Saga - OT The Disturbing Tale of Nobot

Title: The Disturbing Tale of Nobot
Author: rktho_writes
Characters: Original characters, Nobot, Watto, Jira (mentioned)
Genre: HoloNet vodcast transcript
Timeline: ~0 BBY
Summary: A pair of paranormal investigators— or, more accurately, one paranormal investigator and his skeptical cohost— head to Tatooine to investigate one of its creepiest cryptids.

​

RANE:
This week we’re here to investigate the case of Nobot, a ghostly protocol droid that wanders the streets of Mos Espa, Tatooine, as part of our ongoing mission to answer the question: do ghosts exist?

SHEEN:
This one I’m actually excited for because this is a real droid that people have seen wandering around.

RANE:
Yeah, that’s exactly why I’m not excited about it.

SHEEN:
This is the first time you’ve presented a case with some tangible evidence. Like normally, when we go to like, haunted houses or space stations it’s just, like, a bunch of creepy, empty rooms and we never even see a ghost, but if we can actually track down this thing, we can talk to it, maybe even touch it.

RANE:
I’m not touching it.

SHEEN:
Oh, you’re gonna touch it.

RANE (V.O.):
Around twenty years before the formation of the Empire, a mysterious 3PO-series protocol droid appeared in the streets of Mos Espa. When inquired as to its owner, the droid remained silent, and upon investigation, its serial number was revealed to be scored off. The droid’s vocabulator was damaged, only allowing it to emit a low, almost imperceptible groan. Because of its unverifiable identity, the droid came to be known as “Nobot.”

SHEEN:
Where do— where do you find the serial number on your 3PO unit, anyway? I’ve never owned a protocol droid. Is it like, on the booty somewhere?

RANE:
It’s on the back.

SHEEN:
The backside, or…?

RANE:
No, like its actual back. There’s a box panel between where the shoulder blades would be with the serial number written on the side.

SHEEN:
And how long is this serial number, generally?

RANE:
I dunno, like, fifteen digits?

SHEEN:
Fifteen digits.

RANE:
I think so.

SHEEN:
And they couldn’t make out, like, one digit that wasn’t scratched off?

RANE:
It doesn’t say. I’m sure if any part of the number was readable, they’d mention it.

SHEEN:
Well, if we find this droid, maybe we can take a peek.

RANE:
Oh craters. Oh boy…

SHEEN:
Maybe it’s not scored off, you know? Maybe it’s printed somewhere else. I think they should check the butt, just to see if there’s any info there. There could be like, a backup number in case the first one’s missing or something.

RANE:
That’s not where they’d put the backup number.

SHEEN:
That would make the most sense to me. Back up that backup number, ya big hunk.

RANE:
That— I don’t need that image.

SHEEN:
[imitating a truckspeeder in reverse] Beep… beep… beep…

RANE:
[heavy sigh]

SHEEN:
Gonna ogle that bot booty, see if I can score some digits.

RANE:
Technically they’re already scored. They’re scored off.

SHEEN:
Not on the booty though. Backup digits.

RANE (V.O.):
The droid known as Nobot would habitually and aimlessly wander as far as the Dune Sea, but it would always return to Mos Espa. According to one popular account, “Nobot” had been the witness to the gruesome murder of a young pregnant woman. Urban legend alleges that the droid arrived in Mos Espa covered in blaster scorches and dried blood, and will sometimes play back a static-filled recording of the murder to which it supposedly bore witness. The woman in the recording is said to be heard screaming and pleading for her life in Huttese. The recording ends with a shrill scream and a burst of long static. If one stuck around too long after the recording ended, the droid would play it again, with some accounts alleging that the droid would move toward the listener the second time with its hand outstretched.

SHEEN:
How did they figure the murder victim was pregnant?

RANE:
I… I don’t know.

SHEEN:
What about that recording made people just assume the screaming woman, you know, had one in the oven? Were they just like, “Well obviously if she wasn’t pregnant she would’ve been able to get away, you know pregnant people can’t move very fast,” you know, they’re like…

RANE:
…That’s how you think pregnant people move when they’re trying to avoid being murdered?

SHEEN:
Let’s— let’s— let’s see yours.

RANE:
I’d like to apologize, on behalf of my friend, to all the pregnant people watching this, for what you just saw.

SHEEN:
I nailed it. They’ll back me up.

RANE:
I have never seen anyone do that with their arms.

SHEEN:
Hey— Hey, Waz Crevin. Haunted droid holo. Pregnant murder victim. I’m your man right here. Call my agent any time.

RANE:
I don’t think Waz Crevin watches this show.

SHEEN:
How else is he supposed to come up with this creepy horror stuff?

RANE:
Where do you think we come up with this creepy horror stuff?

SHEEN:
I assume that crazy people give you a com call like, “Hey, come check out our crazy… haunted… definitely-not-a-hoax thing we’ve got here. Put us on the HoloNet.”

RANE:
[sigh]

SHEEN:
Is that not how it happens?

RANE:
…Not all the time.

SHEEN:
How much of the time?

RANE:
Can we keep talking about the haunted robot?

RANE (V.O.):
Many alleged sightings report unusual occurrences in connection with the mysterious droid. Certain citizens have reported hearing soft mechanical footsteps in the sand behind them after passing the droid on the street. Some report seeing droid-shaped footprints outside their homes, despite not owning a protocol droid themselves. Jawas report that scavenging parties who attempt to acquire the droid will find that it has suddenly vanished from their cargo holds. In other instances, it is the Jawas who vanish, leaving their sandcrawlers deserted. Tuskens taking potshots at the droid for target practice find their weapons backfiring or jamming.

SHEEN:
Okay, if nobody can shoot this droid, how is it covered in scorch marks? Were people able to shoot it before?

RANE:
I mean, maybe people are just bad shots?

SHEEN:
Oh, that sounds like a challenge.

RANE:
Do not shoot the droid.

SHEEN:
I’m gonna shoot the droid.

RANE:
Do not shoot the— You’re gonna bring a curse on us!

