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  1. In Memory of LAJ_FETT: Please share your remembrances and condolences HERE

Beyond - Legends The God of Second Chances (DDC 2015) 12/23/15 (OCs, Solos) Complete (Cover posted 4/24/17)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by divapilot, Jan 3, 2015.

  1. Gemma

    Gemma Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Dec 25, 2013
    From #25 -- I think this is a fact that most in the world never realize until - they are alone again. Love is hard, but it is also a give and take and I believe that both Bree and Blue know that. I adored the comment about the little girls playing with his hair for their entertainment.

    #26 - Wow what an update. This is tough on both of them - because he feels she doesn't understand him --- but for love's sake I think she does. My addiction is food. And I have been battling it all of my life -- I sort of won in 2011 -- but I've gained and lost some back and my docs are all over my case for backsliding. I hate having to watch what I eat.
     
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  2. JadeLotus

    JadeLotus Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Registered:
    Mar 27, 2005
    Poor Bree - of course Blue is a recovering addict and he's going to have his low moments, but that still doesn't make it hurt any less for all she knows he doesn't mean those cutting words.

    Ack, I feel for them both.
     
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  3. WarmNyota_SweetAyesha

    WarmNyota_SweetAyesha Chosen One star 8

    Registered:
    Aug 31, 2004
    Agreed! And those are just the kind of words that will repeat themselves later in their relationship in her mind at any rate whenever they disagree. "He said this" even if/though she may know on some level he doesn't mean them. :( It's hard to "delete" something you've heard or for the other person to quite be able to make up for them. [face_thinking]
     
  4. divapilot

    divapilot Force Ghost star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 30, 2005
    Thanks so much to Nyota’s Heart, Chyntuck, Gemma, and JadeLotus for your thoughtful replies! I really appreciate it.


    Yes, it’s been very hard on her. And it doesn’t seem to be getting any easier. She’s in a sttrange place, she has to be the one to support him, and her own family is light years away. Bree has to tough this one out.


    It’s going to be hard to un-hear those words.:( They’ve cut her to the quick. But part of loving is forgiving, too.



    Blue has hit bottom, and Bree got to witness it. She needs to support him, but it’s taking a terrible strain on her, too. It will be difficult for her to forget the cruel things he said to her.[face_sigh]


    Bree is still quite young, and she is getting a baptism by fire here. Her naïve ideas about romantic love are getting a reality check.[face_hypnotized] Love is something you have to work at, and there will be mistakes and challenges made all the time. She’s recalling one of the events from True Blue that impressed her about his kindness to others.


    I feel for you about the fight with food. It’s hard, and a struggle every day. I hope you hang in there and find great success!:)
    And you are right, he feels she doesn’t understand what he is going through.:( It frustrates them both.


    They are both hurting, Blue more than she realizes. His anger is really not directed at her; she is just in his line of fire.:eek: But that doesn’t make it hurt less.
     
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  5. divapilot

    divapilot Force Ghost star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 30, 2005
    [27]

    Blue spent the rest of that night and most of the next day in the infirmary as the healers worked to stabilize the chemical soup that masqueraded as his bloodstream. Whatever they had been doing with him medically had obviously backfired, and he had quickly slid back into combative withdrawal. He was horrible to them too, and I didn’t need to hear that, so I stayed away. Let the healers deal with his attitude. I wanted no part of it. Instead, I met with a counselor, Claria, who helped me understand this aspect of Blue’s condition.

    Recovery, she said, is often a series of steps forward interspersed with slides backwards. Claria said it was not uncommon for addicts to try to manipulate the people who love them. She told me that it was fortunate (if anything could be called fortunate) that this episode happened here, at the centre, instead of back home, otherwise it could have been much worse. If the possibility actually existed of Blue getting access to alcohol or spice, then he would have bullied, badgered, or pleaded his way into getting it, stealing it if he had to. The chemicals are that strong.

    Claria told me I did the right thing: stay firm and get help. She told me that he would say anything to get the chemicals, and most of the time he doesn’t even know what he is saying or doing. That must be why, whenever something happens that relates to his addiction, Blue is always so apologetic. He hadn’t actually done anything offensive until now, but he was aware that it was a possibility.

    But the thing that, I think, hurt me the most was that Blue lied. He swore – he swore he would never, ever lie to me. He told me once that he had spent too much of his life lying, and he was done with it. So why did he think I would believe him when he said he only wanted one drink? I’m not a fool. Even though Claria explained the situation, it didn’t make me feel less betrayed or hurt. Each cruel word, each brutish action burned through my skin like hot solder.

    It is so unfair. I stayed up half the night, alone in our bed, crying from the hurtful things he said and then furious at the people who did this to us. They took my baby from me. They took my health. They took my Blue’s sanity. They shredded his psyche and left him with a handful of frayed, mottled patches. After all I did to protect Blue, after all my care to keep our relationship secret, it didn’t even matter: my enemies still got to him. They ripped out the best part of me and they did it purely by accident. I’m hurt, I’m frustrated, and I’m angry, and I don’t even know what to think anymore.

    I have our holo on the side of our bed, the one in which Blue and I are sitting together, his arm across my shoulder, and we are sharing some now-forgotten joke. The holo ends with him leaning into kiss me. I couldn’t stop looking at it last night. Where was my gentle Blue? I don’t even know this man who treated me with such loathing. Claria assured me that even though he pierced my heart, my Blue is still in there and that he is struggling to come home to me as much as I’m calling out to him. It’s like I’m leaning over the edge of a dark pool, stretching my hand out further than I think it can reach, and I can see him through the murky depths, struggling and reaching up with everything he has – and we can brush the tips of our fingers but just can’t quite get the grip we need for me to pull him out.

    I ate lunch in the common dining room by myself today, if you can call pushing food around a plate “eating.” It was achingly lonely not having Blue beside me. I was staring at my plate when I heard someone approach. I looked up to see a human man about my brother’s age standing beside my table. “Want some company?” he asked.

    I guess I had “that look” on my face because he put a reassuring hand on my shoulder. “Tea or caf?” he asked, a sympathetic expression on his face. I told him my preference, and a moment later he returned with two cafs and I gestured for him to sit with me.

