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Beyond - Legends Star Wars: The Parody (AU)/Spaceballs Xover - Complete

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by EmeraldJediFire, Feb 3, 2013.

  1. EmeraldJediFire

    EmeraldJediFire Jedi Master star 4

    Feb 23, 2012
    Title: Star Wars: The Parody
    Author: EmeraldJediFire
    Genere: Hurmor, parody
    Timeframe: FOTJ AU

    Summary: The Skywalkers and the Solos sit down to watch a holo parody of their early lives.

    Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars, it is the property of Lucasfilms and subsequently....Disney (sounds so weird)

    Notes: Okay, this idea came to me when I was watching the documentary on Youtube ®, "When Star
    Wars Ruled the World". They of course mentioned "Spaceballs". This stems off of the idea.

    This will be AU stuff, including ALL the Solos and Skywalkers. Jacen, Mara and Anakin will be alive. (And Chewie) This will be around the time of 44 ABY, without the Sith Lost Tribe. Just purely AU.
    I will try not to play out every scene to the movie—but will do so if I find the parts interesting to the characters. This will probably be in parts since I don't think I can finish this in one sitting.

    "So, what's this holo we've just got to see?" Han Solo inquired, looking to his youngest.

    "It's great. Right, Jacen?" Anakin Solo grinned in his brother's direction.

    "It's way funny." Jacen agreed.

    Leia Organa Solo looked at her daughter, Jaina. "Do you know anything about this?"

    Jaina shrugged. "Haven't a clue. This is news to me too."

    "Sooo, are we starting?" Han asked, settling in.

    "Not yet…the holo starts in five." Anakin looked toward the front door. "I hope they get here in time."

    They being the Skywalkers; Luke, Mara, and Ben.

    "Where's Chewie?"

    "Bedroom." Anakin answered.

    "Chewie, get out here, you big furry oaf!" Han hollered.

    The Wookie lumbered out, grumbling.

    Just then, the door-chime rang.

    "That's them!" Anakin announced excitedly.

    "I'll get it." Leia started to get up.

    "I'll get it, Mom." Jaina offered and headed for the door.

    "Are the snacks almost ready?" Leia asked.

    "Almost." Jacen responded, sticking his head in the kitchen. "I'll bring these chips out in the meantime."

    "They're here." Jaina announced, walking back in with the Skywalkers following her.

    "So, what's this thing you called us over for?" Mara asked curiously.

    "Apparently, the boys found a holo we just have to see." Her sister-in-law explained.

    "Have to? Luke interjected.

    "Apparently." Han shrugged his shoulder and sat down; digging into the chips Jacen had placed in front of him.

    Chewie lumbered over the family, making woofing sounds.

    Anakin shot them a glare. "Shh, it's starting soon."

    The Wookie slumped his shoulders, looking chastised by the young Solo. Only Anakin could do that.

    Ben sat down in a nearby chair. "Let's do it then."

    "Here it comes!"

    Leia looked at her eldest son. "Jacen, is that food ready. I'm starved."

    "Me too." Ben said. "I could eat."

    Mara snorted. "That's an understatement of the millennium."


    "Right, holo." Han popped chips into his mouth, crunching them.

    "Shh!" Anakin shushed his father again.

    "Fine. I'll chew quieter." He mumbled moodily.

    Chewbacca woofed again.

    Han rolled his eyes. "No, I said chew, not Chewie."

    "Here it comes."

    "Comes what?"

    "The title crawl…" Jacen responded.

    "Would you two zip your traps?" Mara hissed."Some people would like to watch it."

    "You're the one talking now, Mom." Ben pointed out.

    Mara shot her son a deadly glare. Ben shrank back.

    Just then the title erupted on the screen, stars blanketing the background:

    "Spaceballs?!" The rest of the family announced—minus Jacen and Anakin.


    Text began to appear then scrolling down the screen, informing them of the general story line.

    "So these Spaceballs—that's a race?"

    "Bad guys." Anakin corrected.

    "Right, the baddies, these Spaceballs."

    "They're trying to take over the neighboring planet of Druidia." Jacen explained.

    "I see." Luke murmured.

    "Wait, a wedding?" Han muttered.

    "Yeah, Princess Vespa…"

    Just then the crew watched as a giant spaceship of some type dragged across the screen, it resembled a Star Destroyer—but it seemed to go on forever.

    "Is this going to end soon?" Mara asked, beginning to feel annoyed.

    Jacen and Anakin remained silent, smirking.

    They watched the ship pan across for at least a good three standard minutes. Finally, to their relief, the tail end of it, thrusters blazing, appeared.

    "Sith that was long." Mara let out a breath.

    "We break for nobody." Han said, reading the giant bumper sticker on the back of the ship.

    Mara wrinkled her nose in distaste. "Okay, this is already getting stupid. Anyone want a drink?"

    Several "yeses" chorused.

    "All right…I'll get some." She retreated into the kitchen

    "She's going to miss the best part." Anakin complained.

    Jacen put a finger up to his lips silently ordering his brother to remain quiet.

    The Skywalkers and Solos watched some trivial dialogue that seemed to be taking place on the bridge of the ridiculously long starship. The Spaceballs were approaching the planet of Druidia. No, they had reached it.

    Mara came back out, a tray in hand and began passing around the drinks. She eyed the screen, not sure what to make of it.

    "Make way for Dark Helmet!" A crewman on the screen announced.

    "Dark Helmet?" Mara echoed. She didn't like this.

    A short dark figured entered the shot, with a very familiar looking mask. Her eyes widened. Oh my stars… She almost dropped her tray. Her husband who was in the middle of taking a drink, spit out his juice.

    Chewie let out a menacing roar at the sight

    "Easy, Chewie!" Han jumped up to placate the Wookie.

    "Luke!" His sister yelped, seeing her brother's plight. "Are you all right?" She reached over to slap her brother on the back.

    Luke coughed a few times then fixed his eyes on the screen.

    "Dark Helmet?" His eyes widened. "That can't possibly be..."

    "Yup." Anakin said, trying to conceal a grin.

    "Anakin!" Leia chided. "I don't think is funny at all."

    "No, it is…just keep watching."

    Several moments had gone by which they had missed. They turned back to the holo. A man was being carried out by two other. The scene progressed on: Dark Helmet was speaking to an officer, Colonel Sanders about the planet of Druidia. They began the exposition of the plot further: apparently they were going to kidnap the Princess Vespa, in order to get her father to give them the codes to the airsheild which surrounded Druidia.

    "So, what happened to their air?" Mara asked, her brow furrowing.

    "It got drained." Anakin said.

    "How do you drain air?" Ben questioned. "That doesn't make sense."

    Anakin shrugged.

    "Okay, so how are they going to transport the air?" Mara inquired further.

    "Can't say." Jacen spoke this time. "That would be spoiler."

    "A what?" Luke turned to his nephew.

    Anakin clarified, "A spoiler. It's something that gives away a critical part to a holo movie or series."

    Mara said, "Oh."

    Luke grinned. His wife had been rendered practically speechless.

    "Wipe that smug grin off your face, Farmboy, before I do."

    After the scene had ended, it panned to a planet the crew suspected was Druidia. Then it showed a religious house of some sort with a sign outside saying:

    Today, the Wedding of Princess Vespa to Prince Valium, Tomorrow Bingo

    Next, was the shot of the inside of the structure. A young brown-haired woman stood in a gorgeous white wedding gown, a bouquet in hand beside her stood a very important looking man. He appeared to be a king, as evidence by the crown on his head.

    "What is this?" Han demanded.

    Jacen smiled but relented. "Apparently it's a holo parody of your guys' story. Sort of."

    "Our story?" He echoed.

    "Yeah, you, Mom, and Uncle Luke. Sort of."

    "Sort of." Leia repeated.

    She stared at the young woman, realization dawning on her.

    "Is that supposed to be me?"

    "What gave it away?" Mara murmured sarcastically.

    "I think it might have been the buns." Jaina answered, curling her hair around and smashing it to the side of her head.

    "Leia, you're missing the show." Luke responded, his eyes were fixed on the screen.

    He had momentarily startled by Dark Helmet, the Darth Vader look-alike. Albeit Helmet was tiny in stature compared to the Dark Lord, and as an added gag he often showed his face. Heck, he even drank caf.

    "Luke, I can't believe you're interested in this!"

    He shrugged. "I suppose I should be angry...but what good would that do. Plus, I'd hate to go to the Darkside over something so…."

    Leia supplied, "Stupid."


    The rest of them turned back to the screen.

    "What happened?" Leia scrutinized it.

    "Apparently," Ben murmured. "Princess Vespa hightailed it out of there because she didn't love the prince. He was a pill." He laughed. "Literally."

    "Prince Valium." Jacen supplied. "I think its sleeping pill."

    "Yeah, the prince kept falling asleep." Ben chimed in.

    "So glad you find this humorous, Ben." Mara murmured dryly. "In fact, I can't believe your father is taking this so well." She looked to Luke.

    He was grinning.

    Mara turned back to the screen. An interior of some sort of ship. It was a ship right? Not any she'd ever seen. A big creature with floppy furry ears and tail was prancing around to music, a bucket of food in his arm. He had a large tail and had a human face.

    "Oh, no."

    "Don't tell me?" Han muttered. "Chewie. That's Chewie?"

    The Wookie roared in indignation

    "Yeah, I'm not too happy either, pal." He patted Chewie's arm sympathetically.

    Anakin was cracking a grin, finding this particularly hilarious.

    Another shot, a pilot in the "cockpit" of the ship.

    Chewbacca let out a bark which resembled laughter.

    "I think we found your double, Han." Leia spoke.

    Luke cocked his head. "Really? I don't see it.

    Han glared at Luke then Chewie. "Laugh it up, Fuzzball." He turned to Luke. "You too, Junior."

    What are you suppose to be? Chewie asked curiously.

    "Don't make me bring up that you look like a dog."

    The Wookie bared his fangs.

    "Yeah, yeah…"

    "Barf….Barf. BARFFFFFF!"

    Mara's face screwed up. "Barf?" She looked to her nephews. "Are you kidding me?"

    "Nope!" They answered.

    "This couldn't get any worse could it?" Leia murmured.

    Jacen said, "It could. It will."

    "Barf?" Luke echoed as if finally getting it. "Like…as in I'm going to?"


    Luke made a face. "Okay, I think I'm going to be sick at that."

    "Not yet." Anakin shook his head. "That's coming up."
  2. CmdrMitthrawnuruodo

    CmdrMitthrawnuruodo Force Ghost star 6

    Jul 1, 2000
    Lol. Love it!

    Tapatalk Signature
    Use the light switch, Luke. Trust your feelings!
  3. Jedi_Lover

    Jedi_Lover Chosen One star 5

    Nov 1, 2004
    If they don't like that, then they better not go and read the slashfics about them over at AFF. :p
  4. EmeraldJediFire

    EmeraldJediFire Jedi Master star 4

    Feb 23, 2012
    @CmdrMitthrawnuruodo, Thanks and here's the next chapter!
    @Jedi_Lover, I guess not....but that is a good idea...would you mind if I borrowed it. I think I know how to utilize it effectively.
    At this point I was still figuring out how to do the scene changes, so you might see methods improvment in the following chapters. I included an instance. I had it change much later because it called for will also be a preview of what to expect.. How the dialogue is done is also being worked on so that will be noticeable too.
    In the next scene, the creature Barf, made his way to the cockpit. The pilot, who still remained nameless, was receiving an in-coming com. He ordered his first mate to get it. Barf replied that he would put the feed on audio.

    A picture sprang to life in front of them. "Hello, Lone Starr." A half humanoid/half robot creature said.

    "Ooops." Barf looked in apology towards Lone Starr.

    "Ooops?" Han echoed. "How the Hell do you kriff that up?"

    Chewie roared.

    "I know you wouldn't, Chewie. Calm down."

    "Hello, Vinnie. What do you want?" Lone Starr inquired.

    "Oh, no, no, no. It's not what I want…it's what HE wants."

    The shot panned over to a mountain of what could only be described as a vomitous gooey lump. It was red and white and parts of it were falling off. What was more disgusting was the fact this lump had eyes and a mouth

    "Pizza the Hut!" Lone Starr and Barf announced.

    "Oh Sith…" Ben moaned. "I'm going to be sick…what the frack is that thing?" He covered his mouth averting his eyes.

    Other members of the family looked equally sickened—even Mara Jade Skywalker.

    "Is that supposed to be Jabba?" Mara said, face screwed up in revulsion.

    "I think so." Luke too was trying to keep his food down.

    "Han," Leia said, burying her face in her husband's shoulder. "I think we found something uglier and more putrid than Jabba."

    "I'd have to agree with you, Sweetheart." He put down his food. "I think I've lost my appetite."

    "How long is this going to be?" Jaina asked.

    The conversation went on between Lone Starr and the talking pile of goo; apparently the man owed the "Hutt" a million…spacebucks. The degusting creation issued an ultimatum via his subordinate.

    "Or else Pizza, is gonna send out for you!"

    "It's over….now." Anakin responded. "Everyone can look now."

    The family did, tentatively of course.

    "That was disgusting." Mara stated.

    Luke furrowed his brow. "And…I could have sworn at the end; his minion was eating him."

    "Don't talk, Dad!" Ben flapped his hand. "Or I really will be sick—all over aunt Leia's carpet."

    The scene focused once more on Princess Leia, sorry, Vespa who had driven away in her small ship. She was cruising out of a shield that surrounded the planet of Druidia. Princess Vespa sat in the pilot's seat a golden droid who was supposed was to represent 3PO.

    Han eyed the droid; it was yammering, much as 3PO did. Dot was complaining about the fact that Vespa had skipped out on the marriage. The conversation ended with the princess taking off her hair buns (he snickered inwardly at this) and stating she was glad that she had.
    Spaceballs I
    The next scene was filled with more deposition: one President Skroob blatantly lying to a citizen while he indulged in a can of air. He was next informed that the Spaceballs I—apparently that's what the ship was called—was closing in on Princess Vespa's ship. The next few minutes were filled with references and scenes which didn't make a hell of sense to the Skywalker/Solo clan.