SHEEN:
Even better!

RANE:
What if it bounces off and kills you?

SHEEN:
Heck of a 3PO unit.

RANE:
First you want to talk to the droid, now you want to shoot it?

SHEEN:
I can do both.

RANE:
[groan]

SHEEN:
I can talk to it and then shoot it.

RANE:
Honestly, that just seems rude.

SHEEN:
No, no, I’ll ask him real nicely. “Hey— Mr. Nobot—? Can— can you let me shoot you? I’ll give you five credits. Go stand over there real quick.”

RANE:
I don’t think he’d let you shoot him for five credits.

SHEEN:
Ten credits. And an autograph.

RANE:
Oh, sure.

SHEEN:
Maybe you give him your autograph, too, just sign it across his chest in big letters with a marker.

RANE:
Sweeten the deal, why not.

SHEEN:
I’d let me shoot me for my autograph and ten credits.

RANE:
Would you let me shoot you for my autograph?

SHEEN:
I’d have to think about it. If it was just yours and not both of ours, I’d have to think about it.

RANE:
Hey— ten credits.

SHEEN:
…
Yeah, I’d do it.

RANE:
Thanks, Sheen.

SHEEN:
You’re welcome, Rane.

RANE (V.O.):
Many have attempted to destroy Nobot with no success. Swoop gangs would attempt to destroy the droid by attaching hooks and chains to it and the backs of their speeders, only for their vehicles to suffer engine malfunctions. A common, less elaborate tactic still in practice is to seize the droid, place it in the back of a landspeeder with a restraining bolt, and drive it out into the middle of the desert. According to everyone who has attempted to dispose of Nobot in this way, the droid will always find its way back, even when forcibly disassembled beforehand. One man by the name of Murk Jackhopper claims that he and a group of friends even took the droid apart and threw the pieces into the sarlacc at the Pit of Carkoon. The droid was seen in the Mos Espa vicinity less than twenty-four standard hours later.

SHEEN:
Do you think maybe they got the wrong droid? Like they just took apart some random protocol droid and fed it to the sarlacc while the real Nobot was just chilling back in the town the whole time?

RANE:
[snorts] I mean, maybe? I mean that’s got to have happened at least once, right?

SHEEN:
Imagine coming back like, “Hey guys, I just threw the creepy ghost droid into the sarlacc pit!” and everybody’s like “What are you talking about? He was just looking in my window!”

RANE:
[wheeze]

SHEEN:
“Hey, has anybody seen my Jaythree? My poor J-3PO’s gone missing!” “Oh, uh, it wasn’t me, I just kidnapped and disassembled a completely different droid and threw it in the sarlacc pit.”

RANE:
“What color was it?”

SHEEN:
“It was, uh, droid-colored, I don’t know.”

RANE:
Just a regular droid-colored droid there.

RANE (V.O.):
Now that we’ve researched the legend behind Nobot, we’re ready to tour some of his most popular haunts and see if we can catch a glimpse of, or even come face to face with, the mysterious protocol droid. Along the way, we’ll be able to interview locals around town and gather eyewitness reports of encounters with the enigmatic Nobot.

[street chatter]

RANE:
Okay, Nobot is said to walk down this street fairly often.

SHEEN:
This is the most anxious I’ve seen you in broad daylight.

RANE:
I don’t know what I’ll do if we run into him!

SHEEN:
Shake his hand.

RANE:
Ohhh…

SHEEN:
There’s a decent crowd here. I’d be more afraid of pickpockets than a haunted robot.

RANE:
The fact that he could walk by at any time…

SHEEN:
Or he could be following us.

RANE:
Don’t!

SHEEN:
He could be walking behind us right now, blending in with the crowd.

RANE:
Okay, I know you’re just joking, but I can feel him staring at me and I don’t like it.

SHEEN:
I’m not joking. You said this is a real robot, right?

RANE:
Yeah…

SHEEN:
It’s not like, an apparition or something. This is a solid, tangible droid that just happens to be extremely creepy. Nothing supernatural about it.

RANE:
Some people say it’s possessed by evil spirits.

SHEEN:
You know, why can’t it just be a normal droid?

RANE:
I’m just saying there’s a distinct possibility that— [screams]

DROID:
May I help you, sirs?

RANE:
Oh… phew… It’s just a normal…

SHEEN:
Do you have any recordings of a screaming woman that you could play for us?

DROID:
I beg your pardon?

RANE:
Sorry. Sorry. I just thought you were another droid.

SHEEN:
How long has that eye been burnt out?

DROID:
Oh, just recently, sir. I’ve been bumping into things since yesterday.

SHEEN:
That explains why he walks like that.

RANE:
Do you know anything about a droid called Nobot?

DROID:
Er— I’m terribly sorry, good sirs, I have to leave immediately. Good day to you!

…

SHEEN:
I think that droid’s more of a scaredy-cat than you are.

RANE:
Let’s keep walking.

[later]

SHEEN:
Which way is this Watto guy’s place?

RANE:
I think it’s just the next turn here.

SHEEN:
Hey, look at that old guy. I bet he knows something.

RANE:
Excuse me! Sir? Sir!

SHEEN:
Sir, do you happen to know anything about a haunted droid?

MAN:
You don’t want to ask me any questions.

SHEEN:
Just this one. Can you tell us anything about—

MAN:
Look, I’m really quite busy and I don’t want to be part of whatever you’re filming.

RANE:
Sorry for the inconvenience, sir.

MAN:
[distantly, off-camera] Good day.

SHEEN:
That guy seemed weirdly camera-shy, don’t you think, Rane? He was really tugging on his hood back there.

RANE:
Probably just in a hurry.

SHEEN:
Probably wanted to get on home so he could get his afternoon caf fix.

RANE:
That was a humidifier.

SHEEN:
Do you think he’d let us borrow it? I’m drying up something furious out here.

RANE:
It’ll be cooler once we get inside. … Here we are.

[bell chimes]

WATTO:
Hi chuba da naga?

SHEEN:
We’re here to ask you about Nobot? We heard you might know something.

