Star's Worst Movies: Gary Oldman: Tiptoes (2004)

EW: "We dug up the lamest, silliest, and most regrettable cinematic embarrassments your favorite A-list actors every appeared in. Ladies and gentlemen, it's turkey time..."

(by Christ Nashawaty)

"We like movie stars. We flock to see their films, cheer when they win Oscars, and recite their famous lines. But sometimes they forget to return the lo9ve, cranking out movies that are so god-awful we're left slack-james and scratiching out heads, wondering how the hell the things ever got made. of course, these fiascos aren't always the actors' fault (and the stars themselves may even own up to how embarrassing they are). Like snowflakes, no two are exactly the same. Some fail because the script is terrible, others because there's a hack director behind the camera. some are pricey, high-profile train wrecks like Ben Affleck's "Gigli" or John Travolta's "Batterfield Earth",other are more obscure--and I'd argue a million times more interesting, because most of us never get the chance to see them. They're under the radar pieces of celluloid dreck that, more often than not, limp straight to DVD and quickly vanish into out-of-print oblivion. Sometimes these stealth bombs happen early in a star's career, when they're still paying their dues and can be forgiven; others come later, when they really should've known better. Whatever the case, these are the movies that Hollywood's leading men and women--and their agents, managers, and publicists--would prefer you didn't know about. Which is where we come in. Every film you're about to encounter here is terrible. not just 'Pluto Nash' terrible, but so bad that the original prints, wherever they may be, should be burned, salted, and sprinkled with holy water by a licensed Vatican exorcist. Until that sacred rite is performed, however, all we can do is offer our firsthand testimoney to the giddy horrors we've witnessed..."

Johnny Depp

[image=http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_kp1xhwaxV41qa0r9uo1_400.jpg]

"Private Resort" (1985)

Costarring: Rob Morrow and Andrew Dice Clay

Tagline: "Where every room has a great view."

"In the wake of "Porky's", the 80's witnessed a tsunami of raunchy comedies, which became a who's who of future Hollywood talent. There was "Fast Times at Ridgemont Hight" starring Sean Penn, "Risky Business" starring Tom Cruise and--a few rungs down--this roundelay of hot-weather high jinks starring a pre-'Jump Street' Depp and 'Northern Exposure"'s Morrow as a pair of horn-dog buddies let loose at a posh hotel brimming with bikini-clad babes, jewel thieves, and Andrew Dice Clay's hairy back.

Most Embarrassing Moment: On the run from a bad guy, Depp hides out in an aerobics class. Ogling a shapely butt in front of him, he declares: "I'm in love."

 

No, but they definitely ought to bring up The Mosquito Coast.

 

The Mosquito Coast is so distant from Ford's worst work that it's not even funny.

 

Some of Ford's later work is downright shocking. What was that terrible movie he was in with Josh Hartnett?

 

I'm interested in reading the choice for Patrick Swayze's worst movie.

SKATETOWN, U.S.A.?
NEXT OF KIN?
ROADHOUSE?
GRANDVIEW, U.S.A.?
TALL TALE: THE UNBELIEVABLE ADVENTURES OF PECOS BILL?

Off the top of my head, I can't think of a star who consistently made
so many terrible films, yet remained so popular.

Patrick Swayze was, however, a fine actor and great guy.

 

^^When you're in a schlocky classics like POINT BREAK and RED DAWN, your star will never die!


If i had to pick the worst movie i've seen Depp in, it would probably be "THE ASTRONAUT'S WIFE". Very generic.

Interesting story about how Depp credits Tim Burton for saving him from a life time of TEEN HEART THROB stuff.

 

Nah. He was and is still teen heartthrob stuff -- just for a different kind of teen.

 

i don't understand why people hate this movie so much. i think it's great, and ford is great in it.

 

Blow. Even Depp had to do one of those 90's "suitcase full of money or drugs" movies. I'd put this above The Astronaut's Wife because we still got a good performance out of Charlize Theron. I'd never seen her in a movie before and I was kind of taken to say the least.

