Before the Saga S.R.A.K. - Serpent Related Ass Kicking [Fanon Horror Challenge completed]

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by Sith-I-5, Sep 28, 2017.

  1. Sith-I-5

    Sith-I-5 Force Ghost star 6

    Aug 14, 2002
    S.R.A.K. – Serpent Related Ass Kicking

    Fanon Thread - Fanon Horror Challenge

    Chosen Fanon - Gamiel's 'Eye of the Serpent' sect

    The black-robed Darth Enemy had taken a few days break from the Great Sith War to attend the Eye of the Serpent ritual.

    He and the twenty or so other sentients taking part, had spent a good hour walking down the rough surfaced, sloping tunnels under the barren sun-bleached canyon, to this high-ceilinged cavern, in which the only illumination was the ring of dancing orange flames that encircled the writhing mass of captured or purchased serpents from across the members’ worlds, or even from this one.

    The myriad creatures looked dark in the stygian blackness.

    Darth Enemy was a new supplicant, curious to join this mysterious sect, and to see if the serpent-related Force Powers purported in the pamphlet would give him an advantage against his rivals.

    The Sith Lord had his right arm raised above and in front of his hooded face, holding the tail of the young snake that he was supposed to chow down, while the thing reared up and lunged at his face, seeking to sink it’s fangs into his nose or cheeks.

    Dodging aside for the umpteenth time, Enemy looked past it at the Grand Priest, Boss Tibilo, elevated on a low pedestal, that two of the junior members had wheeled down here, and called to him over the incessant hissing from all around, “Are you quite sure that I have to do this with a live snake?

    “Yes!” The stern sect leader retorted testily, the eyes in the fearsome durasteel snake head helmet glowing in the dark. “Supplicants to the Eye of the Serpent need to learn to do as they are told, when they are told.”

    Enemy was sympathetic to that stance. It was a behaviour that he encouraged in his own Sith minions back home.

    But still, as ‘supper’ snapped again at his face, he persisted, “This is not, in any way, the equivalent of sending the new guy for a left-handed prybar?

    Boss Tibilo put up a palm, and turned to another of the worshippers, “Deity dammit, Arthur! How many times have I told you not to bring your inflatable pleasure dolls to ceremonies?!”

    The worshipper in question, used a furred claw to push back his dark hood, to reveal the wolf-like head of a Shistavenen, trying to look innocent, and evolutionally ill-equipped for it. “What dolls?”

    “You know what I’m talking about, you deviant. I can hear the hissing. It sounds like a punctured vacsuit”

    Deviant Art, so called for….reasons, one of which begins with ‘p’, and ends in ‘un’, growled softly. “You are late to the party, Grand Priest. My wife threw them out while I was at work. And she says she will go through my bills to make sure I don’t buy any more.”

    “W-wife?” Tibilo echoed uncertainly, narrowing his eyes at his subordinate. “Why would you need dolls if you’ve got a wife?”

    “They don’t get headaches?”

    “Typical male.” The sole female worshipper, Andea Norton, shook her head at Art, her dark robe decorated with golden whorls that caught the firelight.

    Darth Enemy did not know what in Hapes she actually was, but he watched as she put her head back, yawning her mouth open like the Utapau sinkhole, and lowering her compliant snake, that he was willing to bet, wasn’t alive like his, in.

    He coughed up some phlegm, which he had been feeling in his throat since halfway along the damp tunnel, and rather than spit it on the sandy floor beneath his boots, decided to see if he could hit a moving target, eyeing his suspended serpent’s beady little black ones, as it tested the air with its forked tongue.

    C’mon little fella. Uncle Enemy has a surprise for you.

    The snake coiled up into an ‘s’ shape, then jumped for him again, fanged jaw wide.


    It’s a hit!” Enemy cackled at the distraught snake as it swung, open mouthed, away from him; then added insult to injury by bring his hand down fast, then up and down to snap the snake like a Zygerrian electro-whip, it’s head flying off into the darkness.

    A hissing sound that had been a background noise, suddenly rose in intensity, echoing to the distant roof.

    The Sith Lord dropped his arm by his side, the dying serpent knocking against his robes as it continued to writhe.

    One by one, two by two, the other sect members stopped what they were doing, and also looked out into the darkness.

    Enemy could not see anything, but the Force was telling him something. “I have a very odd feeling about this.

    “Anyone got a lumi?” Tibilo asked of the group. “A glowrod? Lord Enemy, how about a Wall of Light?”

    Wrong side of the Force, I’m afraid.” He frowned, thinking. “Though hang on, how about some Force Lightning? Make sure you are not standing in any puddles, everyone.

    Perhapssss, we can help.

