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Saga - OT The Empire Strikes Back Humorous Version Contiued (ST SPOILERS)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by study3600, Jun 6, 2021.

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  1. study3600

    study3600 Jedi Grand Master star 3

    Registered:
    Jul 16, 1999
    To MavJade (I checked and it said I did not have sufficient priveliges to post in the old one so I will create a rather brief continuation thread:

    Parts will be retold, and I will give credit to all contributors.

    Our story begins as HANDS OFF makes a direct assault on an Imperial Star Whacker.....

    Mod Edit: Locked due to rule violation
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 25, 2021
  2. study3600

    study3600 Jedi Grand Master star 3

    Registered:
    Jul 16, 1999
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------




      • Completed HV's:

        I (Technically, though it still is incomplete unless there is SOMEONE out there with a copy of the original.)
        II
        IV
        V

        Incomplete HV's
        III
        VI
        VII

        Not started yet:

        VIII
        IX

        Extracurricular:

        ROUGE ONE

        HANDS OFF PART ONE

        The Clown Wars- incomplete

        The Goofy Bunch-Not started

        Rebelliousness- Not started

        The Holiday Special is too sacred to touch-hands off

        The MacGuffin- Not started

        I cant do all this alone. -BLSK"study3600"V

        Let's do this thing. I'll post a link to ROTJ, RoTS and TFA HV's soon. But III MUST be finished before VI is completed. That is a must. Now is the time for all good men and women in the JCC to come to the aid of the Humorous Versions.
        God bless.-Brent Ciou.]
        :

        Help for writing in script format:
    https://boards.theforce.net/threads/help-for-budding-screenplay-writers.50056314/

    The other movie and movie script-based Humorous Versions:



    All story ideas for the Humorous Versions must be discussed on the New Humorous Version Planning Thread, here:

    https://boards.theforce.net/threads/the-new-humorous-version-planning-thread.50035610/

    But we cannot discuss spoilers on it, however I will link it back to here.




    Link to Original ESB HV thread: https://boards.theforce.net/threads/esb-humorous-version-spoilers.203134/
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    HANDS PULLS BACK ON THE HYPERSPACE THROTTLE AND- NOTHING HAPPENS. FLAK BURSTS CONTINUES AS THE BOLTS HIT THE FOUNTAIN EVEN HARDER.


    HANDS :
    Houston... we may have a problem

    CHUNKY IS VERY ANGRY AND STARTS TO GROWL AND BARK AT HANDS CALLING HIM EVERY NAME IN THE WOOKIE DICTIONARY...

    HANDS :
    The transfer circuits are working...it's not my fault !

    LEE
    ( Almost expecting it ): For ten thousand republic dactaries, can I get three guesses as whats wrong and the first two don't count ?

    HANDS
    ( In a nervous and frantic voice ): Its not my fault, baby..honest. I...I...didnt know that this was gonna happen. I mean, you seen me when I was fixing the ship. I think maybe there was a fire....yeah !, that could be it...a fire...or the ship was invaded by little green men from mars.... Stinky-O sabotaging the controls in a jealous rage !... A terrible flood.... a plague.... a tornado... my dog chewed the controls.....Locusts...It wasn't my fault I swear to GOD !!!!!!!!!

    SUDDENLY A LOUD BEEP FLASHES ON THE CONTROL PANEL, HANDS JUMP BACK TO ANSWER IT.

    BILLY BLOB HORTON :
    Uhhhh, Hands ? Yes, this is Billy Bob Thornton speaking to you from the set of Armageddon. We've just done a computer analysis regarding your horrific situation, and..we came to the conclusion since you've lost your main rear deflector shield, if you get hit one more time on the back quarter by the heavy firepower of an imperial starwhacker...then I'm afraid that your done for.

    LEE
    ( In a nervous voice ) : What do you mean " done for"

    BILLY BLOB HORTON :
    Uhhhhh ma'am, this is a slang term that we use in NASA to describe what is known as a Millennium Fountain Global Killer...

    HANDS
    ( looking upwards ) : Please GOD, don't let this be worse than it sounds.

    BILLY BLOB HORTON:
    That means if the Fountain gets hit by another blast, then I'm afraid nothing on or in the ship will survive, not even bacteria.

    LEE:
    What do you suggest we do ?

    BILLY BLOB HORTON
    ( In a deadpan voice ): I suggest we bring in Bruce Fillibuster, the best deep core driller in the galaxy. Other than that...you don't have a snowball's chance in hell.

    STINKY-O :
    Then lets get this Bruce Fillibuster person. How can we reach him ?!

    BILLY BLOB HORTON :
    I've spoken with Bruce just a little over thirty minutes ago...and he wont be able to make it. Right now he's filming " Universal Soldier 4 : You can't die no harder than this." Listen, Ben Affleck is on line two...I gotta take this call, let me know how your situation turns out...if you survive it, that is."

    STINKY-O
    ( yelling in a panic stricken voice and losing his cool in the cockpit ): Oh thats great ! Thats just ******' great man ! Now what the **** are we supposed to do ?! We in some real pretty **** now, man !!!

    LEE
    ( Grabbing on to Stinky-O's face covering his mouth, with a calm but pissed off look on her face ) : Are you finished ?!

    HANDS PAUSES FOR A MOMENT, MAKES A DECISION, AND PULLS BACK ON A LEVER.

    HANDS :
    Turn her around

    CHUNKY BARKS BACK CONFUSED.

    HANDS :
    I know that my crack use has shifted into overdrive Chunkalunk but I swear this has nothing to do with that! Turn her around!

    STINKY-O: This is madness! The odds of surviving a direct assault on an Umperial Star Whacker are 7 million 800 billion 2 decades 3 hundred to 1! Surrender is a perfectly reasonable alternative! The Umpire could

    LEE knocks Stinky-O's head off. It clatters to the floor.

    HANDS: Thanks, sweetheart!

    INT. IMPERIOUS STAR-WHACKER-BRIDGE

    NEEDY: They're moving into attack position! Sound the alarm!


    PIETT: ROTJ, TFA, TLJ....

    NEEDY: Whadda?

    PIETT: Other Star Wars movies featuring small ships assaulting Star Whackers.

    NEEDY: What the h*** is 'Star Wars'? Oh my, their out of range of our scopes! Track them! They may come around for a second pass.

    EXT. IMPERIAL FLEET- SPACE

    THE FLEET AROUND VACUOUS' STAR WHACKER NOW INCLUDES NEEDY'S STAR WHACKER, THE AVENGERS.

    INT. VACUOUS' STAR WHACKER - BRIDGE

    CAPTAIN NEEDY SLUMPS DOWN, THEN FALLS OVER ON HIS BACK AT THE FEET OF DARTH VACUOUS. HIS BODY IS ALMOST LIFELESS AS HE IS NEAR DEATH.

    NEEDY
    (At the End): Personally I never wanted to join the Empire. I wanted to join the *gasp* Rebel Scum. (Dies).

    VACUOUS : Apology accepted, Captain Needy--WHAT? What did he say?!

    GUARD ( Very nervous ) : Uhhhhhh, I think he... said that he really wanted to join the Rebels.

    Whack

    VACUOUS
    ( Pissed off ) :I know what he said you nitwit, I was just speaking rhetorically ! Get this stunted slime away from my sight.

    TWO IMPERIAL GUARDS PICK UP THE LIFELESS BODY AFTER VACUOUS KICKS HIM ABOUT FIVE TIMES AND CARRIES IT QUICKLY AWAY AS A VERY NERVOUS ADMIRAL PIETT AND TWO OF HIS CAPTAINS HURRY UP TO THE DARK LORD.

    VACUOUS : I tell you Piett, good help is so hard to find nowadays, I'm so pissed off I'm just looking for an excuse to crush someones throat into little tiny pieces of cartilage, and then for the fun of it, kidnap his whole family including the dog, put 'em in front of a firing squad and tell 'em " Hey, guess what? You all been select to help test the imperials new 9 millimeter explosive tip caseless, standard light armor piercing rounds."
    And when the young child or old lady in the group speaks up and say " Please don't kill us, this is a PG film." I'm going to say " hahahaha, **** you and George Lucas, them the breaks, kid. Survival of the fittest, baby!" and tell 'em to let the bullets fly. As a matter of fact, I wanna know who was in charge of hiring this a****** Needy ? Probably some Admiral or something. Ohhhh man, I hope I find out soon, 'cause I can't wait to get my hands on his throat ! Status report, Piett....Admiral Piett ?

    ADMIRAL PIETT'S BODY IS LITERALLY SHAKING VIOLENTLY WITH MASSIVE BEADS OF SWEAT RUNNING DOWN HIS FACE AS HE IS ALSO STANDING IN A PUDDLE OF HIS OWN YOU KNOW WHAT.

    PIETT
    ( with a frightened expression ) : Lord Vacuous, our... ships have completed their scan of the area and found nothing. If the Millennium Fountain went into lightspeed, it'll be on the other side of the galaxy by now

    VACUOUS :
    Alert all commands. Calculate every possible destination along the last know trajectory. Also alert the U.S. Marshall's department, I hear that Samuel Gerard really knows how to track down these scum sucking lowlifes

    PIETT :
    Yes, my Lord. We'll find them

    AT THOSE WORDS, A CAPTAIN STANDING NEXT TO PIETT SLAPS HIS FOREHEAD WITH HIS HAND AS IF TO SAY, DAMN, HOW CAN YOU BE SO STUPID. ANOTHER CAPTAIN JUST SOLEMNLY SHAKES HIS HEAD. PIETT FINALLY REALIZES THAT HE SHOULD NOT HAVE EVEN UTTER THOSE WORDS.

