the laughingstock of my third-grade class, among other things). It was like after eons of floating dead in space my nav computer had suddenly sputtered to life but instead of coordinates it was repeatedly flashing a single line of text: What Would Winter Do? And I have to say, it's served me well over the years.

There was only one problem. In this case, I knew exactly what Winter would do: Marry the penniless ace pilot and to blazes with the filthy rich, diabolically handsome foreign prince.

?Threepio, you?re winding it too tight,? I said through gritted teeth.

?I do apologize, Mistress Leia. My sensors were not designed for this sort of task, you know. In fact, I don?t believe that anything short of a complete overhaul of my metacarpal coverings ? ?

?You?re fine. Just try not to jerk so hard on the roots.?

?As you say, Mistress Leia.?

I bit down on my lip to keep from crying out as I felt his mechanical fingers pinch the skin of my scalp just behind the left ear. This was then replaced by a dull tightness that meant he had pulled that section of hair away and pinned it up.

?There, how does that look??

I had been keeping my eyes carefully averted from the mirror. Now I willed myself to glance up, and what I saw flooded me with a sense of instant, immense relief. Threepio?s improvisation was in nowise comparable to Winter?s handiwork, but at least I looked halfway presentable. I didn?t look like I had set my alarm three hours early, frantically dressing for what I anticipated would be the most disastrous museum tour in galactic history. Which of course was exactly what I had been doing before Threepio shuffled over to inquire why I was running a sonic shower in the refresher while simultaneously flipping pancakes in the kitchen. I had told him to turn off the shower and help me with my hair.

?It looks great, Threepio. Thanks for your help.?

?Wonderful! Now all we have to do is the other side.?

Out of consideration for Threepio?s feelings, I suppressed my groan of dismay.

When he finished, I examined my reflection to check for split ends and flywaways. Threepio?s buns were not as impeccably coiled as Winter?s, but they would have to do. I dearly regretted my own obstinacy in not learning to fashion the elaborate updo myself. Han called it the ?donut hairstyle.? When I asked him what a donut was he told me it was something CorSec officers ate.

Threepio was looking less than satisfied with the fruit of his labors. ?Oh, my. My visual records indicate that this hairstyle is only an eighty-five percent match for the one you wore for the