    He introduced himself as Lark Sonne-Eison, and I immediately recognized the name. “Like the musician, Fillion Sonne-Eison?” I asked. Blue and I had gone to one of his sold-out concerts about two years ago – the tickets were a Fete present from Jaina.

    “Yeah, Fillion is my brother.” He sipped his cup slowly. “He’s here to straighten out. He took a bad turn on tour, and we’re going through rehab again.”

    “I’m sorry to hear that,” I said, extending my hand. “I’m Bree. I’m with my friend, Blue.”

    Lark shook my hand, his grip strong. “Pleased. Hey, not to be nosy, but your friend – did he go retro on you?”

    I tilted my head and frowned, and Lark elaborated. “You know? Slam backwards?”

    I lowered my head and began pushing food around my plate again.

    Lark’s mouth turned up in a smile that was both sad and reassuring. “I know how you feel. Fillion does it at least twice every time he rehabs.”

    “How many times has he been through rehab?” I asked. (It’s funny how easily such personal questions come in a place like this. We are all wounded here, and the wounded have a tendency to show their scars to others who understand.)

    Lark pursed his lips. “This is the third time.” He paused. “In four years.” Lark put the cup down and laughed bitterly. “He’s slowly killing himself, and he is taking everyone with him. We’re hoping this time will work out better. This place is supposed to be one of the best.”

    “Blue was handling it for eight years.” I sighed. “I guess I saw the signs that he was vulnerable, and I didn’t know what to do about them. I got angry with him instead.”

    “Don’t blame yourself, cheeka. You gotta remember, the craving makes them think weird. They don’t recognize what’s right in front of them. They think they got it under control and the more they deny that they’re sliding, the further they slide. If I tried to argue with Fillion and tell him things like he shouldn’t go to those parties or he can’t ‘just watch’ while other people were using, he would argue with me.” Lark shook his head ruefully. “Fillion would tell me that he had to maintain an image as an urban-rise artist and that meant playing the night crawling partier. Who would believe his music if they knew he just went to bed after a concert?”

    “I used to yell at Blue for taking risks,” I admitted. “I thought if I could get him to see what he was doing was dangerous, then he would stop.”

    Lark nodded. “It’s always the same. They slide little by little, then something happens to make them go over the edge. But listen, cheeka – you’re doing the right thing. He may sound like he hates you for it now, but that’s the spice talking nasty, not him. You gotta trust. If he wants recovery bad enough, he’ll make it work. These healers are the best. They’ll help him get back on his feet.”

    I guess Blue’s ability to keep clean for eight years was pretty good. But at this point, all records are wiped away, and regardless of whether you are a famous musician with millions of fans or a medic on a cargo carrier, everyone is equal now at the centre. It doesn’t matter if you were sober for eight years or eight days if you’re here today. We are all starting over.
     
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  6. WarmNyota_SweetAyesha

    WarmNyota_SweetAyesha Chosen One star 8

    Registered:
    Aug 31, 2004
    Let me start with the holo. :_| :_| The imagery at the end where the fingertips touch but do not clasp reminds me of Eurydice, the classic myth and JadeLotus' wonderful fic! Like I was so on the edge reading that thinking: No don't look back! Grab hold! @};-

    Bless Claria's compassionate and professional know-how & Lark's empathy, literally he can say been there-doing it again.
    :( His love for his brother and staunch hope is just what Bree needs to experience and his encouragement!
    Starting from scratch is exactly what they're doing. [face_thinking] And Lark is right about the little slides and tons of denial until the big retro crash. I like that expression. =D=
    Lark is another wonderful and recent example of a new friend being a source of healing and finding one's own footing again. :)

    (I would not complain so would not, if we had 2 updates a week.) LOL [:D] [face_batting]

    <3
     
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  7. divapilot

    divapilot Force Ghost star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 30, 2005
    Thank you! That was not exactly the image I was thinking of but it surely works here. They are struggling to bring each other to safety, and it is taking everything they've got to pull it off.[face_worried]

    Claria has seen this before, so she knows what is really going on here. Bree is too emotional about it to see beyond the hurtful words. Claria's direction and advice is much needed here. And Lark is a friend from an unexpected source. He has also seen this before, but from the side of the patient, not the healer. Between the two of them, Bree gets a clearer picture of where she and Blue stand.[face_thinking]

    [face_laugh] Aw, thanks, but I don't have enough entries to last the year if I did that! As it is, I'm trying to get the whole diary written over summer vacation since I always have to hit the ground running when the school year starts again at the end of August. But I really appreciate your support.[:D] Thank you so much for your thoughtful replies.
     
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  8. divapilot

    divapilot Force Ghost star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 30, 2005
    [28]

    I’m done with feeling sorry for myself and railing about how unfair life has been to me and to Blue. We have been dealt a difficult challenge, and that is the way it is. Now we move on and fix what we can. I am not wasting another precious moment on tears.

    So last evening, I was in our suite, going over some documents, when the door opened. I glanced up to see Blue standing hesitantly in the doorway.

    We looked at each other for a moment, then I got up to go to him. I put my arms around him and he embraced me, stroking my hair as I lay my head on his shoulder. We stood like that for a moment or two, communicating without words. Then he pulled away, and he looked at me as he held my face in his hands. “I’m so sorry, Bree,” he said. “I was horrible to you. You didn’t deserve this.”

    Yes, you were, and no, I didn’t, and the counselor, Claria, told me you would say exactly that. So I replied the way Claria suggested. I had no intention to tell him that it was all right, because it wasn’t.

    “I’m glad you understand that you hurt me, Blue,” I said instead. “Saying you’re sorry is a great start. But what are you going to do next to prevent this in the future?”

    We walked into the suite and the door shut behind us. Blue sat down on the sofa and poured himself a glass of water from the decanter on the table in front of him. I noticed that his hands shook a little, but it was much better than before. “I have a plan,” he said, looking up at me.

    I sat down in the armchair next to him and tucked my legs underneath me. “That’s good,” I answered. “Tell me about it.”

