The Laboratory

I've looked over this thread a few times, but never posted to it. Then Jane Jinn suggested a "time-warp" challenge, almost perfectly describing the fic I'm working on right now. Coincidence sense... tingling![face_Spider-Man]

The fic is called "Timeline." It's about Vizhkein Jeremsi, a Jedi master in the Clone Wars and Gene and Tialle Stryfe, a husband-and-wife pair of smuggler/privateers.

This is the first post, which spans twenty-seven years of proto-carbonite slumber.

******

Sight came slowly to Vizhkein Jeremsi. He opened his eyes to see a crowd of humanoids, many in uniform, hanging upside-down in the middle of a city on his homeworld, Llarbaz.

?Behold your guardian Jedi!? a voice shouted. ?Helpless, humbled!?

Vizhkein was a Jedi master. He was also a Werriss. He appeared human in every aspect but his eyes. His eyes were pools of wise piercing amber surrounding circles of white. Vizhkein had been sent to Llarbaz with his apprentice and best friend Kelesis Iul to negotiate a peace between two warring factions. His last memory was an ambush. Now, the uniformed beings who had attacked him were glaring at him and listening to a speech. Blood started to settle in Vizhkein?s head.

?The Jedi come disguised as agents of order but all they bring is chaos. Tell me, when did the enemy begin to strike at civilians? Once they came!? the voice yelled.

What in the Force is he talking about? Vizhkein wondered.

?The Jedi are here to destroy us from within! Even death will not end these demon spawn! They join with the evils of the Force and torment us from the grave!? the voice continued. It belonged to Isdio Mekby, leader of a group dedicated to the fall of the Jedi Order.

Vizhkein felt himself dropping. He looked down to see a pool of steely gray liquid.

?Demon spawn! Really, such harsh words, Jetcharge!? another voice pierced the roar of the crowd. Vizhkein managed to get a glance of two lightsabers igniting. Kelesis. Vizhkein?s apprentice whirled his yellow and blue blades around. He caught one of ?Jetcharge? Mekby?s thugs with the blue one behind his back. Kelesis pulled another forward with telekinesis into his yellow weapon. He pulled the lightsabers free and deflected incoming lasers. Kelesis looked up to his master with confidence. ?One moment, master! I?m coming to-??

Kelesis felt the burning sensation of a laser making its mark. He fell to one knee and cut the legs out from under two more henchmen. The foul stench of burnt flesh filled Kelesis' nostrils. Mekby began to flee but Kelesis threw the blue saber into his back. Mekby dropped to the stage where Vizhkein was steadily being lowered toward a strange substance. Kelesis called both weapons back to him and plunged the blades into the belly of a machete-wielding Rodian. He felt another shot hit him, this time grazing his back. Kelesis cried out in pain. The Rodian fell, slain, taking Kelesis? two sabers with him. Vizhkein?s best friend fell under the ensuing barrage. Smoke rose lazily from his dead body.

Vizhkein was screaming in grievous rage as the silver liquid took him.

******

Stormtrooper 1138 was skeptical. ?This is ridiculous. Is he even still alive??

?Doesn?t matter. The point is, we get the sample to Bespin and we?ll still be alive. Now help me pick him up,? the other trooper in the chamber, 7495, replied.

Across from the stormtroopers, there was a tall gray rectangular block. A man?s face and hands, also in the same drab color, broke up the shape. The two stormtroopers attempted to pick the block up. It fell to the floor.

?Careful!? the trooper waiting in the doorway admonished them.

?Yeah, yeah?? 1138 muttered as they picked it up again. Something flashed underneath the dust. 1138 stepped back in bafflement. ?What the-???

The block began to heat up. Warmth spread throughout the artifact until finally the hands moved.

?It moved,? 1138 informed the others.

?We noticed, moron,? 7495 said sarcastically.

Soon the block melted aw

 

I liked the thought of a long-term carbonite frozen Jedi Master, especially this timeframe. The fact that the stormtroopers left was rather humorous and that they kept arguing was amusing. Loved the 1138.
There were a few things that I was confused about. In the first section, I assume the Padawan died but you used best friend. It would have been clearer to use Padawan or something else to indicate who that really was in that section. And are you sure that Vizhkein's enemy would have allowed him to keep his lightsaber even in carbonite freeze? You might explain that more clearly in the first section.
Other than those things, it looks pretty good. Looking forward to seeing it at length.

 

CLEAR!

(attempts to give revitalizing shock to thread)

 

Thread, I give you LIFE!

(gives another shock)

 

A little girl screamed around the corner. You stupid man! Leave them alone!

The teen who had been minding his own business switched gears and ran towards the sound. Maybe I can help, he thought. He skidded around the corner and watched in horror at the altercation before him.