    VACUOUS
    ( As he puts his gloved hand on the side of Piett's sweating face) : You know, Piett, In a galaxy filled with incompetents, morons and a*******, it is soooo refreshing to find that one man... can still make a difference. A man like you, who understands... the bleak.. and dismal penalty for failure. A man like you, who knows that if you **** up, you can kiss your life goodbye... and feel good in doing that,'cause you knew from the start what would happen ! ( he is now gesturing ) A man like you... is sooooo hard to find. I am glad that YOU wont fail me , admiral......other than that ( he slaps the face of Piett twice ), keep up the good work !

    PIETT :
    Did I say that sir ? what I meant to say was....uhhhh I think..we may be able to find them...uhhhh sir ?...Lord Vacuous ?

    VACUOUS EXITS AS THE ADMIRAL TURNS TO AN AIDE. THE AIDE ONLY LOOKS AT HIM AS THE TWO CAPTAINS CONTINUE TO LOOK AROUND THE ROOM

    PIETT
    ( In a choked crackling voice ) : Alert...arrrhmmmm....Alert all commands. Deploy the fleet.

    GUARD AT THE SIDE ON POST
    ( Silently to himself ): Thank GOD, I'm just a low level lackey.

    EXT. SPACE- IMPERIAL FLEET

    VACUOUS' SHIP MOVES AWAY, FLANKED BY ITS FLEET OF SMALLER SHIPS. THE AVENGERS GLIDES OFF INTO SPACE IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION. NO ONE ON THAT SHIP OR VACUOUS' IS AWARE OF THE MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN CLINGING TO THE AVEGERS HULL

    INT-FOUNTAIN-COCKPIT

    HANDS: If they follow standard operating procedure, they'll dump their garbage before going to lightspeed.

    LEE: And we just float away with the garbage. (Kisses him on the cheek) You do have your moments. Not many of them, but you do have them.

    GHOST OF BEEN-THERE: Hey, I said that line to myself four movies ago. Does anyone remember??

    HANDS AND LEE PULL OUT THEIR COPIES OF THE STAR WARS HUMOROUS VERSIONS.

    HANDS: Yeah, there it is, you were in a similar situation to this with Mango Fett, in another Asteroid belt. Impressive.

    BEEN-THERE: Thanks. (He fades).

    HANDS Searches the computer registry.

    HANDS: Now we just have to find a nearby port.

    LEE: NOMAD system.

    HANDS: Not much there, hey wait a minute, this is interesting, BILLY DEE.

    LEE: Billy Dee System?

    HANDS: Billy Dee's not a system, he's a man. Card player, gambler, scoundrel you'd like him.

    LEE: Can we trust him?

    HANDS: No...But he's got no love for the Umpire, I can tell you that.

    LEE: Let's go.

    EXT SPACE

    The StarWhackers Dump their garbage and The Fountain floats away.

    But another ship also floats away with them.


    INT. AMISTAD I-COCKPIT

    BUBBA FETT enjoys ice cream.

    BUBBA FETT: Heh heh heh.

    EXT. ASPIRIN SURFACE - MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN-DAY

    IT IS DOWN ON THE GASEOUS PLANET. HUGE BILLOWING CLOUDS FORM A CANYON AS THE SHIP BANKS LEFT. SUDDENLY, TWO TWIN-PODS CLOUD CAR ( I'M SURPRISED THEY EVEN CALL IT THAT ) APPEAR AND MOVE TOWARDS THE FOUNTAIN AND SURROUND IT.

    INT. MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT

    ONE OF THE CLOUD CARS ( DAMN, I HATE THAT WORD...WHOEVER IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT NAME NEEDS TO BE SHOT DEAD. ) OPENS FIRE ON THE FOUNTAIN ( HMMMMMM, I GUESS THAT WOULD BE OBVIOUS, SINCE ITS THE ONLY SHIP BESIDES THEIR OWN IN THE SKIES ). CHUNKY BARKS LOUDLY

    HANDS
    ( Into transmitter ) : No, I don't have a landing permit...if I did, I would be talking to you now would I? I'm trying to reach Billy Dee Calrissian.

    MORE FLAK BURST OUTSIDE THE COCKPIT WINDOW WHICH RATTLES THE SHIP'S INTERIOR. EVERYONE INSIDE IS SLIGHTLY SHAKEN UP.

    HANDS
    ( Into transmitter ) : Whoa ! Wait a minute, you a******* ! Let me explain...this is a consular ship...and we're on a diplomatic mission.

    INTERCOM VOICE :
    If this is consular ship, then where is the ambassadors ?. Well in any case, you will not deviate from you present course.

    STINKY-O :
    I swear, this sad story of four people in a ship with no place to go except straight to hell, just keeps getting better and better.

    LEE :
    I thought you knew this person

    CHUNKY BARKS AND GROWLS AT HANDS. THE SOUNDS THAT HE MAKES THE PILOT SLIGHTLY NERVOUS

    HANDS
    ( To Chunky ) : Well, that was a long time ago. And nobody can prove that I said his acting sucked in " Batman".

    INTERCOM VOICE : Permission granted to land on platform three-two-seven-five-nine- nine-four-six-eight-seven-four-two-five-nine-two-cyberdine systems model one-zero-one. This is very important because you must memorize it in order to land on the platform.

    HANDS
    ( With a blank look on his face talking to transmitter ) : Uhhhhhhh...yeah.

    HE SWITCHES OFF THE INTERCOM. CHUNKY LOOKS AT HIM AND GRUNTS AND GROWLS. HANDS TURNS TO HIS FRIEND

    HANDS :
    Now, theres nothing to worry about. We go way, way back, Billy Dee and me. I mean sure , he may be a ruthless gangster and a cold blooded dealer of death. But one thing he ain't....is a killer. So don't worry, eh.

    LEE
    ( With a I'm not convinced look ) : Who's worried ? I was only thinking on how dramatic it would be to die without a laserproof vest in the middle of nowhere...nothing for me to get excited about.

    THE FOUNTAIN FLIES THROUGH THE BEAUTIFUL SKIES WITH THE GREATEST OF EASE. AS THE TWO CLOUD.....CARS STILL GUARDING IT. THEY SOON COME TO THE CITY AND FLY THROUGH SOME OF ITS BUILDINGS. THE FOUNTAIN SOON COMES TO THE LANDING PLATFORM AND LANDS THE SHIP.



    EXT. CLOUD CITY- LANDING PLATFORM - DOOR OF MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN-DAY-HOW COULD IT BE NIGHT ON A PLANET THIS BRIGHT???

    HANDS AND LEE STAND AT THE OPEN DOOR, BEHIND THEM WALKS UP CHUNKY AND STINKY-O. THEY ALL ARE SURVEYING THE AREA WHICH HAS THE LOOK OF BEING A GHOST TOWN.

    STINKY-O :
    Hmmmm, well looks like nobody's home, let get back in the ship and blast off, now.

    LEE :
    I don't like this. This scene reminds me of a part in "The Godfather." Where Sonny went to help his sister and he got ambushed by Don Barzini's guys. They plugged him with so many holes, that they could use him to make a commercial promoting swiss cheese.

    HANDS
    ( Looking at Lee with a blank look on his face ) : Okaaaaaaay. Don't worry, baby..it'll be alright. They did let us land you know. Trust me , everything gonna be fine.

    STINKY-O
    ( Sarcastically ) : Yeah, until we all get shot dead in the street, because you didn't have the ***** to confess that you thought your friend's acting sucks.

    HANDS
    ( To Stinky-O ) : Thank you....I really did..wanted you to mention that... little bit of information.


    INT. CLOUD CITY - CORRIDOR - DAY

    BILLY DEE CALRISSIAN, A SUAVE, DASHING, CARD PLAYER, RAP MOGUL, AND ALL AROUND LADIES MAN WHO ISNT FREAKY OR DISGUSTING, LEADS A TOUGH LOOKING GROUP OF ARMED MUSCULAR AIDS OUT THE ELEVATOR AND DOWN THE WALKWAY.


    EXT. LANDING PLATFORM - DOOR OF MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN

    HANDS
    ( To Lee ) : See ? My friend. ( He walks over to Chunky) Keep your eyes open, mm?

    INT. CLOUD CITY - LIVING QUARTERS - DAY

    WITHIN THE FANCY PANTS SWANKY PARK AVE. QUARTERS ASSIGNED TO HER ON CLOUD CITY, LEE PACES IN AGITATION AND LACK OF BLADDER CONTROL. SHE IS IN SEXY OUTFIT WHEN HANDS COMES IN

    HANDS :
    The ship is almost finished, baby. Two or three more things and we're in great shape. I could have done it myself, but I wanted the little people to have a crack at it.

    LEE :
    The sooner the better. Something's wrong here. No one has seen or knows anything about Stinky-O. He's been gone too long without no one reporting that he slapped someone or cursed out an infant.

    HANDS TAKES LEE BY THE SHOULDERS AND SLIPS HIS TONGUE DOWN HER THROAT WITH A SENSUOUS FRENCH KISS.

