The Lord of the Script Trilogy (humor thread)

Good evening everyone,
A few months ago, I posted a short bit from a parody about the continuous Basher/Gusher wars here at the JCC. Oakessteve asked me to post the entire story in the TPM Forum. I begged him not to make me do it, but he threatened to use his mod powers to edit my sig to say "AOTC: Best-Title-Ever!", so finally I yielded and agreed.

Anyway, I held off posting it until today, since it was the official DVD release date of FOTR, I thought it was appropriate.

Well, enjoy! Remember, this is all in good fun. I'm not trying to say basher's are good and gushers are evil. We all know gushers are inhertiately kinder, wiser, and just generally better people than bashers.

*takes bribe money from DarthHomer*

 

SCENE 1:
BLACKNESS.
Narrators voice only at first.

Narrator (the voice of Jedi-Mind-Trick): Star Wars is changing, I feel it in the theaters, I see it on the Internet - for none now live who remember?

Lord of the Scripts

FADES IN
George Lucas at a typewriter, working on the drafts for the classic series.

Narrator: It began with the writing of the original film. Four drafts were written for Star Wars - first and greatest of the classics. Two sequels were given to the Reagan Era, young Republicans and nerds of the early 80s. And three special editions were gifted to the Generation-Xers, who above all else, desire updated special effects. Each of these scripts gave the audience a truly great and timeless story.

Narrator: But they were all of them deceived, for deep in the land of Australia, George Lucas crafted a master film, first among the prequels, and in it he poured his new vision, his goofiness, and will to dominate all movies with CGI.

Narrator: One prequel to rule them all?

Narrator: One by one the true fans of Star Wars fell, giving in to his new vision. But there were a few who resisted. A last alliance of bashers and disgruntled former LFL employees gathered together at the gates of Skywalker Ranch, and there they fought for the fate of Star Wars.


SKYWALKER RANCH
Angry fans march up and down in front of Skywalker Ranch carrying signs that say "No more Jar-Jar!!" and "Darth Maul didn't have enough lines!" and throwing rotten tomatoes at the gates.

Narrator: Victory seemed near--

The bashers start cheering as the security guards flee the onslaught of tomatoes.

Narrator: --but the power of the prequels could not be undone.

George Lucas steps out from the gates of the ranch, clutching an overstuffed envelope. The bashers become quiet and stare on in awe. GL reaches into the envelope and starts handing out passes to see Attack of the Clones. The bashers give up their protest, taking their free passes and leave.

Narrator: It was in that moment, when all hope was lost, that Gary Kurtz stepped out of the crowd and gave an interview about his role on ANH and ESB.

Kurtz: "Yes, it is true, it was I that made ANH and ESB great, not George. I told him not to include the Ewoks in the series, but when he persisted, I resigned. Without me, his movies are sub-par."


GEORGE LUCAS'S OFFICE AT LFL
Scene cuts to GL reading the interview. He starts to cry, and in an angry fit, he puts his first draft of Episode III in an envelope and mails it to Kurtz.

GL: "If he thinks he can do better, let's see him try!"

Narrator: George Lucas, the enemy of the old-school fans of the classic trilogy, was defeated.


THE OFFICES OF FOX STUDIOS
Kurtz sits in front of the president of Fox studio, pitching his idea for Episode III to 20th Century Fox.

Narrator: And so it was that the rights to Star Wars passed to Gary Kurtz, who had this one chance to finish the prequels and redeem Star Wars forever. But the hearts of men are easily corrupted, and the script for Episode 3 had a will of its own. It betrayed Kurtz and ruined his career, --

President of Fox: "Let me get this straight, you want us to budget 2 billion for this movie so you can shoot it in space just to get a realistic 'feel'???"


KURTZ'S OFFICE AT FOX STUDIOS
Kurtz is kicked out of his office and a janitor tosses the Script.

Narrator: -- and some things that should not have been forgotten, were thrown away. For two and a half thousand minutes, the script for Episode 3 sat at the bottom of a waste basket until by chance, it ensnared a new owner.

A hand reaches into the wastebasket and pulls it out.

Metsuke: "Oooooh -- spoilers!!"


METSUKE'S HOUSE
Metsuke pulls up in a car to his house, a lone building sitting close to the "Hollywood" sign. He gets out of his car clutching the Script and disappears inside.