WATTO:
Ah, yes, Nobot… Well, whaddaya wanna know, eh?

SHEEN:
You seen him recently? We’d love to get in touch with him.

WATTO:
You want to get in touch with that crazy droid?

RANE:
I mean, no, but yes.

WATTO:
[muttering] Outlanders… I, ah, might have seen it walking around the other day or so, but, ah, my uh, memory isn’t what it used to be, eh? Maybe you could help me remember…

RANE:
Here.

WATTO:
You can do better than that, I think.

RANE:
Alright, here.

WATTO:
It came through just yesterday. Last I heard, it was headed towards Mos Pelgo. You’re, uh, sure you want to go looking for it?

RANE:
[quietly] No.

SHEEN:
Absolutely.

WATTO:
Nobody bothers with that droid anymore. It’s just a broken down piece of junk. Not that junk doesn’t have its uses, eh? But a droid like that’s not worth the trouble.

SHEEN:
I’ve heard there’s a recording the droid plays over and over. Have you heard this recording?

WATTO:
No, never.

RANE:
Do you know of anyone who’s heard it?

WATTO:
My information isn’t cheap, you know.

RANE:
I’m not giving you any more money.

SHEEN:
I got it. So can you tell us anything about the recording?

WATTO:
I had a couple friends who say they heard it, but I don’t know if they’re, eh, reliable.

RANE:
Do you have any theories as to where it came from?

WATTO:
What, the droid? There are a million old droids wandering around the desert. There’s nothing special about this one.

SHEEN:
What about this murder he supposedly witnessed?

WATTO:
Witnessed! Ha! That droid was more than a witness, I think.

RANE:
You think he murdered the woman?

WATTO:
You know, it’s not mine to say. But I think it’s pretty likely, eh? I’ve always had a bad feeling about that droid.

RANE:
[voice noticeably higher] Well, thank you for your time, Watto.

WATTO:
I don’t suppose I could interest you in a few wares, eh? You know… business is not what it used to be…

SHEEN:
You got any commemorative tunics?

RANE:
Time to go.

SHEEN:
Stickers? Action figures? Caf mugs?

RANE:
We’ve got other people to interview.

SHEEN:
I want some Nobot merch!

RANE:
He doesn’t have any Nobot merch, Sheen.

WATTO:
Hey, now, uh, let’s not be too hasty, eh? I could always look in the back for something…

RANE:
Have a good day, sir!

WATTO:
Wait, wait! [hovering in front of the camera] Watto’s Junkshop, Mos Espa, Tatooine! We got real good prices down here, yeah? I just got a HoloNet page, you can look us up on…

RANE:
Goodbye, sir!

[later]

SHEEN:
You know what, Rane? I don’t need any Nobot merch anyway.

RANE:
Okay, good.

SHEEN:
I’m gonna take the real Nobot home.

RANE:
ABSOLUTELY NOT.

SHEEN:
I bet he’d really appreciate a nice change of scenery.

RANE:
I am not letting you bring a kriffing ghost droid on my ship.

SHEEN:
Alright, I’ll bring it home in that abandoned ship we explored last time we came here. What was it called, the Dirty Duck?

RANE:
Sheen, I swear, if you actually bring home any haunted artifacts from this planet, I’m putting ray shields around my house.

SHEEN:
You wouldn’t let me bring anything home from Dathomir either.

RANE:
Well, that was a legal issue.

SHEEN:
I don’t think you should need a license to have a baby rancor, to be honest.

RANE:
I know.

RANE (V.O.):
Our next interviewee was resident Nobotologist, Goba Wadamino. Ms. Wadamino has dedicated years to studying the mechanical phenomenon known as Nobot and may be able to shed some light as to the truth of its origins.

SHEEN:
So do you think that Nobot is real? I mean, you know.

GOBA:
I definitely believe that this is a very traumatized machine.

RANE:
What do you mean by that?

GOBA:
Well, when I say trauma— like when you get a blow to the head, we say that’s a traumatic injury.

RANE:
Yeah, I got you.

SHEEN:
Yeah, okay.

GOBA:
I think that there’s something wrong with this droid. I mean it’s obvious that it’s suffered extensive damage based on the scorch marks and the vocabulator which is apparently broken in some way, not to mention all the times people have attempted to take it apart or destroy it—

RANE:
Do you think that it’s a murder witness?

GOBA:
There are some people who have studied this droid, the phenomenon of this apparent empty shell of a machine, and think it’s just a damaged robot. I do find it very plausible that it witnessed some kind of traumatic event, like a murder, that it maybe was involved in something very damaging to it. Whether it was a pregnant woman getting murdered, I can’t say. I mean, I believe it. I believe that was what happened. There’s some evidence that suggests that to be the case.

RANE:
Have you heard the alleged recording of the murder?

GOBA:
I believe it exists.

RANE:
You haven’t heard it for yourself?

GOBA:
When a droid is damaged in this way, it can— do funny things, like play back a recording of an event that it witnessed, especially if its memory is impacted by the event, it can revert to a state before the memory crash. You see this when you reboot droids who’ve suffered memory crashes, their mental state will just continue from there for a while while the backup files are being uploaded, and sometimes something can stop those files from processing and you get this droid that’s just constantly stuck in this one moment. So I haven’t heard it for myself, but I’ve heard other people say they heard it, and I believe that people have heard it, because that is a thing that can happen.

SHEEN:
Do you think it’s possessed by demons?

GOBA:
I’m a big believer in the supernatural, I do believe that the trauma this droid has experienced could invite certain entities that could have taken over its programming. If, maybe, the droid has some kind of influence over it brought on by spirits or other supernatural forces, that could explain much of its behavior and some of the legends that— regarding it. There’s specific deities and spirits that people have ascribed it to— Tusken deities, Hutt demons— or, for example, ghosts of farmers who were killed in speeder accidents, people who got caught in sandstorms, you’ll have people murdered by Tuskens, Tuskens murdered by settlers, you know, looking for revenge— A lot of people say— It’s a popular theory that the spirit that the droid is possessed with is the spirit of the woman who was murdered, or maybe her child, which is why he doesn’t talk, because an unborn baby wouldn’t talk.