    Darth Enemy had his gloved hand, the one without the snake, raised aloft, and paused at the hissing speech from the darkness. He felt a feeling of dread come over him, which was not a common occurrence to one of his powers.

    Who's there?

    Glowing yellow balls, a metre off the ground, sprang into being around them, the cavern brightening with each one, each illuminating the bright underside scales of a large snake-like creature, their heads two metres off the floor, and a humped body extending three metres behind them.

    Dozens of the large serpents stood, shoulder to shoulder, but not, around them.

    One nodded its great head. “Hello.

    “Hello.” The Eye of the Serpent nervously chorused back.

    So what’s all this business we hear about you peeps swallowing snakes?

    Darth Enemy slowly moved the hand holding his snake, behind his body, and dropped the creature to the floor. He told himself that it was to free up his hand for some lightsabre combat, but that wasn’t the only reason.

    “We follow ancient teachings that tell of Force Powers that can be achieved with the use of serpents.” Boss Tibilo tried to explain.

    And there was nothing mentioned about other species taking offense to this practice?

    Eventually finding her words, Andea stammered softly of their visitors, “Wh-what are you?”


    Darth Enemy pressed his lips together to stifle a smile at this response.

    “N-no. I meant, s-sort of-of-”

    Species.” Enemy interrupted. “What species are you?

    Oh! Slith.

    Arthur quipped, quick as a flash. “Aw, Slith just got real.”

    "Yes, thank you Art'." The Grand Priest sniffed. "You are not helping."

    Enemy looked back at Boss Tibilo. “I hope we have an emergency plan for when a band of vigilante snakes rocks up to our secret ceremony, Grand Priest, otherwise, I expect ‘oh slith’, or words to that effect, to be many people’s last words.

    We wants to make sure that our…cousins…are not dying for no reason.” The spokes…snake elaborated. “So, snake-related Force Powers on three. One. Two-

    The Sith Lord stepped away from the others, and turned to regard the sect members.

    The Grand Priest squared up on his plinth, one foot leading, and moved his hands in an Oroubourous infinity gesture, ending both hands in front of his chest, one lower and ahead of the other, palms up with fingers curled. "Serpentine Evasion, Guys."

    As one, the sect took up similar positions, squaring up to the Slith.

    Darth Enemy looked from the Eye of the Serpent followers to the actual serpents. “Oh, you drokkers are on your own.” He pulled his lightsabre hilt from under his flowing vestments, and slid the activation switch, a lance of crimson plasma shooting up in front of him, casting a red glow onto the black armour that he wore beneath the open robes, and as well as onto his face.

    It’s activation must have been taken as some sort of signal, for as it lit up, the light spheres that that had illuminated the Slith, faded, their dying glows showing the horrors surging forwards, then plunging the place into darkness, the flames behind the worshippers intermittently reflecting off scales and fangs as the giant serpents struck at the dodging cult members, two of the huge creatures coiling round to investigate the vibrations behind them after the Sith Lord jumped over their heads to land behind them, and make a break for the exit.

    Screams punctuated the underground cavern, but there was no-one to hear them.

    The End
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2019
    Exeter, TheRynJedi, Ewok Poet and 6 others like this.
  2. Chyntuck

    Chyntuck Force Ghost star 5

    Jul 11, 2014
    I was wondering what a Sith-I-5 horror story would be when I saw your post in the fanon thread, and this did certainly not disappoint. It's a real horror story, but with your typical zaniness :D

    I love how irreverently you treat these scary Sith lords here – yes, they're real baddies, but there's nothing to stop them from engaging in a bit of toilet-like humour. And Darth Enemy is in many ways a true Sith who, in the end, will look first and foremost after his own hide and the rest of his team be damned.

    The whole thing with the snakes was adequately creepy too, from the actual scene of trying to swallow live snakes to the arrival of the giant Sliths ( [face_laugh] ) and their all-out attack on the Sith gathering. The last line had me laughing and cringing at the same time, I could just imagine the crunching sounds while Darth Enemy ran away.
  3. Cowgirl Jedi 1701

    Cowgirl Jedi 1701 Force Ghost star 5

    Dec 21, 2016
    *Pauses for breath*

    This is supposed to be scary?

    *Continues LMAO*
    AzureAngel2 and Sith-I-5 like this.
  4. PlanetSmasher

    PlanetSmasher Jedi Knight star 2

    Mar 14, 2017
    A dark comedy? More comedy than dark. That last line, though... "Screams punctuated the underground cavern, but there was no-one to hear them." Does that mean that Darth Enemy didn't make his escape? Because if he did, he'd be the one hearing their cries as he ran....
    AzureAngel2 and Sith-I-5 like this.
  5. Sith-I-5

    Sith-I-5 Force Ghost star 6

    Aug 14, 2002
    No, Darth Enemy does not make it to the surface either. Two of the Slith detect his vibrations when he lands, and chase him down.

