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  1. In Memory of LAJ_FETT: Please share your remembrances and condolences HERE

Saga Severing the Past (PG, RotS and Inter) - OCs - Jedi Temple escape - Updated 1/13/08

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by wendynat, Jun 21, 2005.

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  1. wendynat

    wendynat Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Jun 8, 2005
    A/N: I hope you enjoy the chapter! As always, comments are loved and stroked and appreciated, and lurkers are also appreciated :). If you'd like a PM when I update, please let me know!

    I also just completed a short fic that is a companion piece of sorts to this, as an answer to the First Sentence challenge. If you're interested, it's called The True Challenge.

    Chapter 9
    -----------
    "There it is," Zehrid said with a smile, sitting back. His face softened as he stared through the viewscreen at the small dot that grew increasingly larger as they approached. "We're home, Kylia."

    "Almost home," Kerenne corrected, looking down at the readouts from the planet's security communications. Ever since the civil wars, Jabiim had increased its air security to ensure no alien armies could come to assist the rebels of either faction. It was a logical precaution, but highly inconvenient for travelers. "Once we get through all this security."

    Kylia leaned forward excitedly and Zehrid grinned at her. "Ah, well, the security is all part of home, isn't it? At least we don't have any troubles leaving planet, just entering."

    Ayliana and N'oenar stared through the viewscreen at the grey planet below them. He had told her what he knew of Jabiim, its history and rebellions, its basic landscape. The account of Jabiim's landscape had been rather short: muddy. Kerenne and Zehrid had confirmed the description during the final holochess battle earlier that day. "Constant rain. And I mean constant. Most people use repulsorlift skates if they have to get around where there isn't pavement of some sort. You'll sink right in, otherwise."

    As they approached the surface, Ayliana chuckled softly, her eyes trained on the wet shimmer of the ground far below. "Looks like this isn't one of the five rainless days they get each year, doesn't it?"

    N'oenar smiled slightly and nodded, but his attention was elsewhere. The images from his dreams haunted him, and at times he fancied he could see the memory of them more clearly than he could see the things currently around him. Master Yoda had fallen. Whether or not the rest of the dream images were true, he felt it deep in his bones that that particular scene had been truth. Reality. Hard and cold, and all too genuine.

    Kerenne turned and grinned, and N'oenar pushed his thoughts to the background with a great effort. It wasn't easy to follow the teachings of the Living Force, and keep his thoughts on the here and now, but he would try.

    --

    It was a long time before they finally were able to disembark; the security was just as tight as Kerenne had indicated. Luckily, the inspectors didn't find the hidden areas of Kylia's cabin, and once the search was complete, they were left alone to load the repulsorlift sleds.

    As long as it took, it was still only late morning when they finally found themselves walking to Kylia's family home. It was, Kylia assured them, quite close, and only required a short time on the repulsorlift skates when they crossed a mud field. When N'oenar took note of the prices requested by lift drivers, he didn't argue.

    They walked along the path, his eyes drawn to the sides where lakes of mud shimmered, small dimples appearing as the rain continued. He'd never seen anything like it ? fields of mud, even rolling hills of mud, surrounded the spaceport. Ahead of him, Kylia's orange hair was beginning to droop from the light rain. She'd refused to wear a hood, claiming that wet hair was part of being home. Kerenne had rolled her eyes and deliberately pulled on a hooded cloak. "Home or not, I don't like feeling like a drowned wamprat."

    Kerenne and Zehrid also walked ahead of them, and he occupied himself for some time by studying their cloaks. They were made of some strange material that appeared to repel water. A blanket made of the same fabric covered the repulsorlift that carried Kylia's many trunks and bags.

    As they turned off the side path and onto a main road of sorts, he looke
     
  2. East_Coast_Ryder

    East_Coast_Ryder Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Aug 22, 2005
    Hello, stranger ;)
    I've reviewed this on fanfiction.net (at least I think I have :confused: )

    Anyways, wonderful as always!
     
