The Laboratory

Oh, that was funny, Kit'! Too good! Mary Sue gets it all wrong! I especially liked the way her peaches and cream complexion turned raspberry -- good use of fruits there! And the way the two planets became friends only because they were joined against her! Very delightful!

 

Kit'

*dies laughing*

That was brilliant... Mary Sue gets it all wrong for once! YAY! Love it... hehehe

"Sentenced you are, to never be mentioned again." Hear, hear!

 

This was hilarious. I was LOL through most of it!
I especially liked the
?And the ancient evil?? The girl asked twisting white hands over one another.

Mace Windu flipped his data pad open and scrolled for a few seconds and scanned it.

?No,? he said looking up, ?you got that right.?

I couldn't find anything wrong with it except one typo of master rather than Master.

Great job.

 

"Maari-Zu"

Cute.

Classic sentences...

"There was a pregnant pause as the council members stared at her. The girl could only imagine that they did so out of envy."

And...

"The girl?s voice echoed, still so beautiful in its intonation that one could only imagine the sweet singing voice she obviously possessed."

Since I'm a newbie here...does it ever really get THIS bad?

?My Masters,? She said melodiously, bowing very low, ?I come before you only after saving the Jedi Order from my ex-boyfriend, slaying the Zulan monster before he could devour an innocent boy. Defeating the last remnants of an ancient evil, an establishing relations between the two planets of Tu and Bu after years of conflict. I only managed to do this after the horrible death of my Master and my short descent into the darkside. I?m afraid that only your eternal gratitude and my immediate elevation from Padawan to Council member could ever make up for it.?

 

LOL, Kit'! I have to assume you're experimenting with humor, since there doesn't seem to be much need for critiquing, here! The only thing you left out was the figure-enhancing skintight leather body suit in some shade of green...

?Never go unpunished, crimes do.? Master Yoda beamed, ?Sentenced you are, to never be mentioned again.? We wish! Now run right over to the boards and post this! Too good not to share!

Since I'm a newbie here...does it ever really get THIS bad? Alas, drippy, you DON'T want to know!

 

Thanks everyone. I'm glad you enjoyed it, I was slightly worried no-one would get the humor.

Yeah, it was an experiment with humor. I'm not used to doing that sort of length as most of short stories might have a single one-liner - however, recently they've all been rather dark in mood.

It was also a dialogue thing. People often comment that my dialogue ends up being stilted so a piece that involved a lot of dialogue was a good try out.

I'm glad there was almost nothing to critique.

Kithera

 

That was so funny! Great job!

All I noticed was two things.

framed by gloriously long dark lases

I assume you meant lashes. No biggie, just a typo.

have only become friends due to there overwhelming dislike of you

That, I believe, should be their.

lordmaul13

 

Whoops. Reconsidered.

 

Wow! It took me a while to get it, but once I did, I cracked up sooo much! hehe, Maari-Zu, never to be mentioned, huh?

 

Hm, I remember a Temple of Bu in the Adventure game "Little Big Adventure" (released in the U.S. as "Relentless - Twinsen's Adventure").

 

Jane - sorry you reconsidered. I thought maybe you were doing the Jedi Mind trick on us. I did like the heroine biting Qui-Gon. Maybe we'll see an altered version soon??

 

Diane, thanks for the feedback. I didn't think that anybody had read it. I don't know about an altered version, though, I'll have to think about how I can do it differently.

 

PURE GENIUS, 'Kit. I loved it.

In terms of critique, I'm just going to do the child-of-an-English teacher things and point out that some of those periods could probably work better as commas. "He was an electrician." Adi Gallia intoned from the other side of the room, for example. And Defeating the last remnants of an ancient evil, an establishing relations between the two planets of Tu and Bu after years of conflict is a sentence fragment. Oh, and You're master should be your.

Gaackh! It sounds like I'm trashing it!! I hope I don't come off too much like that. I LOVED it. Spectacular.

Perhaps we'll see the further adventures of Maari-Zu? The Council may not want to hear it, but, as we all know, as much as we complain, we can't keep one down... Next will have to be the tale of how she conquered the Sith Order singlehandedly because of the strength she could take from the memory of the husband who died of an incurable disease after she defied the Council to marry him in the first place...

 

She'll then have to find her adorable, long-lost twins with mysterious powers taken from her by the evil Sith Lord to be trained for the Dark Side, and she will nearly be turned herself attempting to win them back, after she recovers from amnesia and forgets she's a Jedi...