    LEE :
    Mmmmmm, That was nice....I think we need a little bit more 'private' time..but I was in the mist of saying something important.....Uhhhhhhhh, what was I saying ?
    Oh, yes.....Stinky-O !

    HANDS :
    What about him ?

    LEE
    ( Pauses ):Uhhhhhhh...it escapes me at the moment...... ( she pauses again ) Oh yeah, he's been gone too to have gotten lost.

    HANDS :
    Well with him being gone, things have become a lot more simpler. I don't know if we should complain.

    LEE :
    Hmmmm, you do have a point.

    HANDS :
    Besides, I'll talk to my good friend, the suave and smooth talking Billy Dee and see what I can find out

    LEE :
    I don't trust no suave, smooth talking, beer drinking, pimp of a man with a name like Billy Dee

    HANDS :
    Well, I trust Billy Dee. He's my best friend. He has many faults and being a lowlife, scum sucking traitor isn't one of them. Y'know Lee, you need to be a little more trusting to your fellow man, this is a side of you I don't particularly care for. Besides, we'll soon be gone from here.

    LEE :
    And then you're as good as gone aren't you ?

    HANDS
    ( Looking around ) : Uhhhhhh, there are... other things that I have to do. So Y'know....

    LEE
    ( Highly pissed off ) : I knew it ! You lied to me ! You followed me, sexually harassed me. Then after you finally seduced me, felt me up and had your way wih me...not once, but three times, you wanna cast me aside like yesterdays national enquirer ?!

    HANDS :
    Seduced you ? Lee, c'mon, you don't expect me to....

    LEE
    ( Interrupting him ) : Y'know, when I think of all the times you did your deed, lying your a** off, saying that you loved me, promising me a better life after we escape from the empire, it just makes me wanna puke !

    HANDS IS SWEATING BULLETS WHEN THE DOOR ZAPS OPEN AND CHUNKY COMES IN , CARRYING A PACKING CASE OF STINKY-O. ARMS, LEGS AND OTHER BODY PARTS IS FILLED TO THE TOP. BOTH HANDS AND LEE START TO LAUGH OUT LOUD.

    LEE :
    Hehehehe, what happened ?

    CHUNKY SETS THE CASE ON A TABLE, GRUNTING AND GROANING N EXPLANATION

    HANDS :
    Where ? You found him in a junk pile ?...somebody, finally beat us to putting that stuck up droid out of his misery.

    LEE :
    Hehehehe, Yeah, but we still might need him. What a mess. Chunky, do you think you can repair him.

    THE GIANT COOKIE STUDIES THE ARRAY OF ROBOT PARTS. HE LOOKS AT THE PRINCESS AND STARTS TO GIVE A BIG COOKIE LAUGH.

    HANDS
    ( Very excited ) : Billy Dee's got people who can fix him.

    LEE
    ( Annoyed look on her face ) : What are you two ? Spit brothers ?, I don't care about Billy Dee's peoples. Thanks, but no thanks.

    THERE IS A BUZZ AND THE DOOR SLIDES OPEN, REVEALING THE SUAVE AND GHETTO FABULOUS, BILLY DEE, A MAN WHO ISNT FREAKY OR DISGUSTING

    BILLY DEE :
    I'm sorry. Am I interrupting anything ?

    HANDS :
    Not really, I was just telling Lee that she looks absolutely beautiful. And that she truly belongs here among the clouds.

    BILLY DEE :
    I think you two are just perfect for each other. Even though you may argue from time to time, you both have a deep bond between you. I am truly happy for you two.

    LEE
    ( Eyes wide in shock, she give a devilish grin ) : You know, You ain't ****, Billy Dee, easy for you to say after you've just 'scored' with another man's girlfriend.

    THE ENTIRE ROOM GOES INTO A DEEP SILENCE. HANDS SLOWLY TURNS TOWARDS BILLY DEE

    BILLY DEE: Care to join me for a refreshment? Everyone's invited, of course.

    INT-ASPIRIN-CLOD CITY-HALLWAY:

    BILLY DEE: I've had supply problems of every kind, labor difficulties...

    They walk by a huge window that wasn't there before The Special Editions.

    HANDS: Well aren't you afraid the Empire will discover this little operation, shut you down?

    BILLY DEE: Hands, about that....

    He opens the big white door.

    At the other end of a long white table is Darth Vacuous, Bubba Fett at his side. Several Stomptroopers form up behind Hands and Lee and CHUNKY.


    HANDS fires his blaster several times at Vacuous, who blocks his blasts with his glove, then Vacuous Force-grabs Hand's gun out of his hand.

    VACUOUS: We would be honoured if you would be our prisoner.

    HANDS: W**?

    BILLY DEE: I had no choice, they arrived just before you did.

    LEE: This is one of those times when 'I told you so'...just won't cut it.


    EXT. MARCUS'S X-WING - ASPIRIN SYSTEM

    Marcus's X-Wing speeds towards the planet of Aspirin.

    INT. MARCUS'S X-WING - COCKPIT

    Marcus is squirming and fidgeting in his seat.

    MARCUS:
    Oh, man. I knew I should have gone before I left Dayglobah!

    ARTOO:
    Ah, the joys of being a robot. No worries, no pressure...

    MARCUS:
    Ah! Don't say that word!

    ARTOO:
    Hey, look at all those storm clouds on the planet. Looks like rain's coming. Gallons of water, falling from the sky, dripping, dripping...

    MARCUS:
    Just hang on. We're almost there.

    ARTOO:
    Here, I'll play something to calm you down. How about "Sounds of the Rainforest"?

    MARCUS:
    I'll kill you!!

    INT. ASPIRIN - CLOD CITY (NO, THAT'S NOT A TYPO) - PRISON ENTRY AREA

    Darth Vacuous strides through the room as two stomptroopers prepare an elaborate restraining mechanism. Hands is strapped to a rack that keeps him from moving.

    HANDS:
    Go ahead and torture me! I won't crack.

    VACUOUS:
    Oh, I believe you will. You don't even know what kind of suffering is in store for you.

    HANDS:
    You forget, I've been locked on a ship with Lee and Stinky-O.

    Vacuous merely smiles, then steps aside as another figure hobbles into the room on one leg and a crutch.

    STINKY-O:
    Hello, Captain Solo! The Imperials were kind enough to repair my motivator, so I'm back to my old cheerful self!

    INT. CLOD CITY - HOLDING CHAMBER

    The door opens, and Vacuous leaves the torture chamber just as Hands screams a sharp, piercing cry of agony. In the holding chamber, Bubba Fett, GENERAL RIKKAN, and Billy Dee await Vacuous.

    BILLY DEE:
    Lord Vacuous!

    VACUOUS:
    (to Fett) You may take Solo to Pizza the Hutt after I have Streetwalker.

    BUBBA FETT:
    He's no good to me dead.

    VACUOUS:
    He will not be permanently damaged. He might want to favor his other leg for a while, though.

    RIKKAN:
    ******' A.

    BILLY DEE:
    What about Lee and the Cookiee?

    VACUOUS:
    They must never again leave this city. We'll get some of those little house arrest anklets for them.

    BILLY DEE:
    That was never a part of our arrangement, nor was giving Hands to this bounty hunter!

    Whack

    VACUOUS:
    Why are you so pissed? Listen a little closer this time. LEE CAN NEVER LEAVE THIS CITY. SHE MUST SPEND THE REST OF HER LIFE UNDER YOUR SUPERVISION.

    RIKKAN:
    Damn straight, man. Stop your whining. The only other option is to kill her.

    BUBBA FETT:
    She's no good to him dead. Well, not much good, at least.

    VACUOUS:
    Perhaps you think you're being treated unfairly?

    BILLY DEE:
    No. No, of course not.

    VACUOUS:
    Good. It would be unfortunate if I had to leave a chaperone here.

    The elevator doors close on Vacuous.

    BILLY DEE:
    (clenching a fist) This date keeps getting worse all the time . . .

    INT. CLOD CITY - LARGE CELL

    Chunky sits alone. A door slides open, and a ragged Hands Solo is shoved into the room by two stomptroopers. Barking his concern, the Cookiee picks Hands up. Hands is . . . well, to be honest, he looks like hell.

    HANDS: I feel terrible.


    Whack

    HANDS:
    Oh, thanks! Now I feel soooo much better!

    The door opens again, and Lee walks in, chatting softly with the guard. She laughs at some joke, then waves goodbye as the door shuts.

    LEE:
    Wow! Can you believe how well they're treating us here? This is the nicest captivity I can remember.

    Hands and Chunky stare at her.

    LEE:
    What, you didn't like your spas?

    HANDS:
    You got a spa?

    LEE:
    Yeah. It was right after the massage.

    HANDS:
    You got a massage?!

    LEE:
    Well, you had a choice of that or being tortured by Stinky-O. They asked me which I wanted, I told them.

    HANDS:
    They never even asked me any questions.

    LEE:
    Sucks to be you.

    The door slides open yet again. This time, Billy Dee enters.

    LEE:
    Billy Dee.

    HANDS:
    Get out of here, Billy!

    BILLY DEE:
    Shut up and listen! Now, Vacuous has agreed to turn Lee and Chunky over to me.

    HANDS:
    You?!

    LEE:
    Tough but fair. Deal.

    BILLY DEE:
    There's more! And it's bad news.

    LEE:
    We don't get any more spas?

    BILLY DEE:
    No.

    HANDS:
    Vacuous is going to give me to the bounty hunter?

    BILLY DEE:
    Yes.

