Beyond - Legends Queer Eye for the Jedi (Humor/Parody) Complete!

Title: Queer Eye for the Jedi
Author: Tilly
Characters: Luke, the Fab Five, assorted extras
Genre: Humor/Parody/Weird Crossover
Summary: Jedi Master Luke Skywalker gets a makeover
Disclaimer: I am not: a flannel-wearing bearded man, a fashionable gay man, or a television channel that is home to James Lipton. I don't claim to be. I am also not: rich. Don't sue.
Author's Notes: Well, Dancing_Jansons poked at me to write something else and provided me with the idea. Given that it's been four months since last I wrote, I obliged. (And I thank her for the beta.) If this, any of this, has already been done to death, you have my apologies. And now D_J is telling me to grow a pair and post this.

~~~
Queer Eye for the Jedi

VO (as clips from the show flash by): Tonight on "Queer Eye for the Jedi," can the Fab Five really turn this Jedi Knight into a Fashion Delight? Only one way to find out...

*cue Queer Eye theme song*

The Queer Eye speeder pulls up in front of the Imperial Palace and the Fab Five pile out. Meanwhile, Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight and savior of the galaxy stands at the curb, looking, for the first time in quite some time, nervous.

THOM, eyeing the Palace: Will you look at the size of this thing?

CARSON, eyeing the Jedi: Oh, he probably gets that all the time.

LUKE smiles uncertainly and laughs just a little: Nice to meet you.

Carson takes over and begins doing the introductions, standing at what seems to Luke to be an uncomfortably close distance to the Jedi Master.

CARSON: This is Jai, your culture expert. Kyan is grooming, Ted?s your food and wine guy, Thom will be zshuzshing up your apartment?

LUKE frowns: Zshuzshing?

CARSON: Yes, it?s a technical term. And I, I will be responsible for your couture.

LUKE raises his eyebrows but continues to frown: Couture?

CARSON: Yes, it?s a?

LUKE: --technical term, I got it.

CARSON: Well, my dears, let?s see what we?re up against.

-cut-

The six take the turbolift up to Luke?s floor.

JAI, looking around the interior of the turbolift: See, this is about the size of my apartment, right here. Look, Thom is in the bathroom, Kyan and Ted are in the living room, Carson and I are in the kitchen, and Luke?s in the bedroom.

CARSON: How fortuitous!

LUKE blushes and tries to pretend he didn?t catch the prurient overtone in Carson?s statement: Well, I didn?t choose to live here. It was a gift of sorts. It?s actually too big for my tastes.

CARSON, almost giggling when Luke says "too big for my tastes": No gift is too big.

Luke blushes deeper and resolutely shuts his mouth until they reach his apartment. The door slides open and the group walks into the entryway of Luke?s home.

THOM: Good gods, you could house a forest of Ewoks in here!

KYAN leans over Jai: Wow, do you have a map or something? *He fishes in his pockets and then turns to the rest of his group* Do any of you have any crackers? Bread? I?m gonna need to leave a trail of crumbs or something...

CARSON, meanwhile, to self: Echo! *listens as his voice comes back to him* "echo, echo, echo..."

JAI, laughing: C?mon, boys, we?ve got a job to do.

TED, looking eager to get started: Let?s go!

Each takes off in a different direction and Luke remains standing in the entryway, looking lost.

-cut-

Carson is standing in Luke?s closet, madly flipping through the clothing hanging up.

CARSON: Black *flip* black *flip* black *flip* black... ooh look, brown! *He pulls out the old cloak.

LUKE, shaking his head: That doesn?t fit anymore.

Carson rolls his eyes and tosses it aside with a flourish.

-cut-