    Spaceballs I was now once more on the screen and they were now firing upon princess. The princess herself was lamenting over the unfairness since she was royalty and made a com call. At least appeared to be one; the apparatus she was holding was very strange.

    The scene was very reminiscent of a moment in the past. It reminded Leia of the time the Empire had chased down her shuttle aboard to find the Death Star plans. She couldn't help but feel a little disconcerted.

    "That's vastly….incomparable."Leia spoke. "How are plans to the Death Star and codes to an airsheild alike in anyway?"

    "Well...I suppose you have a point." Ben conceded, answering his aunt. "There's no doubt that without the air Druidia would probably die…and without the plans more worlds would have been destroyed except Alderaan."

    "But unlike Alderaan—which I'm positive Druidia is supposed to represent—it could be saved." Jacen said, very aware he may have given away the ending. He looked to his mother and reached out to touch her hand. "Sorry, Mom. I wasn't thinking."

    "It's all right. We can't change the past." Leia took a breath. "Alderraan may be gone, but it still lives on in my heart." Leia focused more on the screen.
    The Spaceballs were gaining fast on Vespa, their laserblasts edging closer. The princess was whining to her father to save her. Leia crossed her arms, a feeling of annoyance at the portrayal of her "character".

    "Satire, Leia dear." Luke reminded her.

    She shot her brother a nasty glare.

    "You know what; I can't help but agree with Han at the moment." Luke was much too chipper for her standards. Dark Helmet alone should have set him on edge, but he had assumed the path of reason.

    "Now, Leia."

    "Oh hush up. I'm not speaking to you."

    Luke rolled his eyes.

    The visages of Lone Starr and his co-pilot Barf appeared then once more on the screen with King Roland hailing them via viewscreen.

    "Lone Starr, you've got to help. Please, save my daughter. She's being attacked by Spaceballs."

    At this announcement, Lone Starr looked turned off.

    "Spaceballs. Forget it. Too dangerous. Besides, I'm already numero uno on Dark Helmet's hitlist." He declared.

    Barf went on to back his first mate up by claiming they weren't afraid, death was not for them.

    Ben commented, "So, they don't call that being afraid?"

    "I don't blame him." Han stated.

    "Yes, says the man that was set on saving his own skin." Leia shot back.

    "I came, Sweetheart."

    "Don't make me-"


    Roland finally got Lone Starr to agree rescuing the princess through a bargain: "One princess for one million spacebucks."

    After the two had struck the bargain with the king they began to celebrate in a strange fashion. Their debt to Pizza was going to be paid.
    (Commercial Break)
    "This has to be the strangest thing I've ever seen." Han announced to his sons. "And I've seen strange."

    "Yeah, Jace," Ben concurred with his uncle. "Your sense of humor must've taken a left turn at a blackhole somewhere along the way."

    "It's a parody." Anakin replied.

    "It's…not very funny. It's supposed to be right?" Jaina asked.

    Anakin's face dropped. "Not you too, Jaya."

    "This better get better get better." Mara announced getting up to refill her glass.

    "I don't think it's bad." Luke said with a shrug of his shoulders.

    Everyone turned to stare at him as if he had proclaimed he was going to become an overlord.

    "You're kidding." Han said. "Tell me you're joking."

    "It's clear it's satire—and it strays far enough from the actual source material..."

    "Our lives."

    "…to be insulting in any way."

    Leia stared at her brother in exasperation.

    "Well, I'm glad you enjoy it…let's see how you feel when they start attiring your character."

    "That could be interesting." Ben piped up.

    Mara nudged her offspring but inwardly she reveled at the thought of how her sedate, tranquil husband would react to the depiction of himself.

    Anakin coughed.

    Mara turned to her nephew. "Something wrong?"

    "No, just a babo chip down the wrong pipe." He picked up a glass and took a sip. "There…that's better."

    She looked at him strangely, but he gave her a disarming smile. "Really, Aunt Mara."

    "If you say so, I'm watching you, Kid."
    (End of Commercial Break)
    "It's back." Anakin announced and launched back into his seat.

    "Now, I can finally eat right?" His father inquired.

    "Yeah, nothing more like Pizza." Jacen assured.

    "Good…" He set down his warmed food and started to eat.

    He watched the holo as he did this. The crew watched as Vespa's shuttle was caught in a tractor beam—from the viewpoint of Vespa and Dot and that
    of Lone Starr and Barf.

    "Oh no, Spaceballs and they've already got her in their magnetic beam. Oh, well we're too late. What a shame. I'll just throw it in reverse and we'll get
    out of here."

    Chewie roared in indignation over the besmirchment of his character.

    "Easy, Chewie." Han chided.

    Mara smirked at the money line. "At least they got the money grubbing you right, Solo."

    Lone Starr finally got Barf to see reason by reminding him the money they'd be receiving from the King. The duo then made plans of how to approach Spaceballs I without being caught on radar. The resolution: to jam it. Literally.

    A great glass of Jam shattered against the radar dish.

    "Seriously?" Mara intoned.

    "Jam. Nice." Ben quipped. "Like the Prince Valium joke."

    Mara looked over to her husband. "He's your son right now."

    "And how is that?"

    "Only a Skywalker would find that lame joke funny."

    Luke cast a pleading glance in Ben's direction. The youth shrugged his shoulders.

    Dark Helmet and Colonel Sanders were now discussing the fact that the radar had been jammed thanks to the radar officer.

    "The radar…it's been…jammed." The officer said.

    Ben began to snicker under his breath.

    "He's yours." Mara repeated with finality.

    More nonsensical jokes were issued along with a close up in which the holocam drifted too close to the villain, knocking him over. Mara rolled her eyes.

    "That's called breaking the fourth wall." Jacen informed.

    "Fascinating..." Mara replied in an unchanged tone.

    Lone Starr's ship then flew ever closer to the tractor-beamed two-passenger shuttle. They brought it up above the shuttle and Barf lowered himself by ladder down to it.

    Cut to inside the cabin once more where Vespa and Dot were startled by the noises outside. A piece of the roof slid open and over hovered the face of
    a dog-eared creature.

    "Okay, remind me how that works?" Ben asked. "They would have gotten sucked out."



    "Who are you?" asked Vespa.


    "Not in here, Mister, this is a Mercredes!" Dot chastised him.

    "High class shuttle." Anakin said.

    "C'mon, that "barf" line wasn't funny?" Ben asked his mother.

    "If you like juvenile male humor." She answered wryly.

    Han stroked his chin, "I dunno, Mara, I thought it was clever."

    "As I said…juvenile male humor."

    The three made further conversation with Barf informing the princess that they'd been hired by her father to rescue her.

    Vespa instructed that she couldn't leave without her luggage: yet another difference between the Druidian Princess and Leia herself.

    Barf ended up having to carry her matched luggage, dumping it in the corridor near the cockpit.

    "Checking in? What hell is all that?"

    Barf informed Lone Starr what it was which only seemed to annoy the swarthy Han Solo-like captain. Irritated, he got on the overhead speakers.

    "Now here this, as soon as we get outta here, the first thing we do is dump the matched luggage."

    The scene switched to Vespa and Dot standing in a compartment where Barf had previously occupied. At hearing these words, the princess depressed
    the button.

    "Now, here this, whoever you are, you will not touch that luggage. And furthermore, I want this pig-sty cleaned up…I will not be rescued in such filth." She announced snobbily.

    Lone Starr looking perturbed at taking orders from the snotty princess, retorted, "Listen. On this ship, I don't take orders, I give 'em. This is my dream boat, sweetheart."

    Cut back to Vespa: "Sweetheart?" The princess looked irked at this moniker.

    "Glad you didn't fly off the handle at that" Han said relieved.

    "No, I just had to deal with "Your Worshipfullness"."

    Vespa was finishing her tirade in reaction to Lone Starr's informal address.

    "Back to Darth Dufus." Han announced as the princess' shuttle was brought aboard Spaceballs I.

    Luke cracked a smile at this.


    "No, it's adequate." His friend responded. "He's ridiculous."

    "What I can't understand is how people are afraid of him?"

    "She's not in there." Dark Helmet announced after finding the princess gone.

    "…we're picking up the outline of a Winnebago."

    "Winnebago? Lone Starr. Lone Starr!" Helmet pounded on the ship, causing the hatch to fall on him comically.

    "See." Han asserted. "Darth Dufus."

    Luke had a hand raised to his mouth.

    Lone Starr and crew having figured out that the Spaceballs were on course with them once more immediately formed an escape route.

    "Switch to secret hyperjets." Lone Starr commanded.

    Barf: "Switching to secret hyperjets."

    He advised his passengers to buckle up. "….we're going into hyperactive."

    Spaceballls I was closing in on them. Leia held her breath, she knew if they were following storyline if only a bit, that Lone Starr and his crew would make it out.

    Ðark Helmet was giving the command to attack, but was radically too late as the Winnebago-whatever that was—jumped into hyperactive.

    "What happened?" Helemt cried out, lifting his mask. "Where are they?"

    Col. Sanders answered: "I don't know, Sir. They must have hyperjets out that thing."

    "And what have we got on this thing?! A quezinart?!"

    "No, Sir."

    "Well, find them. Catch them."
  5. CmdrMitthrawnuruodo

    CmdrMitthrawnuruodo Force Ghost star 6

    Jul 1, 2000
    I so love Spaceballs and this is great! Can't wait for Master Yogurt!

    Tapatalk Signature
    Use the light switch, Luke. Trust your feelings!
  6. EmeraldJediFire

    EmeraldJediFire Jedi Master star 4

    Feb 23, 2012
    @CmdrMitthrawnuruodo, Spaceballs is one of my favorite Mel Brooks movies...he does great comedy and parody comedy in general. As for Yogurt...that won't be till the fourth chapter...but it will be a treat. I think Luke is gonna get a big surprise though..

    Also, most of this has been written out...up to....chapter five, so due to the nature of how I have to write Spaceballs..have the characters react exactly the way I think they should. what should they say, how should they feel...who says what...and describing the film they're watching and what the character themselves are doing in their environment...its going to take a bit more time to write the chapters is the point I want to make through that long drawn out explanation.

    I've changed the format on how I present things.
    Somethings that will help you:
    This - symbol means two piece of dialogue going on at once, swapping back and forth.
    This one …. means switching scenes entirely.
    If I bold a line of dialogue, that means that one of the characters is saying the line the same time as the characters in the holo.

    Now, for the next chapter!
    "Prepare ship for lightspeed!" Col. Sanders announced.

    Helmet retorted. "No, no lightspeed is too slow."

    "It is?" Han said. "Since when?"

    "Lightspeed too slow?"

    "Yes, we're gonna have to go right to…Ludicrous Speed."

    Several gaps echoed around them.

    "Ludicrous Speed? Sir, we've never gone that fast before. I don't know if the ship can take it."

    "What exactly is Ludicrous Speed?" Luke asked. "Or do I want to know?"

    Anakin answered, "You'll see."

    After some banter between Helmet and his subordinate, resulting in Helmet calling Sanders a coward, the
    Colonel issued the order to prepare the ship. Yet, the more he spoke, the more his orders bordered on ridiculous.

    This was stopped when Helmet shouted: "Gimme that, you petty excuse for an officer!" as he grabbed the comm from the man.

    Ben started to snicker at this.

    This time his whole family turned to look at him oddly.

    "What?" Ben said. "Petty excuse for an officer...Petty Officer…It was funny." He looked around. "No one thought that was funny."

    Jacen shook his head. "Not even mildly amusing."

    Ben gaped at his older cousin astonished. "This coming from the king of lame jokes."

    "Sorry." The other shrugged his shoulders.

    Ben looked to Anakin.

    "Sorry, Little Cousin, you're on your own with this one."

    "I can't believe this." Ben muttered. "Fine...I guess I'll just watch the holo now."

    The sign had changed from Lightspeed to Rediculous Speed to Ludicrous Speed. Sanders and the rest of his crew had already strapped themselves in tightly. Spaceballs I surged ahead at such an alarming speed that the crew was pressed against the chairs. Helmet was holding onto the railing, his body lifted off the ground as he fought against the tug of Ludicrous Speed. The star scape went from pint points to a wide array of color checkered across in box-like shapes.

    Spaceballs I then proceeded to overshoot the Winnebago entirely.

    "We passed them. Stop this thing!" Helmet hollered.

    Col. Sanders blubbered, "We can't stop, it's too dangerous. We have to slow down first."

    "B******…Just stop this thing. I order you. STOP!" Helmet shouted back against the immense pressure.

    Sanders then reached down to pull a lever by his chair labeled "Emergency stop, never use".As soon as he had
    done so, the ship reverted back to normal space—and Helmet was sent flying toward the front of the ship, his helmet crashing against a row of computer terminals.

    Sanders, seeing Helmet's predicament, hurriedly unbuckled his restraints and rushed to aid the man. He along with two Spaceballs helped Helmet to his feet. He dusted Dark Helmet off, commenting on how lucky it was that Helmet was wearing his…helmet.

    Han jabbed a finger in his nephew's direction. "If you laugh at that I swear I will kick your butt."

    "Wouldn't dream of it." Ben responded with a small smirk.

    His mother shot him a glare. "Ben, don't even think of it."

    The boy's face fell. "Yes, Mom." It wasn't funny anyway. He thought bitterly.
    The scene switched back to interior of the Winnebago. They had evaded the Spaceballs; their enemies overshooting them. Lone Starr instructed Barf to take the Winnebago out of hyperactive then set a course for Druidia.

    Apparently the Spaceballs were ahead of them by a week in a half. It looked like they would make it. Or not.

    The Winnebago began to shake uncontrollably. Apparently they'd burned up all their…gas in hyperactive which the crew assumed was coolant. Lone Starr didn't have enough power to get the princess back to Druidia and his ship was bottoming out fast on him.

    Lone Starr switched on the intercom to check on his passengers. "Keep your seat belts fastened back there. You okay, Princess?"
    Cut to the back of the Winnebago. Vespa and Dot were being jostled around due to the sudden nose dive the Winnebago was being sent into.

