The Laboratory

Okay, this is a short part of the longer fic I'm currently writing. No, it doesn't give away anything of the plot so anyone can read it!

Obi-Wan is speaking to his apprentice about his childhood....


He sat there for a just a moment and then began to speak, a murmur of enigma and questioning contradiction, his voice scarcely above a puzzled whisper. "I was going to be a farmer. Did you know that?" His Padawan quickly shook her head.

"So long ago, it seems a lifetime." A brief upturn of the mouth and then he turned solemn once again. "It was a lifetime ago. Just shy of thirteen and desperate to attract a Master, I let my anger control my actions, push just a little harder, parry just a little stronger than a Jedi should. Foolish mistake." His frown deepened and then smoothed out as the memories took over. "And because of that, no Master in his right mind would come near me." He shrugged, shadowed irony in the set of his shoulders and far-off stare. "I probably wouldn't have come near me with that much passion and anger." He grew still once more. "Finally, I had a chance to prove myself before the assemblage of Knights and Masters, in a sparring match that ended in triumph. But I had used my anger and aggression to win the battle and no one wanted to take on a Padawan with such traits."

He gazed at her, quiet voice thready with loss. "Instead, I was shipped off to Bandomeer, to the AgriCorps, a failure. I still loathe the place, even now. I don't think I would have minded quite so much if they had sent me elsewhere, into the piloting program maybe or the Engineering Corps but farming was never in my blood."

He looked away, off into the somber night. "I was disheartened, all thoughts of my ever becoming a Jedi Knight dashed into atoms. I did not know what to do, what to think." He paused once more. "The odd thing was that Qui-Gon Jinn was on that ship. I never did find out the real reason, whether the Force was with me that day or maybe it was Yoda's machinations; I don't know."

He breathed a gentle sigh of regret. "That man was always stubborn as a gundark. Even though I tried so hard to please him, to make him see that I could be a great Jedi, Qui-Gon refused to consider me as a Padawan, told me no several times and dashed my hopes into dust."

Obi-Wan glanced at her but he only saw the past, his mind's eye turned inward. "Did you know that when hope is gone, when you have nothing left to lose, you are free, truly free? Free to make your own choices and be damned with the consequences."

"I was about to help Qui-Gon get clear of the trap we had fallen into, blow open the door and myself with it. The explosive was attached to my worker's collar, you see, and, with very little time left, there was only one option - let the explosion rip apart the door and have a true Jedi save the planet. I would die, of course, but that really didn't matter." He frowned again, remembering the terror and peace that came with sacrifice. "And when that moment came, without hope of surviving the blast and all my dreams scattered like ash in the wind...in that moment, I was finally free. I was free of the torment of knowing I'd never be a Jedi, free to help so that others could live, free to do something worthwhile one last time." He huffed slightly, smiling at the memory. "And in that instant, Qui-Gon called me Padawan."

She was irate. "That was certainly last minute."

He finally looked at her with clear eyes. "So it was. But, ever stubborn, he would not let me die, refused my sacrifice and demanded that there was another way." He smiled slightly. "We found it together. We saved Bandomeer that day and a lot of people and Qui-Gon Jinn became my Master at last."

 

Heheheheh, so I'm a little late here...

Anyway, I've read through the pieces here, and they're all looking great! I'm glad so many people are stepping up to the microphone, so to speak, and trying something new. The experiments here are turning up fruitful indeed. (Yes, I'll be posting more detailed feedback to the selections at some point, but right now, my brain is fried by school. )

So, since some people expressed interest in a monthly exercise, here's something for... well, we'll make it June's exercise, since May is almost over.

Ever wondered what that guy way in the back of that one scene was up to? You know, that guy - the one carrying the... eh, never mind. But seriously, we see the films from a relatively limited point of view, typically just the main characters. But there are a lot of other characters who make up the Star Wars saga - what about them?

Your assignment is to take a scene from any of the films and write it from the POV of a background character. It could be Sabé while Padmé reveals her true identity, a pilot in the Death Star run, a soldier on the ground at Endor. Take a scene, twist it around, and let us see something about it that we might not have seen before. (A great example of this is DarthLothi's Long Time Gone, found at TFN's archive.)

Feel free to make suggestions for more exercises - just PM Mistress_Renata or myself. Happy writing!

