Saga Rogue One Humorous Version-Rouge One: A Star Wart Removal Story - Spoiler Warning!

WARNING ROGUE ONE, GENERAL SW AND POSSIBLE MCU SPOILERS!!!!
Title: Rouge One: The Rogue One Humorous Version
Rating: A mild PG-13 for language, some sex-humor, possible drug references, and violence, major character deaths.
Authors: study3600
Characters: Jeannie Ergo, Ender Wiggins, K2-SLOW, Cheeriot Honey, Vain, Darth Vacuous, Wilhuff Tarpin, Orwell Kremlin, Emporer Sheev Palpitatine, Jigsaw Gerrera, R2-D2, See-Stinky O, Princess Lee Smits, Nose Man, Dr Afro, Bubba Fett, Cadbury Bunny, Finnicky Shantytown, Omega Fatty Acid Clone Female type, Yoga, Ahsoka Bratto, the Kitchen Sink, Moss Canada
Genre: Humor/fantasy
Synopsis: Rebels striking from a hidden base gain their first victory against the Evil Galactic Empire and obtain plans for the Deadly Star that Princess Lee accidentally switches with her mother's secret recipe for great Nachos.

Note: So far this is only Original Material Though anyone is free to jump in, as this is an add on. I will not repost anything anywhere unless I have yours and the mods permission. If I don't have your permission to repost a scene I will come up with my own version of the scene. -study

A long time ago in a galaxy of cosmetic supply depots and chemical factories producing lots ands lots of make-up, lipstick, rouge and eye-shadow....



There's no opening title crawl so I'll make up a parody one....

SC 01 EXT SPACE

A vast sea of stars that look like dots of yellow lipstick serve as the backdrop of a star-filled field of lipstick stars, as a TITLE CRAWL crawls into infinity....


EPISODE III 1/2

ROUGE ONE

RIGHT BEFORE STAR WARS A NEW HOPE, although we don't exactly know why the TAINTED IV stopped at Patootie to try to get General McNobi's help since they could have just went directly to All-Drained instead of out of their way to the Outer Rim to go to Patootie, but go fig, this is fantasy, A WHOLE TWO HOUR MOVIE was CREATED to explain one PLOTHOLE. And also to EXTRAPOLATE ONE MAJOR PLOT POINT from the TITLE CRAWL OF STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE. Marvin Gaye Ergo and his wife Lyrical Ergo have holed up on a luscious green UNNAMED PLANET we shall dub PLANET GREEN to escape forced labor imposed by the Umpire on Marvin Gaye Ergo to help the Genesins of Genesis Planet and Director Kremlin construct the most powerful superweapon in the Galaxy, the DEADLY STAR, whose PRIMARY WEAPON doesn't seem to be able to destroy more than just one city at a time until A NEW HOPE. Meanwhile, ENDER WIGGINS, a REBELLIOUS SPY has been sent on a mission to a PREQUEL STYLE RING OF CIVILIZATION THAT SEEMS TO EXIST IN THE VACUUM OF SPACE....

Opens on a shot of a planet which pans up to a view of planetary rings with a small ship flying through them. Switches to a shot of the planet LIMA BEAN SOUP THE PLANET NOT THE KABLINGOAN, a planet SO GREEN it's GREENNESS IS TOO GREEN to be NATURAL and the ship flying through the rings. A shot of the planet closer up with the ship flying towards the surface. The ship flies down across a farm and passes by a white worker droid, who watches the ship.

WORKER DROID (To another droid.): Imperials. Oh, ****! There goes the planet!

Cuts to a young Jeannie Ergo running across the rocky plain with the ship following behind her.

INT ERGO HOMESTEAD (Inside the Ergo Homestead)

YOUNG JEANNIE ERGO: I'm hongry Mama. Wanna watch cartoons! Now! Gimme snack!

