CT Rewriting the OT to suit the SEQUELS (humor)

A companion thread to this one: https://boards.theforce.net/threads/rewriting-the-ot-to-suit-the-prequels-humor.50039598/

As in that thread, the idea is to rewrite scenes & dialogue in the OT, but this time with the Sequel story in mind. Some good natured humor regarding the ST can be included but let's avoid any bashing. It's all in good fun & not meant to be taken seriously.
(You put it so well, @Darth Downunder, that I decided to simply copy/adjust parts of your OP. I hope you don't mind )


I'll go first:


ANAKIN: Go, my son. Leave me...!

LUKE: No, you're coming with me! I'll not leave you here. I've got to save you!

ANAKIN: You already have, Luke. You were right. You were right about me. Tell your sister... there... is... ano... ther... P-al... pa... tine...


Have fun!

 

"Admiral Ozzel pulled a Jar Jar and came out of lightspeed too close to the system."

 

Force ghosts on Endor:

Obi-Wan: Should we tell Luke that the Emperor has clones and that he will fail at resurrecting the Jedi Order?

Yoda: No, let him enjoy his moment, we will.

 

THREEPIO: As a matter of fact, I'm not even sure which planet I'm on.

LUKE: Well, if there's a bright center to the universe, you're on the planet that it's farthest from.

THREEPIO: Oh, Jakku?

LUKE: Hehe, no, it's actually-

THREEPIO: ...Crait?

LUKE: Umm, no...

THREEPIO: Not Exegol?!

LUKE: Alright!! So there are worse planets in the galaxy than Tatooine! You've made your point.

THREEPIO: Ooooooohhh, we're on Tatooine!

LUKE: *snorts* Yeah, like you didn't know.

 

Palpatine shrieks "I shall retuuuuuurrrrnnnnn!" as he falls down the Death Star reactor shaft.

 

How about a thread about rewriting the OT to fix its own flaws?

 

You mean like this one: https://boards.theforce.net/threads/rewriting-the-originals.50019440/ ?

 

Yeah, that's it. Thanks.

 

OBI-WAN: You may have to kill your own father.

LUKE: No problem. I have no qualms about killing family members, apparently.

 

"Execute Order Thiiiiirrrrrrrrty-Ooooooone!"

"Was that the "Start cloning me so a new body is ready in thirty-one years, or the "fire up the ship yards on Exegol to create the final order?"
"I think it had something to do with Operation: Cinder?"
"No, that's just a "in the event of my demise" order."
"Wait, it's coming to me... Ah-ha, we were both right, along with "send the Empire to wander in the Unknown Regions for thirty years in search of a clone body I sent there ages ago just to be on the safe side."
"Boy, our Emperor really does think of everything."
"Do you think we should do anything about the dude dragging Darth Vader's body onto that imperial shuttle?"
"What's the script say, because I've been ad-libbing for the past five minutes."
"Uhm...it says 'and then the Death Star explodes'."
"...Well, that su-"
*ker-splosion*

 

A single X-Wing flies to the Deathstar.
Wedge: Attention, this is Commander Wedge Antilles of the Republic fleet, i have a urgent communique for Grand Moff Tarkin.
Tarkin: Patch him through. This is Grand Moff Tarkin of the Galactic Empire, the Republic is no more. Your fleet are rebel scum and war criminals, tell your precious princess: There will be no terms, there will be no surrender.
Wedge: Hi, i'm holding for Grand Moff Tarkin.
Tarkin: This is Tarkin, you and your friends are doomed. We will wipe your filth from the galaxy.
Wedge: Ok, i hold.
Tarkin: Hello?
Wedge: Hello, yeah still here.
Tarkin: Can you... can he hear me?
Wedge: Tarkin...
Tarkin: He can.
Wedge: ...with an edge, skinny guy, kinda pasty.
Tarkin: I can hear you. Can you hear me?
Wedge: Look i can't hold forever, if you reach him tell him Leia has an urgent message for him...
Commander #1: I believe he is tooling with you sir.
Wedge: ...about his mother.
Tarkin: You may fire when ready...
Commence Primary ignition
Wedge: R2, punch it.
Commander #1: He's going for the surface.
Tarkin: Insane, in our moment of triumph.
X-Wing goes pew-pew, pew-pew
Tarkin: Lord Vader, why aren't you blasting that puny ship?
Vader: That puny ship is too small and at too close range, we need to scramble our fighters... 5 bloody minutes ago.
Lt. Tanbris: He's never gonna penetrate our armor.
Vader: He's not trying to penetrate our armor, he's clearing up our surface cannons
Wedge: One cannon left... and here comes the parade.
A swarm of TIEs hunt the X-Wing
R2: Beep-Beep-Boop
Wedge: Yeah, yeah, i see 'em.
X-Wing is hit.
Wedge: No, No, dammit. R2 my weapon systems are down, we gotta take out that last cannon or our bombers are toast. Work your magic buddy.
R2: Wrrrrp-Wheeooo-Beep-Beep
Vader: Have the laser cannon primed.
DS trooper: Primed to ready sir.
Vader: What are we waiting for? Fire on the base!
Yavin-4 explodes.

 

INT: EXECUTOR-BRIDGE

PIETT: Lord Vader, the Emperor commands you to make contact.

VADER: Pull the ship out of the atseroid field so that we can send a clear transmission.