    LEE:
    But we stil get the spas, right?

    BILLY DEE:
    Yeah.

    LEE:
    So what's the problem?

    HANDS:
    Hey! I'm standing right here, you know!

    LEE:
    Not for long, you won't be. Say hi to Pizza for me.

    HANDS:
    Vacuous wants us all dead!

    Bubba Fett sticks his head in the door.

    BUBBA:
    You're no good to him dead.

    HANDS:
    Will you stop saying that!?!

    BILLY DEE:
    Look, Vacuous isn't interested in you at all. He's after someone called Streetwalker. Lord Vacuous has set a trap for him.

    LEE:
    And we're the bait!

    Whack

    LEE:
    Ow!

    BILLY DEE:
    Yeah, well it worked. He's on his way.

    HANDS:
    You fixed us all real good, didn't you? My friend!

    He stands up, balling his hands into fists. Instantly, the two guards next to Billy Dee snap their rifles up to point right in his face. Hands stops, looks around sheepishly for a moment, then sits back down.

    HANDS:
    Uh . . . my leg cramped up.

    BILLY DEE:
    I've done all I can. Sorry I couldn't do better, but I got my own problems.

    HANDS:
    Yeah, you're a regular hero.

    LEE:
    Oh, will you stop your b****ing? He got me and Chunky off, what more could you ask for?

    HANDS:
    How about getting me off?

    LEE:
    Now you're just being ridiculous.

    HANDS:
    (whining) But I don't wanna be given to the bounty hunter!

    LEE:
    Stop it!

    Whack

    Hands hits the floor, unconscious.

    BILLY DEE:
    (smirking) You certainly do have a way with people.

    INT. CLOD CITY - CARBON-FREEZING CHAMBER

    Armor-suited stomptroopers stand at the ready in a large chamber, filled with pipes and tanks. In the middle of the room is a round pit housing a hydraulic platform. Darth Vacuous, Billy Dee, and GENERAL RIKKAN stand near the platform.

    VACUOUS:
    This facility is crude, but it should be adequate to freeze Streetwalker for his journey to the Emperor.

    EXTRA:
    Lord Vacuous, ship approaching. X-Wing class.

    VACUOUS:
    Good. Monitor Streetwalker and allow him to land.

    BILLY DEE:
    Lord Vacuous, you haven't been listening to me. This isn't a carbon-freezing chamber, it's an ice cream factory. You put him in there . . . it could bury him in rich, creamy goodness.

    BUBBA FETT perks up, interested.

    VACUOUS:
    I do not want the Emperor's prize damaged.

    RIKKAN:
    Test it on that Solo punk.

    VACUOUS:
    Hey, I like the way you think!

    RIKKAN:
    Thanks! (to Billy Dee) Hey, why are you so sad?

    BILLY DEE:
    Oh, I just have to look upset so everyone knows I'm really a nice guy and plan to save them after all.

    RIKKAN:
    Gotcha.

    EXT. ASPIRIN - MARCUS'S X-WING

    Marcus's X-Wing speeds through the clouds.

    INT. MARCUS'S X-WING - COCKPIT

    Marcus sits perfectly still, staring directly ahead, his face set.

    ARTOO:
    Do you have a spare flight suit you can-

    MARCUS:
    Shut up.

    (Pause.)

    ARTOO:
    Look, when I played the tape, I never thought you would actually-

    MARCUS:
    Shut up.

    (Pause.)

    ARTOO:
    Hey, at least you got it over with, right?

    (Marcus's face twitches.)

    INT. ASPIRIN- CLOD CITY - CARBON-FREEZ- ER, ICE CREAM FACTORY

    There is great activity on the freezing platform. Six funky-looking midgets are finishing preparing the chamber. Hands, Lee, Chunky, and Stinky-O are led into the chamber.

    HANDS
    (to Billy Dee): What's going on . . . buddy?

    BILLY DEE:
    You're being put into Tripple Ripple Fudge.

    BUBBA FETT:
    What if he doesn't survive?

    VACUOUS:
    Then he'll be dead. And two plus two is four. Any other questions you wanted me to clear up?

    BUBBA:
    He's no good to me-

    Whack

    VACUOUS: WHAT did Hands say about SAYING that?

    He motions to several stomptroopers, who begin pushing Hands onto the platform. With a loud roar, Chunky rips off one of Stinky-O's legs and starts clubbing stomptroopers with it.

    STINKY-O:
    (hopping) Hey! I was using that!

    Stomptroopers rush around him, but Chunky bats them left and right. Suddenly, Hands breaks free and runs up to him.

    HANDS:
    Hey, hey! Listen to me, Chunky. There'll be another time. The princess--you have to take care of her. You hear me?

    Lee sniffs.

    HANDS:
    And Stinky-O--you gotta put his leg back on. Sure, you may have ripped it off, but someone has to reattach it, and who better than the mindless brute who tore it off in the first place?

    STINKY-O:
    Can't argue with that.

    HANDS:
    And little Timmy, the sick orphan on Corellia--we need to raise money for his operation, and with me double-dipped and covered with chocolate, you'll be the only one to-

    RIKKAN:
    Oh, for ******'* sake, freeze the son of a b**** and let's get on with our lives!

    HANDS:
    Hey, maybe you don't realize it, but because of you I'm going to be a garden sculpture in Pizza's palace in a couple of days.

    RIKKAN: You're breaking my ******' heart. Maybe I'll drop by every couple of years and hose the pigeon **** off you.

    VACUOUS:
    Look, I hate to break this up, but I have a long-lost , um...son to capture, so if you don't mind?

    BUBBA:
    (grumbling) He'd better survive this.

    VACUOUS:
    I'm so glad you're concerned with everyone's survival. (he begins pointing around the room) Well look, he survived, I survived, you survived...

    BUBBA:
    It's just the money, all right?

    VACUOUS
    : We oughta form a band. Call ourselves 'The Survivors'.

    BUBBA:
    Sc*** you.

    VACUOUS:
    Whatever you say, sport. Now put him in already!

    Hands turns to Princess Lee. They look sorrowfully at one another, then Hands moves towards her and gives her a final, passionate kiss.

    LEE:
    I'm pregnant.

    HANDS:
    I kno- YOU'RE WHAT!?!

    Two funky midgets start dragging him into the pit.

    LEE:
    I meant to tell you sooner, but I wanted to wait until I really knew for certain.

    Slowly, a massive pair of hydraulic tongs lift the frozen space pirate out of the vat and place him on the platform. Several funky midgets gather around and push him over. Slowly, they begin dancing around Hands while music starts playing.

    MIDGETS:
    Oompa loompa doompity doo,
    We're not all frozen, it sucks to be you.
    Oompa loompa doompity dee,
    I hope that Lord Vacuous doesn't freeze me.
    Oompa loompa doompity day,
    Here comes Bubba Fett to take you away.
    Oompa loompa doompity doo,
    We'll hose the pigeon **** off of you!


    BILLY DEE:
    Hey! I thought I told you guys no more singing!

    MIDGETS:
    Oompa loompa doompity dass,
    Why don't you take your thumb out of your-


    BILLY DEE:
    Get the hell out of here!

    He shoos them away from Hands, and bends down to read an electrical device set into the side of the ice cream.

    VACUOUS:
    Well, Calrissian? Did he survive? (he turns to Bubba Fett) Ha! Beat you to it!

    BUBBA FETT:
    Damn!

    BILLY DEE:
    Yes, he's alive. And in perfect hibernation.

    VACUOUS:
    He's all yours, bounty hunter. Reset the chamber for Streetwalker.

    EXTRA:
    Streetwalker has just landed, my lord.

    VACUOUS:
    Good. See to it that he finds his way here. (eyeing Lee) Calrissian, bring the princess to my ship.

    ION CANNON CHICK:
    Hey!

    VACUOUS:
    Er, bring the princess and the Cookiee to my ship for . . . questioning. Yes, that's it.

    (Old reference. Check way back to the invasion of Hot if you've forgotten about that scene.)

    BILLY DEE:
    You said they would be left in the city under my supervision! And before that, you said you wouldn't give Hands to the bounty hunter! And before *that*, you said you just wanted to chat with them over coffee!

    VACUOUS:
    Yes, well what I said was true. From a certain point of view. (There is a brief pause before Vacuous bursts out laughing) Man, I've always wanted to say that. I can't believe I kept a straight face.

    BILLY DEE:
    But we had a deal!

    VACUOUS:
    Face the facts, buddy, I'm in charge here. In fact, I don't like that couch where you've got it. Move it over to that viewport, that way you'll get a nice view of the sunset.

    BILLY DEE:
    You said the couch would be left against the wall!

    VACUOUS:
    I am rearranging your furniture. Pray I don't rearrange it any further. Now dance for me! Dance!

    BILLY DEE:
    Now you're just being silly.

    VACUOUS:
    (with a menacing wave of the hand) Perhaps you think you're being treated unfairly?

    BILLY DEE:
    Perhaps I think I am being treated unfairly.

    VACUOUS:
    Whoops, wrong hand wave.

    INT. ASPIRIN - CLOD CITY - CORRIDOR - DAY

    As Marcus and Artoo move carefully down a deserted corridor, they hear a group of people approaching. Bubba Fett enters from a side hallway, followed by two guards carrying Hands by a big wooden stick that's been stuck into the ice cream. (Think popsicle) Mustering all of his Jedi training, Marcus glides down the hall, making no more noise than a gentle breeze. Carefully peering around the corner, he trips over his shoelaces and plummets into a pile of precariously stacked cans.

