SCRAT WARS

SETTING: 11 ABY, Legends
GENRE: Humor, Parody, Crossover
CHARACTERS: Luke Skywalker, Artoo-Detoo, Scrat (from Ice Age)
SUMMARY: While hiking to the Massassi Temple, Luke comes across a strange creature that won't give him any peace.

At the request of @Ewok Poet and @Cowgirl Jedi 1701 , here is one of my first pieces of Fan Fiction.
I checked the date on this thing, and it’s from August of 2005! Certain things may be inaccurate for Legends canon, but I decided to just bring you the original...with a few minor word and grammar changes. It’s kind of long for a one-shot, so I split it in half. Enjoy!

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PART 1

Luke Skywalker wiped a thin film of sweat from his forehead and heaved a deep sigh. “Where am I?” he asked no one in particular.

The little blue astromech Artoo-Detoo let out an uncertain whistle. Normally his master had such a good sense of direction...

It was nearing midday on Yavin Four and Luke was no closer to finding the ancient Massassi temple. He had just obtained permission from the New Republic to establish a new Jedi training academy in what had been the old Rebel base during the Battle of Yavin.

That is, if he ever found the blasted place!

Luke had set down in the wrong clearing and been forced to walk the rest of the way. Hours later he hadn’t found even a trace of the temple. Frustration mounted with each step. Even his datapad seemed to have gone haywire! It had registered the Temple as only five kliks to the North. He should have found it long before now...

Luke frowned at the datapad in his hand and finally shoved it back into his pocket. There was nothing to do but keep walking. After re-positioning his pack, Luke started off again.

Artoo gave what sounded like a droid groan and picked his way through the thick roots, servos whining. He’d already been knocked over twice, and since it looked like his stubborn master wasn’t going to give up just yet, he’d probably be knocked over again.

If the little droid had known the journey was going to be like this, he might well have stayed behind. Only his loyalty to Luke kept him going.

Late morning dragged on into late afternoon, with not many breaks and too many pauses to pick up the fallen astromech. Now Luke, too, was regretting taking the little droid along. It was hard enough work climbing up and over the tangled tree roots himself without having to work his droid free. It wasn’t a sacrifice to help his friend, of course, but Artoo was slowing him down.

Besides the rough ground, there was also the humidity to deal with. Luke had never quite gotten used to the drip-drip-drip of the jungle and almost would have preferred to go back to Tatooine. At least walking outside didn’t soak his clothes.

Presently Luke paused to catch his breath and run an arm across his forehead. The heat was oppressive. Even the shade didn’t offer any relief.

Artoo gave a weary whistle.

Luke nodded. “I think I know what you mean.” Artoo was probably low on power. So was Luke, for that matter. He was hot, tired, sweaty, and his bare arms were covered with scratches and bug bites from a swarm of annoying biting insects that had been following him since noon. Besides that, it was getting dark. Luke had to admit defeat...for the moment.

“All right. let’s call it a day.” Luke said, grounding his heavy pack and easing down onto a moss-covered rock. He said this not only for Artoos’ benefit, but to remind himself that even a Jedi could only push himself so far.

Artoo let out his own little ‘sigh’ and came to a stop not far from his master. He knew Luke would have had to stop sooner or later. He was just glad that it was sooner.

An intense itching sensation on his arms reminded Luke of those little biters that were following him around. After a couple well-aimed slaps did no good, Luke finally found a tube of insect repellent.

The moment the lid had been popped off, the insects turned abdomen and flew off.

Luke felt a smile creeping up on his face and smeared the goop on his arms. It didn’t smell much better than his soggy, sleeveless shirt, but at least it would keep the bugs away.

As Luke rose to work some knots out of his mucles, he froze, hand hovering near his lightsaber hilt.

For the past several hours he had sensed a small, curious presence following him around. Now it was back. What could it be?

Luke blue eyes carefully scanned his surroundings for something- anything -that would explain his alarm. He saw nothing, but the Force was insistent.