Narrator: "The Script passed to the gusher Metsuke

 

60 Days later, In England
"Fellowship of the Bashers"

Quixotic-Sith catches a flight to London to see his old friend Ceejay. Ceejay is throwing some sort of a party and has invited all his friends. Upon his arrival Quix is greeted by Oakessteve, who wants him to review his latest drafts of the Gungan Christmas Special, and a re-write of the both Ewok movies.

Quix: (thumbs through his re-writes) "Curious topics for a closet-basher. Most unnatural."

Quix leaves Oakessteve and goes to see Ceejay at his comic book store. The two chat and eventually get into a conversation about ethics and morality in TPM. That scene takes about 12 hours, as each one gets into a longer and longer rebuttal of each point made.

After that conversation is concluded, Ceejay begins to pace up and down the floor of the comic shop, clutching something close to him, something that at first, Quix thinks is just a comic book from off one of the shelves, but as he eyes it more carefully, he catches the words "Episode III: A BIG EXPLOSION" on the front cover.

Ceejay (sounding tired): "I'm getting soft, Quix. I know, I know -- to read my posts on theforce.net, you wouldn't think so, but I'm starting to feel soft. I'm starting to think that maybe Jar-Jar Binks was a brilliant move, and maybe midichlorians do make sense."

Ceejay continues to clutch the Script of Power closely to him. Quix becomes more concerned by this and by Ceejay's change in behavior.

Ceejay: "I need a holiday, a very long holiday. I think I will go hang out with the bashers, and I may never come back. In fact, I mean not too."

Later that evening, Quix and Ceejay go to Ceejay's farewell party at the U.K. Fanforce. Oakessteve and Slavegirl are there dancing and getting hammered.
After having a few too many drinks, two rather mischievous bashers sneak over to where Quix has left his laptop. They wait for Quix to become distracted, then steal his password and log on to his computer. They find a 200-page essay on the effect Jar-Jar Binks has had on the 21st century, and post it on the TPM forum. Everyone who reads it is amazed by the length and thought that went into it. These two troublesome bashers feel rather proud of themselves until Quix comes sneaking up behind them, grabbing them by their ears.

Quix: "Rabid Balding Ewok, and Nrf-Hrdr. I might have known."

To punish them for hacking into his computer, he makes them read his masters thesis while the party goes on without them.

As the party continues, Ceejay regales a group of newbies with tales about the old days of TF.N.

Ceejay: "So there I was, at the mercy of three treacherous moderators, and they were all arguing amongst themselves as to how to ban us; whether they should slap us with a permanent IP ban, or whether they should sift through our user accounts and delete all our posts, one by one. Well, they spent some much time arguing about it, and using such foul and insulting language, that before they knew it, Vertical showed up and *POOF* demoted them all to VIPs!"

At the end of the party, Ceejay says a farewell speech. He then goes home, logs onto theforce.net, and types his farewell speech there, but this time adding many inflammatory comments towards everyone who's ever pissed him off. He is promptly banned. This doesn't bother him; in fact he finds it amusing. Shutting down his computer, he turns to find Quix standing behind him.

Quix: "I suppose you think that was terribly funny?"

Ceejay: "Ah, it was just a bit of fun."

Quix: "There are many Star Wars message boards, Ceejay, and you should not take getting yourself banned from them lightly."

Ceejay: "Oh, your probably right. Well, I'd better get going. You will keep an eye on Oakessteve, won't you?"

Quix: "Yes, he's been added to my watched users list."

Ceejay: "I'm leaving the comic book store to him."

Quix: "And what about that mysterious Script you found, is that staying too?"

Ceejay: "Yes

 

Ok, I have more, but must post it later, as I have to sign off for now.

Oh, and special thanks to Daughter of the Force for helping me proof it. However, since she proofed it, I made further changes, and I didn't have time to proof it again (and we all know how crappy MS Word spellchecker is). Oakessteve or CB, if you read through this and spot some mistakes, you can correct them with my blessings.

 

ROTFL!!!

I didn't get all of the inside jokes, as I haven't been here long enough, but the weaving of it into LotR is brilliant. I can't wait to see the rest!

 

Scene cuts to Quixotic-Sith, riding through the streets on a motorcycle as he pulls up to a skyscraper. At the top of the skyscraper is a penthouse owned by Lawrence Kasdan.