    We spent the next couple of hours going over what Blue had learned in his experiences here at the centre. He told me that he had been talking a lot in his therapy sessions about his feelings of anger and guilt for what happened on the Alisander and how his inability to deal with those feelings set him up for the breakdown he suffered. He talked about how he learned ways that he can deal with the cravings when they hit him hard (other than crawling into a ball, turning out the lights, and locking himself in a room). He explained how he is learning to deal with the early signs of trouble rather than pushing them aside and hoping they will resolve themselves. And most importantly, he told me, was that he realized he loved me more than he loved drugs, and he had chosen to rebuild the relationship with me and not with spice or alcohol. Blue said he understood that he could not have both relationships, and the only one that mattered was the one he had with me.

    There would be no alcohol or drugs again, not even self-administered pharmaceutical ones like the cocktail he made for himself during the crisis on the Alisander. He understood now the terrible danger he put himself in by pretending he could mimic behaviours that his friends who weren’t addicts could do, like the time he was holding a bottle of ale while watching a game with Thom. Blue said he had been arrogant in assuming that because he was a healer by profession that he thought he could control the substances he took. He had just been avoiding the truth about his situation. The substances, sooner or later, always control you.

    I leaned over and put my hand on his arm. “I’m so glad to hear this,” I told him. “I will give you my love and support, Blue, but understand this -- I will not give you the things that make you sick. I won’t help you destroy yourself.”

    He nodded. “I understand. Thank you.”

    That night, I awoke and he wasn’t in bed with me. My heart sank. Not again. But then I got up and went into the living room, and I saw him, standing on the lanai, arms crossed, gazing toward the beach. His cobalt hair gleamed sliver in the moonlight. He looked calm and, well, so handsome. I stood quietly and watched him for a moment before I came over to him and put my hand gently on his shoulder, and he turned to me.

    “Hey, is everything all right?” I asked.

    He nodded. “Yeah. I just couldn’t sleep.” He pulled me closer and wrapped his arms around me.

    I nestled against him. He drew his fingers lightly up and down my back, and it was such a comfort to be in his arms again. I looked up at him, his tired face so beautiful in the silvery-yellow glow. “Come back to bed,” I whispered, taking him by the hand.

    He hesitated. The action reminded me so much of that first time we slept together, years ago. We were so lonely then, two people lost in our own guilt and fear.

    I squeezed his hand. “I love you, Blue. You aren’t alone. Come with me. Don’t isolate yourself from me.”

    He followed me back into our bedroom, and we lay down on the bed together. I kissed him, my desire for him clear, and he began to caress me, then he stopped. “Are you sure you want to do this?” he asked.

    “I’m fine. The doctors said I’m healthy enough to go back to regular routines.”

    He shook his head. “No, I mean are you ready emotionally?”

    I paused. “Are you?”

    He traced little patterns with his fingertips on the skin exposed under my cropped tank top. “I think so,” he said. Then he met my gaze. “I am.”

    “I am too,” I whispered. I pulled him down to me and kissed him again.

    It was more than just physical satisfaction; it was much more than that. I needed him. I needed to know that we were still strong, that we were two people joined as one. That the cables that secured us still held. That despite all the pain that we endured, our love was unbreakable.

    At one point, I looked at him and his deep purple eyes met mine. It was just a moment, just a glance, but in that one glance I felt the connection that bound us together, making us so much stronger than we could ever be apart from each other. I’m sure he felt it too. He gazed at me, his breath trembling, then he shifted position so that he could trace his fingertips over my cheek and lips. Unbidden, the thought slipped through my mind: this is what it is like to be with your soul mate.

    And it was a good thing. It felt just like being home.
     
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  9. WarmNyota_SweetAyesha

    WarmNyota_SweetAyesha Chosen One star 8

    Registered:
    Aug 31, 2004
    SQUGGLES! SQUGGLES! Love the honest talk and Bree said and did just the right things. For him and for herself. :) Oh, the literal and emotional reconnecting. Sweet! I love the process - it's deeper in many ways than the initial discovering of a romantic feeling. [face_thinking]
     
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  10. JadeLotus

    JadeLotus Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Registered:
    Mar 27, 2005
    Hmm, it seems I missed a chapter.

    [27]

    Bree's troubled thoughts are just heartbreaking, but beautifully written. It's nice to see that she'd found a friend, someone who really understands, and Lark gave her good advice. But the last line about them all starting over is very bittersweet - in some ways its good to wipe the slate clean and begin again, but it must feel as if all his good work staying sober has been wasted and they're back at square one.

    [28]

    Their reunion was lovely - empty platitudes are not what Blue needs to hear and him acknowledging he needed to choose between the drugs and Bre is a big step, and a relief!

    At one point, I looked at him and his deep purple eyes met mine. It was just a moment, just a glance, but in that one glance I felt the connection that bound us together, making us so much stronger than we could ever be apart from each other. I’m sure he felt it too. He gazed at me, his breath trembling, then he shifted position so that he could trace his fingertips over my cheek and lips. Unbidden, the thought slipped through my mind: this is what it is like to be with your soul mate.

    [face_love][face_love]
     
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  11. divapilot

    divapilot Force Ghost star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 30, 2005


    Thank you for replying! Yes, Blue has finally got his head on straight, and Bree isn’t going to take any excuses from him.[face_shame_on_you] Blue sees the stakes he’s dealing with, and he can’t bear to lose her. He needs her too much. As for the reconnecting, they needed to test that their emotional connection was still as strong. And it was – in fact, you’re right, it was deeper and stronger because of what they have gone through.[face_love]


    Thank you for your reply. Blue’s meanness and physical aggression have shaken her – she has seen his temper before but never directed at her. (Kind of her Desdemona moment.):eek: It’s rattled her badly. But she isn’t the only one at the center who has experienced this, and she is not alone. And you’re right, all of his work is wiped out and he is starting over. The difference is, this time he has Bree with him to rebuild his life.[face_love]


    Blue was as shaken by his behavior toward Bree as she was. It made him realize how devastated he would be if she left him, and he would do anything to keep her beside him. [:D] That means he gets and stays sober. He loves her desperately (which is a bit unhealthy in itself, but that is a conflict to be resolved another day).

    Thank you for reading and replying!
     