  3. wendynat

    wendynat Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Jun 8, 2005
    East_Coast_Ryder - Hello, there!! Good to see you around here and yes, I definitely recognize your name from ff.net :). Thanks for commenting, I'm very glad you're still enjoying it. I actually update here first, once my first beta has read the fic, because after the second beta reads it I can easily edit changes on this board. I always wait till after both betas read before I update to ff.net, because their editing feature is a little more cumbersome. And that's far more than you ever wanted to know about my posting habits, I'm certain LOL! But, if you'd like to be on a PM list for when I update, just let me know.
     
  4. East_Coast_Ryder

    East_Coast_Ryder Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Aug 22, 2005
    Sure, that'd be great for the PM thing! Even though I've already got it on story alert... And it appears you've updated on ff.n. Great tenth chapter =D= ... that you haven't posted here... yet. *ponders that for a while*
     
  5. Darth_Scroobius

    Darth_Scroobius Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Jun 1, 2005
    *delurks*

    I caught up to this story over a week ago. I'm sorry I didn't immediately comment, but I wanted to wait and do a more detailed job. Unfortunately, it would take too long to do detailed comments on the whole story; there's just too much good stuff! But I will make some general comments.

    This story is on a professional level. The most striking aspect is the characterization; you develop very detailed and realistic pictures of each of the characters. I also like the descriptions and your excellent use of foreshadowing. Or at least what I assume is foreshadowing; maybe you're just trying to fool us. ;)
     
  6. wendynat

    wendynat Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Jun 8, 2005
    East_Coast_Ryder - Hee - that is a little irritating about ff.net, the way the numbering system works for the chapters. Since I had a prologue, it bumps the number to be a chap ahead. The TFN boards always get my chaps first, though :). Thanks!

    Darth_Scroobius - I'm glad you delurked! I'm extremely flattered by your comments, particularly concerning the characters. I'm really using this story as an exercise in OC-development, so the fact that you like the characterizations is really good to hear! This is my first OC-centric story, and I'm finding that I really enjoy creating my own personalities and characters.
    Or at least what I assume is foreshadowing; maybe you're just trying to fool us.
    :D

    Thanks to everyone for taking the time to comment! It's definitely appreciated :).
     
  7. Gina

    Gina Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 3, 2003
    Oh, that was wonderful! Your descriptions of Jabiim were so detailed, you really brought the planet to life. I could picture it so well. I don't know, the part where Kerenne killed the woman seems a little suspicious to me. [face_worried]

    Despite himself, he flushed, and shook his head when she laughed. "Do you women take classes on this?"

    "On what?"

    "Putting men off-balance."

    She chuckled. "No. It's natural talent, only."


    LOL! I loved that! [face_laugh]

    Excellent as always! But then I expect nothing less from your writing! :)

     
  8. Peagis

    Peagis Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Apr 14, 2005
    wow just found this and it's awesome! great story! if you have a PM list please add me to it i'd like to see where u are taking this!
     
  9. VaderLVR64

    VaderLVR64 Manager Emeritus star 8 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Feb 5, 2004
    I'm SO behind, but just wanted you to know how much I'm loving this story! =D=
     
  10. MasterSareBabe

    MasterSareBabe Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Dec 11, 2004
    Jabiim sounds like an interesting planet! Good job on creating one that is unique. =D=

    You have got me thinking about how Jedi children didn't really have a choice what they want to be when they grow up. Very interesting perspective when you realize that none of the Jedi had any choice in the matter. [face_thinking]

    I want some repulsorskates!
     
  11. wendynat

    wendynat Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Jun 8, 2005
    Gina - Thanks! I'm glad you liked the descriptions of Jabiim - I took what they had on starwars.com and added to it :).
    I don't know, the part where Kerenne killed the woman seems a little suspicious to me.
    :D You're not the only one ;)
    And I'm glad you liked that exchange between N'oenar and Kerenne - I've been planning it for a while LOL!

    Peagis - Thank you so much for commenting! I'm glad you're enjoying it, and I'll definitely add you to the PM list :).

    VaderLVR64 - Don't worry about being behind - this is a long'un, I know :). I'm glad you're still reading and enjoying it!

    MasterSareBabe - Thanks for the comment! I can't take credit for creating Jabiim - it's listed on the starwars.com databank, and I think it's from the EU, though I'm not familiar with any of the EU works. I took that description and added some to it, I just hope I didn't "step" on the EU's toes too much and get it all wrong! LOL! The concept of Jedi children not having any real choice is one that struck me while watching Episode I. I think it's a pretty interesting concept to explore... :) And yes, I totally want some repulsorlift skates, too!!!
     
