Saga - ST Star Wars: Millicent Rules! The Series

Kylo, you are truly an epic fail. Millicent rules!


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Felinus. Felidea.

Love your splendid word games, dear gizka spice, Always elegant and evil fun!!!

 

@Nehru_Amidala Thanks for the comment! Indeed, Kylo is an epic fail. He is a big kid whose cat pees on him and there's nothing he can do about it because Blackie also (secretly) rules!

@AzureAngel2 Thanks! The word games are fun! I mean, Star Wars is already filled with ridiculous names, surely slipping in a few cat names makes sense Glad you're enjoying the elegant and evil fun and there is more to come!

New Year, New Chapter and New Adventures!

Chapter 15

A phone call woke Millicent from her kitty nap and she grumbled as she jumped off the table angrily and crawled into her 5-story cat tree.

"You have reached General Hux of the First Order," answered Hux as he filled out repair paperwork.

"Hello, good sir!" said a cheerful feminine voice from the other side of the transmission. "We're collecting donations for the National Porg Orphanage. Would you support us with a donation of 50 credits per month? Your support would provide a safe haven for abandoned Porgs from being eaten by Wookiees for an entire year! Plus, if you donate now, we'll even send you a limited time edition pink Porg and an unlimited subscription to 'Porg Now!' magazine!"

Hux scowled. "What clownery is this? I don't give donations. I'm evil! Good day!" He hung up, returning to his work immediately.

Suddenly, a transmission from Supreme Leader Snoke in his golden bath robe appeared on the desk. "General, what is the status regarding negotiations with planet Felinus?"

"The people of Felinus have agreed to support the First Order," announced Hux. "They couldn't resist our offer of unlimited catnip supplies."

"Excellent," said Snoke. Millicent was now swatting at his hologram with a paw because it was flickering and Snoke was just watching the paw pass right through it. Bap, bap, bap! her paw went furiously. She was certain if she slapped the hologram hard enough she would kill it like a good cat. "They won't get a better deal from the Resistance. Proceed with operations as planned."

"Immediately, Supreme Leader," answered Hux before hanging up to answer another transmission.

"General, there's a major water flooding in Sector D-28 from the nearest men's washroom," reported an officer named Colonel Erich Datoo. "Kylo Ren was last seen fleeing the area."

Millicent was now getting enraged with the constant beeping of people calling the office and began hitting the transmitter device with her paw until it malfunctioned. Bap, bap, bap!

Meanwhile, Hux's attention was diverted towards something more urgent on the main computer screen: someone cancelled all of Millie's recent cat food shipments within the last day and all current shipments were sent back or were untraceable. This clearly indicated someone within the First Order hated Millicent and wanted her to starve which pointed to an obvious assassination attempt.

He wasted no time in contacting his Captain using her personal comlink number. "Phasma, we have another cat-hater. Find out who cancelled CAT-orders 1109 and eliminate the culprit. Leave no evidence."

"It will be done," she answered quietly before putting away her comlink. She turned to her training squad of teenaged stormtroopers who were throwing snowballs at each other. "Training session is now over!"

"Yayyyy!" screamed the stormtroopers happily and began running back to base, trampling over Finn who was their volunteer training supervisor.

"Ahh!" he cried, wriggling in the snow before sitting up. Finn saw the chrome stormtrooper walk away in another direction, away from the base. "Huh. That's odd. I wonder what Captain Phasma is up to......I'm gonna follow her."

Suddenly, Blackie popped out of the snow right in front of him like a diagona, shifted his eyes suspiciously and used his whiskers like antennae. He stared at Finn momentarily before hiding back into the snow.

Finn stood up. "Um......Okay? That kitten is so weird..."

***
"General Organa, our ambassador ship on Felinus was completely destroyed," announced Lieutenant Connix suddenly. "It appears the people of Felinus have a distrust for the Republic and its allies..."

Leia sighed after reading the latest spy transmissions from Blackie in the computer database. "I know...but the report came too late. Felinus is now a supporter of the First Order. Their military power could have assisted us."

"Okay, whoa, just a second here," interrupted Rose as she entered the control room. "Felinus is a planet populated by PEOPLE, not CATS, right?"

"Cats are a kind of people," clarified Poe. BB-8 beeped in agreement.

"He's right, you know," confirmed Leia, nodding.

Rose stared, shocked by the cat stuff as usual. She slowly backed away. "Mhmm....Okay then."

***
The old Imperial veteran, Admiral Agate Tiro, ran for her life in the snow outside Starkiller base. Somehow, Phasma found out that she was responsible for deliberately cancelling Millicent's cat food supplies and trying to sabotage her kitty hover-board.

