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Saga The Handsome Jedi and the Evil ‘Mastermind’ [Humor - Anakin, Obi-Wan]

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by serendipityaey, Aug 13, 2013.

  1. serendipityaey

    serendipityaey Jedi Master star 4

    Jan 24, 2004
    Author: Ashley
    Characters: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Anakin Skywalker
    Genre: Humor
    Era: Clone Wars
    Summary: Anakin and Obi-Wan head out on a wild bantha chase, tracking down evil and determined to triumph over it, but the Evil Mastermind they encounter along the way is not what they expected. Oneshot, Humor


    This challenge-inspired oneshot turned out quite silly, but it was fun to write, and I tried to make it fun to read. This is the first thing I wrote after quite a depressing slump, so I was happy to just be producing something. Just for fun, pure silly humor. I hope it’s fun to read. Let me know :)


    The cavern was dark, and dank and seemed to stretch for miles into the craggy mountainside. With each cautious step, Obi-Wan and Anakin were drawn further towards evilness they could only guess at as they followed the dirty path, Artoo wheeling along right behind them.

    Anakin brushed at his face as he passed through sticky-soft strands of what he could only assume was a giant spiderweb, and he swept his gloved hand over his hair before he could stop himself, just in case. Giant spiderwebs, usually meant giant...

    "Problem, Anakin?" Obi-Wan's voice sounded from the left of him, and a pace or two back.

    "I don't see why I can't use my lightsaber, I can't see a kriffing thing in here."

    "I think it wise not to draw any unwanted attention," Obi-Wan answered, his voice dry. "Especially since we don't know exactly what or who we're headed for."

    "Easy for you to say, I'm the one leading."

    "At your own insistence, if you'll recall."

    "Yeah, well... It's dark."

    "Do you have the Force or don't you?" Obi-Wan asked wryly.

    Anakin rolled his eyes. And then lamented the fact that Obi-Wan would not be able to see the gesture.

    A wild bantha chase - that's what this was turning out to be. Crucial intelligence leads had led them to this odd, slightly creepy planet in search of a massive bio-weapon that was reportedly capable of taking out hundreds of clone troopers at a time. After scouring the main city and half the planet, they'd finally found evidence of suspicious activity here, high in the mountains and they'd had to trudge through swampy, mucky forests and dangerous, rocky mountainsides just to get here.

    It was actually called Mount Doom.

    A mountain of doom. Just great. And here they were traversing deep into the mountain and heading for Force knows what in complete darkness. Anakin had a bad feeling about this but the threats of this weapon were real enough. At least the Council had not sent Obi-Wan alone.

    In the next minute, Anakin finally began to see a pinprick of light ahead of them - a sliver of luminescence in the dark and Artoo gave a whistle of recognition from behind him.

    "I see, Artoo. I think we've finally found something."

    Together, the three of them continued toward the light, growing as they drew nearer. Anakin touched his lightsaber where it remained clipped to his belt in reassurance.

    The light, yellow-white and spilling from a crevice in the rocky wall, stretched from the ground to far above their heads. It was narrow, but they found it was formed by overlapping sections of rock that they could easily slip between and as soon as they made their way through the makeshift entry way, they found themselves in a huge cavern.

    The walls and ceiling were all rock, but carved in such a way that suggested a certain level of skill and artistry. There were different machines and computers, terminals and devices set up around the huge space, with blinking lights and whirring motors all going. Ahead of them there was a marble floor set into the ground that led to a large dais and off to the side were a massive set of durasteel doors.

    Anakin had no idea what to make of this, but that bad feeling still niggled in the back if his mind. Turning his head, he glanced to Artoo out of the corner of his eye. "See if you can find anything..."

    Artoo chirped and quietly headed for the nearest terminal to investigate as only he could.

    Together Obi-Wan and Anakin stepped forward, both reaching out through the Force to try and get a feel for the place and what they might be about to face... Anakin could sense a presence somewhere nearby but there was still no sign of anyone in the darkened chamber.

    As they came to a halt before the raised dais, Anakin turned toward Obi-Wan immediately noting the glint in his eyes, and the smirk in his expression that clearly said 'Spring the trap.'

    Anakin shrugged and drew his saber from his belt as Obi-Wan did the same, the two blades of blue ignited as one, casting a dim azure glow to cut through the shadows.

    "We are Jedi Knights," Anakin said, his voice firm and authoritative. "And we are here to demand your surrender. Show yourself now."

    They waited.


    They waited some more.

    Anakin reached further into the was dark here, dim and muted, a swirl of black and dark purple, cloudy like a rising storm, but he knew they were not alone and he felt the first stirrings of anger and frustration welling up with this gratuitous waste of time - he swung his lightsaber in a wide, agitated arc at his side and spoke again, his voice deeper, louder.

    "I said show yourself!" he growled.

    At that moment a loud clunk resounded through the open space, echoing off the cavernous walls and a panel slid away in the platform to allow a massive throne to rise up from below.

    A shrill female voice cut through the atmosphere, cackling and snarky. "I heard what you said, boy."