    Going by feedback, 2 to 1, I suck at scary.
    AzureAngel2 likes this.
  6. Cowgirl Jedi 1701

    Cowgirl Jedi 1701 Force Ghost star 5

    Dec 21, 2016
    But you are good at funny.
    Ewok Poet, AzureAngel2 and Sith-I-5 like this.
  7. gizkaspice

    gizkaspice Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Nov 27, 2013
    I'm gonna be on the Slith's side here and support the campaign of #RespectTheSnakeOrElse :p
    AzureAngel2 and Sith-I-5 like this.
  8. Sith-I-5

    Sith-I-5 Force Ghost star 6

    Aug 14, 2002
    Thank you for reading. Are you able to identify one or two elements that you particularly liked?
    AzureAngel2 likes this.
  9. earlybird-obi-wan

    earlybird-obi-wan Chosen One star 6

    Aug 21, 2006
    Love the fun in this story and the slithering horror with the Sith and Slith
    Sith-I-5 likes this.
  10. Chyntuck

    Chyntuck Force Ghost star 5

    Jul 11, 2014
    Sith-I-5 I think that what works really well here is that you follow every creepy image (snake snapping at Enemy's mouth, the female worshipper swallowing her snake) with a retort that's just completely out of place. It was the left-handed prybar that did me in [face_laugh] It doesn't make for a scary read, but it does have a "horror in Absurdistan" vibe (for me at least).
    Tarsier likes this.
  11. Sith-I-5

    Sith-I-5 Force Ghost star 6

    Aug 14, 2002
    Thank you to everyone who has read and left feedback. Not often that I get as many as five people looking in.

    Chyntuck - thank you for chiming in again. :) You were the only one that left a substantive review in the first place, so I am appreciative to get a second bite of the cherry.

    While writing scary or creepy visuals, my actual mindset should have been to look for things that made me wince or cringe, rather than laugh.

    Unless I turn out to be the only Challenge entrant, I've lost this one from the get-go.
    AzureAngel2 and Chyntuck like this.
  12. PlanetSmasher

    PlanetSmasher Jedi Knight star 2

    Mar 14, 2017
    That's amazing. Were you really aiming for scary? I think I understand what happened. You had a scary, and foreboding setting, a dimly lit cave with snakes held in cages, a secret cult of Sith preparing to conduct a dark ritual, but then..... The dialog took the edge off of the potential horror. It really made the whole situation even more comical.

    I really enjoyed this short story. It's too bad Darth Enemy didn't make it. I would have liked to see him in other situations.... May I be as bold as to propose an idea? How about a series of short stories, with Darth Enemy as the main character, but after a series of comical circumstances, he always dies at the end?
    Ewok Poet, AzureAngel2 and Tarsier like this.
  13. Sith-I-5

    Sith-I-5 Force Ghost star 6

    Aug 14, 2002
    Well, it was a Horror Challenge! I wrote this rather quickly. I think that in the moment, I lacked a self-editor to tell me, Y'know, I can't help thinking that you have missed the tone that they are looking for.

    I agree. I think that is exactly what happened, apart from the snakes being in a couple meter diameter wok, some sort of flat bowl.


    To tell you the truth, I had the same idea when I read Chyntuck 's original assumption that he had gotten out.

    A bit like South Park's Kenny?

    I'm a bit overwhelmed with projects at the moment, which is why I wrote this one in a hurry, but yes, I suppose we could see Lord Enemy again. Maybe he could investigate fanon for the Fanon Investigation Unit - F.I.U.

    Before - anything is not a natural era for me to write in; I'm only back here since it seemed to be when Gamiel 's 'Eye of the Serpent' were set.

    I know near to nothing about that time.
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2018
  14. Gamiel

    Gamiel Chosen One star 8

    Dec 16, 2012
    I like this idea

    If we go with the "bit like South Park's Kenny" idea, he could easily survive into movies era and beyond
    AzureAngel2 likes this.
  15. Sith-I-5

    Sith-I-5 Force Ghost star 6

    Aug 14, 2002
    Gamiel - any views on how your fanon was used? Any feedback on the fic?
  16. Tarsier

    Tarsier Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Jul 31, 2005
    I like this. I agree with everything Chyntuck and PlanetSmasher said - this read like comedy-horror to me. But that's good! I came in here hoping it wouldn't be hard-core horror. And humor is always hard, but you do it well.

    I think my favorite line was "Slith just got real."