  12. wendynat

    wendynat Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Jun 8, 2005
    A/N: Thanks so much for everyone that commented, and everyone that's following the story. I hope you enjoy the chapter and, as always, any and all comments or PMs are welcome and appreciated :).


    Chapter 10
    ----------
    Roon.

    With the words hanging in the air between them, Ayliana and N'oenar, in unspoken agreement, veered away from the topic of dreams. It was an unusual thing, to have privacy in the Noor household, and since they hadn't had much time to speak about the events of the previous day, they took the opportunity that their early morning awakening afforded them.

    For some reason, talk of a Dark Jedi attacker seemed to be a safer subject than Force dreams.

    "I didn't sense her. I mean the rage, the aggression. Until she started attacking." N'oenar shook his head. "The Dark Side? I didn't know it could be masked so well."

    "Not that well, really. She didn't, at least." Ayliana stood, moving around the room restlessly. "I sensed something, but I didn't know what term to put to it. It was almost as if? as if she was trying to maintain a mask, but kept letting it slip. Just for a flash, here and there."

    "Is that how we sensed her earlier in the day?" N'oenar sat still on the bed, watching Ayliana pace. She normally didn't show this type of agitation; the sense of anticipation, of pent-up energy needing release, was nearly overwhelming.

    "I think so." Ayliana shook her head, frowning again. "But I don't know. That's what's so frustrating about all of this. We don?t know enough, and?" She trailed off, but he knew what she was about to say.

    "And there's no one to ask."

    She nodded. "No one to give counsel, to guide us."

    He sighed, and stood, reaching a hand into his pocket as he did so. The braid was still there, and as his fingers traced its coiled length he felt himself begin to calm. "We'll do what we can. We can do nothing more."

    She looked at him, surprise lacing the edges of her features, and he raised an eyebrow, waiting. Her mouth opened, then closed again as she hesitated. Finally, after watching her in silence for a few more heartbeats, he said, "Whatever it is you're thinking of saying, just go ahead. There's no point putting it off."

    She was silent only a moment more before nodding sharply. "I was thinking? we can do something, N'oenar. We can be mindful, and use caution." He tilted his head, waiting. That couldn?t have been what had caused her to hesitate - she'd said as much before, on many occasions. Taking a deep breath, she continued. "Well, I've been mindful. And there's still something about Kerenne that I don't trust."

    N'oenar shook his head, frowning slightly. "We've been over this already. Listen, Ayliana, I know you don't much like her-"

    "I like her fine, and that's irrelevant anyway-"

    "But she's done nothing but help us," N'oenar continued, speaking over her interruption. They stared at each other in silence for a moment, then Ayliana sighed.

    "I knew you wouldn't listen, but I do sense something, N'oenar. And then yesterday, with that Dark Jedi?"

    "She helped us." N'oenar's voice was clipped, and Ayliana frowned.

    "Even she said we could've easily deflected the knife, and she's right. Something's out of place here, N'oenar, you have to admit that."

    He shook his head stubbornly. "She didn?t know we'd definitely deflect it," he began, but Ayliana's jaw tightened.

    "And why was she right there? Everyone else had gone searching the other direction. What was she doing there, just in time to kill the woman before we could question her?"

    He had no answer. Looking away, he just shook his head mutely. "I? I don't know."

    A heavy sigh answered him. And then, "I don't either, N'oenar. I don't, either."

    ---

    Later that morning, they gathered with the others in the large dining area. The conversation was light and fast, with very few breaks to interject a comment or two without interrupting one of the speakers. It was difficult for N'oenar to get used to ? he wasn't accustomed to interrupting people and, though n
     
  13. East_Coast_Ryder

    East_Coast_Ryder Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Aug 22, 2005
    w00t! First review. Awesome chapter. The little 'betrayel' threw me for a loop. Keep it going! Thanks for the PM.
     
  14. Darth_Scroobius

    Darth_Scroobius Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Jun 1, 2005
    This is my first OC-centric story, and I'm finding that I really enjoy creating my own personalities and characters.