    In the throne sat a woman, frizzy brown hair sticking up in all directions like a crown of spikes.
    She wore a heavy looking white gown and her skin was pale, almost translucent...

    The expression on her face was a twisted one of scorn, and pride in her own evilness, Anakin presumed.

    "Surrender now," Anakin threatened, his voice low and demanding. "We know what you're planning and we will stop you."

    She cackled again, tossing her head back as she did as if she'd never heard something so amusing. In one hand she held a long silver staff, likely with some nefarious purpose Anakin could only guess at and her other hand clutched the side of her throne, long black fingernails at the end of spindly wrinkled fingers curling over the ornate arm rest.

    When she lowered her head again, she leveled an evil stare upon them, her eyes full of fire. "You will surrender to me."

    Anakin raised his saber at her threat and sensed, as well as saw out of the corner of his eye, Obi-Wan tense as he did the same.

    "Whatever would compel you to make such a bold statement?" Obi-Wan drawled, his eyes glinting with equal determination. "I fear you underestimate our skill and persistence, my dear."

    She seemed unaffected by Obi-Wan's counter, however, and her evil smirk only grew. "Because if you don't... She will die."

    Icy cold fear trickled down Anakin's spine and he felt every muscle in his well toned body coil with tension as his grip on the hilt of his lightsaber tightened. "Who?" he snapped.

    She cackled again and fear came to life inside of him, catching fire and burning into a hot, powerful anger.

    "Her," the evil woman said and she tapped her staff on the ground once, activating some unseen switch.

    The massive steel doors to the side that Anakin had noticed early made a thunderous clanging sound and began, very slowly, to slide open. As they did, a big round vat was revealed with some thick, viscous red fluid bubbling within, and above the boiling, deadly looking fluid a woman was tied up and perched on a small platform that was suspended from the ceiling and clearly set to collapse with another tap of her evil staff.

    Anakin could not help flare of relief within his heart at the sight of the unrecognizable fair-haired woman that was held captive. If it had been...

    "Obi!" The woman called out, her voice trembling, blue eyes wide as she spotted them from her precarious perch.

    Not another one...

    Anakin turned to his former Master, eyebrow cocked but was met with an expression of only confusion.

    "I don't know her," Obi-Wan said.

    Anakin turned back to the captive - her arms were tied behind her back, rope coiled around her ankles and she was trying to stay as still as possible so as to not lose her balance, though he could see she was trembling.

    "Obi please!"


    "Well, she certainly seems to know you."

    "Obi," she called out again, desperately now. "All that time..."

    "I don't remember her," the bearded Jedi said to Anakin, his voice quiet as he shrugged.

    "She's blonde," Anakin pointed out. She certainly looked like his type...

    Obi-Wan sighed. "I don't see -"

    "Surrender!" The high cackling voice of the evil woman in front of them called their attention back to her, but neither had yet to disengage their weapons. "Or she dies!"

    "Please!" The woman cried out, and Obi-Wan immediately flicked his lightsaber off, and Anakin did the same.

    "Toss them away!" she demanded.

    Anakin looked to Obi-Wan and he gave an almost imperceptible shrug. Did she not understand how the Force worked?

    Anakin sighed as Obi-Wan turned back to Evella.

    (At least he presumed that was her moniker. That's what the tag pinned to her robes said: Evella, Evil Mastermind.)

    "Have it your way," Obi-Wan said and with a flick of his wrist he tossed his lightsaber to land with a clunk on the other side of the room.

    Anakin did the same although he didn't like it one bit. "Now let her go," he growled.

    "In time, perhaps. First... Guards!"

    Two huge security droids appeared from the shadows at the back of the room and had Anakin and Obi-Wan cuffed in Force resistant durasteel binders in a matter of moments. Anakin sighed again inwardly. This was such a kriffing waste of time.

    "What about your girlfriend?" he muttered to Obi-Wan. "What now?"

    "She is not my - "


    "Oh, for the love of..." 'Obi'grumbled.

    Anakin couldn't help a swell of amusement at Obi-Wan's irritation and he did not miss the fact that he had said 'she' is not my girlfriend not 'I don't have a girlfriend.' Still, it would do no good to have any innocent being harmed and she seemed innocent enough, if not completely delusional, so Anakin was just about to level one more threat at their captor when multiple things happened at once.

    The first thing he noticed was the whoosh of electricity being powered down, as if a giant machine was being turned off with the flip of a switch. And in the next moment, the entire scene shimmered in front of them - the vat of viscous liquid, the throne, even Evella. Even the mysterious blonde damsel in distress!

    And then the entire chamber was empty, save for the dais and the massive doors that had opened...

    And the consoles behind them.


    Anakin turned his head to find the little astromech droid at a computer in a dark back corner. He disconnected as Anakin watched and gave a high whistle of success. It had all been an elaborate illusion.

    Anakin blinked as he faced the empty scene again; he couldn’t help himself. The Force binders he’d been cuffed in were nothing impressive... He probably wouldn’t be able to lift any starships but he could still feel the currents of the Force, swirling, around and through him and he could feel Obi-Wan beside him, his mild surprise just the same as his.