Artoo gave an inquisitive whistle.

“Just a minute, Artoo. There’s something here.”

Moments turned into minutes. Luke slowly began to rotate, all senses on full alert now. Artoo shuddered.

Skeeeeeep!

Startled by the sudden noise, Luke grabbed his lightsaber and spun around.

There sat on a low hanging branch a tiny brown creature, hiding its eyes and shivering in fear.
Luke felt relief welling up in him, along with a little disappointment. “Oh, for...it’s just an animal. Are you the one who’s been following me?” he asked with a short laugh. If his senses had been heightened all for a harmless little rodent, then he must have been tired! The young Jedi returned his lightsaber to her belt.

The creature slowly lowered its paws, watching Luke set up camp. Large, buggy eyes watched his every move.

Luke had hooked Artoo up to the charger and was setting up his glow-lantern when he saw a quick little shadow dart by. He paused for a better look at his furry visitor.

It certainly was strange! From the look of things, this was a tree-dwelling rodent. It had large gnawing teeth, tiny triangular ears, a ringed, bushy tail, and tiny forepaws that ended in wicked-looking claws. Its fur was thick and tan, with three horizontal black stripes along the back. The tail didn’t look prehensile and there was no sign of a pouch, so Luke’s guess was that it was some sort of squirrel. He’d never seen anything like it before.

“Hello,” he said cautiously. “What sort of creature are you?”

The animal lazily scratched an itch behind its ears and looked expectantly at Luke.

No, not at Luke...at the food-pack in his hands. Luke, still watching the little rodent, set the food-pack down. “Where’d you come from, anyway?”

The creature tilted his head curiously and made a chittering noise. Then it batted its eyelashes and played with its tail.

It looked so comical that Luke had to laugh. Normally, he didn’t like animals very much. If they weren’t big enough to eat you, then they were probably likely to stay away. This particular creature seemed safe enough.

After waiting a few moments, Luke’s stomach reminded him of his hunger. He opened the food pack and dug out a piece of tough bantha-jerky. He bit into it with a grimace. It didn’t taste too bad, but the texture was somewhere between string and an old boot. The survival pack chefs paid much more attention to nutrition than petty things like flavor. As a result, fighter pilots that had been on their own for a few days would often seek out some ‘real’ food; even if they had plenty of preserved rations left.

But alas, there was no eating establishment here on Yavin Four, so Luke shouldn’t complain. After all; his arms and legs had gotten a workout, so why not his jaw?

As he sat there gnawing on the tough meat, he saw the funny little squirrel still watching him out of the corner of his eye. Another smile tugged the corner of his mouth. “Hungry?”

The creature brightened and sniffed the air eagerly.

“I think that’s a ‘yes’,” He broke off a piece of breadstick and tossed it over to the little animal. He’d heard somewhere that the quickest way to an animal’s heart was through its stomach. And of course, he didn’t want to become an enemy of this little guy. So he saw no problem with giving it a little bit of food. Parkgoers in cities fed squirrels all the time.

The ‘squirrel’ crawled over, grabbed the bread, and dashed up a tree trunk to eat it. He took a few tentative nibbles before suddenly getting an eager look on his face and munching away at it.

Luke chuckled. “If you think that’s good, then your usual diet must be really bad.”

The breadstick was gone in no time, and soon the little creature was licking its paws and looking for crumbs. He eagerly looked up at Luke.

“All right. One more.” Luke broke off another piece and tossed it to the animal.

This excited the squirrel and it shoved the food into its mouth in two large bites. Cheeks bulging, it scurried closer to Luke and tried looking cute again.

“Nice try. I think you’ve had enough.” Luke went back to his dinner.

But the creature was not so easily deterred. He bounded right up to the seated Jedi, swallowed food in one gulp, and sat up on his hind paws, looking as mournful as possible.

Luke shook his head. “No more. Go home.” He pointed at the trees.