SHEEN:
Do you think the droid was the murderer?

GOBA:
I don’t know. That’s not a theory that— it really depends on what your viewpoint is. You hear stories that the droid arrived in town covered not just in— in scorch marks, but in blood, and there’s not really anything that corroborates that, but at the same time there’s nothing that would lead us to the identity of the murderer. People claim to know the woman, say “oh, this was a friend of mine” or “I saw a woman with a droid like that,” but it’s all inconclusive, you know, none of the stories match up. I think that if we have— we have a lot of evidence pointing to the droid, we have even more evidence pointing somewhere else, but we don’t know where that evidence goes, there’s all these puzzle pieces we don’t know how it fits together, maybe they lead back to the droid, but we don’t know.

RANE:
If you could communicate with Nobot, what would you say to it?

GOBA:
I’ve actually met this droid several times, you know, I have to get close to it in order to learn about it, and I do feel— really close to this droid, really close with this droid. And I think it’s— it’s a very vulnerable thing, and it might not want to open up, or maybe its programming won’t let it. I talk to the droid— when I’ve talked to this droid, I think it understands, sometimes. You get the sense that it wants to say something. And then the rest of the time, you know, it’s off in its own little world, possibly reliving that moment, you know, that moment where it was transformed into what it is now.

SHEEN:
How has this droid not run out of juice by now? Why is it still around?

RANE:
It’s like, what, forty years old at this point?

GOBA:
Well, we don’t know. You know, nobody knows, exactly, when it came to town, you know, some say it was forty years ago, some say it was longer— a lot of people say it was about fifty-six years ago. The model is a pretty old one now, over a hundred years old at this point, but they’re resilient. These 3PO units, they can last a long time. We don’t exactly know where it gets its power— you know I think it might have run out of power a long time ago, and that’s why I think there are spirits involved. But other people wouldn’t say that, they’d say it steals power from other droids or from Jawas or that someone has been giving it power. That’s one thing is, you never hear about people seeing it recharging, it doesn’t shut down, but sometimes you’ll hear stories where it’s hooked up to another droid.

SHEEN:
Like a vampire.

GOBA:
Like a vampire, sure.

RANE:
Oh, great.

RANE (V.O.):
Our last interview was with a local whose grandmother was known to tell stories of the mysterious Nobot.

SHEEN:
You the Nobot stories guy?

SORA:
Well, my grandma told the stories, but yes.

RANE:
It’s nice to meet you, Sora.

SHEEN:
Likewise.

SORA:
Nice to meet you.

RANE:
Your grandma used to tell people about this robot for fifty credits, right?

SORA:
Two peggats. That’d be about forty credits by now.

SHEEN:
Are you going to charge us to hear the story?

SORA:
No, no. No point in doing that anymore. Everyone’s heard it, except offworlders. People used to take my Grandma Jira’s stories, tell their own versions, charge more for them. Now there’s a bunch of different legends out there, most of ‘em you can get for free, most of ‘em are bantha dung.

RANE:
That would’ve been good to know.

SORA:
Grandma Jira’s version was the most popular one, it’s probably closest to the one almost everyone hears.

SHEEN:
Where did she get the pregnant woman thing from?

SORA:
I don’t know. She used to tell it to us when we were kids, before she passed, but I guess I was too young to ask about that. It didn’t occur to me to wonder back then.

RANE:
But the murder, the recording…?

SORA:
Those came from her. And the dried blood.

SHEEN:
So do you think her stories were real?

SORA:
I think they probably are. I don’t know where she got them. She could’ve made them all up, but I don’t think so.

RANE:
Have you had any encounters with Nobot yourself?

SORA:
I have this respect for it, you know? I see it on the street, I nod and I walk the other way. You know? I don’t want to get up in its business.

SHEEN:
What if it ever approached you?

SORA:
It never has. I don’t know if it knows who I am. If it came up to me I’d probably treat it the same way I’ve always treated it. It’s like a sand elk, you know? It wanders onto the property from time to time, maybe you leave a salt lick out for it or something. It feels like part of the family. But you leave it alone. You don’t go trying to get closer to it than it wants you to.

RANE:
How do you think it came to be this way, this droid?

SORA:
I don’t think it was the murderer. A lot of people say it was. My grandma Jira never said that. That’s what some people took away from it, but she never outright said it. I think the droid actually tried to save its mistress. I think in the process of trying to defend this woman, I think he actually killed the murderer. I think the murderer was the one who scorched him, that maybe that’s who the blood belonged to. Something happened when he got fried that made it so he couldn’t speak anymore. But he wants to tell people what happened, and that recording is all he has left. But people are afraid of it. I think he’s a very lonely machine, I think it’s carrying a lot of grief and probably will carry a lot of grief until the end of its days.

SHEEN:
So do you think there’s anything supernatural going on with it?

SORA:
I don’t.

SHEEN:
I knew it!

SORA:
A lot of people say that it’s surrounded by ghosts. My grandma never claimed that. Maybe she believed it, but her story— she never embellished it. I don’t believe she ever embellished it. She told it more or less the same way every time. Other people— other people would change it when they told it, they’d throw this in or they’d throw that in. I think it’s just a normal, broken-down droid with a very tragic past.

RANE:
Thank you for your time, Sora.

SORA:
Thank you.

RANE (V.O.):
The last thing we did before the suns went down was investigate in an abandoned hovel where Nobot is said to frequently appear. According to some, this hovel may potentially be the one where the alleged murder took place.​

———
Ending on a cliffhanger because I had to split it into two parts. This fic was inspired by an actual piece of Legends lore that ended up being incorporated into LEGO Star Wars: The Skywalker Saga, and by the YouTube series BuzzFeed: Unsolved, as hosted by Shane Madej and Ryan Bergara.

 

Okay, the stories people are telling about this droid is definitely giving me vibes. Also, I think I recognize Jira as the name of the old lady that Kid! Anakin got the pallies from, and that makes the vibes even stronger.

