The Joys of Children - Writer's workshop two

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction and Writing Resource' started by Kit', Sep 2, 2003.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Kit'

    Kit' Manager Emeritus star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Oct 30, 1999
    Okay, time for another writer's workshop!

    This one is (obviously) about the portrayal of children and young teens. Over the last four years I've noticed that many people have complaints that the portrayal of children in most fanfics is slightly off - with children being portrayed as either older or younger then they are.

    So, this is your opportunity to work with children. Write a scene with a child in it, show their thoughts/feelings and the way they speak and interact with others.

    Remember, this is about improving your writing and more importantly about having fun. If you do post a story, be prepared to have it critiqued and to comment on others in kind.

  2. Jedi_Liz

    Jedi_Liz Jedi Grand Master star 6

    Apr 24, 2000
    can we post a scene we have from a fic on the boards that has children?
  3. Kit'

    Kit' Manager Emeritus star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Oct 30, 1999
    If you want to :)

  4. NarundiJedi

    NarundiJedi Jedi Master star 6

    Oct 8, 2001
    Yeah, I've got a scene in mind that I wouldn't mind posting in here. I only write one child, and right now the oldest I've had her is six months. She giggles, gurgles, and tries to reach for lots of things.

    The scene I want to write is from when she's four. I still need to do my research on pre-schoolers, but I already know she's going to be kind of shy around new people.

    We'll see what I can do and if I have time to do it! ;)

    Jae Angel
  5. jacen200015

    jacen200015 Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Jan 11, 2002
    I'm beginning another fic and right now the 4 year old boy is being treated like a teenager. [face_blush] Is that a bad thing? [face_blush] Does anyone think that its just wrong?
  6. Daughter_of_Yubyub

    Daughter_of_Yubyub Jedi Grand Master star 6

    Jul 8, 2002
    I write children a lot, so I'm going to look for a scene later.

    What I was actually hoping to do was share a really good article about children in science fiction, but the stupid site has been overhauled and it disappeared. :mad:

    [hl=pink]YubYub and TG- Protecting fangirls from hormonally gifted fanboys since 2002 [/hl]
  7. Jedi_Liz

    Jedi_Liz Jedi Grand Master star 6

    Apr 24, 2000
    well, I would think so, Jacen. I have a niece that is officially turning 4 years old tomorrow and we certainly don't treat her like a teenager. She gets away with enough stuff as it is. :p

    Anyway, here's part of my scene with children, from my fic in my sig,


    Han chimed in after Leia; "You're here to baby-sit for Leia and I.? He turned his back to them for a moment and said, "Hey look kids, fresh meat!"

    Jaina and Jacen came to the doorway, walking unsteadily on their feet. "Aunt Mawwa!" Jaina said, grabbing Mara's pant leg and tugging.

    Leia grabbed the bags and Han followed after her. She yelled behind her back, "By the way, when one of them tugs on your pant leg, that means they want picked up." Han chuckled as he followed his wife out the door, leaving the two seasoned warriors along with two small children.

    Mara sighed under her breath and picked Jaina up. You're going to owe me big for this, Skywalker. She told him through the Force.

    "I'll buy you a real dinner." Luke promised, leaning down to get Jacen.

    "You better." Mara muttered low enough so Jaina couldn't understand.

    "I wonder if Leia left a list of what to do or a number for the hotel."

    Mara put Jaina on her hip and walked into the kitchen. She grabbed a data pad off the kitchen table. "Here it is." She called back, scanning the list with her eyes. "At least she put dinner in the cooker."

    "She did?"

    "Yes. Or at least whatever dinner is for these two." She said, gesturing between the twins.

    Luke suddenly stopped in his tracks. "What's that smell?" He asked then realized it was Jacen. "Uh oh, it looks like its time for a diaper change."

    Mara started to laugh. "You do know how to do it, don't you?"

    "I've only done it once. And that was when they were tiny babies."

    Mara followed Luke into the nursery to watch him change the diaper. She bounced Jaina on her hip and they both laughed as Jacen tried to squirm away from Luke's grasp. Finally, after nearly twenty minutes of wrestling with Jacen, he got the clean diaper on him.