LYRICAL ERGO: No, Jeannie! The Imperials are a comin! Gatha ya things, it'sa time, tis! They already tuk all ya brudda's an sisters and fuced em inta slaveahry! Dey ain't takin' you, ma daughta. Go hide while I contact Jigsaw Gerrarah!


SC 02 EXT LIMA BEAN SOUP THE TOO GREEN PLANET-PLAIN-DAY

The ship lands near the Ergo Homestead, where the deer and the antelope play, and skies are not cloudy all day. where there is seldom heard the cry of-


GARETH EDWARDS: Okaaay, study, we get the picture already! Next scene, please!

SC 03 INT LIMA BEAN SOUP- ERGO HOMESTEAD-SECRET REBELLIOUSNESS COMMUNICATION ROOM

Lyrical Ergo contacts Jigsaw Gerrera.

JIGSAW GERRERA: Ah, if it isn't Lyrical. Do you want to play a game, Lyrical?

LYRICAL: No time fa dat. It's usually real creepa an I don't got time fa dat! It's happened! Kremlin has come for us!

JIGSAW: Does he want to play a game?

LYRICAL: Do you want me to tell Jeannie to hide?

JIGSAW: Hide and seek? Sounds like a good game!

LYRICAL: Okaaay....see you!

JIGSAW: Thanks for playing!

Holo fades.

MARVIN GAYE ERGO: Now, Jeannie, Sweetie Pie, come here. Remembuh, whatever I be doin, I be doin it ta pruhtec ya! Say yuh unduhstand!

Marvin Gaye Ergo embraces Jeannie and the two stand still for a few moments.

YOUNG JEANNIE ERGO: I unduhstayuhn, Papa!

MARVIN GAYE ERGO: I love you, Angeldust.

YOUNG JEANNIE ERGO: I luvs ya too, Papa!

LYRICAL ERGO: Marvin....

MARVIN GAYE ERGO: Go.

SC 04 EXT LIMA BEAN SOUP THE PLANET- ERGO HOMESTEAD (Outside the home)

LYRICAL ERGO: Jeannie, honey-boo-boo, you know where ta go, dontcha? Trust the Force.

Lyrical takes off a pendant and hands it over to her daughter, fastening it around her neck.

In front of the Ergo homestead stands Direcktor Orwell Kremlin flanked by Deadtroopers. Marvin confronts Kremlin.

DIREKTOR ORWELL KREMLIN: You're a hard man to find, Marvin. But farming? Really, a man of your talents?

MARVIN: (Smiles wickedly) Commence primary ignition. Standby.

Suddenly TWO HUGE DEATH RAYS fire on KREMLIN and the DEADTROOPER'S position. They are seemingly blasted to smithereens but turn out only to be holographic projections of themselves.

VOICE OF KREMLIN: Just as I thought, Marvin. Bravo. Give it up. We have you surrounded and your planet blockaded.


MARVIN: I call your bluff. My Droids are all trained munitions experts. When I say the word every position you could be hiding and transmitting your voice from will blown to stardust. And I have more Death Rays trained on each one of your Imperial ships. Leave my planet.


VOICE OF KREMLIN: Now I call your bluff. I've been calling peoples' bluffs since before you were in diapers. Give it up. I have more than enough deadtroopers to flush you down the crapper.

MARVIN: (Sighs) It's a rather lonely life since Lyrical died. Programming assassin droids and killer drones and fine tuning death ray guidance systems has become a pasttime for me. Get off my planet or you and all your deadtroops are dead. And that's not a bluff.

VOICE OF KREMLIN: (As five deadtroopers march Lyrical out of their homestead. How discouraging. That seldom happens.) Funny how a "dead wife" can suddenly turn up alive even while her husband is busy lamenting her death, isn't it, Marvin? Where were your trained assassin droids and drones to stop my troops from finding her as we were busy monologueing to each other?

MARVIN GAYE ERGO: What is it you want?!