    "No, you idiot!" Vespa shouted. "Where'd you learn how to fly!?"
    Lone Starr seemed to ignore her outburst. "Okay, Eagle 5, coming in."He announced.

    He pushed the helm and piloted the ship in the direction of a sandy-colored planet bellow them. The Winnebago reached planetary atmosphere and the next scene was of the transport plowing (literally) into the sand planet's surface. Sand was thrown everywhere as Eagle 5 buried its front end in the sand.

    Ben smirked.

    "Ben…" His mother warned.

    "Does have a striking resemblance doesn't it, Cousin?" Anakin chirped.

    "….called me an idiot?" Lone Starr was saying. "I'm going to go back there and explain a few things to her."

    Dot: "…besides he's got a sexy voice. He might be cute."

    Barf objected, "Yeah, but you don't know what she looks like."

    Lone Starr looked put off. "I know what she looks like. You've seen one princess, you've seen 'em all."

    Vespa looked aghast. "Cute? I know these space bums. They're all alike. Fat, ugly.."

    Lone Starr: "Buck-toothed, knock-kneed…"

    Vespa stormed out. "…beer-swilling pigs."

    Lone Starr unbuckled his restraints, shouting, "….horse-faced, space dogs." and got up to go to the back.

    The two stormed into the middle of the Eagle 5, locking gazes on eachother for the first time. It was clear both of them were startled by the other's appearance: it was not what they had expected.

    "Whose the space bum now, Sweetheart?" Han said with grin.

    "Now, listen you!" Vespa yelled.

    Leia gave a sideways glance at her husband. "I think the "beer-swilling pig" owes the princess an apology."

    "You listen. On this ship you are to refer to me as idiot, not you captain. I mean, you know what I mean?"

    "Ouch," Luke muttered.

    "And you will not call me you. You will never address me as "you"…".

    "Did you say something, Shorty?" Han smirked. "I haven't seen your carcass yet."

    Mara chided, "Now, now, Children."

    "…you will call me your Royal Highness.


    "You are a royal pain in the…"

    Barf cut in at the moment. "Whoa, hold it. Time." He objected.

    "What!?"Vespa and Lone Starr snapped.

    "May I make a small suggestion? Any minute now, the Spaceballs.."

    "Empire." Anakin piped up.

    " gonna make a major U-turn, head back this way, and make us all dead."

    He caught his family staring at him. "You were thinking it too, so don't give me that look."

    Vespa: "Wait, my things."

    Lone Starr jabbed a finger at her. "Now, listen, you royal..."

    Barf made a warning sound.

    "..Highness. Take only what you need to survive."
    The next moment found the Lone Starr, Barf, Vespa, and Dot ambling across the sands of the planet. Vespa appeared to have gotten her way; her luggage being toted around—mostly by Lone Starr and his co-pilot, Barf. A large trunk was hanging between them.

    The Princess had no items except a parasol in hand and a small bag. Everyone was Vespa's servant apparently.
    Lone Starr had obviously become disgusted by the weight of the trunk. "All right, wait a minute, Barf, put it down." Lone Starr instructed. "What the hell's in this thing?"

    This statement brought about the extended version of the spoiled princess; which included, screaming, pompous, self-centeredness, vanity, and superiority. Vespa had brought along a hair dryer (vanity), to which Lone Starr refused to carry along. This resulted in the princess screaming and calling him an "insolent peasant" (pompous and superiority). Lone Starr ended the tirade with claiming the exact opposite what would have said in these instances.

    " are ugly when you're angry."

    But, through an intervention from Barf once more, the party continued on hoping to find a place to rest for the night. In the end, the dryer was left behind.

    "Wait, I'm confused" Han said. "If the hair dryer was what was making the trunk heavy…why are they still carrying it? I mean it's no longer in there."

    "That's the joke." Anakin informed.

    Han started to mutter, "So, they're basically saying I'm an idiot."
    Once more, back aboard Spaceballs I, the Skywalkers and Solos watched as three figures hovered around a computer terminal, watching the blips on the black and green monitor.

    Helmet stood behind a man seated in front of the terminal with Col. Sanders to his right.

    "Have you found them yet?" He asked.

    "No, Lord Helmet." The man answered. "They're still not on the scanners."

    "Well, keep looking for them." He brought up a cup of steaming caf and began to drink it through his vent.

    Ben snorted with laughter, rolling over to laugh into his mother's shoulder.

    He's lost it. Mara thought.

    Col. Sanders suddenly gave an enlightened look. "Pardon me, Sir. I have an idea. Corporal, get me a copy of Spaceballs: The Holo."

    Another snort from the red-headed youth—it was starting to get old.

    "Yes, Sir." The corporal got up and went over to a rack with data discs.

    "Solo, did you slip my kid something?" Mara asked snarkily. "He's acting more ridiculous than usual."

    "Colonel Sanders, may I speak with you, please?" Helmet implored.

    "Yes, Sir."

    "Take that up with Luke."

    Helmet slid up his face mask. "How can there be a disc of Spaceballs: The Holo. We're still in the middle of making it?"

    The Colonel began to explain the process of how this was so. Apparently it was brand new technology that allowed the holo to be out while it was still being filmed.

    "Kinda like a direct feed." Ben muttered.

    The corporal came up with the disc. "Here it is, Sir. Spaceballs."

    Sanders nodded. "Very good, Corporal. Punch it up."

    The man inserted the disc into the terminal and started the holo.

    "Started too early." Sanders commented. "Prepare to fast forward."

    "Preparing to fast-forward."


    "Fast-forwarding, Sir."

    "This is definitely….strange." Luke commented as he watched the image of the screen.

    It was fast-forwarding over what had already happened previously in the holo.

    Leia spoke up, "Another fourth wall joke, I assume."

    "Pretty much." Anakin and Jacen concurred.

    "..n-n-n-n-no. Go past this part, past this part" Helmet said, looking nervous. "In fact never play this again." It was the scene where he had humiliated himself by implementing Ludicrous Speed."

    Even Luke had to let out a bark of laughter at this.

    "Awww," Han said mockingly. "Does Darth Dufus not want to look like an idiot?"

    "Too late." Jaina piped up. "He's already made himself look like a fool once, what can the second time do?"

    "Ah!" Ben said. "So she speaks."

    Jaina rolled her eyes.

    Just then, the corporal stopped the holo to reveal a shocking sight. Dark Helmet, Col. Sanders and the coporal were all on the screen, just like in the holo itself!

    The two took turns looking toward the screen, then back at the holocam. Helmet waved his hand confused as the Skywalker-Solo clan felt.

    "What the hell am I looking at?" Helmet inquired. "When does this happen in the holo?"

    Han muttered, "That's what we'd like to know."

    "Here it comes." Anakin murmured.

    "Now. You're looking at now, Sir. Everything that happens now, is happening now."

    "What happened to the?"

    "We passed then."


    "Just now."

    "We're at now now."


    "Go back to then."





    "I can't."


    "We missed it."

    Mara could feel a migraine coming on; she prayed this would end soon.


    "Just now?"

    "When will then be now?"


    "How soon?"

    The corporal spoke up then, "Sir."


    An image on the screen of the crew of the Eagle 5 tramping across the desert.

    "We've identified their location."

    "Where?" Helmet asked.

    "It's the Moon of Vega."

    Col. Sanders congratulated him, "Good work. Set a course, and prepare for our arrival."

    Helmet was being totally ignored.


    "1900 hours." The corporal responded.

    Sanders was obviously very equally enthused. "At high-noon, tomorrow, they will be our prisoners."

    Helmet couldn't take it any longer. "WHOOOOOOOO?" He shouted as the face mask slid down.
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  7. CmdrMitthrawnuruodo

    CmdrMitthrawnuruodo Force Ghost star 6

    Jul 1, 2000

    What happened to the line "We've gone plaid!"?
  8. EmeraldJediFire

    EmeraldJediFire Jedi Master star 4

    Feb 23, 2012
    Unfortunately some lines I decided to not put in there because to the Star Wars culture it would seem to..out of the box. And to me it didn't make sense to put it in there. Sorry.

    And sometimes I didn't feel it... necessary. Sorry once again.
  9. EmeraldJediFire

    EmeraldJediFire Jedi Master star 4

    Feb 23, 2012
    @CmdrMitthrawnuruodo I'm glad you're enjoying this. In this chapter, the Skywalker/Solo clan will finally meet Yogurt!

    Notes: After this, I have two more pre-written chapters...I will continue this story till the end of the "holo", but I will warn you ahead of time. Its more difficult to write this one so I usually only write a chapter for this story once a month. I might decide to write another chapter this month...but we'll see.

    Moon of Vega; Somewhere in the Desert
    The setting is now night. The crew of the Eagle 5 sat huddled around a campfire in the middle of the vast desert. The droid, Dot is in powered off in "sleep mode" as advertised by the bright words on her chest.

    The snobby up-tight princess was shivering despite the fire. Lone Starr offered his jacket to Vespa but was quickly rebuffed.

    "No, thank you..." She responded. "I'm perfectly all right."

    "Sounds familiar." Han drawled.

    Lone Starr ignored her protest and draped it over her. "Take it. It's freezing."

    "As I recall, it had nothing to do with a jacket." Leia said. "And everything to do with your unwanted help."

    "….be cold?" Vespa asked.

    "Nah, cold never bothers me." Lone Starr answered.

    He shivered still.

    After that started more exposition; Lone Starr never knew where he was from, no world he could call his own. He was left on the doorstep of a monastery where the monks took a vow of silence.

    "All I got was this." Lone Starr said and pulled a medallion from his shirt. "It was around my neck."

    Vespa leaned in and took hold of it. "What is it?"

    "I don't know. I've taken it to every wise man in the galaxy. No one can tell me what it means."

    "It's beautiful…You know I…" She stopped, realizing how close she was to him. "It's beautiful."

    "Woa-ho-ho." Han chuckled

    Lone Starr put the medallion away and attempted to ease the tension that obviously forming between them. "So how come you ran away from your wedding?"

    "Well, if you must know I wasn't in love with the groom."

    "So why were you gonna marry him?"

    "Because I'm a princess and I have to marry a prince."

    "Wrong." Han said.

    Leia retorted, "Almost did happen though."

    "No mentioning Isolder."

    Mara grinned. "Solo, I thought you and Isolder were friends now."

    "Not true."

    "I know, now, I must live without love." Vespa was saying.

    "I guess so."

    The sexual tension was heating up between them.

    "Besides, love isn't that important."

    "Nah, never was."

    "I could be perfectly happy the rest of my life without love."

    "Sure you could."

    "I think I'm going to be sick." Ben said, squirming.

    Vespa moved closer to Lone Starr. "Without physical contact."


    "Definitely sick."

    Anakin squirmed slightly, despite his age. Jaina and Jacen coughed simultaneously, trying to play off their own discomfort.

    Leia shook her head while Han grinned.

    "Without being held." Closer.

    "Yeah." He moved closer now.

    "Make it stop." Ben groaned then glared at Anakin accusingly. "You knew about this."

    "Hardly a picnic for me either."

    "Or kissed."

    Suddenly, an alarm went off, almost like the type used on ships. Dot straightened up coming out a sleep mode, the words Virgin Alarm now flashed on her chest.

    Barf was screaming something about evacuating the ship.

    Dot got in between Vespa and Lone Starr who were on the verge of kissing.

    "We'll have none of that, mister." She said to Lone Starr then turned to Vespa. "How far did he get? What'd he touch? What'd he touch?"

    "Nothing happened." Vespa denied.

    Lone Starr looked at her and asked irritatedly, "What the hell was that noise?"

    "That was my Virgin Alarm."


    "…It's programmed to go off…before you do. "

    Luke was covering his mouth, trying to suppress and grin that was spreading across his face. His wife elbowed him. "I saw that, Farmboy."

    "You back to bed, miss. And as for you, sex-fiend..."

    Lone Starr quickly gave in, suggesting they all go to bed, because they would have to get up early. When Barf inquired why, he replied:

    "Because we're in the middle of a desert…"

    Luke nodded knowingly.

    "…and we're not gonna get far once that blazing sun gets overhead."

    The screen then faded from pitch black to the blazing sun mentioned before.

    "Nice dissolve." Barf commented.

    It was another Fourth Wall joke.

    Vespa, Lone Starr, Dot and Barf were now trekking across the desert, bedraggled.

    "Water, water." Lone Starr breathed heavily.

    Barf panted, his tongue hanging out: "Water."

    "Oil, oil…" Dot beseeched.

    Ben chuckled.

    "Room service, rooms service..." Vespa seemed to plead.

    "Well, we know where her priorities are." Mara quipped.

    The next scene showed an even more disheveled group, barely hanging on under the blazing son. Lone Starr now carried Princess Vespa in his arms.
    Barf was complaining. Lone Starr assured him they had only one more dune to go.

    "Nope. That's what you said three dunes ago. I got no more left. Oh, waiter. Check please…" He then collapsed in the sand.

    "Must go on. Must go on. Must go on. Who am I kidding?" He dropped to his knees and let go of an unconscious Vespa then fell himself.

    Just then the scene switched, short beings dressed in glittering golden robes. They sang as they tramped across the sand dunes.
    "Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink…"

    "What are those?" Mara said, wrinkling her brow.

    "Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink…"

    Leia said, "I think they're…supposed to be…jawas."

    Luke turned away, burying his face in Mara's shoulder as he started to laugh uncontrollably. "Jawas..."

    Mara rolled her eyes. "It's not that funny, Farmboy."

    The 'Jawas' raced down the dune and went about seeing to the sun-stroked heroes; giving water to the humans and Mog and oil to the droid.
    After this the 'Jawas'—or Dinks—and the crew of Eagle 5 set off once more across the desert. The Dinks/Jawas singing their simple tune:
    "Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink…"
    Col Sanders and Helmet were out overseeing the patrolling of the desert on Vega. Helmet was dressed in tan colors which baffled most of the Skywalker/Solo clan.

    "I don't get it." Han mumbled. "Is that supposed to be funny?"

    "Correct," Jacen said. "Because Dark Helmet is such an overwhelming figure, dressing in common desert gear would be comical."