    Then a new smell hit their noses. "The dinner!" They both yelled, startling the twins. They grabbed the kids and ran into the kitchen, where the cooker was beeping. Mara put Jaina down, grabbed a hot pad, and lifted the lid. She sniffed. "Well, it?s a little over done, but I think it'll be okay."

    Meanwhile, Jaina had toddled into the sitting room and was walking towards a very expensive one-of-a-kind Alderaanian lamp that her mother had been given by her father for their first anniversary. Mara's danger sense flared up, and running into the room, she caught Jaina right before she could push the lamp over.

    "Whoa, there Jaina. I don't think your mommy would want that lamp broken." Jaina just laughed and toddled off. Mara looked around the room quickly, trying to find a safe place to put the lamp. Then she realized Jaina had disappeared--again. She set the lamp up on top of a high china closet and went to find her.

    Luke was still in the kitchen, trying to deal with both Jacen and the dinner. He wondered if Mara had caught Jaina yet. "How about we go find your sister, hmmm Jacen?" He asked the toddler. He shook his brown locks and laughed.

    Keeping an eye on Jacen, Luke shut the cooker off then took the hand of the toddler and they walked around the apartment, looking for Jaina.

    Mara was trying desperately to locate Jaina. Having little experience around children, she didn't know how to identify their "aura" in the Force. Luke nearly startled her when he approached the spot where she was looking.

    "Having any luck?" He said, making her jump and nearly knock another lamp over.

    She glared slightly at him, mentally acknowledging that she should learn to divide her concentration in the Force. "Not yet."

    Then they both heard giggling coming from the area of the nursery. Mara rushed into the room followed closely by Luke, who was now carrying Jacen.

    Jaina had gotten i
  8. jacen200015

    jacen200015 Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Jan 11, 2002
    Jedi_Liz Exactly. I'm still working on it so its not that long. here's what i'm talking about. *and all i have written so far.

    25,000 years BSW4

    Rain soaks my skin as I trudge through the murky swamp. Sounds of baying are heard from behind me. Run, I must run. They?re coming closer, closer. My legs give out and I fall into the swampy water. The baying is closer now and the sound of shouts can be heard. There is no escape, I cannot run anymore. I struggle to stand up and look behind me. Big red eyes are staring at me in the darkness. Splashes are heard, they have entered the swamp. Taking a deep breath I use my remaining strength to continue forward. A snap is heard as an electric whip lashes out at me. I stifle a scream of pain as I slightly stumble. Sticky red blood trickles down my arm. Dizziness settles in as fever begins to take me. I stumble and fall. Strong hands jerk me up and tie my hands behind my back. I struggle in vain as my captures finished tying me up and one of them throws me over his shoulder. I fall into unconsciousness, now oblivious to what is going on around me. I am the lone survivor of the Phellem Sector of the planet Kashi. My name is Zaneku Skywalker and this is my story.

    Four-year-old Zaneku Skywalker ran down the white marble hallways to the training room where his mother taught the children simple kata?s before they went on to a new level. He silently entered and watched as twenty females and males did their kata with preciseness and in perfect rhythm. He eyed them in fascination, longing filled his piercing blue eyes as he watched them. His mother stood in front of her students on a two-foot platform observing them. Her keen green eyes watching every movement and making notes to herself for when she would privately talk to each of her students. She taught three classes. In the morning she taught the 8 thru 12 year olds then in the afternoon she taught the 13 thru 14 year olds then in the evening she would teach the 15 year olds.

    They keyed up in a loud voice and quickly bowed in respect to their teacher. She nodded at them and waited a few minutes before she spoke. ?You all have done well. Now as you all know in two days time ten of you will be chosen from this class and will be moved up to a more complex training. Those of you who do not make it will be given choices to where you can best use your skills and begin your new training. I am proud of all of you and wish you well for the days ahead.? Her gaze swept from face to face, all of them passive and accepting of what laid ahead for them. ?You are dismissed.? She told them and gave them a nod. They all bowed their heads then in two straight lines left the room.

