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CT Rewriting the OT to suit the Prequels (humor)

Discussion in 'Classic Trilogy' started by Darth Downunder, Mar 25, 2016.

  1. Darth Downunder

    Darth Downunder Chosen One star 6

    Registered:
    Aug 5, 2001
    This was a thread idea years ago. Thought it may be a laugh to bring it back. You need to rewrite scenes & dialogue in the OT with the Prequel backstory in mind. Some good natured humor regarding the PT can be included but let's avoid any bashing. It's all in good fun & not meant to be taken seriously.

    Example:

    Vader: I've been waiting for you Obi-Wan. We meet again at last. The circle is now complete. When I left you I was but a learner ...Umm now when I say learner I mean I was a full Jedi Knight sitting on the Council who'd already trained his own apprentice, but, er you know what I mean. Anyway, now I am the Master!!
    Obi-Wan: Oh I don't think so! You're only a master of evil...Darth!
    [leaping around acrobatics]
    Vader: Your powers are weak old man!
    Obi: Bad call. Be mindful of the living Force my old Padawan. Age is irrelevant!

    You get the idea ;)
     
  2. anakinfansince1983

    anakinfansince1983 Skywalker Saga/LFL/YJCC Manager star 10 Staff Member Manager

    Registered:
    Mar 4, 2011
    My name is anakinfan and I approve this thread.

    "Your father's lightsaber...your father wanted you to have it when you were old enough but your uncle wouldn't allow it."
    "Really?"
    "Er...no. I actually took it from him when he was unconscious and burned over most of his body but I thought the other version would make you feel better."

    "Do you remember your mother? Your real mother?"
    "Just a little bit. She died when I was very young."
    "How young?"
    "About a minute...wait. I have no idea how I remember that...somehow I've always known..."

    "Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father."
    "He told me enough! He told me you thought you were ahead of him in skill and that you had a temper tantrum in front of the Council when they wouldn't promote you!"
    "Dammit."
     
  3. Deliveranze

    Deliveranze Force Ghost star 6

    Registered:
    Nov 28, 2015
    "But I was going to go to the Tosche Station to pick up some power connnnnvvvveeerrrrttttooorrrrsssss"

    Uncle Owen's inner monologue: Why does that sound familiar?

    Flashback: Hey, Anakin and Padme, Beru just made some...

    THEY'RE LIKE ANIMALS AND I SLAUGHTERED THEM LIKE ANIMALS!

    Oh...you guys are busy, ill....come back....

    Present:

    Uncle Owen to Aunt Beru: "Is it too late to return the kid?"

    "What are you? Crazy? We'll get flamed by neighbors....."

    "Ahhh, good point."




    "Many Bothans died to give us this information"

    *dead silence*

    Rebel: "Okay lady but what about the yyyyoooouuunnngggggllliiinnngggsss??????!!!!!"
     
  4. Darth Downunder

    Darth Downunder Chosen One star 6

    Registered:
    Aug 5, 2001
    Continued from above...

    Obi: Bad call. Be mindful of the living Force my old Padawan. Age is irrelevant!
    Vader: Everyone knows midichlorians diminish with age you old fool.
    Obi: Oh I don't think so!
    Vader: You already said that.
    Obi: Good call, Darth.
    [fighting]
    Vader: What're you doing? Why do you keep jumping in the air & trying to climb the walls?
    Obi: It's over Darth. I have the high ground!
    Vader: Leaping around doesn't give you the high ground. Are you senile?
    Obi: Ah but we're not in that nest of gundarks now, Darth.
    Vader: That makes no sense, & stop calling me Darth. I'm a Sith & my name is Lord Vader. It's not fair!!
    Obi: Ooh, going to have a cry again are we? You haven't changed Darth.
    Vader: Oh yeah? My powers have triple quadrupled since we last met old timer!
    Obi: You can't win Darth. If you strike me down I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.
    Vader: I'll take my chances.
     
  5. JediRoxx

    JediRoxx Jedi Knight

    Registered:
    Jan 30, 2016
    [face_laugh]

    "Chewbacca here is first mate aboard a ship that might suit us, & he's an old friend of my former Master"

    "Tell me young Luke, what brings you out this far?"
    "This little droid. He claims to be the property of an Obi..ARGH!". What are you doing??".
    "Taking a blood reading. You were saying..."
     
  6. panta1978

    panta1978 Jedi Knight star 3

    Registered:
    Mar 20, 2016
    Darth Vader: "Your feelings for them are strong. Especially for... sister. So, you have a twin sister. I knew Padme should have a prenatal screening, why didn't she listen to me?"
     