A group of four small children, the oldest no more than eight, stood huddled around the doorway of a building. The girl had tear streaks on her cheeks as she watched a man talking with her parents. Leave them alone! she shouted. They didn't do anything wrong! She flew at the man, who promptly drew his blaster and shot her.

The teen's eyes grew wide. The mother fell to her knees and pulled the girl onto her knees. She stayed there, bent over, weeping.

None of the rest of you move, the shooter said, voice calm and controlled. I'm here to do a job, and I'm here to do it right. So don't give me any more problems, all right?

He carefully checked over his blaster, wiping it with a clean cloth that he took from a bag around his waist. He slid it back into its holster and repeated the procedure with the other weapon. This one he didn't slide back into its holster. Instead, he waved it at the father, then the mother, then at the three remaining children. Who's first? he asked. It can be simple or hard. It's your choice.

Yeah, easy for you to say, the teen thought. His mind had blanked, and he couldn't think of something that could divert the murderer from his plans. The teen watched as he shot the mother, then the father. His stomach churned, and he wished that he could do something, but he didn't know what.

Then the bounty hunter turned to the three children. The teen gulped. Now, I have to do something, he thought. I can't let anyone else die. Too many people die out here. But what will it cost me?

He never stopped to answer his question.

He drew his own blaster, took a deep breath, and walked out of the alley he'd been standing in. Stop! he called.

The bounty hunter whirled around. Huh? What you'd say? You tellin' me what to do, kid? Don't interfere with me. I've got a job to do.

The teen fired a shot, purposely missing the hunter. I'm warning you. Leave the children alone. They haven't done anything wrong.

Oh. Like I'm scared. He turned and shot another one, who fell across the threshold of the building. Two were left now, tears making rivers down their faces. A little girl and a little boy, five and four, from the looks of it.

Hey, look! A Stormtrooper! the teen shouted, pointing up the street. The hunter turned to look and the teen motioned to the children to run. With scared looks on their faces, they ran the opposite way and disappeared out of the teen's life. He had seen too much violence and death in his fourteen years to let it go on right in front of his eyes.

The bounty hunter turned, only to find the children gone, and the teen ready to leave. Hold on! he shouted. You don't interfere with a hunt and get away with it! You're gonna pay.

When he heard that, the teen took off down the streets, heading to the docking bay where his X-Wing was ready to fly, with the bounty hunter hot on his trail.

-------------------------------------------
How'd I do? It's one of my first tries.
No normal cute and adorable girl would fly at a man who was threatening her parents.

 

I posted a response to Jane Jinn's time-warp challenge. Crossings. The Star Wars Bermuda Triangle... such fun.

 

I am used to writing for characters who are very Han-like; brash, sharp-witted, and prone to let others know their opinion.

However, there is a quiet, reserved character in a fic I am writing. This section is already posted, but I would like some input on his characterization.

(The character of interest is Kamrio Althm)

*********************************************

The speeder stopped a few kilometers away from the bar, in a deserted alleyway deep in the heart of the city-planet. After turning off the engine, the driver turned around to look at Liz. His sweat-moistened hair fell into his crystal blue eyes. His cold, piercing blue eyes.

Yelizaveta?s attention was directed elsewhere, however. She had the piece of her shirt pressed firmly too the pulsing wound. Here teeth were clenched in pain, and faint tearstains streaked her grimy face.

The driver, a man by the name of Kamrio Althm, grimaced and climbed over the seat to assist his unexpected passenger. ?Here, let me help you with that?.? He pulled a medpac from a side compartment and extracted a bottle of antiseptic. After he moved her hand and the tattered cloth aside, he poured some of the acrid liquid onto a clean rag. ?This may sting a little.?

Liz bit back a yelp as he cleaned the wound. ?Sting??! Let?s try ?burns like the fires of Hell?! She mentally cursed the inventor of the antiseptic as she squirmed in discomfort.

Kamrio replaced the bottle and pulled out a fresh bandage. He got a good grip on her pants and ripped them off above the injury. Throwing the mass of cloth to the side, he slipped one end of the bandage under the injured thigh and began dressing the wound.

While he worked, Yelizaveta studied him. He wasn?t a tall man; he couldn?t be over 5?10?. Extremely well built, his muscles rippled underneath his tight black shirt. He seemed rather reserved, but she wasn?t about to hold that against him.

When finished, Kamrio sat back and examined his work. ?That ought to hold for a while. You might want to rewrap it soon, though.?

After a cursory glance at the dressing, Liz looked up at him and smiled. ?Thanks. And sorry for jumpin? in your speeder like that.?

?Not a problem.? He wiped his hands and looked back up at her. She has a pretty smile. ?Why is the Sec after you??

Her smile disappeared and she scowled, ?Impounded m?ship. I got pissed and killed a couple o?Secs. So they?ve got me down as a cop killer.?