    As soon as his mother?s evening group had left he ran up to his mother who had come down from the platform. He wrapped his slender arms around her legs and gave her a hug. His mother chuckled lightly and picked him up and kissed him on his forehead. ?Did you have a good day??

    ?Yes mom, I did.? He replied with a wide smile.

    She put him back down and they walked out of the training room. Leaving the training building they walked down the limestone paved streets. The sun shone on the silver buildings creating a rainbow of colors. Coorla trees grew along the walkways. Their huge red leaves open and swaying in the breeze. Sweet scents filled the air from the flowers that grew around the buildings. Fresh baked goods aroma also filled the air. Small children played tag and games while the grownups talked and walked to their destination. There was no fear here, no fear of thieves, kidnappers, getting lost, getting sick or being hurt. None at all, just peace.
    Zaneku and his mother soon came to their house and Zaneku ran on inside. He headed to his father?s private office and knocked. ?Dada I?m home.?

    The polished wooden door opened and Zaneku went inside and was swept up into his father?s arms. Zaneku giggled, looked into his father?s gray eyes and tugged at his father?s silver beard.

    Veban chuckled at his son?s playfulness and ruffled Zaneku?s b
  9. padawan lunetta

    padawan lunetta Jedi Grand Master star 6

    May 15, 1999
    Like Jedi Liz I use my nieces and nephew for inspiration when it comes to children. Some of their antics inspire scenes, or what I remember from my childhood.

    I made Ben Skywalker my nephews age when I first started writing him so they could develop at about the same rate. Nothing drives me more crazy than giggling newborns or one year olds who speak in full sentences. This should be interesting to help with. (And learn from the ages I haven't been around recently. ;))
  10. obaona

    obaona Jedi Master star 4

    Jun 18, 2002
    Whenever I write kids (which isn't often), I try to remember my thought processes at that age. I manage this by thinking of some incident my mom finds so amusing and therefor tells often, and try to imagine what was going through my little head. :p That method mostly works.

    I also try and write them as seeing things as simplistic, black and white. The good guys always win. :) Because kids do think that way. And I think most kids are pretty optimistic, at least when they're young.

    Teenagers, well, I think they're the opposite. ;) Teenagers I find interesting because you get to write them while they begin to form opinions separate from that of their role models *feels weird saying this as a teenager :p *. As a result, they tend to think they're always right, because it's such a thrill that you've finally got an opinion that's well thought out (to you) and brilliant (because it's yours).

    :p :p :p
  11. ZaraValinor

    ZaraValinor Jedi Grand Master star 4

    May 31, 2002
    I don't usually write a lot of children, although they do appear in a lot of my fics, is that possible? Anyway, when I do they're not the main center, young children anyway. Right now I'm writing a Ben Skywalker fic and his sixteen.
  12. Kit'

    Kit' Manager Emeritus star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Oct 30, 1999
    Using children I interact with in real life is not to my best advantage :p (I work in a toy store!) I do use some of the ways that my brothers and sisters act, however, I mostly go off my own intutition. I've only ever been accused of making a child 'too old' once.

    I'll get to critiquing the stories that have already been posted later. Just wanted to thank everyone who has taken part in it so far.

    Thanks :)
  13. Daughter_of_Yubyub

    Daughter_of_Yubyub Jedi Grand Master star 6

    Jul 8, 2002
    Well... here goes. I've found what helps me is remembering how my little brother and sister acted at various ages. Plus, I work with kids in various volunteer programs. Anyway, here's an excerpt from one of my child dominated fics... NOTE: Wes is nine, Ketlyn is six, Mitch is three and Linzie is one.

    The main spaceport on Taanab was bustling with activity. Enormous containers of grain were being loaded onto large freighters. The ships receiving cargo were almost invariably imperial vessels. Civilian commerce was very limited.

    In contrast with the constant flow of goods, the passenger waiting area was close to deserted. A business traveler engrossed in his datapad, a young couple oblivious to everything except each other and the Janson family. The four children were attempting to compensate for the lack of any other noise generating traffic.