"You won't get away from me this time, Admiral," echoed Phasma's sinister voice throughout the snowy forest. Powdery snow was beginning to fall from the gray sky.

The Admiral looked back, quickly pulled out her pistol, and fired a few shots at the chrome stormtrooper. To her surprise, the bolts bounced off her armor. She gasped, running faster through the thick snow but having no choice but to stop at the edge of a cliff that was just conveniently there.

Phasma shot the pistol out of the other woman's hand and proceeded forward, her cape blowing in the icy wind like the wing of a predatory bird. "There is no room for traitors; no room for cat haters."

The Admiral spat. "You're the traitor, Phasma! You and Armitage and all this crazy cat stuff popping up everywhere! It's out of control! It needs to stop!"

"I disagree," answered Phasma smoothly. "The cat stuff is totally cool and I completely support it."

"Well, I do not! I will never support it!"

"Then you're a fool. Millicent is the mastermind behind it all and she will be your death! Death by murder mittens!"

Admiral Tiro gasped, watching Millicent pounce at her with claws unsheathed and untrimmed. She tried to pull the cat off, but fell back into the endless abyss, never to be seen again. The cat leapt away just in time and safely jumped back beside Phasma on all fours.

"One less enemy; one less cat hater," announced Phasma before looking down into the snowy abyss. "Hm. Better go down there and check if she's really dead. Can't be too sure with people falling into bottomless holes these days."

Close by, Finn was sitting on the branch of a huge pine tree and witnessed the entire event. He watched Phasma walk off with the ginger cat on a leash, her cape flowing gracefully behind her. "Oh crap! Captain Phasma uses Millicent to murder people! The First Order is, like, really bad or something! And now I'm stuck on a tree and it's cold...."

***
"Here's Millicent," announced Phasma as she walked into the General's office, taking off the cat's harness, hat and little snow kitty boots. The cat walked back into her sleeping bag on the table happily, chirping. "She had a fun time in the snow exterminating some vermin."

"Excellent," said Hux, and then put a green hat on a happy Millicent. She loved hats. "Do you like her new Baby Yoda hat?"

".......I can't believe you're into that...."

******

 

This has been a bit neglected..so time for an update for anyone interested!

Chapter 16

It was relatively quiet aboard the Finalizer when suddenly a baby mouse droid hit General Hux's boot. He picked it up and observed it while it squealed in terror. "Well, hello there, adorable marketing opportunity."

Then suddenly, a strange sing-along song echoed in the hallways: the melody of the terrible Knights of Ren, all six of them with weapons in hand, dragging in mud and dirt onto the newly polished floors.

”We are the Knights Who Do Nothing! Nothing, nought, nil, zero!"

They marched uniformly towards Kylo Ren’s quarters until suddenly General Hux blocked their way. “Excuse me. Stop right there.”

“How dare you block our path!” screeched the leader of the Knights of Ren.

Hux scanned them from top to bottom with repulsion. They smelled funny and their boots were filthy. They were spreading mud and dirt across the ship’s beautifully shiny and polished floors. The Knights of Ren were like a pack of dogs and dogs were not animals he liked. “Would you care to please use the doormat next time?”

“You’re not our boss! We only take orders from Kylo Ren!”

Hux glared at them spitefully and then turned his attention to Kylo Ren who arrived holding a Darth Vader themed volleyball. “Ren, please tell your boy band to wipe their feet before entering First Order capital ships.”

Kylo turned his helmet towards his Knights. “Hey guys, use the doormat next time, okay? General Sux is getting his cat panties in a twist.”

The General resumed standing dutifully, his left eye twitching ever so slightly.

“Okay, boss,” said the Knights, shrugging. “Let’s go or we will be late for the volleyball tournament!”

“Okay,” said Kylo Ren, putting his black kitten on top of his helmet. “I’m taking my cool black cat, Blackie. She’s gonna be the judge. Hope she doesn't pee on me this time."

And so, the sing-along song resumed as Kylo Ren joined the Knights of Ren as they departed. “We are the Knights who do Nothing! We like mud and Blackie, too!”

Just then, Finn was walking by for janitorial duties when Hux stopped him. “You there, lowly janitor! Clean this mess immediately. I want Millicent to be able to see her own reflection.”

“Uhh, yes, sir!” said Finn as he began to mop the floors.

“And when you’re done, report to my office for litter cleaning duty,” added Hux before he departed, making sure his boots avoided contact with the dirt on the floors.

Gross, gross, gross, thought Finn, cringing. And then he had to go to General Hux’s office, which was filled with all that weird cat stuff.