    *CRASH CLATTER BANG SMASH "OW!" CLATTER "WHOA!" RATTLE P-TANG CRASH CRASH "OY!" WOBBLE WOBBLE wobble*

    TROOPER 1:
    What was that?

    TROOPER 2:
    Nothing. Outgassing. Don't worry about it.

    Another group of Imperials round the corner with Lee, Chunky, Billy Dee and RIKKAN in tow.

    LEE:
    Nice. You really need to work on your rescues, you know that?

    MARCUS:
    Hey, this is harder than it looks!

    LEE:
    Yeah, right. At this rate, you'll probably let Vacuous cut your hand off.

    MARCUS:
    Yeah, sure. And you're my long-lost twin sister. Whatever.

    RIKKAN:
    Enough already! G**, all you people do is talk, talk, talk.

    He drags Lee through another corridor, and the rest of the Imperials follow him. Marcus dashes after them, only to pass by a corridor with a sign saying, "This way to climactic brightsabre duel with Darth Vacuous." Marcus is torn, trying to decide which way to go.

    MARCUS:
    Oh, man . . . what would Yoga do?

    A ghostly blue figure of the Jedi Master appears.

    YOGA: Kick some a**!

    MARCUS:
    YIPPEE!


    INT. CLOD CITY - ICE CREAM FACTORY

    Marcus rises into the chamber, borne by a platform. The room is deathly quiet. Very little steam escapes from the pipes, and no one else seems to be in the large room. Warily, Marcus walks toward the stairway. Suddenly, the lights are turned on. Looking up through the steam, Marcus sees a figure standing on the walkway above him. Confident and brash, young Streetwalker ascends the stairway to face the dark lord.

    VACUOUS:
    The Force is with you, young Streetwalker. But you are not a Jedi yet.

    MARCUS:
    Oh, yeah? Watch *this*!

    With a sudden movement, Marcus whips his hands up, bringing to the ready . . . nothing.

    VACUOUS:
    Watch what?

    MARCUS:
    What the hell!?

    He starts patting his pockets frantically.

    VACUOUS:
    Looking for something?

    He holds up Marcus's brightsabre.

    MARCUS:
    What the- How the hell did you get that!?

    VACUOUS:
    Oh, please. I can't believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book.

    He ignites his own brightsabre.

    VACUOUS:
    Now you see that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb.

    MARCUS:
    Oh, man. (he looks upward) Master Yoga, I need your guidance!

    A ghostly blue figure of the diminutive Jedi Master appears.

    YOGA:
    (shaking his head) For two months do I train you, and the best you can offer this is. Screwed you are, young Streetwalker.

    VACUOUS:
    Hey! No coaching during the final battle! Get lost, you little runt!

    Yoga disappears.

    MARCUS:
    Oh, great.

    He backs away as Vacuous approaches slowly, his mind racing as he tries to think of a way out of this situation.

    MARCUS:
    Uh . . . look behind you!

    VACUOUS:
    What?

    He turns around. The instant his back is turned, Marcus bolts.

    VACUOUS:
    I don't see anything. What am I supposed to be looking for- hey! Come back here!

    INT. ASPIRIN-CLOD CITY - CORRIDOR

    Lee, Billy Dee, Chunky, RIKKAN, and Stinky-O (hopping on one leg) march along, guarded by stomptroopers. The group reaches an intersection, where a dozen of Billy Dee's guard stand ready. Rather than doing something intelligent for a change, the stomptroopers stand around while Billy Dee takes their guns.

    BILLY DEE:
    Good work. Hold them in the security tower, and keep it quiet.

    LEE:
    What do you think you're doing?

    BILLY DEE:
    We're getting out of here.

    LEE:
    Why?

    BILLY DEE:
    Because we have to have a plot.

    He finishes freeing Chunky's hands. With a loud roar, Chunky runs over to GENERAL RIKKAN. RIKKAN takes one look and starts running away.

    RIKKAN:
    Hey! Get this thing away from me!

    LEE:
    After what you did to Hands? Get 'im, Chunky!

    RIKKAN trips and falls down. In one swift motion, Chunky reaches down, rips off his legs, and starts beating him with them.

    RIKKAN:
    OW! Damnit, I needed those!

    STINKY-O:
    Chunkalunk, stop it this instant, you're being foolish! Use my leg, it's heavier!

    (Chunky shrugs, then rips off Stinky-O's other leg and starts hitting RIKKAN with it.)

    STINKY-O:
    Not that one, you furry oaf! It was my last one!

    BILLY DEE:
    I hate to break this up, but there's still a chance to save Hands.

    LEE:
    Shut up, I'm trying to watch.

    BILLY DEE:
    I'm only trying to help.

    LEE:
    We don't need any of your help.

    RIKKAN:
    No, he's-

    Whack

    RIKKAN:
    -right. We ha-

    Whack

    RIKKAN:
    -have to have a-

    Whack

    RIKKAN: -plot, remember?

    Whack

    RIKKAN:
    WOULD YOU STOP DOING THAT!?!

    CHUNKY
    : Rowgh. (subtitled: No.)

    Whack

    LEE:
    Damnit, he's right. Come on, Chunky, let's go.

    Chunky picks up Stinky-O and slings him onto his back before running after Lee and Billy Dee.

    RIKKAN:
    I knew I shouldn't have beaten the Wookiee at that game of holo-chess.

    EXT. ASPIRIN -CLOD CITY - EAST LANDING PLATFORM - BUBBA FETT'S SHIP-AMISTAD I

    BUBBA:
    Put Captain Solo in the freezer.

    IMPERIAL
    : I dunno. You sure he'll survive that?

    BUBBA:
    Oh, ha ha ha. Very funny.

    INT. ASPIRIN -CLOD CITY - CORRIDOR

    Billy Dee, Lee, and Chunky run down a Clod City corridor. Artoo rushes after them, beeping wildly.

    STINKY-O:
    Artoo! Quick, we're trying to save Hands from the bounty hunter!

    INT. ASPIRIN-CLOD CITY - ICE CREAM FACTORY

    Vacuous is chasing Marcus around the freezing pit.

    VACUOUS:
    Come back here and fight me like a man, you little wussy!

    MARCUS:
    No!

    Looking back over his shoulder, Marcus accidently trips over a length of pipe, sending it flying at Vacuous. The pipe hits Marcus' brightsabre and knocks it off Vacuous' belt, where it flies directly into the young Jedi's hand.

    MARCUS:
    (looking at the sabre) Huh?

    VACUOUS:
    Very clever.

    MARCUS:
    Uh . . . yeah! Yeah, I meant to do that.

    He ignites his sabre and moves to face Vacuous.

    VACUOUS:
    You have learned much, young one.

    MARCUS:
    You'll find I'm full of surprises.

    Vacuous catches Marcus' blade on his own, and with a quick twist, sends his weapon flying through the air.

    MARCUS:
    Uh . . . surprise?

    Vacuous swipes at his feet, forcing Marcus to jump back. Losing his balance, Marcus falls down the stairs to the freezing pit. Stunned, he looks up just in time to see Vacuous flying down towards him like a giant black bird. Which, if you've never had happen to you, is quite disconcerting.

    VACUOUS:
    Your destiny lies with me, Streetwalker. Ob-Ewan knew this to be true.

    MARCUS:
    Enough with all this destiny crap!

    VACUOUS:
    Er . . . beg pardon?

    MARCUS:
    Everyone's always telling me my destiny. Stay at the farm, Marcus. Come with me to All-Drained, Marcus. Stay and complete the training, Marcus. Stop using your brightsabre to open cans, Marcus. Don't tease the dog, Marcus. Where has that finger been, Marcus?

    VACUOUS:
    Oh, enough already!

    He Force-palms Marcus into the freezing pit, and activates the controls.

    VACUOUS:
    Geez. I'm starting to wonder if this is really worth the effort.

    Something blurs upward out of the pit. It is Marcus, who has leapt fifteen feet straight up to slam his head into the ceiling.

    Whack

    MARCUS:
    Ow!

    Vacuous nods.

    VACUOUS: Impressive.

    As he starts to fall, one of Marcus' feet gets entangled in the pipes, and he is left hanging upside down.

    VACUOUS:
    Most impressive.

    Marcus' foot slips out of the tangle of pipes, and he lands heavily on the platform.

    VACUOUS:
    Ob-Ewan has taught you well. You have learned to control your power.

    Marcus staggers to his feet, brightsabre in hand. He fixes a somewhat woozy look on Vacuous.

    VACUOUS:
    Okay, maybe 'control' is too strong a word. But now you must release your anger! Only your hatred can defeat me!

    MARCUS:
    I must admit, you are my better.

    VACUOUS:
    Then why are you smiling?

    MARCUS:
    Because I know something that you don't.

    VACUOUS:
    And what is that?

    MARCUS:
    I am not left-handed!

    Marcus tosses his brightsabre into his other hand and comes after Vacuous with a blindingly fast attack combination. The Dark Lord is pushed back to the edge of the platform, where he loses his balance and falls off.

    Marcus twirls his brightsabre twice before deactivating it.

    MARCUS:
    All too easy.