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  12. divapilot

    divapilot Force Ghost star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 30, 2005
    [29]

    Our suite opens out to the ocean, and there is a small private beach attached to the rooms. It really is lovely here, so calm and so peaceful. The three moons give a pretty strong tide, and there are shiny golden minerals in the sand that make it glitter when the light hits it. One evening, after supper, we went for a walk along the shore. Blue held my hand and we were relaxed together for the first time in about a month, since we had arrived at the centre.

    We sat side-by-side on the beach and watched the sun set. I turned to look at him. He had taken his shoes off and dug his feet into the sparkling sand. The warm wind came off the water, lifting his untied hair back, and he closed his eyes and let the breeze glide across his face. I hadn’t seen him this peaceful in a long time.

    The first of Corellia's moons began to crest above the horizon, and it must have reminded him of home. “Back on Baroli,” he told me, “there are five moons. The largest, Prima, is pearly white. The second one is called Mira, and it’s bright red due to the mineral content. There are two smaller twin moons called Alora and Alari; they came from the same original satellite so they both glow with a yellowy look. The last one is Shir. That’s the smallest, and it has a greenish tint to it.”

    He leaned against me, and I put my arms around him. He spoke quietly. “Sometimes I daydream about bringing you to Baroli, after my parole is over and I’ve earned back my name. We could get a little house on the beach. We’d go to the ocean at night, and I would bring you out past the breakers, where the water is calmer, and you would see how beautiful it is when all the different colors of moonlight reflect on the water. I’ve dreamt about that, about kissing you under the moonlight out on the water.”

    I smiled. “Someday.” I hugged him tighter.

    He was quiet for a moment before continuing. “I remember when we were on the Alisander, when we had met on that first run, after you found out the truth about me. I was so scared that I had driven you away. You avoided me for a couple of days. Then I waited for you in the cargo bay until we could talk. Do you remember?”

    “I remember,” I said.

    “I came that night to tell you I was sorry. And now I’m saying I’m sorry again. I’m sorry about what I did on the ship.”

    “For what?” I asked. “You saved my life. You saved everyone on that ship.”

    He shook his head. “No. I didn’t save everyone. Marsh Tor died.”

    “Marsh Tor tried to assassinate me. He intended to die, and he expected that everyone on the ship would die, too. He wanted you dead, too, my Blue.”

    “That doesn’t matter. Everyone deserves a chance to recognize their wrongdoing and atone for it so that they can balance their lives again. Even Marsh Tor.”

    I thought about what he said. “His death was not on your hands. You had no responsibility for the virus. You have nothing to apologize for.”

    Blue stared at the ground for a while, then finally spoke again. “Yes, I do. Our baby died,” he whispered. “I couldn’t save him.”

    “Him?”

    Blue shifted position to look at me, his face etched in sadness. “After you miscarried, I ran the genetic tests anyway. The baby would have been a boy.”

    I caught my breath. Colton. We had decided that if our baby was a boy, we would name him Colton. Blue liked the name, and it followed in my family’s tradition of giving a child the first or second name of a relative. Colton Antilles was my mother’s cousin, lost on Alderaan years ago. Now I had a name to give to my sorrow.

    “You were so weak, so sick,” he continued softly. “I had to choose between saving the baby or saving you. If I tried to save you, I knew the stress on your body would be too much and it would induce a miscarriage. lf I tried to save the pregnancy, you would have died for sure. Oh, I could keep you breathing for a little while, keep your blood pumping, but inevitably your brain function would fail and you would never wake up, all for the thirty percent chance that the baby might live long enough to survive a birth. I just couldn’t do that to you, to turn you into an artificially maintained corpse. I wanted you both to live so badly, but it came down to one or the other. If I chose the baby, you would die. If I chose you, the baby would die. I couldn’t have both. I had to make a decision, and I chose you. I couldn’t save him too.”

    We sat quietly for a moment as I absorbed this information. Then, I tentatively reached out my hand and put it on Blue’s shoulder. I could see the shimmer of tears on his cheek.

    He hung his head. “I’m sorry, Bree. I’m so sorry. To save you, I had to let our baby die.”

    Slowly, I raised my hand from where it rested on his shoulder and gently wiped his tears. Blue was crying openly now. “I thought I lost you both,” he said. “You were slipping so fast that I thought that even after I had chosen you and given up on the baby, I had lost you anyway. It was more than I could bear. How would I go on without you?”

    He turned to look at me, and I pulled him close. It finally occurred to me that he was grieving too, only I couldn’t see it through his relapse. I had had my family to talk to about the miscarriage, my parents to sit with me and take comfort in, while Blue buried his sadness as he fought the relapse, and when Blue lashed out, I had stayed away from him. It was grief that had fueled his rage, a frustrated fury that I had felt myself. And he had had to face his grief without me because I didn’t take the time to hear him.

    I was so ashamed of myself. All I had thought about was how this affected me. I had failed to understand that Blue had lost his child, too. How horrible it must have been for him to watch it happen, knowing this was the Sith’s bargain he had to make to keep me alive.

    I forgave him for making the impossible choice, and I tried to convince him to forgive himself, and I asked him to forgive me for not being there when he needed a compassionate friend. We held each other as the sun faded and the moons illuminated the sands and waves with a silver shimmer. We talked deep into the night about the ordeal we had survived. And we both wept for the promise broken, the son who appeared in our hearts only to be taken away like the waves that sweep up and just as quickly draw back into the darkness.
     
  13. WarmNyota_SweetAyesha

    WarmNyota_SweetAyesha Chosen One star 8

    Registered:
    Aug 31, 2004
    Exquisite setting! Luke would do the same thing with the beach sand: kick off shoes and wriggle the toes. [face_love] Beautifully cathartic and candid talk! =D= =D= This is the best thing for each of them. Yes, Blue lost his child too, which compounded exponentially the :eek: ness of his relapse. [face_thinking]

    Reminds me of Thrawn/Ayesha as everything does [face_laugh] ^:)^ The parallel of thinking "I'm the only one" who's lost a child is damaging instead of reaching out to the other, eventually, as Bree and Blue have been able to do.

