The Acolyte Humorous Version (Spoilers!!!)

WARNING: THIS THREAD CONTAINS ACOLYTE SPOILERS!!!!

Note: A ground rule for all those who wish to participate in this Round Robin challenge:
Due to the way some perceive certain parts of this show, let's not make any jokes that could be construed by the Mods and Admins as hate speech. There is no need for it to make this thread funny.
TITLE: The Acolyte Humorous Version
SUBTITLE: The Aco-lite
AUTHORS: In order of appearance: study888, others who write to be edited into this line.
PLOT: 100 Years Before the Rise of the Empire, Dark Forces were afoot, though hidden from the Jedi. One of those Dark Warriors risks exposure to seek revenge. Also 40 years are added to Ki Adi Money Money's life and the Jedi become guilty of big cover up of monumental proportions involving the highest levels of the Jedi.
Rated: PG-13 for language and violence and sex-related humor.
Notes: Anyone can just jump in and write at any time, and also you may ask to be added to our group pm planning thread if you want to plan scenes ahead of time.

Now let's begin.

STAR WARS
THE HUMOROUS VERSIONS

As the SpeakPurpandVacParody Unlmtd Logo Flashes on the Screen, several characters in red and blue, either in helmets or Droids flash by in rapid succession.

Dot Matrix, a Battlestar Galactica Trooper, A man with a mop bucket on his head, Picture-In-Picture iphone Droid from the Present Media, Kindof Thin and Darth Vacuous, and See-Stinky-O

That will be for the whole series, not repeated at the beginning of all 8 Episodes of Season 1.
(That'll save me a lot of typing)

A hundred years before the rise of the Empire, it is a time of peas. The Jedi Order and the Galactic Republic have prospered for centuries without war.

But in the dark corners of the galaxy, a powerful few learn to use the Schwartz in secret.

One of them, a lone assassin (how lone is she actually anyway?), risks discovery to seek revenge....

Imagine if all eight Episodes of Season 1 had an opening crawl like this.

Anyway, the less typing, the better.

The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog's back.

Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country.

Every good boy does fine.


SC 01 EXT UDDER-DUSK

A lone figure approaches a port city. She wears a mysterious vail over half her face that she won't be wearing for the entire rest of the series, but it sure makes her look bada** while she is wearing it.

She offers a hapless alien creature 30 pieces of silver, blood money.

FANNIE MAY: Where is the Jedi?

ALIEN: (Mumbles something in an alien language.) Translation: Thanks for the dough, lady, try the bar.

SC 02 INT UDDER-LOCAL BAR-DUSK

FANNIE-MAY walks up to a table where a FEMALE HOODED JEDI MASTER is, and challenges her.

FANNIE-MAY: Master Indamatrix, we have unfinished business. Attack me with all your might.

Everyone at the table laughs uproariously as if this is funny.

INDAMATRIX: A Jedi does not attack an unarmed foe.

FANNIE MAY: Yes you do.

Then FANNIE MAY proceeds to open a general can of whupa** on everyone else in the bar almost, prompting MASTER INDAMATRIX to intervene. FLINT YEASTWOOD and WRATT EART and DOCS HOLIDAYS join in the fray, as INDAMATRIX and FANNIE MAY fight hand to hand with FORCE-FU, and INDAMATRIX uselessly asks MAY who trained her, as if she'd tell. FANNIE throws a dagger into a card player's head, who happens to be holding black aces and black eights. He keels over, sprawling face-first onto the table, dead. Outside, DIDN'T HEAR'IM kayaks a HORSE who spilt his milk. All while CAPTAIN HOOK plays a mean piano. THEN FANNIE MAY Force-Flips onto an above balcony, and INDAMATRIX follows her.

INDAMATRIX: (into commlink) I'm reporting an Unidentified Force-Using Flying Object.

A protracted knife and saber fight ensues. INDAMATRIX suddenly yanks down MAY's vail and says: "You!" Then MAY flings a knife at the BARTENDER. INDAMATRIX stops it with the FORCE, but fails to stop the knife FANNIE MAY plunges into her HEART. She dies.

As MAY walks out of the BAR, she tosses the BARTENDER THIRTY MORE PIECES OF SILVER.

FANNIE MAY: Sorry about the mess.

Edit: Added some important dialogue to my post.

 

"THE ACO-LITE" flashes in huge letters on a dark screen with the letters making a lunar eclipse.

SC 03 INT TRADING CONVENTION SHIP-CABIN

For the first of MANY times, one of the TWINS suddenly wakes up, sitting bolt upright in her bed. This time it is OSH-KOSH, also known as OCCUPATIOAL SAFETY AND HAZARD ASSOCIATION, but to be brief, we'll call her OSH-KOSH B'GOSH, or OSH-KOSH for short.

Her I-PHONE DROID PICTURE-IN-PICTURE, plays the song "You ain't nothin' but a hound dog' as OSH-KOSH gets out of bed.

OSH-KOSH: (laughs slightly) Good morning, PIP.

She walks over, picks him up and tunes him to a different station.

How sweet it IS to be loved by you.