    Despite Nadia?s best efforts, Linzie hadn?t stopped crying since they had arrived. Mitch had crawled under a chair and was giggling uncontrollably at Terrence?s attempts to coax him out. Wes took full advantage of his parents? distraction to run to the water fountain and fill a cup. He chased Ket up and down the aisle trying to flick the liquid at her.

    ?Mommy! Make him stop!? Ket cried out.

    Nadia gently bounced Linzie up and down. ?Both of you sit down. Wes, leave your sister alone. I hope you don?t plan on acting like this on Ralltiir.?

    Wes gave her his best innocent expression. ?Of course not, Mom. I won?t have any little sisters there.?

    Wes and Ket were calmly seated trying to kick each other when an official looking human approached the family. ?Are you Nadia Janson??

    ?Yes, I am.? Wes didn?t miss the nervous edge to her statement.

    The man offered a broad smile. ?I?m Miklo Gallenth with the Galactic Student Exchange. I?ll be escorting your son to Ralltiir. Is that Wes over there??

    Wes stilled his feet and turned his attention away from Ket. ?That?s me.?

    Miklo nodded. ?Does he have his passport??

    Wes fished around in the pocket of his jacket and pulled it out with pride.

    ?Excellent,? Miklo continued. ?I have his ticket. All I need is for you to sign the forms authorizing me to have him in my care when we travel and we?ll be ready to go.?

    Nadia reluctantly took the paperwork and completed it.

    Terrence gave up on persuasion and physically pulled Mitch out from under the chair. ?Don?t you want to say goodbye to Wes??

    Mitch toddled over. Wes leaned down to give his little brother a hug. ?Bye Mitch. Don?t let Ket kill you when I?m gone.? He could already feel his sister?s eyes glaring a hole through the back of his head.

    ?I?ll be careful. Bye bye.?

    Wes turned to his irate younger sister. He attempted to quell her anger with a big hug. ?I?m gonna miss you, Ketty.?

    ?Really?? Her brown eyes sparkled with wonder.

    ?Of course.? Wes gave one of her braids a quick tug.

    His father snuck up behind him and lifted him off the ground.

    ?Dad! I?m too old for this!?

    Terrence set him back down on the ground. ?Then you?d better grow a lot on Ralltiir.?

    Wes stuck out his tongue. ?Maybe I will.?

    Nadia nudged her husband out of the way to hug Wes with her free arm. ?Now I want you to be on your best behaviour while you?re away.?

    ?Aww, Mom, you know I will.? He lifted his littlest sister out of his mother?s arms. ?Bye bye, Linzie. Watch out for Ket. She?s a tricky one.?

    ?We should be on our way,? Miklo reminded him.

    Wes handed the baby back and waved to his family. ?Goodbye everyone!?

    Over the chorus of goodbyes, he clearly heard Ket ask, ?Does he have to come back??

    [hl=pink]YubYub and TG- Protecting fangirls from hormonally gifted fanboys since 2002 [/hl]
  14. Kit'

    Kit' Manager Emeritus star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Oct 30, 1999
    I'll critique everyone else's in the morning....but for the moment - here is my interpretation of a child. Feel free to comment or not... It's something I wrote like two years ago. It's based partially on my siblings and partly on the way I used to act as a child. Please ignore the bad grammar - but feel free to comment on anything else.


    MEETING MONTY (part one)


    ?Frog? Caelum whispered it softly his hands stretched out in front of him in a silent entreaty. The water swirled up against his bare legs just brushing his knees. ?Frog.? He called again.

    The blue skinned amphibian took no notice of Caelum, its large orange eyes glancing at the human boy for a few seconds before they slid away to focus on something more interesting. Caelum pushed his black hair out of his eyes with the back of one very wet hand. His nails had gone blue from the cold and he was shivering slightly as he reached out towards the creature again. His goal was set now, and he wasn?t going to leave until he had gotten exactly what he wanted.

    He had been entranced the moment that he had seen the small frog jumping through the grass in the temple gardens where the initiates had been having their lessons on feeling the living force. It had been almost too easy to escape at the end of the lesson, slipping silently away from the creche Masters into the shade of the trees that lined either bank. Caelum had already spent an hour simply searching for the blue amphibian in the grass until he had finally spotted it amongst the reeds in the stream.