The creature sagged on his haunches, ears folded back and lip trembling.

“That’s not going to work, little fellow. Go on. Shoo.” When the creature gave a petulant growl, Luke frowned. “Hey. None of that. Now, I said go home. Go,” he added, giving the animal a slight Force push.

The creature’s eyes grew wide at the fact that he wasn’t controlling his limbs anymore. With a yelp, he scampered off.

Luke shook his head in amusement, and went back to his supper. He snorted when Artoo warbled in disgust. “Well, I guess you’re right. He wouldn’t have come back if I hadn’t fed him. But he’s gone now, so no harm done.”

No sooner had Luke spoken these words than a small furry asteroid came sailing out of the treetops and landed right in the survival pack.

To say Luke was surprised would have been an understatement. When he finally regained his senses, he saw the little furball eagerly sniffing through the food. “Hey! Get out of there!”

The squirrel dodged the swipe that Luke took at him and jumped onto Artoo’s dome, who whistled angrily and shook his head. The squirrel slipped, skidded, and fell right off. When he looked up to glare at the droid, he didn’t notice the electrical charging device.

“Artoo, take it easy-”

Zap!
The creature yelped and fled, but not before stealing three large breadsticks and a mouthful of nuts. He halted halfway to leer at Luke and Artoo, then scurried off into the jungle.

Luke groaned and closed the survival pack. “Artoo, you shouldn’t have done that,” he scolded. “We’re not going to make any friends that way.”

Artoo gave an indignant blurp, as if saying the animal had deserved it.

“I hope you didn’t hurt him.” The Jedi sighed. His appetite gone, his muscles ordering him to sleep, Luke unstowed tent and sleeping bag. Only then did he notice the strong smell of rain in the air. He didn’t even have a chance to puzzle over why he hadn’t smelled it sooner when thunder rumbled in the distance. Luke stiffened and threw a look of uncertainty at the darkening sky. “Uh-oh. I have a bad-“

Crash! A blinding flash of lightning, followed immediately by more thunder, interrupted. The skies then let loose with the heaviest cloudburst Luke had ever seen.

Artoo whistled an alarm as raindrops ran down his dome and began soaking the campsite.

“Oh, no….” Luke had to work quickly if his supplies were to be saved from the rain. He set up the tent at a dizzying pace and somehow managed to keep the important things from getting too wet. Luke himself wasn’t so fortunate.

Sore, sweaty, covered in bug bites and now sopping wet, Luke scrambled into the tent and frowned at the inclement weather. Water dripped into his eyes. He wiped them off, blowing water and air out through his nose. He was about to start shucking off his soaked clothes when a plaintive whistle reached his ears.

Artoo was peering mournfully into the tent. He hated getting wet.

Luke moved aside and allowed the dripping droid to enter the small tent. It was a tight squeeze, but he wasn’t about to keep Artoo out in the rain. Artoo looked about as grateful as a droid could be and whistled his thanks.

“Don’t mention it,” muttered Luke as he kicked off his boots and wrestled his way out of his sopping shirt. It clung as if it had been glued to his torso, and he let out a grunt when it finally came off. The rest of his clothes soon followed. Before he could towel off, he snorted, changed his mind, and grabbed a small bar of soap instead. When Artoo warbled a question, Luke shrugged. “Hey, I’m the one who asked for a shower. I might as well take one.”

The droid looked his master up and down and gave a doubtful, cautious whistle.

“Thanks, Artoo, but I’ll be fine. There’s nobody around and it’s pitch-black out there anyway.” And Luke ducked outside.

The distant hooting of woolamanders sounded so much like laughter that the Jedi soaped up and rinsed off in two minutes flat before diving back inside with red cheeks. Artoo’s warble was smug.

Luke scowled at him for a minute, then broke into a chuckle as he picked up his towel. The day had been a comedy of errors. Han would call it plain bad luck.