Kyan is standing in the bathroom, looking around. Like everything else, the bathroom is enormous, with a large inset tub, a large shower, a large sink, and what seems like miles of marble. Kyan peers around, holding something in his hand.

KYAN, to himself: A bar of soap. A bar of--one bar of soap? That?s it?

He shakes his head sadl

 

*chuckles gleefully*

Oh, God, this is so awesome.

I giggle like a schoolgirl every time I read it. Glad you decided to post it!

 

LOL! This is hysterical! Post more, soon.

 

Oh, you posted it here, too! I read it over at ff.net and I couldn't stop laughing! There's so many things that I could comment on...but it's all so funny that I don't know which one to pick!

Kyan's obsession with that ONE bar of soap, Carson making all those comments that make Luke so uncomfortable, and the power converters in the kitchen!!!

And of course, I LOVE the commercial with Lando!!!

Fantastic job!!

 

Glad you posted this here! I read it on ff.net and laughed so hard I cried. This was begging to be done and you hit the nail on the head. I can actually picture this on their show!

 

Jansons, you hate school. You never giggled in it. Ergo, you can't know how to giggle like a schoolgirl. Hee, but I'm glad my commissioned work makes you laugh!

Enelya_Sol: Thanks! I always worry when I write something funny that it's only going to seem funny to me! I'll plop the next chunk up here either tonight or tomorrow, too.

kayladie97: And thank you, too! Do you know I actually spent half an hour on-line looking up the original Colt 45 commercial just so I could get the taglines correct? *proudly displays "WAY TOO GEEKY" banner*

Jedi_PrincessAZ: I'm glad you think I got it right! In addition to looking up the Colt 45 commercial, I also watched the Queer Eye marathon. "We try hard for accuracy!"

 

There's more, Tilly? I must say, the thought of the Fab Five teaching Luke about zshuzshing is quite amusing. And you have all five of them as in character as Luke himself!

My favorite parts:

CARSON, patting him on the shoulder effeminately: Ooh, looks and brains! No wonder there aren?t more Jedi, that?s a pretty strict set of admission standards right there.

THOM, in a whisper as he stares at the décor: The Dark Side...

TED: Let?s never speak of this.

CARSON: I?m seeing boots. I?m seeing one pair of boots. I?m seeing *he digs further* two pairs of boots. I?m seeing... I?m seeing a desperate need for stylish footwear.

This is really quite the mental image.

 

That was...it was so...it was....*cracks up*

 

I will definitely have to break down and watch some episodes of that show! If they're half as hilarious as your fanfic... Funny stuff! If anyone needs a make-over, it's Luke. Oh, and the Lando commercial was great, too. (You can find old commercials on the internet?)

 

OMG.


Funny.


Very, very funny.





...and you've got Lando pluggin' malt liquor...just like his alter ego, BDW...OMG!...

You have so got Carson pegged! And, finally, Kyan has found a clean tub! Well done! Cheers!

 

Gabri_Jade: I'm so glad you think I got Luke in character! It was a lot harder than I thought it'd be, trying to intermingle two different universes! And I really couldn't let it go without making a Dark Side reference.

Suzuki_Akira: Thanks! I'm so happy people are finding this funny!

Jedi-2B: The show really is hilarious, far more so than I could ever make it. And you can find old commercials, if you look hard enough! Takes awhile, though. Glad you're enjoying!

rxchiquita: Yeah, I always feel bad that Kyan always has to deal with disgusting bathrooms. I figured Luke would at least be clean, if not particularly fashionable.