    No need to lie. There's no way you created this plethora of praiseworthy personae on your first try. ;)

    She didn't seem to note the way Kerenne's eyes flicked to Zehrid as she agreed, nor the uncomfortable way she shifted as she stared back at her brother. But N'oenar did, and that's when he began to feel the same sense of foreboding that Ayliana had mentioned.

    Some very heavy foreshadowing in this chapter from an unexpected direction. But the revelation was kind of anti-climactic. I had always assumed that Kerenne and Zehrid would ask for help in locating their relatives, and I don't understand why they felt the need to be so deceptive about the whole thing. The two (more or less) Jedi are not going to refuse a request for assistance, especially when it almost perfectly coincides with their own goals. On the other hand, maybe the brother-sister team is accustomed to being deceptive due to their occupation.
     
  15. Peagis

    Peagis Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Apr 14, 2005
    Great post!
     
  16. Gina

    Gina Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 3, 2003
    Well, the reason for the deception wasn't as bad as I had feared, but it still doesn't explain why she killed the woman before she could be questioned. I'm still a little wary. [face_worried]

    Excellent as always! :D

     
  17. wendynat

    wendynat Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Jun 8, 2005
    Before I do the individual responses, I wanted to say thank you to everyone who commented on this story - I know heavily-OC fics aren't always the easiest to get into, particularly humongously long ones :), so I do appreciate you reading and taking the time to comment!

    We've come to a point of the story where I'm going to answer certain comments with just a " :D " if it's something that could be, in any way, construed as a possible spoiler (or non-spoiler, because finding out something won't happen later in the story is just as much a spoiler as finding out something will happen...). So please don't be offended if I just reply that way! If you have a burning question about where I'm going with something, you're free to PM me, I just don't want to spoil anyone else that's reading! (Can you tell I've been spoiled for stories before by reading author's notes? LOL!)

    East_Coast_Ryder - Thanks!!! And you're very welcome for the PM :). I'm so glad you like it!

    Darth_Scroobius - No need to lie. There's no way you created this plethora of praiseworthy personae on your first try.
    LOL and [face_blush]! Thanks - that is a huge compliment!! :) For the second part of your comment, I'll just say::D

    Peagis - Thanks! :)

    Gina - Thanks for the comment! And I'm glad you're enjoying it :)
    Oh, and as far as the other portion of your comment... :D

     
  18. VaderLVR64

    VaderLVR64 Manager Emeritus star 8 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Feb 5, 2004
    AACK! I got behind! What a great story this is! I was first introduced to your writing in the Archives, and I've been amazed by your work here as well! Bravo! =D=
     
  19. wendynat

    wendynat Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Jun 8, 2005
    VaderLVR64 - Thanks so much!! I'm really glad you still like it, and you always make me blush, somehow [face_blush] :)
     
  20. MasterSareBabe

    MasterSareBabe Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Dec 11, 2004
    Great update! It will be nice to find other Jedi. [face_good_luck]
     
  21. wendynat

    wendynat Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Jun 8, 2005
    MasterSareBabe - Thanks :) I hope you enjoy this chapter, too!

    A/N: A huge thank you to all my readers and commenters :). I hope everyone enjoys this chapter; it gave me some fits, so that's why it's a bit late (well, that and DRL). The next chapter should be back on schedule, sometime late Monday or Tuesday. Thanks for sticking with me! As always, feedback is appreciated, and anyone who would like to be put on my PM list, let me know.



    [b]Chapter 11[/b]
    -------------
    "Ayliana, try to understand-"

    "I understand perfectly."

    N'oenar ran a hand through his hair, blowing out a breath in irritation. Her tone was tight, and though he didn't doubt her words, he knew she still wasn't settled with the situation. Would she ever be? They were alone in the sitting area of the ship, the holochess board silent between them. He'd risen early that morning, intent on speaking with Ayliana as soon as possible, to be certain that nothing untoward happened when Kerenne woke to relieve Zehrid. "They're Jedi, after all. That's our main mission, right? To find other Jedi?"

    "It [i]was[/i] our main mission, until Roon came up." Ayliana looked at him. "Until I began to dream."

    "The Keeper of the Faith."

    She nodded, glancing down at her hands. She opened and closed her fists a couple of times, and then shook her head. "I think? I don't know. I dreamed again last night."