Kam nodded understandingly. ?They impounded my Nightwing a few weeks ago. I miss her.? He sounded forlorn; it was the only bit of emotion that she had managed to get out of him so far.

Yelizaveta slipped a loose clump of hair behind her ear. ?They?ve been cracking down on all smuggling activities onto and off of the planet. They don?t want anyone cutting in on their action.? Her voice was full of contempt. She held no love whatsoever for the Sec.

Then her manner changed completely. ?My name is Yelizaveta Taricks. You can call me Liz.? She extended her hand towards her rescuer.

After a barely noticeable hesitation, Kamrio took the proffered hand. ?Kamrio Althm; Kam for short.?

?It?s a pleasure to meet you, Kam.? Liz?s smile was warm and full of genuine friendship.

She does have a pretty smile.

*********************************************

 

Corellian_chic242 what sort of feedback are you looking for? I find him interesting and would/will* keep reading about him. So if you were concerned that his being reserved was keeping you from getting enough across about him to create interest I think you needn't worry.

* Although I think I'll be lost since I don't know anything about the Beyond the Saga time period after Leia's child Anakin is a toddler.

Ty-Gon Way to raise the bar, dude... Interesting story, although I was certainly lost as to when we were where and when or something most of the time. Would that be related to * above? Or am I just clueless?

KD

 

Sorry I didn't get back sooner on these....

Laine_Snowtrekker - The bounty hunter was certainly callous and horrible to be shooting children just because he got paid. You might want to add more description about how the teenager thought about the people getting killed right in front of his eyes - was he numb, angry, furious, livid...etc. And descriptions of sound, taste, touch, sight and/or smell would make the scene more vivid. I thought the dialog was fine.

It was a good first try. I hope that you will expand this into a fic.

corellian_chic242 - You fleshed out Kam pretty well with just enough detail that I could picture him. You could add a little more, but not much or it would overwhelm the scene. I would have liked a little more emotion from him - from what I can tell, he just had a pretty girl jump into his speeder and she's wounded. He might have been nervous, angry, annoyed, frightened...or all of those things. Even if he were hiding emotion, you could indicate that with words like stoic, blank, mask....

Looks good. Keep it up!

 

Yeah, KD, actually, it was kind of meant to be confusing.

It was inspired by the idea of the Bermuda Triangle... there was an episode of "The X-Files" in which Mulder and Scully boarded - seperately - a ship that was lost in the Bermuda Triangle during World War II, and ended up separated in time - Mulder was with Nazis, Scully was by herself. One of the things that perplexed me was "How do we know that the ship is in the 40's? Or the 90's? Maybe they're in some third time?" I got to thinking, though, about the thing that would make it infinitely weirder: More than a dozen ships have reportedly disappeared in the Triangle. What would have happened if they had found more than one? How would the conflicting times come together?

And then I had the problem of having to impose a two-dimensional triangle on three-dimensional space, so the mechanics kept me going off on tangents.

Let's see if I can break it down to a point where times seem managable...

Tsilas Patmose, at that point in his life, had, within a few years, escaped the first wave of the Purges to hit the Temple. He escaped to the planet Kecyrk, and lived with Hailin Anglotov. Since we don't have an official source for when the Purges start, I can't be exactly sure how far between AOTC and ANH this is (closer to AOTC, in any case).

Dasman Koltarrie comes from a time "Beyond the Saga," as it were. He makes a reference to an event in a fic written by Rokangus (the "Kelpalian Invasion") which is post-NJO.

The Assassin's Sabre itself comes from, roughly, forty years prior to TPM.

Master Rostov died during the Battle of Geonosis, but disappeared, becoming one with the Force. He appeared to Tsilas during the Purges, helping him escape the Temple. As such, he is the only one who's appearing in the time that it really is: Roughly, the Battle of Hoth. That means not only is Tsilas transported to the future, he's seeing news from even farther in the future.

Trust me, it was just as confusing to write as to read. Actually, I'm kind of glad it came off that way.

 

dianethx- That's the thing: Kam doesn't show his emotions, and almost doesn't have them at this point. That is what I was worried about, but everyone's input has helped a lot.

 

In response to people who want more "workshops" and places to discuss the craft of writing, I'm reviving this thread for people to use as a resource. Remember, if you want to try something different without committing to more than a few paragraphs (rather than a whole story or a vignette), here is the place to post it.

Everyone, please feel free to give constructive feedback.

 

I am upping this thread, though I haven't read much of it. But it looks like a good idea, and I'll be reading it thoroughly a.s.a.p. (And hopefully getting some new ideas!)

 

This thread is a great idea. Pity I didn't see it before.

EDIT: Here was a text, but I take it for revision. Should be much better that way.