    It had so far surprised him that he hadn?t been caught, that he hadn?t heard his name being called angrily as a Creche Master had come looking for him. Now he put the thought of being caught behind him as he waited until the Frog?s entire attention was devoted to a small beetle on another reed. Caelum leaned forward, his muscles tensing and sprung. The Frog glanced sideways and leaped as Caelum?s hands grasped at the air where it should have been. Caelum landed face-first into the water, staying under just long enough for his blue eyes to make out the smooth pebbles from the bottom of the stream before he struggled to the surface, gasping for air.

    ?Great.? Caelum scolded himself out loud as he tried to squeeze the dripping water from his tunic, ?How am I going to explain this??

    Shaking the water from his hair, the eleven year old focused back on where the frog had disappeared too. For a few minutes he couldn?t see it and then an orange eye blinked at him out of the reeds. Caelum held out a hand again, his blue eyes riveted to every move the smaller creature made as he crept towards him.

    Caelum calmed his excitement and closed his eyes as he reached for the force, now he could feel the small animals in the temple gardens, feel their energy as they moved. He called to the frog and the next second felt a smooth softness plop gently into his hand. Small sticky pads attached themselves to his legs as well and he could feel cold wet bodies resting gently on his arms and legs.

    Caelum opened his eyes to find frogs everywhere he looked, either stuck to him or swimming towards him. Other creatures glanced out at him from where they sat on reeds and water plants.

    ?Whoops.? Caelum whispered softly. Glancing down he saw that the frog that he had wanted was sitting right in his hands, regarding him with an unblinking orange stare. Caelum drew on the Force again to dismiss the other frogs, and the climbed out of the stream, his pants sticking grimly to his legs.

    Carrying the frog along in his cupped hands, Caelum made his way back towards the initiate area. He had his prize now and he was almost skipping with excitement. Deciding to see what his frog was doing, Caelum opened his cupped hands. He stared at the small creature trying to decide what to call him.

    ?How about Monty?? He asked. The frog blinked, looking throughly unimpressed.

    Caelum opened his hands a little wider and taking advantage of the opportunity, the small amphibian leapt towards the wall and cr
  15. Kit'

    Kit' Manager Emeritus star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Oct 30, 1999
    OKay - critique time....

    Jedi_Liz : Interesting and good characterisation...although I did wonder why Leia and Han have an expensive lamp sitting in child grasp - most parents baby-proof their houses (and even then that's not enough). However, the behaviour is right for the age and language is about right too :)

    Jacen200015 : I can understand that you said that these children are mature beyond their years - but I haven't met a four year old who could stand by and patiently wait while every other person in the room was doing something. Most four year old's I've met also have limited dialogue and it's mostly slang rather then proper sentences. I think if you raised his age to like eight it would be okay - but four year olds are (to me anyway - feel free to disagree) batteries on legs...they just go and go and go. I liked his interaction with his parents too, and the older girl - however if you are going to pull the maturity thing off you are going to have to explain it better before hand to make it believeable.

    Daughter_of_Yubyub - This is great. The family interaction works perfectly and the characters are believeable for their respective ages. No emotion from Wes (nervous excitement?) but that was the only problem I found.


    Okay - feel free to rip mine apart. I'm going to post one more small snippet of a story that hasn't been board posted yet just for the dialogue. Feel free to take that appart too - this is a writer's workshop after all!!! Also, if you disagree with my critiques comment as well :)


    Edit: Just generally - I think there is a line between making a child a normal child and making a child too cute. It's a line easily crossed (and often unintentionally) but it can be disasterous to the whole "believeablity" of the fic.
  16. anakin_girl

    anakin_girl Jedi Knight star 6

    Oct 8, 2000
    This is a good idea, Kit'.

    I'm going to try to work on something myself this weekend, along with an exercise I'm doing for another site.

    My piece will be, of course, Anakin/Padme AU. :)

    Will do my critiques later as well.
  17. Kit'

    Kit' Manager Emeritus star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Oct 30, 1999
    Here is my second one....ignore the bad grammar...please....