OSH-KOSH: That's better. Thank you.

Suddenly red lights flash and a buzzer buzzes.

OSH-KOSH (CONT'D): Sounds like we got a job.

SC 04 INT TRADING CONVENTION SHIP-HALLWAY

As a GONK droid goes down the hallway, a MAN calls to OSH-KOSH.

PHILIP: Osh-Kosh, why didn't you come out last night? You missed a wild trip to Non-Shadow with the piloting crew.

OSH-KOSH: What I do on my days off is none of your business, Philip.

PHILIP: Ah, no rest for the wicked.

OSH-KOSH: The wicked rest, and they rest wild and sumptuously and drunkenly and forget about it all the next day. They just don't brag about it.

PHILIP: That's more than I needed to know.

OSH-KOSH: These Nematodans know how to party. And believe me, we par-tay! I'm sure it's not too dissimilar from what you and your crew did down on Non-Shadow.

PHILIP: Actually, come to think of it all we did was gamble and see an opera and visit an art gallery. Sounds like you were on this ship getting wasted.

OSH-KOSH: Wasted is an understatement! We were off da hook! Woooo!

PHILIP: Ok, I get the picture.

OSH-KOSH: What's the emergency?

PHILIP: Shield generator repairs. A stray shot from someone firing a random shot into the sky from a blaster down on the planet below damaged our shields. It was a fluke, I know, but these things happen.

SC 04 EXT SPACE-TRADING CONVENTION SHIP

OSH-KOSH emerges in a heavy-duty space suit. Her MAGNA BOOTS carry her to the shield damage.

SC 05 INT TRADING CONVENTION SHIP-BRIDGE

NEMATODAN 1: What is taking so long? Activate the shields now! Lest that drunk crazy b******* down there fires another shot at out ship.

NEMATODAN 2: Uh, Mech-Niks are on it, sir.

NEMATODAN 1: Why the hell aren't we using Astro-pop Droids?

NEMATODAN 2: To give Osh-Kosh an awesome introduction in this story, sir.

SC 06 EXT SPACE-TRADING CONVENTION SHIP-HULL

OSH-KOSH: (singing) The emitter duct is connected to the hip bone, the hip bone is connected....

With the help of PHILIP and PIP, she begins to fix the shield.

OSH-KOSH: I'll weld it together. (Starts welding using PIP)

PHILIP: Wait. The pressure gauge is spiking.

Suddenly there is a burst of flames, and OSH-KOSH has a flash back to her child-hood.

FLASH BACK VOICES: Mama! Mama!

PHILIP: Stop messing around Osh-Kosh.

OSH-KOSH: I'm not messing around, Philip I'm experiencing PTSD here. (Grabs PIP off her belt) I got it, PIP.

She sprays fire suppressant from PIP to extinguish the flames. Then she looks up and sees a Jedi ship docking with the Trading Convention ship.

PHILIP: Friends of yours?




Just a reminder that this is a Round Robin and others may contribute to this story.

 

Well, no takers yet (I hope someone else contributes soon because I hogged the entire rest of the ROTS HV thread already, plus most of it was already written already because it composed the prologue of Kenobi HV and I wanted to get it done, but it could have used a different perspective before the end, oh well, it's finished now, so....) so I'll compose another scene or set of scenes. I actually LIKE the Acolyte. A lot. But imitation is the best form of flattery they say. Sometimes when you really like someone or something you tease or make fun of it a lot. That's what some of us do with Star Wars.

I invite commentary and concrit for my contributions. Feedback is o so appreciated. When everyone is silent I honestly don't know what to think. Do they like it? Hate it? Who knows. How can I know if it gets a lot of views but not a single compliment or concrit at all.

Well, here we go with more......

SC 07 INT TRADER CONVENTION SHIP-HALLWAY

Two JEDI, a male and a female, march purposefully side by side down the TRADER CONVENTION SHIP hallway. They approach the male NEMATODAN.

NEMATODAN: To what do we owe the pleasure of Jedi presence on our humble ship?

YODEL HORDEFANS: My name is Yodel Hordefans, Knight of the Jedi Order. And this is my Paddleone, Tall Lowbigears. We are looking for a former Jedi named Occupational Safety and Hazard Association Aquifina.

NEMATODAN: What is your business with her? I assure you she passed her Material Safety Data Sheets. Besides, this is a cargo ship. We.......have no passengers. You must be mistaken. You assume too much. We would never do anything without the approval of the Senate. Lord Sideous promised us peas.

YODEL (Gives him a confused but determined look): She's a Meknik. Not an AstroPop Droid, but a human Meknik. (Waves hand) and Credits WILL do fine.

NEMATODAN: Credits WILL do fine.....I don't need to see your identification.

FEMALE NEMATODAN: Uh, Sub-Level. Bunk 23.

YODEL: Thank you for your "cooperation".

SC 08 INT BIG BAD FEDERATION CARGO SHIP-SUB LEVEL BUNK 23

OSH-KOSH B'GOSH walks forward and opens her bunk door. Sitting on her bed is YODEL HORDEFANS, who gets up.

