Spring, MO Random Humor... If it's funny, put it here.

That's not a word problem it's a proof. And I'm not suprised it takes guys a whole proof to get that far, woman know Men=Headache, it's an axiom, no proof necessary

 

Why are dogs notoriously bad dancers?



Because they have 2 left feet.

 

I saw another equation like that, except it was proving that women are evil.

 

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind
him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked.

That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou
written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of One of
the horses I bet on,"he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a Good
explanation "

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and
hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked
him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

She replied,
.
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.
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"Your horse called."


and a blonde joke

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, "I have some really great news!"

I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."

She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant!

I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"

Then she said, "There's more."

I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

She said....

"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive !!!!

 

Thought this was cute!


There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means, DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest bar. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer- Eliminator-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

 

Did you hear that the Pope caught the bird-flu?


He got it from a Cardinal.

 

Why was the skeleton afraid to cross the road?



It had not guts!

 

How do monsters tell their future?




They read their horrorscopes.

 

This is some funny stuff.Ping Pong

 

What do you get when a paddy-wagon runs into the back of a cement truck?



Hardened criminals

 

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here And help

me.

I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it

started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's

finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's

a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over

the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box,

then Turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're

not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling

a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a

nice cup of tea, and then .." He sighed...............

"Let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

 

This could only make the front page headlines in Colorado... Man seriously injured when thrown by mule

 

A friend of mine sent me this. It is too true...

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because,
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computer! s, no Internet or chat rooms.......
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them�¦CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good. While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.

Kind of makes you wonder why some of us are still here, doesn't it??

 

Oh, man...reminds me of the good old days. I can't count how many times I almost died while playing as a kid: getting sucked down the river by a stronger than usual current, getting buried under a mountain of corn in a silo, almost getting run over by a combine, getting chased by bulls, falling out of trees, falling into a spring/well, and of course...the go-cart with no brakes. I think every kid did that.

 

That made me laugh!
A friend of ours when they had their 1st child (and only) used that germ-X every time before they picked him up. It was hilarious!

 

Here's one someone e-mailed me:

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It Looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I hope not, it's only 21:30 now."

( Don't ya love military time? )