    "No one dresses like that in the desert." Luke protested. "At least, not where I'm from."

    "….Yes, Sir. Driver, prepare to move out." Col Sanders issued.

    "What are you preparing for?" Helmet objected. "You're always preparing. Just go."

    Col.: "Just go."

    Driver: "Yes, Sir."

    The colonel turns to Helmet. "Sir, shouldn't you sit down."

    What happened next earned laughs all around from the entire family. Chewie woofed softly at Helmet being brown back into his seat as the speeder lurched forward.
    The crew followed the Dinks across the desert until they came upon a portal buried in a sand dune. The dune appeared to be an entrance to an underground cavern. They followed the Dinks down into the lower chambers, coming upon what appeared to be massive underground temple.

    "Look like the Temple of Doom." Barf commented.

    Dot cocked her head to the side. "Sure aint't the Temple of Bethisreal."

    The references went non-understood by the family. They simply shrugged their shoulders, deeming it unimportant.

    The four continued through the ominous cavern. Suddenly smoke emitted from the ears of a giant statue that looked oddly familiar to Luke.

    "I think we woke it up!" Barf exclaimed.

    Dot turned to leave. "Good bye, folks. Let me know how it turns out. "

    But her companions wouldn't let her leaving, reining her back in.

    Han drawled, "Gee, reminds me of someone."

    Leia elbowed him.

    They resumed watching the holo as the group of travelers continued its trek toward the giant statue that belched some from its ears and whose eyes burned red. There was nervous talk amongst them about what horror that waited them. Barf suggested they go, more talking ensued.

    "SILENCE!" A voice boomed. "Who dares enter the sacred and awesome presence of the everlasting know-it all, Yogurt!?"

    "Yogurt." They gasped in unison.

    "Oh no." Luke deadpanned.

    Suddenly, a door slid open between the feet of the giant statute and a diminutive creature walked out, a walking stick clutch in one hand. He stopped short.

    "Ya heard of me?" He asked, in a strange accident.

    "Heard of you?" Lone Starr exclaimed. "Who hasn't heard of Yogurt?"

    "Yogurt the Wise." Vespa intoned.

    "Yogurt the all Powerful!" Dot proclaimed, lifting her arms.

    "Yogurt the Magnificent." Barf finished.

    Luke was shaking his head, while his best-friend was grinning widely and chuckling loudly.

    "Please, please. Don't make a fuss. I'm just plain Yogurt."

    Ben snickered; apparently getting the joke. His family chose to ignore him. Except Jacen. His cousin reached over and smacked him in the back of the head. "Pay attention. This is the good part."

    Yogurt/Yoda was saying, "Yes, I am the keeper of a greater magic…The power known throughout the universe as…"

    Barf interrupted, "The Force!"

    The three male cousins cracked up at this.

    "No," Yogurt corrected. "The Schwartz."

    "The Schwartz." They mimicked.

    Luke frowned. "Wait a second."

    "So you finally caught on, Uncle Luke?" Anakin said.

    "No, this has to be some mistake." Luke denied.

    The three younger men shrugged.

    The next minutes of the holo were spent on another Fourth Wall joke about merchandise being sold. Including a pull-toy doll of Yogurt himself.

    Spaceballs City
    The next scene zeroed in on a great capital building, then switched over to the bed of President Skroob himself. There were two blondes in the bed—and there seemed to be a lot to be going on under those covers…

    Suddenly the wall monitor flickered on, revealing the previous woman.

    "President Skroob!" The woman announced.

    President Skroob popped out of the covers, two blondes ducking bellow. "Yes! What is it!?"

    "I've got a message from Lord Helmet." She replied. "He's lost the Princess."


    "Somewhere in the sands of Vega."

    "Tell him to comb the desert, do you hear me! Comb the desert!"

    "Yes, Sir!"
    Desert of Vega
    They were once more on the moon of Vega. The Spaceballs troops were busy actually combing the desert, with actual combs. Large combs.
    Col. Sanders turned to Helmet. "Sir?"

    Helmet replied, "What?" a voice amplification device lifted up to his mouth.

    "Are we being too literal?"

    "No, you idiot! We were told to comb the desert, so we're combing it." Helmet turned to the men and lowered the device.

    "Found anything yet?"

    "Nothing yet, Sir." One trooper answered.

    "How about you?"

    "Not a thing, Sir."

    "What about you guys?"

    The trooper he shouted to held a mini-comb.

    "We ain't found shavit!"

    Temple of Yogurt
    Lone Starr and Yogurt were standing before the giant statue. Lone Starr held the medallion in his hand, staring at the inscription as he showed it to Yogurt.

    "It's a big mystery." He said. "None of the wise men can tell me what it means."

    Yogurt made a dismissive sound. "Wise men. Wise guys, you mean. What do they know? Here let me take a look. "Lone Starr passed it to him. Yogurt then seemed to be translating it.

    "I definitely have a bad feeling about this." Luke said, frowning.

    "You can read it?" Lone Starr asked eagerly.

    "No," Yogurt denied. "I was just clearing my throat."

    Chuckles all around, except from Luke.

    "Here, let me look at this. Ohhh, yes. Yes, yes, yes. Of course!"

    "Really bad."

    "You understand it?" Lone Starr asked.


    "What's it say?"

    "I cannot tell you that now. It will be revealed to you at the proper time." He handed the medallion back.


    "I cannot believe that!" Luke said, sounding stunned. "They completely cut me out all together!"
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  10. CmdrMitthrawnuruodo

    CmdrMitthrawnuruodo Force Ghost star 6

    Jul 1, 2000

    No! They just melded you with Han, which gives a whole new twist to "kissing your sister" :p
    JediFalcon and EmeraldJediFire like this.
  11. EmeraldJediFire

    EmeraldJediFire Jedi Master star 4

    Feb 23, 2012
    Well, in Luke's defense Lone Starr character is more Han than looks like Luke's part is an after oh woudln't think be cool.
  12. EmeraldJediFire

    EmeraldJediFire Jedi Master star 4

    Feb 23, 2012
    @CmdrMitthrawnuruodo, sorry for this taking so long. This isn't the easiest one to I tend to procrastinate with it lol. Also, intelligent me forgot to post a chapter here, so you'll have another one coming up soon after this one...cause I just got through writing the latest one.The good news is...we're almost done. I'm afraid I can't given an exact answer of what chapter it might end at...I believe this is chapter 5 and the next one will be chapter 6.

    Once again I apologize. I feel like an idiot for forgetting about it, here it is april (facepalm) Well, enjoy!

    Luke sat there, still stunned after the realization fell over him. He was never one to quibble over something so petty, but the reality insulted him beyond comprehension. Mara waved her hand in front of his eyes.

    "Uh, hello," She murmured. "Planetary Control to Farmboy."

    "What?" Luke said, suddenly.

    "You were out of it for a bit."

    The Jedi Master realized he'd spaced out and looked around at his family. "I'm sorry." He mumbled. "What'd I miss?"

    "Nothing," Anakin said. "While you spaced out it went to commercial."

    "Oh, all right." Luke let out a breath. "Sorry."

    Mara rubbed his back. "It's all right."

    "Just took me by surprise." He began to chew the inside of his cheek anxiously. "How could they do that?" He muttered, getting back on track to the matter at
    hand. "That's just…unconscionable."

    "Luke..." Leia murmured. "It's only a holo."

    "I know… It just took me by surprise." He repeated. "I'm fine I promise." He got up. "I'm going to go get something to drink..." He walked off muttering something akin to: "They cut me out."

    Anakin raised a brow as he watched his uncle retreat into the kitchen.

    "I didn't think he'd be that irked by it."

    "Yeah," Mara murmured. "That's not like him."

    Her husband wasn't egotistical. Not at all. He'd never been one to glorify his notoriety; in fact he did his best to avoid it. He avoided paparazzi, general media and everything in between. He stayed out of the limelight as much as possible. There were very few holos of him and he granted very few interviews.
    He once explained that what people thought and said; it didn't change who he was. (1) So why bother?

    "I'll go check on him." Mara then got up and followed her husband.

    She found him standing by the counter and nursing a glass of blue milk. Strange; he absolutely hated the stuff. Their son loved it, but he did not. Then again having it served to you for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for nineteen years would do that to you she supposed.

    "Blue milk?" She said, eyeing it.

    He chuckled. "Yeah, it's funny I had a taste for it." Luke swirled the glass. "Puts things in perspective."

    "Blue milk puts things in perspective?" Mara sounded doubtful.

    "Yeah, like back in the day when I was just some farm kid from Tatooine who nobody cared about. When you look at it that way, blue milk represents the side of me that never cared about what people thought…the humbler side. That's who I am." He lifted the glass. " Kessel what they do in a holo."

    Mara smiled.

    Luke finished the rest of the blue milk and said, "Let's go back out, I think I hear the holo starting again."

    His wife smirked. "If you think you can handle it."

    "Mara, I'm a Grand Master." He said in mock seriousness. "I can handle anything."

    "Well said."

    The Skywalkers entered the living room and took their seats.

    "So what's going on?" Luke asked, focusing on the holo.

    Ben informed. "Yogurt is instructing Lone Starr how to use the Schwartz."

    "I can't believe it." Lone Starr said. "The Schwartz, it's working."

    "That is why you fail." Anakin quipped.

    Luke rolled his eyes.

    Ben continued: "He puts on this ring and suddenly he can use the Schwartz. Apparently you can be some schmuck and use the Schwartz as long as you have the ring."

    "HEY!" His uncle said, sounding offended.

    Ben gave an apologetic look. "Sorry, Uncle Han, I was referring to Lone Starr not you."

    "Somehow I don't see the difference." Han muttered.

    Luke was grinning; all the while Yogurt was using the ring to maneuver the statue Lone Starr had been levitating off of Barf's flattened foot.

    "What's got you so chipper?" Han asked, catching Luke's grin. "I thought you were all sore over the whole Schwartz thing."

    "At the moment…you." His eyes sparkled in merriment.

    "Well, you sure change your tune quick."

    Barf had ceased his howling. He was now looking at Lone Starr accusatorily and limping off, growling and whimpering as he did.

    "Sorry, Barf." Lone Starr apologized.
    Desert of Vega; Outside Yogurt's Secret Temple
    Helmet and Sanders and his troops were standing outside a familiar looking dune; that unbeknownst to them was the home of Yogurt.
    "Keep searching." Sanders said then turned to Dark Helmet. "It's no use, Sir, we've searched everywhere."

    "It's right there!" Ben said irately. "Are they stupid?"

    Helmet walked around then suddenly stopped, sliding the mask up. "Wait. I feel the presence of the Schwartz."

    "The Schwartz?" Sanders sounded interested.

    "Yes, it's coming…" He pulled out his own ring and slipped it on.

    Sanders hurriedly back away as if afraid what Helmet had planned; it hadn't gone unnoticed that he moved his hand to his crotch area.

    "From somewhere down….there." Helmet pointed to a certain spot on the dune.

    Colonel Sanders quickly crossed over to it and began brushing the sand off of it. You're right, Sir. There's a secret entrance here. And look at this insignia; it's a Y."

    "Secret base and he puts his initial on it." Han muttered skeptically.

    Luke waved him off.

    Mara leaned over. "I agree," She whispered. "Stupid."

    Helmet suddenly looked cross then started to jump up and down like a kid throwing a tantrum.

    "Yogurt, Yogurt. I hate Yogurt…even with berries."

    Ben cracked up at this and Anakin couldn't help but smile. Mara could see her husband's lip twitch.

    "Don't encourage them." She scolded

    He opened his eyes as if to say who me.

    "…no, we can't go in there. Yogurt has the Schwartz. It's far too powerful." Helmet said.

    Mara asked, clearly confused. "Wait. Doesn't he have the Schwartz though?"

    "But, Sir," Sanders protested just as confused. "Your ring. Aren't you with the Schwartz too?"

    "That's what we'd like to know." Han said, looking at Mara.

    Helmet twisted his ring at this. "No, he got the upside. I got the downside. See there's two sides to every Schwarz."

    "So the downside makes him….less capable of confronting Yogurt?" Leia was now the one who was confused. "That…makes no sense."

    Helmet went onto explain that the Princess Vespa would come to them since they could not go into Yogurt's Temple to get her since the possibility of facing Yogurt himself was too great.
    Inside the Yogurt's Temple
    It appeared to be much later; Vespa was sleeping for the night, her droid, Dot powered down with SLEEP MODE emblazoned across a screen. Suddenly the voice of Roland, Vespa's father and King of Druidia called out to her:
    "Vespa, Vespa my child. Where are you?"

    "You've got to be kidding me." Mara muttered.

    Vespa woke up, searching for her father. "Daddy?"

    Jaina furrowed her brow. "Is this heading where I think it is?"

    "Vespa, it's your father, King Roland. Come to me."

    "Would it be obvious that it wasn't her father?" Jaina spoke once more. "He doesn't seem like the kind of person that would refer to himself as the king when speaking to his daughter."

    However, Vespa was apparently dumb as a bag of bricks. "Daddy, Daddy, I hear you. I hear you. Where are you?" Vespa got up and walked toward the exit, still entranced by her father's voice.

    "I am not that dumb!" Leia snorted.

    Luke raised an eyebrow, amused with his twin's reaction.

    Vespa stumbled up the stairs. Dot noticing this followed Vespa, frightened by her mistress' behavior. Vespa exited the Temple and spotted her father standing several feet away from the entrance. Still under the illusion cast, Vespa stumbled toward her father.

    "Daddy, is it really you?"

    "Yes, my dear. I guarantee it. Would I lie?"

    "Liar." Leia muttered.

    "Yes." Ben said. "Why would a father say I guarantee it?"

    Suddenly, as expected Roland façade melted away to Dark Helmet.

    "See!" Ben gestured.

    Vespa obviously startled by her father's vision being replaced by Helmet, fainted dead away. Helmet caught the princess.

    "Fooled you." Helmet said in comical voice. Dot was then dealt with and Helmet turned to Sanders. "Take them both aboard and put the princess in my quarters."

    Color drained from Ben's face. "Uh….why?"