Oh, dear. We may have to move this discussion back to "Cliche Elements!"

Anyone else want to tackle anything different? I've got Darth RL almost up to the eyeballs this month...

 

In a few days, I'll have a lightsaber battle that will need major work. I have no clue - I don't have any background in martial arts so I'm quaking with fear that my readers will go off, laughing at me, and never return.

Oh, and if it's part of a fic that I'm currently writing, should I alert my readers, that are on this thread, that there are potential story spoilers afoot before I post it? I could change the names to confuse everyone but the weapons would have to remain the same...

 

Potential spoilers? Oh, Diane, you are putting me in a quandry here! On the one hand, I'm dying to read it, on the other hand, I don't want to ruin the suspense ... you'd better change the names. Pretend they are original characters.

 

Hello, everyone. This piece was written within the last 30 Minutes or so and was intended to make an attempt in describing a lightsabre fight. However, I have the feeling as if i've failed, but I post it anyway, just to get your input, because I'm not used to write action scenes.

So, I wonder: How could I write better action scenes, since I don't really know how to do it ?

(By the way, this piece is a kind of playing with clichés, but some parts of it are intended as serious writing. Although my grammar might be quite bad ... )


... The lightsabres were humming, nearly clashing .
Both enemies stood very close to one another, looking deeply into their faces.
Amosukaly Ratole danced around his enemy, a dark figure shrouded into dark mist.

Well, the dark mist actually was no mist, but instead a long, black hood covering a body, but for the weaker minded it seemed as a black, murky, devastating cloud of pestilence.

Amosukaly Ratole was no weak minded one. Instead, he was a Jedi Master.

The dark figure did not dance around the Jedi Master. Instead, he stepped back, swung his lightsabre down onto him, expecting the Jedi to form a defense pose, and thus forming a bow of light around him, attacking from the right. He nearly hit him, but the Jedi simply jumped into the air.

Amosukaly still didn?t know what kind of enemy he faced. He clearly saw a Kubaz, but nothing more. He didn?t know why he was attacked, and why the other one was standing here, in this ruin of a temple. The whole case cried for investigation.

Jumping down from the alcove again, he turned to the dark figure, ready to attack him. Being on the floor, he made another jump, intending to drive the enemy into the nearby pool.

The dark one sensed danger. He looked up, but saw no sign of the Jedi. His look switched from the door to the next pool, and then to the other pools, almost expecting an attack from there.

Instead, the Jedi came down left of him, instantly making a jump-attack. He forced his body towards the Jedi, holding his lightsabre up.

Amosukaly expected the dark one to withdraw, and was surprised he didn?t. The clash of the lightsabres was enormous, almost draining the whole energy from both of them. The dark room was enlightened by a red and purple blaze of energy.

None withdrew.

The laughter was clear to hear.

Suddenly both were frightened.

Someone had awaited them.

Striking fast two times at the Jedi the dark one irritated him, using this moment to flee. Should the other one deal with him, he thought, I have more importand matters to deal with.

Amosukaly Ratoly was left alone. All he could see was a running figure, running away at highest speed ...

 

Hi Alrik. I can't really comment on your lightsaber duel because I also have problems with that. However, a few comments on language.

My personal goal is to use the English language more fully. It is full of rich description and meaning. Your word usage should vary more and could use additional adjectives and adverbs to give more depth to the story. For example, the word jump could also be leap, bound, hop, vault, among others. Try and use a thesaurus to get other meanings to a word. Word processing programs usually have some type of thesaurus in them as well.
Another example would be pool - are they boiling pools full of black mud or quiet pools filled with brilliant color? Are the pools alive with fish and flowing greenery or are they shadowy masses of debris and half-dissolved bone? This is only an example.

Don't heap too much description onto your story but add just enough for interest. Since you are aiming for a good lightsaber duel, you might want to concentrate your descriptions on those aspects of the fight for more depth.

For characters, when they have long names like Amosukaly Ratole - I saw that you did use Amosukaly and Jedi Master - try to also use Master, Ratole, Jedi, and a variety of different names to describe him. It gives more interest.


I really liked your paragraph about the temple and the whole case cried for investigation.

A good first start. I tend to be really anal about language and it takes me forever to write anything.



Okay, everyone, Alrik is here for help and this is the Laboratory. So help him....

 

Well, let's see if this will help:

... The lightsabres were humming, nearly clashing .