EXT: SPACE

The Executor lifts away from the chaos of the asteroid field.

INT: EXECUTOR-VADER'S PRIVATE CHAMBER

Vader walks to the holopad and takes a knee.

VADER: What is thy bidding my master?

A hologram of Snoke appears.

SNOKE: Is this thing on? Oh, it's ready, dad.

Palpatine appears.

VADER: Who was that?

PALPATINE: No one.

VADER: Dad?

PALPATINE: He's not my real son.

VADER: Am I? We never cleared that up.

PALPATINE: Neither are you. None of you are my real kids.

VADER: Do you have any real kids?

PALPATINE: I think Garreth Edwards, but he might be a clone that looks nothing like me. ...anyway, speaking of people's kids.

 

Throne Room Scene Redux:

Palpatine: Ha,ha,ha,ha, i did not expect Skywalker to be here.
Vader: His lightsaber.
Luke uses the force to grab it but Palpatine let's it fly against his face.
Luke: Ugh
Palpatine: Such spunk.
Palpatine grabs Luke with the force and drags him to the exterior window.
Palpatine: See for yourself, the entire Alliance on those ships, soon they will all be gone
Luke uses the force to grab Vader's lightsaber.
Palpatine: Ohhhhh, give in to your anger. Strike me down.
Luke jumps and prepares for a strike
Luke: Huuuaah
Palpatine lifts his finger and throws Luke away with the force.
Luke: Aaagh
Vader's lightsaber falls conveniently back to Vader.
Palpatine: And because of that, you must die.
Luke is now a puppet on Palpatine's force-strings, to move and turn at a whim.
Luke: Unngh
Palpatine: My worthy apprentice, son of darkness, heir apparent to the Sith, where there was conflict, i now sense resolve. Now fulfill your destiny.
Vader: I know what i have to do.
Luke: Why?
Palpatine: Aaah, you think you can turn him? He, he, pathetic child. I cannot be betrayed, i cannot be beaten, i see his mind, i see his every intent. Yees, i see him turning the lightsaber to strike and now young fool, he ignites it and kills his true enemy.
Vader uses the force to ignite Luke's lightsaber at Palpatine's side and cuts through him in surprise. Palpatine's upper torso falls from his throne. They have a inconsequential fight with the royal guard.
Luke: The fleet, order them to stop firing, there's still time to save the fleet.
Vader stares at the throne with Palpatine's lifeless corpse. Everything is silent except for his breathing.
Luke: Father?
Vader breathes heavier.
Vader: It's time to let old things die... Palpatine, Anakin Skywalker, the Sith, the Jedi, the Rebels, let it all die. Luke, i want you to join me, we can rule as father and son and bring a New Order to the galaxy.
Luke: *sobs* don't do this father. I'm a jedi like my father.
Vader: No, no you are still holding on. Let go! Do want to know the truth about your parents? You know the truth.
Luke: *sobs* They were nobody.
Vader: The jedi sold you off to filthy moisture farmers. The dead, you know mother's grave is in a Tatooine desert. You have no place in this story, you come from nothing, you are nothing...
Luke weeps

And afterwards Luke was to depressive to rebuild the jedi order and prefers hiding in exile to drink blue milk.

 

Killjoy...

 

EXTERIOR: ENDOR-EWOK KEGGER

LEIA: Hey, in thirty years, we should all get together and do this again.

*everyone grossly misinterprets what she means

LUKE: Nah.

 

“What is thy bidding, my Master?”


Vader suddenly lifts up and falls comically on his stomach.


Palpatine says, “My disappointment in your performance cannot be overstated.”


Vader slides across the floor while his officers watch.

 

Luke slashes the head of Darth Vader in Dahobah and it reveals:

Jake Skywalker?

 

"Blow that piece of junk OUT OF THE SKY!!" should be the line used whenever the Empire is pursuing the Millenium Falcon. It would bring new meaning to Finn's comment that "Oh, they HATE that ship!" It could become the "I have a bad feeling about this" that the villains say in every episode.

 

and a random First Order soldier could say "well she does make .5 past light speed."

 

YODA: When gone am I, the last of the Jedi will you be. Pass on what you have learned.

LUKE: I will.

YODA: Mean it, I do! Pass it all on, you must.

LUKE: Not moisture farming though, right?

YODA: Spoken, I have.

 

1.This edited version of Luke's fall fits well with the comedy in TLJ. (It also subverts the expectations pretty well)



It just lacks Luke's scream of the 1997 edition.

2.This should have happened in ROTJ which mirrors with what actually happens in TLJ throne scene.

 

Force ghosts on Endor:

Obi-Wan: Hey, who taught Anakin how to become a Force Ghost?

Yoda: Another continuity error, there is.

 

LUKE: I saw... I saw a village in the desert.

YODA: Mmm... A friend, you have there.

LUKE: He was old. Looked a bit like Ben. And... kind of like an exorcist.

YODA: It is the future you see.

LUKE: The future?

YODA: The far future.

LUKE: Okay... So, why am I seeing this now? I don't even know who that guy is.

YODA: A teaser for things to come, it is. Doesn't it make you curious?

LUKE: Yeah, I guess it does.

YODA: The power of connective tissue, that is.

 

Obi-Wan: And this is your father's lightsaber. It is the weapon of a jedi.

Luke: Oh let me see.

Obi-Wan: *tosses lightsaber over his shoulder and out the window*