    Like others have said, I think you should continue the adventures of Darth Enemy!
  17. AzureAngel2

    AzureAngel2 Chosen One star 6

    Jun 14, 2005
    Well, you are as scary as "The Nightmare before Christmas"... which means we are in for a lot of fun & your wonderful humour.
    Tarsier likes this.
  18. Gamiel

    Gamiel Chosen One star 8

    Dec 16, 2012
    Not really, you used the Eye of the Serpent in a different way then I would have done, however that's your rigth and it did fit with your story.
    Have I not done that... Ops.

    I'm not that good with feedback in written form so here is my thoughts: It was a bit scary/thrilling but also funny and as others I think you should continue the adventures of Darth Enemy
  19. Sith-I-5

    Sith-I-5 Force Ghost star 6

    Aug 14, 2002
    Cheers, Gamiel . Much appreciated.

    I do worry about the expectations for Darth Enemy, as I was not trying to be funny.
  20. Cowgirl Jedi 1701

    Cowgirl Jedi 1701 Force Ghost star 5

    Dec 21, 2016
    Then keep not trying, and I'm sure you'll turn out perfect dark comedy every time!

    And I too would be interested in reading the further hilariously gruesome adventures of Darth Enemy.
    Ewok Poet likes this.
  21. Findswoman

    Findswoman Kessel Run Champion star 5 VIP - Game Winner

    Feb 27, 2014
    Thanks for this entry in the challenge! I too enjoyed meeting Darth Enemy. Given how apprehensive he was at the start about actually using live snakes for the ritual, it was such an interesting twist at the end that HE turned out to be the scariest thing to the gathered worshipers—even more so than the already super-scary sentient snakes, the Slith, who appeared on the scene. The variety of the worshipers was a fun touch, and they made for a neat contrast to Enemy.

    If I could just say: please don’t feel bad about the story being perceived as funny! Im sure everyone who has said it has meant it as a compliment, as do I when I say I enjoyed the trademark I-5 snark that pervaded the story. There’s no rule that says the horror stories in this challenge aren’t allowed to be funny, nor does the humor necessarily detract from the scary elements. For my part, I found the ending the scariest part—partly for what happens to all the sect members, partly for Enemy’s “you drokkers are your own!” betrayal, and partly for the fact that Enemy’s own fate is not totally clear.

    Thanks again for sharing and for taking part! =D=
  22. Sith-I-5

    Sith-I-5 Force Ghost star 6

    Aug 14, 2002
    @Findswoman - thank you for your reassurances, and for identifying a couple of instances that did come across as scary, such as the Slith.

    @Cowgirl Jedi 1701 - Your advice about not trying to be funny in future Darth Enemy endeavours, sounds like the right advice to allay my concerns. Thank you.

    @AzureAngel2 - Thank you for the feedback.

    @Tarsier - Thank you for looking in. I cannot recall seeing you in one of my SW efforts before; so thank you for reading, the feedback, and telling me your favourite line!
  23. Ewok Poet

    Ewok Poet Force Ghost star 6

    Jul 31, 2014
    This took ages and I'm sorry. As I said in a couple of places, every month is better than the previous month, but sometimes, things still don't go as planned and yadda yadda. But the title of the story got my attention back when you posted it, for two reasons: it sounded like an affectionate parody of some Jackie Chan type of a film AND I can't remember having seen the word "ass" in a fic title before. Kind of...kind of sad that it wasn't me who did the latter first.

    And now I shall join the Darth Enemy fan club. Yes, Kenny-esque stories with him, please!


    Borrow this, I must. :yoda:

    Otherwise...I'm super-scared of snakes and creeped out by them. The phlegm etc scene might haunt me in my sleep.

    Niiice subversions and puns there. :D Not that this story isn't full of them to begin with. =D=

    That was funny, too. I can see @PlanetSmasher's point about the humorous dialogue taking over.

    However, the actual turn of events scared the beeforce out of me. Snakes. Hissing Slith weirdos. NOPENOPENOPENOPE! [face_nail_biting][face_nail_biting][face_nail_biting]

    So, in the end, you DID manage to scare somebody ****less - me! YIKES, SNAKES.

    Lucky man, you are. I only got likes from her! :_|:_|:_|

  24. Sith-I-5

    Sith-I-5 Force Ghost star 6

    Aug 14, 2002
    @Ewok Poet - Many thanks for reading and reviewing, and especially for quoting and commenting on multiple things that took your fancy; clearly the "Deviant Art" pun resonated with you!

    I don't get the popularity of Darth Enemy; one complaint about left-handed prybars, and apparently a star is born.

    Of course, you are welcome to use Andea Norton's swallowing action, any time.

    I too thought it was a nice description, but it needs to be used with an unexpectedly or extravagantly wide mouth opening, not simply a big yawn.
    Findswoman , Ewok Poet and Gamiel like this.