~~~

There is, indeed, more to this, so as promised, I'll put the next chunk of it up now. Thanks to everyone for all the awesome feedback!

Queer Eye for the Jedi -- Part Two

-cut back to the show-

Interview Interlude

*on screen, Leia is sitting against a white backdrop. Text beneath her reads: The Sister*

LEIA, laughing: Luke has never really cared too much about style or fashion. He's very...utilitarian. He?s also got this real affinity for the color black, which I?ve never completely understood. Might have something to do with our father...

*cut to Han Solo, against the same backdrop. Text beneath reads: The Best Friend*

HAN, shaking his head: The kid looks like he?s about twelve, if ya ask me. Somethin? to do with the hair, I think. I dunno, maybe the ladies really go for that look. *laughs* Kinda reminds me of an Ewok, personally.

*cut to Wedge, against same backdrop. Text beneath reads: Former Roommate*

WEDGE, looking thoughtful but smiling: Yeah, I lived with him for a few years awhile back. There was no doubt about which part of the room was his. Just look for the side with absolutely no decoration and no sense of style. That was Luke.

*cut back to Leia*

LEIA, a little confused: His hair? What?s wrong with his hair! I think he looks sweet. Like a little Ewok.

*cut to Wedge*

WEDGE, smirking: I?m not authorized to comment on Luke?s hairstyle.

End Interview Interlude

-cut-

Luke and Kyan are standing in an upscale-looking salon filled with the most modern furniture imaginable and flatscreens covering the walls displaying various shots of modern art. A woman comes bouncing over to him, looking entirely too fashionable to be working in a salon.

KYAN: This is Kendra.

Kendra descends on Luke, who takes a step backward before he can really help himself. She runs her fingers through his hair, pushing it off his forehead.

KENDRA, over-emoting horribly: Oh, honey, this hair... you could do so much more with it than this!

KYAN is now poking around Luke?s head, too: So, what do you think, Kendra? Lighten it up a little, take some of this *he gives Luke?s bangs a little shake, giving him a tousled, just-got-done-pod-racing look* off, get rid of the split ends?

LUKE, eyes up, trying to see what the two are doing: I have split ends?

KYAN, ignoring Luke: We also need to get him some decent hair products, probably some moisture-rich shampoo, some sort of conditioner, maybe some gel or some wax, something to give it some texture.

LUKE, confused: I thought hair wasn?t supposed to be waxy.

KENDRA, talking over him: Oh, definitely, definitely. *She grabs one of his hands and doesn?t catch Luke?s look of surprise* And we also need to do something about his nails.

LUKE, making his voice heard: A manicure?! No.

KYAN: Oh, c?mon, I get them all the time!

Luke just raises his eyebrows and gives him a my-point-exactly look, but Kendra is already dragging him away by the wrist.

-cut-

Thom is in Luke?s apartment, frantically painting and muttering to himself: Must cover the gray, must cover the gray.

He turns to the camera.

THOM: No matter what the situation, you should always cover the gray.

-cut-

Luke is sitting in a salon chair. He?s got pieces of foil sticking out of his head at

 

LOL! Another great part. I think I liked the three girls the best. They were obnoxious, but come on, a Luke Skywalker fanclub, complete with the squealing? LMAO!

Aside from that, the interviews were great. As was the Hobbie commercial.

 

This is totally hilarious and hott! (yes I know it's kinda creepy i said that ) I just love the Fab 5... speaking of them I just watched them. Jai is the hottest! Luke is hilarious!

 

ROTFLMFAO!!!!!

 

KENDRA, over-emoting horribly: Oh, honey, this hair... you could do so much more with it than this!

Have to agree here -- he definitely needs a hair makeover most of the time.

Okay, I watched an episode this afternoon (they were helping some schmuck who was going to propose to his girlfriend), and you're right, it's a riot. Especially the expressions on their faces as they're picking thru this slob's apartment.

Looking forward to the rest of this. Will Mara appear at the end to make sarcastic comments about Luke?

 

Enelya_Sol: Ah, the Luke Skywalker Fanclub, the three girls you love to hate. The Hobbie commercial was borne of the Geico commercial with the giggling squirrels. I guess I should credit Geico, too, then!

Jaina_and_Jag: I would collectively marry the Fab 5... y'know, if they weren't gay. Thanks for the props!