Jedi didn’t have any use for luck. They had the Force. And since the Force was with him, Luke didn't have anything to worry about...​

 

I guess I'm completely gaga today, I read "scat wars" at first and thought that it was okay, either way.

Artoo is kinda losing it in this story.

I can imagine that many people would find the image of Luke in a sleeveless shirt sexy. But this here is so unsexy that it's hilarious.

I'm glad that he didn't meet a raccoon instead! He's better off not knowing more.

This is HILARIOUS.

 

Luke + wildlife + sleeveless shirt = a fun mix! R2 is so long-suffering; he has to put up with too much.

 

@Ewok Poet and @WarmNyota_SweetAyesha : Thanks! Glad you like it! Even one laughing emoji makes it worth it.

Here's part two!
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Luke’s slumber was snatched away from him when he woke suddenly the next day, eyes darting about in unease. Something was wrong...the Force was warning him.

It was early morning. Light was just beginning to stream in through the tent’s canvas, giving the interior a soft pink glow. It seemed as if nothing could disturb this peaceful morning.

Luke’s feelings told him otherwise. His hand inched toward his left hip, where his lightsaber-

His lightsaber was gone.

Luke’s heart sank as he began to ransack his belongings. Sleeping bag, tent, and backpack were all turned inside out before the young Jedi sagged in defeat. His lightsaber was gone! His special Jedi weapon that had saved his and others’ lives countless times...the lightsaber he had built in Ben Kenobi’s old hut...and he had lost it!

No, that’s impossible, Luke told himself. He had too strong a connection to his weapon to just misplace it like a child might misplace his toy. Someone- or something -had stolen it. That was why Luke had been startled out of his sleep...and why Artoo was far outside the tent, whistling loudly at something.

Luke mentally kicked himself for not noticing the noise before and tumbled out of his tent.

There was something else, too...a soft, chittering giggle, coming from the treetops. The sound was awfully familiar…and then there were the crumbs from the emptied ration box...

Luke’s mind was already working as he took a look around. There was a definite animal-presence somewhere nearby.

Then he saw it.

The squirrel-creaturefrom the night before last was sitting coolly up in the low crotch of a tree, holding Luke’s pilfered lightsaber between its paws and laughing at him!

Luke’s jaw went slack and his blue eyes nearly bugged out of his head. “What the...hey! How’d you get that?”

The fluffy rodent grinned maliciously and rubbed its face against the weapon, running his paws along the polished grip. Clearly it liked its prize.

Luke frowned, caught somewhere between anger and bewilderment. He must have been dead asleep not to wake sooner. “That’s mine. Give it back,” he ordered firmly.

The squirrel wrinkled his nose and stuck it in the air, turning his tail towards Luke. He turned around just long enough to stick out his tongue.

Luke was aghast at the boldness of such a tiny creature. It wasn’t bad enough that the animal had followed and mocked him for hours...it wasn’t enough that it had stolen his food, not to mention his lightsaber.

That furry little devil was mocking him!

Artoo, fairly rocking with rage at this injustice, squealed a string of droid curses at the creature and whipped out his electronic charger yet again.
The frightened furball only then realized that the barreled robot was just as annoyed as his master and intended severe bodily harm if he was caught. Hastily the creature stuffed the saber in his mouth, turned tail, and skittered into the tree.

Luke groaned, but he wasn’t about to lose his lightsaber that easily...especially not to a thieving furball. With a grunt he gave a little leap and grabbed the lowest bough, swinging into the tree. His eyes scanned the branches before spotting the striped thief and taking off after him.

The chase was on!

The squirrel-creature increased his pace. Now, instead of skittering, he was leaping and bouncing from limb to limb, turning once in a while to leer at Luke.

Luke kept pace fairly well with the creature, though he was surprised that something so scrawny could be so fast. His slight respect faded when the rascally rodent paused to throw leaves at him!

Well, that was just too much. He continued to scramble up after it.

Before long, the squirrel-creature reached the canopy. It gave a lazy yawn and glanced casually over its shoulder at what it thought would be a discouraged human.