Lawrence Kasdan (Voice-over): ?Smoke rises from the fire places of Skywalker ranch, the hour grows late, and Quixotic-Sith rides to San Francisco, seeking my council.?

Lawrence Kasdan: (as he walks down the steps to greet Quix) ?For that is why you have come, is it not, my old friend??

Quixotic-Sith: (bowing) ?Kasdan.?

The two walk together on the balcony of his penthouse.

Kasdan: ?So the Episode 3 script has been found.?

Quix: ?All these long months, it was under my very nose.?

Kasdan: ?And yet you did not have the wit to see it. Your love of Oakessteve?s TPM re-write has made your senses weak.?

Quix: (wincing at the rebuke) ?But we still have time, time to film Oakessteve?s script and re-write Episode III ourselves.?

Kasdan: ?Time? What time do you think we have??

Scene cuts to them sitting in Kasdan's office.

Kasdan: ?George Lucas is more powerful than you think. His production team has multiplied and the set of Mos Espa has been rebuilt. He cannot yet start production, but his desire to add Jake Lloyd and Jar-Jar Binks clones to the classics and to the newest prequel has not changed. Safe in his ranch, the lord of Star Wars sees all. His gaze pierces spy-reports, message boards, file sharing programs, and sci-fi conventions. You know of what I speak, Quix. A great eye, lidless, reathed in flattering reviews!?

Quix: ?The eye of Darthseti5.?

Kasdan: ?He is summoning all gushers to him. Soon, his followers will be so blindingly loyal as to enjoy even the Christmas Special.?

Quix: ?You know this? How??

Kasdan: (looking over to his laptop with a smile on his face) ?I have read it.?

Kasdan and Quix walk over to where his laptop sits. It is currently logged onto www.supershadow.com.

Quix: ?The Internet is a dangerous tool, Kasdan.?

Kasdan: ?Why? Why should we fear to use it??

Quix: ?They're not all accounted for, the false spy reports. You don't know who may be making things up!?

Quix closes the laptop. Kasdan sits down in a recliner.

Kasdan: ?The hour is later than you think. The lawyers have already left Skywalker Ranch disguised as TFN moderators.

Quix: "The lawyers!"

Kasdan: "They logged into the JC just last night.?

Quix: ?They've read the U.K. Fanforce!?

Kasdan: ?They?ll find the Script, and sue the one who carries it.?

Quix: ?Oakessteve!?

Quix makes for the exit, but security guards block his path.

Kasdan: ?You did not seriously think a closet-basher could contend with the will of Lucas? There are none who can. Against the lord of Star Wars, there can be no victory. We must join with him, Quix, we must help Lucas produce another prequel. It would be wise, my friend?

Quix: ?Tell me, 'friend', when did Kasdan the co-script writer of ESB turn to from good taste to bad!?

The two eye each other intently for a moment, then Kasdan jumps up and the two get into a fight. Kasdan's security guards break up the fight, handcuff Quix and haul him out of the room.

In the scene that follows, Oakessteve and Slavegirl reach NYC. They wander the streets in search of the nearest sci-fi con. While wondering around, they run into Rabid Balding Ewok and Nrf-Hrdr, who were in town to buy some of the world's finest Muppet porn. Embarrassed to admit their true reason for coming to NYC, they claim they were there to help them in their quest. And so it is that RBE and Nrf-Hrdr join the fellowship.

As they round the next corner, they run into one of the LFL lawyers, who tries immediately to serve Oakessteve papers, but before he can, the bashers make a get-away on the Staten Island fairy.

After much fleeing through the hills of New England, the four bashers end up at Annual

 

More to come.
Tomorow -- the flight to the forge!

 

LOL! Keep it up - this is the funniest thing I have ever read here...

 

While wondering around, they run into Rabid Balding Ewok and Nrf-Hrdr, who were in town to buy some of the world's finest Muppet porn.

LOL!! Probably not too far off from the truth!

 

This script sounds very familiar to a movie I saw last year. I think it was Harry Potter?

 

ROTFL!!!

This is a great thread Stryphe. I'm really enjoying it so far.

 

This script sounds very familiar to a movie I saw last year. I think it was Harry Potter?

Close -- Morlin Rouge.

I'll post some more tonight.

 

This is great, the funniest thing I have read in a while

 

Moulin Rouge -- get it right.

<Malthus runs and hides>

 

I'm gonna have to ask for that bribe back, Stryphe.

"No reward is worth this."

