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Short Attention Span Theater Presents...

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by BlindMan, Jan 26, 2002.

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  1. BlindMan

    BlindMan Jedi Youngling star 2

    Nov 25, 2001
    Welcome to "Short Attention Span Theater"! Here you'll find various "one-shot", "stand-alone" stories--whatever pops into my head. These will all be humor--or feeble attempts at such. No angst. No romance. No monkeys. (Okay, maybe there'll be monkeys. Monkeys are cool.)

    Please extinguish all smoking materials, and turn off all cell phones. Refreshments are available in the lobby. Enjoy the show...

    :) Blind Man
  2. BlindMan

    BlindMan Jedi Youngling star 2

    Nov 25, 2001
    Short Attention Span Theater Presents...


    (The setting: a plush, wood-panelled office. Several chairs sit in a circle in the center of the room, occupied by various figures. One of these people, a bespectacled man with a clipboard, speaks.)

    MAN: Hello. Welcome to The Clinic, and your first group therapy session. For those of you who don't know me yet, I'm Mitch. Are we all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this fine morning?

    (No one answers.)

    MITCH: I know some of you would much rather be off doing other things, but just try to remember: we're here to help. I see some new faces here, so let's start off by introducing ourselves.

    (MITCH looks toward the person on his left.)

    BOBA FETT: Uh...I'm Boba Fett. (he waves his hand slightly at the others) Hey.

    (To FETT's left is...)

    DARTH VADER: I'm Darth Vader. Dark Lord of the Sith, right-hand man to the Emperor, and Grand Champion Bungee-Jumper of Coruscant thirteen years running.

    (MITCH frowns as he checks the papers on his clipboard.)

    MITCH: I'm sorry, paperwork lists you as "Anakin Skywalker".

    VADER: I was Anakin Skywalker. Now, I'm somebody else.

    MITCH: I see. (he nods, scribbles at his clipboard) Identity issues. Very interesting...

    FETT: (nudging VADER in the shoulder.) Oooooooh! Busted...

    VADER: (to FETT) Don't ever touch me.

    MITCH: Let's continue, shall we?

    (In the seat next to VADER, the bounty hunter BOUSHH rattles something off. The protocol droid standing behind his chair interprets):

    DROID: The esteemed bounty hunter, Boushh, demands to be released from this facility, or else--

    --(BOUSHH pulls something from a pocket.)--

    DROID:--or else he will activate this thermal detonator!

    FETT: Um, that's not a thermal detonator, that's--

    MITCH: (nodding) A tennis ball. Yes, you're right. Boushh here has an irrational fixation on thermal detonators, perhaps symptomatic of some deeper disorder; we've been trying to wean him off of them. (He leans forward, pats BOUSHH on the knee.) It's very frightening, Boushh. (He looks to the seat next to BOUSHH.) And you are?

    KOSH: Kosh.

    MITCH: Kosh? (He flips through his paperwork.) Well, you're not on my list at all. What part of the galaxy are you from?

    KOSH: Babylon 5.

    MITCH: I'm not familiar with the Babylon system. Is that near Sullust?

    KOSH: The end points to the beginning. An unexpected door has been opened.

    (Everyone stares at him.)

    FETT: Oh, man. Is he some kind of beat poet, or something? 'Cause if I have to sit here and listen to a bunch of pretentious crap, I am so out of here...

    MITCH: Wait. I think I understand. Those rascals down the hall in the Quantum Mechanics department have been playing around with dimensional portals again, haven't they?

    KOSH: Yes. The avalanche has begun; it is too late for the pebbles to vote.

    MITCH: Well, it's good to have you here, Kosh. Good to see that you're willing to improve yourself, no matter where you're from. (He faces everyone) Let me start off by asking you all one simple question: Why do *you* think you wear these helmets? These masks, that hide your true selves...?

    FETT: (shrugging) It was a hand-me-down from my dad. Plus, the chicks kind of dig a mystery man.

    VADER: Mine's a life-support system.

    (BOUSHH speaks quickly and fervently.)

    DROID: The esteemed Boushh says he wears the mask to--and I quote--"pick up the hot honeys for a little bang bang." I'm afraid I have no idea *what* he means, sir. He also adds that if you don't let him leave within five minutes, he'll use that detonator...

    MITCH: Of course, he will. And you, Kosh?