Mel

 

I liked it. I don't know much about the prequel era, I'm more of an NJO person, so I'm pretty clueless about Qui-Gonn and Obi-Wan's early years together. But you had me hooked.

lordmaul13

 

Here is my "flashback" scene. It was a bit longer than I originally intended, more build up to get to the reminisce.



?The Imperial Naval lieutenant burst in, his face flushed and his eyes about to spill over with tears. ?You have to help me!? he said.

?What?s wrong, Tarsus?? Colonel Draklor asked, leaning back in his chair, behind the desk.

?She?s going to kill him!? Tarsus said.

?Kill who?? Draklor asked.

?My brother,? Tarsus said. He collapsed into one of the chairs in front of Draklor?s desk and covered his face as he couldn?t hold back the tears anymore.

?What?!? a stunned Draklor asked. ?Not if I have anything to say about it!? He stood up and strapped on his belt and blaster. He punched on the intercom. ?Sergeant! Get me first platoon of A Company here, outside my office, ready to go in five minutes.? He punched the button again, shutting off the intercom. ?Where is he??

?In the detention area,? Tarsus said.

?You?re off duty right?? Draklor asked.

Tarsus nodded.

?Get to your quarters and stay there. I don?t want her to know you?re involved,? Draklor said.

Tarsus nodded again and trudged off, hoping his friend could save his brother.

Draklor lead the platoon of stormtroopers, that he had called for, to the detention area. They filed in, not quite aiming their weapons at the naval troopers, who were the detention area guards.

?Sergeant,? Draklor said. ?Captain Troas is in here somewhere. Find him.?

A black uniformed lieutenant approached. ?Just what is going on here?? he inquired.

?You have one of my men,? Draklor explained. ?I?m taking him back.? The stormtroopers shifted their aim directly at the naval troopers, leaving the comment; and there?s nothing you can do to stop me, unsaid.

The sergeant pecked at the computer for a few minutes. ?Captain Troas should be?? he glanced around to get his bearings, ?right there, sir, the first cell.?

?Take your squad and follow me. The rest of you stay here,? Draklor ordered and strode over to the detention cell. ?Wait outside. You?ll know if I need you.? He palmed the door control. The door opened with a hiss and Draklor descended into the cell, to see Captain Kaelta watching as her pet, Lieutenant Triann, administered a beating to the bound and gagged Captain Troas.

?What is going on here?? Draklor demanded.

?I?m overseeing the torture and execution of this prisoner,? Captain Kaelta said. ?You may feel free to leave. Now.?

?He?s army, that makes him mine, not yours,? Draklor said. ?I?m not leaving without him.?

Kaelta noticed the stormtroopers waiting outside. ?You,? she said and lunged, arms outstretched for Draklor?s throat, at him.

Draklor caught her wrist and sent her flying into the wall. Quickly his blaster was in his hand and aimed at Lieutenant Triann.

Triann smiled a half mad smile and an insane glint edged into her brown eyes. She gently, almost lovingly, caressed the handle of her blaster and stared deeply into Draklor?s eyes.

?Don?t even think it,? Draklor said.

The sergeant and another stormtrooper had entered when the scuffle broke out. Draklor ordered them to take Kaelta and Triann?s sidearms. They silently complied.

Kaelta stood up from her landing place on the floor, a look of pure hatred, that turned her attractive face ugly, directed at Draklor. ?Someday I?ll cut your heart out and eat it,? she threatened.

Draklor couldn?t help drawing back slightly. ?How did you end up so twisted?? he asked.

Involuntarily Kaelta?s thoughts flashed back to her childhood.

Humming happily she shut off the water. She stepped out of the fresher and into her father?s fist. With a painful cry she fell to the floor and tears welled up in her eyes. Hot blood trickled down from her nose.

Her father kicked her, once, twice, as she moaned and writhed on the floor. ?How many times do I have to tell you to be quiet?? her father shouted. ?You?re making so much noise in there, running the water, humming, that I can?t sleep!?

?I?m s-s-sorry, Dad,?

 

Nice work lord_maul13...

I take it the people involved are OCs? I haven't come across any of them before. If they're established characters from say the NJO (which I haven't read) then I don't think I got all of it exactly.

I think a little more context might be better for established characters - still, great work.