    INT. CLOUD CITY - CORRIDOR LEADING TO LANDING PLATFORM


    BILLY DEE, CHUNKY, LEE AND THE DROIDS COME ROUND A CORNER AND HEAD FOR THE DOOR TO THE LANDING PLATFORM, BILLY IS SEEN PUSHING A SERIES OF BUTTONS,

    COMPUTER VOICE : Welcome to cloud city emergency escape landing platform..please enter name and password.

    HE ENTERS THE CODES

    COMPUTER VOICE : Ah, ah, ah, please enter name and password.

    HE TRIES AGAIN

    COMPUTER VOICE : Invalid log entry..please try again later

    BILLY DEE : But I......

    COMPUTER VOICE : I said....later, man !

    BILLY DEE : Oooooookaaaay, who the hell changed my security codes ?!

    STINKY-O : Artoo, you can tell the computer to override the security system..c'mon hurry

    STINKY-O POINTS TO A COMPUTER SOCKET ON THE CONTROL PANEL. ARTOO BEEPS AND SCOOTS OVER TO THE TERMINAL AS BILLY DEE WALKS TO ANOTHER SOCKET WHERE A COMLINK SITS

    BILLY DEE : Attention, this is Billy Dee Calrissian, The party's over folks , the empire has taken control of the city. Everything is in their power, even the toilet facilities ! I don't know about the rest of you guys, but I'm ghost like Michael Landon...Peace !

    SUDDENLY ARTOO GET ELECTROCUTED BY THE SOCKET. HE PULLS OUT AS HIS METAL HEAD SPINS AROUND WITH SMOKE COMING OUT OF HIM.

    BILLY DEE : This way, I'm not sticking around to lose more than my title of administrator. Galley slave doesn't suit the smooth operator that I am.

    BILLY DEE, LEE, CHUNKY AND THE DROIDS FLEE DOWN THE CORRIDOR. ARTOO GIVES A SERIES OF LOUD BEEPS TO STINKY-O

    STINKY-O : You lucky I'm stuck on the back of this furry mutt of a cookie, otherwise I would have slap the metal taste out your mouth. I'm an interpreter, I'm not supposed to know a power socket from a computer terminal... But I know the difference between your mother and the circus fat lady...your mother is bigger ! Hahahaha !

    INT. CLOUD CITY - CORRIDOR

    IN A PANIC, CLOUD CITY RESIDENTS ARE TRYIN TO HIGH TAIL IT OUT OF THE CITY. SOME ARE CARRYING BOXES, OTHERS ARE CARRYING OTHER PERSONAL BELONGINGS. AN ALIEN RESIDENT ACCIDENTALLY BUMPS INTO BILLY DEE

    ALIEN ( screaming at the top of lungs ) : J**** Tap dancing ******, Billy Dee, we're all gonna die !!! I don't wanna die, Billy Dee...I like the night life,... I like to boogie...on the disco....

    BILLY DEE ( pimp slapping the alien resident with the back of his hand ) : Get a hold of yourself you G****** sissy !! There's no way I can save you ! Its every man for himself !!

    ALIEN ( Shaking in fear ) : What about that speech that you gave to the general assembly, talking about how you will always be here to lead us through times of darkness ?!!

    BILLY DEE : B**** ! I lied !!! Don't you're dumb alien country backwoods a** know anything about politics ?!

    ALIEN ( Looking thoughtful and pensive ) : Is this a trick question ?

    WHACK !!!

    BILLY DEE : Get outta my way! I got a fountain to catch !!

    OTHER STOMPTROOPERS THAT WAS PURSUING THE GROUP OF HEROES , FIRE THEIR LASER PULSE BLASTERS AT THEM. MEANWHILE ARTOO COMES UP TO THE RIGHT TERMINAL AND PLUGS IN TO OVERRIDE THE COMPUTER SYSTEM. HE GIVES A COUPLE OF BEEPS TO STINKY-O

    STINKY-O ( Highly agitated ) : What the hell are you talking about it ? We're not interested in how many cable channels Yoga has in his hut ! Just open the door, moron !

    CHUNKY, LEE AND BILLY DEE RETREAT ALONG THE CORRIDORS., CHUNKY AND LEE FIRING BACK WITH THEIR PULSE RIFLES.

    LEE ( Glancing at chunky ) : I'm out off ammo, chunky ! Give me a extra clip, baby.

    CHUNKY AS HE'S FIRING HIS WEAPON, PULLS OUT A AMMO CLIP AND FLIPS IT OVER TO LEE , WHO CATCHES IT AND RELOADS IN ONE SWIFT MOTION. SHE CONTINUES BLASTING AWAY TAKING OUT A COUPLE MORE STOMPTROOPERS.

    BILLY DEE AND STINKY-O ( At the same time ) : DAMN ! YOU GO GIRL !

    ARTOO GIVES A TRIUMPHANT BEEP AS THE CORRIDOR DOOR FINALLY OPENS.

    STINKY-O : It's about time ! Oh, Oh..stomptroopers coming in hot pursuit..Artoo use the bat fogger device in your utility belt, that should slow them down.

    ARTOO LAYS A CLOUD FOG, OBSCURING EVERYTHING, AS THE GROUP DASHES TO THE FOUNTAIN, BOARD IT, AND TAKE OFF

    INT. ASPIRIN-CLOD CITY - TUNNEL AND REACTOR CONTROL ROOM

    Moving through the tunnel-like entrance, Marcus approaches the reactor room, which looks suspiciously like an empty room with a bunch of boxes and a big window. A movement to the side alerts him, and he ignites his sabre as Vacuous approaches him.

    VACUOUS
    : You know, there's really something I should tell you.

    MARCUS:
    And what's that?

    VACUOUS:
    I'm not left-handed either!

    MARCUS:
    Then hit me. If you can.

    Whack

    MARCUS:
    Ow!

    VACUOUS:
    Like that?

    MARCUS:
    No fair! You can't throw boxes at me!

    VACUOUS:
    If you insist.

    WHACK

    MARCUS:
    OR LEAD PIPES!!

    VACUOUS:
    Okay, okay. I promise I won't throw anything else at you.

    MARCUS:
    That's better.

    Vacuous waves his hand, and a huge box crashes through the window.

    MARCUS:
    Son of a-

    He is unable to finish the line before getting sucked out the window. Vacuous runs over to the edge and looks out. Marcus has caught hold of a ledge, and is dangling over the dangerous drop.

    VACUOUS:
    A worthy foe indeed. You have not escaped yet, young--

    He straightens too quickly and whacks his head on the window.

    Whack

    VACUOUS:
    Damnit!

    MARCUS:
    (faintly) Ha-ha!

    MARCUS CLIMBS ONTO A NARROW CATWALK.
    VACUOUS CLIMBS OUT OF THE WINDOW OF THE SAME CATWALK. THEIR SABRES IGNITE. VAC STIKES OVER AND OVER, MARC DODGING, BLOCKING AND PARRYING EACH BLOW



    VAC: Look! A naked supermodel!

    MARC
    (Turning his head): Where?

    SEIZING THE OPPORTUNITY, VACUOUS KICKS MARC IN THE CHEST, KNOCKING MARCUS ONTO HIS BACK.
    VAC HOLDS HIS SABRE TO MARC'S THROAT.


    VAC:
    You are beaten. Resistance is futile.

    MARCUS:
    Look! A flying hippo. (there reeally is one)

    VAC
    (looking): What the hell-?!

    MARCUS SWEEPS VAC'S SABRE AWAY FROM HIS THROAT. HE RUNS OVER TO A LARGE FIN.
    VACUOUS SURPRISE ATTACKS HIM.

    MARC:
    How did you get here, you were just-

    VAC:
    You'll find I'm full of surprises.

    THEY FIGHT ON.

    INT. ASPIRIN- CLOUD CITY CATWALK

    VACUOUS AND MARCUS CONTINUES TO FIGHT THEIR BRIGHTSABRE BATTLE WITH NO ONE GIVING AND INCH TO EACH OTHER AS THEY SURGE BACK AND FORTH ON THE WINDY CLOUD CITY CATWALK. VACUOUS IS OBVIOUSLY MORE TRAINED THAN THE FARMERS HAND..

    THEY GET TO THE END OF THE CATWALK, MARCUS IS VERY NERVOUS CAUSE HE DOESN'T HAVE NO WHERE ELSE TO RUN. VACUOUS SMELLS HIS FEAR AND IT DOES SMELL AWFUL, AS HE CONTINUES THE ASSAULT. MARCUS GETS TRIPPED UP AND FALLS ON THE FLOOR

    VACUOUS
    ( pointing his saber at Marcus ) : Marcus, I don't think you realize, just exactly who it is you're dealing with here. Didn't anybody warn you about me ? Didn't Obi-Ewan tell you how I waxed his a** on the deadly star, boy.... you better start coming to your senses.

    MARCUS
    ( scared but determined ) :Blimey, mate ! I've been besmirched ! Piss off, Vacuous.

    THE YOUNG FOOL SWIPES VACUOUS' BLADE AWAY FROM HIM AS THE FIGHT CONTINUES ON. THEY BATTLE FOR A FEW MOMENTS MORE BEFORE VACUOUS SLICES OFF MARCUS' HAND IN WHICH IT FLIES DOWN THE SHAFT, BRIGHT SABRE AND ALL. MARCUS DOESN'T EVEN NOTICES HIS HAND BEING CUT OFF UNTIL

    MARCUS :
    Okay, Vacuous, no more mister nice guy, Now I'm gonna....

