Beyond - Legends Some Things --Vader Babysits Lil' Mara {Humor} -- A/N 3/14

Hugs to obaona and Jedi_Liz, who were willing to listen to my ramblings about this and finally got me to type it out.

Well... correction. I wrote it out a long time ago, lost it, and so am typing it out again!

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Standard Disclaimer-- I am not Lucas, I do not own Star Wars, and doubt that I ever will. So don't sue me, I'm doing this for the heck of it.

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I?m not the exactly a nice person. Far from it, actually. I am Vader, the Dark Lord of the Sith. The Master of the Dark Side. The Emperor?s right-hand man, feared by Rebels and Imperials alike. I destroyed the galaxy?s Jedi during the infamous Purges and helped build an Empire in the broken shadows of the Republic. My displeasure means a quick death to those unlucky enough to be on the receiving end of my wrath.

All right then, perhaps I?m not a nice person at all. So sue me.

But that?s not the point. The point is that there are some things even I would not do. Even I have boundaries, even I have a line that I refuse to cross. Some things much too horrible to even be considered as punishment. Things that even I would never force my worst enemy to do.

My Master, though, is entirely different. He feels no compulsion to be nice, decent, or just when doling out punishments. He tends to take great pleasure in watching his subordinates get stuck with the worst tasks imaginable, the jobs that make the eternal chaos of a darksider?s death sound like heaven in comparison.

Things such as, for example, babysitting six-year-old redheads by the name of Mara Jade.

Perhaps I should start at the beginning.

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My Master summoned me to his throne room one day for no apparent reason. Not that this was a strange occurrence, mind: my Master tends to do whatever happens to suit his current whim.

What disturbed me this time, though, was the person I saw leaving just as I entered: Xizor. Prince Xizor was my greatest rival for the Emperor?s attention, the reptilian Dark Prince and Underlord of Black Sun-- the largest criminal organization in the galaxy. Xizor, a member of the reptilian Falleen species, made Jabba the Hutt of my native Tatooine look like the bloated slug he was. We were competitors for the Emperor?s favor-- a rather one-sided competition, in my opinion, because Force knows that the Dark Lord could kick the Dark Prince?s scaly behind any day of the week.

He shot me a self-satisfied smirk as he exited, an ill omen for my meeting with the Emperor.

?Enter, Lord Vader,? Palpatine cackled.

Casting a last wary glare in Xizor?s direction, I entered the throne room, cloak swirling behind me. Contrary to popular belief, the Emperor?s throne room was quite Spartan, decorated in muted blacks and grays. He could have had anything he wanted, of course: he was the Emperor of a galaxy, after all. However, for whatever reason, he chose to keep his rooms and clothing plain and black, wearing what looked suspiciously like a black burlap sack with a hood.

Not that I?m complaining. Glowing red jewels or bright blue silks wouldn?t have done much to aid his complexion either. I doubt my Master had ever come into contact with a nice bottle of Jergens.

I knelt. ?What is thy bidding, my Master?? I intoned, a question that had become more habit than not.

?Arise, my friend,? he replied. ?Rise and come forward.?

I walked towards the throne, puzzled but silent. My Master had his own little quirks, at times; I learned to live with them. He wasn?t quite as eccentric as Master Yoda, thank the Force, who enjoyed making a certain Anakin Skywalker (a name that has no meaning to me!) cook a certain swamp stew for him as punishment. Ew.

?I have a task for you, my friend. One that does not require you to hunt down any of the Jedi scum, but, nevertheless, one that I trust you will find most... interesting. Educational, even,? he added with a private little cackle. Palpatine crooked a finger at the shadows by his chair, beck

 

Hahahahahahahaha! Oh my lord... can't breathe... can't breathe... HAHAHAHAHA! That's priceless! Especially that last line ROFLMAO!

 

*is laughing uncontrollably*

More, please and soon . . . just not too soon. Must recover breath.

 

*turns an alarming shade of purple and red*



OMG! That was absolutely hilarious!

GRANDPA SID!? UNCLE VADER? Oh my! *falls off of chair*

Wonderful start! Can't wait to see more of DV babysitting lil' Mara and getting a taste of parenthood! *cracks up*

AQ

 

LMAO!

This is good! More, write MORE!!!!!! NOOOWWWW! Kid Mara! Woohoo!

~Isildur
The Cheddar Squeeze Cheese!

 

Oh. My. Heavens. This is absolutely hilarious!!! Little Mara Jade being babysat by Vader? ROTFL!!!!

Here are some of my favorite lines:

He tends to take great pleasure in watching his subordinates get stuck with the worst tasks imaginable, the jobs that make the eternal chaos of a darksider?s death sound like heaven in comparison.