 

"From Hell" was pretty bad.

 

Next: Eva Longoria

Carlita's Secret (2004)

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Costarring: Playboy Playmate Alejandra Gutierrez

Tagline: Before she was a 'Desperate Wife'...she had a little secret.

Exiled Straight: to DVD the same year that she first arrived on Wisteria Lane as a Desperate Housewife (and six years after she was crowned as Miss Corpus Christi), this cheapie stars Longoria as a smouldering dancer when she is blamed for a Miami nightclub murder that she didn't commit. Sadly, it's the only crime Longoria's not guilty of in this film, which was released after her equally obscure (and dreadful) Senorita Justice.

Most Embarrassing Moment: A famous female salsa dancer hits on Longoria by feeding her a maraschino cherry just like the one on her neck tattoo."


I don't know that you can say that this is Longoria's worst film when she's never been in a good one that I can recall.

 

I never understood why Eva 'Direct-to-Video' Longoria never stayed with television,
where she performs very well, but instead allows herself to be manipulated into making
bomb and near-bomb pictures one after another.

First she tried playing a series of 'tough latina cookie' roles as a detective, lawyer
and secret agent. Then she blundered her way through several disappointing comedies.

Last I heard, she was trying her hand at voice work.

 

That happens a lot, I think: TV actors leave to pursue their big screen career only to disappear. I wonder if agents advise against such moves, or encourage them with the hopes that their clients will make it big.

Weren't that rumors some time ago that Longoria would play The Wasp in the Avengers/Ant-Man franchise?

 

I will never understand the appeal of Longoria.

Actually got to sit behind her at a screening of "HARSH TIMES" at the Toronto Film Festival, many years back. She was short, loud and annoying!

 

Eva Longoria's worst movie...You got me. I'm stumped. Did she ever make a good movie?

If we're talking Evas here, I'll take Eva Green and Eva Mendes thank you very much.

 

Really? Eva Mendes is one of the handful of actors whose presence will keep me away from a movie.

As for Longoria, I don't think I've ever seen one of her movies, but Netflix guesses I'd like Señorita Justice the least (its estimate: 2 stars) and Harsh Times the most (its estimate: 3 stars).

 

The Sentinel was serviceable and she was decent in it. But other then that, I don't think I've seen anything close to good from Eva Longoria.

 

Well, to be honest, I don't really think of Mendes as an actress. I just think of her. Longoria, I actually actually find repellant. But if we were really getting to the nitty gritty of Evas, Eva Marie-Saint tops them all. Both gorgeous and a superb actress.

 

The Sentinel wasn't exactly a good movie, but there was nothing wrong with it, just not a lot to elevate it. Longoria was fine in it and, though I don't think I've ever seen a whole episode of Desperate Housewives, I confess that I think she's incredibly gorgeous.

 

Ben Affleck

"The Third Wheel" (2004)

[image=http://celebritywonder.ugo.com/img/movieposter/tn/2004_The_Third_Wheel.jpg]

Costarring: Luke Wilson and Denise Richards

Tagline: "The only thing they didn't have on their perfect date was any privacy."

Don't always help your friends. That's the lesson Afflect must have taken from this wafer-thin romantic comedy written by longtime amigo, Jay Lacopo. Obviously, Affleck's up-and-down career has withstood more blows than this disposable romantic comedy about a first date gone wrong could everdish out. But it's an interesting entry on his resume, as it was one of the first films produced by Affleck and Matt Damon's post "Good Will Hunting" media comedy. Not surprisingly, it sat on Miramax's shelf for three years. The good news is, it was finally released in theatres...in Italy.

Most Embarrassing Moment: Just when you thought Damon hasd the good sense to set this one out, he pops up near the end as Richard's smarmy ex."



Affleck was never a star (though Damon is), but he is a good director, and ought to stick with that.

 

When I saw the thread title I was expecting it to be "Gigli" for sure.

 

This

 

I think the criteria is bad and obscure.