    HE SUDDENLY LOOKS AT HIS SEVERED HAND

    MARCUS
    ( shocked as he continues to look ) : Wheres my weapon... wait a minute, forget the weapon, wheres my hand ?! This is the hand I use every night to....... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ( he screams in pain )

    VACUOUS :
    Thats right, Marcus..No more free nights with theIntergalactic Playboy magazines for you. Don't make me destroy your punk a**, I swear to GOD I'll do it.

    MARCUS STAGGERS BACKWARDS TOWARDS THE LARGE POST AT THE END OF THE CATWALK AS VACUOUS CONTINUES TO TEMP THE YOUNG FOOL,

    VACUOUS :
    Marcus, you cant be a little wuss all your life. Come and join me, and I will complete your training in ways your tired old cable watching master, could never do. Ob- Ewan never told you what happen to your father..

    MARCUS JUMPS TO GRAB A PART OF THE LONG POST AND HANDS ON FOR DEAR LIFE AS THE AUDIENCE IS STILL SHOCKED THAT HE DIDN'T DROP DEAD FROM THE SHOCK AND BLOOD LOSS.

    MARCUS
    ( looking enraged ) : He told me enough !! He told me you killed him !!

    VACUOUS :
    NO...I am your...

    SUDDENLY A LOUD CELL PHONE RINGS PLAYING THE IMPERIAL MARCH. VACUOUS GOES INTO HIS BELT TO OPEN AND TAKE THE CALL.

    VACUOUS
    ( speaking into his phone ) : Yeah ?! Uhhhhhhh... I want 2200 on sweet lemon pie to win in the fifth. Uh huh, ...uh huh..... are you kidding me ? This is sure fire winner right here. My sources ? Who needs bookies when you have the force. Yeah, okay..let me know what happens...aight, later !

    HE PUTS HIS PHONE BACK AND LOOKS AT MARCUS

    VACUOUS :
    I'm sorry...uhhhh where was we ?

    MARCUS
    ( looking enraged ) : He told me enough !! He told me you killed him !!

    VACUOUS :
    NO...I am your...

    SUDDENLY THE CELL PHONE RINGS AGAIN, PLAYING THE IMPERIAL MARCH. VACUOUS GOES INTO HIS BELT TO OPEN AND TAKE THE CALL.

    VACUOUS
    ( Speaking into the phone with a more pissed off voice ) : Yeah ?! listen..I'm a little bit busy right now..can we.... uh, huh.....un huh..... hmmmmm, Linda is her name ? Did she leave a number ? No ?...damn ! Huh ?..... She can do what with her tongue....? Oh, yeah... I like that ! Laet me know the next time she call and tell her to leave a number...yeah, okay..later !

    HE PUTS HIS PHONE BACK AND LOOKS AT MARCUS...AGAIN

    VACUOUS :
    I'm really sorry....where was we again ?

    MARCUS
    ( looking enraged ) :He told me enough !! He told me you killed him !!

    VACUOUS : NO... G********!! I... am your...

    SUDDENLY THE CELL PHONE RINGS AGAIN, PLAYING THE IMPERIAL MARCH. VACUOUS, WHOSE EXTREMELY PISSED AT THIS POINT, GOES INTO HIS BELT TO OPEN THE PHONE AND TAKE THE CALL.

    VACUOUS
    ( Yelling into the phone ) : What the **** is the problem, now, you low level lackeys ?!

    HIS EXPRESSION IMMEDIATELY CHANGES ONCE HE FINDS OUT JUST WHO IT IS HES TALKING TO

    VACUOUS
    ( sounding wimpy and apologetic ) : Oh, yes sir ! Sorry, sir, I didn't know it was you on the phone, sir ! Yes, sir, I , well I already paid you back for that......interest? Pudu! Ok, Master.

    Hangs up.

    VACUOUS: Marcus....I am your uncle, well, like your uncle. I am your Uncle O-WAN's brother. Ob-Ewan McNobi is your father.

    MARCUS: No, NO , NOOOOOOOOOOO!

    VACUOUS: Join me and we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy!

    MARCUS: Sc*** you! You killed my father!

    Lets go of catwalk, plummets hundreds of meters down the seemingly bottomless shaft.

    VACUOUS( Looks down after him): Was it something I said? Oh, I'd better get to my ship!

    INT. MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT

    LEE SEEMS TO BE LOST IN HER OWN LITTLE WORLD. CHUNKY IS BUSY FLYING THE SHIP AS BILLY DEE DOWNS ANOTHER CAN OF COLT 45. SUDDENLY HER EYES WIDEN AS IF SHE'S MADE A STARTLING DISCOVERY

    LEE :
    Marcus... We've gots to go back.

    CHUNKY GROWLS IN SURPRISE. BILLY DEE LOOKS IN LEE'S DIRECTION AND GIVES A LOUD BURP.

    BILLY DEE :
    Pardon me ? I thought I heard you say something juvenile.

    LEE :
    We got to go back. I know where Marcus is

    BILLY DEE
    ( Looking at her in shock ) I don't give a **** if you knew where Purp is, we're not going back !

    CHUNKY BARKS LOUDLY AT BILLY DEE, WHO SURPRISINGLY ISN'T INTIMIDATED BY THE COOKIE.

    BILLY DEE
    ( Looking in chunky's direction ) : The "great one" says... you can kiss his a**, Chunky. I'm not going back ! And there's nothing you can do to make me....

    BILLY DEE GLANCES AT LEE AS SHE SUCKS SLOWLY ON A LOLLIPOP, MAKING EYE CONTACT WITH HIM. SUFFICE TO SAY, BILLY DEE STARTS TO SWEAT...

    BILLY DEE
    ( Jumping to the controls ) : What the hell are we waiting for ?! Lets go save Marcus !

    ***********************

    EXT. ASPIRIN- CLOD CITY - MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN - DUSK

    THE FOUNTAIN MAKES A SHARP 360 DEGREE TURN SCREECHING IN MID-AIR ( IF SUCH A THING WAS POSSIBLE ) THE SHIP FLIES FAST TOWARDS CLOD CITY.

    EXT. ASPIRIN-CLOD CITY - LANDING PLATFORM

    VACUOUS IS IN THE LANDING PLATFORM AS THE DEAD CARCASS OF TROOPER #5 IS SEEN SLUMPED ON THE FLOOR BESIDES HIM. HE TURNS TO LOOK AT THE FOUNTAIN DISAPPEARS INTO THE SKY. HE TURNS TO WALK AS TWO AIDES WALK UP NOT TO FAR NEXT TO HIM.

    VACUOUS :
    Alert my star whacker to prepare for my arrival...Oh and by the way, who did I just kill back there."

    EXT. BOTTOM OF CLOD CITY - WEATHER VANE

    NEARLY UNCONSCIOUS, LUKE...I MEAN, MARCUS HANGS UPSIDE DOWN ON THE WEATHER VANE AS HIS BODY SHIFT TO HOLD HIM TOGETHER.

    EXT. MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN - BOTTOM OF CLOD CITY

    THE FOUNTAIN DIVES TO THE UNDERSIDE OF THE FLOATING CITY. THREE TIE FIGHTERS ARE COMING INTO VIEW.

    INT. MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT

    BILLY DEE
    ( Pointing out the cockpit window ) : Look, someone's up there !

    WHACK !!!

    LEE :
    Idiot ! Its Marcus.. Chunky, slow down. Slow down and we'll get under him. Billy Dee, go make yourself useful beside being a drunken smart a** who thinks he's a ladies man, open the top hatch.

    BILLY DEE GIVES LEE A LONG PISSED OFF LOOK BEFORE HE SLOWLY WALKS OUT THE COCKPIT.

    EXT. BOTTOM OF CLOD CITY - WEATHER VANE

    MARCUS ISNT GOING ANYWHERE FOR A WHILE SO HES JUST STILL HANGING AROUND EATING A SNICKERS BAR. THE FOUNTAIN CLOSES IN ON MARCUS AS THE TIE FIGHTERS INCREASE THEIR SPEED TO WARP FACTOR 2. THE HATCH POPS OPEN WITH A HISS AND BILLY DEE REACHES OUT TO HELP THE ONE HAND, WHINING LITTLE JEDI WHO JUST GOT HIS BU** WHIPPED BY HIS UNCLE.

    INT. MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT

    FLAK BURST ALL AROUND THE SHIP AS THE FOUNTAIN SPEEDS OFF LIKE A BAT OUTTA HELL. LEE AND CHUNKY STRUGGLES AT THE CONTROLS

    LEE
    ( Into the comlink ) : Billy Dee ?

    MR SCOTT
    ( In his usual high pitched whining Scottish voice ) : This is Scott, ma'am. I'm tellin ye, the ship can't take much more of this..I'm givin her all she's got !

    LEE
    ( Clicking on to another channel as her voice raises ) : Billy Dee ?

    FRANKKE RAZOR
    ( Sounding really pissed off ) : Hey there..rubbera****, this is Frank Rizzo. Hey look, this better be important, I'm gettin my little toe nails painted here !

    LEE
    ( Clicking on to another channel as her voice raises ) : Billy Dee ?!

    BILLY DEE
    ( Over the comlink ) : What ?! what do you want now ?!

    LEE :
    Duh, helloooooo ?, whats the situation down there ?!

    BILLY DEE
    ( Over comlink ) : Oh you mean like, is it cool to leave, now ?