_3MD_PsychoSniper: JUADASTP! (jumping up and down and saying "thanks!" profusely)

Jedi-2B: *sighs happily* I've made another Queer Eye convert! And yes, Luke's hair needed... well, something done to it! Gotta love the bowl cut shag.

~~~

Is it bad form to post replies and a new chunk all at the same time? *can't seem to shake recycling/efficiency habit, even regarding posting* Thanks a bajillion times over to all who've given me such lovely feedback!! In return, here's part 3! (What? What ego? Me?)

Author's notes: No harm meant by blatantly insulting the Starlight Vocal Band, and if you actually want to sing the commercial jingle, sing it to the tune of "Modern Major General". Mad props to Gilbert & Sullivan, and Textualsphinx, who gave me the idea to use this song as the jingle song.

~~~

Queer Eye for the Jedi -- Part Three

-cut back to the show-

Carson is standing with the group of girls outside the dressing room, tapping his foot impatiently.

CARSON, with an audible eye-roll: Just come out already! *turns to the camera* Oh, if only I were so lucky...

The girls are giggling amongst themselves, every now and then giving each other the typically girly arm-grasp in anticipation.

LUKE, from inside the room: All right, but just so you know, I don?t think they fit.

CARSON: They don?t fit? Can you zip them up?

LUKE, dubiously: Well, yes, but?

CARSON: Then they fit.

Luke cautiously pushes open the fitting room door, surreptitiously keeping one hand in front of? himself. He?s wearing deep burgundy leather pants that couldn?t be more fitted if they were painted on. His shirt, a strange gauzy sea blue, is fastened up to his chin, and he?s trying to hold closed the bright green jacket, already at a disadvantage as the jacket?s various pieces?arms, collar, front panels, and back?are held together with some sort of black see-through webbing.

LUKE: They?re too tight.

GIRL #2: Oh no, they aren?t!

GIRL #1, with awe: It?s... it?s everything I?d hoped it would be.

GIRL #3: *bursts into glorious overwhelmed tears*

Carson shakes his head with a noise of annoyance and approaches Luke, who instinctively backs up. Carson hurriedly unbuttons the top three buttons to the shirt and slips some sort of strap through a few strategically-placed slots in the jacket, thereby keeping it held back.

LUKE, shaking his head: I can?t wear this.

CARSON, scandalized: This is cutting-edge couture, my friend! You look amazing in it!

LUKE, frowning: It doesn?t match!

CARSON: Matching outfits went out with the stormtroopers, honey. This is the wave of the future.

Luke sighs and studies himself in the mirror, cringing as he notices the giggling girl entourage behind him. Trying not to attract any notice, he vaguely waves one hand as he looks at them in the mirror.

LUKE, muttering: You don?t like leather pants.

GIRL #2: I dunno, maybe leather?s not quite him...

Luke sags in relief and turns to go back to the fitting room to take off the pants, which are also incredibly warm.

GIRL #1: Yeah, I think he?s more of a spandex kind of guy.

Luke?s shoulders slump.

CARSON, calling after him: And stand up straight! Everyone loves confidence!

-cut-

Luke is standing in the foyer of what?s obviously a winery, Ted and Jai on one side, Carson on the other.

TED: So, you?re going to a Senate dinner. The good news is that you won?t have to do much in the way of food preparation, but you should always know a few basics, which is what we?re going to cover today. First we?re going to talk wine.

Luke just nods, for once not intimidated or uncomfortable, as he follows Ted a

 

And the fun continues!

CARSON: They don?t fit? Can you zip them up?

LUKE, dubiously: Well, yes, but?

CARSON: Then they fit.

I can't read about these leather pants without thinking of the episode of Friends, where Ross's new leather pants are chafing, so he used powder and lotion, then can't get them back up and has to call Joey for advice.

I'm really feeling sorry for Luke on these clothes that were picked out for him! Maybe Jedi black isn't so bad after all.

Looking forward to seeing him at the Senate dinner.

 

LOL! Another great part. That was hysterical, once again. I think my favorite line was:

Luke sighs and studies himself in the mirror, cringing as he notices the giggling girl entourage behind him.

LMAO...poor Luke and his 'fanclub'.