    (Baroli sounds absolutely stunning with the five moons.) :cool:
     
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  14. JadeLotus

    JadeLotus Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Registered:
    Mar 27, 2005
    I loved hearing more about Baroli, and I also hope that Blue can take her there one day. And the discussion about losing their baby...just heartbreaking but so cathartic and beautifully written, especially the last line [face_love]
     
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  15. divapilot

    divapilot Force Ghost star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 30, 2005

    Yes, this center is in a beautiful location. I often see the advertisements on television for places that seem as much resort as rehab center. I’m thinking this is the place that Han and Leia would want Bree’s boyfriend to go to – the best place they could send him And Blue’s heart is by the ocean, so this is making him a little homesick here.:(


    I know what you mean, what a great story Chyntuck has created! The difference is that Breha is nowhere near as historically damaged as Ayesha, and she has not lost her baby in the horrific way that Ayesha did.:eek: Subsequently Bree has no anger directed at Blue for what happened. He, however, feels tremendous guilt for not being able to perform a miracle for her. The other difference between the couples is, of course, the issue of Blue’s relapse. Blue had to fight his battle to get well again
    There is actually very little information on Baroli, The only thing the Wook mentions is that it is famed for its five beautiful moons. Almost everything I’ve created here is an extrapolation from Ghent. But Blue misses home, so he is going to speak fondly of it. [:D]
    Thank you so much for your reply!



    Blue intends to go home again as soon as he can, and he wants her with him when he gets there. And the discussion is part of Blue’s attempt to “come clean” and apologize to the people in his life who he feels he has wronged. He blames himself for the miscarriage, as he was unable to stop it. Making him choose between saving his lover or saving his baby really did a number on him emotionally and he fell apart when he began to realize it might have all been for nothing. Understandably, he was very emotional here: their future hinged on this conversation. If she didn’t forgive him here, they would never be able to trust each other again,=((
    Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate it!



     
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  16. divapilot

    divapilot Force Ghost star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 30, 2005
    [30]

    We’re leaving the centre today, after about five weeks of hard work for us both. Blue has a new set of medications, a schedule for post-care follow-ups, and a datapad full of advice. Blue is exhausted but he’s in such a better state of mind. I can’t express how wonderful it is to see the blessed lucidity in his eyes again.

    My family has arranged for us to take a private transport, a beautiful cruiser with a very comfortable cabin. The trip will take quite some time but because it’s a private transport at least we won’t have to deal with connections and wait times. The plan is to meet back on Ossus with my parents, then decide where we would go from there.

    That is our next big decision – where do we go now? Blue had told me that as much as he appreciated his time on the Alisander, he wanted to leave the constant movement of the shipping business and settle down somewhere with me. Besides, he yearned to complete the education that he had abandoned years before. I agreed; Tanis seemed like a remote memory to me now and I couldn’t see myself living there anymore either. It’s time to find a new home. We’ve come through so much together that neither of us can bear to be apart from each other now.

    This morning, the day of our departure, I had finished our final packing and went out to the living room, but Blue wasn’t there. At first I was concerned, then I saw the flimsiplast message on the table in the little kitchen. He had gone to the beach one last time.

    Through the fog that crept in along the shore I saw him kneeling in the sand, his hands palms-up at his side and his eyes closed. His lips moved in a silent incantation. I stood back and gave him his privacy; I had never seen him actually pray before and I did not want to intrude. I know he believes in powers greater than our own. I suppose it isn’t much different from my believing that there is a Force that guides us and determines our destinies.

    He bowed his head and put his hands on his knees. He sat for a few moments in stillness, then he raised his hand to touch his heart, his lip, and his forehead, where he placed his fingertips on the tattoos for a moment before offering his open palm skyward. Eventually he got up and brushed the sand off his clothing. The fog was lifting at this point, and the sun broke through. Blue stood silently, arms crossed, looking out at the water, then turned back toward our suite. He saw me standing there waiting for him and he smiled, a small upward turning of his mouth.

    “Everything all right, Blue?” I asked.

    He nodded. “I just wanted to send some thanks.” He trudged through the sand up to where I was standing.

    “We have a lot to be thankful for,” I said.

    “Yes, we do. Ianos has given us another second chance,” he said. “You’re alive, and I’m feeling better.” He sighed despite his positive words, and I squeezed his arm. I knew what he meant. The god of second chances granted our petition, but Ianos is, after all, a trickster god and there is always a dear sacrifice to be paid.

    I raised my eyes to his. His mention of Ianos struck me, and I thought about what he had told me in the past about his faith. This was something that meant a lot to Blue, and I wanted to understand why. “Would you show me?” I asked.

    “Show you what?”

    I mimicked his movements, touching my hand to my forehead and then raising my hand to the sky.

    His expression softened. “Really? You want me to show you how to pray?”

    “Is that all right?”

    “Does it go against your belief in the Force?” he asked. “I would never want to seem disrespectful to your family.”

    I considered his question. “No, not really. The Jedi way is more of a philosophy. I know of Jedi who have their own various religions, too.” I drew my hand up his arm gently. “I know that your religion means a lot to you. I want to understand it. I want to share in it with you.”

    He smiled, then he hugged me and kissed my forehead. “I will be honored to show you,” he said. “You’d have to learn some of the rules and customs, and of course the prayers themselves are in the Ancient Tongue so you’d have to pick up the basics of that.” Then he tilted his head in the direction of the speeder. “We have a transport to catch first. If you want me to, though, we can talk about this on the way.”

    I smiled at him. “I’d really like that.”

    “And no,” he said, as if reading my mind, “you don’t have to get tattooed if you don’t want to.”

    “That’s comforting.” He had told me once about how badly the original set of facial tattoos he had gotten at fourteen had hurt; I really didn’t want to find out for myself.

    We walked together up the pathway to the street where a speeder was waiting to take us to the city where we would reach the spacedocks. As the driver put our things into the storage compartment, Blue turned and took another long look at the beach, as if memorizing it. “You know, wherever we go, I hope there’s water nearby,” he said softly.

    “So noted. Let me cancel our deposit on that homestead on Tatooine.” I held out my hand to him. “Let’s go, beach boy.”

    He laughed and took my hand in his. “I’m coming, city girl.”