Nem

 

Yes, they are OC's. They're from one of my first stories that I did here. That one was even more

lordmaul13

 

Good jobLord Maul. The woman Kaelta is certainly a piece of work and yet with the flashback you could almost feel sorry for her. I liked how you suggested that her life got worse when she got older and her father abused her more and yet you never said what that abuse was. What did ever happen to dear old dad?

I liked the flow of the whole piece especially the stormtroopers being overruled by the army...LOL.

 

Thank you dianethx. I am very glad to hear you liked.

yet you never said what that abuse was.

I tried to keep it subtle. Maybe it was too subtle. I was hinting at sexual abuse.

What did ever happen to dear old dad?

I haven't decided yet. I just threw that line in because I thought it sounded good. But you can rest assured, he got his. I've been saying that a lot lately. He got his has been my new favorite phrase for the past week or two.

lordmaul13

 

That explains so much lordmaul!

No wonder she's gone insane!

 

Okay, this is the first fight scene I've ever written. As per JaneJinn's request, I have changed significant parts of it so she won't be able to tell who is fighting whom (no, not even little clues) but anyone currently reading my fic Betrayal is free to not read it for fear of spoilers....

Okay, I really need help here!!!






The darksider, Zam Teoth, leaped forward, a furious "No" escaping her lips. She tried to angle past the Jedi, Anjah Sle'fey, but the Knight shifted into Zam's path, grabbing for her arm.

Teoth twisted, slippery and sinuous, and deftly avoided the grasp but Anjah was not to be ignored. Angling forward, Sle'fey's foot shot out, sending Teoth into a rocketing sprawl. Astonishingly, instead of a clumsy dive, Zam merely tucked into a roll, the sudden jolt of twisted limbs moving into fluid grace. The crunch and clatter of displaced rock and soil was loud as she hit the ground, the red lightsaber a noisy counterpoint as it rolled out of reach. The rogue Force-user let out a sharp hiss as she brought up one bloodied hand. Then, eyes narrowing, the venom in her voice was clear. "Jedi!"

Zam leapt up, almost flying toward her Master's enemy. Anjah reversed, wheeling away swiftly, startled at the fury and speed of her opponent. But the dark one would not be denied, her hand grabbing one swirling piece of Anjah's billowing cloak, pulling it sharply. The sound of tearing cloth shredded the air but the fierce effort was enough. The Jedi was sent flying backwards in a sweep of brown.

Struggling to regain her balance, trying desperately to get up but entangled in her robe, Sle'fey was trapped for a brief moment. Zam leaped into the Knight, their bodies colliding as both grappled for leverage. The dark apprentice thrust her hands towards the vulnerable throat but the Jedi pushed her up and back. The momentum and deft use of the Force proved a powerful combination as Teoth was tossed over the Jedi's body and landed hard a meter away. This gave Anjah enough time to drop the ensnaring cloak and move into defensive stance.

Speaking softly, she whispered, "Turn back to the light, Zam. It is the only way."

'Never!" spat the dark one as she hurdled toward Anjah. Experience proved a cunning defense as the Jedi blurred into motion, deftly sidestepping the attack. Whipping around, Teoth would not be denied and feinted left, then moved in, kicking at the Jedi's legs, hoping to bring her down. The faint sound of boot meeting flesh was followed by the crackle of gravel grinding beneath the two as they tumbled to the ground.

The battle intensified with kicks and punches as both struggled to stand. The Knight finally danced away and then leaped over Teoth as the darksider tried to pummel her. The aerial retreat failed as Zam feigned with her own fast jump, fist connecting with Sle'fey's stomach, doubling her over as she fell groundsward once more. Soon, the pair were both bloodied. The onslaught of bruising attacks were beginning to take their toll.

Anjah was starting to worry. Her opponent was indeed well-trained as only a dark Jedi could be. She needed to finish her and soon.