KREMLIN: The work has stalled. We need you to come back.

MARVIN: I won't do it, Kremlin!

KREMLIN: We're on the verge of greatness, we almost have peace and security for the Impire!

MARVIN: You're confused. Peace isn't terror. That's what Shrub thought. His PATRIOT Act-

KREMLIN: Palpitatatine's Patriot act was the result of the terror of the separatists. We needed more leeway to keep tabs on those who were spies.

MARVIN: Benjamin Franklin said those who give up freedom for security deserve neither.

KREMLIN: He also said everyone who followed him would be hanged seperately.

MARVIN: God you've always been so good at misquoting brilliant philosophers!

Suddenly Lyrical takes a potshot at the now emerging Kremlin but is gunned down.

MARVIN: LYRICAL!!!!!!! DAMN YOU KREMLIN! I'll do it. But don't expect me to not put a little Easter Egg for the Rebellion in there as well, Damn you!

KREMLIN: Plato was right when he said that politics was the greatest good.

MARVIN: That was Socrates. Plato wrote down his Master's words. And he would call the Empire tyranny.

KREMLIN: There are philosophies in heaven and earth, Horatio, that are not dreamt of in your imagination. Such is the good philosophy of a well run empire like a fine-tuned fully wound Swiss watch.

MARVIN: Damn you, Kremlin. You even butcher Shakespeare.


SC 05 SECRET HATCH-DAY

Jeannie Ergo hides in a secret hatch. It opens. Jeannie fires a blaster at Jigsaw Gerrara who pounds on his wounded shoulder as he comes closer. His creepy mask with the hypnosis spirals on the cheeks creep Jeannie out.


JIGSAW GERRERA: Want to play a game, little girl.

Jeannie screams in terror, traumatized.


JIGSAW GERRERA: Come, child. We have a long ride ahead of us. We'll play lots of games along the way.

 

@Iron_lord Note for Mods: He PM'd me saying he would critique me and I know he won't be able to find most of my stuff unless I direct him there.

 

Should be spelled "Dreamt" not "dreampt".

 

I changed dreampt to dreamt and eliminated the word 'not' from line 52 of the script (a line being a paragraph other detritus or a scene description or the STAR WARS logo included also, excluding the Title Card with the fanfic information at the top and the Note below it) to make the line make sense. The Humorous Versions are hilarious but usually they have to make sense, though they can have completely off the wall things in them and go close to the extremes of good humor.

Some of the principles of humor that I, Brent V, have discovered:

1 The first principle was said in a line of dialogue in the film Crimes and Misdemeanors. If it bends, it's funny. If it breaks, it's not funny.
2 Most humor needs to make sense to be funny.
3 Most humor has a ring of truth to it.
4 Some jokes are not funny.
5 A visual gag usually elicits humor in some or most unless it is beyond the bounds of what is funny.
6 Intentional anachronisms in period pieces are usually funny.
7 An out of franchise reference or reference to another franchise or reference to a real-life person or persona in a story is usually funny.
8 Some things should never be joked about.
9 Sex and death are two topics that generate the most humor because they deal so closely with the two most important life issues to most men.
10 Some sexual humor is not the same as dirty jokes because dirty jokes usually elicit desire in men and some sexual humor is only meant for humor, though can elicit desire in some.
11 Some things are funny because they sound or look that way whether or not they make sense.
12 It is wrong to make everything in life into a joke.
13 Humor is a good panacea that cures all ills.
14 Humor should not be employed all too much in the House of the Lord or on the Lord's day, commonly called Sunday by men of earth, which should be held reverent.
15 Making a joke at another's expense can either be offensive or in jest, but some men take offense at a jest.

To all: Feel free to share this small work of mine (The Fifteen Principles of Humor with the superscription at the top included) with as many people as you wish, without change or alteration. There ought to be more humor in the world. It would lighten up many tense situations and heal many wounds.

@Iron_lord