Quite the contrary. Luke was just an arm’s length away and ready to make a grab for his weapon.

In a panic, the creature looked around. Trapped! He had nowhere to go! He whined at the unfairness of it all and held the saber a little closer.

Luke’s head, tousled and tangled with several leaves, soon popped through the canopy and gave a satisfied grunt. “Gotcha!”

The creature gave a tiny “EEEP!” and backed up. He wobbled on the thin branches.

Luke, rather wobbly himself while clinging to branches that shouldn’t have held his weight, tried to breathe carefully. “All right, you little furball. There’s nowhere to go. Now give it back.”

The rodent quickly hid the saber behind his back and gave a toothy, comical grin. He shrugged, as if feigning ignorance.

“Nice try. Hand it over.”

The squirrel pouted, held the saber close and shook his head. Luke could have sworn it said “Uh-uh!”

“This is ridiculous,” muttered the Jedi. “That’s not for you. You’ll hurt yourself. Come on,” he commanded, calling to his weapon with the Force.

The little furball felt his ‘prize’ slipping from his grip…and he knew what was causing it. In a lightning-quick move, he hissed and slashed at Luke’s extended hand with his claws.

Luke yelped and pulled his hand back, releasing his grip on the weapon. In the process the shift of his weight made the branched beneath his snap, sending him down. After a brief moment of panic Luke relaxed into the Force and let it guide his arms and legs. He landed on a low bough and had the air knocked out of him, then let himself slide to the ground. He landed on his backside, groaned, and threw a weary look back into the tree.

The little creature bounded to where he was just out of reach and began an infuriating ‘victory dance’. He held the lightsaber high above his head and kissed it repeatedly. Then he sneered at the fallen Jedi and laughed in his face.

Luke shook his head and looked away, feeling stupid for climbing the tree instead of negotiating from the ground. Too bad he ate all my food, or we could trade, thought Luke with pursed lips. He inspected the scratches on his hand. They weren’t deep enough to cause any damage, but bled profusely and stung like crazy.

While Luke sat bandaging his hand, he watched the squirrel-creature return to a branch just out of reach to examine his weapon. The furry rodent was sniffing every nook and cranny of the weapon, perhaps trying to figure out of if was good to eat. He nibbled the rubber grip, then coughed and spat it out with a look of distaste.

Luke snickered. “No, it’s not food. You’d better leave that alone.”

Angry, the squirrely animal began banging the weapon repeatedly on the tree limb, grunting and throwing something of a tantrum. When it had finished with its tirade, it began sniffing around the blade emitter and shroud. He looked into the blade emitter with one eye.

Luke felt his stomach churn. Uh-oh. If that little rodent decided to fiddle around with the buttons, things could get pretty gruesome. “Hey...put it down.”

Fortunately, the creature turned the saber around and lowered it, with the emitter pointing in the opposite direction. After tilting his head from side to side in confusion, the creature once again banged the weapon against the tree...and turned it on.

Zhzhzhzhrooowmmmmm! A laser blade of pure green burst from the hilt.

The creature was instantly mesmerized by the pretty green glow. Its eyes widened and its jaw went slack and it swung the saber back and forth, grinning stupidly.

Luke tied off the bandage and raised an eyebrow. “I wouldn’t play with that if I were you.”

The squirrel-creature ignored Luke and continued to watch the glowing laser sword. He looked at the blade from as many angles as he could. Then his paw inched toward the pretty glow, wondering…

Zap!

No sooner had the rodent touched the blade than he yelped and danced with pain, letting the saber fall. “YAAAAAAA!” it howled.

Luke was waiting and caught the hilt without a pause. “I told you not to play with it. These aren’t toys.” He clipped his saber back to its rightful place. “I’m sorry, but you did it yourself. Truce?” He offered an empty hand.

But the little animal wanted nothing to do with Jedi. He screamed and hissed with rage and pain, stamping his feet and chattering a string of what had to be rodent profanity at Luke and Artoo. Then he threw a mournful look at the burn, whimpered, and started licked it.