 

Good eye! That would be the same Jira. I'm basically expanding on all the information found in Nobot's Wookieepedia page and I wanted to give a nod to Jira, since she's credited with telling the story first. It's really quite fascinating once you're aware of it; I mean, Nobot walks right past Qui-Gon and co. in one shot of TPM. (I kinda wish they'd had him appear in The Book of Boba Fett— now that would be an amazing Mos Espa connection! Unfortunately, all the featured protocol droids I know of are decidedly not our mysterious friend— it'd be nice to know he's still kicking around 41 years later! Given the time in which I've set this particular story, I'm sure it's evident that I like to think he's survived for quite a long while.)

 

Hello!

I read this two weeks ago when you posted it, and I was finally able to make time today for a second read and a review. This is such a smart concept for a story, both the format and the actual contents. I had no idea whatsoever about Nobot, and when I saw you mention that he had a Wook page I got lost down an internet rabbit hole, but now that I have the extra background I'm enjoying your fic even more! Which isn't to say that I found it lacking the first time around at all! It's just that part of the pleasure in reading fanfic is recognising lore elements, and you've inserted every available lore element really artfully in this tale.

I loved the contrast between Rane's calm, measured, clinical voiceovers and the banter between him and Sheen. You give us just enough space for interpretation to decide if Rane actually believes in ghosts or if ghosts are just his professional bread and butter. And you tell us all these stories of the droid vanishing from sandcrawlers, causing weapons to jam and engines to malfunction etc, to create, again, just enough of an ominous atmosphere around his name that we can wonder why the droid passer-by doesn't want to talk to our intrepid (or not-so-intrepid) journalists.

Was that an Obi-Wan cameo just after the droid dialogue?

He needs to practice his mind-trick technique!

And Watto! Such great characterisation, and you have his voice down pat. ("Maybe you could help me remember…" ) Not above gossip and rumours either, as I can see!

The "resident Nobotologist" Goba Wadamino was pure gold. In the beginning, you could think that this was the discourse of someone who understands how droid memories can be corrupted, but it soon turns out that we have to do with a complete tinfoil-hat nutcase who is willing to believe the strangest things.

And I loved the fact that you gave Jira her moment in the sun, through the memories of her grandchild! Of course, it all had to go a bit off the rails at some point:

I just about died here. But still, it was nice to hear Sora talking about how Jira would tell her stories, and I can't wait to find out what happens next in this wonderful investigation!

 

Thank you so much! I've wanted to do a BuzzFeed: Unsolved parody in the Star Wars universe for some time, but I needed to find a mystery compelling enough to write about, preferably one I didn't invent out of whole cloth, because like you said, the recognizability is part of the fun! But another part of the fun, just like with real unsolved mystery shows, is being introduced to a story you might not have been familiar with before. You watch the video and you pull up Google to find out more. I think I struck gold with Nobot— the combination of mundane and paranormal enigma is right in the sweet spot for a BuzzFeed: Unsolved homage, combining the tangible headscratchers of their true crime series and the ghostly intrigue of their supernatural series.

Rane's able to stay composed in the booth, reading from a script with an objectivist POV. He's able to hang up the tinfoil hat and comment on the supernatural stuff as if it's just stuff people say, which may or may not be based in reality. Out in the field, however... Well, we've seen him outside the recording studio already, but when he actually gets to interact with alleged paranormal hotspots, do some proper ghost hunting, we'll see what he's like then.

Generally, you don't get to be a professional expert in a field like this without accepting a few baseless assertions. A sasquatchologist may have a vast command of very real and accurate information on North American fauna and simian physiology, but it's difficult to study Bigfoot as an animal if you aren't willing to adopt the premise that such an animal exists. Interestingly, Goba seems to bury her personal conjectures under comprehensive expositions as to what the Nobotologist community in general believes, before revealing her own take on the issue. There's a very philosophical structure to her speech patterns, peppered with postulations. The general "you" gets thrown around a lot. Rane may have a little tinfoil cap, but Goba has a tinfoil sombrero.

I think Sora likes to believe whatever his grandma's source was is accurate, even if that means accepting the part about a murder nobody witnessed and a recording nobody seems to have heard. After all, unlike, say, ghosts, those elements are believable, there's just no proof they're not completely fabricated. It could have a tragic past. It looks like something bad happened to it. Sure, a murder is a little too specific an explanation to accept as definitive— especially with the pregnancy element thrown in— but hey, that's what Grandma Jira said happened, and nobody else seems to be any closer to the truth.

I'm looking forward to sharing the second part! I still haven't finished it yet, but what I have so far is very spooky and funny. Thank you so much for this review!

 

RANE (V.O.):
The last thing we did before the suns went down was investigate in an abandoned hovel where Nobot is said to frequently appear. According to some, this hovel may potentially be the one where the alleged murder took place.

RANE:
Okay, I’m very terrified right now.

SHEEN:
This place is pretty nice for a hovel.

RANE:
Deep breaths. It’s okay.

SHEEN:
I wonder why the windows are all boarded up. The door’s not boarded up.

RANE:
I’m wishing we did this earlier in the day.

SHEEN:
What are you worried about? The droid’s not here.

RANE:
Yeah, but ghosts might be.

RANE (V.O.):
At this moment, our audio recorder picked up a noise that sounded like someone whispering, “Uh-huh.”

AUDIO PLAYBACK:
“—ghosts might be.” “Uh-huh”
[slowed down] “Uh-huh”

SHEEN:
You gonna break out the ghostbox?

RANE:
Yeah. Gimme a second.

SHEEN:
Hello! Any ghosts here? If there are, feel free to spook us!

RANE:
Alright. Alright.

SHEEN:
Got some… tools on a workbench here. This is a nice wrench here.

RANE:
You ready?

SHEEN:
Whenever you want.

RANE:
[flicks switch]

GHOSTBOX:
[static]

RANE:
Is there anyone in here with us?

GHOSTBOX:
[static]

RANE:
If there is anyone in here, please let us know.

