Star Wars EP IV: A New Hope (UK FF Stylee)

Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Nothing ever happens out here...I shoulda been a hermit on some Brothel Planet..but oh no 'To Tatooine you must go'....stumpy little green flucker.....I swear I'm going nuts out here....If only two droids would turn up with a whole herd of problems....and some skunk....

 

<Luke walks into his posse's hang out to see all his friends shooting up>

Biggs?!

Biggs: Hey Luke... coming up back for a smoke

 

Princess Leia Cantona is led down a low-ceilinged hallway by a squad of armored JC-stormtroopers. Her hands are bound and she is
brutally shoved when she is unable to keep up with the briskly marching troops. They stop in a smoky hallway as Darth Invader
emerges from the shadows. The sinister Dark Lord stares hard at the frail young senator, but she doesn't move.

 

//Along comes the local drug dealing jawa. Oot tee dooo (Do you want to buy this stuff mate? You look like the type, Big brown robes, bearded.

//Leia Cantona//. Darth Vader, only you would be so bold to attack a diplomatic ship in that camp costume. I mean, look at your codpiece.

Hmm, I do like a bad boy, should I flirt with him?

 

Pah! You dirty little slut, I oughta *remembers warning from Imperial Officer earlier*.... jus tell me where the damn plans you were sent are, before I go to work on your pretty behind

 

Jawas....I can't abide those creatures....

I get this a lot though...People keep coming up to me in the Jungland wastes and asking for 'The Dude's' autograph.....I have NO idea what they're talking about....

Where the hell are those goddam droids gonna land?! I want my crops!

 

vrootbeeptootbeepbeeptootwhistlebeeptootpvrootbeeptootbeepbeeptootwhistlebeeptootpopop
(let me drive you said, well that the last time, im off. rust in hell you golden gimp)

 

Dum de dum. Herding my banthas, minding my own business. Ah, I do wish a nice farm boy would pass by...so I can hit him.

 

C3P0 steps out into the barren sandy wastland

Oh my goodness..we've landed on a beach..and I haven't got my thong..tst

Where are you going R2D2?? Come back...we can tan over here

 

Leia Cantona is marched away down the hallway and into the smoldering hole blasted in the side of the ship. A JC-Officer Commander turns to Vader.


SECOND OFFICER: Lord Invader, the stash is not aboard this ship! And no transmissions were made. An escape pod was jettisoned during the fighting, but no life forms were aboard.

 

vrootbeeptootbeepbeevrootbeeptootbeepbeeptootwhistlebeeptootpopptootwhistlebeeptootpop
(no way, that it, im off to find a bar and this on one keith fella, you just try to follow)

 

But R2..my tan!!

 

//As Leia Cantona is led away she notices how handsome and rougish the JC officer is. "So big boy do you want tocome to my cell for some fun.

(ED: Too crude and crass. Apologies to one and all.)

 

She must be smuggling it into Tatooine someplace.. send a detachment of your incompetant troops down to the surface to look for it... I bet some other gimp gets in the way again though...

*Hears Leia Cantona's comment to the Commander*......slap.......

 

Threepio, hot and tired, struggles up over the ridge of a dune; only to find more dunes, which seem to go on for endless
miles. He looks back in the direction of the now distant rock mesas.

In a huff of anger and frustration, Threepio knocks the sand from his joints. His plight seems hopeless, when a glint of reflected light in the distance reveals an object moving towards him.

 

What's that in the distance???...it's a transport...I'm saved!!!

KOOOHOOO HELLOOOO!!!....OVER HERE!!!

 

vrootbeeptootbeepbeeptootwhistlebeeptootpopwhinebuzzzfart
(come on than you little brown feckers, what id give for a pair of arms)

 

JAWAS: (riding around on tricycles in the Sandcrawler) EEEEEE heeeeeeeeee Yutini

(Look at how that golden puff is standing...)

 

//Stands like a teapot

 

JAWA: eecka yoooofeeeeee

(Quick...get him...he might help our dwindling rent-bot business)

 

Oh my...little midgets..

Shooosh...go away...shooosh

 

In the distance, a pepple tumbles down the steep canyon wall and a Jawa darts into the shadows.

R2 waddles along the rugged trail until
suddenly, out of nowhere, a powerful magnetic ray shoots out of the rocks and engulfs him in an eerie glow.

JAWA: Yuuuuuuuuutinniiiiiiiiiiii

(Ha! Jawa-juice hits the spot once again...I thank you!)

 

vrootbeeptootbeepbeeptootwhistlebeeptootpopwhinebuzzzfartpoptootbeepbeepbeep
(dodam little brown freaks, if i had arms id tear you a new)//thunk

 

JAWA: hee hee hee koo shaaaaaiightttt

(should be able to sell him on as a dildo for a hutt)

 

R2 enters a wide room with a four-foot ceiling. In the middle of the scrap heap sit a dozen or so robots of various
shapes and sizes. Some are engaged in illegal droid acts, while others simply mill about. A voice of recognition calls out from the gloom....


(HEY...WHERE THE HECK IS EVERYONE)