The Diary of Callista Masana, Digital Troll [Dear Diary Challenge 2023, Callista, Humour]

Title: The Diary of Callista Masana, Digital Troll
Author(s): UltramassiveUbersue
Timeframe: Legends Saga & Beyond
Characters: Callista Masana
Genre: Humour
Keywords: Diary Challenge, Callista, Humour, crack!fic
Summary: Disembodied Jedi Knight Callista Masana is trapped in the Eye of Palpatine's computer and is very, very bored.
Notes: My official participation in the 2023 Dear Diary Challenge!
***Edit:
This is the premise of the fantastic fic-gift that @Nehru_Amidala wrote for me, A Day in the Virtual Life, from My Fair Dameron and Two Others, as her response to the 2022 Non-Denominational Holiday Fic-Gift Exchange!

She made such a wonderfully affecting story out my goofy premise, romance extraordinaire that she is!

*****

Index of Entries:
Entry #1: "Haiku #3122"

Entry #2: "A Woman of Culture"

Entry #3: "Karaoke Party"

Entry #4: "Karaoke Party II"

Entry #5: "Cursed Beauty"

Entry #6: "The Pleasure Isn't All Mine"

Entry #7: "Haiku #3123", "Haiku #3124", "Haiku #3125", "Haiku #3126"

Entry #8: "Haiku #3137", "Haiku #3138", "Haiku #3139"

Entry #9: "Haiku #3140"

Entry #10: "Haiku #3141"

Entry #11: "A Noble Rose"

Entry #12: "I'm Blue"

Entry #13: "Let Me See That Discovery Channel"

Entry #14: "Da Ba Dee, Da Ba Di?"

Entry #15: "Haiku #3142"

 

"Haiku #3122"

Boredom fills my skull
Read my hot Jedi fanfic
Ladies love Qui-Gon

 

"A Woman of Culture"

Asay aay omanway ofay ulturecay, Iay amay earninglay igpay atinlay.

 

"Karaoke Party"

Who used to have two thumbs and found a stash of music files? This girl! So you know what this means.... karaoke party!

We were at a party
His ear lobe fell in the deep
Someone reached in and grabbed it
Was a ROCK LOBSTER!

Rock lobster!

Rock lobster!

We were at the beach
Everybody had matching towels
Somebody went under a dock
And there they saw a rock
It wasn't a rock
Was a ROCK LOBSTER!

Rock lobster!

ROCK LOBSTER!

 

Can it be? Callista, written sympathetically? Oh, this looks like it will be fun!

 

1. After all these years, here it is: an entry that is a haiku. (Did you notice that in the "rulez," or is this just a coincidence? Either way, I'm impressed at how the legend of Qui-Gon's prowess endures after all those years.)

2. ROCK LOBSTER!



(Once Callista has this injected into her computer-brain, she can then use the time to consider the serious ramifications of Fred Schneider's pornstache, and his cowbell.)

 

I'm trying to make a safe space for all the Callista fans out there. I know they exist.
I'm having a stupid amount of fun with this already!

Am I really the first? I saw it in teh rulez and was so inspired!

Well, once a Jedi Master openly expresses an ideology in support of romantic attachments, rumours are going to start flying.

I'm hanging that in the Moustache Hall of Glory next to Lando Calrissian's.

 

Callista, this should be fun getting that computer character its due for seducing Luke

 

I really enjoyed bored ghost! Callista from your earlier gift-fic, so a whole year of this is very promising!

A-plus space haiku, this has everything.

Callista is a (after)lifelong learner, for sure.

Really, what else is there to do when stuck in a computer?

 

That's the hope! Thanks for reading!

@Nehru_Amidala really impressed me with her response to the challenge. For those who haven't read it yet, it's part two of My Fair Dameron and Two Others, A Day in the Virtual Life.

Thanks!

A Jedi always strives for self-improvement.

I was impressed by how chill she was by the time Luke met her, so I assumed there must be a great karaoke selection.

 

Whoops, you are right, I meant to reference @Nehru_Amidala 's gift-fic to you! Love that story, and glad that you're also tackling the idea with that awesome fic for inspiration!

 

Callista was done dirty by the publishing schedule and then bitterly abused by FotJ (though, in fairness, so was everybody else). She deserves a chance to laugh.

 

I appreciated the reminder, since I forgot to mention her awesome fic in my author's note in the first place...