    We weren’t sure where we would wind up, but we were together and we were going home.

    </supplemental/>

    The trip to the city has been uneventful, and the ride’s even smooth enough for me to take out my datapad and add a few thoughts. Blue’s got his own datapad out and he’s reading again. I keep thinking about something he said to me the other day that has stuck with me: he said that there will be days when he’ll actually miss the drugs, the high that they give him, and that he’ll always crave them, but he knows that no matter what, he will always crave me more. He is determined to make this work, for me. He told me that his connection to me, his love for me, was the reason he was able to get clean again.

    It’s so strange. I’ve been so afraid that something would happen, and now that it did, it makes me rethink everything. All this time I’ve been worried about whether or not I would be strong enough to protect him. And yet he was the one who saved me, with his intelligence and stubborn persistence. In the process, though, he sacrificed his sobriety because he needed to stay awake to save me. He knew the cost: he knew what agony lay ahead for him, how hard it was going to be to start all over again, he knew the risk that he might not be successful and he could spiral down into addiction for good. To compound it, if Captain Sia had chosen to press charges against him for misusing the pharmaceutical supplies, he would have been guilty of breaking parole and he would be on his way back to prison.

    All that time that I had spent worrying about how I would protect him, and it was Blue who threw himself down to protect me.

    I feel like, now, more than ever, I know this man who sits next to me. I know him. Not just the geography of his body -- the scars from the long-ago crash that remind me that he downplays how badly injured he actually was, that one crooked tooth he never bothered to get fixed, the gentle roughness of his stubble when he kisses me in the morning. Not just his behaviours – the sound he makes when he’s irritated, the way he breathes when he’s fast asleep. It’s like I know his soul. Like I’ve been inside his heart. And he knows me the same way.

    I know that when I switch this off, I’ll lean into him, and he will turn off his own datapad. He’ll raise his arm up so that I can slip under it and rest my head on his shoulder, then he’ll put his arm around me. We’ll just sit like this, quietly, united in a gesture so full of love and support and security that it makes me feel like right now, today, if something were to happen and for some reason this was our last day, our lives would be fulfilled. Sitting beside him, wrapped in his arms, is such a little thing, but it is enough for us both.

    Life and love are so strangely intertwined. It’s love that makes life worth anything. I’ve been so focused on avoiding attack, on missing my brother, on being hyper-vigilant about our safety – so focused on avoiding death that I think I began to lose focus on living. Having Blue still by my side after all we have gone through reminds me what the point of my life actually is: to love one another.
     
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  17. WarmNyota_SweetAyesha

    WarmNyota_SweetAyesha Chosen One star 8

    Registered:
    Aug 31, 2004
    What a beautifully meaningful request Bree made in the entry! And I love the light teasing at the end there. But the supplemental part, oh, I could quote the entire lovely thing!!!!!! Bree has really had her own kind of epiphany. :) :) Her sense of full-living and intense gratefulness are sweet and good consequences of their recent ordeal. [face_love]
     
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  18. JadeLotus

    JadeLotus Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Registered:
    Mar 27, 2005
    Oh, this is so beautiful! [face_love][face_love] Bree has made a real breakthrough, and hopefully this eases her fears and worries somewhat - all of this entry was so wonderfully evocative, I can picture Blue there on the beach in prayer. I'm so intrigued by his religion - I'm really drawn to the idea that there must be balance with the ideas of "magic comes at a price" or "to save a life a life must be taken" - and it seems that Ianos does not give out second chances freely. I'm so interested to learn more about the religion with Bree.
     
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  19. Chyntuck

    Chyntuck Force Ghost star 5

    Registered:
    Jul 11, 2014
    Awwww. It seems I got back to this story at the right time, to catch the end of a very difficult period for Bree and Blue and to see the beginning of the second chance [face_love]

    A few things I particularly liked:
    - Bree's spontaneous conversation about very private things with a perfect stranger,
    - The description of the moons of Baroli,
    - The image of Blue praying on the beach,
    - "I'll cancel our deposit on that homestead on Tatooine" [face_laugh] (I just love it when Bree channels dad).

    In a totally different category, I also thought that the way you highlighted the differences between Bree and Blue at all levels when he was having his "crisis" was spot-on -- the way he calls her a "spoiled schutta" comes to mind. In difficult moments people tend to see what keeps them apart rather than what unites them.

    I'm curious to see where they'll end up now (although I do have an idea ;))
     
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  20. divapilot

    divapilot Force Ghost star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 30, 2005
    Thank you so much for your replies, Nyota’s Heart, Jade_Lotus, and Chyntuck!



    Thank you! Bree wants to understand Blue better, and she knows that his religion matters to him, so she wants to learn more. From what I know about the GFFA, there are many different religions but the idea of the Force seems to be something that complements those faiths. I can see her being able to balance the two.
    Bree is really starting to realize that she is not single-handedly responsible for protecting everyone. She can take a breather and let someone else run the show once in a while. Life is to be celebrated, not spent in fear.[:D]



    Thanks! Bree is finally starting to let go of her control issues. She has realized that she isn’t the only one with skills and talents here.
    Blue’s religion is one of equity, which means like you said, there is a price to pay if you ask for a favor. Blue accepts the miscarriage and loss of his baby as the price he paid for Breha’s health and his recovery from his relapse.:(


    So glad to have you back! (I’m looking forward to picking up with Ayesha soon, too!) ;)
    Bree has a knack for making people comfortable around her, kind of like her mother’s political savvy. She finds that she has a quality that attracts people to her side. The moons of Baroli, according to the Wook, are quite lovely. Of course, that is about all the Wook has to say about the planet. It’s up to us fanficcers to make up the rest! As for Blue praying on the beach, he misses his home deeply but won’t admit it. Being by the ocean again makes him very homesick. And yes, sometimes Han comes through with her snark and her knack of rushing in without really thinking this through.:rolleyes:


    There are still some things unsaid between them; they haven’t really found their true equity in the relationship yet. She still has a feeling that she needs to protect him (which implies that she knows better than he does), and he hasn’t opened up all his history to her yet (which implies that he still fears she will reject him). Once they can be truly honest with each other, then they will realize the things that keep them apart aren’t as powerful as the things that unite them.[face_love]


     
  21. divapilot

    divapilot Force Ghost star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 30, 2005
    [31]

    As it turned out, we got an unexpected visitor. When we got to the space port, my hold-parents, Lando and Tendra Calrissian, came to pick us up instead of the hired transport we expected. I was so surprised and happy to see Uncle Lando standing there, his red and gold cape fluttering in the breeze. He held out his arms and I ran over to him and gave him a big hug.