    KOSH: Because I would be recognized without it.

    MITCH: By who?

    KOSH: Everyone.

    MITCH (nodding) I see. Well, you know what I think? I think you all wear these helmets to hide yourselves from the rest of the world. I think you're ashamed of who and what you are, and are afraid to face up to your deeds; you're seeking refuge within these disguises in an effort to evade any responsbility for your
  3. Marawannabe

    Marawannabe Jedi Master star 4

    Dec 16, 2001
    ROFLOL!!! Vader... In... Therapy... Need... Air!!!! :D LOLOLOLOLOLOL AHAHAHAHAHA!

    breathe, I need to breathe!
  4. Jaded Skywalker

    Jaded Skywalker Jedi Padawan star 4

    Nov 24, 1999
    OMG... LOL! Speechless. Absolutly speechless... :p
  5. Amidala_Skywalker

    Amidala_Skywalker Manager Emeritus star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Jul 4, 2001
    VADER: (nods) It is. You'd think Ben and Yoda could've come to see me, but noooooooooo!

    Christ, I need fresh air!! This is too good, how in the Universe do you come up with these? I need more! You write Vader humor so well...oh god, I need air.

    Am [face_love]
  6. JediClare

    JediClare Jedi Padawan star 4

    Oct 8, 2001
    BlindMan, yousa nutsen! :D

    This is totally hilarious! Wish I had your talent for writing humour! :)

    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh]

    = [hl=navy]Clare[/hl] =
  7. HaiGan

    HaiGan Jedi Padawan star 4

    Nov 7, 2000
    Who needs therapy when you have humour? Hee! That was better than a morning cuppa. And I LIKE my morning cuppa! :)
  8. Delight

    Delight Jedi Master star 4

    Mar 25, 2001
    Osh-KOSH-my-god! :) Funny short story.
  9. Owe-me-one Perogi

    Owe-me-one Perogi Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jun 6, 2000
    OMG! This is great!

    I liked this part:
    MITCH: You seem to have a lot of hostility, Boba. Would you like to explore that?

    FETT: No.

    LOL :)

  10. TheDarth

    TheDarth Jedi Padawan star 4

    Sep 30, 2001
    You sir, are the most talented comedy writer EVER (on the jc :D)
  11. BlindMan

    BlindMan Jedi Youngling star 2

    Nov 25, 2001
    Thanks for the kind words, all! :)


    Three Hot Chicks and a Gungan

    Three Dead Guys Chillin'

    :) Blind Man
  12. TheDarth

    TheDarth Jedi Padawan star 4

    Sep 30, 2001
    lol :D or should i say roflmaowtime
  13. BlindMan

    BlindMan Jedi Youngling star 2

    Nov 25, 2001
    Short Attention Span Theater Presents...


    From the journals of Rabe, Handmaiden to Queen Amidala:

    Day 1:

    The Trade Federation has invaded. This sucks, big time. I mean, sure, lots of people are dying, and stuff, but the worst part of it? The communications blackout. How's a girl supposed to keep up with her soaps if the broadcast can't get through?

    Day 2:

    After making my journal entry yesterday, the Queen, myself, and the rest of the entourage were rescued by a couple of hunky Jedi and a Gungan. We've escaped Naboo and are en route to a planet called Tatooine.

    Day 3:

    Still en route to Tatooine, and the novelty of the road trip is wearing thin. I'm having to share a room with the other handmaidens--not fun. Eirtae snores like a buzzsaw, and if I have to watch Sabe chewing her toenails one more time, I swear I'll stuff her out the airlock. On the plus side, though, I think I've caught that younger Jedi, Obi-Wan, checking me out a couple of times. Maybe I'll invite him to the room so he can show me his lightsaber. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

    Day 4:

    Crash landing! Something went wrong when we entered Tatooine's atmosphere. We came down hard. Everyone's dead except for me, Eirtae, Sabe, Jar Jar and the droid, R2-D2. It figures--just when I meet a nice boy...