While Artoo burbled an electronic laugh, Luke couldn’t help but feel sorry for the creature and went back to his survival pack to see if there were any rations left besides the jerky. He found a handful of nuts and a small finger bandage, as well as a tube of burn cream. With these in hand he went outside and clicked his tongue. “Hey...I’ve got something for you.” He opened his palm.

Immediately the squirrel-creature stopped its whining and sniffed the air. He licked his snout and seemed to forget his pain as he scrambled back down the trunk and headed for Luke in a series of somewhat lopsided leaps.

Artoo backed away from the scene with an unhappy warble. He couldn’t understand why his master wanted to be nice to a creature that had stolen from and then hurt him.


“Shh. Come on, little fellow,” crooned Luke, holding out his hand. “I didn’t want you to hurt yourself. That’s why I wanted my lightsaber back. Let me help you.”

The fluffy rodent threw a glare at Artoo before coming up to Luke and reaching for a large shelled nut. No sooner had he shoved the treat into his mouth than he noticed the Jedi reaching for him. The creature gave a horrified shriek, but paused just long enough to shove the rest of the nuts into his mouth. With cheeks bulging, he bounded off into the trees and disappeared.

Luke’s shoulders fell, but he could only rise and brush off his hands. Well, you can’t help everyone. When Artoo seemed to scold him for his offer of peace, he shrugged. “I had to try. Come on. Let’s go.”

It was only another hour of hiking before Luke and his droid finally broke through the foliage and arrived at the backside of the Temple. Smiling in relief and accomplishment, he strode up to the heavy doors and keyed them open. Now all I have to do is find students.

Neither he nor his droid noticed the pair of buggy little eyes watching from the trees. The squirrel-creature knew this human had more food. He could smell it. Why forage when he could get fat begging? With a flying leap, Scrat made for the now-closing doors.

He jumped too late. Splat! The rodent landed spread-eagle against the doors and slid down to land in a heap at a bottom. Visions of glowing green swords and warbling droids danced round his spinning head, one eye twitching with stress, until he decided to leave.

Maybe foraging wasn’t so bad after all...

THE END

 

Poor Scrat. Seeing stars as usual.

But at least he actually got to eat some nuts this time.

Methinks Force Ghost Yoda would laugh himself silly watching Luke's interactions with Scrat.

 

And so Luke learns a valuable lesson: Give those cute ones an inch, and they take all your edible and unedible goods.

 

And here I thought the woolymanders were the predators to avoid. Scampery cutesy squirrel types are nimble and persistent little buggers.

Luke is a darling through all this.

 

I will never be able to see Scrat the same way again, now I can only see a crossover between Scrat and Gollum (a horrific mixture)
But the story was good, poor Scrat, fooled again.

 

This is adorable, and the characterization seems spot on!

 

Ridley, this is brilliant. Scrat, of all characters!

Very enjoyable tale, here, and Luke and Artoo were perfect choices to play him off of. There's definite touches of ESB Yoda, but run through Scrat's own unique style. Thanks for sharing.

 

Or give it some rope, and it thinks it's a cowboy.

@Ridley Solo - very well described story, hinging on your mastery of Scrat's mannerisms, then managing to weave Luke and Artoo around it.

I used to love Scrat's side videos, particularly that iceberg / glacier crack that he caused once; but this piece utterly drained any empathy I had for the little frakker.

Excellent descriptions of his twitching eyes, rubbing his face on the lightsabre, interactions with the thing and the energy blade, as well as Luke's pursuit through the canopy.

Luke really ought to treat that hand wound with a disinfectant bulb.

After the horror of The Last Jedi, the Luke and Artoo dynamics felt like a welcome return to a bygone age.

Very well done, both parts.

 

Thank you all, so much for reading! I'm glad I was able to make you laugh.

"Our work here, is finished, Artoo!"