Profic is so mean!
I read CotJ before TTT, so I was really confused at why Luke suddenly had all these irreconcilable differences with his new boo. And my first introduction to Mara Jade was when she was wearing Lando's shirt... Why'd they have to retcon that? What does profic have against women having a good time? And why does everyone have to suffer so much?

Anyway, back to the silliness.
****


"Karaoke Party II"

Psycho killer, qu'est-ce que c'est?
Fa-fa-fa faaa fa-fa fa-fa faa faa, better
Run run run run, run run run awaaaaay
Oh, oh, oh
Psycho killer, q'est-ce que c'est?
Fa-fa-fa faaa fa-fa fa-fa faa faa, better
Run run run run, run run run awaaaaaay
Oh-oh-oh-ohhhhhhhhhhhh aye-yaye-yaye-yaye

Ce que j'ai fait, ce soir-là
Ce qu'elle a dit, ce soir-là
Réalisant mon espoir
Je me lance, vers a gloire, okaaaaaaaaaaaay
Ay-yay-yay-yay-yay-yay-yay-yay-yay-yay-yay-yeah!

 

The B-52s & the Talking Heads?!?!?! I think I might faint, lol.

Excellent so far, UltramassiveUbersue!

 

French mixed with English. Will there be some sriwook too?

 

Thank you!

I don't know, but I'll bet Chewie would be a lot of fun at a karaoke party.

 

"Cursed Beauty"

Crystal Savana had violet eyes that matched her lightsaber and wavy, white-blond hair that shimmered in the moonlight. Her skin was like porcelain, her lips and cheeks seemed to be painted a delicate pink, and her smile shone like a necklace of pearls. She was like a doll that could beat you up and steal your ship.

Her beauty was a curse more often than not. The Jedi Order was losing a lot of good Knights as they begged her to break her vows with them. It was getting to be a real problem-- so many young men had confessed to being driven mad by her heaving bosom that she had to stop wearing her beloved silver embroidered corsets.

She walked briskly back to her room, her midnight blue robe billowing behind her like a sparking thundercloud, and sighed in dismay as she found a single long-stemmed snow-rose on her pillow-- an expensive cultivar whose petals shimmered like her hair. This was not the first time she was honour-bound to return a stolen rose.

A notecard caught her eye, and its fine calligraphy read:

"Dear Knight Savana,

This rose is not stolen. It is a gift from me to Knight Qui-Gon Jinn for saving my life."

Qui-Gon Jinn? She had heard about that lothario.

The note continued:

"I can also assure you that Knight Jinn's intentions are honourable. He has heard of your troubles and would like you to be able to keep one of your roses for once.

Sincerely,
Danika the Florist"

 

Yeah, yeah? 'Driven mad' sounds like a fine evening, if she's involved.

 

It was a fine evening at the gym as long as everyone kept their madness to themselves.

 

a seducing Jedi-knight? And Jinn involved? Where does she get THAT

 

Well she said ladies love Qui-Gon.

On another note, I'm accepting any and all requests for cheesy romance tropes to appear in Callista's fanfic. Thank you, @Vek Talis for the suggestion of the hand kiss m'lady greeting, and you're welcome for the heaving bosoms.
***

"The Pleasure Isn't All Mine"

Crystal heard a knock at her door and startled; she sensed a stranger behind the door, and impulsively threw off her robe and tossed it onto the bed to hide the rose and its note. She opened the door, and what she saw took her breath away.

The Jedi was tall, with piercing grey eyes, and long brown hair flowing in the breeze. He wore a single wrap tunic tied loosely at the side, revealing much of his tanned and toned chest. He wore his long lightsaber on a low-slung belt, and, seeing her staring, gave her a rakish grin.

Crystal blushed, but stamped out that feeling and raised her chin defiantly. "Good evening," she said. "Knight Jinn, I presume?"

"And why would you presume that, Knight Savana?" he asked, sexily.

She blushed even more, and controlled the pace of her breathing, lest Knight Jinn be driven mad by her heaving bosom. "Intuition," she said quickly.

"Your intuition serves you well, m'lady," he said, taking her hand and raising it to his lips. "It is I."

"It's a pleasure to meet you," she breathed.

"I'm glad the pleasure isn't all mine." He gave her a smoldering look. "Aren't you going to thank me for the gift?"

 

A hidden and forbidden romance. Jinn and Crystal. Great banter

 

Poor Qui-Gon, he has no idea what he's getting himself into.

Brava! Encore!

 

Thank you!

Thank you very much!

Thanks, I'm glad you're enjoying it! Since you're encouraging me, I suppose I have no choice but to provide more Harlequin!Qui-Gon.