    How had they not known... Anakin thought he could still sense another flickering presence in the room - just not the one he had assumed.

    "What in the blazes is going on?!" Obi-Wan demanded, his voice raising a little with each syllable, breaking the moment of suspended disbelief.

    "I see the ruse is up..."

    The voice was high and nasally and utterly annoying and Anakin had no idea from where it was coming - it sounded as though it was right in front of them but he couldn't -

    In the next moment, a - being - jumped on to the platform from behind. A tiny little green stalk-eyed being.


    The little toad man laughed, a rattling noise that was entirely unpleasant.

    "Hardly. He is my - very much less accomplished - cousin. The runt of the family."


    The Zilkin glared at him. Oh. He had said that out loud.

    "Surrender now and we will show some leniency," Obi-Wan called out, his voice as authoritative as ever.

    The little guy scoffed. "You are hardly in a position to make such demands," he said nodding toward Obi-Wan's arms still bound behind his back as he walked toward them to the front of the dais.

    "What do you think you're going to do with us?" Anakin couldn't help asking. This just kept getting crazier.

    "Ransom, of course. I only need a little more money to complete my weapon. A bio-weapon powerful enough to wipe out entire legions of troopers with one blow! Muahahahaha!"


    Anakin couldn't help but glance at Obi-Wan, who had one eyebrow arched. He thought his expression probably mirrored his own.

    "The Republic will not negotiate for our lives," Obi-Wan answered.

    "We shall see about that!"

    Oh what the hell. "How many credits do you need?" Anakin asked.

    "A billion! Muahahaha!"

    Anakin rolled his eyes, and then made a show of looking around. The droids were standing completely motionless behind them, seeming to have powered down with Artoo's system shut down. "And you expect to accomplish this all on your own?"

    "I've gotten this far, haven't I?" He said, walking closer to them. "My formula is nearly complete and I will be the most powerful being in the galaxy! I am invincible."

    "I wouldn't be so sure of that," Obi-Wan drawled. Anakin had to agree, but the evil green toad seemed undeterred.

    Hopping off the stage, he came to stand right in front of them, looking up with such bravura it was as if he was actually looking them in the eye. As if he was able.

    "What would you do?" he scoffed in that same nasally, totally not intimidating voice. "Your weapons are gone, you're bound, without the Force, no help and at my mercy.”

    Anakin tried to suppress that dark quiet voice inside of him that told him exactly what he could do...

    "And when I get those credits, I will kill you! And I will decimate the clone army!"

    Oh frak it.

    Anakin glanced to Obi-Wan and to his great surprise, and joy, saw immediately from the glint in his eyes that he was having the exact same thought.

    So with clear purpose, Anakin lifted one heavy, booted foot...
    obimom likes this.
  2. Gkilkenny

    Gkilkenny Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Mar 27, 2004
    Anakin you didn't squash him did you!!![face_devil]
    serendipityaey likes this.
  3. obimom

    obimom Jedi Master star 4

    Oct 31, 2010

    I liked that! That'll teach that evil "brain" to try to take over the universe....where's his sidekick? (I know, it's a toad instead of a mouse, but I couldn't help the comparison) [face_laugh]

    The toad knows a little too much about Obi-Wan, doesn't he? :p
    serendipityaey likes this.
  4. ZaraValinor

    ZaraValinor Jedi Grand Master star 4

    May 31, 2002

    I loved how Anakin thought 'not another one' when the blonde pleaded for Obi. It does seem that profic writers want Obi-Wan to have a girl in every port so to speak. And strangely a lot of them are blonde.
    serendipityaey likes this.
  5. WarmNyota_SweetAyesha

    WarmNyota_SweetAyesha Chosen One star 8

    Aug 31, 2004
    LOL! I almost could picture Kermit the Frog on helium with Ms. Piggy chasing after ... or Yoda's long-lost cousin [face_laugh]
    serendipityaey likes this.
  6. serendipityaey

    serendipityaey Jedi Master star 4

    Jan 24, 2004
    Thank you everyone for the comments!
  7. serendipityaey

    serendipityaey Jedi Master star 4

    Jan 24, 2004
    Haha, welll..... o_O Thanks for the review!!

    He did his research apparently, or read the Holo-Tabloids! :D So glad you liked it, thanks for commenting!

    I imagine it's just the gossip running rampant, I'm sure the Jedi were quite the hot-topic ;) I'm sure he had one wonderful, loving, loyal, caring woman. In each alternate universe! [face_love]Thanks for the review!

    Haha! He is a character :D Thanks for commenting [:D]
  8. earlybird-obi-wan

    earlybird-obi-wan Chosen One star 6

    Aug 21, 2006
    What a fun to read. All girls Obi is going to get from the proficcers are blonde (clones of Siri? I presume because Siri is still the best for me) Loved the hilarious banter between Anakin and Obi-Wan
  9. serendipityaey

    serendipityaey Jedi Master star 4

    Jan 24, 2004
    Thank you!! I'm so glad you like the banter :D Thanks for leaving a review, happy you liked it!