    Day 5:

    After much debate, we decided to scrounge what equipment we could from the ship and sell it at a nearby settlement, Mos Espa. Surprisingly, Jar Jar took command of this operation. He seems to have undergone a radical personality shift. Eirtae thinks he may have suffered some sort of head injury in the crash; whatever the reason, I must say that I've never seen such a keenly analytical mind at work. Plus, he's got those big floppy ears that are just so cute!
    We sold the parts to a junk dealer named Watto. Goofy-looking little guy. While he and Jar Jar were dickering, the other girls and I had to listen to Watto's young slave, Anakin, hitting on us. "Are you angels?" he said--like I haven't heard *that* one before....After twenty minutes of listening to this crap, I told him that I *was* an angel: the angel of death, and I was here to claim him and his entire family. He ran away, crying. The other girls glared at me.

    Day 8:

    We're staying in a small flat, while Jar Jar takes some of our money and bets it on the pod races. This is kind of a rough town, so the girls and I have been honing our fighting skills. And working on our tans.

    Day 20:

    Jar Jar is a GENIUS! He's already managed to parley the small amount we got from Watto into a fortune, betting on the races. He's purchased a fortified manor house just a few minutes outside the city. Huge, ornate place. Love it.

    Day 35:

    Jabba the Hutt has sent a couple of his goons to attempt an assassination on Jar Jar. Seems old J.J. beat the Hutt in a game of Sabacc--and Jabba was none too pleased. Sabe, Eirtae and I took care of the would-be assassins pretty easily, though. If they're the best Jabba has to offer, we should have no troubles.

    Day 64:

    Jar Jar has begun to make his move against the ganglords. Breaking them financially, or, when more violent methods are needed, sending in me and the girls. We're getting a LOT of work, these days...

    Day 72:

    The last of the ganglords has fallen. Jar Jar, for all intents and purposes, is now the ruler of Tatooine.

    Day 90:

    Jar Jar unveiled the next step of his plan to us, today. It caught us all by surprise. It's bold, I'll give him that much. But if anyone can do it...

    Day 100:

    We're on our way to Coruscant. Jar Jar's contacts have led him to the conclusion that Supreme Chancellor Palpatine is in fact the Sith Lord Darth Sidious. That complicates matters, but Jar Jar is determined...

    Day 101:

    We've arrived on Coruscant. With R2-D2's help we broke through the security measures of Chancellor Palpatine's residence--only to find him ready and waiting. Jar Jar went after Palpatine, or Sidious, or whatever you want to call him. That left Sab
  14. Marawannabe

    Marawannabe Jedi Master star 4

    Dec 16, 2001

    Not Jar Jar as Emperor!!! I'll do anything!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  15. Aralna

    Aralna Jedi Master star 4

    Nov 1, 2000
  16. Kitt327

    Kitt327 Jedi Master star 4

    Dec 23, 2000
    Woo-hoo! Go Jar Jar! :D
  17. Miana Kenobi

    Miana Kenobi Admin Emeritus star 8 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Apr 5, 2000
    AHHHH!!!!!!! Jar Jar ruling the universe!!!

    Too funny, Blind man!!!
  18. TheDarth

    TheDarth Jedi Padawan star 4

    Sep 30, 2001
    the ideas nice, but then, when you look at the title... :p
  19. Delight

    Delight Jedi Master star 4

    Mar 25, 2001
    That is by far the funniest story I've read on this board! :D Jar Jar as Emperor??? :D
  20. TheFallen

    TheFallen Jedi Padawan star 4

    Nov 27, 2001
    (( collapses on the floor laughing ))

    "... I told him I was an angel.. the angel of death..."


    I mean, come on, who WROTE that line?! They're the biggest saps ever... and I don't like the kid who portrayed Anakin..
  21. JediClare

    JediClare Jedi Padawan star 4

    Oct 8, 2001
    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh]

    = [hl=navy]Clare[/hl] =
  22. Healer_Leona

    Healer_Leona Squirrely Community Mod star 9 Staff Member Manager

    Jul 7, 2000
    Ahhh, more humor... humor is good! :) :)

    Loved 'Behind the Helmets' and "Three Hot Chicks and a Gungan'... especially when Rabe sent Anakin crying and running in fear... that was great!! :D :D
  23. TheDarth

    TheDarth Jedi Padawan star 4

    Sep 30, 2001
    yeah, but still, the title hints on something else...
  24. Risste

    Risste Jedi Youngling star 3

    Nov 26, 2001
    Wow. Just......Wow
    ROTF, man. This is great.
  25. TheDarth

    TheDarth Jedi Padawan star 4

    Sep 30, 2001
    I loved it btw
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