    "I've got a bad feeling about this." Mara murmured causing the rest of the family to look at her.
    Inside the Temple
    The Dinks were making a big face, talking animatedly to Yogurt. Barf and Lone Starr came on screen. Lone Starr turned to Yogurt confused.

    "What are they saying?" He asked.

    Yogurt responded, "They've taken the princess."

    "Can we have another commercial break?" Ben asked, clearly Helmet's words made him uneasy. He looked to his cousins accusatorily. "Jacen...Anakin...did you know about this?"

    "Actually..." Jacen looked uncertain.

    "We never finished it." Anakin informed.

    "Well, then…" Han cleared his throat. "All in favor of turning it off…"

    "NO!" Anakin and Jacen shouted.

    "What?" Their mother raised a brow. "Why not?"

    "We never finished it all the way." Anakin explained. "But we did see the end; we missed this part it seems."

    During all this talk, the holo had been totally ignored with much debate going on whether they were going to keep on watching this. It could be just a momentary
    scene that they were blowing out of proportion though.

    "Goodbye, Lone Starr."

    "Goodbye, Yogurt." Lone Starr reached out to clasp Yogurt's hand, and when he withdrew it he found something in his palm. "The ring of the Schwartz." He said
    astounded. "No, I can't take this."

    Yogurt insisted: "Take it. Take it. You might need it."

    Lone Starr thanked Yogurt and said farewell to the Dinks. He and Barf then boarded the Eagle 5 and blasted off to save the princess once more.
    Spaceballs I; Inside Helmet's Quarters
    And that's where things went black; literally

    The screen became a blanket of darkness.

    "Aw, geez, the HoloNet went out again." Han groaned and walked over to it. He glared at it and hit the screen as if that would help.

    "Han, don't!" Leia admonished. "That's doesn't help you know that."

    "It might." He reasoned.

    "Well, this sucks." Anakin said, sounding miserable. "Again we're missing certain parts."

    Ben couldn't help but feel relieved at the fact that the HoloNet went out. Somehow he felt that they had missed something that they wouldn't miss at all. Thank you, he offered up a silent prayer.

    "Han, come sit down before you break it!"

    "Not until..." He hit the screen once more.

    The picture then came back on.

    "Knock on my door!" Helmet hollered. "Knock next time!"

    "Yes, Sir." Col Sanders snapped, hanging inside Helmet's quarters.

    "Did you see anything?" Helmet asked, apparently shielding something.

    "No, Sir," Sanders denied. "I didn't see you playing with your dolls again." He then retreated, slamming the door.


    Helmet sat their looking relieved, then seemed to comprehend Sanders' words.
    Spaceball's City
    The next scene was quite tasteless in Leia's opinion. It had been filmed in a refresher in which the President of the Spaceballs was….relieving himself.

    Suddenly, an image flashed on the wall before him. It was the Space Commaderette.

    "President Skroob!"

    Skroob seemed startled as one would if someone suddenly intruded upon one's private time.

    "Ah! I told you never to call me on this wall!" Skroob admonished. "It's an unlisted wall."

    "I'm sorry, Sir, but it's very urgent. Princess Vespa has just been brought to your office, and Lord Helmet and Col. Sanders are awaiting you there."

    "All right, all right. Tell me I'll be right there."
    President Skroob's Office
    A small group stood in President Skroob's office; Helmet, Col. Sanders, a surgeon, a nurse and some random guy in the background. Vespa was strapped to a metal-type table.

    "Helmet, you fiend!" King Roland hollered. "What's going on? What have you done to my daughter?" He was broadcasting from a viewscreen.
    Helmet stepped forward, approaching ir. "Permit me to introduce the brilliant young plastic surgeon, Dr. Philip Schlotkins. The greatest nose job man in the entire universe—and Beverly Hills."

    "Nose job? I don't understand." Rolland sounded confused. "She's already had a nose job. It was a sweet sixteen present."

    "You can't be serious." Leia muttered disgruntled. "Are we really playing the Vespa is a narcissistic princess card again?"

    "..if you do not give me the combination to the airsheild, Dr. Schlotkins will give your daughter back….her old nose."

    A picture was brought up, a side view of Vespa with a large crooked ugly-looking nose.

    "Nooooooooo!" Vespa hollered in distress. "Where'd you get that?

    "All right, I'll tell I'll tell."

    "No, Daddy you mustn't!" Vespa beseeched.

    "You're right…I will miss your new nose, but I will not tell them no matter what."

    Helmet turned to the surgeon. "Very well. Dr. Schlotkins, do your worst." He said in a menacing tone.

    Then the doctor pulled out two large surgical instruments that the crew could swear were butcher knives.

    "Well, that's not standard medical procedure." Ben muttered as Dr. Schlotkins brought them up to Vespa's nose.

    The table was tilted and Vespa seeing the knives coming at her fainted dead away; yet AGAIN!

    Roland cracked once more, obviously more concerned with his daughter's new nose then the protection of Druidia. Helmet seemed triumphant and instructed Roland to give them the combination.

    "Ridiculous." Leia muttered once more.

    Sanders had a pad in his hand, ready to write down the combination.

    "The combination is…" Roland hesitated. "One.

    Dark Helmet: "One."

    Sanders: "One"






    "Is this going where I think it is?" Mara asked.








    Yes, it had indeed gone there.

    Helmet spoke, "So the combination is 1, 2, 3, 4, 5." He slid the mask up. "That's the stupidest combination I ever heard in my life. That's the thing an idiot would have on his luggage!"
    Side note: (1) This line is taken from Luke Skywalker and the Shadows of Mindor.
  13. CmdrMitthrawnuruodo

    CmdrMitthrawnuruodo Force Ghost star 6

    Jul 1, 2000
    *cracks up*

    It was worth the wait :)

    Tapatalk Signature
    Use the light switch, Luke. Trust your feelings!
  14. EmeraldJediFire

    EmeraldJediFire Jedi Master star 4

    Feb 23, 2012
    Very glad to hear. I'll post the most recent chapter in a few days.
  15. EmeraldJediFire

    EmeraldJediFire Jedi Master star 4

    Feb 23, 2012
    Well CmdrMitthrawnuruodo, I hope it was worth the wait again, because I FINALLY have brought you the next chapter to the Parody. In fact, numbskull me forgot I had promised you the next chapter a month you'll receive two posts for the price of one! yay! I'll be posting them back to back
    "Thank you, Your Highness!' Colonel Sanders shouted, took out a device from his pocket, and pressed a button.
    Suddenly the screen went blank.
    "What the-." Han muttered.
    "It's part of the holo," Jacen assured.
    Dark Helmet then shouted: "What did you do?"
    "I turned off the wall." Sanders replied.
    "No you didn't. You turned off the whole holo."
    "I must've pressed the wrong button." He hurriedly explained.
    Helmet demanded, "Well turn it back on! Put the holo back on!"
    "Yes, sir. Yes, sir."
    The skit ended with the screen coming back on and the doctor and the nurse locked in a passionate embrace in the background. Helmet turned and seeing them yelled at Schlotkins; informing him that they were through with his service. The doctor left in a huff, the nurse and another man following behind.
    President Skroob entered a second later.
    "Well, did it work?" Skroob inquired. "Where's the king?"
    Helmet turned to him. "It worked, Sir. We have the combination."
    "Great Now we can take every last breath of fresh air from planet Druidia. What's the combination?" He punctuated this statement by jabbing his index finger into the air several times.
    "One, two, three four, five." Sanders announced eagerly.
    "One, two, three, four, five?!"
    "Oh this oughta be good." Ben said, a grin spreading across his face.
    "That's amazing I've got the same combination on my luggage." Helmet and Sanders shared incredulous glances. "Prepare Spaceball I for immediate departure."
    This time, the whole Skywalker/Solo family shared an equal amount of laughs at the blatant insinuation.
    Mara gave a feline-like smile. "Well, we know who's the idiot now?"
    Sanders: "Yes, sir!"
    The three then turned to leave the room with Skroob at the forefront.
    "And changed the combination on my luggage!"
    Helmet was the last to leave but the door unfortunately closed on him.
    Han busted out laughing, enjoying Helmet's predicament to the fullest. "Darth Dufus strikes again!" He crowed.

    Somwhere in Space (Eagle Five)/Spaceballs City

    The Eagle 5 appeared on the screening flying through space, the heroic score playing over it.
    "There it is!" Barf pointed out. "Spaceballs City straight ahead."
    "Good, I'm takin' her in." Lone Starred pressed forward, taking Eagle 5 planeside
    They arrived on the planet outside prison complex, much to the annoyance of the two guards.
    "What is that? one guard asked.
    "Look like a Winnebago with wings." The other answered.
    The tall guard shouted, "Hey, you can't park here!"
    "Yeah," The rotund guard interjected. "Can't you guys read: no parking."
    Han snorted. "What are they? Some sort of kriffin' parking attendants?"
    "Prison guards," Anakin corrected.
    "Might as well be parking attendants." Ben agreed.
    The door the Eagle 5 swung open and Barf emerged. The Mog gave the two guards an offensive gesture, making kissy sounds all the while.
    Tall muttered, "That son of..." as he readied his rifle.
    The two guards chased the Mog to the door of his ship.
    "All right, hands up." Tall said. "You're under arrest for illegal parking."
    "Yeah!" Rotund added ineffectually.
    "See parking attendants." Han inserted.
    The two guards entered the Eagle 5 and it then began to rock back and forth as the four beings obviously began to scuffle with one another. Barf and Lone
    Starr emerged seconds later dress in the guards uniforms; the Mog had his tail overtly sticking out of his suit. Lone Starr approached the door and extracted a large key from off of his uniform which he used to unlock it.
    Ben snickered at the sight of this; the boy really did have a lame sense of humor.
    He and Barf made their way surreptitiously inside. Upon seeing others guard, they flattened themselves against opposite walls to make room. When the guard passed they continued on their way and as Barf turned the far off corner, the guard caught a brief glimpse of his tail—to which he shook his head at, dismissing it as his imagination.
    They then entered the prison wing titled "Royal Prisoners Only" Maximum Security.
    "She's gotta be in one of these cells." Lone Starr uttered.
    They went about check the prison cells, looking through small windows. Suddenly, a low deep voice was heard singing.
    Luke snorted. "You think."
    Mara rolled her eyes at the sudden bitter tone in her husband's voice. She elbowed him.
    "I thought you weren't sore."
    "I'm not sore. I'm just stating the stupidity of it."
    "Yeah...right." Han scoffed.
    Luke interjected good-naturedly, "Shut up."
    Lone Starr and Barf were now looking upon Princess Vespa. She was leaning over, fist poised underneath her chin, singing in a low tone. Dot was
    positioned in a similar position.
    "It's her." Lone Starr stated.
    "You're looking at her of course it is you moron!" Mara snapped a tad frustrated. "Your character is quite the genius."
    Luke raised his eyebrows in surprise.
    "Why are you snapping at me?" Han asked, sounding insulted.
    "I don't see anyone else's character acting simple."
    Lone Starr was opening the door, entering the cell; a similar scene Luke had encountered when he had first met Leia.
    Vespa looked up. "What do you want?"
    He ripped off his helmet. "It's me."
    Barf did the same. "It's us."
    "Yeah, instead it was me who entered the cell." Luke said, grinning in Han's direction.
    "Lone Starr! How did you find us?" Vespa asked, surprise in her voice.
    "Rub it in my face." Han muttered. "In case you didn't notice, I was fending off Imperials."
    "No time to talk. C'mon." Lone Star then reached for Vespa, pulling her out of the cell.
    "A likely story." He sounded positively smug.
    The quintet came around the corner only to encounter the two guards who Lone Starr and Barf beaten up and taken the uniforms from.
    "Hey those are the guys who took are uniforms." The tall guard shouted, pointing.
    "And beat the **** out of too." Rotund whimpered.
    What continued next was a holo version obviously of the trio's battle out of the more mortified prison level of the Death Star. A battle of that mostly consisted of the party hiding behind the corner firing while Vespa and Dot ducked and shielded themselves in the farther back—fact that had even Leia slightly ruffling at. Luke feeling this turned toward his sister.
    "We're trapped!" Vespa shouted miserably.
    "Calm yourself." Luke chided her
    "Oh I hate these kind of holos." Dot muttered, ducking.
    "I am calm." She said, trying to sound unaffected.
    Luke chuckled, amused, returning his attention to the holo. Barf had pulled a group of four pipes off the wall and conveniently four troops rushed up lining up parallel to the pipes. The beams shot unrealistically through the pipes, curving and hitting each of the Spaceballs squarely—even going so far as to catch one fleeing guard in the rear.
    "Good work!" Lone Starr congratulated Barf.
    Suddenly, laserblasts struck from the opposite direction.
    "Ah-oh, more ping-pong!" Lone Starr hollered. "Run for it!"
    "Let's go!" Barf shouted and the four began running down the corridor, away from the pursuing adversary.
    Vespa watched as the door at the far end of the corridor started closing vertically, like a gaping mouth.
    "It's closing!" She yelled. "The door is closing!"
    Lone Starr instructed, "Go for the door!"
    The crew, then, one by one dove in between the closing door panels just before it sealed shut.
    Spaceballs troops came in around from the other side. Lone Starr, Vespa, Barf and Dot slowly move to a standing position.
    "Don't move, or you're dead!" One trooper commanded. "Captain, we've got them!"
    A man, presumably the Captain, then sauntered in behind them, and came to a stop, pulling off one of his gloves as he did. "Spectacular stunt, my friends, but all for not. Turn around please."
    He pulled off his other glove, loosening his collar while Lone Starr, Vespa, Barf and Dot turn around to reveal—entirely different people!
    "Ah, what a pity. What a pity. So, Princess, you thought you could outwit the imperious force of…" The man stopped in midsentence, pulling his attentions away from his gloves. He gaped openly at the fake princess, a mustached man wearing a dress and smoking a cigar.
    "EH!" Ben made a sound that clearly showed he disturbed by the male stunt double.
    "You idiots!" He shouted. "These are not them; you've captured their stunt doubles! Search the area." He demanded. "Find them! Find them!"