    LEE
    ( Sounding really pissed off ) : No ! I mean like, is it cool to take your can of colt 45, turn that sumb**** sideways and stick it straight UP your candya** ! What the hell, Can we leave now ?!

    A LONG PAUSE OF SILENCE

    BILLY DEE ( Over comlink ) : Uhhhhh yeah, Okay, lets go.

    LEE SLAPS THE TOP OF HER HEAD AND SHAKES IT IN OBVIOUS DISGUST


    EXT.-er I mean-

    INT. VACUOUS'S SUPER STAR WHACKER - BRIDGE

    VACUOUS COMES UP TO THE BRIDGE AND LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW AS CHIEF LACKEY NUMERO UNO, ADMIRAL PIETT APPROACHES HIM.

    PIETT
    ( Excited voice ) : They'll be in range of our tractor beam in moments, my Lord. I told you that we would find them, didn't I tell you that I wasn't gonna fail you, sir ?

    VACUOUS :
    Quiet , lackey ! Did your men deactivate the....Uhhh, lightspeed...No. The uhhhhhh warp factor devi...No ! Uhhhh the turbo boosters ? No, thats not it. The uhhhh you know what it is... the super speed device thingie...did they deactivate it ?

    PIETT :
    The hyperdrive, my lord ? Yes they did !

    VACUOUS :
    ( Mumbling under his breath ) smart @ss ! GOOD ! Prepare the welcome wagon and set your star trek phasers on..

    PIETT
    ( Interrupting ) : Kill ?

    VACUOUS :
    No, I said set your phasers on..

    PIETT
    ( Interrupting ) : Kill ?

    VACUOUS :
    NO ! I said.. only set your phasers on...

    PIETT
    ( Interrupting ) : Kill ?

    VACUOUS ( Sighing heavily with his hand on his helmet's nose ) : Yes, Piett.... You may set your phasers on kill.

    PIETT :
    Yippeeeeee !

    THE ADMIRAL RUSHES OFF AS VACUOUS ONLY LOWERS AND SLOWLY SHAKES HIS HEAD.

    PIETT
    ( Voice only ) : Did you guys hear that ?!! Lord Vacuous gave us permission to fry the filthy rebel scum b******* , Yeah, babyyyyyyy !!!!!

    VOICE
    ( Loud in the background ) : It's about G******* time...lets get ?em, men !!!!

    VOICE # 2
    ( Loud in the background) : I got first dibs on strip searching Princess Lee !!


    INT. MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN

    BEEPING WHILE HE WORKS, ARTOO IS BUSY CONNECTING THE WIRES TO STINKY-O, WHO IS BASICALLY ALMOST PUT BACK TOGETHER AGAIN. CHUNKY RUSHES IN THE DOORWAY AND KNOCKS STINKY-O OUT HIS WAY.

    STINKY-O
    ( Highly pissed off ) : Look where you're going next time, you nasty dog kennel escapee ! ( Turning to Artoo ) Noisy simpleminded brute. Why the hell haven't we gone into lightspeed ? You would actually think somebody else, other than myself would know what to do in an emergency situation.

    ARTOO : Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, Toot, Toot, Whistle, Whistle, Beep, Toot !

    STINKY- O :
    Oh, you trying to be funny, Artoo ? How was I supposed know that the hyperdrive system is deactivated...wait a minute ! How you get this information ?

    ARTOO :
    Beep, Toot, Toot, Beep, Beep, whistle, whistle, whistle, toot, beep !

    STINKY-O :
    The city central computer droid told you this on the condition that I would hook up with her intimately ? Artoo ! You know I don't like to hook up with loose droids ! Ouch ! Pay attention to what you're doing ! Is she at least cute and shiny ?

    ARTOO :
    Toot, Toot, Beep, Beep, whistle, whistle, whistle, toot, beep, Beep, Beep, Toot, Toot, Whistle, Beep, Sqaurrrrkk !

    STINKY-O :
    Hmmmmm, well since you put it like that...I guess it wouldn't hurt to give her a shot. Lets go check her out, maybe she can tell us how to correct the problem while we mackin da ho !

    STINKY-O AND ARTOO STARTS TO WALK AWAY AS CHUNKY IS HARD AT WORK INSIDE THE PIT. INSIDE THE COCKPIT, LEE AND BILLY DEE ( HEY ! I DIDN'T REALIZE IT BEFORE..BUT IT RHYMES - SMILE ) ARE MOVING AROUND ADJUSTING THE CONTROLS. THE SHIPS FLIES EVEN CLOSER TO THE SUPER STAR WHACKER !

    INT. VACUOUS' SUPER STAR WHACKER - BRIDGE

    VACUOUS STANDS ON THE BRIDGE, WATCHING AS THE MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN IS CHASED BY THE TIE FIGHTERS

    VACUOUS
    : Marcus

    INT. MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN - SLEEPING QUARTERS

    MARCUS :
    Unc ?

    INT. VACUOUS' SUPER STAR WHACKER - BRIDGE

    VACUOUS :
    Sonny boy...come to your uncle.

    INT. MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN - SLEEPING QUARTERS

    MARCUS
    ( whining and moaning ) : Been, You no good lying scum bag. Why didn't you tell me ?

    INT. VACUOUS' SUPER STAR WHACKER - BRIDGE

    VACUOUS :
    Marcus...it is your destiny...to know exactly " who 's you uncle?" Hahaha

    INT. MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN - SLEEPING QUARTERS

    MARCUS ( still whining ) : Your not Ob-Ewan's blood relation so you can't be my unle. Oh, you are SO dead Vacuous!....... Been...You lied to me, father! Now, I am glad that your a** is dead. I hope you're suffering in the afterlife, you lousy traitor....Now I have no one!

    ARTOO: MOVE OUTTA MY WAY! (TRANSLATION: MOVE OUT OF MY WAY!)

    ARTOO presses a few buttons and, viola! The Ship goes into Hyperspace, and R2 rolls backward into the pit, landing on top of HANDS.

    HANDS: Ow!

    INT. UMPERIAL STAR WHACKER BRIDGE

    Every imperial officer sweats bullets wondering if it will be them who gets killed by the Dark Lord.
    But he just stands there.


    VACUOUS: Admiral Piett.

    ADMIRAL PIETT (nervously): Yes, Lord Vader?

    VACUOUS: Because you have to be in the next movie, I'm going to let you live.

    ADMIRAL PIETT: I am most grateful, my Lord.




    ********************************

    INT. THE BIG AWESOME REBEL SCUM FREIGHTER


    MARCUS is having his robotic hand tested.

    2-1B: Now you might want to practice on a balloon for a while before you shake anyone's hand, or you're libel to crush others hands to fleshy pulp.

    INT. BIG AWSOME REBEL SCUM FREIGHTER-BIG WINDOW

    We see Millenium Fountain taking off.


    INT FOUNTAIN COCKPIT

    Billy Dee Calrissian chugging a Colt 45, and smoking a Cuban cigar, listens to Marcus on the Radio.

    MARCUS: We'll rendezvous at Patootie after I meet Dash Rendarr, go to Coruscant, fight Guri and Outsmart Prince Xixor.

    INT. BIG AWESOME REBEL SCUM FREIGHTER

    As Marcus stands lookingb out at the galaxy or Nebulae before him, Princess Lee, Ahsoka Tano, R2-D2 and Anakin Skywalker come to join him. The music rises to a crescendo.

    NARRATOR: Next time on the Star Wars: Will our heroes be able to rescue Hands off grom the Vile Clutches of Pizza The Hutt? Find out next time on The Star Wars!

    FADE OUT
    END CREDITS


    Written by:

    Purp
    GENERAL RIKKAN
    Darth Vacuous

    Contributed to by:

    Lt.Cmdr.Thrawn
    Gonk

    A little tiny inane blurb in the middle of the lightsabre duel written by:

    study3600


    I met him in a swamp down in Dagoba
    Where it bubbles all the time like a giant carbonated soda
    S-O-D-A, soda

    I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
    I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said "Yoda"
    Y-O-D-A, Yoda
    Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

    Well, I've been around, but I ain't never seen
    A guy who looks like a muppet, but he's wrinkled and green
    Oh, my Yoda
    Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

    Well, I'm not dumb, but I can't understand
    How he can lift me in the air just by raising his hand
    Oh, my Yoda
    Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

    Well, I left home just a week before
    And I've never ever been a Jedi before
    But Obi Wan, he set me straight, of course
    He said, "Go to Yoda and he'll show you the Force"

    Well I'm not the kind that would argue with Ben
    So it looks like I'm gonna start all over again
    With my Yoda
    Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

    Yoda
    Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

    So I used the Force
    I picked up a box
    I lifted some rocks
    While I stood on my head
    Well, I won't forget what Yoda said

    He said, "Luke, stay away from the darker side
    And if you start to go astray, let the Force be your guide"
    Oh, my Yoda
    Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

    "I know Darth Vader's really got you annoyed
    But remember, if you kill him, then you'll be unemployed"
    Oh, my Yoda
    Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

    Well, I heard my friends really got in a mess
    So I'm gonna have to leave Yoda, I guess
    But I know that I'll be coming back some day
    I'll be playing this part 'till I'm old and gray

    The long-term contract that I had to sign
    Says I'll be making these movies till the end of time
    With my Yoda
    Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

    Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
    Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

    Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
    Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

    Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
    Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda



    A SPEAKPURPANDVACPARODY UNLMTD PRODUCTION


    Finis
     
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2021
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