GHOSTBOX:
[static] [unintelligible] [static]

RANE:
Okay, could you repeat that please? Could you say your name?

GHOSTBOX:
[static]

RANE:
If there’s anything you want to say to us, say it now.

GHOSTBOX:
[static] “I want” [static]

RANE:
What is it? What do you want?

SHEEN:
I think it said “Jawa.”

RANE:
Did you say “I want” or “Jawa?”

GHOSTBOX:
[static] “cruiser” [unintelligible] [static]

SHEEN:
Can you tell us about the droid called Nobot?

GHOSTBOX:
[static] “killed…” [static] “boy” [static]

SHEEN:
Killjoy? I get that from this guy every week. Is that the best you can come up with?

RANE:
I think it said “killed my boy.”

SHEEN:
Someone kill your boy?

GHOSTBOX:
[static]

SHEEN:
Whose boy? Who are you?

GHOSTBOX:
[static]

RANE:
Could you tell us if you’re the woman who was murdered?

GHOSTBOX:
[static] “I know” [static]

RANE:
You know? You know the woman or you are the woman?

GHOSTBOX:
[static] “helpful” [static]

SHEEN:
Someone named El-pool.

RANE:
Is this El-pool? Are we speaking to El-pool right now?

GHOSTBOX:
[static] “not my town” [static]

RANE:
Not your town? You didn’t live here?

SHEEN:
You decide to move here on a whim?

GHOSTBOX:
[static]

SHEEN:
You have good taste.

GHOSTBOX:
[static] [unintelligible] [static]

SHEEN:
You’re welcome.

RANE:
Where did you come from?

GHOSTBOX:
[static]

SHEEN:
You know, I really like this wrench.

GHOSTBOX:
[static]

RANE:
Okay, I’m going to be turning it off soon, is there anything else you’d like to tell us?

GHOSTBOX:
[static] “He’s watching” [static]

RANE:
Ohhhhh craters. Holy bantha poop on a stick, okay.

SHEEN:
I’m keeping your wrench!

GHOSTBOX:
[static] “meatball” [static]

SHEEN:
Thank you. [pockets wrench]

RANE:
[flicks switch] Oh boy. My neck is covered in sweat right now. Let’s get out of here.

SHEEN:
Gonna go hunting for demon droids!

RANE:
Don’t say demon droids. Please… [screams]

SHEEN:
What?

RANE:
I swear I just heard a metallic scraping sound.

AUDIO PLAYBACK:
“—scraping sound.” [faint metallic scraping sound]
[slowed down] [faint metallic scraping sound]

RANE:
I’m glad we don’t have to sleep here tonight.

SHEEN:
I’m kinda disappointed now. I was gonna put my sleeping bag right next to that broken old gonk droid.

RANE:
Maybe some other time.

SHEEN:
[dramatic voice] “Return to the Spooky Old Nobot Hovel!”

RANE (V.O.):
Our team reached out to a crew of Jawa scavengers who claimed to have Nobot in custody aboard their sandcrawler.

SHEEN:
Nice crawler.

JAWA CHIEFTAIN:
[translated from Jawaese] Thank you. Come with me.

[Jawas chattering]

SHEEN:
[smack] Ow! You guys need to change your illuminators.

RANE:
Jawas see better in the dark than humans do.

JAWA CHIEFTAIN:
[translated from Jawaese] Ghost droid is in there.

SHEEN:
So we’re going to actually go in there and talk to the robot?

RANE:
Yeah. Ohhh, kriffing hell, this is a bad idea.

SHEEN:
This is gonna be fun. I’m gonna be alone in a room with a murderbot.

RANE:
Well, they put a restraining bolt on him, so we’re either perfectly safe or totally doomed.

SHEEN:
If the droid kills me, I want you to have Wrenchy.

RANE:
Okay.

SHEEN:
Actually, I think I’d like to introduce him to the killer droid. I think they could be good friends. [falsetto] “Hi, Mr. Murder Droid! Do you wanna be my best friend forever?”

RANE:
Alright, get in there. [muttering]

[beep] [door opens]

[beep] [door shuts]

NOBOT:
[turns]

SHEEN:
Hello there.

NOBOT:
[observes]

SHEEN:
My name’s Sheen. I’m told people call you Nobot.

NOBOT:
[jerks head]

SHEEN:
Do you talk? What’s your real name? Do you have one?

NOBOT:
…

SHEEN:
You know, I gotta say, most of the time I’m just talking to an empty room. It’s nice to have some company for once.

NOBOT:
[jerks head]

RANE:
Sheen’s probably having the time of his life in there. I feel like a mom dropping off her kid at the galaxy’s creepiest daycare.

SHEEN:
This is my friend Wrenchy.

NOBOT:
[observes]

SHEEN:
He’s really nice. He lives in my pocket. Sometimes I let him nibble on my finger like this. Om nom nom.

NOBOT:
[observes]

SHEEN:
I heard you got a little recording that you like to play for people. Can I hear it? Pretty please?

NOBOT:
[jerks head]

SHEEN:
Don’t be shy now.

NOBOT:
…

RANE:
So usually, when we do this, Sheen will try and rile up the ghosts and make them mad with insults and stuff so that they’ll take it out on me.

SHEEN:
I gotta say, you’re the nicest demon droid I’ve ever met.

RANE:
I’m really hoping he doesn’t do anything crazy.

SHEEN:
How about I pop off that restraining bolt for a little bit? You can murder me if you want.

NOBOT:
…

SHEEN:
Alright, so… do whatever you want to do to me.

NOBOT:
[jerks head]

SHEEN:
I know, so many choices. You could strangle me with those big metal hands. You could beat me to death. Ooh, here’s an idea. … I’ve got a little pocket vibro-knife. I know, it’s a little small, but if you flick the switch it does this. … Huh? Pretty cool, huh? With the blade vibrating like that, you could slice my throat clean open if you wanted to, just like that, just— [whooshing sound] Here, you wanna hold it?

