CT Rewriting the OT to suit the Prequels (humor)

Ben Kenobi: A youngish Jedi named Darth Vader, who was once my insufferable pupil and a sort-of friend until he turned evil, helped the aforementioned clones help the Empire hunt down and destroy the Jedi Knights, Masters, Padawans (which is what we called our apprentices) and Younglings (that is, the tiny children we also had hanging round—come to think of it, those terms sounded pretty stupid).

Luke: [surpised] The Clones you fought alongside?

Ben Kenobi: Yes. I stumbled across them investigating, oh, unrelated matters. We actually gained enough evidence that the clone army was created by a suspect order—in retrospect, possibly even from the Emperor or an associate of his—but we didn't really investigate it in depth or do anything about it.
Anyway, where was !? Oh, yes: Vader betrayed and murdered your father. Now the Jedi are all but extinct. Vader was seduced by the dark side of the Force; I mean, the way he acted, it's odd we didn't turf him out of the order before he did any real harm. Ultimately though, he pledged himself actually to the dark side—the official, codified version—by proclaiming loyalty to the Emperor simply because the Emperor's dark teachings coincidentally had—or were claimed to have—a certain power he wanted in order to achieve just a single goal.

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I really like this one. If spun correctly—as Obi-wan is wont to do—it could make a good horror story.

 

Luke: You have failed, your highness. I am a Jedi, like my father before me.
Emperor: Well yeah, that's what I was hoping for, actually...

 

Obi-Wan: Only Imperial troops are so precise, as long as they're clone troopers under the command of Commander Cody.

 

I only recall that Boba Fett's armor originally (1979) belonged to the Shocktroopers that were defeated by the Jedi Knights during the Clone Wars. Do you have a source for your above information?

 

Why would I need a source?
When you hear a war called "clone wars", many assumed they were about battling clones. But the prequels revealed they actually fought in defense of The Republic. Adopting clones was a large step for the Republic to become the Empire. Later played a large role for the destruction of the Jedi order.

 

In my time (the issue was adressed in various Star Wars fanzines of the 1980s) the speculation had been that it was a conflict, that had risen from one faction actually applying cloning methods to get an unfair advantage.

Just as "Star Wars" didn't suggest that stars were fighting one another, no one I remember suggested that "Clone Wars" implied clones fighting each other. On the contrary, Kenobi mentioning that Anakin followed him on an "idealistic crusade" was rather taken as a hint that the Jedi themselves were fighting the use of cloning techniques - quite ironic if we think about that in hindsight.

DarthCricketer

I like your latest Declan Mulholland avatar.

 

*Darth Vader accidentally blows up the Death Star*

VADER: Oops. Let's get out of here. I'll try spinning; that's a good trick.

 

This thread is priceless. I'll try to think of something to add which comes up to the high standard set!

 

And on the same note:

[As Vader's fighter tumbles away from the Death Star]

Vader: Spinning. Spinning! Spiiiiniiing!

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[Yoda is taking on Luke to formally train him as a Jedi]​

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Luke: But I don't want a stupid rat-tail!​

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Yoda: Sign of the Jedi trainee is the rat-tail. You must wear one!​

 

"Your father's lightsaber. This is the weapon of a Jedi Knight, Sith Lord or Cyborg General who is friendly with a Sith Lord. Not as clumsy or random as a blaster. An elegant weapon, apart from when a Cyborg General uses six of them at once while riding a motorbike ... for a more civilized age."

 

The Falcon escapes by making the jump to light speed at the end of TESB. Vader is speechless.

ADMIRAL PIETT: M...my lord?
VADER: Why'd they have to escape? Why couldn't I catch them?!
ADMIRAL PIETT: Sir....I...I'm not really sure--
VADER: I know I could have! They were within my grasp; I felt them!

Suddenly, things start to shake, windows begin to crack, and a low moaning sound is heard throughout the Star Destroyer

VADER: ......NOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooo.......

Everyone is staring at them. This is the most awkwardness Admiral Piett has ever felt.