    Fitz blended with the crowd on the way to the temple, Gemie and Hart walked beside him not saying anything. All three children seemed nervous, but they tried not to show it. It was better for you if the gang never saw you as being nervous or scared. That way they had nothing to pick on, nothing to tease you about or fight over later. Hart still bore the marks of his earlier encounter with Kent and he rubbed at his cheek occasionally.

    ?Yer know wha? yer doin? righ??? Fitz hissed at Gemie.

    ?Yeah.? She hissed back, ?I?m makin? da distraction and yer walkin? in and handin? back da card.?

    ??e?s na handin? it back.? Hart whispered sharply, ??e?s got ta put it where da Jedi sleep.?

    ?I don?t t?ink da Jedi do sleep.? Gemie whispered back, ?Wha? if day don?t sleep a? all!?

    ??course dey sleep.? Fitz muttered crossly. ?D?ere not gods.?

    ?D?ey can do really cool stuff though.? Hart said, ?Like kill evil guys with d?ere lightsabres. D?ey go; Zoom, Zoom.?

    Hart bounded ahead with his imaginary lightsabre cutting down foes in his path. Gemie sighed, took two steps forward to grab Hart by the collar and bring him to a rough halt.

    ?If yer not careful, Grit?z ?ill cut yer up.?
    Hart stopped and scrubbed at his still swollen cheek. He looked fearfully at Fitz.

    ?Yeah, yer gotta put it back anyways, ?cos Gritz?ll know if ya don?t.? Hart whispered.

    The three rounded the corner and stopped. The Jedi temple soared dramatically into the sky. A monument to peace and justice, it pierced the light hazy blue of the coroscant sky and radiated a sheer white light from its many windows.
  18. padawan lunetta

    padawan lunetta Jedi Grand Master star 6

    May 15, 1999
    Here's a couple of mine...first one a six month old Ben:

    After dinner, Mara had gone to the Refresher to take a long bath, leaving Luke to feed Ben. They were just barely starting the baby on grain cereal, and he seemed to like it well enough. Luke took the small bowl out of the warmer, and turned to face his six-month old son who offered him a toothless grin.

    Luke couldn't help but smile back, then took the chair placed in front of Ben's highchair. "You hungry?" He asked, dipping a small spoon into the grain-mix.

    Ben squirmed in his seat, cooing in answer. Luke smiled and shoved the first bite into Ben's mouth, catching what leaked out with the spoon to serve as the second bite. Luke got the third and fourth bites in, before Ben grew impatient and started grabbing for the bowl with his pudgy little hands. After a few minutes of dodging his hands, Luke rose to his feet with a sigh and crossed the kitchen to grab another spoon.

    Meanwhile, Ben impatiently hit the tray of his highchair with his hands, emitting low-pitched squeals of protest at having to wait. Luke sat swiftly down in front of him, placing the extra spoon in Ben?s grabbing hands, and proceeded to feed him once more.
    This worked for awhile, though Ben did try to dip his own spoon into the bowl, or stick it in his mouth when Luke tried to feed him another bite. Just as Luke was leaning forward to give Ben the next bite, the door announcer rang. Luke turned his head setting the bowl down, stretching out with the Force to see who was at the door.

    He just recognized Ganner Rhyshode and Cianna Darklighter, when aloud clatter brought his attention back to his son, making him wish he hadn't looked away. Two seconds was all Ben needed to grab the bowl of grain-cereal, and dump it down his lap. He gave Luke a big toothless grin, before shoving a cereal covered fist into his mouth. Luke had to smile, and even tickle his now very messy son.

    "Looks like I can't take my eyes off you for even a moment, little fella," he said, patting Ben's fuzzy head. "Let's get you cleaned up..." he said, before the door announcer rang again. Sighing, he lifted Ben up into a one armed grip, and exited the kitchen. He barely made it into the living room when Ben grabbed his father?s hair in one messy fist, and reached for his father?s nose squirming excitedly. Luke laughed, bouncing Ben in his arm. "You're not helping me make a good impression on our guests," Luke said, kissing Ben's sticky cheek.