Zam pushed forward defiantly, hoping to sweep in with a flying kick and end the conflict. But Anjah moved impossibly fast, her upper torso twisting as she shifted abruptly, intent on capturing Zam's outstretched leg and bringing her down. The darksider saw her mistake immediately and tried to compensate by flinging her body away from Sle'fey, hoping to regain control, but the pebbles beneath her feet shifted abruptly under the strain, throwing her off-balance. She fell awkwardly, a mere breath away from Sle'fey's grasp. In a blur of motion, Anjah was on the dark one, flinging her face down onto the gravel path. Zam's body plowed into the stones, one hand locked behind her back, the other outflung but tightly bound by the Jedi's own. Anjah pressed her body into Teoth's, forcing her to remain still. Zam tried desperately to break free but could not; She was caught tight.

Sle'fey leaned forward, speaking

 

Very good Diane... and I shall now be racking by brains to work out who's who.

Evil person!

What do you mean you're no good at fight scenes? This was very good indeed!

I need to get some practice in, because frankly one of the fights I have planned for my upcoming fic (coming soon!) should be freakin' spectacular - but only if I get it right.

Nem

 

Thanks Nemesis. It didn't take that long to write (although I approached it with severe trepidation) but then changing it around so that you couldn't figure out who was who turned out to be more difficult. I tend to like fight scenes with dialog interspersed so as to break up the (what I consider) monotony. But here I had to take it all out so as not to give you any clues!

Does anyone else have suggestions about how I should change or improve it?

 

It's quite good, but my question (which is probably answered in the bigger story) is: when Anjah realizes she is in trouble, why doesn't she use her lightsaber? I would think she'd be able to disable her opponent rather than kill her. And why doesn't Zem use her Force thing to pull her lightsaber to her, rather than just let it lie there? Unless it fell down a crevasse or something...?

I like, though, the idea that the Jedi do hand-to-hand combat and don't rely solely on the Force.

Really well done, and it was easy to visualize the fight!

 

Great, Mistress_Renata - This is what I needed. Yes, the question is answered in the larger story (plus there was dialog that I took out because of Jane's request). Anjah only wants to keep Zam at bay and thinks that bringing up a lightsaber would only escalate the conflict.

As for Zam not bringing the lightsaber to her, I didn't think of that! I'll have to put something in as to why. I really wanted to use the Force and gravel in a kind of Force tornado effect. I always thought that would be kind of neat and a hard thing to counter, even with the Force!

Thanks for the advice!!

 

I was directed here for some help on my writing. What I am looking for is how to make the Fan Fic shorter, but not to take out any of the important parts. Also, I want to make sure the reader gets a good detailed vision of the sceen (sp?) before them.

The following is part of a Fan Fic I wish to post soon.

***********

Jason Bravo snapped of a quick shot at the onrushing soldier, the red blaster bolt impacting the enemy soldier?s chest armor, producing sparks from the armor as the soldier went down. Bravo snapped around on his right knee to his left, snapped off another quick shot at another enemy soldier who rushing on, this blaster bolt impacting the soldier?s face, sending blood and flesh everywhere. Bravo rose from his kneeling position and darted to a knee by tree to his left, finding cover just as five blaster bolts converged on the tree, sending tree bark everywhere.

Bravo waited a second, a second series of five blaster bolts impacting the tree, then he kept low and darted to another nearby tree, blaster bolts following him in his wake. Bravo kneeling down behind the thick tree, a friendly soldier to his left, firing off into the forest, two blaster bolts from two different blaster rifles answering him back. The soldier snapped back around the tree for cover when he was empty.

?How is your ammunition and squad?? Bravo asked, snapping around his corner of the tree to return a few blaster shots, one of his ten shots impacting an enemy soldier who was advancing slowly, quietly, on their position.

?Low, sir. And my squad...? The soldier paused for a second, it being hard to say the next words, ?I am all that is left, Sergeant Major.?

Bravo was silent for a moment as he looked at the soldier, then said, ?I?m sorry. You holding out okay??

?I got two enemy soldier to my left here, I think that is it, then we have your little band of enemy soldiers coming around to flank us. I don?t think it looks good, Sergeant Major.?

A blaster bolt blasted Bravo?s corner of the tree and he just kneeled, not reacting to the near fatal shot. Bravo looked around for a second. All around he saw the limp bodies of the Rebel soldiers in their forest camouflaged combat gear. They all had camouflaged blast vests, equipment vests, helmets with a comlink and goggles, equipment belts, combat clothing under the blast vests and equipment vests, and black combat boots. Some lay scattered around, while others were in clumps. Still, only a few were alive.

