Title: Raissa Baiard Loses Them All!
Author: Ewok Poet
Genre: Humour
Characters: Yilda Lami (my OC), Raissa Baiard, Doran Blayne/Domnic Jade, Verraro the Hutt, Frugly, Ari Renau, Sascha, Haaz (all Raissa Baiard's OCs)
Timeframe: 17 years before the Battle of Yavin
Rating: PG
Length: Short

Summary: Yilda Lami is sent to Merkesh to report on suspicious activities taking place...the best way she knows how.

This is an award fic for Raissa Baiard. Her excellent story, In the Cards was voted Best All-Around in Saga and she requested a slugdgenewsflimsi article written by my OC, Yilda Lami, as seen in the Galactic Correspondent round-robin. The details referenced and shamelessly parodied are mostly from In the Cards, but some have been picked from the rest of the author's opus.

The story/article name itself is a pun on one of Raissa's other stories, Raissa Baiard Solves Them All.

The "ANGRY MACE™ brand" is an inside joke that originated from...OK, let's not go there.

I apologise that I'm being slow with the prizes - 2016 was unpredictable in its own ways, but everybody whom I owe something and who has supplied what is needed for it will get their prize by the end of the year.

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The Prefect of Merkesh is ONE WACKY CORRUPTED GAMBLER.
by Yilda Lami for Juicy Blabber, the celebrity section of Lightyear Holo

• Raissa Baiard: Does the incumbent prefect with a suspicious-looking roomate have a sabacc problem like her predecessor, Ari Renau?
• Doran Blayne – is he actually somebody else?
• Verraro the Hutt – the true ruler of Merkesh and his SHADOW GOVERNMENT!
• Our psychiatrist, Seeg-mon D’fraud analyses the situation!

On her mission to discover the dirt underneath the immaculate Imperial uniforms of the Outer Rim Territories, YILDA LAMI uncovers one planet's governing apparatus after another! This week it's RAISSA BAIARD, the seemingly demure Prefect of Merkesh - she has lots of baggage and some of it is large enough to be carried on a sail barge!

One of the first things that struck our reporter about Mistress Baiard is that she was not present when the time came to salute the Emperor with the first morning sun. If she is the Imperial she swears she is, why does she skip the Imperial Salute procedure? When we spotted her two hours later, she was emptying the garbage chute and even though she cut a flawless figure in the same uniform that we saw on her yesterday, [editor's note: Yil, insert a list of appropriate uniforms at the end of the article! We could start a new trend here!] the fact that she was accompanied by an unidentified being that appears to be her roommate made us even more confused about what REALLY takes place in that housing unit. [editor's note: Could that be her pet?]

Later on, Baiard pulled off an effortless military look as she was spotted leaving the MERKESH IMPERIAL GARRISON and heading to the nearby CAFE ALDERAAN. She was seen talking to a woman we identified as SASCHA and the property owner DORAN BLAYNE. The roommate was not present, leading us to the assumption that Mistress Baiard only "kisses when the Sun does not shine". Our next-generation DOBY surveillance-bug droid, built after the previous one fell into the sea and begun to take our shuttle apart once we recovered it, caught Baiard and Blayne engaging in a game of sabacc that seemed not to be following rules.

Blayne is a SHOCKING sight to begin with. Sure he lives far enough from the Core Worlds to understand that his hair style is an anti-Imperial act in its own right, but even if that was not the case, he would still appear very suspicious. It was reported that he does not like holidays, including Life Day, that he is a borderline alcoholic and that he spends a lot of time by himself.

After a tip from our psychiatrist, Seegmon D'Fraud, that Blayne exhibits the behaviour typical of fugitives, our profilers have indicated that the cafe owner may actually be a Weequay smuggler in disguise. This would explain his suspicious behaviour and the not-so perfect disguise that is the name of his cantina, a place most certainly not worthy a visit of our affiliate magazineflimsi Galactic Winning and Dining. In this place, the sabacc players use obcene language, and when we filled a complaint, the answer was "So does Haaz, our Toydarian doorkeeper, so what's your point?"

Trying to trace the origin of Blayne and Baiard's SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITIES and STRANGE BEDFELLOWS, we came straight in the lair of the local gangster, VERRARO THE HUTT, only to find both of the Humans present at his sabacc table. This is particularly concerning in Baiard's case - as reported by our parent publication, the previous prefect of Merskesh, ARI RENAU, was murdered for his sabacc debt! Mistress Baiard should sure know better than to follow his footsteps!

According to Seegmon D'Fraud, Baiard's addiction to gambling could have been propelled by Blayne's drinking and his Ortolan organ player's binge-eating. During the three hundred years of his practice, D'fraud has determined that women are more likely to succumb to dangerous addiction than men, which, in turn, is why they are not good with being placed in positions where high responsibility is required.

"Verraro the Hutt must be familiar with my work." - D'Fraud said. "He is effectively controlling the planet by surrounding a weak woman with triggers to her addiction."

So, who really rules Merkesh? Is the Prefect following her precedor when it comes to suspicious activities and does this mean that the planet is effectively in the hands of the unnamed Hutt clan?