    Andthe trouble with siblings...(Jysella's five and I think Valin's eleven of twelve)


    "I was not!" Jysella's high-pitched voice called out from behind the door, causing Corran to stop in his stride to let out a long breath. His children were fighting again, wonderful.

    "You were too!" Corran heard Valin retort, then his tone grew quite smug. "You're only too young to remember."

    Corran opened the door then, stepping into his not so meticulously clean living room. "Too young to remember what?"

    "Um, nothing Dad," Valin replied, sheepishly.

    Jsyella pounced. "Daddy! Valin says that I was once a glass of water that you and mommy wished into a little girl, and that he could unscrew my head and drink me up!"

    Corran shook his head. "Wasn't she a mutated nerf that your mother and I took pity on last week?"

    Jysella's green eyes widened with horror. "You said that wasn't true, Dad!"

    "It's not." Corran assured his daughter, ruffling her hair. "And you were never a glass of water either." He shot Valin a warning look. "However, you'll both be skinned nerfs is your mother comes home and sees this mess."

    "It's Valin's fault!"

    "It's Jysella's toys!"

    Corran held his hands up. "I don't care who made it. I only care that it is picked up. Blame it on wild banthas if you like."

    "But Daadddyy!" Jysella whined, poking out her bottom lip.

    "But Jyseeeellllaa," Corran mimicked her. "The sooner you get started, the faster you'll be finished."

    Jysella harumphed and stomped after her brother, who was already picking up

    AERYN_SUN Jedi Knight star 5

    Apr 1, 2001
    Interesting topic, Kit. I'll be keeping an eye on this one.

  20. Jedi_Liz

    Jedi_Liz Jedi Grand Master star 6

    Apr 24, 2000
    Thanks Kit.

    I think it wouldn't have done Han and Leia any good to put the lamp somewhere up high -the kids are force sensitive and they could levitate it down once they get a handle on the Force. :p

    I'd like to see a child(ren) scene written by someone who is a parent - to see if there is anything different from a real life parent's prospective compared to an aunt, uncle or cousin having written it.

  21. Kit'

    Kit' Manager Emeritus star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Oct 30, 1999
    Just a request - but I'd love to see some critiques by other people too :)

    Also - what is the worst way that an author can present a child? When do you cross that line from believeable to too cute?

  22. Kathryn

    Kathryn Jedi Padawan star 4

    May 1, 2002
    Hey guys! Interesting topic, here, Kit. I find it hard to write Jedi kids, for some reason. I can call up what I remember from kids in my family, kids I've known, or babysat for. But Force-sensitive children are that much trickier - it's still best if you can be realistic, but you have to make them noticeably precocious (ie Jacen and Jaina Solo in the novels) The worst mistake I think an author can make with children.. I'm not sure, I think it's the same as any other characters, you really have to experiment and see what works, and then the tough part, recognize what doesn't work :p

    Ok, for reviews so far:

    Luney: I can totally see siblings interacting that way, that was great! He he, poor Luke! That was an adorable scene, also vivid and also very true to life.

    Kit: Excellent! :D Ah, children in mischief. I liked the dialogue in the second one, exactly how a group of older kids in a schoolyard would behave, and speak I'm just curious, did I miss reference to the ages of the kids in both of your excerpts?

    Jacen: I like how you portrayed having the child's father of a species that matures really quickly. :) You handled that aspect I was talking about (the precocious tot) very well!

    Daughter of Yub Yub: Aww.. ickle Wes! :D Gotta love that. I totally can see in that the man he becomes.

    Jedi Liz: Lol! very cute. :D I compliment you on the way you had the twins acting as toddlers, more than the books do! :)

    Hope I didn't miss anyone! :p

    Is is OK if I post what I'm working on? There are some scenes with my child character that I'd like to submit to this workshop's critique. The story spans from when she's a baby all the way up to her turning 16 (well, she's 15, still) I'm not sure about those last, though, do you guys think 15 is too old?
  23. Kit'

    Kit' Manager Emeritus star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Oct 30, 1999
    Fifteen is fine :)

    Thanks for the compliment :) Caelum is eleven in that snapshot. Fitz, Hart and Gemie are all young children. Hart is five, Gemie is ten and Fitz is about seven.