  7. darklordoftech

    darklordoftech Force Ghost star 6

    Registered:
    Sep 30, 2012
    Tarkin: I have chosen to test this station's destructive power on your home planet of Alderaan.
    Leia: The Emperor gave you permission to choose a planet to destroy?
    Tarkin: Enough with your "Palpatine is a Sith Lord" nonsense. He's a weak old man and in his old age he has given the regional governors permission to make decisions like this.
     
    seventhbeacon and Lt. Hija like this.
  8. panta1978

    panta1978 Jedi Knight star 3

    Registered:
    Mar 20, 2016
    Obi-Wan: Luke, you're going to find that many of the truths we cling to are bollocks. Anakin was a good friend. When I first met him, your father was already a great pilot. By the way, he was only 9 years old, but I was amazed how strongly the Force was with him. I took it upon myself to train him as a Jedi. I thought that I could instruct him just as well as Yoda. I was wrong. By the way. They told me he was too old to start his training, but I didn't listen to them. Then, since I somehow wanted to add insult to injury, I've decied to train you as well. I wasn't able to train your father when I was in my prime, and he was too old at the age of nine, so why don't give his 17-year old son a try? The odds I could succeed were actually 1 in 1000, and if I'd had to bet, I'd have said you'd turn to the Dark Side on the first occasion.

    Luke: I hate you!
     
  9. cubman987

    cubman987 Friendly Neighborhood Skywalker Saga/Fun&Games Mod star 7 Staff Member Manager

    Registered:
    Nov 7, 2014
    Luke: Well then the droid does belong to you.

    Obi-Wan: I don't seem to remember ever owning a droid. Very interesting.

    R2D2: What the **** man?! I saved the lives of you and your friends like 100 different times!!!
     
  10. darklordoftech

    darklordoftech Force Ghost star 6

    Registered:
    Sep 30, 2012
    Luke: Ben, why didn't you tell me that the Republic was only 1000 years old?
    Obi-Wan: On Stewjon, "generation" means year, so what I told you was true, from a certain point of view.
     
  11. Darth Formidious

    Darth Formidious Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Dec 19, 2015
    Luke: "Leia, do you remember your mother?"
    Leia: "Yes... she was rubbish at acting, just watch the prequels!"
     
  12. PymParticles

    PymParticles Manager Emeritus star 6 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Oct 1, 2014
    Luke: "She's beautiful."
    R2: *beeps*
    Luke: "What did he say?"
    3PO: "He said, 'Don't look at your sister that way.' I'm afraid I don't know what he means, sir."

    Admiral Motti: "Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader. Us Force Truthers know the Jedi's lightsaber emits a hallucinogen that simply drugs people into thinking they're choking to death."
    *Vader begins choking Motti*
    Motti: "See? *gasp* I know this is all in my head! *chokes* This is nothing but an illu– *passes out*."

    Owen Lars: "You, I supposed you're programmed for etiquette and protocol."
    3PO: "Protocol? Why, it's my primary function, sir. I am well versed in all the customs–"
    Owen: "I have no need for a protocol droid. My step-mother left us one when she died, and one day her son came along and stole it. Just took it without even asking. Not that I complained, mind you. That C-3PO was a real useless piece of bantha fodder."
    3PO: "....."

    Beru: "Luke's just not a farmer, Owen. He has too much of his father in him."
    Owen: "His father murdered an entire village of sand people and stole our protocol droid. Stop smiling."
     
  13. PTdefender3

    PTdefender3 Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Sep 12, 2015
    Lando: That was never the condition of our agreement nor was giving Han to this Bounty hunter.

    Vader: I am altering the deal just like the Emperor did when he said that I could save my wife from death but I had to kill all the Jedi and then go to mustsafar to wipe out the separatist leaders. So I didBut when I was getting ready to leave that god forsaken planet my wife should up sobbing and hysterical not believing that I did all of this because I wanted to save her from death. I was so mad I force choked her. Then to add insult to injury Obi Wan appeared and the deal went out the window. Now I have no arms no legs and have scars from 3rd deegre burns on 75 percent of my body,I also have to use this suit to live and my beloved wife is dead. Trust me you think that the deal is bad now I can make it worse do you understand?

    Lando: ( Nervously) My apologizes Lord Vader keep doing what your doing.

    Vader: Thank you (turns to Han in the tourture chair) Now where were we?
     
  14. ObiWanKnowsMe

    ObiWanKnowsMe Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Sep 7, 2015
    Han: Kid, I've flown from one side of this galaxy to the other. I've seen a lot of strange stuff but I've never seen anything to make me believe there's one all powerful force controlling everything. There's no mystical energy field that controls my destiny.

    Chewbacca: HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT THE BATTLE OF KASHYYYK WHEN I DIRECTED IT WITH YODA, THE GREAT JEDI MASTER??

    Obi-Wan: Really, Han, really? There were thousands of us Jedi and we helped run a military just twenty years ago. How are you so ignorant to say the force doesn't exist?
     
  15. PymParticles

    PymParticles Manager Emeritus star 6 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Oct 1, 2014
    Yoda: "A Jedi uses the Force for knowledge and defense; never for attack. Unless you do a standing spinning backflip to decapitate two clone troopers. If you use it for attack, it has to be cool."

    Darth Vader: "Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father."
    Luke: "He told me enough! He told me you killed him."
    Darth Vader: "... that piece of **** really told you that?"

    Darth Vader: "Obi-Wan... has taught you well. You've taken the high ground. My one weakness."

    Darth Vader (while flying down the Death Star trench): "Now this is pod racing!"

    Obi-Wan: "He feared you might get your limbs cut off and left for dead on the bank of a flowing river of lava by old Obi-Wan, like your father did."