We reached out to Moff Cassius for clarification on the above, but he is yet to holocomm us.

Next week: Senator Padmé Amidala of Naboo tragically passed away two years ago, but we traced what could be one of her sons from the illegitimate relationship with Jar Jar Binks when she was ONLY FOURTEEN YEARS OF AGE. Seegmon D'fraud explains why a young, spoiled woman would have gone for an exotic individual while still somewhat precocious and why is that to be blamed on the former Galactic Republic and its imperfect, de-centralised system of education.

THIS SPECIAL BULLETIN WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE ANGRY MACE™ BRAND ARTIFICIAL MILK PRODUCT.
***NOW WITH VENGEANCE SPRINKLES!***​

IS YOUR PROSPECTIVE IMPERIAL YOUTH UNDISCIPLINED? DOES HE OR SHE LACK ON MUSCLE MASS, TOO? NO FEAR, OBEDIENT CITIZEN. ANGRY MACE IS MAKING ITS WAY TO YOUR HOUSEHOLD LIKE A GLORIOUS TIE FIGHTER PILOTED BY THE CADETS FROM THE ACADEMY ON CARIDA AND YOU CANNOT STOP HIM. HE’S SERIOUS ABOUT IT.

WITH ITS PRODUCT PACKAGING SPORTING THE LIKE OF ONE MACE WINDU, THE EVIL JEDI WHO MIGHT STILL BE ALIVE, ROAMING AROUND AND HAVING INAPPROPRIATE RELATIONS WITH THE CORRIDOR GHOULS OF THE UNDERLEVELS ON CORUSCANT, YOUR YOUNGLING WILL BE TRICKED INTO SUBMISSION AND GET THEIR DAILY PORTION OF VITAMINS.

* CONTAINS 95% SPRINKLES AND 5% POLY-SATURATED NERF MILK-FLAVOURED ARTIFICIAL WHEY PROTEIN. RADIATION LEVELS DETERMINED SAFE IN IDEAL SURROUNDINGS. AVAILABLE WITH GREY, RED AND BLACK SPRINKLES, OR A MIX OF ALL. RED SPRINKLES HAVE BEEN SHOWN TO CAUSE SOME SIDE EFFECTS THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE LIMITED TO NAUSEA, SEIZURES, SKIN TURNING BRIGHT RED IN CERTAIN NON-PERFECT SPECIES AND SPRINKLES CAUSING HEMORRHOIDS IN OLDER CONSUMERS.

[editor's note: Yilda, that was not the product we were looking for!]​

 

Update:
The Lightyear Holo's Outer Rim division has obtained the following report:

Prefect Baiard's mysterious roommate was later spotted in her yard, nosing a clump of scrub grass and wearing NOTHING BUT A LEATHER COLLAR! When questioned about his inappropriate relationship with a senior member of the Imperial Constabulary, he merely answered: "whuff" and then tried to lick the reporter, further proof, as if any was needed, of Baiard's questionable taste in paramours.

Meanwhile, one Lieutenant Donal from the Merkesh Garrison reports that the Prefect was "livid" upon reading our flimsi and "sputtered in incoherent rage" before running the flimsi through the office shredder. We appear to have touched a nerve with the not so good Prefect, and we can only hope that confronting the proof of her addiction will be the first step on the road to recovery. Lieutenant Donal, a model Imperial officer if ever there was one, has promised to give us the exclusive scoop on Baiard's illicit relationships with the late Prefect Renau, Doran Blayne, his bouncer Haaz, and a Bothan pickpocket

Blayne himself CONFIRMED our report saying, "Yes. Yes, I am a Weequay smuggler in disguise. Your investigative skills are truly incredible, Yilda."
/end report

Ewok Poet Thank you for this TRULY AMAZING piece of journalism! I enjoyed it, even if Raissa and Doran did not . Once again, Yilda, that bastion of journalistic integrity, pulls off a stunning coup. All I can say is: Doran's haircut is not a mullet. Have you ever tried to get a decent haircut on the Outer Rim?

And I love, love, love the ad for ANGRY MACE brand Artificial Milk Product. I'd drink my artificial milk, too, if my mother was threatening me with the picture on the carton. Bravo! You are a master of Photoshop. . I laughed much too hard at this this morning.

 

Yilda Lami of the Juicy Blabber strikes again—and how! No one in the galaxy, no matter how upstanding, is safe from Yilda's poison pen, or holostylus, or whatever medium she's using. Not even dear ol' Frugly, it seems. Love how you worked in all those various references to Raissa Baiard's oeuvres, from Frugly himself to the (hilariously misinterpreted!) hints about Doran's own issues and background. Yes, yes, such a blatantly anti-Imperial hairstyle, plus the name "Alderaan" in his establishment, instantly screams "Weequay smuggler in disguise"—some truly impeccable investigative skills on Yilda's part, indeed!

Seegmon D'fraud is pretty priceless, right down to the name. Hmmm, 300 years of practice... is he a Hutt himself, I wonder? And the Angry Mace Brand™ Arificial Milk Product ad brought me much-needed laffs. Everything better when it's "product" (something Findshusband says sometimes ). Only thing better than "product" is "product" with Vengeance Sprinkles™—and in such vibrant, brilliant colors too!