 

HI Bravo and welcome.

I liked the action in your post - lots of movement and I could clearly see what was going on.

To shorten your fic, first thing I would do is take out the They all had camouflaged blast vests, equipment vests, helmets with a comlink and goggles, equipment belts, combat clothing under the blast vests and equipment vests, and black combat boots. You don't need it.

Secondly, try to use more variety in your language. That way you can shorten your writing but still get the message across. For example, blaster bolt could just be bolt, shot, barrage, round, burst, volley, energy slug. Same with enemy (foe, opponent, adversary), soldier(stormtrooper, trooper) and tree. Enemy and soldier do not need to be together either - so you can get rid of one or the other quite a few times.

The trees you keep mentioning doesn't really describe the forest and its surroundings. You might want to have bushes, shrubs, greenery, branches, etc. Sometimes more description will help with visualization. It is a fine line. Some people (me included) love description; others do well with little.


For specifics, here are a few suggestions:

Jason Bravo snapped off a quick shot at the onrushing soldier. The red blaster bolt seared the enemy?s chest armor, sending sparks everywhere as his foe went down.

Bravo waited a moment as a second rapid volley of five bolts hit the tree, then he kept low and darted to another nearby tree, blaster fire following in his wake. Bravo knelt down behind the thick trunk. On his left, a friendly soldier was firing off into the forest, bolts from two different rifles answering him back.


Hope this helps. Anyone else?

 

*Passes out because someone listened to her*

 

Dianethx already said most of what I would say; particularly that if you've already mentioned that they're in "camouflage combat gear" then you don't need to give a detailed shopping list. I'd add (simply on the principle of engaging all 5 senses) the whiff of burning wood when the tree bark is hit with the blasters.

Now...in the beginning, when he pivots on his knee when firing off those shots: have you actually tried that manuever? It's very tricky to do quickly from the way you've described it. (I have to do something similar in my martial arts class, which is why this stuck out). In any action scene, if you can possibly walk through any of the movements you describe, you should do it.

It's an intriguing start though, and a good action scene. Keep it up!

 

*Takes deep breath before beginning*
This is part of my first SW fic, and I'm not sure if it's flowing right. It's been awhile since I've actually written a story of any type, so I'm trying to shake the rust off.

---------------------------------------------

The cold water she splashed upon her face did nothing to disapate her shock. Weary eyes searched the reflection before her for any signs of herself. Staring back at her was a deathly pale face, punctuated by haunted, red rimmed eyes. No hint of her former radiance shone through.

She couldn't believe the face belonged to her. Lately, there were many things that she hadn't wanted to admit, couldn't convince herself that they were true. Even though she knew it, she refused to believe.

//You can lie until your brain believes it, But your heart still knows the truth.//

Tearing her eyes from the painful reflection, she left the 'fresher and lay on her downy bed, totally numb. She felt as though someone had flipped a switch, cutting off contact with her emotional center.

//Abstract emotions I cannot feel//

An attempt at comfort found her fluffing the plentitude of soft, silky pillows. Proping herself up upon them, she regretfully wondered if all this could have been avoided had she not given in to her feelings. If she'd never confessed her love.

//Connection of souls lead to the hearts breaking//

Anakin had seemed to understand when she pointed out the complications that would arise if they gave in to their feelings. Both made the attempt to bury them. At that time, she thought it was for the best, and that the feelings would eventually fade.

//Rumbling ecstacy with a thought//

Geonosis changed all that. She'd almost looked forward to death that day, even as she'd fought against it. Quick death of that nature was preferable to the slow, torturous demise she faced without him. She'd had no choice but to confess as they were being lead out to the execution.

With an agonizing moan, she shifted on the bed, trying again to be comfortable, if it was only her body that felt it. She was no longer comfortable inside her own head. Memories were painful.

//Knowingly wrong about myself//

Even as she gave in and confessed her love, and knew it was returned when they shared that brief kiss, she knew it wouldn't be easy. But she had convinced herself that everything would work out.

//Dead pool awaits tiny misstep//

How wrong she had been.

//Comfortable black hell, abyss//

Because of her love, her life was now a living hell. She was responsible for unleashing a monster on the galaxy. The guilt ate away at what was left of her heart.