Things such as, for example, babysitting six-year-old redheads by the name of Mara Jade.


Oh, I?d thank him all right. Slimy little reptile. I?d thank him with a nice large stick shoved up his a--


She followed obediently enough, having to run a few steps for one of my strides. ??Bye, Grandpa Sid!? she called over her shoulder.

I nearly had a heart-attack at that. Grandpa Sid?? Oh, by the stars...

?Goodbye, Mara!? Palpatine answered. ?Behave for Uncle Vader!?

Uncle Vader??


?Can I call you Ani??

Oh my stars! That is just too funny! Uncle Vader and Grandpa Sid? Poor deluded child!

 

this is hilarious! You have to post a link to this in the Mara Jade fan club. You'll get a lot of readers (I'd hope).......

 

V_I, that was so funny, *trys to keep a straight face then bursts out laughing*

 

Oh my gosh this is one of the funniest things I've read all day.... ROTFL!

 

Up!

 

Up again!

 

lol this is too funny

 

"Can I call you Ani?" I love that!!!

That's was awesome!!! Very funny. Can't wait for more!!!

 

Grandpa Sid??

Ohhhh, I'm out of laughing faces.

Can't wait for more!

 

*runs in* YAYYYYYY!!!!! A VADEY FIC!!!!! I WUV VADEY!!!!! *clears thoat* Great fic, incar. HAHAHAHAHHA!!!! VERY FUNNY!!!!! *hugs incar* YOU ARE A BRILLANT WRITER!!!!!

 

That's so awesome incarmate!!!!!!!

More soon please!!!

I found it on the MJFC!

God bless!

<3-Moose

 

Day 1:
I found another excellent source of humor. Can't wait for more. As many hip say "up please". So funny, have decided to pass out, laughing

LOL!!!!!!
UNCLE VADER!? GRANDPA SID!? LOL!
more please
UP!!!!

 

LOL-- great story.

 

*kicks the thread back up to the top of the boards*

 

[face_shocked] Wow... look at all the replies! I'm so happy you like it! It's my first attempt at a humor fic on my own.

*hands out chocolates to everyone*



Jade_Max-- Thank you. *bows with a flourish* As I told oba, I had waaay too much fun with this.

obaona-- Speak o' the devil! *grins* Hello! *hands oba a respirator* I think that might help with your breathing problem. And... she-yite, person, you know how soon "soon" is for me... *is sheepish*

AngelQueen-- *is concerned about the purple and red shade* Eh... do you need some water? And thank you for the ups!

Isildur_42-- Thank you. *grins*

Qui_Xux-- Poor deluded child indeed. Though I daresay that m'Lord Vader will have his fair share and more of parenthood by the time I finish with him.

Jedi_Liz-- Thank you! And-- I did. I put up a little notice.

mistryljediskywalker-- *hands out another glass of water* Be careful... wouldn't want you to choke...

Wild_Huntress-- Thank you again! *grins* I figured that since everyone loved torturing their favorite character *coughOBItorturecough* I'd do a bit, too...

Aimeer9-- Thanks.

kasiaskywalker--

The_Chosen_One41981-- You like it! Grazie. (Italian)

The_Standmaiden-- Thank you, yet again. More... sooner than later, hopefully.

jedifighter-- I do believe you're the only person to ever call me "incar". Most go with V_I or v_i or Vader... or m'lord, when I ask it... Merci beaucoup.

Malz4JESUS-- *quickly looks for another way to say thank you* Gracias.

Blue_Ice-Green_Fire-- *Hands out another glass of water and a respirator, just in case* I'd get something to revive you, just in case again, but my medical supplies are somewhat limited at the moment.

JainaJag00-- Obrigado. (Portuguese)




And to everyone-- I'll have another chapter up soon. I'm extremely glad that you like it. It's my first attempt at doing humor on my own, though I tend to try and stick humor into everything else. So here's a place where I can do that without all the strange looks.

 

*grins* No I've recovered enough to where I can breath again! But thanks for asking!

New chapter soon? *cheers* Woohoo!

AQ

 

AngelQueen- Glad to hear that your breathing problem is better. I'm going to stock up on some respirators, though, just in case. And some more tissues, hankies, and adrenaline shots... *checks off items on list* ... and, of course, cookies.



QUESTION: What do you guyz think is going to happen next, other than Lord Vader being confused and generally tortured by the six-year-old version of Mara Jade?

obaona and Jedi_Liz can't guess because I already bounced some ideas off of them!

 

vader: That's not enough?

 

The_Standmaiden-- When you put it that way, I suppose it is. But I was looking for specifics, m'dear.