    N'oenar was instantly alert. "What?" His sleep had, for once, been free of disturbing images, devoid of anything but blessed rest. To hear that Ayliana had experienced something different was unsettling.

    "This side trek? I think it's something we must do." She frowned. "But I'm still not happy about it. And I'm not sure ? I mean, why lie about it? Why deceive us? They should have known that we'd willingly help, once we were through on Roon. Something doesn't fit."

    "Maybe they're as paranoid as we are." He rubbed his face, suddenly wishing he'd just stayed in bed. He had no answers. "I imagine most people they're used to are pretty? well, pretty shady, I suppose. Maybe they thought we'd give them the slip after Roon, after getting what we needed."

    "Maybe." Ayliana shook her head again, a stubborn expression crossing her face. "But I still-"

    "Whatever happened to, 'It's the will of the Force'?" N'oenar asked without thinking, and she shot him a sour look.

    "It seems to be the Force's will to put barricades in our path, but? maybe they're barricades we need." She took a deep breath, then let it out, nodding slowly. "You're right, N'oenar. We must trust in the will of the Force. It will end in balance."

    He hadn't actually meant it in that way, but it seemed to bring her comfort, and so he didn?t correct her.

    ---

    After their early morning conversation, and some meditation practice, N'oenar felt a little more at ease. He'd tensed when Ayliana and Kerenne first crossed paths, but was able to relax when they just passed each other with a terse nod. It seemed that Ayliana accepted Kerenne's reasons for the deception, though she may not agree, still. N'oenar couldn't blame her ? he came close, many times, to asking why they had felt the need for deception, but he resisted the impulse. Sometimes, it was better to just not know.

    Luckily, the brother and sister team hadn't exaggerated when they said the trip would be short, which was good for everyone's nerves. A half day's journey was nothing compared to the trip from Coruscant to Jabiim. At one point, during a navigational readjustment, they all took a break in the game area of the ship, and Ayliana's sound thrashing of Zehrid on the holochess board ? and the accompanying good-natured jibes - helped to relieve what lingering tension still existed.

    As they approached Gabris Prime, N'oenar joined the others in the main bridge area, and watched with interest as the brightly colored planet came into view. Vivid blues and reds ? patches of color that faded into the other ? were clearly evident through the sparse cloud cover.

    "It's beautiful," Kerenne murmured. Beside her,
     
  22. Peagis

    Peagis Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Apr 14, 2005
    wow great post!
     
  23. Darth_Scroobius

    Darth_Scroobius Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Jun 1, 2005
    In keeping with (unofficial) Scroobius review in haiku week this review will be solely in haiku. Thank you.

    So please don't be offended if I just reply that way!

    like to speculate
    not always want
    answer to question

    "This side trek? I think it's something we must do." She frowned. "But I'm still not happy about it. And I'm not sure ? I mean, why lie about it? Why deceive us? They should have known that we'd willingly help, once we were through on Roon. Something doesn't fit."

    why deceive
    something not fit
    my thoughts exactly

    "The Force has two sides. The wisest among the Jedi acknowledge this. Remember Vaapad."

    force has two sides
    two sides every schwartz
    spaceballs reference(?)

    To be saved it must be broken. You must have the courage to break it.

    broken to save
    has not heard
    slippery slope


    severing the past
    keeper of the faith
    a contradiction

    wendynat
    queen of foreshadowing
    strikes again
     
  24. wendynat

    wendynat Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Jun 8, 2005
    Peagis - Thank you!! I'm glad you liked it :)

    Darth_Scroobius - I am just totally floored. Your haiku review will be treasured forever!!! It's awesome, thank you :)

    force has two sides
    two sides every schwartz
    spaceballs reference(?)

    Heee - you caught me!! :)

    wendynat
    queen of foreshadowing
    strikes again

    *blush* *bows* Thank you very much!! LOVED the haikus!! (And now I shall stop abusing exclamation points and let the poor punctuation mark rest ;) )
     
  25. Gina

    Gina Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 3, 2003
    :eek: :eek:

    VERY shocking post!

    As always, your descriptions paint such a vivid picture of the scene and the characters' surroundings, bringing the story to life.

    Excellent update! :)

     
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