    Obi-Wan: "A more civilized weapon, for a more civilized age. The blade cauterizes on impact, so if you cut off someone's legs, arms, their head, bisect them at the torso, no blood. Could you imagine these robes stained with red? The laundry bill would be a nightmare, and there's no possibility of the victim bleeding out. Of course, it removes the possibility of medically reattaching their limbs, but prosthetics are so advanced these days it really doesn't matter, does it? Yes, so much more civilized this way. Of course, I've modified my own so as not to cauterize. You have to keep things interesting in your old age, Luke, or there's just no point in living. Remember that."
     
  16. Darth Downunder

    Darth Downunder Chosen One star 6

    Registered:
    Aug 5, 2001
    Vader on the Death Star.

    "I sense something, the presence of my old Master...And my son...& daughter, & my future son in law & my old astromech & the droid I built for Mom!"
     
  17. AshiusX

    AshiusX Jedi Knight star 3

    Registered:
    Feb 7, 2016
    In the old canon it was explained that Chancellor was referring to the current Republic government. Which arose 1000 years ago after the Ruusan Reformation. Which gave the Republic its current form. Which happened after the Battle of Ruusan which apparently destroyed the Sith once for all. And ushered in 1000 years of Galactic Peace.

    http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Ruusan_Reformation


    Even in our world. In France for example multiple governments that have ruled France for the past 200 years are referred to as "First and Second'' and so on Republics. Because they heavily change the governmental structure.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/French_First_Republic

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/French_Second_Republic


    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/French_Third_Republic


    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/French_Fourth_Republic

    The current one is technically the 5th one.
     
  18. medioCORE

    medioCORE Jedi Knight star 1

    Registered:
    Nov 13, 2012
    Han: I think my eyes are getting better. Instead of a big dark blur, I see a big light blur.
    Luke: There's nothing to see. I used to live here, you know.
    Han: You're going to die here, you know. Convenient.
    Luke: I don't like sand.
    Han: You said it, pal.
     
  19. darklordoftech

    darklordoftech Force Ghost star 6

    Registered:
    Sep 30, 2012
    Vader: A tremor in The Force. The last time I felt I felt it was in the presence of my old master.
    Tarkin: Obi-Wan is your old master? You're Anakin Skywalker!
    I know. This thread is supposed to be funny.
     
  20. darklordoftech

    darklordoftech Force Ghost star 6

    Registered:
    Sep 30, 2012
    edit: double post
     
  21. AshiusX

    AshiusX Jedi Knight star 3

    Registered:
    Feb 7, 2016
    This one I always see in youtube comment. So isn't original.

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]
     
  22. Darth Downunder

    Darth Downunder Chosen One star 6

    Registered:
    Aug 5, 2001
    Luke: "Still, there's something familiar about this place. I feel like..."
    Yoda: "Feel like what?"
    Luke: "Like we're being watched"
    Artoo: "Beep chirp beep beep chirp beep beep"
    Luke: "Interesting. Artoo here says that YOU are a Jedi Master. He said he saw you standing with some other Jedi during some celebration about 30 years ago after the "Battle of Naboo". He said he can remember this because his memory was never wiped by Bail Organa, unlike his other droid pal"
    Yoda: "Eh, damn it! Film continuity, ruined my plans it has!"
     
  23. darklordoftech

    darklordoftech Force Ghost star 6

    Registered:
    Sep 30, 2012
    Yoda: Do not underestimate the powers of The Emperor. He can shoot lightning from his hands.
    Luke: I better hold onto my lightsaber!
     
  24. Drewdude91

    Drewdude91 Jedi Knight star 3

    Registered:
    May 21, 2011
    Obi-Wan: "Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough. Actually, no he never said anything about it. I took it from him while he burned alive. Oh, and by the way, this lightsaber was used to kill countless Jedi and younglings. Pretty cool, huh?"

    Han: "Shut him up or shut him down!"
    Leia: "You think he's bad! You should have seen Jar Jar Binks in the Imperial Senate!"

    Obi-Wan: "Now the Jedi are all but extinct. Oh, but besides myself, Yoda, and numerous others!"

    Leia: "You half-witted scruffy looking nerfhurder!"
    Han: "That's what she said!"

    Obi-Wan: "It's been so long since I've left Tatooine. Where's the hyperspace ring?"
    Han: "Those haven't existed in years!"

    Yoda: "You will destroy all, for which they have fought and suffered. As your father did when turned to the dark side to save your mother, he did"

    C-3PO: "Our last master was Captain Antilles"
    R2: *beeps*
    C-3PO: Who is Anakin Skywalker?

    Vader stops Boba from shooting Chewbacca.
    C-3PO: Thank the maker!
     
  25. Drewdude91

    Drewdude91 Jedi Knight star 3

    Registered:
    May 21, 2011
    *After Vader chokes Needa*
    Vader: Apology accepted, Captain Needa

    2 Stormtroopers witness it.

    Stormtrooper 1: He needs to cut this out. He seems angry.
    Stormtrooper 2: Yeah. No wonder why he doesn't have a wife and kids. Poor guy.