    “How is my little Breha bird?” he asked me. “And who is this handsome man who thinks he can take my Breha bird away from her hold-father?”

    I laughed and introduced him to Blue, who I think was a little overwhelmed by him. (Lando can be overwhelming sometimes.) Luckily, Tendra appeared just then, and she wound Lando down a notch. Tendra introduced herself to Blue and, linking her arm through his, welcomed him onto the ship. A service droid gathered our three pieces of luggage and hovered behind us.

    Lando and I walked together into the Lady Luck. Very discretely, while Tendra chatted with Blue, I confirmed with him that he and Tendra had removed any alcohol or other substances from the ship, including any in storage or in their private cabins, before arriving. I smiled at Lando as we walked into the ship’s living area. “What made you decide to come get us?” I asked.

    “I can’t come by and see you without you questioning it?” he asked, smiling charmingly the whole time.

    I folded my arms as I followed him onto the bridge. “Now I know something is up.”

    He sat in the pilot’s seat and began pre-flight. “You are your mother’s daughter, my dear.” He plotted the course and then turned back to me. “Your parents asked us to come get you two. There are some political problems that have come up with Corellia. Your parents didn’t think it would be safe for you and Blue to risk a hired transport.”

    Apparently they didn’t think it was safe for them to come personally, either. “Is Ossus still secure?” I asked.

    He nodded. “We are going to rendezvous with your dad there. Your mother is already on her way to the Imperial Remnant for your sister’s engagement ceremony.” He gestured toward the main room. “Get set. We’re taking off sooner rather than later.”

    I raised an eyebrow. “So the Lady Luck is flying under one of her many aliases?”

    Lando looked at me, flashing his trademark smile. “Let’s just say she is a Lady of many different names.”

    I hugged him again and thanked him for coming to get us. Then I went back to the main living area, where Blue and Tendra were already settled in their seats for take-off. Minutes later we were in free space.

    Tendra showed us our cabin as the droid placed our bags on the floor, then she gave me a hug. “We’re glad you and Blue are safe, Breha,” she said, holding my hands. “Get settled in and take a break. Dinner is in three hours. We’ll catch up then.” She hugged me again and gave Blue a kiss on the cheek, then said goodbye.

    The cabin was, of course, luxurious. I kicked off my shoes and dug my toes into the soft, heated carpet. Shimmersilk sheets adorned the bed, and the furnishings were a deep, glossy lacquer. Blue was mesmerized by a beautiful painting made with natural materials, sand or maybe some kind of clay, that hung on the wall. Snow crystals and tiny iridescent lights glimmered in the design. Blue turned to me, his fingertips on the frame of the painting. “Bree, this is an original,” he remarked in disbelief, reading the small plaque on the wall beside the artwork. “This says that Lando got it at a private auction about five years ago. It’s an Eskari, part of a larger installation that was once on display at the Imperial Palace of Coruscant.” He stood back and admired it before turning to investigate the rest of the cabin.

    While Blue examined the opulent fixtures, his eyes wide at the expensive décor, I busied myself with catching up with the latest news. It wasn’t good. It seemed that there had been a major political discord between the Corellian government and the Galactic Alliance a few days after we had entered the rehabilitation centre. Our assumed names, which had protected our privacy at the centre, had unintentionally kept us safe. Once again, it was a liability to be a Solo. Shaking my head, I switched off the device and glanced over to where Blue was running his fingers over the gold-trimmed mirror in the ‘fresher. “Uncle Lando likes to ride in style,” I said dryly. “And this is the guest cabin.”

    Blue scoffed as he returned to the main part of the stateroom. “That’s an understatement. I’ll bet he spent more money on that painting alone than I made in the last three years. Is the rest of the ship so extravagant?”

    I snorted. “Wait ‘till you see the pool.”

    He flopped down on the bed and ran his hand along the soft fabric. “Maybe we could just live here,” he muttered.

    I tapped my chin as if considering the possibility. “You know, the Lady Luck is so big he probably wouldn’t realize it if we never got off the ship.”

    Blue laughed and patted the empty half of the bed beside him. “We have three hours before dinner. Get over here, beautiful woman,” he said, smirking.

    I feigned confusion, looking around and pointing to myself. “Who, me?”

    “No, the droid that brought our bags.”

    “I thought you might mean Tendra.”

    Blue laughed. “Number one, Tendra is Lando’s wife. Number two, I have a thing for brunettes, not blondes. Third, Tendra is too old for me. Fourth, you are my Breha Amidala.”

    I sauntered over to the bed and lay down on my stomach beside him. “Oh, I’m yours, you said?” as I walked my fingers across his shirt. “And you think you can take possession of what is yours?”

    He rolled over, turning me onto my back in the process, and put his weight on me, pressing me onto the bed. “Only if you let me. I know you can beat me up if you wanted to.”

    I laughed. “It’s not my fault you don’t take your defense training seriously.” I ran my hands up his muscular arms. There was strength there; he just chose not to use it in that way.

    Blue pushed the hair off my forehead and ran his fingers through the wavy strands. Then he kissed me gently before looking me in the eyes again. “I love you, Bree. But that word isn’t enough. It’s too vague.”

    “What word would you use instead?”

    He frowned and I felt the warmth of his exhalation on my face. Then, after a pause, he said, “I appreciate you.”

    I laughed again. “’Appreciate?’ That sounds like a thank you note. ‘Dear Bree, thank you for devoting the last three years of your life to me. I sure do appreciate it!’”