 

Moulin Rouge -- get it right.

<Malthus runs and hides>

Careful, Malthus, I still have orcs I haven't cast yet

 

Late in the night, while Stryphe is still out, the group hears a noise. Looking around, they see a group of dark figures moving through the shadows, each wearing an expensive suit and carrying a briefcase. The four friends back up against one another and search for a way out, but they are surrounded. Five LFL lawyers come up the hill and open their briefcases.

Slavegirl: "Get back you devils!"

One lawyers smacks Slavegirl with his briefcase. Nrf-Hrdr and RBE run off screaming, leaving poor Oakessteve all alone. Frightened and confused, Oakessteve pulls out the Script and tries to use it to hide his face, hoping the lawyers will not notice him. But then something strange happens. The Script glows brightly, and the lead lawyer looks over at Oakessteve. Through the floods in the paper, Oakessteve can see the lead lawyer, and realizes at that moment that it's really Rick McCallum, the Dark Captain!

RM reaches to grab the Script away from Oakessteve, but Oakessteve pulls back. Angered by this, RM reaches into his pocket and hands him a letter.

Suddenly, there is a loud cry, and Stryphe leaps out from behind a bush. He is holding a bucket of dirty water and begins to splash the lawyers with it.

Lawyers: "Not my suit! Not my suit!"

With that, the run off to find a dry cleaner before their rather expensive suits are ruined.

Oakessteve stands reading the letter. It is a notice from George Lucas saying he's flattered by his re-write of TPM, and would like to invite him to the ranch to discuss a collaborative effort on an Episode 3 re-write, which would include making the two-headed announcer one of the main characters.

Oakessteve: "Well, I thought the two-headed announcer was rather stupid, but Mr. Lucas says he was flattered by my re-write, so maybe it is a good idea. I guess I'll go discuss the matter with Lucas personally."

The others (including RBE and Nrf-Hrdr, who wandered back after they saw the lawyers take off), stand in horror as they listen to Oakessteve talk about how he and Lucas could have the two-headed announce turn out to be Anakin's half brother and the creator of R2-D2.

Stryphe: "NOOOOO!!!!!"

Without that, Stryphe smacks Oakessteve with the metal water bucket, knocking him unconscious.

Nrf-Hrdr: "OK, see this doesn't make any sense. The two-header announcer is the worst idea in SW history, and Oakessteve knows it. Why, the thing doesn't even look real. I've seen crap on the sidewalk that looked better than it."

Slavegirl: (to Stryphe) "D-did you hear that? Did you hear what Oakessteve was going to do? Something's wrong, terribly wrong! You've got to help him!"

Stryphe leans down and reads the letter.

Stryphe: "He's been offered a job at LFL. This is beyond me. My boycotts cannot save Oakessteve now."

RBE: "Is he going to die?"

Stryphe: "No, he's passing into the corporate world. He'll become a pawn of Lucas, driven by greed just like the Lawyers. He needs the help of a really hard-line basher, a real old school one, who can talk some sense back into him before turns to the gusher side forever. We must take him to see TrueJedi."

Slavegirl: "But that could take days! He'll never make it!"

Stryphe: "Then we'd best hurry!"

They rush off. Slavegirl cries out in anger and fear.

Slavegirl: "Quixotic-Sith!!! Where are you!?!"

Scene cuts away to show where Quix is. He lies bloody and beaten in a small dark room in Kasdan's penthouse. He stands up and looks out through a crack in the door. In the next room, he sees Kasdan teaching a group of fanatical prequel fans the art of computer hacking.

Hacker #1: "These moderators have strong security measures!"

Kasdan: "Hack them all."

Cuts back to Oakessteve, Stryphe and the gang. For days they wander through the wilds of the east coast, looking for any sign of TrueJedi, yet none can be found. Stryphe keeps Oakessteve unconscious the entire time, but in his sleep, Oakes mutters on about how he co

 

Tomorrow: the formation of the fellowship.

 

'Cause TJ would, too!

 

HA HA!!! Good stuff, Stryphe!

 

Careful, Malthus, I still have orcs I haven't cast yet.

I have the "scowl act" for an orc part...

 

*claps* Nice job. I don't get the inside jokes, but it's hilarious how you've involved LOTR in there, too.

 

you can make me the orc in balins tomb tht gets his head cut off!

jajajajajajaj

 

I think that I'm Glorfindel.