    Meanwhile, the real L one Starr, Vespa, Barf and Dot where quickly making their way out of the prison, heading for the Eagle 5. The Spaceballs, however, were close on their tails; Lone Starr was firing, very much mimicking the fateful escape to the Millennium Falcon—too closely.
    As the crew makes it almost to Eagle 5, a blaster bolt singes the door of it. Barf makes an attempt to open it.
    Vespa demanded, "Open the door!"
    "I can't. It's fused shut." Barf responded.
    Vespa walked over to another door and tried it. "Well, what about this one?"
    "It's locked!" He
    "Well, where are the keys!?"
    "Oh, great!" Vespa shouted, sounding very frustrated.
    More rapid-fire blasting was still going on over the conversation.
    "Duck!" Lone Starr said.
    Vespa, Barf and Dot leaned against the Eagle 5 as Lone Starr rushed back toward it. He handed Vespa his blaster and instructed, "Here, you hold 'em off. I'll get the door."
    Vespa looked on the weapon in disgust. "I ain't shooting this thing. I hate guns."
    "Not very likely." Han muttered, smirking at his wife.
    Everyone had heard of the Princess' bold moves aboard the first Death Star; Princess Leia unlike Vespa was no wallflower. She as a take charge kind of woman.
    "My hair, he shot my hair." Vespa muttered, stunned. "He shot my hair." She readied the gun. "Son of a ******""
    Vespa then stepped forward and started to shoot at the troopers one by one, hitting them with pinpoint accuracy. When she had finished she lifted the business end of the
    weapon and blew at it. Lone Starr and Barf looked on in stunned amazement.
    "How was that?" She asked.
    "Not bad." Lone Starr replied.
    "Not bad for a girl." Barf amended.
    Dot exclaimed, "Hey, that was pretty good for Rambo."
    Vespa gestured with her head. "Let's blow this joint."
    Cut to commercial.

    [Commercial Break]
    Han got up to stretch. "Well, this is certainly fun, ain't it Sweetheart?"
    Leia rolled her eyes.
    "Oh, c'mon," He cajoled. "I could see you getting irritated."
    "Was I?" She replied, lifting her eyebrow. Then she held up a finger toward her brother, "And don't you say a thing, Luke."
    Luke lifted his hands. "Wasn't planning on it, Sister dear."
    "He's getting wiser in his old age." Leia quipped, looking at Mara.
    "I do try to train him well." Mara replied agreeably.
    "Trained huh?" Han looked to Luke then after a moment of silence from the Jedi switched his gaze back to his wife. "Now, I believe we were discussing something."
    "Dad, don't." Jacen begged off, shaking his head. He knew very well what happened when his mother was pressed. His father should know better but for some reason he was obviously intent on riling her. "Why don't we talk about the holo?"
    Han spread his hands. "That's what I thought I was doing."
    "No," Jaina corrected. "You were looking for trouble." She smirked. "...As usual."
    "This isn't about me, little girl, it's about that holos perception of us." Han turned and glared at the HolonNet. "It can say what it likes about me." He jabbed his thumb against his chest. "But I know who I am, not what some hacks dictates they think I am." He looked to his wife. "Same goes for the rest of us. Sweetheat, you told Luke that who he was couldn't be changed by what the holo portrayed right. Well, same goes for you." He winked at her. "Besides, they got the feisty part right."
    Leia broke out in a smile. "You're right, I don't say it enough but you're right at this moment."
    "I like to think I'm right about a lot of things." He responded.
    "Nerf." She said stilling smiling.
    Ben interrupted. "Hate to break up this mush, but the holo's coming back on."
    The family gathered once more in the livingroom, loaded up with new drinks and snacks, sat down to watch the rest of the holo.

    [End of Commercial Break]

    Orbiting Druidia, Spacballs I
    The looming structure of Spaceball I appeared on stream, panning across it. There were sounds of footsteps pounding against decking, almost as if someone were running through the ship.
    Someone was in fact running. And that someone was President Skroob.
    Skroob hurried onto the bridge, heading for Helmet and Sanders.
    "President Skroob!" An off screen voice announced. "Salute."
    "All hail, Skroob."
    Skroob stopped running, looking and sounding very much out of breath. "This ship is too big. If I walk, the holo will be over."
    "That's an understatement." Mara said, dryly.
    Sanders: "Sir?"
    "Yes,uh." He exclaimed startled.
    Skroob had turned toward Sanders and was greeted by Helmet's dark mask. He jumped back slightly,
    "Never have that blasted thing down in front of me." He reprimanded, shaking his finger at Helmet. "How do I know you're not making faces at me under that thing?"
    Helmet then lifted his faceplate and stuck out his tongue at Skroob as he faced forward. ..
    "President Skroob!" Sanders announced.
    …only to act like he'd been running it along the inside of his mouth.
    "There it is: Planet Druidia."
    Skroob looked upon it with wonder. "Ah, Planet Druidia, and ten thousand years of fresh air."
    Helmet, leaning toward Sanders, whispered, "The way he runs things it won't last a hundred."
    "What?" Skroob said, turning back to him.
    Helmet simply shrugged his shoulders as if unaware what had been said.
    Sanders: "Preparing ship for metamorphosis, Sir."
    "Good. Get on with it."
    "Ready Kafka." Helmet said, drawing strange looks from Skroob and Sanders.

    Orbiting Drudia, Eagle 5
    The crew of the Eagle 5 entered Druidia's orbit, coming upon Spaceball I.s
    "Look," Lone Starr pointed. "It's Spaceball I, they've reached the airsheild…"
    Dot: "And it's…opening."
    "How're they gonna get the air out?" Barf asked confused. "I don't see any hoses or anything."
    Spaceball I then began to move, changing its shape entirely.
    Vespa uttered, "What's going on? The ship…it's changing."
    The vessel continued to transform, sprouting what looked like to be…arms out of this side and feet from its thrusters.
    "What in the hell?" Han muttered, baffled as the crew of the Eagle 5.
    They looked on with a mixture of horror and shock.
    "My gosh," Barf muttered. "It's not just a spaceship, it's a transformer." His ears perked up as he said this.
    Ben snickered, he such toys in his childhood; robot toys that were marketed to transform into different kinds of ships.
    The front part of the ship flipped over
    Dot: "It's changing into…"
    The head rose over the front plating.
    Barf: "...a gigantic..."
    Vespa: "...maid..."
    "…with a vacuum cleaner." Lone Starr finished.
    The camera panned up the shot to reveal a giant robotic mad wielding said vacuum cleaner.
    "So that's how they're going to get the air out." Barf said
    I was going to post chapter seven right after six, but my hand is cramping something terrible and its late...So I'll do so tomorrow.
  16. EmeraldJediFire

    EmeraldJediFire Jedi Master star 4

    Feb 23, 2012
    Note: And I've done it again...I've forgotten to post this...CmdrMitthrawnuruodo, Here it is. I've finished the story entirely so I'll be able to post faster now. The next chapter will be the last one. It will be longer so I could fit the last scene in. please enjoy!

    The holocam panned up the gigantic maid slowly as the monstrous sound of drums and trumpets was heard in the background. The scene cut to the inside of bridge of Spaceball I; it was transformed with ladders leading to the upper decks. Sanders, Skroob and Helmet were standing steadfastly at the center consoles.

    Sanders turned, "Metamorphosis complete, sir. Spaceball I has become..."

    Cut to a crewman playing enormous drums

    "Mega Maid."

    Mara shot her nephew a curious look and saw Jacen smile broadly. Apparently the jokster had a thing for these Fourth Wall jokes. . She shrugged. Well, he was known for telling corny ones himself .

    By this time, Helmet and Skroob were also facing outward.

    "Good." Skroob announced, looking around. "Remarkable." He seemed in awe of his surroundings.

    Helmet's face mask was up.

    "Now, commence operation: Vaccusuck." He announced imperiously.

    She could feel Ben's mirth at the operation's codename. She sighed; she was surrounded by juveniles. Well, at least Luke was trying not to follow his son's lead.

    An outside shot appeared of the gigantic maid flipped the vacuum switch over to ON. It started up and slowly began to suck up the atmosphere bellow. Upon the planet of Drudia snow was pulled up from a mountain peak, trees from the abundant green forest. The bag began to inflate substantially as more of the planet's terrain was consumed by the vacuum.

    Helmet, Skroob, and Sanders chant: "Suck, suck, suck."
    Planet of Druidia
    King Roland held up a picture of his daughter, in a white gown.

    "Isn't that the same dress she's been wearing?" Mara commented. "Does she…like wear it every day?"

    Luke smiled at this and patted his wife's leg.

    "Goodbye, Vespa," Roland gasped, obviously struggling for air that was depleting rapidly. "My little baby…Vespa." He whispered before slumping over, fainting.
    The bag was now fully expanded as if fit to burst.
    Eagle 5 Intr.
    "The air bag," Vespa cried out in despair. "It's almost full."

    "What'll we do?" Dot bemoaned.

    "We've gotta act fast." Lone Starr said. "Step 1, we reverse the vacuum and blow the air back on the planet. Step 2," His voice took on a more serious tone. "We destroy that thing."

    Vespa leaned in near him. "But isn't that dangerous?"

    The princess assumed a breathy, damsel in distress voice that made Leia and Mara want to upchuck.

    "Extremely." Lone Starr confirmed. His serious voice then gave way to confusion. "Plus, I don't know how the hell we're gonna do it."

    "Oh, that's reassuring." Jaina quipped.

    Han should have been irked by his daughters comment, but instead looked to Luke. "Tell me about it. Sounds like someone else I know."


    "…. ring Yogurt gave you?" Barf was asking.

    "Oh yeah," Lone Starr pulled out the Ring of the Schwartz. He stared at it hesitantly. "But..."

    "C'mon, boss." Barf prompted. "Give it a shot!"

    He slipped the ring on. "Okay. Here goes nothing."

    He pointed the ring in the direction of the switch. It then began to glow brightly as if influenced by some cosmic magic.

    "That is not how it works." Luke mumbled, rolling his eyes.

    Mara elbowed him.

    "Look at that!" Vespa announced.

    "It's working!" Barf added.

    The switch was slowly beginning to make its way in the opposite direction.

    "..c'mon, Schwartz, c'mon, Schwartz." The crew of the Eagle 5 chanted.

    The switch flipped back to "reverse" and the vacuum began to release the air back onto Druidia.
    Spaceball I/Mega Maid Intr.
    Skroob was looking very startled.

    "Helmet, what's going on?" He inquired.

    Helmet: "Sanders, what's going on?"

    "It's Mega Maid. She's gone from suck to blow."

    Ben burst out laughing at this point and Mara's jaw dropped. Had they really? Yes, they had. She slapped Ben in the arm.

    "Oh Emperor's black bones, "She grumbled. "I didn't raise you to laugh at bawdy humor."

    Helmet and Sanderz jumped back horrified.

    "What?!" Skroob hollered. "They're getting all their air back." He turned to Helmet and shouted, "Do something!"

    Helmet turned to Sanders: "Do something!"

    To which Sanders picked up the mike and shouted: "Do something!"

    "Uhhhh," was the general consensus from the entire family.

    The atmosphere flowed back onto Druidia; the snow returned as did the trees. Roland awakened, the oxygen returning to him as well. He began to rejoice.
    Interior: Mega Maid
    The Eagle 5 slowly piloted its way up near what appeared to be an ear canal to the gigantic maid. It slipped easily inside and the scene panned to the inside of the Eagle 5 which was slowly making its way down the canal.

    "Dim the lights." Lone Starr instructed.

    "Dmining the lights." Barf parroted.

    The cockpit went dark.

    "Go to infrared."

    "Going to infrared."

    "Pray to God."

    "Praying to God."

    Lone Starr exchanged a look with his copilot at this.

    A red glow settled over them as a little monitor appeared on screen, showing a miniature version of the Eagle 5 winding its way through the ear canal of Mega Maid. Lone Starr then reached up and turned a knob label "infrared scanner".

    Dot chanted softly: "Careful, careful."

    "What're you doing?" Barf inquired, seeing Lone Starr make a movement.

    "Scanning," Lone Starr replied.

    A device had dropped from bellow the Eagle 5, pivoting in place, its red eye scanning the area below. The small monitor showed precise details of their surroundings.

    "There's got to be a self-destruct mechanism somewhere in the central brain area."

    The scanning device stopped suddenly.

    "I think we just found it." He announced.

    "Where?" Vespa asked, sounding curious.


    Lone Starr then reached up once more to flick a switch again. The image on the screen seemed to pivot, mimicking the movement of the scanner. The infrared scanner showed a corridor down the way, with the presumed self-destruct mechanism at the far end.

    "Well," Ben said jovially. "At least you know they didn't botch that detail; the port's still unguarded as ever." He chuckled.

    "Bingo. There it is. It's right below us." There was triumph in Lone Starr's voice.

    The crew shared pleased looks.

    "Put 'er in hover, Barf."

    "Putting her in hover."

    "I'm goin' down there."

    Lone Starr got up and headed for the back of the Eagle 5.

    "He's going down there." Han snorted at the running gag. "I wouldn't." Barf willing admitted.

    Lone Starr was making his way slowly down a ladder that hung from the ship's belly. He quietly made it to the floor and carefully picked his way over to the door marked EMERGENCY EXIT. He stood by the door for a bit as if testing it then slowly pried it open. He cast a quick glance around before slipping through and shutting it behind him.

    "It wasn't that easy!" Luke said, his voice rising in irritation.

    The cam panned down to show a small light flashing at the bottom of the door.

    "Silent alarm." Mara murmured. "Clever."
    Exterior of Self Destruct Room
    Lone Starr was creeping his way along silently in the background. He sneaked up behind a Spaceball who was guarding the self-destruct room. He then made a movement as if meaning to seize the guard from behind.

    "What the hell are you doin'?" The guard inquired.

    Leia gave a broad smile. "Now, that DOES remind me of you, Dear." She looked lovingly at Han.

    "The…Vulcan Neck Pinch." Lone Starr said, sounding unsure.

    Ben grinned, knowing exactly what they were talking about. It was from one of his favorite shows: Star Trek.