NOBOT:
…

[vibro-blade clatters to the floor] [vibro-blade buzzing]

SHEEN:
No, you gotta hold it like this.

[vibro-blade clatters to the floor] [vibro-blade buzzing]

SHEEN:
Man, you are bad at holding things. Can you even bend your fingers?

NOBOT:
[jerks head]

RANE:
If that droid kills Sheen I’m going to make fun of his ghost forever. That would be the biggest “I told you so” in history.

SHEEN:
Let’s try one more time.

NOBOT:
…

[vibro-blade clatters to the floor] [vibro-blade buzzing]

SHEEN:
Ah! That almost hit my foot. …Hey, good job, you sneaky little murder droid! You almost got me! And you made it look like an accident.

NOBOT:
…

RANE:
Hey, that’s my ghostbox! Were you going through my stuff?

JAWA:
[translated from Jawaese] This is mine. I found it. You want to buy it?

RANE:
I can see my name on it right there.

JAWA:
[muttering]

RANE:
Not cool, man. You guys stay out of my bag.

SHEEN:
Okay, it would be really funny if you could spook my friend in there. Give him a really good scare. Maybe play that recording for him? Oh! Can you make your eye turn red? That would make him wet his pants.

NOBOT:
…

SHEEN:
You know what, you’re the professional. You’ll come up with something.

NOBOT:
…

SHEEN:
I’m gonna put this back on now ‘cause they’ll probably get mad I took it off.

NOBOT:
[jerks head]

Well, good chat. I’d love to do this again sometime.

NOBOT:
…

[beep] [door opens] [beep] [door shuts]

RANE:
How was it?

SHEEN:
Beats talking to an empty room or an inanimate tooka doll.

RANE:
Did he speak to you?

SHEEN:
Oh, yeah, he prophesied my death. It was a gripping story, really, there was a betrayal and a lover’s quarrel, lotta twists. No spoilers for you, though. That’s between me and my unborn son.

RANE:
I don’t know why I bother. [deep breath]

[beep] [door opens]
[beep] [door shuts]

NOBOT:
…

RANE:
[muttering] Ohhh, that is creepy with the one eye. I don’t like that. … Uh, hi. My name is Rane, I’d like to speak with you. You’re not known to be very chatty, but maybe you could open up to me.

NOBOT:
…

RANE:
I’m a little uncomfortable with the way you’re staring at me, to be honest.

NOBOT:
…

RANE:
I guess you probably don’t get a lot of people trying to talk to you like this.

NOBOT:
…

RANE:
Can you actually see me? If I move, can you—

NOBOT:
[turns head]

RANE:
Yup, you’re definitely following me with your eyes. Does that other eye still work?

NOBOT:
…

RANE:
Do you prefer Huttese? … [translated from Huttese] You want me to speak Huttese?

NOBOT:
[jerks head]

RANE:
[translated from Huttese] I'm a friend...

NOBOT:
…

SHEEN:
You know, I think somebody just found a scrapped droid, programmed a creepy behavior module into it, and set it loose. And honestly, if that’s the case, I gotta respect it. I mean, forty-something years down the line and now Rane’s in there absolutely convinced that it’s haunted by demons. There’s no way you could top that prank. He’s probably getting out his little talking radio thingy right now.

RANE:
Maybe this will help you talk. This is a ghostbox.

NOBOT:
[observes]

RANE:
Can I pop your panel open for a sec and plug it in?

NOBOT:
…

RANE:
Never mind, I don’t want to do that. [shudders] Okay, just… try and channel it wirelessly. [flicks switch]

GHOSTBOX:
[static]

RANE:
Can you talk to me now?

NOBOT:
[jerks heads]

GHOSTBOX:
[static] “Rane”

RANE:
[screaming]

SHEEN:
Oh crit!

RANE:
[flicks switch] HOLY KRIFF HOLY KRIFF HOLY NOPE NOPE NOPE—

SHEEN:
I think the droid actually murdered him. Should we— I mean… Nah, it’s fine.

RANE:
Holy craters. Was that you? I swear you jerked your head just as the box said “Rane.” Holy crit.

NOBOT:
[jerks head]

RANE:
Did you do that?

NOBOT:
[jerks head]

RANE:
Okay, I’m turning on the box again. I can’t believe I’m doing this… [flicks switch]

GHOSTBOX:
[static]

RANE:
You got this, Rane. You’re a big boy.

GHOSTOBOX:
[static]

RANE:
Was that you? Did you say my name, Nobot?

NOBOT:
…

GHOSTBOX:
[static]

RANE:
Was the voice I heard the voice of Nobot or something else?

GHOSTBOX:
[static] “loud” [static] “with a chance of” [static]

RANE:
With a chance of what?

GHOSTBOX:
[static]

RANE:
Chance of what?

GHOSTBOX:
[static] “under store” [static]

RANE:
Under store? Under which store?

GHOSTBOX:
[static] “with showers” [unintelligible] [static]

RANE:
Under the store with showers? What are you saying? Is that where the murder happened?

GHOSTBOX:
[static]

RANE:
I don’t even know where you would find a shower store on this planet.

GHOSTBOX:
[static] “back” [static]

RANE:
Back?

GHOSTBOX:
[static]

RANE:
Back where? What does that mean?

NOBOT:
[tilts head]

RANE:
Is this you or something else that’s talking to me? You look as confused as I am. You’re moving your head like you’re confused.

NOBOT:
[jerks head]

GHOSTBOX:
[static] “Huttball” [static]

RANE:
Can you repeat that? I didn’t catch that.

GHOSTBOX:
[static]

NOBOT:
[walking]

RANE:
Wait, where are you going? Why are you turning around?

NOBOT:
…

RANE:
Do you want me to turn off the box?

NOBOT:
…

GHOSTBOX:
[static]

RANE:
I’m sorry. I’m being rude. I’ll turn it off. [flicks switch]

NOBOT:
…

RANE:
Sorry. I thought I could communicate with you through the ghostbox, but I guess you’d rather be talked to face to face.

NOBOT:
…

RANE:
Uh… are you listening to me?