***
Finn entered General Hux’s office holding a plastic bag and the litter scoop. The General was sitting at his desk filling out some paperwork while Millicent was kneading her sleeping bed. “There,” he said, pointing to the other side of the room without even bothering to look up to the stormtrooper.

Finn gulped, holding his breath as he proceeded to clean the smelly litter box. He turned his helmet away in repulsion. Smelly cat! What was Hux feeding her?! He finally tossed the bag into the nearest garbage disposal and breathed in fresh air at last. “I’m….done, sir.”

“Good. You are dismissed.”

Not much of a talker, is he? thought Finn as he walked towards the door. Then he noticed that Millicent was wearing a high ranking officer hat. Maybe he could give a compliment and potentially get on Hux’s good side. Maybe he’ll even get a promotion! “Millicent has a nice hat.”

“Just ‘nice?’” asked Hux, finally looking up, which made the stormtrooper’s blood freeze in fear. “It’s not fabulous?”

Finn cleared his throat fearfully. “What I meant to say, sir, is that Millicent has the nicest and most fabulous hat if cats wore fabulous hats, which I guess they do since Millicent wears one.”

“Indeed,” agreed Hux, “not all cats are privileged to wear hats but all cats should.”

"You're absolutely right, General, whatever it is you just said," said Finn and then thought: I have no idea what he just said.... Just then, Captain Phasma entered the office.

“Phasma,” said Hux, motioning to the empty chair beside the stormtrooper. “Please take a seat. We’re talking about cat hats.”

“Excellent,” said Phasma, and sat beside the nervous stormtrooper to deliberately make him feel even more uncomfortable. “I’m so glad I get to sit beside my favorite soldier, FN-2187, whose vending machine priorities I am sure I don’t need to suspend.”

“Uh…uh….You got that right, Captain,” answered Finn, shifting his eyes suspiciously. He gulped fearfully, knowing he was stuck alone in a room with his bosses and that evil cat. He was sure they were going to torture him with all this funky cat stuff.

Suddenly, Millicent began to sing and dance on the table, meowing loudly like a super star.

“Look at her go,” commented Phasma. “She’s a natural.”

“I signed her up with 'Dancing with the Stars',” said Hux proudly. "Be sure to vote for her tonight."

“Her extracurricular activities are impressive, General. If I recall correctly, Millicent is signed up for ice-skating, ballet, arts and crafts, cooking, and singing lessons.”

“Of course, Phasma. Supreme Leader Snoke demands that Millicent must be well-rounded if she is to be entered into the Imperial Kitty Academy.”

Okay. Getting very weird, thought Finn. Please someone do something to get him out of here. Where's a miracle when he needed one?

"I simply cannot wait for that 10 hour special of 'cats sleeping in awkward positions' with absolutely no washroom break," announced Phasma suddenly, leaning her helmet sinisterly towards Finn.

"Yeah, me, too, Captain," answered Finn. Wait, what the hell was he saying!?

"And after that 10 hour special, I have 200 pictures I took today on my comlink of Millicent we can go over," added Hux. "Half of them are of her cute nose."

"Whoa, spoiler alert there, General," said Phasma.

Finn was now crying internally. For once, he prayed for Kylo Ren to destroy something or pull the fire alarm.

"General, the transport ship has arrived in the hangar bay," reported an officer by the doorway.

"Oh, good," said Hux and then whispered to Phasma. "That must be Millicent's friends."

Yup, thought Finn, overhearing this. He definitely needed to escape, and not just this office but the First Order and the cat stuff within it.
And he sensed that day would soon arrive......

********

 

Terrific updates, and the Hux/Ren bickering was comedy gold. Millicent rules!!


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Thank you @Nehru_Amidala ! Glad you liked it Also thanks for anyone else who happens to read this!

Next fun chapter:

Chapter 17

Aboard the Supremacy, Kylo Ren and General Hux stood before Supreme Leader Snoke in his golden bathrobe. Snoke adjusted his very tiny reading glasses as he pulled up some financial spreadsheets on the giant monitor. “I see the First Order’s finances are in order. General, ensure that at least 5 million credits are spent on Millicent annually.”

“Of course, Supreme Leader,” said Hux, hands clasped behind his back. “May I also purchase a complimentary mug that says ‘Galaxy’s Best Cat Dad '?”

“Yeah, okay. We have the budget for that.”

Kylo Ren frowned from under his helmet. “General Hux doesn’t deserve that mug, Supreme Leader. I saw him throw away a box Millicent used to sleep in. Cats love boxes.” He pointed a gloved hand at the General. “A real cat dad would have known that!”

Snoke stood up furiously. “General! Is this true? Did you throw away Millicent’s beloved box?”