Can't wait to read the conclusion!

 

Awesomeness! Luke's leather pants! Can't wait for the final part. *sits on the edge of her seat*

 

hehehehehhehehehe.......... i just love this...

"I'm not gay. I just don't sleep with women very often...."



A. Windsor

 

That was incredibly funny! Geez I almost split my stomach open...that was excellent! The fuunniest fic since the Vader Monologues, yes, you heard me right. This fic is GOING PLACES!

 

Jedi-2B: I daresay we have similar viewing habits. That Friends ep is one of my faves! I love it when he finally clonks himself in the head fighting with those pants. And thanks! It was hard trying to invent awful ensembles--had to paw through the closet of Old 80's Mistakes to come up with some of 'em!

Enelya_Sol: I picture those girls in my head much like the ones you see when they show old Beatles footage.

Jaina_and_Jag: Somehow, I just couldn't write this without the inclusion of leather pants in some way, shape, or form.

A-Windsor: Thanks! I was kinda proud of that one, myself.

Suzuki_Akira: Wow!! I'm stunned! Up there with "The Vader Monologues"? Thank you!!! When I read that, I of course went off to find and read "The Vader Monologues" and spent far too long laughing far too much, so that makes my whole night!

 

This is hysterical, Tilly. You have definitely got this show (and Luke) down.

Carson is still wearing Luke?s old brown robe and is standing on the street in front of the salon, frantically waving his hands at people.

CARSON, intoning gravely as he waves a hand at a woman in an unflattering dress: You do not ever want to wear that shade of purple again.

ROTFLOL!!! Carson would so try Jedi mind tricks on people. Can you imagine how much easier his job would be if he could make it work?

KENDRA: And the way it?s *smacks Luke?s hands* cut, you can wear it forward and smooth for a *smacks Luke?s hands again* really nice formal look, or you can tousle it up and *smack* get more of a carefree feel. Personally, I?will you stop that?!

I actually really like the description of the haircut (Force knows that Luke's never had a decent one), and Luke would react exactly that way.

THOM: The Starlight Vocal Band. We hope Jai is picking up some new music.

*giggles madly* Jai has to do something while the others are dressing the guy up.

Luke is sitting at the table, his cheeks a little flushed and looking mildly disheveled. He takes a large swig out of one of the wine glasses in front of him.

LUKE, slurring a little: I like this one. ?s not too sweet.

TED, to the droid: I think we?re just about done here.

*is giggling too hard to talk*

THOM, expectantly: Well? What do you think?

LUKE, still wide-eyed: I feel like I?m at a hotel I could never afford.

CARSON, immediately: Ooh, can I rent a room here?

LUKE, finally beginning to smile: I don?t think Jedi are supposed to have such posh surroundings.

TED: I don?t think Jedi are supposed to eat Snerf, either.

THOM: That stuff?s not half bad.

LUKE, frowning: I had Snerf in my apartment? Gods, I can?t even remember buying it. It probably came with the place!

Thom looks a little ill.

CARSON, excitedly: Okay, boys, pull up some chairs! It?s time for us to have a little fashion show!

Luke looks a little ill.

I know that's a long excerpt, but wow! It was so dead on!

CARSON: This is something you can wear on an everyday basis.

LUKE: What exactly is it you think I do on an everyday basis?

ROTFLOL! Don't you want to say that to Carson sometimes?

CARSON: Remember, it?s all in the attitude, no matter what you wear! ... but don?t wear black.

KYAN: Work the product in from back to front, and make sure to moisturize your skin.

TED: No more Snerf. *pauses* And stick with wine spritzers tonight.

JAI: It?s okay to like the Starlight Vocal Band, but, y?know, probably not in public.

THOM: Light the candles. They?re scented!