OSH-KOSH: Yodel? (laughs, walks in to her bunk, nods.) They embrace and she shoves her tongue down his mouth.)

2 HOURS LATER

YODEL and OSH-KOSH are sitting next to each other on the bed, close.

OSH-KOSH: You finally passed your trials.

YODEL: That was one helluva way to celebrate my Knighthood two years ago.

OSH-KOSH : Are there any other women in your life now?

YODEL: Nope. You're the only girl for me unfortunately.

OSH-KOSH: Unfortunately??

YODEL: I never thought that I would see you again. CorpSec is about as far away from Cordlesscurrent as you can get.

OSH KOSH: So, um, what are you doing here then? And why unfortunately?

YODEL stands up and faces her and his hand goes to his brightsabre. His face goes grim.

OSH-KOSH: Yodel, what the ****, and right after you made passionate love to me!

Yodel sighs. Tall Lowbigears walks in to the cabin.

YODEL: I think it's best you take a seat.

OSH-KOSH: I'm already sitting.

YODEL: I say that line in the show. Now stay sitting.

OSH-KOSH: Do I have a choice?

YODEL: No.

TALL: How long have you been a Meknik?

PIP: You don't have to answer that without a lawyer present, Osha.

OSH-KOSH: It's okay, PIP. I trust the Jedi, well I won't by the end of this show, but I trust the Jedi NOW. So I'll answer. Since I left the Order, so Six years.

TALL: Dangerous job.

PIP: No ****, Ms. Sherlock!

OSH-KOSH: Quiet, PIP. (To Tall Lowbigears): The job has its perks....Look, I was trained to be a Jedi. When that didn't pan out, those skills aren't exactly, uh transferable, you know, non transferable like my bank credit or my prize ticket I purchased last week....anyway, I needed a paycheck.

TALL: When did you join the Order, Osh-Kosh?

PIP: The b**** already knows the answer to that question, Osha.

OSH-KOSH: Shut UP, PIP. ...When I was eight. Yodel knows all of this.

TALL: A major concern about admitting you to the Order was your age.

YODEL: And the fact that you were mourning.

PIP: Cut the **** and get to the point you two!

Whack

PIP: Ow!

OSH-KOSH: My circumstances were unique but the Council made their decision.

YODEL: You lost your entire family. Your mothers, your sister. Your village, all died in the fire before master Squid Game brought you into the Jedi. Your training was difficult to say the least. Attachments to those we have lost are the most difficult to let go.

PIP: (Whispering to Osha) I can spray fire suppressant in their eyes while you make a run for it and no one will be the wiser. You can't trust these Jedi, Osha.

OSH-KOSH: (Whispering back) they raised me half my life! Of course I can trust them! (To Jedi): So, why are you here?

TALL: Last night, a Jedi was murdered on Udder.

OSH-KOSH: Who?

YODEL: Master Indamatrix.

TALL: The suspect matched your description.

OSH-KOSH (incredulous): You think that I killed her?

TALL: Where were you last night?

OSH-KOSH: Uh, ... on this ship. I was high as a kite. Just ask Larry the Nematodan. He was just as wasted as I was. It was a big dark blur. Actually I'm not sure where I was. But I wasn't on Udder!

YODEL: How do you know. You were out of your mind. You could have been anywhere.

OSH-KOSH: Why would I kill Indamatrix?

YODEL: If I recall correctly, Master Indamatrix advised the Jedi Council to discontinue your Jedi training when you were--

OSH-KOSH: Leaving the Jedi Order was the hardest thing that I've ever done, but it was my decision. No one else's. You really think I'm capable of betraying the Order? Overpowering a Jedi Master and murdering her? How many arms do I have? Two. Only a one-armed woman is capable of murder.

A COP (Watching the proceedings from behind one-way glass): Book her.

Door opens. Bartender from Udder walks in, points.

BARTENDER: That's her! She killed the Jedi! And ruined my bar.

YODEL: (Shakes his head) It doesn't matter what I think.

SC 09 INT BIG BAD FEDERATION CARGO SHIP-HALLWAY

OSHA is walking down the hallway with PIP.

PIP: I think 'I told you so' just doesn't cut it.

TALL: Now that you've been identified, a prison transport will take you back to CorpsesRUs.

YODEL and OSHA give each other a look. Must be a October reference. That one was particularly sick.

OSHA: (Walks ahead of YODEL) You're making a mistake.

OSH-KOSH is committed to the care of a DROID that looks like Iron Man from MCU. They walk down a formidable metallic hallway.

SC 10 EXT BIG BAD FEDERATION CARGO SHIP

The smaller ship departs from the bigger ship.

 

Really well written and certainly does add some humor to one of my favourite shows of the star wars universe, great work.

 

Thanks Taylor! Appreciated!

SC 11 EXT CHORALECHANT-TEMPLE OF DOOM-DAY

The golden spires of the TEMPLE OF DOOM glisten - wait! Where are the traffic lanes?
The budget was higher than the budget for Revenge of the Sith and there are no traffic lanes? NOOOOOOO!

Edit put a scene with my comment.