Hux stepped up nervously. “It was necessary, Supreme Leader. The box was too small for her and forced her to sleep in uncomfortable positions.” He turned to Kylo Ren with a small smirk on his pale face. “But...some people just don’t understand cats. Perhaps they should consider having some pet lint from the dryer instead.”

"Sounds like you're asking for a real ass kicking there, General," warned Kylo.

Snoke sat back down again. “Ensure she gets another box immediately.”

***
They left the Throne chamber and began to walk toward the cafeteria. Kylo Ren turned to him suddenly. “See what I did there? Snoke got momentarily pissed off at you. That’s for tricking me into watering a fake plant for four months. Four months, Hux. I thought I was taking real good care of my bonsai plant but you were just secretly laughing at me, you jerkface.”

“I anticipated it would have taken you longer than that to figure it out,” said Hux, walking past him. “I’m impressed. Well done.”

Kylo Ren muttered some profanities under his helmet as he walked to the cafeteria. Somehow both of them missed Blackie the black kitten setting up complex spy equipment in a security room.

***
Meanwhile, in the cafeteria, Captain Phasma was reading her daily horoscope. ‘“Scorpio: today, a new challenge awaits you, one that will test your patience.’ I don’t like the sound of that.....”

Just then, Kylo Ren and Hux were on their way with their lunch trays bickering again before they sat across from Phasma. “Can you believe this guy?" said Kylo, slamming his tray down. “He tricked me into watering a plastic plant for four months.”

"That's dumb," said Phasma simply. "You're dumb, sir."

“At least you were being responsible, Ren,” said Hux. “Your mommy would be so proud of you.”

Kylo Force-threw a pea at him, but missed. An innocent stormtrooper slipped on it who just happened to be Finn walking by.

“Why does bad stuff always have to happen to me!?” complained Finn, wriggling on the ground.

“Would you like to know your daily horoscope, sir?” asked Phasma to Kylo.

“That’s bogus, Phas,” said Kylo. “The Force is my horoscope and it tells me everyday how much I rule and how awesome Darth Vader is. I love you, grandpa.”

“What about you, General?” asked Phasma. “I recall you being a Taurus. Your horoscope for today is: bad things are coming your way. You’ll lose your giant Deathstar and then in the next movie you’ll get pranked by a pilot.”

Hux formed a small smirk nervously. “She’s insane.”

“I read that you, sir, will apparently get kissed by a girl and die,” she resumed, reading further. She was referring to Kylo Ren, of course.

“I told you these things are stupid,” said Kylo, throwing her horoscope book away. He ignited his lightsaber, slicing the lunch bench into pieces before proceeding to return to his room angrily.

“Horoscopes!” yelled Kylo, smashing a trashcan. He broke a few elevators for no reason before he saw Blackie wandering around the hallways. He picked up the kitten and put him on his helmet. “And where are you going, young lady? You’re coming with me. No more being sneaky.”

Blackie shifted his eyes suspiciously. His sneakiness was just beginning….

*******

 

Been a while....well, for anyone interested, here is another wacky chapter!

Chapter 18

“Ladies and gentlemen, it’s Dancing with the Stars!”

The crowd went wild as the colorful lights flashed, cheering and clapping as the new season began of their favorite entertainment show. A man wearing a tuxedo came on stage suddenly with a microphone. “Good evening and welcome to a new season of Dancing with the Stars! I’m a Star Wars version of Tom Bergeron and you can probably tell because I’m wearing funny green antennae on my head which most likely means I’m some sort of an alien. Tonight we welcome a new star to the show—ladies and gentlemen the cat you’ve all been waiting for---Millicent Hux of the First Order!”

The crowd cheered as Millicent skated onto the stage in her special kitty skates and wore a pretty red dress and an officer’s hat. Behind her, the emblem of the First Order flashed and a stormtroopers choir sang which sounded a bit like a cat version of "Duel of the Fates". Suddenly a shower of colors and techno military music overwhelmed the senses of the audience.

“I picked her dress out myself,” whispered Hux to Phasma sitting beside him. He was wearing a tuxedo that looked exactly like his uniform while Phasma was wearing a dazzling stormtrooper-themed laced dress but wore her helmet. “I also bribed Kylo Ren with a Darth Vader shaped piece of lint I found under my sofa to make Millie levitate using the Force. What do you think of that?”

Phasma sipped her wine with a straw. “I think you’re getting weird and people might start whispering behind your back, Armie.”

"Is my hair alright though?" asked Hux suddenly, pulling out a small handheld mirror out of his pocket. "I think the wind touched it ever so slightly on the way here."