Perfect, Tilly, absolutely perfect. *wanders off, still giggling*

 

Gabri_Jade: Thankyouthankyouthankyou!! The amount of fun I had writing this almost, almost, frightens me. I try not to think about that too much though. And personally, I really would like to see Carson actually manage the Jedi mind trick at least once.

~~~

Author's Notes: Well, here we go, the last chunk. Thanks again to everyone who's been giving me such wonderful feedback! You've made my return to the world of GFFA fic just lovely. And wine spritzers are not inherently an un-manly drink.

~~~

Queer Eye for the Jedi -- Part Four


-cut back to the show-

The Fab Five have returned to their loft to watch Luke?s big debut as the new and improved Jedi Master.  Mounted cameras in Luke?s apartment and the camera crew still there are recording the evening?s events.

The guys settle themselves on sofas in front of the large holoscreen, cocktails in hand.

JAI, as the camera follows Luke through the apartment:  Thom, you did some amazing things with that apartment.

CARSON, watching eagerly as Luke begins stripping off clothes and heading into the bathroom:  Yeah, look how nice he?s making it look, leaving that trail of clothes into the bathroom.

Luke pokes one head and an arm out of the bathroom, almost as an afterthought, nods, and the clothes pick
themselves up and deposit themselves in a nearby hamper.

CARSON, scowling:  Show-off.

THOM, staring intently at the screen as the shot cuts to the overhead of Luke in the bathroom:  Yeah, speaking of showing things off...

KYAN, looking at Luke standing in a pair of boxer-briefs:  Must... not... make... lightsaber reference...

-screen cuts to Luke, wearing a towel and attempting to do his hair-

KYAN, crossing his fingers:  Use the mousse, Luke.

-screen cuts to Luke standing in front of his closet-

Luke is flipping through his new wardrobe, pausing at the leather pants and chuckling.

CARSON:  He likes them.  He just doesn?t know he likes them yet.

TED:  Funny, that?s what they used to say about me and... well, nevermind.

Onscreen, Luke is putting on the dark blue outfit.  He is about to fasten the clasp to the cloak but he pauses.

CARSON, excitedly:  Ooh, look, he?s gonna try it again!

JAI:  He?s practicing, how cute!

Luke takes one side of the cloak and pulls.

CARSON, shouting:  Easy, there, jackass, you?re not startin? a motor!

-screen cuts to Luke on his way out the door-

Luke stops in front of a mirror one last time before leaving the apartment, staring at his reflection and poking at his hair a bit.

KYAN, gritting his teeth:  He just can?t break the habit.

THOM, thoughtfully:  Gritting your teeth is a bad habit, too, isn?t it?

-screen finally cuts to the main event, the Senate Dinner-

Luke?s family and friends are eagerly milling about the entrance to the hall, Leia, Han, various members past
and present of Rogue Squadron, Chewie, and even Lando.  Luke?s speeder pulls up and everyone, including the Fab Five in their loft, holds their breath.

When Luke emerges, the shock on everyone?s face is priceless.  Spontaneous applause breaks out as everyone cheers.  Luke blushes.

LEIA, gesturing at him:  Well, go on, turn around!  Let?s see the whole picture!

Luke obliges, doing a graceful turn while unhooking the fastener on the cloak, and finishing the turn by sweeping the cloak off his shoulders in a dramatic swirl.

CARSON:  He did it!  He did it!  Ohhh, he really does love me.

An impressed chorus of ooh?s fills the air and there is another round of applause.

HAN:  You?re blonde, kid!

KYAN, muttering:  Why does everyone keep saying that...

LUKE, chuckling:  Yeah, well, at least I?m not wearing the leather pants!

WEDGE, shocked:  Leather pants??  My entire view of the galaxy just shifted about 180 degrees.  I need a drink.

-screen cuts to the inside of the reception hall-

Luke and his entourage are being served various beverages.

TED, warningly:  That wine spritzer better be for him.

Lando is ho

 

Awesome, awesome job! You really have a gift for making me laugh. Great ending, although I am very sad it's over. I want a sequel... with Kyp or sumthin.