  24. Kathryn

    Kathryn Jedi Padawan star 4

    May 1, 2002
    Cool! That's about what I would have guessed! :)

    Ok, excellent! Here is a scene with Padmé (not the Padmé you're thinking of) at 15:

    The next thing I?m aware of is waking up. Of the crisp white sheets, and a splitting
    headache. That the Force was back again, and of Mom?s healing energy, how she is
    wrapping me in warmth. Father is here too, I can feel his blazing presence before I see
    him, which brings me more relief than I would have thought possible.

    ?Hi.? Mom says softly. ?Good to see you awake, sweetheart. You gave us quite a scare.
    You?re in the Med centre at Shelter. You collapsed in the docking bay.

    Grimacing, I turn my head to study her. I feel Mom?s distress, and I remember, with a
    sinking heart, our last conversation , the cold anger of it, on my part. I shudder. If that
    had really been our last conversation...

    ?Can you forgive me?? I whisper to her.

    ?Of course I can. The question is whether you can forgive me. You have a lot to be
    angry about. Angry at me. I wanted to explain so many times. Do you know I wrote you a
    letter?You were very little, but if anything happened to me, I wanted - Then I suppose I
    never let myself find the right time...?

    I take my hand in hers.

    ?I see, Mom. I see.?

    I don?t have to say more. She knows that I understand. I understand how hard she?d
    found to live with her heritage. How much guilt she has for bestowing it on me, and more
    besides. She knows that I?m telling her that everyone, everyone has burdens they can?t
    avoid - that I can accept the fact that these are mine. That I realize, regardless of what she
    might have done differently, she had gone to such lengths to protect me from their
    impact. To her cost.

    ?Oh baby? she finally manages to reply ?How did you get to be so wise??

    ?I guess these past few weeks have been good for something besides nightmares, huh??

    We both laugh - well I sort of laugh, given the pain in my chest. It is, after all, better
    than the alternative.

    Tekli, the academy?s medic, once the apprentice of Clighal comes in.

    ?I?ll go and get your father.? Mom says
    I call after her
    ?There?s something else. Mom, while I was - I saw Anakin.?
    Her eyes mist over.
    ?I?ll tell you about it sometime. When we?re both ready.?
    She nods once quickly, then leaves the room.

    Tekli enter, checks me over, talking about my condition.

    ?Well, we?ve treated the burns on your hands and face. The damage to your lungs will
    heal in time - soon I should think, now that this drug seems to have been cleansed from
    your system. It would have been much worse without the rebreather. We put you on
    rehydration, and nutrients while you were unconcious. Hopefully you?ll be able to return
    to normal eating habits in a few days as well.

    ?How long was I unconcious??

    ?It?s been a few hours.?
    I try to sit up, and regret it immediately.

    ?Just rest. I?ll allow visitors, but don?t tire yourself.

    I smile innocently

    ?Hey. This is me.?

    ?Exactly my point.?

    She leaves the room muttering something about Jedi.

    Father comes in.

    ?Hello. How are you feeling??

    ?Better. Thanks. I?m sorry. That fit I threw. It was wrong of me?

    ?It?s quite all right. I know I?m to blame as well, I -

    ?No more should haves, Father. Please. I know you did your best.?

    ?I ask myself so many times if that?s true, If there was something I could have done to be
    with her. With you.?

    ?You love Shawnkyr. Not as you loved Mom, maybe. But we?re all better off for it.?

    ?You?ve been talking to your mother, I see.?

    ?Yeah. I have.?

    ?I guess it would be well to do the same. We had-? he winces ?A bit of an argument
    before. She didn?t want to let you come back to Nirauan, where, she said, I had let you get

    ?I bet she did? I relpy drily.

    ?And then I fired right back, and it went from there. We could attribute to the stress of the
    situation, and put it aside, I hope.?

    ?I?m sure you can patch it up.?

    He leans in to kiss my forehead, and give me a hug. I k
  25. Kathryn

    Kathryn Jedi Padawan star 4

    May 1, 2002
    Just another up, hoping I didn't kill the thread :p

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.