Without some explanatory sentences in front of this, it sounds like the lightsabers are acting on their own, without help.

Both enemies stood very close to one another, looking deeply into their faces.
Amosukaly Ratole danced around his enemy, a dark figure shrouded into dark mist.

...looking deeply into i]each other's[/i] faces. Um, how can they look into each other's face if one of them is shrouded in dark mist? It sounds like Ratole wouldn't be able to see the face.

Well, the dark mist actually was no mist, but instead a long, black hood covering a body, but for the weaker minded it seemed as a black, murky, devastating cloud of pestilence.

"Well" is usually only used in speech, as in "Well, well, well, what have we here?" Start out with "The dark mist was actually a long, black hood ..."

Amosukaly Ratole was no weak minded one. Instead, he was a Jedi Master.

Ratole was not a weak-minded person/man.

The dark figure did not dance around the Jedi Master. Instead, he stepped back, swung his lightsabre down onto him, expecting the Jedi to form a defense pose, and thus forming a bow of light around him, attacking from the right. He nearly hit him, but the Jedi simply jumped into the air.

This second sentence is a bit awkward. Is the dark figure expecting the Jedi to form a bow of light around him, or is he himself the one who is doing that? Also, there are too many 'him's, which can be confusing.

Amosukaly still didn?t know what kind of enemy he faced. He clearly saw a Kubaz, but nothing more. He didn?t know why he was attacked, and why the other one was standing here, in this ruin of a temple. The whole case cried for investigation./i]

He didn't know why he was being attacked, and why the other person/figure/man was standing here ...

Jumping down from the alcove again, he turned to the dark figure, ready to attack him. Being on the floor, he made another jump, intending to drive the enemy into the nearby pool.

What alcove? When was Ratole in the alcove the first time? And how did he get into it the second time? If he is a Jedi Master, shouldn'tn't he simply defend himself without attacking? "Being on the floor" is an awkward phrase. Try "Once he'd landed on the floor..." And what pool? I think you need more description of the setting.

The dark one sensed danger. He looked up, but saw no sign of the Jedi. His look switched from the door to the next pool, and then to the other pools, almost expecting an attack from there.

Because this paragraph comes after the previous one where Ratole is jumping down from the alcove to the floor, the reader is confused as to why the Dark One can't see him. "His look" should be "He glanced from the door to the next pool ...". "Almost expecting an attack from there ..." could be "as though he were expecting an attack from their depths."

Instead, the Jedi came down left of him, instantly making a jump-attack. He forced his body towards the Jedi, holding his lightsabre up.

You might want to take that paragraph about the alcoves and combine it with this one, then write how Ratole comes down to the left of the Dark One. "He forced his body towards the Jedi ..." sounds awkward again, as though he is somehow separate from his body and trying to push it forwards. You might want to say "He forced his way towards the Jedi ..." And "holding his lightsaber up" sounds ... well ... weak. Perhaps a bit more description? "...holding his lightsaber in an upright defensive position"?

Amosukaly expected the dark one to withdraw, and was surprised he didn?t. The clash of the lightsabres was enormous, almost draining the whole energy from both of them. The dark room was enlightened by a red and purple blaze of energy.

The clash of the lightsabers ... hmm. Perhaps explain how either one or the other of them attacks his opponent? Describe the sounds that the li

 

I am so saddened by this! this is great! In love it! *cries*

 

For saber scenes (says she who passed the next belt test--yay! ), you can use a lot of "blocks" and "strikes."

"He brought his sword up in a high block as Badguy slashed down. Then, swiftly disengaging, he stepped to the right, spinning and slashing straight across his opponent's torso. The momentum of Badguy's attack carried him straight into the deadly blade. In only moments, the Jedi stood, quietly contemplating the fallen body of his foe."

That is an actual move I've done. High blocks, low blocks, outside blocks, different kinds of strikes and slashes.

There are also descriptive terms for the stances we use, perhaps you could work those in?

"Padawan Jai-eza eyed the approaching Gorloks, and suddenly stepped into a wide stance, with her knees bent and her body relaxed. She drew her saber, touching the control that sent the green blade hissing to life.

She took one step forward, blocking a blaster shot with an almost-casual motion of the saber before slashing downwards, killing the Gorlok leader instantly.

Jai stepped backwards then, resting her weight on her rear foot and crouching slightly in a cat-like stance. Slowly, deliberately, she brought her sword up with the blade parallel to the ground and the hilt only inches from her her cheek.