NOBOT:
…

RANE:
What are you staring at? … There’s nothing there. It’s just some pipes. … Is there a ghost with us?

NOBOT:
…

[clank]

RANE:
What was that?

NOBOT:
…

RANE:
Did you hear th—KRIFFING FRELL. He’s kriffing staring at me again.

NOBOT:
[jerks head]

RANE:
Kriff, oh, kriff. I hate this, I hate this, I hate this. Stay back!

NOBOT:
[tilts head]

RANE:
No— don’t tilt your head like that. Kriff, that’s the creepiest thing I’ve ever seen. What do you want? Can you speak to me?

NOBOT:
…

RANE:
If you want me to be here, move your head.

NOBOT:
…

RANE:
If you want me to leave, move your head.

NOBOT:
…

RANE:
You don’t want me here but you don’t want me to leave?

NOBOT:
[jerks head]

RANE:
Are you going to hurt me?

NOBOT:
…

RANE:
Is that a yes?

NOBOT:
…

RANE:
Does the fact that you’re standing perfectly still, staring… directly into my soul with your one… glowing, unblinking eye… mean it wasn’t a yes?

NOBOT:
…

RANE:
Well, this experience is going to haunt my nightmares. Okay, I’m going to leave now.
...
[knocking]

SHEEN:
Y’ello?

RANE:
Get me out of here, please.

SHEEN:
The door’s unlocked.

RANE:
I don’t want to turn my back to this thing. Open it for me.

[beep] [door opens]

RANE:
Oh, thank the stars.

[beep] [door closes]

SHEEN:
Did you have a nice chat?

RANE:
You’re going to thinking I’m banthaspitting but I swear to you I’m not.

SHEEN:
What?

RANE:
The ghostbox said my name right when the droid’s head moved.

SHEEN:
Is that what the screaming was about?

RANE:
It was like he said my name, Sheen!

SHEEN:
Well, what else did he say?

RANE:
I dunno. Something really cryptic. Something about a chance under the shower store.

SHEEN:
What, like Ord Bathworld? Like Sinks & Sonics?

RANE:
Kriff if I know. I just want to get out of here.

SHEEN:
Chance under the shower store. Sounds kinky.

…

RANE:
Well, it’s been fun, Mos Espa.

SHEEN:
Still kinda wish we could’ve slept in that hovel.

RANE:
Honestly, I’d take that over being alone in a room with that creepy droid again.

SHEEN:
I wish we could’ve brought him with us. I’m sure the pilot wouldn’t mind.

RANE:
Well I’m glad we didn’t, ‘cause I don’t want the ship to be droidjacked while I’m asleep.

SHEEN:
Honestly, that sounds fun. Ghost droidjacking. I know what I’m doing for my birthday party next year.

[ramp closing]

RANE (V.O.):
The droid known as Nobot is surrounded by many legends. Some say it is haunted. Some say it is a witness to a horrible crime. Others say it is simply an old, broken-down machine. While we’ve interacted with the droid face to face and obtained compelling evidence, the question as to whether Nobot is actually haunted will remain unanswered.

…

RANE:
Where’s my ghostbox?

SHEEN:
[groggily] What?

RANE:
I swear I put it right here in my bag.

SHEEN:
[mumbling] Maybe the ghost droid made it disappear.

RANE:
My comlink is missing too. And my imagecaster. Kriffing… [sigh]

…

 

I loved the second part just as much as I loved the first! You took us again to familiar or almost-familiar places (because that abandoned hovel could be at least two different places we know) and then you introduced those random sounds that the audio recorder is picking up, and of course the ghostbox! I wonder what the latter is truly picking up. Was it "I want" or "Jawa, really? At least during the scene in the sandcrawler, I can guess that it's just the weather forecast, or maybe a review for the movie Cloudy with a Chance of Huttballs.

I also loved how you took the contrast between Rane and Sheen one step further. Sheen is in there, demonstrating in every possible way that Nobot is just a malfunctioning droid, and Rane is getting all worked up and hysterical. Man, his little tinfoil cap turned into that tinfoil sombrero you mentioned while he was in there!

And of course, the Jawas had to have the last word. Go Jawas!

Thanks for sharing this clever and entertaining read!

 

The hovel is a reference to a LEGO Star Wars level where you actually meet Nobot! In a side mission called Ghost Protocol, you follow a silver droid carrying a kyber brick into an abandoned hovel. When you enter the hovel, you'll find the droid standing on the far side of the room, slack as a marionette, staring at you as the camera zooms in over a violin sting. Then the droid abruptly turns and walks into the other room. When you follow him into the room, he's not there. Spooky! Oh yeah, and then if you go into a crawlspace as C-3PO, you'll find Nobot is there too. Follow him and you'll find the kyber brick floating over his disassembled body.

Indeed! In hindsight, it makes sense why Rane thought he heard his name if he'd picked up on a weather report...

This scene was fun because I got to employ a twist on how this scenario would normally play out on the show this fic inspired. Shane goes into the room calling the ghosts wimps and daring them to possess, maim, or murder him, because he knows nothing will happen. (Though if he's wrong and something does happen, being taken out by a demon is a pretty cool way to go as far as he's concerned.) When it's Ryan's turn to go into the creepy room alone, he's usually on the verge of wetting himself within two seconds of the door closing. He's trying to pick up on supernatural activity, but he really doesn't want to find any. Sometimes he goes in full of aggression, armed with a holy water squirt gun, daring the ghosts to try him, but he's terrified whether he puts up a belligerent front or not. But in the show, they're always dealing with phantoms or, occasionally, possessed objects like dolls. Here, whether the droid is haunted or not, it's very real, and the experience becomes much more interactive. Sure, the droid never says anything, but it walks around the room and twitches and makes eye contact. As to what's going on in its brain while it does this, no one can say, but it sure is creepy. Projecting onto spooky noises or random chills can be scary enough, but when there's actually something in the room with you... I mean, I know I wouldn't want to be alone in a dark room with that thing even if it was harmless.

Thank you for reading!