    "No, no, stupid," The guard chided Lone Starr. "You've got it up too high. It's down here where the shoulder meets the neck."

    Lone Starr changed the position of his hand.

    "Like this?"

    "Yeah..." The guard breathed, before collapsing.


    Luke smirked, snorting. "Oh, very accurate; only it didn't end with Han shooting the console."

    "Shut it." Han grumbled, arms folded.

    "Hand print identification, please. Hand print identification, please." The computerized voice repeated.

    Lone Starr reached down pulled off one of the guards gloves. He then place ungloved hand atop the scanner. A small recognition light lit atop the scanner. The door swished open.

    "Thanks again." He said, knocking the on the Spaceball's helmet.

    He stepped over the fallen guard into the room.

    Across the way, on the far end of the room, he spotted the self-destruct button. The cam panned up to it.

    Under it was a sign that read:

    "Now, when exactly would there be a time where you wouldn't want to push the self-destruct button?" Jacen mused, grinning.

    Anakin quipped, "Yeah, those could come in handy…like say when mom's making her spiceloaf."

    Anakin received a cuff on the back of the head by his mother.


    "Is that you, Mila?" Another guard calls out.

    The man was standing by washing station, with shaving cream on his face, his back to Lone Starr. Lone Starr ducked back to avoid being scene and produced the ring from
    his pocket. He slipped it on a surveyed the area. He spotted the shaving cream can and pointed the ring at it, calling it to himself. The guard watched in confusion as the can floated up and away from him.

    The guard turned in time to see the can sail its way into a stranger's outstretched hand.

    He jumped back in alarm, readying his weapon. "Who're you?" He inquired. "What're you doing with that?"


    And as dumb as the Spaceball was, he was taken by surprise when Lone Starr sprayed his eyes with the foam then filled his mouth with it. It seemed to immobilize the man enough that his adversary was able to apply the previous maneuver.

    "Sweet dreams." Lone Starr uttered as the guardsman fell to the ground.

    "Now, if only the Stormtroopers had such ridiculous costumes that would have worked for us." Han quipped. It was apparent by the tone he thought the ploy was beyond stupid. "I mean, c'mon, shaving cream."

    Lone Starr bent down to retrieve a card key from the fallen man's back pocket then swiped it through the panel next to the shielded area. The green energy bars disappeared and he stepped past, approaching the button quickly.

    And as he was about to hit to the button, a deep voice hollered:

    "Not so fast, Lone Starr!"

    Lone Starr turned around to face the dark lord, bravado in his voice.

    "Helmet." He semi-greeted. "We meet for the first time, for the last time."He seemed to internally check his words, mumbling, yes, after he was positive.

    "Don't say anything." This, of course, came from Han.

    "This is the good part." Anakin murmured, excitement bubbling up.

    "Before you die there is something you should know about us, Lone Starr."

    Lone Starr had a hesitant expression on. "What?"

    Helmet, Jacen & Anakin: "I'm am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate."

    Lone Starr took on a decidedly confused look. "What's that make us?" He asked, not getting the reference.

    "Absolutely nothing!" Helmet snapped. "Which is what you are about to become." He raised the ring. "Prepare to die."

    The events that happened next were a complete and under mindkriff. The two men used their rings not in a laser type form, but maneuvered them into a sword form. But that wasn't what was astounding. It was the position which the blades were…extracted.

    "What in the Sith is this?"Mara erupted.

    "Some weird…dirty lightsaber fetish humor?" Ben suggested.

    "Quiet, you."

    "Well, this brings a whole new meaning to lightsaber waving contest." Jaina murmured audibly.

    Leia had her hand covered over her mouth.

    "You have the ring," Helmet announced. "And I see your Schwartz is as big as mine."

    They both looked down where there "weapons" were positioned.

    Jaina let out a mild snort.

    "Let's see how well you…handle it." Helmet finished meaningfully.

    The scene that played out next was the beginning of a life or death duel—but considering the tone of the whole production ended up being more light than serious. After dueling for a few odd minutes in the beginning, the fight came to a halt for a brief moment

    Lone Starr ducked the other's blade which led to Helmet cutting down what appeared to be the holocam man. The man screamed in an outright comical fashion.
    Helmet and Lone Starr stood stock still.

    "Ugh, he did it." Helmet accused, pointing at Lone Starr.

    "WHAT!?" Lone Starr snapped.

    And the duel was on once more. Lone Starr made the first move with Helmet blocking every step of the way. He slowly backed Lone Starr into a wall and other jumped back to avoid it. He pressed Helmet back and continued to battle with him, pressing their blades closer until….they became somehow intertwined?


    Lone Starr and Helmet surveyed the situation.

    "****." Helmet swore. "I hate it when I get my Schwartz twisted." He turned his head. "Okay, maybe, if I put my leg up on yours...we can split apart."
    He then proceeded to place his booted foot on Lone Starr's leg.

    "Good, yeah." He murmured. "On three: one, two three, go!"

    The two separated; Lone Starr slamming in to one wall, Helmet the opposite. There energy dispersed from their rings upon impact. Regaining their thoughts the two raised
    their hands once more, energy blade igniting. They circled close, the blade barely touching as if feeling each other out. Helmet then did something interesting. He deactivated his blade; it was almost as if he was testing his opponent.

    Lone Starr took this opportunity to attack, but was blocked by as if some invisible force field. He attacked again and again, but was unsuccessful."

    "You know, Vader could do that block thing…but not his whole body." Han commented off-handedly.

    When he was unable to penetrate Helmet's defense, the diminutive lord took this time to raise his shield and have a good laugh at the space bum's expense. To which Lone Starr responded by socking him straight in the face.

    "YEAH!" Han hollered, grinning.

    Helmet stumbled back, then shook it promptly off. He struck out at Lone Starr once more; but due to his height, the other held him at bay in a comical fashion with Helmet swinging his blade ineffectively. Lone Starr finally let go, causing Helmet to go careening into a row of lockers. He stood still for a moment, trying to wait it out.

    "So, Lone Starr," He said, seeming to regain his equilibrium. "Yogurt has taught you well" He walked toward Lone Starr."If there's one thing I despise is a fair fight. But if I must then I must. May the best man win." He extended his hand, coming closer to the other. "Put her there."

    Lone Starr looked at him unsure but at the last moment extended his hand.

    Han was starting to get the proverbial bad feeling about the gesture.

    "The ring!" Helmet crowed triumphantly. He had snatched it from Lone Starr's hand. "I can't believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book. What a goof! What's with you, man, c'mon? You know what," Helmet suggested, coming forward. "Let me give it back to you. Uh, you fell for that too!"

    As soon as Lone Starr mistakenly reached out for it, Helmet tossed it up—and it fell through the grating bellow their feet. Lone Starr dove for it, but was of course too late.
    The idiot.

    "I can't believe it, man!" Helmet crowed once more.

    Lone Star, bereft of his ring, backed away from Helmet, into the far corner.

    "So, Lone Starr, now you see evil will always triumph, because good is dumb."

    In this case, it couldn't have been truer.
  17. Falcon

    Falcon Chosen One star 10

    Feb 7, 2002
    Can't wait for the next chapter, this is funny :D I love space balls :D
  18. EmeraldJediFire

    EmeraldJediFire Jedi Master star 4

    Feb 23, 2012
    Thanks JediFalcon. This will be the final chapter for this fic. I hope you enjoy it...and have enjoyed this story.
    “You mean good is gullible.” Han muttered, arms crossed over his chest.

    He looked positively like some sort of petulant child.

    “Han, it’s all right.” Leia chided him.

    “No, it’s not. I’ve just been insulted,” He turned to Luke. “You should be insulted too; it’s basically saying your naiveté gets you in trouble.”

    Luke sighed. “Perhaps.”

    “What!? You’re agreeing with this bantha manure?”

    “Well, when we went to rescue Leia, I didn’t have much of a plan did I. I just wanted to save her from being executed. My optimism got us cornered; it was Leia’s quick thinking that saved us.”

    “And almost got us crushed.” Han retorted.

    “So you’re still bringing up that, Han.” There was ire in his wife’ voice. “After all these years; I saved our necks, and you know that.”

    When the family had ended their taunting and playful jabs, they found Lone Starr wedged in a corner between a bunks and a locker.

    “Use the Schwartz, Lone Starr, use the Schwartz.” Yogurt’s disembodied voice advised.

    Lone Starr looked up to his unseen mentor. “I can’t,” he objected. “I lost the ring.”

    “The ring is bubcus,” Yogurt dismissed. “I found it inside a Crackle box; the Schwartz is in you, Lone Starr, it’s in you.”

    “All right, I’ll try.”

    Anakin then opened his mouth and his older sister, shot him a look.

    “Don’t even think about it.”

    “It’s time to say goodbye to your two best friends,” Helmet announced. “And I don’t mean your pals in the Winnebago.” He pointed his glowing-green ring in the direction of Lone Starr’s crotch.

    Lone Starr looked over then, and seeing the shaving mirror, he called it to him. He brought it to cover himself in time, deflecting Helmet’s laser. The shot bounced back at the helmeted lord and zapped him instead. Helmet let out a painful scream as he stumbled backwards under the onslaught. His large helmet cracked against the glass shielding the self-destruct button.

    The males in the room openly winced.

    “Who came up with the sick idea of that anyway?” Han groused.

    “I guess it’s a modified version of Force-choke?” Ben suggested.

    “Thank you for pushing the self-destruct button. This ship will self-destruct three minutes.” The automated voice announced.

    “How is that modified? Wait; did that just say self destruct warning? Are you serious?” Han deadpanned.

    “Why is there even a self-destruct button?” Mara asked.

    Red-lights flashed off and on in warning as Lone Starr made his daring escape, heading back the way he had come. The alarm could he heard and seen all throughout the ship.

    “Would have made blowing up the Death Star easier.” Leia added.
    Mega Maid/Spaceball I Intr./Bridge

    “What’s going on?” President Skroob questioned. “Where are we; Paris?”

    “Thank you for pushing the self-destruct button. This ship will self-destruct in exactly two minutes and forty-five seconds.”

    Skroob looked around, clearly agitated by this.

    “We’ve got to stop it.” He turned to Sanders. “Is there any way to stop it?”

    Sanders turned to him. “I can’t; it’s irreversible.” He then went to the comm panel

    “Like my raincoat.”

    Ben snorted in laughter.

    “Attention, this is Colonel Sanders in forward command. Abandon ship; all personnel proceed to escape pods.” As Sanders begn to issue his more ridiculous orders, a fast-paced tune started to play. “Evacuate the circus, close down the zoo. Self-destruct has been activated; abandon ship.”

    Personnel and crew members rushed about, circus people with balloons mingled with officers as they scrambled in a panic to evacuate.

    Luke mused, “It’s almost like some big giant floating hotel instead of a space station.”

    Skroob turned to Sanders. “Sanders, Sanders, you’ve got to help me.” He pleaded, grabbing and shaking him in a fright. “I don’t know what to do. I can’t make decisions—I’m a president.”

    “Oxy-moron much.” Han uttered.

    The two grabbed hold of eachother.

    “This is your two minutes; this is ship will self-destruct in two minutes.”

    “Launch all escape pods as soon as they are filled.” Sanders hollered.
    Eagle 5 Intr.

    Elsewhere, the crew of Eagle 5 waited amongst the flashing lights and warning sounds.

    “What’s going on?” Vespa said, sounding panicked. “Where is he?”

    The music started just then:

    SPACEBALLS! Watch out!’

    Just then, Lone Starr appeared, exiting the door he’d previously entered. He began to immediately climb the ladder up to the ship.

    “Where is he? Vespa shouted.

    “Here.” Lone Starred said, entering the cockpit. “We’ve got a minute and forty before the end of the world. Hang on.”


    Two guards rushed out and fired upon the fire, kneeling so they could aim for the bottom. It was futile though.

    “Why are blasters never effective against ships?” Mara inquired sarcastically. “Oh, yeah, because they’re blasters!”

    Lone Starr: “Full throttle.”

    Barf: “Full throttle.”

    Lone Starr: “Going to hyperjets.”

    Barf: “Going to hyperjets.”

    The ship rocketed forward, pressing them into their seats. The Winnebago blasted off, heading down the tunnel away, its hyperjets flaring as it made it around the corner.

    If you’re living in a bubble and …’

    The rest of the family could faintly hear Anakin singing along to the tune, hand tapping against his thigh. They eyed him curiously—he was, however, oblivious.
    Spaceball I Intr./Bridge

    ‘….you haven’t got a care…’

    Sanders was rushing up to an escape pod just then. Skroob followed in, staring into another one.

    “Hey, where do you think you’re going?” he asked.

    The passenger was a man wearing the outfit of a fast-food delivery man, and carrying a box.

    “Pizza to go!” He called out, before closing the door and jettisoning the escape pod.

    “As in Hut?” Jaina murmured, looking sick all the sudden.

    Skroob stared out the portal, shouting wordlessly.

    Then you’re gonna be in trouble cause we’re gonna steal your air.’

    Escape pods were seen jettisoning from the crown on the Mega Maid.

    Sanders rushed to various pods, being too late at each one. He approached one only to be knocked on the head by the drum player. He stumbled back stunned.

    This time Jacen joined in with Anakin:

    ‘Cause what you got is what we need and all we do is dirty deeds, we’re the SPACEBALLS!’

    Watch out! ‘Cause we’re the SPACEBALLS!’

    Just then, an animal was shown creeping up one of the ladders, and the sounds he was making sounded faintly like Chewbacca’s. A large woman in a red dress, hat and….a beard was making her way across the deck, toward an escape pod. Just as she was ready to get in, Helmet rushed up to her.

    “Hey, hey, that’s my escape pod. Who’re you!?” He shouted.

    The woman (Han wasn’t sure anymore), turned to him, hands on her hips.

    “I’m the bearded lady,” she stated imperiously. “What’re you one of the freaks?” As she said this, she used her stomach to shove Helmet out of the way.

    He stumbled back allowing the bearded woman time to commandeer the pod. The animal meanwhile was creeping along the wall as if trying to avoid being seen. Helmet banged on the portal. More escape pods jettisoned. Helmet screamed a cruel obscenity at the fleeing woman.