And waited."

AKA --cat stance

If you can find or order any books at the library on Kendo or Gumdo (two Asian martial arts that lightsaber fighting is based on), you may get more ideas.

 

Hello, everybody

Here comes my first attempt at writing disturbing dream sequences, which is something I've always avoided in the past. Also, I probably should warn you that it's my first attempt at doing any creative writing directly in English, since I am not a native speaker.

My two basic questions are:

a)Is the amount of language mistakes (grammar, phrasing, spelling) still within acceptable parameters, i.e. small enough that a native speaker could fix them without too much effort?

b)Does the scene itself work, or is it nothing but weird and confusing?

Bimo



================================================
Obi dream sequence, set shortly after AotC

He follows Taun We onto the bridge, black metal tiles stretching upwards, leading into a radiant whiteness. He cannot see the end of this. His robe (wasn't it supposed to be wet?), has no weight here, his steps make no sound. So Obi-Wan looks down, only to realise he is barefooted. A fact which puzzles him, but doesn't cause any bad feelings, for he knows he can trust Taun We's guidance.

The Kaminoans, though oddly detached from the Force, are a pure species. Untouched by the Dark Side, they have no fear or aggression, only the innate wish to learn and create.

There-is-no-emotion-there-is-peace-there-is-no -ignorance-there-is-knowledge-there-is-no-passion-there-is -serenity-there-is-no-death, he hums softly. Ever since Naboo, this melody has been safety rope and his comfort. As long as he can cling to it, he never will fall.

"But, Master, without passion, wouldn't we be hollow?"

Anakin's face has appeared out of nowhere.

"Where did you pick up such nonsense, Padawan? Surely not in the Temple. Anyway, I do not think, right at this point it would be wise for me to investigate what you and the Senator are doing behind the red curtains. Didn't I warn you that politicians were not to be trusted?"

"Master, please?"

"Quiet, Ani. Let's not disturb Taun We's slumbering clones." He resumes his walk, first hesitatingly, than faster.

The countless rows of incubators unfolding before him, leave Obi-Wan breathless. His throat aches, his cheeks tingle with excitement (This gallery is a chilly place. Where are your boots, when you need them? Can I have my robe back, please? If there are bloodstains, I will pay for the cleaning.)

Taun We turns around. "How you like your army, Master Sifo-Dyas?"

"I'm sure, there must be a misunderstanding." he protests. Her sterile, dissonant voice irritates him almost as much as the name.

"All Jedi are one. Once an order has been placed, the customer must accept the outcome."

"But don't these embryos have will of their own?"

"They will be excellent soldiers for an excellent General. War is their sole purpose of being."

Pearl-skinned and graceful she bends down to him. "The is no need to worry, Obi-Wan. I promise you, everything will be fine." she whispers.

The last thing he remembers is the cold, sweet touch of her breath.

 

Welcome, Bimo! I tend to avoid dream sequences, too. They are hard to write to avoid putting them "over the top." In terms of grammar, language, etc. I didn't notice any glaring no-nos; any errors are probably pretty minor.

It was a little confusing, but the point is that it's a dream, and dreams are always a little confusing. It actually seemed pretty coherent for a dream. I thought it looked pretty good. I liked the little asides where he wondered why he was barefooted, and thought there might be bloodstains on his cloak.

The tricky part will be determining where and why to deploy it in a story. Which is a good topic, if anyone cares to discuss it. Thoughts, anyone?

Now, I want to officially introduce the extremely talented Melyanna, who has agreed to act as co-host and has some wonderful ideas for exercises. So if you can't think of something to experiment with on your own, you have the option of picking up her suggested exercise and trying that.

Anyway, I've been hoping she'd agree to jump in; she is a very talented writer and has some incredibly creative ideas. I believe she's come up with an interesting opening exercise, related to "point of view." But I will let her tell you herself.

A big round of applause, please, for our new co-host!

 

I'm with Mistress_Renata on this one. There were some minor grammar errors but no glaring ones. I probably would have ignored them or had a beta reader fix them.
I actually liked the dream sequence a lot. Felt like a dream to me with different things happening that wouldn't normally come together. The only quibble I had was using ( ) to indicate asides. I probably would have italicize them or emphasized them in a different way.


As for our co-host, welcome Melyanna. My only question is when do you have time to sleep since you're doing the indexes and everything else?

 

I like how you used present tense instead of the typical past tense, it works well and fits the idea of a dream sequence very well!