For reasons that you perhaps can guess ( ) I always love the "editor's comments." Not only does the always form such a cool foil to Yilda's over-the-top-ness, but it's also fun to speculate on who that editor might be (and I was wondering if you had come up with anything about that character). One thing I know for sure is that whoever it is must have the patience of about 57 saints!

Brava once again. For brainy, nuanced humor that shows an in-depth knowledge of the GFFA, there's no one here like you!

 

I never responded to comments on this and I apologise - totally forgot. And nice to get a like from somebody new, so thank you, JediMaster_Jen. If you were intimidated by the content to comment, I can't blame you. ANGRY MACE IS ANGRY. AND HE IS COMING FOR YOU.

---

*snort* *snort* *snort* *snort* *snort* *snort* *snort* *snort* *snort*

Your CAPITALISATION in tabloid style is SENSATIONAL. One can see you were LEARNING from THE BEST.

LEATHER COLLAR. Now, that is wacky, wacky, wacky! AND PUBLIC LICKING IS A KNOWN FETISH (or not? I...can't unread this! ) BAIARD IS CLEARLY A MASTER OF KINKS AND WANTS VADER'S FORCE CHICKEN.

For anybody crazy enough to want to know where I got that second reference from...yes, people care about Darth Vader's penis elsewhere and they had an "intelligent" discussion about it: https://www.quora.com/Does-Darth-Vader-get-laid

A CHALLENGE IS A CHALLENGE.

Hey, I just met you
And I'm crazy
I'm ANGRY MACE
I'll eat your baby!

*inappropriate lover

I think Yilda's PARTS did the INVESTIGATION here. Because it seriously looks like it was done by somebody who doesn't go out often enough and is more or less blind.

I need to flesh him out, but I don't think he's a Hutt. The name is not Huttese enough, for one. But yup, I want him to be as toxic and providing as many ridiculous theories as the original.

THIS PRODUCT WAS FURTHER ENCHANCED BY ADVERTISING THAT PRODUCT.

Does Findshusband, I mean Findshusband™ have an agent?

Now, that's a good idea to think about...later.

ANGRY MACE WILL KILL, KILL, KILL. AND MAKE SOUP.

 

This was so funny. Roommate.. or pet? The idea that Blayne's hair is " an anti-Imperial act in its own right," the surveillance droid that began taking apart the shuttle - so outrageous that I literally laughed out loud. And that Angry Mace™ product placement was hysterical. The best way to get your youngling their vitamins is obviously to trick them into submission.


So glad this surfaced so I could get a chance to read it and reply!

 

Love the Angry Mace™ product and its serious side effects along with the various sprinkles.

 

Wow, two more replies...on the craziest thing I have written.

Oh, wait, I also wrote this, this and this, so...the competition is tough, I get it?

Either way, thank you so much!

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Tip: read the original(s)...but do not expect any of what you saw here. *snort*

OF COURSE, MOTHERKRIFFIN' SNAKES ON A X-WING, YO!

(credit for this expression goes to Findswoman and Raissa Baiard - they became crazy once they started hanging out with me on daily bowels...I mean, basis!)

You mean, you don't bookmark things for later? The only reason I can remember what to read is the fact that I copy and paste links to a neat list in my Evernote. I recommend that website/app, good for keeping track of pretty much of...everything.

YOU DON'T CHOOSE ANGRY MACE™. ANGRY MACE™ CHOOSES YOU. YOU'RE ORDERED TO STOCK UP. NOW. NOW. NOW.

 

Oh my, the artificial milk side effects--sprinkles causing hemorrhoids - but that's just the start! Then we get LOL! Seeg Mon d'Fraud and this reporter's wild conjectures! Capped off! by Padme and Jar Jar Binks! I just loved this hilarious romp!

 

Aaaand you did two awesome things here:

1) Brought this from the depths, so people can see how ANGRY MACE™ came to be.
2) Left an awesome comment.
3) Made me realise that I have a nonsensical word early on ("preceptor", really? REALLY? ) and that I changed the spelling of Seegmon d'Fraud, so I have to change that, for consistency.

And for everybody who wondered...Seegmon is Neti, so he can annoy people across eras. Unlike his real life inspiration (who'd probably explain me why I want to be sexually assaulted by a giant octopus and how is that related to my great uncle never having had children), it's not his legacy that lives for all the wrong reasons - IT'S HIM.

Yilda should revisit that Padmé/Jar Jar issue...and she eventually will, though it appears that I now owe you not one crack!fic, but two.

That said...if anybody reads this and wonders about Yilda...
http://boards.theforce.net/threads/...15-30-june-2015.50026961/page-5#post-52352136
http://boards.theforce.net/threads/...15-30-june-2015.50026961/page-6#post-52391396
http://boards.theforce.net/threads/...15-30-june-2015.50026961/page-6#post-52406058

She also has a daughter, who is even more determined to get what she wants...she is in the first chapter of the following and there will be more of her in that story.
http://boards.theforce.net/posts/54755767/