    Then it was just the three of them: Sanders, Skroob, and Helmet.

    Sanders and Skroob rushed forward, the president leaning forward to see.

    “One pod left.” He announced. “And three of us,” he straightened his jacket. “Well boys it’s a very lovely ship, I think you should go down with it.”

    Just as he was saying this, the animal had made it to the escape pod and was belting himself in.

    “Good bye.” Skroob bade, waving. He obliviously made his way over to it and got in. When he tried to belt himself in, he found he could not. “What’s the matter with this thing?” He looked back and encountered the snarling animal. “Waaaah!” He jumped out, nearly missing the swiping paw.

    “How do you miss that?” Ben asked. “I mean, restraints and fur feel way different.”

    “Isn’t it obvious,” Jaina said. “He’s the president, he doesn’t know how to make decisions.”

    “This ship will self-destruct in twenty seconds. This is your last chance to push the cancellation button.” The voice informed them.

    “Cancellation button!” Skroob shouted. “Hurry!”

    Han objected, “Wait there’s a cancellation button now?”

    The three of them rushed off sliding down the rails of the stairway and tumbling in a comical fashion. They scrambled up, searching for the elusive button.

    “Where is it?” Helmet hollered. “Where is it?”

    “It’s gotta be here.” Sanders announced.

    He floundered for a minute before finding it, flipping open a hatch that read ‘Cancel Self-Destruct’—and on it had a tag that said….Out of Order.

    “Out of order.” Helmet shouted once more. “Frack! Even in the future nothing works.”

    Sanders seemed to scoff in frustration.

    Automated Voice: “This ship will self-destruct in exactly ten seconds.” The three gathered closely together in fright. “Counting down: ten, nine, eight…”

    Eagle 5 made its winding way through the ear canal. Helmet, Skroob meanwhile still clung close together.


    “Six!?” Skroob said. “What happened to seven?”

    “Just kidding.” The automated voice seemed to have a funny/mean streak.

    The men grimaced in frustration.

    Vespa hollered: “There’s the other end!” She pointed to the opening of the tunnel. “Faster!”

    “Six, five, four..”

    The trio on the bridge began counting along, mouthing the final numbers.

    “Three, two, one.”

    They seemed to brace for impact.

    “Have a nice day.” The voice said genially.

    Helmet, Sanders, & Skroob uttered: “Thank you,” before squeezing their eyes shut and bracing again.

    Eagle 5 then rocketed out of the ear and cleared the gigantic maid. It then self-destructed in a fiery explosion. The heroes had escaped the Death Star…ooops Mega Maid, and were happily celebrating the destruction.

    “We did it!” Vespa cheered off screen.

    She hugged Barf first then turned to embrace Lone Starr. They still for a moment at the realization as their lips almost touched. Looking temporarily, uncomfortable, he pulled away first.

    “We all did it.” He amended.

    It was finally time to bring the princess back, their mission fulfilled. The Eagle 5 flew for Drudia, the yawning air shield opening to allow it entrance.
    Eagle 5 Intr.

    Barf and Lone Starr sat in the forward compartment; they were watching something that resembled the HoloNet. The reporter was making some sort of inane reference that seemed to illicit a chuckle from himself.

    “On a sadder note,” he began, a familiar grotesque visage appearing on the screen. “Pizza the Hut, famed half man half pizza was found dead today in the back of his stretched limo. Evidently the notorious gangster became locked in his car—and ate himself to death.”

    “Anakin!” Jaina hollered.

    “I forgot they mention him.”

    “Pizza kicked the bucket,” Barf announced. “Now we don’t have to pay him the million! We can keep it for ourselves.”

    Lone Starr did not look as happy as Barf though.

    Drudia/Royal Palace
    The Eagle 5 approached the royal castle, circling before it landed. Vespa rushed through the door, arms outstretched to greet her father. They embraced and Roland began to utter muttering of relief of her safety and homecoming. Roland then stepped aside to reveal the sleeping Prince Vallium, he gestured toward the prince.

    “And look who’s happy to see you also.” Roland announced.

    The servant, smacked the prince on the shouldering, bidding him to wake.

    Vallium upon seeing Vespa, yawned deeply and stood up.

    “Well, hello, where’ve you been?” He asked, obviously oblivious.

    Lone Starr of course looked put-off by this reunion.

    What occurred next for him was seven kinds of odd. Barf and Lone Starr made their way to dinner in set on a space platform, after dropping off Vespa. They ordered their meal, Barf making a blatant inference toward their waiter, while his tail proceeded to make some gestures of its own. The waitress chastised him and he howled after her, explaining that it ‘had a mind of its own’.

    Everything seemed to be normal, except for Lone Starr, who seemed sullen—and the impromptu chest explosion and alien dance number. In the end, they ended up leaving without their meal due to the strange occurrences.


    A marquee sign appeared, like in the beginning,.

    It read:

    Royal Wedding of Princes Vespa to Prince Valium
    Take Two

    Vespa was in her wedding gown, prepared to walk down the ailse once again. She looked preoccupied.

    “Five minutes to magic time.” A man announced, sounding far more excited than the moment called for.

    “Are you all right, my dear?” Her father inquired. “You look a little bit…flighty.”

    “Don’t worry about me father!” Vespa stated, sounding incensed. “I’m completely over him.”

    “Yeah, right.” Han muttered.

    He earned a glower from his wife.

    Roland didn’t look convinced, instead he looked very disconcerted.

    “Didn’t even stay for the wedding.” She scoffed. “Just grabbed his million spacebucks and ran.”

    Roland turned to her. “He didn’t take the million.” He corrected her.

    “He didn’t?” Vespa turned to her father, surprise evident in her voice.

    “No, he just took two and forty eight spacebucks for lunch, gas and tolls.”

    “See that look,” Jaina pointed out. “Look like our haughty princess just realized something.”
    Eagle 5 Intr.
    “I still can’t believe you turned down the money,” Barf bemoaned. “At least we could have stayed for the wedding feast; I’m starving. Have you got anything to eat?”

    “Nah,” Lone Starr paused. “No, wait a minute,” He began to dig in his pocket. “Yogurt gave me that fortune cookie. Here: chow down.” He passed it to Barf.

    “Wow. Thanks; I’ll split it with you.”


    “Okay.” Barf cracked open the cookie.

    A mystical dusting appeared arching and landing behind them in the form of….

    “Yogurt!” They said in unison.

    Hello, boys!” Yogurt greeted. “Well, you opened your fortune cookie, so here’s your fortune. Lone Starr, you know that medallion that you where around your neck, but you don’t know what it is means.” Lone Starr extracted the medallion, staring at it. “Well, here’s what it means; it’s a royal birth certificate, yes.” Lone Starr looked to Yogurt amazed. “You father was a king, your mother was a queen, which makes you….a certified prince.”

    “Oh, what a load of crap.” Han complained loudly. “What is this; a fairy tale?”

    Lone Starr was looking excited, despite his real counterpart’s protests.

    “I’m a prince, I’m a prince. “ He celebrated. “Which means?”

    “Which means,” Yogurt continued. “If you hurry there might be a princess in your future. Now, if you wanna get back there before she marries sleeping beauty, there’s a special can of fuel in your storage compartment.” He paused. “Good luck, boys.”

    Barf and Lone Starr said good bye to Yogurt and thanked him. Yogurt accepted Lone Starr’s thanks, uttering about the Schwartz before disappearing again. Lone Starr instructed Barf to search the storage compartment, and after uttering, “You got it, Your Highness,” Barf found it exactly where Yogurt had promised. He picked up the can, revealing the label Liquid Schwartz. Barf held it aloft, like he was doing some sort of commercial.

    Quick, pour it in the emergency tank.” Lone Starr said.

    Barf did so and sat back, the two watched as a yellow glow bubbled up. “Done,” He said, before closing the tanks latch.

    “Hang on, Barfo. We’re gonna make spacetracks.” Lone Starr jerked the wheel, and the Eagle 5 made turned around, creating stardust literraly in the sky.

    Planet of Drudia/Wedding Chapel

    Princess Vespa and Prince Valium stood before the minister as well as Vespa’s father King

    Roland and a congregation of other nobility. The Minister had a book in his hand, and he had begun to read from it.

    “Dearly beloved, we are gathered hear…” He paused then amended, looking chagrined. “Again.”

    Vespa whispered frantically to her father, “Why did you tell me he didn’t take the money?”

    Prince Valium was standing, trying not to fall asleep, but failing.

    “I didn’t think it was important.” He whispered back just as fiercely.

    The Minister stopped, looking at them. “May I continue, please?”

    Roland added, “Besides, he asked me not to tell you.”

    “I guess, Lone Starr is more like you than you think, Flyboy.” Leia murmured lovingly.

    “Thank you,” The Minister said, wearing a false smile, the continued, “To join Princess Vespa and Princess Valium.” He stopped, noticing his err. “I’m sorry, it’s the hair.”

    The prince seemed unaffected by this slip up.

    This, however, earned a roomful of laughter from the entire family.

    “Prince Valium, in the bonds of holy matrimony.” He finished.

    “I see it all now,” Vespa said. “Don’t you see he loves me?” She was pleading with her father.

    The Minister brought his head up again. “Excuse me, I’m trying to conduct a wedding here which has nothing to do with love. Please be quiet.”

    This brought a snort from the married couples. “Though there was that one time...” Han started to say. He had been about to mention a particular Hapan prince. However, he looked at Leia, promptly thought better of it and shut up. She patted his leg in a congratulatory manner.

    Vespa: “I’m sorry.”

    Roland: “I’m sorry.

    Prince Valium: “I’m sorry, too.”

    “Don’t be sorry, be quiet!”

    Vespa, Roland, & Valium: “I’m sorry.”

    The Minister visibly jumped back.

    “….to join Princess Vespa in the bonds of holy...”

    He was cut off as the sound of a ship rocketing overhead startled him.


    The audience looked up startled.

    “Matrimony.” The Minister ground out.

    Vespa looked to her father excitedly. “It’s him.” She announced. “I know it’s him. He’s come back.”

    “Just like always.” Leia murmured again.

    The Solo siblings rolled their eyes.

    “That’s it.” The Minister snapped. “We’re going take no more chances; we’re going to do the short version.”He pointed to the near comatose prince. “Prince Valium, do you take Princess Vespa to be your lawfully wedded wife?”

    Valium nodded sleepily. “Uh-uh.”

    “Princess Vespa, do you take Prince Valium to be your lawfully wedded husband?”

    “Uh…well I suppose. Oh, I don’t know.”

    “Why is she even considering it if Lone Starr is back?” Jaina asked.

    Lone Starr and Barf could be seen entering from the back of the chapel.

    “No, she doesn’t!” Lone Starr hollered.

    “Way to speak for her, Solo.” Mara snarked.

    He ignored this.

    The witnesses got up and Lone Starr dressed in a fine outfit fit for a prince made his way down the aisle. Barf was in tow wearing an equally fine outfit, his fur….curled?

    “I look like a tool.” Han grumbled.

    “Who the **** are you?” The Minister barked.

    Lone Starr stopped. “Prince Lone Star.” He stated.

    “Prince?” Vespa repeated, stunned.

    Now, Han was angry. It hadn’t been a prince that had won his princess’ heart. It had been a scoundrel! Leia, sensing Han’s irritation, stroked his arm.

    “I just found out. That’s what this says,” Lone Starr lifted the medallion. “I’m an honest to God prince. Will you marry me?”

    “Well, let me think about it,” She pushed Valium out of the way. “Yes.”

    Lone Star walked up the dais, throwing his leg over the railing and stepped up beside Vespa.

    “I’m sick of this. I don’t care who I marry, but I’m going to marry someone today.” He looked to Barf. “Who are you?”

    “I’m the best man.”

    “What’s your name?”


    “Your full name.”


    “Are you the one whose getting married?”

    “Then get over there!” He snapped.

    This simple exchanged elicited more laughter from them.

    By this time, it was clear that the Minister had reached the end of his fuse.

    “Okay. Here we go; the short-short version.” He looked to Lone Starr. “Do you?”


    “Do you?”

    “Yes.” She said with excitement.

    “Good. You’re married. Kiss her.”

    Lone Starr looked to Vespa and whispered, “I love you.”

    “I love you.”

    The newlyweds embraced, sealing their marriage with a kiss. The witnesses cheered and off to the side, Barf was trying to contain his tears.

    Dot tilted her. “Well,” She sniffed. “Goodbye, Virgin Alarm.”

    The holo ended with the flourish of a score, the Eagle 5 rocketing away with Just Married painted on the rear shield. The credits then began to roll, but not before dispensing with one final message….

    Now, that the holo had come to an end the family began to move around, standing up to stretch.

    “Well,” Han said slowly. “That was…”

    “Different.” Luke finished.

    “Actually I was going to say crap.”

    His brother-in-law sighed.

    “It wasn’t that bad.” Leia said with a shrug.

    “Even after they maligned Solo?” Mara asked.

    “Well, there was some truth.” Leia said grinning. “Even if a lot of it was false.” She touched her brother’s arm. “Sorry about you diminished role, Brother.”

    “No problem. I’ve already kiss my sister (be it unknowingly), I think I’ll leave it at that.”

    Han turned to look for his Wookie co-pilot. “Chewie?”

    Threepio informed him, “It appears Chewbacca has…taken leave.”

    “Falcon probably.”

    “I thought it was pretty good.” Ben commented.

    “It wasn’t terrible,” Jaina voiced. “Stupid mostly. Not something I’d watch willingly of course.” She eyed her brothers. “I reiterate the humor was bad…even for Jacen.”

    “You just don’t have any concept of humor, Sis.”

    Jaina opened her mouth to retort.

    Luke went to hug his own sister. “We’ll be going. Thank you for an.…interesting night.”

    “Yes, it was.” She looked back to her squabbling twins. “Force, help me.”

    “They’re adults; just tell them to beat it.”

    She laughed.

    “I will.” She looked upon their family. “Life’s certainly never boring, not as exciting as that holo but…”

    “It has its fine moments yes.” Luke agreed, a twinkle in his eye.