ADMIRAL PIETT: Erm...ahem....there there, Lord Vader...

Piett gently strokes Vader's back, just like the Emperor told him to do in this kind of situation. Now, what was is that old Palpy told him to say next?

ADMIRAL PIETT: Uhhh.....t-to be angry is to be human, sir.
VADER: I'm a Sith...I know I'm not supposed to be whiny like this.....sorry.
ADMIRAL PIETT: Umm....a-apology accepted, m-my lord.

 

Yoda: Luke, do not underestimate the powers of the Emperor. He can wield force lighting. Block it with your lightsaber you can.

Obi-Wan Kenobi: This was your father's lightsaber, and now this weapon is your life. Try not to lose it.

 

Yoda: If you leave now, help them you could, but...you would destroy all for which they have fought and suffered. For example take me. Allowed Count Dooku to kill your father and Obi-Wan with that pillar, I should have. I would not have had to spend a few weeks with you had you never been born. A pain in the arse you have been in my old age. Comprised the Sith's Clone Wars I would have with Dooku's death. Become like your father you must not! Let your friends die. Learn to let go of those you love.

 

Vader: Come with me. It is the only way.

Luke: If you'll excuse me... [Luke falls]

Ghost Obi-Wan: I hate it when you and your son do that, Darth.

 

Darth Vader: You don't know the power of the dark side. I must obey my master.

Luke: You've never wanted to obey anyone. You think you can outmaneuver and conquer every leader.

Darth Vader: I can. I can kill them all.

Luke: Only in your mind, my very burnt father.

 

That's gold

Yoda: Luke...Luke. There is ano...ther...Sky...wal...ker...
[Luke looks away, tears welling in his eyes]
Yoda: Luke! Luke...not dead quite yet am I.
[Luke leans in close to hear his Jedi Master clinging to his last breath]
Yoda: Luke...(cough) say hello to Chew...bacca you must. Miss him...I...do...

 

Yoda: Will he finish what he begins? I think not. Trained the girl you should have before you died. She has better emotional regulation than this reckless boy. Instability I see in him...much like his father. The girl could handle what I am about to put the boy through. More wisdom she has. She has learned control...like her mother before her. He knows only ambition and rage...like his father before him.

 

One word: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(For some reason my ears are especially susceptible to Jake Lloyd's voice)

 

Luke: There is still good in him.
Obi-Wan: That's funny, your mother told me the same thing right before she died of a broken heart and lost the will to live.
Luke: Wait...what?
Obi-Wan: In a minute! You cannot escape your destiny. You must face Darth Vader again.
Luke: I can't kill my own father. Now wha-
Obi-Wan: Then the Emperor has already won. You were our only hope.
Luke: Why can't I just try to convert my father back to the good side? Wouldn't
that be better than killing him? About my mot--
Obi-Wan: Uhh, no, you need to kill him. Do it. Do it now!
Luke: His fate will be the same as ours. Now, about my mother--
[Obi-Wan disappears]

 

Obi Wan: And he was a good friend despite being whiny, creepy, irritating, and extremely awkward. In fact, myself and several other Jedi would talk behind his back all the time about how irritating he was and how he was arrogant and not ready. They're all dead now. Every. Single. One. Dead. Killed by him. Except for my old friend who I haven't seen in twenty years, so I'm assuming he committed suicide or was eaten. Oh, your father also murdered all the Jedi children and strangled your mother. Then I had to go kill him on the lava planet but only managed to cut off all of his limbs. I watched him burn alive, and I left him to die and-

Hey Luke, Luke, hey ol' buddy why do you have your father's Jedi Children Murder stick activated and aimed at me?

 

Luke to Vader in ESB- Stop taking my hand!

 

Luke
"Obi Wan, why didn't you tell me how to block force lightning?"

Obi-Wan
"Because I don't know how. Count Dooku used it and I was down in 5 seconds flat."

Luke
"Yoda, why didn't you teach me that trick that you used with Dooku?"

Yoda
"Because whiny and annoying, you were."