***
Meanwhile, outside the studio, Poe and Rose wore disguises in an attempt to enter the event and reveal the First Order’s propaganda to an unsuspecting Galaxy. Finn just happened to be stationed outside checking tickets. He was already standing there for five hours bored out of his mind, but at least he didn’t have to watch Millicent dance. He yawned from under his helmet. “Name?”

“Pooh and this is my wife, Tulip,” said Poe wearing a fake mustache. They were both a suspicious bunch.

Finn waved his hand, letting them pass. “…..Okay? Whatever, weirdo. Move along, move along. Nothing to see here, folks."

***
Back inside, Millicent was dancing without her skates now as a crowd of stormtroopers saluted her. She was suddenly surrounded by cardboard TIE fighters and jumped into each one as she made her way to the top of a cardboard box that looked like a Star Destroyer and began magically levitating.

"The things I do for Darth Vader,” mumbled Kylo Ren as he waved his hand to make the cat float slightly while Blackie sat on his helmet and shifted his eyes suspiciously for no reason.

Music and cat sparkles filled the air and the cat obsessed stormtrooper, FG-5622, began singing “Millicent rules!” in an angelic voice as cat angels elevated him. Suddenly, Millicent did a flip and landed on all fours and the audience gasped and applauded as the music stopped.

“Wow!” said the Star Wars version of Tom Bergeron. “Ladies and gentlemen, what a spectacular performance from Millicent! Let’s see what the judges have to say!”

The judges, a Tw’lek named Eirrac Abani, a Zabrak named Onurb Iloinot and a Chiss named Nel Namdoog clapped with the audience before they evaluated her performance.

“Millicent, that was amazing!” said Eirrac Abani. “You’re a born dancer and superstar! The Force is strong with this kitty. Ya’ll gotta learn from this cat some cool moves!”

“YAY!” screamed the audience while Millicent pounced happily in her dress like an orange jellybean.

“I will just say this….Millicent rules, indeed!” commented Onurb Iloinot. He was moving his arms around wildly for some reason. “Your flow, your grace, your cat pace, literally everything was brilliant!”

“Now, Millicent, I must agree that your dance was rather artistically done,” said Nel Namdoog while the audience cheered in agreement. “Young lady, you have a mighty grand dance future ahead of you!”

“One could say this was a pawsitively purrfect dance show,” said the Star Wars version of Tom Bergeron. “Judges, what are your scores?”

“TEN!” agreed the three judges and the audience went wild. Cat confetti showered the event and the stormtroopers cheered.

Meanwhile, Amilyn Holdo sat in the audience somewhere with her purple poodle and had her arms folded across her chest, completely unimpressed. "Obviously this was rigged."

“All 10's is rare here on Dancing with the Stars! And because Millicent rules, she automatically wins and we can all just ignore the other contestants and congratulate her! Let’s bring up her owner on stage, General Hux of the First Order!”

“First Order, First Order, First Order!” chanted the stormtroopers as Hux and Phasma went up on stage.

“Thank you, thank you,” said Hux, picking Millicent up into his arms. “Please don’t forget to subscribe to Millicent’s newsletters. The 500,000th subscriptor will receive a free, one-month subscription and a small-scale model of my ship, the Finalizer, with her authentic bite marks.”

“Wow, what an offer, folks!”

“Seriously?” muttered Kylo Ren in his seat while Blackie peed on him. “Who the hell would want a plastic model with cat bites on it? Dumb.”

“We are also selling adorable tiny cat hats at ridiculous prices which I am quite certain all of you will blindly purchase without question,” said Phasma, her dress flowing gracefully.

“You got that right, mysterious chrome lady!” cried someone randomly out in the audience.

Suddenly, Poe and Rose stood up and attempted to sabotage the entire event. “No! Don’t do it! Don’t support the First Order! Every credit you give to them will only support their war machines!”

“It’s First Order cat propaganda, ya'll,” yelled Rose, kicking away security guards. “How dumb can you people be!? Once they take your money, they'll take your planet, too!”

“Down with the First Order!” cried Poe, ripping apart a poster promoting the event. “Down with Millicent!”

“Boooo,” cried the audience as the duo was taken away and thrown outside the studio.

Poe landed on his bum, stood up, brushed himself off and took off his disguise. “Well, we tried and that's what matters! Some day the First Order will reveal its true colors to the Galaxy. And we'll be the spark that will burn a partial detachment of the First Order, probably fail miserably and then Leia will slap me for blowing things up."

"Not exactly sure what I signed up for," said Rose.

Meanwhile, Finn the bored stormtrooper was quietly sitting across from them on a tiny chair reading a book and looked up. “Hey, can you guys keep it down? I’m on my break.”

******