//Nothing in life matters now//

Utter despair overtook her numbness. She collasped against the pillows, crying until an emotionless heap was all that remained of the once strong, proud woman.

Padme Naberrie Skywalker just wanted to die.

---------------------------------------------

--later--

 

Oh, a sad scene for Padme! But I'd leave out the poetic quotes; they don't really relate well to what's going on and they're a distraction from the real story, which is her sorrow and guilt over Anakin's turn to the Dark Side. It might be stronger to quote lines from the films that they said to each other, her flashback of their earlier romance tying in to her thoughts now.

What worked well was how you described her tossing and turning, trying to get comfortable, a subtle reference to her pregnancy. That was very nice!

I'd have to question, too: She collasped against the pillows, crying until an emotionless heap was all that remained of the once strong, proud woman. Given the tone of the piece and her misery, "emotionless" really isn't true.

It's a powerful scene, DarthLeia, and will leave your readers wondering if she'll find the courage to pick herself up and fight for her children (of course we know she will! )

 

Ok, I guess I can see where there's some confusion. Would it help if I posted the entire poem? The story is based around the poem, which is one I wrote about 6 years ago. I've never really been able to explain the poem, and decided to use the story to do that.

Basically, it shows her despair, and the next part will continue to show the love and events that lead to where she is. And that leads to the realizations at the end.

Overall, it's a story of how love and hate are at war within her, and how she just wants to "wake up from a bad dream". I know many paople who shut down when things get unberable in their minds, and the shock that Padme just went through has put her in such a position. This may be one where you have to read the whole piece before you can fully understand what I'm gettin at.

Thanks for the comments, they do mean a lot to me!

--later--

 

Has this thread been forgotten? I'm not worried about my post above anymore, but I found this at the bottom of page four, and thought it was a shame. So I'll throw it an up, and see if that helps. I just don't want to feel responsible for killing this thread!
--later--

 

You mention a poem. And story.

Personlly, I would go this way:

1. Present the poem in the Prologue of the story.

2. Present the story.

3. In an Epilogie or Appendix explain the poem.

That's how I would do it, but it's your story, of course.

 

I pretty much have the story figured out, and I think it works pretty well. I did take out the actual quotes, although they're paraphrased throughout the beginning, when she's unconsciously writing the poem, then it appears later in the story. Thanks for the advice though- I do appreciate it alot!
--later--

 

You'll have to excuse the poor writing, it's the middle of the night, and if I don't do this now, I know I'll be too lazy to ever do it again. It's pretty short, a POV from one of Yoda's younglings in AOTC.

__________________________________

Master Obi-Wan is really nice. He's really tall, too. If there were three of me and we all stood on top of each other, Master Obi-Wan would still be taller.

We're practicing with our lightsabers, and I'm not very good. I keep getting zapped. Master Yoda says I have to con--contrate--con-cen-trate, and feel the Force, and then I'll do better. He always says there is no try, but he's not getting zapped all the time.

Master Obi-Wan lost a planet! I didn't know Masters lost planets.

It's so pretty. There are so many stars around me. Liam keeps trying to grab one, but they're not real.

I know what gravity is! We just learned about it. I don't understand a lot of the other things we talked about this week, but I know about gravity.

Okay, I think my mind is clear. Planets just don't disappear, do they? Maybe if they blow up. But there's gravity, and stars, and a hole in the map. No, not a hole. More like when I have to type class work, and I don't like what I've said, so I take out one part, but everything else is fine, so I leave it alone....

I know the answer!!

"Master? Because someone erased it from the Archive memory."

Master Yoda thinks I'm right. Master Obi-Wan doesn't look sure. I can't tell. His face is too high up.

Oh, he's leaving. He's not going to watch us. Maybe becayse we're not good fighters like his Padawan. I saw him once, Anakin Skywalker. He's funny. But he gets in trouble a lot. I wonder what Master Obi-Wan says to him. He's so nice, I don't think he says much. And he's a good teacher. I know because he sat with the Bear Clan once for meditation. And I heard one Master say that he would have been good with the initiates, but he has to chase after the Chosen One all the time. What's a Chosen One?

I hope I get a Master like Master Obi-Wan. But I have to wait a long, long time until I'm 12, and maybe there won't be any Masters then.

That's silly. Of course there will be Masters. There are always Masters.