    “I don’t have the gift of words that you have.” Blue shifted position to lie next to me, leaning on his elbow and propping his head up on his hand. Okay, I thought, amused. So we are talking now and not…something else. “I’m trying to say that you don’t have to give me anything but you do. I’m difficult and a lot of work, and I know you can walk away at any time, but you stay anyway. If it wasn’t for you, then I wouldn’t have gone to rehab at all, never mind at one of the finest facilities in the galaxy.” He looked at me, a small smile softening his features. “You even give me your family. Your brother and sister always treat me like I belong, like I’m their brother, too. Your dad calls me ‘son.’ Do you know what that means to me, to be someone’s son again?” He paused. “By the way, how long will he be referring to me as ‘the kid’?”

    I mirrored his position, lying on my side facing him, and put my hand on his chest. “He still calls Uncle Luke ‘the kid.’ Take it as a compliment.”

    “And your mother – I know that she always welcomes me into your home when I visit, but I also know she checks up on me. Not in a threatening way, but she’s just checking to see that I’m safe. That means a lot. She cares – it matters to her that I’m okay.” With his free hand, he reached over and traced his fingers along my neck and shoulder. “That must be where you get that protective streak.”

    “I’ll never let anyone hurt you, Blue. You’re my everything. I … cherish you.” I smiled at him. “You know when I’m hurting or sad or upset, and you always do just the right thing to make things better.”

    He looked aside for a moment, his expression somber. “I used to nag you all the time to marry me. Now I can see that you were right. I really wasn’t ready. I thought I had everything under control, and look how far from the truth that was. I was just getting by with my addictions. I couldn’t be the husband I need to be for you, to care for you the way I should.” He sighed. “I’m sorry. I won’t ask you to marry me again. I understand now – just knowing you’re here to support me is blessing enough. I’m grateful.”

    I stared at him, my eyes moistening. He had grown so much, endured so much pain and come through it stronger than ever, and through all of it he never stopped loving me. I swallowed hard and caressed his face as he closed his eyes. Then he leaned in and kissed me again, his right arm slipping around me as I lay against the soft pillows. “I appreciate you very much, Bree,” he said.

    “And I cherish you very much, Blue.”

    He kissed me more deeply, the love and passion evident in his touch. I caught my breath. “So you admit it. You have a thing for brunettes,” I whispered.

    “Mm hmm.” With his free left hand he untied the fastener at the top of my dress and I shivered as he gently pushed the fabric aside to trail kisses down my neck and onto my collarbone.

    “Hey,” I said, a little breathless. “Did I ever tell you about my thing for azulines?”

    He stopped his caresses, looked at me, and laughed. “No kidding.”


    And then he kissed me again, and there was no more need for words.
     
  22. WarmNyota_SweetAyesha

    WarmNyota_SweetAyesha Chosen One star 8

    Registered:
    Aug 31, 2004
    Lando/Tendra! How wonderful and welcoming they are to Blue and what a sweet surprise for Bree. What a delicious conversation, full of warmth and tenderness and Blue's admission that he wasn't ready for marriage - a big step that. And as he admits that, Bree is less pressured so she can eventually get used to the idea of formalizing their relationship. :D Love that her entire family has enfolded Blue. I know that is 100% more meaningful than it would be otherwise, considering he feels he has lost his family, temporarily, or permanently, - since they're incommunicado of necessity.

    *Incoherent screech* An Eskari original! :* :* [face_dancing] [face_dancing] Yesness [face_laugh] It was all I could do to concentrate on the rest of it after reading that! [face_love]
     
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  23. JadeLotus

    JadeLotus Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Registered:
    Mar 27, 2005
    Seconding the love for Lando and Tendra! [face_dancing] One of my favourite couples who don't show up enough in fic, and that they are Bree's holdparents - perfect. Lando in his red and gold cape, calling her "my Breha-bird" [face_love][face_love][face_love]

    And wonderful scene with her and Blue - I love that they can have these honest conversations which demonstrates their relationship deepening and maturing, without losing their passion for each other of course!
     
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  24. Kahara

    Kahara FFoF Hostess Extraordinaire star 4 VIP - Game Host

    Registered:
    Mar 3, 2001
    As painful as it is to read, I appreciate how careful of a job you've done with portraying Blue and Bree's struggles in the last few chapters. Blue's relapse is the last thing Bree needs at the moment, but then life doesn't wait until you're ready to throw another curve ball. And it's very difficult to see Blue get so vicious in the low moments here, but at the same time it's exactly this kind of thing that gives the whole addiction aspect of his character credibility. And Bree's simultaneous battle with grief over her child is heartbreaking. The chapter where it causes her to reflect on Anakin's memorial especially affected me. :( And it seems like a really likely thing, new grief bringing up all the old.

    It's good to see that they're progressing enough to talk to each other seriously now. Something that neither of them was ready for earlier. Blue's revelation of how he feels responsible (when really he was faced with an impossible choice -- either way would leave anyone feeling guilty) was a surprise, but made so much sense of his recent behavior; it's not just the resurgence of addiction but his own feelings feeding into it. And Bree had no way of knowing. Poor both of them. It's lovely to see them offering both honesty and comfort to each other in recent chapters.

    Side note: the description of Baroli's moons is really cool! :)

    The recent discussion of the Jedi and Blue's religion is very intriguing too. I really like to see the GFFA as having a wide variety of traditions rather the Force-sensitives being the only ones to believe in anything beyond the physical.

    Just a beautiful passage here! [face_love] I love how it shows how far Bree has come during this story and how the relationship between her and Blue is maturing through everything. [:D]

    It's also great to see Lando and Tendra -- especially fun with Bree's perspective on them as holdparents. (And the discussion on Blue's going to be known as "kid" in this family forever! [face_laugh]
    [​IMG]
     
  25. Chyntuck

    Chyntuck Force Ghost star 5

    Registered:
    Jul 11, 2014
    :eek: :eek: :eek: An Eskari original? [face_laugh]

    Lovely update! I'm going to be repeating what everyone said but I also liked Lando's red and gold cape, the wonderful relationship between Bree and her hold-parents, how Blue is being integrated in the family and the honest-mushy-gooey conversation. It was all adorable [face_love]

    And now the question: what happened on Corellia? And what implications will it have? My guess is that Bree and Blue aren't out of the woods yet and Jaina's wedding is turning out to be much more complicated than weddings should ever be.